Comrade Detective 1x6

Directed by Rhys Thomas

Jenny Slate as Jane (voice) • Olivia Niță as Jane • Jason Mantzoukas as Dragos (voice) • Florin Galan as Dragos • Chloë Sevigny as Sonya Baciu (voice)

Gregor and Joseph race to find Sonya before she becomes the Reagan mask's final victim, but in order to save her one of them must die.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I pledge allegiance to the flag

2. of the United States of America.

3. And to the Republic, for which it stands,

4. one nation, under God.

5. Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

6. Who is it?

7. Who the fuck do you think it is?

8. I'll be right there.

9. You're early.

10. Yeah. My morning jerk-off session got cut short

11. when my wife burst into the bathroom.

12. Don't get married, Stan.

13. - I'll be right out. - No, let me in.

14. - I got to take a shit. - No, no, not right now.

15. Stan, what part of "I got to shit" don't you get?

16. Oh, I get it.

17. You got a girl in there, you lucky fuck.

18. I got... shit.

19. - My jacket's in the door. - I'll be out in a second.

20. Damn it.

21. Great. Now I got to shit at the station.

22. I hope that girl was worth it, Stan.

23. I'm about to shit my pants.

24. I'm gonna grab some smokes, I'll be right in.

25. Get out!

26. Hold on.

27. Hurry up!

28. Ugh!

29. Come on!

30. God.

31. Oh, get out of my way.

32. Come on!

33. What's up?

34. Detective Ionescu.

35. It's happening today, 3:00 p.m.

36. West Side Apartments.

37. How do I know I can trust you?

38. You don't.

39. Hey, uh, everything okay, Nikita?

40. Keep this to yourself, but, uh...

41. I just got a tip from an informant.

42. If my informant's telling the truth,

43. we're about to infiltrate the biggest cocaine operation

44. Bucharest has ever seen.

45. Exactly.

46. Do me a favor, Stefan.

47. The moment Gregor gets in, tell him to meet me at Constantin's.

48. - Okay. - All right. See you, bud.

49. Um, Captain, I'd like to inform on a fellow officer.

50. Great. Come on in.

51. - Shut the door. - Uh-huh.

52. So, what happened...

53. I don't know what it is, Stan, but something's wrong with me.

54. I think my wife is trying to kill me with her cooking. Ugh.

55. Have some tea. It'll settle your stomach.

56. Thanks, buddy.

57. Hey, Gregor.

58. Nikita said to meet him at Constantin's.

59. Big surprise... another day of not doing shit.

60. Sometimes I wish we did live in a capitalist state

61. so I could watch you two starve.

62. Lucky for you, Dragos,

63. you'll never starve with all the dicks you eat.

64. "Dicks."

65. Believe this animal?

66. Let's start canvassing the North End for that missing girl,

67. Tatyana Popescu...

68. Hey, what's wrong?

69. You're not gonna believe this, but I got to shit again.

70. Look, Dragos, I'll go.

71. You stay here and feel better, okay?

72. Thanks, Stan, I owe you one.

73. You bet your ass you do.

74. Don't fuck this up.

75. Relax, Detective.

76. Where'd you find those two?

77. Don't worry.

78. I'll take care of them after this is done.

79. Time for the revolution.

80. Good afternoon.

81. Who are all these people?

82. How many enemies does Romania have?

83. I got him!

84. No!

85. We need him alive. He knows where Sonya is.

86. Whoever you are, it's over!

87. Give yourself up,

88. and you'll get a fair trail, I promise.

89. You can tell your side of the story.

90. You must have a lot to say.

91. These crimes have not been of the ordinary kind.

92. Help me, and we can help you as well.

93. I promise. This doesn't have to end in blood.

94. Freeze, you motherfucker!

95. Let him go.

96. Let him go or I'll shoot!

97. Sonya.

98. Let him go, you motherfucker!

99. Sonya.

100. Joseph. Joseph, Joseph!

101. Joseph. Joseph!

102. Joseph, Joseph.

103. Come on, breathe.

104. Breathe. I'm sorry.

105. I'm sorry.

106. He was killing you.

107. I couldn't let him kill you.

108. I'm so sorry.

109. Stan?

110. Go. You take my motorcycle back to the office.

111. Find out if Stan had any family.

112. This whole thing is a fucking embarrassment to the department.

113. Get that guy out of here.

114. Say hey to your brother for me.

115. So, you were arrested and charged,

116. and rather than face your accusers and fight for justice,

117. you ran like cowards.

118. What is it we always say?

119. Only the guilty run.

120. That's right. So, what is it?

121. Are you guilty or are you stupid?

122. It makes no difference anymore.

123. We found the killer.

124. Yeah, Stan.

125. This whole time Stan has been undermining us,

126. working against us right under our noses.

127. Now the case is finally closed.

128. With all due respect, the case is not closed, Captain.

129. My wife is still missing.

130. Fist.

131. Let's find her.

132. Huh. Not here. Sorry, Baciu.

133. Ah.

134. She's not here.

135. Over.

136. We'll find her.

137. Joseph, I promise we'll find her.

138. She's been missing now for 48 hours.

139. Her kidnapper is dead.

140. Even if she's still alive...

141. - we don't have a clue how to find her. - Okay, first,

142. we'll go back to the station and we're gonna see if Stan listed

143. any other properties as his residence.

144. We'll question his friends, his family.

145. If anyone so much as said hello to him

146. in the past year, we'll bring them in

147. and we'll question them until they break.

148. Stan cleaned out his apartment,

149. maybe today, maybe earlier this week...

150. but he couldn't stop them from delivering mail.

151. It's just government correspondence.

152. Letters from the party.

153. Notice anything?

154. It's from his mother.

155. "My dearest son, it's been too long.

156. When will you visit?

157. Transylvania is beautiful this time of year."

158. Damn it!

159. Joseph.

160. Come with me.

161. Notice anything?

162. The handwriting.

163. It's a match.

164. Stan wasn't working alone.

165. Come on.

166. Come on, there must be some kind of clue.

167. The writer talks about Transylvania.

168. Maybe that's a clue.

169. Uh, right.

170. Maybe Transylvania was a rendezvous?

171. I don't know.

172. What's so funny?

173. It's a code.

174. It's called a transposition cipher.

175. The letters are prearranged according to a key.

176. Now, in most cases, the key is random.

177. The more random the key, the harder it is to decipher.

178. But lucky for us, our enemies are ideological.

179. Meaning?

180. Meaning that it's a dead fucking giveaway.

181. The key is simple.

182. Seven-four-one-seven-seven-six.

183. Got it?

184. 7-4-1776.

185. July.

186. July 4th. The Fourth of July.

187. 1776.

188. It's... it's America's Independence Day.

189. What?

190. What is it?

191. What did he write to Stan?

192. The letter isn't addressed to Stan.

193. Who is it addressed to?

194. It's addressed to both of you.

195. "Detectives, if you're reading this,

196. then you are every bit the investigators

197. that I always assumed you were.

198. Detective Baciu, I have your wife,

199. and if you wish to see her alive,

200. you will do as I say.

201. You will go to the coordinates below.

202. You will come by yourselves and with no one else.

203. If you defy these instructions, I will take great pleasure

204. in cutting off your beloved milkmaid's fingers one by one

205. and mailing them to you."

206. "Remember, I have eyes and ears

207. in more places than the secret police.

208. I look forward to us meeting face-to-face.

209. There is so much I want to show you."

210. If we don't hear from you in two hours,

211. I'm sending everyone to find you.

212. Good luck out there.

213. You ready?

214. One way or another, this ends tonight.

215. This way.

216. Joseph.

217. Cheers.

218. Wake up. Wake up.

219. It's time to wake up.

220. Joseph...

221. Where are we?

222. No...

223. It's impossible.

224. This can't be.

225. This can't be!

226. No... I've been here before.

227. You've been here before?

228. No, not here...

229. but a place just like it, and...

230. and... it wasn't in Romania.

231. What are you saying?

232. It was in New York City.

233. This street is...

234. it's almost exactly the same.

235. But I wasn't there alone.

236. I wasn't there alone. I wasn't there alone.

237. No. No, there's got to be... something.

238. No, there's got to be another explanation.

239. You know who it is?

240. Gregor, you know who it is.

241. Nikita.

242. Call me Niki.

243. Hello, Gregor.

244. Hello, Joseph.

245. This can't be.

246. You're not Nikita.

247. I saw you die!

248. Oh, Gregor,

249. you were never very smart.

250. Faking my death was easy and covering it up was...

251. even easier with the help of Stan.

252. I will say, watching you mourn my death

253. was so touching, Gregor.

254. What the hell did you do?

255. Well, just listen and I'll explain.

256. This guy, no patience.

257. - You've lost your mind! - I've lost my mind?

258. Joseph...

259. you ever read Adam Smith?

260. Hmm?

261. A brilliant man.

262. A capitalist.

263. He had this theory about how money works.

264. How by pursuing money for yourself,

265. you are actually pursuing it for everybody.

266. That by being selfish, you are actually being good.

267. Follow your feelings of greed, and society shall prosper.

268. How? How, you might ask?

269. Excellent question.

270. By what Smith called,

271. "an invisible hand."

272. An invisible hand will, without us even knowing it,

273. equally distribute the necessities of life.

274. This invisible hand

275. - it'll right every wrong. - What are you talking about?

276. Joseph, don't interrupt me!

277. Now, in America, if you criticize the country,

278. they tell you to love it or leave it.

279. Love it or leave it.

280. Well, I loved it.

281. For many years, my only plan was to escape to the West.

282. But then I thought,

283. why leave Romania?

284. This is my home. Why should I leave it?

285. We could become the 51st state.

286. And that's when my plan began to fall into place.

287. No, I wasn't going west. No.

288. I was going to bring the West to the East.

289. You're fucking crazy!

290. Crazy? Ha! Look what I did, bud!

291. We're in the middle of Romania

292. and you're standing on New York Avenue!

293. Next will be Kentucky Avenue, then Park Place and Boardwalk.

294. You say crazy?

295. Look around you, Gregor.

296. Look all around you.

297. Look at these people.

298. They're my followers. They follow me.

299. Are we all crazy?

300. The answer is yes, Nikita, yes!

301. I believe in freedom and democracy.

302. So, let's put that to the test, shall we?

303. Who here thinks we're crazy?

304. Who here thinks we're rockin' and fuckin' rollin', baby?

305. There you have it.

306. Democracy in action, my commie friends.

307. Now, can I get an "amen"?

308. - Amen! - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

309. I said, can I get an "Amen"?

310. Amen!

311. I want my motherfucking MTV!

312. Ah.

313. There we so many times I could've killed you both.

314. But I didn't do it.

315. Because, deep down,

316. though we may disagree, ideologically,

317. you two are still my best friends.

318. It's true, Joseph.

319. And as my revolution came to pass,

320. I wanted you both by my side.

321. But...

322. and this is a big but,

323. capitalism...

324. teaches us that the world is for winners.

325. And you can't have a winner...

326. without a loser.

327. One of you will walk away the winner tonight.

328. And the other...

329. will die.

330. You honestly think that Joseph and I

331. are going to fight each other to the death?

332. Joseph!

333. Sonya!

334. Joseph!

335. Don't you hurt her!

336. Don't you fucking hurt her!

337. Stay right where you are, or I'll break her commie neck.

338. Now...

339. let's get it on.

340. Come on.

341. Come on, goat fucker.

342. Let's get it on.

343. End it now.

344. You have Sonya, Flavia and Andrei.

345. Me, I have no one.

346. It's the right thing to do. You know it is.

347. Honorable comrade Gregor Anghel.

348. Sacrificing yourself for your fellow man.

349. That's the communist way.

350. But that's not how it works in the United States of Romania.

351. Now, I want a fight.

352. A real fucking fight.

353. Go on.

354. Pick up the knife, Gregor.

355. We have no choice.

356. If you kill me, take care of my family.

357. Joseph, there's no way.

358. Pick up the knife. Now!

359. You heard him, Gregor. Pick up the knife.

360. - Yeah! - Pick it up!

361. Come on, big man!

362. Now let's have ourselves some fun.

363. Ha!

364. That's got to hurt.

365. Yah!

366. I'm sorry, Gregor. I'm sorry.

367. Bravo.

368. Well done.

369. I knew it would be you.

370. Gregor was a bull, but you,

371. you always had the brains, Joseph.

372. I did what you asked, now let her go.

373. Of course, of course.

374. To the victor go the spoils.

375. Now, will you join us, Joseph?

376. Will you help spread capitalism to this wonderful country?

377. Never.

378. You picked a feisty one, Joseph.

379. But you can't stop what's coming.

380. Now it's just a street.

381. But soon it will be all over the country.

382. There are more and more like us every day,

383. men, women and children

384. that worship at the altar of materialism.

385. And just remember, the hand is not always so invisible.

386. Yeah.

387. Yeah.

388. Will you join us?

389. I won't ask again.

390. My wife already answered you.

391. I was wrong.

392. You're a fucking loser.

393. Hey!

394. Hey, Niki!

395. Detective Anghel... he's gone.

396. Aah!

397. Hey! Nikita!

398. You can keep your invisible hand.

399. I've got an iron fist.

400. No, no!

401. Come back here and help me! Come back!

402. Don't you see, Nikita?

403. - They're capitalists. - Come back here and help me!

404. Don't leave!

405. Their only loyalty is to themselves.

406. It's over.

407. Kill me.

408. Kill me!

409. No, I'm not gonna kill you, Nikita.

410. I won't end up in a communist prison.

411. Kill me!

412. Step aside, Joseph.

413. Gregor, don't do it.

414. Kill me. Shoot me, Gregor.

415. If you pull that trigger, you're no better than him.

416. You're a good communist, Gregor Anghel.

417. Gregor Anghel, shoot me!

418. You are the winner, I'm the loser, shoot me!

419. Kill me, kill me!

420. You did the right thing.

421. You okay?

422. I'm gonna choose to believe you knew this was in my pocket.

423. Like I said,

424. you're a good communist, Gregor.

425. We both went to the west and saw what it had to offer.

426. I saw the reality, but Nikita saw the illusion.

427. "The American Dream."

428. That's why the Iron Curtain must always stay shut.

429. Hmm.

430. Now...

431. go kiss your wife.

432. Joseph.

433. There's just one problem.

434. How the fuck are we gonna cuff him now?

435. Oh, Gregor.

436. My hands.

437. My beautiful hands!

438. The ambassador will see you now.

439. So, they officially made you ambassador.

440. It looks like you're gonna get to enjoy Romania

441. a little longer.

442. Until they find out I voted for Jimmy Carter.

443. Hmm.

444. It also means that we...

445. can't be friends anymore.

446. It wouldn't be appropriate for the American ambassador

447. to be seen fraternizing with a Romanian detective.

448. Is that what we were?

449. Friends?

450. Yes, I, I like to think so.

451. Well, let me say I enjoyed being your friend.

452. Me, too.

453. I thought I'd return this, say thank you for your help.

454. Well, you could've kept them.

455. Hmm. Please.

456. Wearing that stuff around here would get you shot.

457. And, besides, it gave me an excuse to see you again

458. and say good-bye.

459. Good-bye, Jane.

460. Hey, Gregor.

461. For what it's worth,

462. you and I, we're not so different.

463. Especially when we're naked.

464. It's been fun, Jane.

465. Best goddamn time I ever had.

466. I know.

467. You took your time in there.

468. Sorry.

469. Thanks for waiting.

470. I'm your partner... where else am I supposed to go?

471. I can't believe you're still here, goat fucker,

472. I thought you would've moved back to the country.

473. Ah, kids like it here.

474. Even Sonya likes it here.

475. She's talking about getting a job in a factory.

476. Can you imagine? Sonya working as a machinist?

477. Hmm.

478. I can imagine her doing whatever she wants.

479. So, how'd it go?

480. Just like we planned.

481. Hmm.

482. Look, let's not mince words, okay?

483. All of us are here for one reason.

484. And it's not to enjoy the delicious tripe soup

485. this country has to offer

486. or learn from their fantastic gymnasts.

487. It's to destroy communism,

488. to sow the seeds of revolution,

489. and to win the propaganda war.

490. That is what we've been tasked with

491. and that is what we will do.

492. These Americans are so hopeless.

493. You could almost feel sorry for them.

494. Almost.

495. You mark my words.

496. We're gonna win this Cold War before the decade is over.

497. Baciu, Anghel.

498. We have reports of two subversives

499. climbing out of a warehouse window

500. on Strada Nicolae Golescu,

501. carrying banned copies of Atlas Shrugged, possibly armed.

502. Looks like these Americans are gonna have to wait.

503. Let's go, partner.

504. It's just another day in Bucharest.