Comrade Detective 1x3

Directed by Rhys Thomas

Jenny Slate as Jane (voice) • Olivia Niță as Jane • Jason Mantzoukas as Dragos (voice) • Florin Galan as Dragos • Chloë Sevigny as Sonya Baciu (voice)

The detectives find themselves in a dangerous cat and mouse game with their strongest suspect yet: a sinister priest in a godless country.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. So, Jon, when did your interest in Comrade Detective begin?

2. Oh, when I was doing my documentary on Stanley Kubrick.

3. It's called Stanley Kubrick's Boxes.

4. I actually found a copy of Comrade Detective

5. in one of his boxes.

6. - Come on. No way. - Yeah, yeah.

7. Kubrick had a copy.

8. There's one mention of Comrade Detective

9. in his diaries, from March 13, 1991.

10. He wrote, "We watched episode three

11. of Comrade Detective over dinner."

12. So, Stanley Kubrick was a fan?

13. A fan and a student. Yeah.

14. Wow. That's crazy.

15. - Should we keep watching? - Absolutely.

16. The Father, the Son

17. and the Holy Ghost.

18. The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

19. The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

20. The Father, the Son

21. and the Holy Ghost.

22. The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

23. Bucharest PD!

24. Put your hands on your head, turn around, slowly.

25. Turn around! Turn around!

26. Our Father who art in heaven,

27. hallowed be thy name.

28. Thy kingdom come...

29. - The guy's got a knife. - ... thy will be done...

30. Drop it, motherfucker. Drop it!

31. on Earth as it is in heaven.

32. Give us this day our daily bread

33. and forgive us our trespasses...

34. - Put it down! - ... as we forgive those

35. - who trespass against us. - Don't be a hero.

36. - And God said... - He's gonna do it!

37. - I don't believe it! - ... let there be blood!

38. Holy shit!

39. - Look at this. - Oh, geez. What the... ?

40. Look at the...

41. What the... ?

42. Hey there. He's here.

43. Come... come have a drink with me, partner.

44. Constantine!

45. Give my partner a drink!

46. You been here all night?

47. And I'll be here all day.

48. Now, come on, goat fucker, have a drink.

49. Nikita would have a drink.

50. Where is Nikita?

51. Hmm?

52. Nikita!

53. Nikita!

54. Nikita...

55. Captain Covaci officially reopened Nikita's case.

56. We have a chance to bring the killer to justice,

57. but we won't find him at the bottom of a bottle, Gregor.

58. I miss him, Joseph.

59. Yeah, me, too.

60. But he's dead, and there's no afterlife.

61. So we'll never see him again.

62. But he can live on in our good deeds.

63. You're right.

64. You're right.

65. Don't you ever do that again.

66. Goat fucker.

67. In the name of the Father and the Son

68. and the Holy Spirit, amen.

69. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

70. It has been one week since my last confession.

71. I have committed multiple murders.

72. Do you accept Jesus Christ as your savior?

73. I do.

74. Good. Now say five Our Fathers and two Hail Marys.

75. I will do more than that.

76. I will build you a church so big and awesome

77. that all who enter will be forced to their knees.

78. Then Romania will know the true power of the Lord.

79. You are a broken vessel,

80. but I believe you have been sent by the Almighty.

81. Bless you, my son.

82. Eh, he paid his rent on time, he wasn't loud, kept to himself.

83. What is all this crap?

84. Thanks, lady, but we got it from here.

85. - Okay. Thanks. - Oh, watch it. I'm spoken for.

86. What kind of freak lives like this?

87. I mean, look at this shit.

88. Check it out.

89. Bibles. In English.

90. What do you think?

91. I think we got some religious nut who's smuggling in Bibles.

92. When he got caught, he killed himself to avoid jail time.

93. Open and shut.

94. Open and shut. Hmm.

95. Hey, are you hungry?

96. Yeah.

97. Let's get lunch.

98. Hmm. Excuse me.

99. Carry the one...

100. Okay, very funny.

101. All right, well,

102. I just got to send them in. I'll just take my lunch.

103. Great, here come these two fucking assholes.

104. Oh, I heard you guys closed a case before lunch.

105. Congratulations.

106. Yeah, Marku Miklos.

107. Religious nut. Slit his throat this morning.

108. See?

109. That's how it's done, fuck-o.

110. The report said he has a stash of English-language Bibles.

111. Nothing about that seemed strange to you?

112. So the guy's into creepy Christian shit.

113. What's strange about that, huh?

114. Well, in case you forgot, Nikita was killed

115. by a man with ties to an international smuggling ring.

116. The guy was acting alone, fellas.

117. Go bark up another tree.

118. Yeah, some loner sneaking in Bibles eventually

119. gets curious and gets hooked on the same shit he's pushing.

120. Happens all the time.

121. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm sure you're right.

122. - Of course I'm right. - Yeah.

123. Hey!

124. Hey!

125. - Stop, please! - You call yourself a detective,

126. you ginger piece of shit?

127. - Let go! Let go! - We questioned his landlady.

128. He had no friends, kept to himself, just him and his religion.

129. The case is closed!

130. End of story!

131. - Stop, please! - Give us the file.

132. You like jerking off with your left hand?

133. No! Give him the fucking file!

134. - Aah, give him the file! - Fucker.

135. Ah, worked at a neighborhood bakery.

136. Did you question his coworkers?

137. Fuck you.

138. Enjoy your soup.

139. Motherfucker.

140. Good afternoon, gentlemen.

141. I'm Detective Baciu and this is Detective Anghel.

142. We're looking for information on Marku Miklos.

143. Marku Miklos.

144. Yes.

145. I was saddened to hear of his passing.

146. Still, I wasn't surprised.

147. No? And why's that?

148. He was a strange young man.

149. Always praying.

150. If it rained, he prayed.

151. If he was late, he prayed.

152. If he couldn't find his keys, he...

153. He prayed, right.

154. And you don't share his interest in the Christian occult?

155. Comrades...

156. I'm just a baker.

157. And Marku, he was a troubled boy.

158. He spoke constantly of his faith.

159. And why exactly didn't you inform on him?

160. How about a slice of bread?

161. Hmm.

162. Marku spoke often about transubstantiation.

163. Are you gents familiar with the term?

164. Yeah. Transubstantiation.

165. In countries that are slaves to the Christian faith,

166. they eat bread during ritualized worship.

167. They believe that the bread

168. literally turns into the body of Christ.

169. Correct.

170. Think about that.

171. One second, you're chewing on my bread,

172. and the next moment, that very same bread is transformed

173. into the flesh of Jesus Christ.

174. An absurd superstition.

175. Let's hope so,

176. or the two of you would've just eaten the flesh of a man.

177. Well, that guy's a fucking weirdo.

178. Let's pull his file.

179. His name's Anton Streza.

180. Arrested eight years ago for burglary and assault.

181. Did six years in prison.

182. Once he was released, got a job at the bakery.

183. Kept a low profile ever since.

184. Gregor.

185. Look who the arresting officer was.

186. Detective Nikita Ionescu.

187. Could six years in prison drive a man to murder?

188. Well, it certainly wouldn't result in friendship.

189. We should take a closer look at this Streza.

190. What's this guy's game?

191. Farooota, mika,

192. shooooo,

193. maliki maka.

194. Idiot.

195. The body of Christ. The body of Christ.

196. The body of Christ.

197. For thine is the kingdom,

198. and the power, and the glory,

199. for ever and ever.

200. Aah... !

201. Gregor. Hey, wake up.

202. What?

203. He's on the move.

204. Is he hurt?

205. Hello, comrade.

206. You don't think we know where you live?

207. We got your file, asshole.

208. Oh...

209. Gideon Bible, straight from the USA.

210. Some heavy shit for a baker.

211. Congratulations, pal, you're under arrest.

212. All right, bread boy, what are these?

213. They're books.

214. Books that hold the Word of God.

215. We know what Bibles are, Streza.

216. It's my favorite work of fiction.

217. We found these same Bibles on Marku Miklos.

218. Where are you getting them?

219. We prayed for them...

220. and God answered our prayers.

221. Hmm.

222. Marku Miklos committed suicide.

223. Doesn't that mean he's destined

224. to spending eternity in hell?

225. God has a tremendous capacity for forgiveness,

226. unless you're a nonbeliever, Detective.

227. Then you go straight to hell.

228. How convenient.

229. So, people smart enough to know there's no such thing as God,

230. we're the ones who should be worried.

231. You cannot prove there is no God.

232. That's because you can't prove a negative.

233. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

234. All I know is God is good.

235. Is he?

236. Then explain war, rape.

237. Explain death and suffering.

238. Explain the horrors man has had to endure

239. since the beginning of time.

240. God works in mysterious ways.

241. And that's all I'm going to say.

242. That crazy fuck's not gonna give us anything.

243. How do you suppose someone even gets wrapped up

244. in all this bullshit?

245. The universe is complex.

246. Religion offers simple-minded people

247. easily digestible answers.

248. It takes a great deal of study to understand

249. how we rotate around the sun, or to comprehend

250. the gravitational pull of our orbit.

251. It's much easier to just be told that...

252. God brings the sun out in the morning

253. and puts it away at night.

254. You make it sound so innocent,

255. like children who believe in fairy tales.

256. Yeah, but don't forget,

257. every fairy tale has a monster.

258. What the fuck is she doing here?

259. Hello, Detectives.

260. As acting interim ambassador to the United States,

261. I'm demanding the release of Father Streza.

262. Father Streza?

263. Yes. He is a priest merely exercising

264. his fundamental human right of practicing religion.

265. Okay, health care is a fundamental human right.

266. Believing in an imaginary God is a sign of insanity.

267. I have here a letter signed by world leaders

268. calling for his release.

269. England, Canada, Australia, France...

270. Wales?

271. You gotta be fucking kidding me

272. with these bullshit countries.

273. I'm just doing my job.

274. And you've done it. Now you can go.

275. This isn't over, Detectives.

276. Great, now we got a ticking clock.

277. They're going to apply international pressure.

278. How we gonna get this priest to talk?

279. You know what, Joseph?

280. You've been working too hard.

281. Go home to your family.

282. What are you planning?

283. I'm gonna set a herring to catch a whale.

284. Good night.

285. Good night, Roy.

286. Good night, madam.

287. Uh...

288. What are you doing here?

289. You hungry?

290. I missed you.

291. I missed you, my love.

292. Ooh!

293. Mmm.

294. This bean soup with ham hock is so good.

295. I told you, it's the best in the city.

296. Bean soup is a delicacy.

297. When I go home, I'm really going to miss the food

298. in this country.

299. I've never eaten so well.

300. You miss the United States?

301. I do.

302. I mean, I don't miss the poverty

303. or the crime or the... racial inequality.

304. I certainly don't miss AIDS.

305. Everyone in the U.S. seems to have AIDS.

306. But America is still the greatest country in the world.

307. Hmm.

308. What? It's true.

309. I mean, Romania has some nice things, too.

310. Like, the literacy rate is amazing.

311. Everyone is so good-looking and has such a youthful spirit.

312. But...

313. I miss my home.

314. I miss my country.

315. I think you're just lonely.

316. Yes.

317. Maybe I am.

318. Why aren't you with someone, Jane?

319. Why aren't you?

320. Because life is too short.

321. Hmm.

322. You're trouble.

323. Hmm?

324. Unfortunately, I'm a good American girl

325. and I don't sleep with strange, Eastern European men

326. on the first date.

327. You want to bet?

328. Andrei? Andrei?

329. What?

330. Where's your sister?

331. She made me promise not to tell.

332. Well, that's a promise you have to break.

333. It's your duty to inform on your sister, Andrei.

334. And do the right thing.

335. I... I... I was just listening for a second, that's all.

336. I... I didn't mean... I...

337. Listen, it's okay, Flavia, I'm not angry.

338. You're not?

339. No.

340. You're almost a grown woman,

341. and so I'm gonna speak to you like an adult.

342. Flavia, do you know what a whore is?

343. It's... it's a woman who sleeps with men for money.

344. Exactly.

345. And do you think

346. that there are little girls out there that dream of one day

347. growing up to become whores?

348. No, Papa, of course not.

349. No, of course not.

350. And yet the world is full of them.

351. The West wants to turn us all into whores.

352. And they're devious in their ways.

353. But this is just music, Papa.

354. No, Flavia, it's propaganda.

355. It's propaganda designed to break down your defenses,

356. little by little, and they call it "art" or "music"

357. or "film" or "literature," but make no mistake

358. what it really is.

359. What is it really?

360. A tool for brainwashing.

361. Every time you listen to one of these songs,

362. you are being indoctrinated.

363. Well, you didn't have to break the radio, Flavia.

364. You know, there's a Bartók concerto on tomorrow.

365. I've seen terrible things, Flavia.

366. It's why I'm so protective of you.

367. I love you, Papa.

368. I love you, too.

369. Mmm.

370. That's one more thing that I'll miss about this country.

371. Romanians make love like no one else.

372. Listen, Jane...

373. Father Streza happens to have information that I need.

374. Can you get him to talk to me?

375. Gregor, don't ruin the moment.

376. This man might have killed my partner.

377. I understand if you have religious convictions,

378. but I need your help.

379. Okay.

380. Look, I'll be honest.

381. Some of us in the West don't actually believe in religion.

382. We just pretend to in order to convince a bunch of half-wits

383. to vote for us.

384. So, you'll help me then?

385. I'm a capitalist, Gregor.

386. If you want something,

387. you're going to have to work for it.

388. Really hard.

389. This is madness.

390. This is madness. You trust her?

391. No, but she trusts me.

392. You slept with her?

393. Yeah.

394. Well, detectives, looks like you're in luck.

395. Father Streza has agreed to give you information

396. in return for his immediate release.

397. We're authorized to release him

398. if he does, in fact, give us real info.

399. Where are you getting your Bibles?

400. They're the words of God, and God is everywhere.

401. I want answers.

402. We all want answers.

403. But until you accept Jesus Christ as your savior,

404. you're like a blind man fumbling around in the dark.

405. So shed some light for me, Father.

406. Where were you and Marku getting your Bibles?

407. There's a man intent on helping me spread the word of God.

408. To you, he's a smuggler.

409. To me, he's an angel,

410. sent from heaven above.

411. And does this angel have a name?

412. He calls himself...

413. James Brown.

414. James Brown?

415. Hmm.

416. How do we find him?

417. You don't.

418. He has people who are devoted to him.

419. People like Marku Miklos who keep him safe.

420. Who would rather slit their own throats than give him up.

421. He is the rock on which I will build my church.

422. He's coming for you, detectives.

423. He's coming for both of you.

424. How the fuck do we find him?

425. I told you, you can't.

426. He's a ghost. A holy ghost!

427. Okay, that's all you get.

428. Father Streza has been more than forthcoming.

429. This is bullshit.

430. He gave us an alias.

431. That's all he knows.

432. And this interview is over.

433. Like hell it is.

434. Look, we had a deal,

435. and Father Streza has lived up to his end.

436. Understood?

437. So, let me make this clear.

438. Release him now or I will use the full power of my office

439. to make sure that the two of you

440. end up building canals in Constanta.

441. Got it?

442. Good.

443. You're free to go, Father.

444. These men won't bother you anymore.

445. May God bless you, comrades.

446. Hey, Father.

447. You know why Jesus wasn't born in the West?

448. Enlighten me, Detective.

449. Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

450. That's enough.

451. I will pray for you, Detective.

452. Nice work, Jane.

453. Do you think he bought it?

454. Turn that fucking shit off!

455. Put your hands on your head!

456. Comrades, I told you.

457. What did you tell us?

458. I told you James Brown was coming for you.

459. He's coming for all of us!

460. Go, go. I'm okay.

461. Freeze!

462. Take off the mask!

463. Take off the mask!

464. Now!

465. I said take off...

466. Joseph!

467. Joseph.

468. No!

469. Daddy.

470. How bad is it?

471. He's in a coma.

472. They don't know if he'll recover.

473. Pardon me, Detective.

474. There's a phone call for you.

475. Show me.

476. I'm warning you.

477. It's not pretty.

478. Just play it.

479. Play it again.