1. So... cellular mitosis
is what?
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2. I miss Troy.
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3. Wrong, and stop guessing that.
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4. Annie.
I'm worried about Abed.
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5. He hasn't left the apartment
since Troy moved out.
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6. He won't even play
in the Dreamatorium.
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7. Sorry, not "play."
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8. "Render
imaginated dreamscapes."
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9. Guys, we just finished
retaking biology all summer,
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10. and if I don't pass this final,
it was for nothing.
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11. Can we stay on target?
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12. Did someone say
"sexy construction worker"?
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13. - Ooh!
- Stay... stay on target.
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14. I'm dressed like this
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15. because I'm building
to big news.
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16. Subway has officially ended
its agreement with Greendale,
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17. and the restaurant I've chosen
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18. to occupy the cafeteria
kiosk is...
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19. Shirley's Sandwiches!
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20. I just need one of you
to sign this
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21. as the official owner
of the business.
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22. Ooh, we should both sign it,
we're 50-50 partners.
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23. But there's only one
dotted line on the form, so...
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24. - Oh, well, Pierce can...
- Me.
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25. - Hey!
- I paid for it.
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26. Well, there'd be no "it"
to pay for
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27. if I hadn't done all the work.
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28. My goodness, this molehill
is becoming a mountain.
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29. You guys work it out,
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30. while I put together
an Alpine costume.
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31. I knew eventually
you'd try to box me out
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32. of my own business,
just like Hawthorne Wipes did.
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33. I'm not letting you guilt me
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34. into letting you call yourself
the owner of my company.
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35. Jeff! Hello?
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36. - Get involved.
- No.
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37. I am here to replace
my fake bachelor's
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38. so I can get back
to my life as a lawyer.
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39. Nobody else is sacrificing
their interests.
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40. Don't ask me to sacrifice mine.
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41. Don't ask me to sacrifice mine.
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42. That's you just now.
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43. Okay, so name
the stages of mitosis.
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44. - Ooh, I gotta go.
- Unbelievable.
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45. Today is Abed's
first therapy session.
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46. His what?
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47. He's been feeling
extra vulnerable lately
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48. having lost Troy to the air
conditioning repair school,
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49. so he's finally gonna let me
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50. practice my psych skills
on him.
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51. Give me some credit, Winger.
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52. What's the worst
that could happen?
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53. Classic tee-up.
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54. Shut up, Leonard,
I know about your crooked wang.
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55. No such thing as bad press.
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56. Hey, Abed.
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57. This can't be good.
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58. 3x22
- Introduction to Finality -
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59. There are those who ask,
why connect the capillary tube
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60. directly to
the compressor valve?
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61. Oh, sure,
why not just attach it
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62. to the moisture accumulator?
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63. Hey, Troy.
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64. We boring you?
I miss my friends.
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65. - He misses his friends.
- Aww.
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66. Mr. Barnes...
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67. Gather your things
and come with me.
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68. Now!
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69. The sun chamber.
A shameful relic
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70. from a savage chapter
of our history.
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71. Repairmen would duel
each other inside,
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72. losers succumbing
to heat exhaustion, or worse.
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73. - Troy, there is a prophesy.
- I miss Abed so much.
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74. I'm ashamed to confess
that I once thought
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75. that this might be me.
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76. Now I realize that it's you.
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77. You are
the true repairman, Troy.
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78. You fix not only
air conditioners...
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79. but the men who fix them.
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80. It's a trade school.
It's a two-year degree
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81. in boxes that make rooms cold.
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82. Sir, there's been a flow duct
rupture in quadrant four.
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83. I'll handle it.
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84. This is your destiny,
Mr. Barnes.
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85. The true repairman
will repair man.
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86. Abed.
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87. I'm not talking to you
because I'm not crazy.
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88. Think of it as inner dialogue.
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89. I'm reading the novelization
of Chronicles of Riddick.
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90. Can you honestly tell me
that's a saner decision?
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91. You're worried
you'll go crazy without Troy.
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92. That's why you're gonna
let Britta fix you, right?
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93. Because you think
you're broken,
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94. you're gonna get diagnosed
by someone who said
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95. her favorite superhero
was "x-man"?
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96. I'm a little scared.
Things are bad.
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97. When the world
gets bad enough, Abed,
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98. the good go crazy.
But the smart...
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99. They go bad.
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100. Come on in here,
let's talk about it.
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101. I think it's safer
if I talk to Britta.
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102. I think it's even safer
if I talk to her first.
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103. Hello.
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104. Are you here to help me
with biology,
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105. or get me to help you?
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106. - Bi-ol-o-gy.
- Are you lying?
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107. Hard to break the word "yes"
into lilting syllables, huh?
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108. Ye-es?
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109. Look, Pierce and I are so close
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110. to getting the sandwich
shop going.
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111. - I just need you to help...
- Look.
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112. You want one piece
of free advice?
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113. Let Pierce cool down.
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114. You know how crazy
and paranoid he can get.
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115. A-ha! Crazy?
Paranoid? Impotent?
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116. - Cellular...
- I knew you'd run to Jeff,
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117. and turn him against me.
- Mitosis.
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118. Guys, why are we yelling?
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119. - You sign that paper, I'll sue.
- Well, hold on.
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120. This will be settled
in Greendale court, 3:00 P.M.
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121. Obviously, Shirley
has her counsel,
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122. and I get to dress
like a judge.
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123. I was born in a courtroom,
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124. sued it for my own placenta,
and won.
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125. Now I'm calling my lawyer.
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126. My biology final
is at 5:00.
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127. I'm available
from 3:00 to 4:00.
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128. I'll see you in court.
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129. Hello, Abed?
Ready to get therapized?
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130. Abed?
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131. Hello, Britta.
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132. Come in.
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133. What's going on?
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134. Vice Dean Laybourne was
repairing a flow duct rupture,
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135. and he inhaled
a lethal dose of freon.
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136. May his breeze join the wind.
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137. Okay, so mitosis
is when cells divide...
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138. I wonder who Pierce is
gonna get to represent him.
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139. I promise,
whoever Pierce brings
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140. won't be prepared for me.
That's the Winger guaran...
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141. Is that the cold-blooded
former colleague
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142. that got you fired
from your old law firm
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143. by ratting on you
to the state bar?
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144. Tee.
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145. So is this a conflict of interest?
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146. You know, Alan working
at your former firm and all?
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147. Hey, Pierce just did you
the biggest favor of your life.
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148. He hired a guy I've spent
the last two years fantasizing
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149. about stabbing
in the... Sundance!
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150. - Tango!
- Hey.
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151. So... The case
of the sandwich signature.
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152. What are you doing here?
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153. I mean, me, I have to, but you?
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154. Hawthorne's a cash cow,
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155. and old a-con here
is tugging at that teat.
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156. That's money.
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157. Money.
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158. Please stop that.
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159. So full disclosure.
The firm would really like
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160. to keep vitamin "p"
in its medicine chest.
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161. Full disclosure.
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162. I really want to be
done by 4:00.
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163. Oh, that's the Jeff
wing basket I remember loving.
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164. Hey, just go easy on Shirley.
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165. Scout's honor, Sinead O'Connor.
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166. Oy-yay, oy-yay, the honorable
Craig Pelton presiding.
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167. First off, there's one decision
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168. I'll need your help making.
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169. Judging Amy or Judge Judy?
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170. You say your name is Evil Abed,
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171. which does not throw me,
because I'm a therapist.
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172. So let's talk about evil.
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173. You know what? Maybe I should
talk to Good Abed instead.
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174. Where I come from,
his name is Lame Abed.
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175. - And you come from...
- The darkest timeline.
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176. You might call it
the Britta of timelines,
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177. where everything is the worst.
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178. Jeff has one arm there.
Annie shot Pierce.
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179. - Troy can't speak...
- Ah!
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180. Now we're getting somewhere.
I think lame Abed sent you
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181. to talk because you're more
equipped to deal with fear.
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182. That's the lame way
of seeing it, yes.
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183. Here's the truth.
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184. I've crossed
into your dark timeline,
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185. and now I'm going to darken it.
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186. How?
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187. Tell me about
your parents, Britta.
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188. Um... No?
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189. Barnes, you should be
in the chapel.
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190. We lost a great man today.
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191. Yeah, he was the best,
wasn't he?
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192. That's why I don't understand
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193. how he could rupture
a freon line.
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194. That's kind of
a rookie mistake.
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195. I'm sure it was just
a faulty valve.
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196. My first order as vice Dean,
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197. I'm gonna have them
all replaced.
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198. So you're vice Dean now?
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199. Why the sudden interest
in air conditioning repair?
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200. I thought you missed
your friends.
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201. - I do.
- Then go be with them.
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202. I'm releasing you.
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203. - But you...
- Goodbye, Troy.
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204. Miss Edison, do you recognize
the baby in that picture?
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205. That's Shirley's baby Ben.
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206. Would you think less
of Shirley Bennett
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207. if she offered
to sell Ben on craigslist
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208. for a chance
to bump it with Denzel?
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209. That was a joke for my cousin.
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210. Damn those Facebook
privacy settings.
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211. - Jeff, do something.
- He's got nothing.
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212. I'm sure she didn't mean that.
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213. Or perhaps she doesn't
even love that baby,
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214. because she spent most
of last year not even knowing
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215. who the father is.
- Objection.
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216. Establishing character,
your honor.
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217. This woman is clearly unfit
to own a sandwich shop.
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218. Alan, come on.
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219. No furths.
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220. I thought you said
you were gonna go easy.
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221. Felt easy to me.
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222. What was he wearing?
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223. He was dressed as a dinosaur.
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224. Is that why you dropped
out of High School?
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225. I don't know.
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226. - Are those even real glasses?
- No.
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227. Ah, do you feel that, Britta?
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228. - Your timeline's 10% darker now.
- This was 10%?
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229. Do you know what kind of person
becomes a psychologist, Britta?
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230. A person that wishes,
deep down,
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231. that everyone more special
than them was sick,
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232. because "healthy" sounds so much
more exciting than "boring."
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233. You're average, Britta Perry.
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234. You're every kid
on the playground
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235. that didn't get picked on.
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236. You're a business casual
potted plant,
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237. a human white sale.
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238. You're VH1, Robocop 2,
and Back to the Future 3.
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239. You're the center slice
of a square cheese pizza.
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240. Actually, that
sounds delicious.
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241. I'm the center slice
of a square cheese pizza.
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242. You're Jim Belushi.
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243. Ah.
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244. 12%
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245. Where are you going?
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246. To make this timeline
the darkest of all.
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247. Starting with your lame hero,
Jeff Winger.
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248. I don't suppose lame Abed
owns a bone saw.
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249. So, Pierce, you're seeking
full ownership
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250. of Shirley's Sandwiches.
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251. After all, you did provide
100% of the financing.
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252. Correct.
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253. You really did?
Oh, damn it.
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254. Jeez, I came to this
thing unprepared.
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255. I mean, I-I guess it's my job
to somehow tarnish you
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256. in the eyes of the court,
but, uh...
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257. - Let me check my notes.
- Take your time.
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258. Thanks.
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259. Hey, uh, while
I'm doing this...
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260. Does anybody know
any funny jokes?
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261. I do.
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262. An Irish and a Jew walk
into a Chinese laundry...
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263. With a gay duck.
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264. - All right, okay!
- Oh, right!
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265. So you're telling me they're
not good at basketball?
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266. I have no questions,
your honor.
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267. Cruel.
Cruel, cruel, cruel.
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268. In the name
of the five winds...
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269. East, West, North,
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270. the one we keep secret,
and South,
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271. I hereby proclaim you...
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272. This ceremony is a lie.
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273. And having
a special room for it
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274. is a waste
of valuable floor space.
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275. You are no longer
a student here.
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276. And we use this room
for yoga on weekends.
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277. - Remove him.
- I am the truest repairman.
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278. And this man is a dishonor
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279. to making air conditioners
work good.
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280. And I have the right
to challenge him...
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281. In the sun chamber.
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282. Holy crap.
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283. Your less than honor,
can I call a recess?
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284. Ooh, yay, costume change.
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285. Court briefly adjourned.
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286. What are you trying
to do, Winger?
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287. Zealously represent
your client?
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288. Let me make things
a little easier for you.
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289. Figure out a way
to throw this case,
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290. or figure out
where you're gonna work
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291. when you get out of here,
because I don't know
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292. where it's gonna be
if it's not for us.
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293. That's right, Jeff.
I went there.
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294. You drove me there.
Miss Daisy's in the house,
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295. thanks for the ride,
sorry about slavery.
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296. Don't oversell
your clout, Alan.
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297. You're partner
because I sold you to Ted.
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298. - Ted respects me...
- Ted's gone.
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299. He got too old, couldn't swim
with the sharks, and got eaten.
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300. That makes no sense.
He started the firm.
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301. - You can't lose your own firm.
- You can if you're dead.
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302. That shark thing
was not a metaphor.
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303. I'm the big dog now.
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304. So you want
the last three years
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305. in this toilet to have a point?
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306. Then I'm the guy
you got to make happy.
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307. Or, you know, you could
finish up your big win here.
Copy !req
308. Court is in session.
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309. Blind Justice presiding...
aah! Oh, my God!
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310. Ahh!
Oh, one more recess.
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311. I hit the corner
right on a fresh tattoo.
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312. Well boys and girls...
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313. I hope you brought
your popsicles,
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314. because it's about
to get scalding hot
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315. in the sun chamber.
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316. You already know the rules...
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317. Because there aren't any!
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318. Jeez, Dennis, are you on coke?
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319. Take that crap off
and sit down.
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320. Sorry about that.
Of course there are rules.
Copy !req
321. Two men are sealed
in the chamber,
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322. each with a broken unit.
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323. The heat will increase
until one man yields...
Copy !req
324. or dies.
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325. Begin!
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326. You're just in time
for Jeff's closing statements.
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327. Who cares?
Everything is terrible.
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328. Oh, no. Have you been
watching Dance Moms again?
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329. I'm thinking of dyeing my hair.
Copy !req
330. Evil Abed, what are you doing?
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331. I'm going to cut off
Jeff Winger's arm.
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332. I won't let you.
That's horrible.
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333. Don't you mean dark?
Welcome to my world.
Copy !req
334. Psst! Jeff! Winger!
Copy !req
335. Jeffrey, this is a...
a terrible situation
Copy !req
336. for me to have put you in.
Copy !req
337. A guy like Alan isn't above
making trouble for you
Copy !req
338. at your old firm.
- Shirley, I...
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339. It's not worth your career.
Copy !req
340. I want you to have
what you want.
Copy !req
341. - Thank you, Shirley.
- Settle down.
Copy !req
342. Okay, Jeffrey, let's have
your closing statement.
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343. Your honor...
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344. I have no closing statement,
because I'm throwing the case.
Copy !req
345. - No, no, it's okay.
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346. It's fine, don't worry.
Copy !req
347. My client, Shirley Bennett,
my friend of three years,
Copy !req
348. she told me that it was okay.
Copy !req
349. She said what I want
was more important.
Copy !req
350. She's right, right?
Copy !req
351. I mean, guys like me,
Copy !req
352. we'll tell you
there's no right or wrong.
Copy !req
353. There's no real truth.
Copy !req
354. I'll kill you.
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355. I'll kill you
just like I killed him.
Copy !req
356. And as long as
we all believe that,
Copy !req
357. guys like me can never lose.
Copy !req
358. Was that out loud?
Copy !req
359. Because the truth is...
Copy !req
360. I'm lying when I say
there is no truth.
Copy !req
361. The truth is...
the pathetically, stupidly,
Copy !req
362. inconveniently obvious
truth is...
Copy !req
363. Helping only ourselves is bad,
and helping each other is good.
Copy !req
364. Now I just wanted
to get out of here,
Copy !req
365. pass biology,
and be a lawyer again
Copy !req
366. instead of helping Shirley.
Copy !req
367. That was bad.
Copy !req
368. And my former colleague
Copy !req
369. wanted so badly
to keep his rich client
Copy !req
370. that he just asked me
to roll over
Copy !req
371. in exchange for my old job.
Copy !req
372. So I guess we all walked
in here pretty bad.
Copy !req
373. But now...
Copy !req
374. Shirley's gone good.
Copy !req
375. Shirley's helping me.
Copy !req
376. It's that easy.
Copy !req
377. You just stop thinking
about what's good for you,
Copy !req
378. and start thinking about
what's good for someone else.
Copy !req
379. And you can change
the whole game
Copy !req
380. with one move.
Copy !req
381. Now if you like this idea,
you can make it true
Copy !req
382. by doing something good
for everyone here.
Copy !req
383. Throw this case out of court.
It's dumb.
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384. That is all.
Copy !req
385. I withdraw my case.
Copy !req
386. Why didn't you just do some
Copy !req
387. inspirational speech
about friendship?
Copy !req
388. You're fired.
Copy !req
389. Way to go, soft serve.
You're finished.
Copy !req
390. By the way, never got a chance
to tell you this,
Copy !req
391. but it was me who turned you
in to the state bar.
Copy !req
392. I know.
Copy !req
393. And I never got
a chance to thank you.
Copy !req
394. This place has made you so gay.
Copy !req
395. Hey! Don't use "gay"
as a derogatory term.
Copy !req
396. Booyah, good person.
Copy !req
397. Gentlemen, take this man
Copy !req
398. to the infinite labyrinth
of eternal ice.
Copy !req
399. - Yes!
- No!
Copy !req
400. No, take him to the police.
Copy !req
401. He murdered someone.
Take him to jail.
Copy !req
402. You guys are weird.
Copy !req
403. Jeff, that was great.
Copy !req
404. You were like
a white Blair Underwood.
Copy !req
405. Shirley,
if you're willing, I think
Copy !req
406. we should let Jeff sign
the sandwich shop form.
Copy !req
407. Yeah, you could represent
both of us.
Copy !req
408. You know, like our attorney.
Copy !req
409. My God, Pierce!
You had your first good idea.
Copy !req
410. - Thank you.
- Britta, I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
411. It doesn't matter, Abed.
Copy !req
412. I should've never
played therapist with you.
Copy !req
413. I'll change my major
just one more time.
Copy !req
414. But you can't.
You cured me.
Copy !req
415. I mean, I'm not cured.
I'm willing to admit
Copy !req
416. I definitely need therapy.
Copy !req
417. You're the only kind
of shrink I could ever trust.
Copy !req
418. The kind with as little control
over my mind as me.
Copy !req
419. Mind if I cut in?
Copy !req
420. Troy!
Copy !req
421. You're back.
Copy !req
422. Yeah, I made a new rule
Copy !req
423. that the air conditioning
repair school
Copy !req
424. has to act like
a regular school.
Copy !req
425. I can do that
because I'm their messiah.
Copy !req
426. Cool. I went crazy and
I wanted to cut off Jeff's arm.
Copy !req
427. I missed you so much, buddy.
Copy !req
428. So, Jeff,
we still best friends?
Copy !req
429. All right.
Copy !req
430. Cellular mitosis.
What is it?
Copy !req
431. Hello, everybody.
I'm Leonard.
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432. And I'm here today to review
Let's Potato Chips.
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433. $1.79 at Kroger's.
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434. Ah.
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435. Get this sucker open...
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436. Ah, there we are.
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437. Now, I've already had
some of these,
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438. but let's see.
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439. Mmm! Crispy. Mm-hmm.
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440. Salty, not too greasy.
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441. That one's shaped like a duck.
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442. Well, I guess
that's definitely a buy.
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443. That's it.
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444. Let's Potato Chips are good,
and they're a buy.
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445. Norther
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