1. Look at us.
Still together as a group
Copy !req
2. even, what, two months
after being kicked out
Copy !req
3. of you know where.
Copy !req
4. Yeah, good thing I came up
Copy !req
5. with this idea
for potluck dinners.
Copy !req
6. Pierce, all you said was,
"I'm hungry."
Copy !req
7. All Henry Ford said was,
"I need a ride."
Copy !req
8. Troy, is that a casserole?
Copy !req
9. It's bagel bites
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10. in a deconstructed
hot pocket reduction
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11. with a doritos glaze.
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12. I just really want
to make my food, you know.
Copy !req
13. Did anybody bring anything
that isn't poison?
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14. I need to eat
natural, organic foods,
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15. or I'm never gonna get rid
of this hangover.
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16. Jeff, what'd you bring?
Copy !req
17. Pack of lifesavers.
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18. Sorry.
Dead battery.
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19. Where's Abed?
Copy !req
20. Have you seen Abed?
Copy !req
21. He's probably out getting
something really cool
Copy !req
22. for the dinner.
Copy !req
23. See? Cool.
Abed brought delicious police.
Copy !req
24. Abed, what happened?
Copy !req
25. Found your friend going
through the dumpster
Copy !req
26. outside the administration
building in Greendale again.
Copy !req
27. This cadet could use a lesson
in intergalactic protocol.
Copy !req
28. It's okay, officer.
Copy !req
29. He's just playing a character
from TV.
Copy !req
30. Oh, yes, I'm very familiar
with Inspector Spacetime.
Copy !req
31. You think a guy becomes a cop
Copy !req
32. because his prom night
was a dream?
Copy !req
33. If this were comic-con,
I'd take a bullet for that kid.
Copy !req
34. But, here in the real world,
trespassing is a crime.
Copy !req
35. We're sorry, officer.
Copy !req
36. Our friend has been having
a hard time
Copy !req
37. adjusting to being expelled
from Greendale.
Copy !req
38. - It won't happen again.
- That's for sure.
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39. I talked to your former Dean.
I recommended he press charges.
Copy !req
40. He said he'd hold off
Copy !req
41. on the condition that you set
an appointment with this guy.
Copy !req
42. He's offering to foot
Copy !req
43. the bill for the consultation
himself.
Copy !req
44. It's the number
for a psychiatrist.
Copy !req
45. What? No.
Abed's not crazy.
Copy !req
46. Where does the Dean get off?
He's not the real Dean.
Copy !req
47. He's been replaced
by an identical life-form
Copy !req
48. for some nefarious purpose.
Copy !req
49. Reggie, to the time booth.
Copy !req
50. We haven't much...
space.
Copy !req
51. I'll be right there, Inspector.
Copy !req
52. Hey, before I go, you really
shouldn't be using this
Copy !req
53. to prop open
your building's door.
Copy !req
54. This is an antique fire brick.
Copy !req
55. I'd say pre-civil war.
Copy !req
56. Note the uneven orange hue
and the embossment on the back.
Copy !req
57. What a nifty little piece
of americana.
Copy !req
58. You could get 50, 60 bucks
for it from the right collector.
Copy !req
59. I watch a lot
of antiques roadshow.
Copy !req
60. Oh.
Copy !req
61. Anyway, walk to your cars
in pairs tonight.
Copy !req
62. Rape's up 8%.
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63. $60?
Copy !req
64. Hello?
Rich people, Troy's joining you.
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65. Yes, I'll hold.
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66. Abed.
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67. I'm Dr. Heidi.
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68. We're going to have
a little chat tonight,
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69. you and I.
How does that sound?
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70. I don't need therapy.
Copy !req
71. Well, that's
a perfectly normal response.
Copy !req
72. I concur
with Dr. Heidi's diagnosis.
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73. I haven't diagnosed
anything yet.
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74. Psych major.
Got your back, brah.
Copy !req
75. I have to say, I didn't expect
to see so many of you.
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76. Abed won't go to any kind
of doctor on his own.
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77. We caught him last year
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78. trying to remove
his own tonsils.
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79. Well, why don't you let me
take it from here?
Copy !req
80. You have to understand
about Abed.
Copy !req
81. He's usually,
you know, adorable weird,
Copy !req
82. like mork from ork,
but, since we got expelled,
Copy !req
83. he's been creepy weird,
like present-day Robin Williams.
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84. - I'm not crazy.
- Well, Abed,
Copy !req
85. I don't deal in crazy.
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86. - I deal in health.
- Hmm.
Copy !req
87. So how long has Abed needed
a crazy amount of help?
Copy !req
88. All of this behavior
started after you were expelled?
Copy !req
89. There may have been
a ramp-up.
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90. It's okay, buddy.
Copy !req
91. Just a few more minutes, and
we're good until spring, okay?
Copy !req
92. But it doesn't make any sense.
Copy !req
93. Think of it this way.
Copy !req
94. We get the hour back
later in the year.
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95. Yeah.
Copy !req
96. I "Rent Tower Heist"
last night,
Copy !req
97. and I won't spoil the ending,
but let me tell you,
Copy !req
98. it was quite
the hilarious Thrill Ride.
Copy !req
99. That Brett Ratner, he's a master
at comedic action-adventure.
Copy !req
100. Mm.
A master at storytelling.
Copy !req
101. He's just a master
at making movies in general.
Copy !req
102. I'm gonna say it.
He's the new Spielberg.
Copy !req
103. Oh!
Copy !req
104. I have to go.
Excuse me.
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105. Okay.
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106. You're a bad person.
You're a bad person.
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107. Time enough at last
to eat a sandwich.
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108. Though even he knew
that this sandwich
Copy !req
109. was nearer his last sandwich
than his first.
Copy !req
110. Abed, I'm trying to eat.
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111. He said, oldly,
Copy !req
112. his brittle bones straining
to support the weight
Copy !req
113. of his wrinkly skin.
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114. Stop narrating me.
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115. He shouted to no one,
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116. just a man alone in time
with nothing
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117. but the cold squishiness
of tuna salad to comfort him.
Copy !req
118. I take it back.
Copy !req
119. I don't want
to be in your novel.
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120. Pierce Hawthorne had nearly
lost his grip on reality.
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121. Lately, he'd begun to think
he was in a novel.
Copy !req
122. And action.
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123. Abed, what the hell
are you doing?
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124. Cut. We got it.
One more for safety.
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125. Abed, it's 4:30
in the morning,
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126. and you're in my bedroom.
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127. Use that.
Okay.
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128. And action.
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129. But that's almost completely
nearly all of it.
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130. If Abed is as sick
as you all say,
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131. then I have no...
Wait a minute.
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132. Nobody in this room
gets to define sick.
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133. I do.
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134. I'm a psychiatrist.
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135. Any kind of doctor can really.
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136. - Really?
- Yes.
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137. Well, if Abed's sick,
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138. then we're all sick.
Yeah.
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139. You can't determine
a person's sanity
Copy !req
140. from a few amusing stories.
Copy !req
141. - Exactly.
- That's right.
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142. I mean, if anything,
Abed's more sane than any of us.
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143. Yeah. Well.
Copy !req
144. I mean, he's certainly
the craziest one of us,
Copy !req
145. but, you know, we're all
kind of crazy-town banana pants.
Copy !req
146. Talk to me
about crazy-town banana pants.
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147. Look, we're just saying
it's been a crazy year
Copy !req
148. for everybody.
Copy !req
149. Who among us hasn't had
the odd banana
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150. in his or her pants, right?
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151. I have.
Copy !req
152. How long does peyote last?
Just asking for a friend.
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153. What are you doing?
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154. Nothing.
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155. Nothing my ass.
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156. What are all these cameras
doing here?
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157. Here, take my coat.
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158. Oh.
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159. Thank you.
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160. That's so sweet.
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161. Just don't eat anything
or drink anything,
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162. and no sweating
or bending at the elbows,
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163. and no chairs with backrests,
and if you take it off,
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164. wooden hangers only.
Copy !req
165. You're probably
warm now, right?
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166. Good news, guys.
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167. I spent all my money.
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168. Troy, you can't bring that
in here.
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169. Yes, I can.
It's all-terrain, dummy.
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170. I made a plate of cookies
for the study group,
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171. but my boys ate them,
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172. so since they took something
of yours,
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173. you all get something
of theirs.
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174. Elijah loves this, Britta.
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175. There you go, Jeff.
There you go, Troy.
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176. There you go, Pierce.
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177. Karate championship,
second place!
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178. Now I'll be unstoppable.
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179. Oyay!
Copy !req
180. So you see
what you call insanity
Copy !req
181. we call solidarity.
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182. I'm sorry.
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183. We just finished telling him
about it,
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184. and you grab it and squeeze it?
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185. - I said I was sorry.
- Uh-huh.
Copy !req
186. And so as a group,
do you always indulge Abed
Copy !req
187. in these little misadventures?
Copy !req
188. Take that back.
Copy !req
189. Our adventures are very manly.
Copy !req
190. I have to say
there's more important
Copy !req
191. to mental health
than a support system.
Copy !req
192. And assuming
that this group is,
Copy !req
193. for Abed, said support system,
Copy !req
194. I think I've heard everything
I need to hear
Copy !req
195. in order to make a decision.
Copy !req
196. I think
that Abed should be committed.
Copy !req
197. You mean committed
to his character work, right?
Copy !req
198. Because he already is.
Abed, show him your Don Draper.
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199. Cigarettes.
Copy !req
200. No, I mean an institution.
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201. You mean like marriage?
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202. I mean a mental institution.
Copy !req
203. Ah. So do I.
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204. Will someone please help me
lighten the mood?
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205. Please,
Mr. Dr. psychiatrist, sir,
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206. please don't send my best friend
to crazy people jail.
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207. Relax.
He doesn't have the right.
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208. Abed's not dangerous.
Copy !req
209. Yeah, he's just unique,
like a snowflake
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210. who gets bent out of shape
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211. when you mix up Star Wars
and space treks.
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212. Or a serial killer's signature.
Copy !req
213. I'm a psych major.
Copy !req
214. His continued obsession
with Greendale Community College
Copy !req
215. suggests the potential
for escalation.
Copy !req
216. And, frankly, these stories
you've been telling me
Copy !req
217. are very troubling.
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218. You're troubled?
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219. I don't remember
any of those things happening.
Copy !req
220. Since when do these three
live together?
Copy !req
221. Look, Abed's obsession
with Greendale
Copy !req
222. doesn't make him crazy.
Copy !req
223. If you had gone
to school there,
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224. you'd be obsessed with it too.
Copy !req
225. It was a messed-up place.
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226. - We had lockers.
- Yeah.
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227. We're survivors.
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228. My name is Pwofussa Wobinswin.
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229. Who's weady to wearn?
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230. Dean, this is not the way
to agree on parking
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231. for the job fair!
It's inhumane.
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232. You have a better idea, Britta?
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233. Yes.
Thousands of them.
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234. Vicki to Queen 3.
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235. Neigh.
Copy !req
236. That's all for today.
Read chapter four.
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237. Okay, we're
just gonna ignore that.
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238. - Bananas?
- Yes.
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239. - Toast?
- Yes.
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240. - Bubble gum?
- Yes.
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241. - Pancakes?
- Yes.
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242. - Fries?
- Get out.
Copy !req
243. Get out.
Copy !req
244. There's one every year.
I will not tolerate clowning.
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245. - Car keys?
- Yes.
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246. Okay, last bathroom break.
We've got to cram for...
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247. Excuse me, sir,
can we get to our...
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248. Slow your bones, Rufus.
Copy !req
249. We got a long road tomorrow.
Copy !req
250. Welcome...
Copy !req
251. to ladders.
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252. Interesting.
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253. Eh.
Copy !req
254. Just wanted to see
if we got the same thing.
Copy !req
255. It sounds as though this
Greendale had quite an effect
Copy !req
256. on all of you.
Copy !req
257. You should all definitely
stop dwelling on it
Copy !req
258. if you want to be healthy.
Copy !req
259. Well, come on,
it wasn't all bad.
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260. I was there longer than anybody,
and I'm fine.
Copy !req
261. How are you?
Copy !req
262. Why do you ask?
3:30.
Copy !req
263. Uh-oh.
Copy !req
264. What Pierce was saying
Copy !req
265. before he started sundowning
is true.
Copy !req
266. We can't just pass
the crazy buck to Greendale.
Copy !req
267. It could be a good place too.
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268. That really doesn't matter.
Copy !req
269. Yeah, we have a lot of memories
Copy !req
270. of Greendale
being in our corner.
Copy !req
271. Dean-a-ling.
Copy !req
272. I just wanted to drop by
Copy !req
273. and tell you we ought
to be hot-stepping it out
Copy !req
274. to the parking lot
in a brisk, but orderly fashion.
Copy !req
275. Is there a fire drill?
Copy !req
276. No, sir,
there's an actual fire.
Copy !req
277. I wanted you guys
to be the first to know
Copy !req
278. before I tell everyone else.
Copy !req
279. I know. It's not right
to play favorites,
Copy !req
280. but it is no more right
to sit on your feelings,
Copy !req
281. and I don't know
what I'd do without you guys.
Copy !req
282. Whoa.
Copy !req
283. Okay, fire, fire!
There's a fire!
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284. Darcy, you've got a cold.
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285. - I feel fine.
- You're sick. Go home!
Copy !req
286. Get out of here.
Get out of here.
Copy !req
287. Get out of here.
Get out of here!
Copy !req
288. I can't believe we got here
too late for pizza.
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289. Worst pizza day ever.
Copy !req
290. Oh, darn it.
Copy !req
291. What am I gonna do
with all this garbage?
Copy !req
292. Psst, it's me, the Dean.
Copy !req
293. I pulled the last six pieces
of pizza for you.
Copy !req
294. Ohh.
Copy !req
295. Back to garbage detail.
Copy !req
296. We have a few students
with birthdays today,
Copy !req
297. but, hey, why single them out?
Copy !req
298. What about the students
Copy !req
299. who aren't celebrating
anything at all?
Copy !req
300. Are they any less special?
Copy !req
301. Damn it.
Out of slugs.
Copy !req
302. Next time, I'll put you square,
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303. you pickle-sucking
MacGillycuddy.
Copy !req
304. Why did you save me, Dean?
Copy !req
305. I know how important
paintball is to you, Abed.
Copy !req
306. I wanted you to win.
Copy !req
307. It's not important anymore.
I get it now.
Copy !req
308. It just feels forced.
Copy !req
309. You just enjoy your prize...
Copy !req
310. Free tickets to...
Copy !req
311. to see 'Chicago"
at the Greendale Civic Center...
Copy !req
312. with George Wendt and...
Copy !req
313. Stefanie Powers.
Copy !req
314. Lame!
Copy !req
315. Okay.
Copy !req
316. That was great,
Copy !req
317. but you really didn't need
to go into it.
Copy !req
318. You know what occurs to me?
Copy !req
319. What all those great Greendale
memories have in common?
Copy !req
320. I was barely in them?
Copy !req
321. They were all
about Dean Pelton.
Copy !req
322. That's what I've been trying
to make
Copy !req
323. you guys understand
for the last two months.
Copy !req
324. I keep telling you,
Copy !req
325. we weren't expelled
by the real Dean.
Copy !req
326. It couldn't have been him.
He loved us.
Copy !req
327. Maybe we've been so concerned
with moving past Greendale,
Copy !req
328. we've been living in denial.
Copy !req
329. It's true.
I mean, let's face it.
Copy !req
330. We weren't driven crazy
by Greendale.
Copy !req
331. And Abed's not the crazy one
for obsessing about it.
Copy !req
332. Abed, we're sorry.
We haven't been supporting you,
Copy !req
333. and we haven't been honest
with ourselves.
Copy !req
334. Dr. Heidi, something weird
is going on with that school.
Copy !req
335. Abed doesn't need to be here.
We need to be there.
Copy !req
336. But there is no there.
Copy !req
337. That's the problem.
That's why we have to go back.
Copy !req
338. No, you can't go back
to Greendale.
Copy !req
339. Why?
Because it isn't healthy?
Copy !req
340. 'Cause it doesn't exist.
Copy !req
341. I parked by a meter.
Copy !req
342. Any of y'all park by a meter?
Copy !req
343. Wait, what?
Copy !req
344. What you mean,
Greendale doesn't exist?
Copy !req
345. Well, there is a place
called Greendale,
Copy !req
346. and you all spent
three years there,
Copy !req
347. but it was
not a community college.
Copy !req
348. These memories that you people
have been sharing
Copy !req
349. are a shared psychosis.
Copy !req
350. You were patients there
together,
Copy !req
351. you were released together,
and I am alarmed to see
Copy !req
352. that you are now relapsing
together.
Copy !req
353. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Copy !req
354. This is not real.
You're lying.
Copy !req
355. Search your mind
for the real memories.
Copy !req
356. Try to look past the trauma
you've been blocking out.
Copy !req
357. - What trauma?
- You all came
Copy !req
358. to this community college
Copy !req
359. after your lives had fractured.
Copy !req
360. Pill addiction,
failed legal career,
Copy !req
361. broken marriage,
lost scholarship,
Copy !req
362. - old.
- Enough!
Copy !req
363. I don't want to hear mine.
Copy !req
364. And, if we were going
to fabricate a delusion,
Copy !req
365. why would we fabricate
a community college?
Copy !req
366. Ah, yes, this fantastical
community college
Copy !req
367. where everything that happens
is unbelievably ridiculous
Copy !req
368. and it all revolves
around you as a group.
Copy !req
369. The same reason anyone plunges
into psychosis, miss Perry.
Copy !req
370. It was a mentally-compatible
alternative
Copy !req
371. to your grim reality.
Copy !req
372. Can you believe the secret
trampoline we found?
Copy !req
373. I know.
It's so great.
Copy !req
374. For Greendale!
Copy !req
375. Charge!
Copy !req
376. Come on, Leonard.
Copy !req
377. - Yow!
- Ooh!
Copy !req
378. - Let's do a clip show.
- Bottle episode.
Copy !req
379. - Don't forget the clip show.
- Harrison Ford.
Copy !req
380. - Remember when we went camping?
- Yes.
Copy !req
381. Remember when we painted
the nursery?
Copy !req
382. - Yes.
- Remember when we remembered
Copy !req
383. going camping
while we were in the nursery?
Copy !req
384. I'm a millionaire,
I'm an inventor,
Copy !req
385. I'm a legend,
and I had sex with Eartha Kitt.
Copy !req
386. It's sad.
Copy !req
387. Should we increase
their lithium?
Copy !req
388. Not yet.
Copy !req
389. I want to see what happens
Copy !req
390. if we confiscate
one of their pens.
Copy !req
391. - It's not possible.
- Mm.
Copy !req
392. You say you started
as a Spanish study group.
Copy !req
393. Do any of you speak Spanish?
Copy !req
394. Mi hambre es bombero tirantes.
Copy !req
395. And you've attended Greendale
for three years,
Copy !req
396. but don't community colleges
end after two?
Copy !req
397. Everyone's always saying that.
Copy !req
398. The average community college
student attends school
Copy !req
399. five to seven years.
Copy !req
400. Many offer four-year degrees.
Copy !req
401. In your mind, they do.
Copy !req
402. In your mind.
Copy !req
403. And you shared this delusion
with each other, like that time
Copy !req
404. all those people
got into swing dance music
Copy !req
405. back in the '90s.
Copy !req
406. And then you were released,
Copy !req
407. probably because your insurance
ran out.
Copy !req
408. But the official story
is that you're now fit
Copy !req
409. to live within society again.
Copy !req
410. You just have to accept
the truth.
Copy !req
411. Wait.
Copy !req
412. Give me a break.
Copy !req
413. That made no sense.
Copy !req
414. Yeah, it's me.
Copy !req
415. No, I think they bought it.
Copy !req
416. I had to do a little riffing
at the end,
Copy !req
417. but I was pretty convincing.
Copy !req
418. Well, if it looks like I'm
sneaking out the window,
Copy !req
419. it's just a symptom
of your deepening psychosis.
Copy !req
420. - Don't hurt me.
- Greendale doesn't exist?
Copy !req
421. How long did you think
we'd buy that?
Copy !req
422. I'm literally carrying
a Greendale backpack.
Copy !req
423. I have, like, 1,000 pictures
of the campus on my phone.
Copy !req
424. I have children
I see every day.
Copy !req
425. I have definitely
not been locked up.
Copy !req
426. Get him.
Copy !req
427. Why would you lie to make us
think we were crazy?
Copy !req
428. Because, Ms. Edison,
Copy !req
429. Greendale is purgatory,
Copy !req
430. and I am the devil.
Copy !req
431. - What?
- I knew it.
Copy !req
432. Stop letting him
make you realize stuff.
Copy !req
433. These aren't even good lies.
Copy !req
434. All right, fine,
I had to come up with something.
Copy !req
435. - You were getting too close.
- Close to what?
Copy !req
436. To the truth.
Copy !req
437. The Indian kid was right.
Copy !req
438. - He's Arabic.
- Also Polish.
Copy !req
439. Whatever.
I'm a fake psychiatrist,
Copy !req
440. not a fake ethnologist.
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441. The point
is your Dean was kidnapped
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442. by Ben Chang and replaced
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443. with a double.
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444. I was hired
to keep you off the scent.
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445. Chang kidnapped the Dean?
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446. Even for him, that's insane.
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447. Is it?
Think about it.
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448. Whoo!
I said hot damn!
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449. Chang...
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450. What are you doing?
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451. I'm predicting future crimes.
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452. Now I'm sick.
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453. See, you said
that would happen.
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454. You are a pre-cog!
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455. Again.
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456. You're weak.
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457. Uh, guys,
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458. while we were remembering
Chang is crazy,
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459. the fake doctor sneaked away.
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460. - Oh, crap!
- What?
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461. There goes our only chance
of clearing our names.
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462. You guys, forget about us.
The Dean has been kidnapped.
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463. He's out there somewhere,
alone and cold
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464. and most likely
trying to cobble together
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465. a sexy Patty Hearst costume.
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466. Britta's right.
Wait, what?
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467. We need to rescue the Dean.
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468. We need to get back
to that school.
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469. And we definitely never need
to do another paintball.
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470. - Yeah.
- See, therapy does work.
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471. - We're cured.
- Aw. Aw.
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472. Sounds like the study group
has gotten wise
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473. to Operation Doppel-Deaner.
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474. It's time for phase two.
What's phase two?
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475. Hey, I'm making up
the same plan you are.
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476. Pitches, pitches, pitches.
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477. Ah, thank you, Megan.
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478. Nights.
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479. Welcome back,
all you night owls.
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480. Troy, why don't we open up
the phone lines?
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481. Talk to us, lonely hearts.
We got Jeff W. calling.
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482. Hello?
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483. Hey, Jeff,
what's your question?
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484. - Who is this?
- Great question.
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485. - We're us.
- You guys,
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486. it's 3:00 in the morning.
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487. I'm trying to sleep.
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488. I'm sorry to hear that, Jeff.
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489. Why don't you stay on the line
and we'll get your information.
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490. Yeah, we'll get you
the help you need.
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491. Our next caller's Annie E.
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492. What's on your mind tonight,
Annie?
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493. Hey, guys, long time,
first time, love the show.
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494. Aw, appreciate ya.
How can we help?
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495. You can shut up
and go to sleep.
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496. Well, Jacks and Jills,
that's about all the time
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497. we have tonight.
Yeah, until next time,
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498. may your dreams be sweet
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499. and your nightmares
be "spooky monster" scary
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500. and not "grandma died" scary.
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501. Nights.
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