1. Okay. Ahh.
Copy !req
2. Um, my name is Alex Osbourne,
Copy !req
3. and if you're watching this,
it means I'm dead.
Copy !req
4. Or I'm just showing you.
Uh, but I'm probably dead.
Copy !req
5. To my ex-wife Magda,
I leave herpes.
Copy !req
6. But she knows that,
it's dealt with.
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7. As for my collection
of Styx albums,
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8. I leave that to no one.
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9. Because that's who appreciated
Styx as much as me.
Copy !req
10. Finally, there's a kid named
Abed who makes movies
Copy !req
11. at my community college,
and to him I leave the task
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12. of creating a video tribute
of my life.
Copy !req
13. What follows is some general
purpose footage that he can use.
Copy !req
14. Where did you get this?
Copy !req
15. Some one-armed guy with a scar
on his face dropped it off.
Copy !req
16. He said he was
Star-Burns' lawyer.
Copy !req
17. How one-armed was he?
Tell me when to stop.
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18. - It was the other arm.
- You guys!
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19. I feel oddly compelled
to fulfill his request.
Copy !req
20. Would you guys help me write
obituary copy?
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21. You mean like, "Star-Burns
died how he lived...
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22. in a meth lab explosion"?
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23. Can we turn this off?
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24. I'm not as comfortable
with death as you guys.
Copy !req
25. - He's in a better place now.
- Yeah. The blu-ray shelf.
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26. What is that?
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27. Star-Burns also left me
his ashes.
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28. He requested they be burnt.
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29. I don't think he knows
how ashes work.
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30. The small one's his lizard.
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31. If we rub that,
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32. will he come out
and do celebrity impressions?
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33. - I don't think so.
- Then I want it out of here.
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34. You guys, how long are we
going to avoid talking
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35. about this really serious thing
that's happened?
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36. Is it always about
the Holocaust with you people?
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37. I'm talking about Star-Burns,
you know, dying.
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38. I know it's sad, but death
is a natural part of life
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39. and by the time
I finish this sentence,
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40. 100 people will have
died in China.
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41. Why did you stop talking?
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42. I have to call my pen pal.
Copy !req
43. Star-Burns was a good man.
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44. He barely sued me that time
I ran over his foot.
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45. I say we honor Star-Burns
by discussing him
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46. the same amount we did
when he was alive.
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47. Jeff, have some respect.
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48. He might have been
a scuzzy weirdo
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49. who shaved his sideburns
into star shapes...
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50. Pai Mai?
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51. It's Troy.
Are you okay?
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52. Okay, good, I gotta go.
This costs $7.
Copy !req
53. But he was also a classmate,
a kinda sorta friend sometimes
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54. and above all, a human being.
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55. He touched all our lives.
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56. Annie has a point.
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57. The death of a peer,
especially at our age,
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58. can trigger a whole
range of emotions.
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59. - As a psychologist...
- Student.
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60. - I hereby offer my licensed...
- Unlicensed.
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61. Services as a grief counselor.
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62. - Grief causer.
- If anyone needs to talk,
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63. - the doctor...
- Not even close.
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64. Is in.
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65. Britta, I could use some help
dealing with my grief.
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66. - Great.
- Yeah.
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67. I was hoping you'd say that,
because... I came prepared.
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68. You seemed smarter
than me when I met you.
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69. Thank you.
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70. For the purposes
of this exercise,
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71. I am Star-Burns.
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72. Tell me the things you never got
a chance to say to me.
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73. Come on, guys,
you can ask me anything.
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74. What's heaven like?
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75. Uh, I don't know.
Glittery.
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76. - Ask me something else.
- Have you seen Tim Russert?
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77. Guys, you are doing this wrong.
Ask me something personal.
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78. Star-Burns,
I didn't know you that well,
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79. but why did you smell
exactly like salami?
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80. - Abed.
- I got one. Where's my comb?
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81. - I don't know.
- Yep, it's him.
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82. Why did you tape that
switchblade to your ankle?
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83. Why did you always poop
with the stall door open?
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84. Is it true you made out
with Britta?
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85. I don't see
how that's relevant.
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86. It was Fat Neil's
black light party.
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87. Vicki saw you.
If that's true...
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88. if... maybe it was because
she was really drunk
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89. and she had just found out
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90. that her first boyfriend
was getting married.
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91. If you guys are gonna
do this wrong,
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92. then I'm gonna take these off.
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93. Ow!
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94. Okay, grief counseling
is growing on me.
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95. - Ben Chang is here.
- Ah, send him in.
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96. - Ben, how's it "deaning"?
- Can't "com-Chang."
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97. - Just needed you to sign this.
- Okay.
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98. Let's just... give this
a little look-a-roo.
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99. "Request for increased
security."
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100. "Cool new uniforms."
I like that.
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101. "Power to enact martial law,"
not so much.
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102. "Indefinite detention,
pepper spray,
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103. involuntary cavity searches...
no soft-serve"?
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104. All liquids and gels
must be in sealed bottles
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105. no larger than 3 ounces.
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106. I'm sorry, Chang,
this stuff is too extreme.
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107. This is a community college,
not an inner-city High School.
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108. It's a community college
where a degenerate
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109. just blew himself up
with stolen lab equipment.
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110. To be fair,
it was the crystal meth
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111. inside the stolen lab equipment
that blew him up.
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112. That's the problem with you
civilian suits.
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113. You want the results,
but you don't want to know
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114. how the sausage gets made.
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115. Well, I'll tell you
how the sausage gets made.
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116. It's a lot of ground meat and it
gets stuffed into a casing
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117. that looks like a cross between
a dude's dong and a poop.
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118. I don't know how that helps
me, but please leave.
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119. Fine, but you will regret this.
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120. I doubt it.
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121. This just came for you.
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122. Great.
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123. I have to give more bad news
to Jeff and his study group.
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124. Hold my calls,
I have to pick an outfit.
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125. Who wants to dance?
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126. Nice work, everyone.
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127. Now think about that last
little puppy in that basket
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128. out of all those puppies.
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129. And now...
he's catching fire too.
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130. Britta! Why are you making us
feel these things?
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131. We need to bring
our emotions to the surface
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132. and explore them.
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133. Does it always
have to be puppies though?
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134. Oh, come on, everybody.
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135. This is a completely
unnecessary process.
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136. What Jeff's doing right now
is called denial
Copy !req
137. and it is the first
of five stages of grief
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138. that ends with acceptance.
Copy !req
139. - Name any other stage.
- What are you, my final?
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140. Maybe we don't need
grief counseling.
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141. But seems like
the least we could do
Copy !req
142. is have a memorial
or something.
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143. Oh, yes, we could
have a little service
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144. and I could bring
some of my brownies
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145. and I guess someone
should sing Ave Maria.
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146. I mean,
I can do it. Whatever.
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147. Sure, why not
drag it out for weeks?
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148. Why not wallow
for the rest of our lives
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149. and never get anything done?
Copy !req
150. Or we could just admit
the simple fact that one day,
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151. something is in your life
and one day, it's not.
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152. Dean-jour, mes amis!
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153. Unfortunately, due to the whole
Copy !req
154. Star-Burns
meth lab explosion,
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155. Professor Kane has resigned,
Copy !req
156. and you biology class
has been can-can-cancelled.
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157. Your grade is now
an incomplete.
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158. You'll have to make up
the credit in the summer.
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159. My summer is gone?
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160. No.
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161. No!
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162. Well, I had a little
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163. rockette kick-line thing
planned, but...
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164. Okay.
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165. That was Garrett singing,
um, Ave Maria?
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166. Ave Maria!
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167. Uh, now, Shirley,
I understand you wanted
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168. - to sing something as well?
- No, thank you.
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169. Okay, then let's move on
to the eulogies.
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170. Does anyone have anything
they wanna say
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171. in the memory of Star-Burns?
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172. Oh... Because his sideburns
were shaped like stars.
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173. I just got it.
I just got that.
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174. Anything at all.
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175. This is a safe place to say
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176. - what you're feeling.
- I'll say something.
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177. Oh, oh.
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178. After learning about
Star-Burns' death,
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179. I personally went through
the stages of grief
Copy !req
180. and have now arrived
Copy !req
181. at the final one...
acceptance.
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182. Whoo! Closure!
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183. Acceptance that this place...
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184. This Fallujah
of higher learning...
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185. is a prison from which
none of us will ever escape.
Copy !req
186. Okay, Jeffrey, now we're
mixing metaphors here...
Copy !req
187. And it turns out...
Copy !req
188. that Star-Burns,
this man in this urn,
Copy !req
189. was a hero to us the whole time
because he did the one thing
Copy !req
190. that none of us
ever tried to do.
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191. He got out.
Copy !req
192. And then he exploded.
Copy !req
193. Because Greendale
hates its students.
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194. No. No.
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195. It sucks the lives
from their bodies
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196. and forces
their desiccated husks
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197. to attend summer school.
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198. Okay, Jeffrey,
this is a funeral.
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199. Let's keep it light.
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200. Annie, Annie,
maybe you could say
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201. something nice
about Star-Burns.
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202. Get some sugar
to go with that spice.
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203. Way to go, Jeff.
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204. Star-Burns or Alex,
as he like to be called,
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205. was a human being.
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206. A Greendale human being...
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207. Like me.
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208. I've given this place
my childhood,
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209. my enthusiasm, and my loyalty,
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210. and in return,
Greendale has warped me
Copy !req
211. like a Barbie in a microwave.
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212. Our school flag is an anus!
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213. You were the guys who drew it.
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214. We're not even the best
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215. community college
in our community.
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216. Let that sink in.
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217. And the cherry on top on this
total lack of sundae...
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218. I'm failing a remedial biology
class on a technicality
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219. all because you don't know
how to run a school.
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220. - Oh, that's...
- Shame on you, Dean.
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221. Shame... on... you!
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222. Edison out.
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223. Wow.
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224. Let's maybe not drop
the $50 mics, okay, guys?
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225. Shirley, you love Jesus.
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226. I think we all could use
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227. some good old-fashioned
religion right now.
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228. Well, uh, all right.
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229. Um, Star-Burns, I'm told,
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230. um, was a drug dealer.
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231. Which, of course,
is not good behavior.
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232. Which... but he...
it was a business.
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233. Um, he had
an entrepreneurial spirit.
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234. Amen.
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235. I had an entrepreneurial
spirit.
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236. I had dreams.
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237. Dreams of opening a sandwich
shop in this cafeteria.
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238. And Greendale listened
to those dreams...
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239. And stole them...
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240. And sold them to Subway.
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241. Worst wake ever.
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242. I'm starting to get nervous
about this.
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243. Yep, it'd be nice to have
some protection, right?
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244. Think maybe it's about
time you signed this?
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245. Just promise me
you'll use restraint.
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246. Yep. Every type we got.
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247. - Gentlemen!
- All hail Chang!
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248. This is the day we've been
waiting for.
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249. Suit... up!
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250. - Peace.
- Boo boo boo.
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251. No, no, no, no,
no, no, oh, no, you don't.
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252. Look, I don't know how this
got out of hand either.
Copy !req
253. But as a student who's been
at Greendale for over a decade,
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254. I think I've earned the right
to say a few final words.
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255. Let him talk!
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256. - I'm sorry.
- Thank you, thank you.
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257. Let's burn this mother down!
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258. Yeah!
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259. Helter skelter!
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260. No, no, no!
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261. I'm gonna take everything
but onions and olives.
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262. I know my comb's in here,
you son of a bitch!
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263. Look, tiny riot gear.
Aww.
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264. It's so peppery!
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265. Oh, no.
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266. Strange, I'm not finding any
pepper spray on you.
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267. Well, check harder.
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268. It's not like I'm crying
because I was chased
Copy !req
269. by the gang
of scary 12-year-olds.
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270. No entry, we're guarding
General Chang's prisoners.
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271. Okay, this is my school,
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272. and I will enter
whatever I want.
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273. Well, Subway has threatened
to pull out of Greendale
Copy !req
274. and the school board
is furious.
Copy !req
275. Tomorrow, they are having
a hearing to investigate
Copy !req
276. the ringleaders of the riot,
aka the Greendale Seven.
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277. Catchy.
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278. How about Pierce Hawthorne
and the Greendale Six?
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279. - Pierce!
- How about the Greendale Five?
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280. - I'm such a bad Dean.
- No, you're not.
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281. Well, you are.
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282. But...
We're worse students.
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283. While you tried to save
Greendale,
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284. we trashed the school
like a TV commercial
Copy !req
285. where the teacher
banned skittles.
Copy !req
286. That's sweet of you
to say, Jeffrey.
Copy !req
287. But it doesn't change the fact
that we're all Ted Danson
Copy !req
288. at Whoopie Goldberg's roast.
Copy !req
289. What if we all back
each other up to the board
Copy !req
290. and explain the we were
all experiencing
Copy !req
291. "funeral crazies"?
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292. I can say that's a thing
because I'm a psych major.
Copy !req
293. Ugh, they're still
going to need a fall guy.
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294. How about the crazy man who...
Copy !req
295. commanded a bunch of preteens
to spray poison in our faces?
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296. You know what?
Copy !req
297. It was right under our noses,
wasn't it?
Copy !req
298. Group hug...
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299. Where I'm between
Jeff and Troy.
Copy !req
300. Here we go... oop, you're
walking away from the hug.
Copy !req
301. Hey there, Ben.
Copy !req
302. Would you mind scooching
from my desk?
Copy !req
303. Got some testimony
to get prepared
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304. for the school board
meeting tomorrowsies.
Copy !req
305. That testimony wouldn't
happen to involve
Copy !req
306. pinning the riot on me.
Copy !req
307. Ben, I'm sorry,
but this has gone too far.
Copy !req
308. I regret issuing those
extraordinary powers to you.
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309. I regret letting this child army
get out of hand.
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310. I regret giving you that
unasked for adult back rub
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311. when you were asleep that once.
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312. I think we're gonna
have to let you go.
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313. Nuh-uh, ain't happening.
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314. I always knew this
day would come.
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315. Now the only person getting
replaced around here is you.
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316. Oh, my God, it's me.
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317. Ugh! I will...
Copy !req
318. The single worst wake riot
this district has ever seen.
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319. And we've seen our share.
Copy !req
320. Tables, chairs, floors,
ceilings, all affected.
Copy !req
321. A campus already in mourning
is pushed into chaos.
Copy !req
322. And sitting here facing me now,
Copy !req
323. the so-called
Greendale Seven...
Copy !req
324. Reportedly responsible
for inciting
Copy !req
325. the entire chain of events.
Copy !req
326. This is some
pretty serious stuff.
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327. Sir... Although my friends and I
behaved somewhat irresponsibly,
Copy !req
328. we shouldn't forget about
the circumstances on campus.
Copy !req
329. We had just lost a classmate.
Copy !req
330. And a lizard...
Your Majesty.
Copy !req
331. It was an emotional time
and we acted emotionally.
Copy !req
332. But the real question is,
how did the school respond?
Copy !req
333. The riot was exacerbated
by the school security staff's
Copy !req
334. heavy-handed and, frankly,
insane response.
Copy !req
335. Hey, everyone.
Copy !req
336. Oh, so sorry
to pop in like this.
Copy !req
337. I really hope I'm not
interrupting.
Copy !req
338. Just wanted to see how
everything's going,
Copy !req
339. and those are for you fellas.
Copy !req
340. I never forget a face
or a favorite cookie.
Copy !req
341. And I brought extras,
because I know how Richie
Copy !req
342. got into that
last basket I brought.
Copy !req
343. Probably good to have a backup.
Copy !req
344. I did. I did get into
them pretty good.
Copy !req
345. So everything going okay?
Copy !req
346. Or are you guys going to
trash this building too?
Copy !req
347. Yeah, we were just going
over the charges.
Copy !req
348. Seems like you had your hands
full with these individuals.
Copy !req
349. This is crazy.
Copy !req
350. - You guys are really buying this?
- Excuse me?
Copy !req
351. Chang is a psychopathic
wannabe warlord
Copy !req
352. with an army
of prepubescent thugs.
Copy !req
353. He was living in the school's
air vent system
Copy !req
354. with a monkey!
Copy !req
355. That's not...
Copy !req
356. Well, where's the Dean?
He'll tell you.
Copy !req
357. Hey, guys.
Can't stay, gotta run,
Copy !req
358. but, uh, these troublemakers
have got to go.
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359. I think I've heard enough,
Copy !req
360. and I don't see
what choice I have.
Copy !req
361. Greendale Seven...
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362. Jeff Winger,
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363. Annie Edison,
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364. Pierce Hawthorne,
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365. Britta Perry,
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366. Shirley Bennet,
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367. Abed Nadir,
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368. Troy Barnes,
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369. you are hereby expelled from
Greendale Community College.
Copy !req
370. May God have mercy
on your souls.
Copy !req
371. Rusty bucket?
Rusty bucket?
Copy !req
372. - Rusty bucket?
- Yep.
Copy !req
373. Okay, transform and roll out.
Copy !req
374. 13 years of college
down the drain.
Copy !req
375. I was gonna be
the first one in my family
Copy !req
376. to graduate from
community college.
Copy !req
377. Everyone else graduated
from normal college.
Copy !req
378. Now they're really gonna
give me a hard time.
Copy !req
379. You're drinking?
Copy !req
380. Yeah, well, my life can't
get double ruined.
Copy !req
381. Can't believe we're expelled.
Greendale was our home.
Copy !req
382. Britta, isn't it time
for you to explain
Copy !req
383. that every failure
is also an opportunity?
Copy !req
384. - Whatever, I'm the worst.
- I'm also the worst.
Copy !req
385. Not gonna argue,
but I am gonna forgive you.
Copy !req
386. That's the pizza.
Copy !req
387. Roll a die to see who gets it?
Copy !req
388. I'll get it.
Copy !req
389. You guys remember our
housewarming party?
Copy !req
390. What would have happened
if I had just let Jeff
Copy !req
391. roll the die that night?
Copy !req
392. I assumed this was
the best timeline,
Copy !req
393. but what if it's the darkest?
Copy !req
394. Well, I don't
think anyone knows
Copy !req
395. what you're talking about,
Copy !req
396. but it does seem like things
couldn't get any worse.
Copy !req
397. No.
Copy !req
398. We're all gonna
get through this.
Copy !req
399. We're all alive
and we're all fine.
Copy !req
400. And Britta,
you're not the worst.
Copy !req
401. You're the best.
Copy !req
402. He's right.
Things are bad.
Copy !req
403. But we're together.
Copy !req
404. That makes this
the perfect timeline.
Copy !req
405. Wait.
There are other timelines?
Copy !req
406. Pizza time.
Copy !req