1. Greendale Community College
is represented by two separate,
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2. yet equally important
types of people:
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3. The goofballs that run around
stirring up trouble,
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4. and the eggheads that
make a big deal out of it.
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5. These are their stories.
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6. You'll be better off
without her.
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7. She was perfect.
Warm, smart, beautiful.
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8. I'm never gonna find another
dental hygienist like that.
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9. Well, you should
stop hitting on her.
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10. Hey, she's the one putting
her hands in my mouth.
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11. Hey!
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12. Over here.
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13. Move along,
nothing to see here.
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14. That's the first time those
words have actually been true.
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15. Ms. Edison, when you called me
down here at midnight,
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16. I expected more than a yam.
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17. Specifically since you said,
"There's been a murder."
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18. Our yam was murdered.
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19. If it's any consolation,
she got me here
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20. on a very misleading
text message.
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21. Jeff, technically,
you are about to be screwed
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22. in the biology room
because our final project
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23. has been destroyed.
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24. All right, look,
I'm sorry for your loss.
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25. I know you guys put the work in,
so you'll get a passing grade.
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26. A passing grade?
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27. Like a "C"?
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28. Why don't I just get pregnant
at a bus station?
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29. That was going to be
an A-plus yam.
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30. I can't give an A-plus
to everyone
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31. whose yam falls of a counter.
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32. Somebody did this to us.
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33. In science,
we call that a hypothesis.
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34. You find something
to back it up and we can talk.
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35. Now if you'll excuse me,
I was watching Mama's Family.
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36. What happened?
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37. Our yam was killed.
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38. But Professor Kane says
we can still get an "A"
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39. - if we figure out who did it.
- He did not say that.
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40. He basically did.
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41. You let me handle
the nitty gritty.
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42. In the meantime, I need somebody
to drum up suspects.
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43. I can help you with that.
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44. I watch crime shows
when I'm bored.
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45. You boys, canvas for witnesses,
establish a time frame
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46. and motive and bring
me a suspect.
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47. You've got 48 hours before
the trail runs cold,
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48. so start with the last person
to see that yam alive.
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49. - Yes, ma'am.
- Understood.
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50. It's been a long 15 years.
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51. Looks like it's gonna
be a late night.
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52. How'd we manage
to pull the short straw?
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53. It's not a short straw.
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54. It's a hot potato.
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55. Yeah, well,
looks pretty cold to me.
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56. Cold?
Or dead?
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57. - Survey says...
- We can't both do the zinger.
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58. Sorry.
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59. Okay, okay, five-to-one
on the black guy.
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60. That's offensive.
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61. Fine, six-to-one.
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62. Hello, boys.
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63. Youth! Scatter!
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64. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down, Pierce.
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65. Mind if we ask you
a couple of questions?
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66. Sure, I always say you guys
should ask me more questions.
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67. Did you water our
biology yam last night?
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68. Of course I watered it.
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69. It was my turn, wasn't it?
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70. I hold up my end.
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71. Did you hold it or drop it?
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72. Okay, whoa, I had
nothing to do with that.
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73. I-I couldn't even
get in the room.
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74. Make up your mind, Pierce.
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75. Did you water the yam
or weren't you there?
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76. Okay, I lied about watering it.
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77. I got there too late,
the doors were already locked.
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78. Why were you late?
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79. I... fell asleep
in a sunbeam.
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80. - Likely story.
- Actually it is.
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81. I used to live with him,
it's kind of adorable.
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82. Look, why are you
looking at me for this?
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83. It was my yam too.
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84. You should be talking
to somebody
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85. who would wanna hurt us.
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86. - And who's that?
- Duh-doy!
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87. Todd.
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88. Last night,
I was home by 9:15,
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89. helped Elly with her geography
and then went straight to bed.
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90. Sounds like you keep
a pretty tight schedule.
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91. A valuable side effect
of military service.
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92. In Iraq, keeping
a tight schedule saved lives.
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93. Ah, what happened, Todd?
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94. Cut yourself on an extra sharp
Oscar Wilde play?
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95. Oh, this?
It's a burn.
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96. Home ec class. Muffin.
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97. What kind of muffin?
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98. - Blueberry.
- Why not raisin?
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99. That wasn't the assignment.
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100. You can dance all day, Todd,
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101. but sooner or later,
the music's gonna change.
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102. Look, even if I wanted to hurt
your yam, I couldn't.
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103. I went by the bio room at 8:10
to chart my yam's growth.
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104. The door was already locked.
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105. There's a lot
of that going around.
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106. - Oh, yeah.
- It's true.
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107. I had to take a picture of my
yam through the door.
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108. See?
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109. Your yam was fine when I left.
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110. I transferred or "downloaded"
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111. Todd's photograph
to this computer
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112. and as you'll see, with
a few adjustments, I can make
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113. the entire image...
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114. old west color.
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115. I don't know.
I thought it was cool.
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116. Britta, zoom in there.
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117. There's a clock on the wall.
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118. - Eight plus two times five...
- Ten after 8:00.
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119. I'm gifted in other ways.
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120. That jibes with everyone
else we talked to.
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121. It seems like the classroom door
gets locked at 8:00.
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122. Which means whoever
did the crime...
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123. Got in there before
the doors were locked
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124. and stayed there for hours.
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125. I was gonna say, "Had a key".
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126. Last year, I came in
after hours a couple of times
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127. to finish a piñata
for advanced Spanish.
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128. I had to borrow a key
from the front office.
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129. And sign a log.
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130. I can also help.
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131. As a psych major, I could pr...
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132. Any student can check out
a key as long as they're
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133. currently taking classes
and show school I.D.
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134. The guy we're looking
for had a key
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135. to the bio room Monday night.
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136. Monday night?
Rings a bell.
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137. I'll check the log.
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138. Sorry, this place is a mess.
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139. Is this about your yam?
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140. I heard about that.
It's a damn shame.
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141. - Mine just bloomed yesterday.
- Congratulations.
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142. Ooh, there she is.
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143. Monday night, one biology room
key checked out by...
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144. Magnitude.
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145. So you're saying you
did check out a key,
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146. but it was inside your backpack
when someone stole it
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147. off a table in the library while
you were using the bathroom
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148. and you haven't seen it since.
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149. Pop pop!
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150. Perfect, so now we gotta solve
a robbery too.
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151. Well, whoever did it
likes to steal backpacks
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152. off tables in the library.
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153. Only one way to catch
a dirtbag like that.
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154. Well, time to visit
the restroom.
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155. I found that backpack.
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156. Hey, idiot, guess what.
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157. We don't care about
the backpack.
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158. Dead yam, big deal.
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159. Order some ketchup.
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160. That doesn't make sense.
You don't order ketchup.
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161. It's a condiment!
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162. Troy, Troy, hey, walk it off!
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163. Troy, walk it off!
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164. Sorry, my friend,
he's a bad cop.
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165. - Yeah.
- I'm a good cop.
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166. - Oh, good.
- You can trust me.
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167. Okay, well... hey!
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168. I'm not falling for that.
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169. And you got nothing on me.
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170. And I don't have to stay here,
'cause you're not cops.
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171. He's right.
You're not cops.
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172. I'd say our hands are tied,
but we basically have no hands.
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173. But he's our man though, right?
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174. Well he ain't innocent.
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175. Look, I'll try
to keep him busy.
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176. You guys go to the lab,
see if they figured out
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177. how our yam met its masher.
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178. I can both see and hear you.
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179. The yam's vascular cylinder
is completely disintegrated.
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180. Any possibility
it happened naturally?
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181. Sure, if the gardener's
Joseph Mengele.
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182. Look at the root system.
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183. This level of smushing
is consistent
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184. with someone stepping on the yam
after it was dropped.
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185. So whoever did this was angry.
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186. Hey, I just cut 'em open.
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187. You want motive,
talk to a shrink.
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188. What I can tell you is that for
a raw yam to get it this bad,
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189. you need more than gravity.
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190. You need a boot.
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191. We have to tell Professor Kane.
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192. There's nothing here
to connect to Star-Burns.
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193. He'd have to confess.
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194. Oh, yeah, sure.
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195. Maybe if we ask him nice,
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196. he'll write us
a love letter too.
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197. Well, whoever did do this does
owe you guys a letter.
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198. An "A."
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199. This yam was about to bloom.
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200. Damn.
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201. We named the yam "Pam."
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202. It rhymed.
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203. Even if we could prove
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204. that Star-Burns stole
Magnitude's key,
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205. it's not enough.
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206. But we know Star-Burns
did it.
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207. Keep the change, Garret.
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208. You know what?
Keep the hot dog.
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209. You're telling me
after all this,
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210. our suspect's gonna slip away
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211. on the technicality
that we're not police?
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212. Okay, look,
you don't need authority
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213. to get a confession.
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214. You need leverage.
Something to hold over his head.
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215. - Like what?
- He's Star-Burns.
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216. Break into his locker.
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217. You'll find enough dirt
to bury him.
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218. Jeff, that's not ethical.
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219. Oh, so now you're
finding your softness?
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220. I say do what you have to do.
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221. It's too late
to get compassionate.
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222. We only have time
to get justice.
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223. I really shouldn't
be doing this.
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224. And you're sure you heard
a kitten meowing in here?
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225. Not anymore, so hurry up.
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226. Whoa, Nelly!
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227. Clean up on aisle "busted."
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228. Why do they always r...
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229. Why do they always...
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230. - You go ahead.
- Why do they always run?
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231. There you go.
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232. Move!
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233. Not police business!
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234. Hey, knock much?
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235. - Kiss me!
- What?
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236. I'll explain later.
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237. - No.
- I'll explain later.
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238. The explanation
isn't the issue.
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239. Aah!
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240. Oh, all right, all right.
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241. Look, I-I swiped some
beakers for the meth lab
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242. that I'm building
in the trunk of my car.
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243. But that's it.
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244. I didn't kill any yam.
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245. Tell it
to the biology Professor.
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246. Oh, now wait!
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247. I know who did it.
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248. I left the door open
and someone came in.
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249. He dropped your yam.
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250. Will you tell
our teacher who it was?
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251. If you promise
I won't get in trouble
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252. for stealing that
meth lab stuff.
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253. - Sure, whatever.
- Fine.
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254. Pinky swear?
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255. It was the guy with
the weird head.
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256. The army guy.
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257. I heard the jar break and then
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258. I saw him running out
of the room holding his hand.
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259. Looked like he cut himself.
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260. Well, well, well.
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261. Look at this, Abed.
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262. He weaves baskets and lies.
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263. What's this about?
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264. It's about the killing
of our biology yam.
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265. Will you please come with us?
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266. But I'm in the middle
of making a handle.
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267. He wants it the hard way.
Tell him what Shirley said.
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268. Todd Jacobson, you have the
right to do whatever you want.
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269. Nothing you say or do can be
used against you by anyone,
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270. but we'd really like it
if you came with us.
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271. Please and thank you.
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272. Make it quick, folks.
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273. I have a class in five minutes
and none of you guys are in it.
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274. After conducting
a full investigation,
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275. my study group now has
definitive proof that Todd,
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276. with malice of forethought,
smashed our yam.
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277. That's a serious allegation.
I hope you can back it up.
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278. We can place him
in the building Monday night.
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279. He has a mysterious
bandage on his hand,
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280. and we have and eyewitness who
saw Todd drop the jar and flee.
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281. Well, Todd, what do you
have to say?
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282. - I just wanna...
- Don't answer that, soldier!
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283. - This man is an American hero.
- And who are you?
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284. I'm Lieutenant Colonel Archwood,
United States Army.
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285. I had the pleasure of commanding
this young man in Iraq.
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286. I'm staying on his couch
this weekend
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287. while I'm in town
for a wedding.
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288. I am a licensed attorney,
a veteran of two wars,
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289. and I'd like to know why in hell
he's being harassed.
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290. Mr. Winger,
what is the intention here?
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291. Simple. When Todd smashed our
yam, he stole an "A" from us.
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292. We want it back.
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293. You mean if he smashed the yam.
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294. All you have is the word
of this Mr. Star-Burns,
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295. who offers up no explanation
as to why he was at the scene.
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296. How about it, Jeffrey?
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297. What was Star-Burns
doing there?
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298. We agreed to withhold
that information
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299. as part of a pinky swear
with the witness.
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300. A pinky swear?
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301. This is ludicrous.
This whole school is ludicrous.
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302. Who honors the pinky swear
of a degenerate
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303. over the word
of a decorated soldier?
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304. I'm inclined to agree
with the man in uniform.
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305. - Shocker.
- Jeffrey.
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306. Tell us what Star-Burns
was doing in that classroom,
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307. or your group can take an "F."
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308. Hold up, hold up, hold up.
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309. I grade my students.
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310. Now, what Star-Face was doing
there is irrelevant.
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311. What matters is what he saw.
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312. I'm upholding the pinky swear.
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313. What?
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314. Yo, man, you spent
your life in the army.
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315. I spent mine in prison.
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316. Two places where a man's word
is only as good as his uniform.
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317. Now out here,
it's supposed to be different.
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318. And in my class, it will be.
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319. You two can plead
your case to the class
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320. and let them
decide your grades.
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321. Professor...
Thank you.
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322. It's not a favor,
Mr. Winger.
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323. A man's gotta have a code.
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324. Awesome.
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325. See you in class.
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326. - Uniform.
- Oh!
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327. Jeez.
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328. Yeah.
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329. Shirley did some more digging.
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330. Turns out Todd's yam
never even sprouted.
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331. Goes to motive.
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332. And Star-Burns puts Todd
in the classroom at 8:10.
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333. Opportunity.
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334. Add to that a cut on the hand
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335. and the Winger charm,
we might get an A-plus-plus.
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336. We still have
a lot of work to do.
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337. Oh, I think you've done enough.
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338. Colonel Archwood
got to Star-Burns.
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339. Threatened to involve
the real cops.
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340. Now Star-Burns is in the wind.
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341. He's our only witness.
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342. That what you guys do in here?
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343. You push your little papers
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344. and you make your
little speeches,
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345. and in the end another
dirtbag walks?
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346. Huh?
Huh?
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347. Abed! Abed!
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348. Abed! Walk it off!
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349. Walk it off!
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350. I'm sorry about my partner.
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351. He... he's been on edge
ever since we switched.
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352. You.
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353. Annie, that class
already hates us.
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354. If we go in there without
a case, they'll fail us.
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355. We have proof
our yam was murdered
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356. and now you find your softness?
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357. It's eat or be eaten
when that's convenient,
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358. but when the going gets tough,
Winger gets nervous, huh?
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359. We have no case, Annie.
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360. It's too late to get one, Jeff.
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361. We only have time
to get justice.
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362. Tell us what happened next,
Todd.
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363. I disarmed the I.E.D.
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364. and returned the child
to his mother.
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365. She offered to give me her only
possession... a wooden chair...
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366. but I refused.
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367. I was only doing my duty
and we had
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368. plenty of chairs at the base.
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369. And for your valor,
you were awarded a bronze star.
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370. In fact, you have an absolutely
glowing service record.
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371. - Don't you, private?
- I do my best.
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372. You do more than that, soldier.
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373. Certainly more
than this witness
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374. who supposedly saw you
kill the yam.
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375. A man who for all we know
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376. is a holocaust-denying,
9/11 pedophile.
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377. - Objection.
- Withdrawn.
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378. One last question.
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379. Did you intentionally
break into
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380. the biology room
with the express purpose
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381. of killing
the study group's yam?
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382. - No, sir, I did not.
- Thank you, soldier.
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383. And God bless your testimony.
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384. Your witness.
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385. Tell me, Todd, do you
consider yourself a hero?
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386. Oh, no.
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387. Of course not.
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388. A hero doesn't call
himself a hero.
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389. A hero gets called a hero
because of what he does.
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390. And with your
impressive record,
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391. not even I could
deny you the title.
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392. Objection, she's clearly
ramping up to something.
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393. Objection, that's not
a real objection.
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394. Objection, I hate
the both of you.
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395. You may proceed, Ms. Edison,
but do so with caution.
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396. Need I remind you
this is not a courtroom?
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397. I spent the majority
of last night
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398. going over your records
with Mr. Winger,
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399. scouring them for the slightest
mistake, the tiniest slip up.
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400. And I gotta tell you, Todd.
Couldn't find a thing.
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401. Not one little smudge.
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402. Except, of course, for one pesky
yam that just wouldn't grow.
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403. That had to weigh on your soul,
didn't it, Todd?
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404. - Maybe a little.
- A little?
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405. A big orange splotch
on your perfect record?
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406. I bet that pissed you
right off, didn't it?
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407. Is that why you hit your wife?
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408. Withdrawn.
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409. Is that why you drink
and pop pills?
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410. Withdrawn.
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411. Are you a virgin?
Withdrawn.
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412. Did you...
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413. kill our yam to settle
the score, huh?
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414. Did stomping on its roots
make you feel like a big man?
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415. No, it didn't.
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416. I mean, I didn't...
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417. Todd, zip it.
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418. No, you zip it, Uncle Knobby.
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419. I'm not fighting
your wars anymore.
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420. Listen to me, Todd.
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421. I know how scary
a failing grade can be,
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422. but this one dead yam
won't tarnish your record.
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423. What will tarnish it
is lying to your class,
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424. to your teacher, and to me.
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425. The American citizen
you've sworn to protect.
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426. Come on, Todd.
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427. Stop disappointing me.
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428. Defuse the I.E.D.
of dishonesty.
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429. It was an accident.
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430. I just wanted
to look at your yam,
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431. but when I picked up the jar,
it burnt me and I dropped it.
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432. Booyah!
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433. That's how it's done!
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434. - Todd...
- Woo-hoo!
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435. I'm telling your mother.
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436. That's right.
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437. Always have an exit strategy.
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438. I think I've heard enough.
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439. Professor Kane, may we have
a sidebar in your office?
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440. I want a mistrial.
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441. Just give us a "C,"
give Todd a "C."
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442. - Excuse me?
- What?
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443. Can we take a sidebar
in this sidebar?
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444. Jeff, we're about
to get our "A."
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445. - Todd didn't do it.
- Um, he just confessed, dummy.
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446. He said the jar burned him?
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447. It doesn't make any sense.
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448. People don't half-confess
to crimes.
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449. Look, when we started this,
you were after the truth.
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450. And then I convinced you
it was more important to win.
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451. Don't be like me.
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452. A man's got to have a code.
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453. I can only assume there is
a female equivalent to that.
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454. - A "codette" or something.
- But...
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455. It's not worth getting an "A"
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456. if an innocent man
might get an "F."
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457. Okay, I heard
all of that and I accept.
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458. All right.
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459. After speaking to the wronged
parties, I've decided to...
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460. Uh, if it pleases
the bio class,
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461. I have closing arguments.
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462. Of course you do.
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463. Why was it so hard
for all of us to grow a yam?
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464. It's just a stupid yam
in a stupid jar.
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465. We're all fully-grown adults
failing a kindergarten project.
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466. - Can I object?
- I'll allow it.
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467. Sustained.
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468. And all this time we assumed
our yam was targeted,
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469. that someone had stomped
its roots maliciously.
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470. But what if...
what if our yam's roots
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471. were dead before
they hit the ground?
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472. - Hey, that's mine!
- Look at it.
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473. Everyone look.
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474. Smushed without
being stepped on.
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475. Because it didn't
have to be stepped on.
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476. Because it was boiled.
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477. Someone has been pouring boiling
water into our jars at night.
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478. No one noticed because the water
cooled off by morning.
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479. Boiling water is the icicle
stabbing of yam killing.
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480. Ooh, but that didn't...
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481. Hmm.
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482. This yam isn't boiled.
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483. Vicki?
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484. I don't... I didn't
do it, I swear!
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485. I boiled the yams.
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486. Vicki's yam never sprouted
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487. and I didn't want her to fail,
so I threw off the grading curve
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488. so she wouldn't have
to go to summer school
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489. and we can finally have
sex in my parents' cabin.
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490. God forgive me,
I did it for love!
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491. Holy crap.
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492. We are definitely dissecting
pine cones next year.
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493. Neil has agreed to retake
biology over the summer
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494. and his status as
keymaster has been revoked.
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495. After all the politics
and procedure, in the end,
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496. the case really
was about biology.
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497. Told you it was
an important subject.
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498. Hello?
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499. I understand.
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500. Star-Burns got rear-ended
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501. and the meth lab
in his trunk exploded.
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502. He's dead.
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503. - Abed?
- Yeah?
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504. Why don't we have
bunk bed conversations?
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505. I don't know.
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506. We're best friends,
we share a bunk bed.
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507. Seems like we should be
having them all the time.
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508. You start.
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509. Okay. Why do you think
they call them "bunk beds"?
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510. Where's the word "bunk"
come from?
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511. I don't know.
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512. I think it comes
from the word "bunker."
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513. So when is your apartment
done being fumigated?
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514. Oh, it was done
about a week ago.
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515. Then why are you still here?
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516. - I brought you some warm milk.
- Oh.
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517. There you go.
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518. Sweet deans.
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519. That's nice... I guess.
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