1. We are so screwed.
Copy !req
2. How are we gonna
memorize all this?
Copy !req
3. Let's just go over it again.
Copy !req
4. Kingdom, phylum, class...
Copy !req
5. Order, family, genus, species.
Copy !req
6. I use a mnemonic device.
Copy !req
7. "Kevin, please come
over for gay sex."
Copy !req
8. Why wouldn't you use "Karen"?
Copy !req
9. 'Cause it's gay sex, dummy.
Copy !req
10. So use "great".
Copy !req
11. Now I can't remember anything.
Thanks!
Copy !req
12. God, why do we always wind up
in this position?
Copy !req
13. For all the time you spend here,
you'd think we wouldn't
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14. have to cram so much.
Copy !req
15. Maybe we never get any work
done because we have
Copy !req
16. so much fun hanging out
together.
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17. Definitely, maybe that's why.
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18. Ah, the duali-Dean of man.
Copy !req
19. I'm dressed this way because I
have good news and bad news.
Copy !req
20. You have got to be kidding me.
Copy !req
21. The bad news is Professor Kane
has the flu.
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22. The good news is biology class
is canceled...
Copy !req
23. After you.
Copy !req
24. What a gentleman.
Copy !req
25. Guys, we don't have to cram
last minute anymore.
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26. Last minute got
moved to tomorrow.
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27. Three-hour lunch? Three-hour
lunch? Three-hour lunch?
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28. Three hours?
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29. I could watch the first half of
three movies.
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30. Ooh, I don't have to go
to the fast food
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31. restaurant across the street.
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32. I can go to the fancy one
across town.
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33. Their manager wears a tie.
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34. If we don't eat, we can
make-believe
Copy !req
35. an whole episode's worth of
Inspector Spacetime
Copy !req
36. - in the Dreamatorium.
- Word.
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37. Yeah.
Copy !req
38. Maybe we should go
to Señor Kevin's.
Copy !req
39. Britta, didn't you want to try
that new cage-free bean burrito?
Copy !req
40. The tortillas are made with
micro-financed flour.
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41. Troy, you could drive.
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42. You always like that spiral
parking ramp.
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43. You just keep turning left,
but you end up up!
Copy !req
44. I can't go to Señor Kevin's.
The manager and I are enemies.
Copy !req
45. He said Die Hard was bad.
Copy !req
46. - He said Die Hard was bad.
- I know, buddy.
Copy !req
47. Well, how about this.
Copy !req
48. This lunch is already a runaway
train, no point in stopping it.
Copy !req
49. Troy, Britta, you go
to Señor Kevin's.
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50. Abed promised he'd show me how
the Dreamatorium works.
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51. - Today's the perfect day for it.
- But I want to...
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52. Abed, don't you think today's
Copy !req
53. - the perfect day for it?
- No.
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54. - Abed.
- Is this a social cue?
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55. I left my Puttin' On the Ritz
cane in here earlier.
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56. I know it probably
has another name,
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57. but, um, can I be perfectly
honest with you guys?
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58. I think I went too
far with this one.
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59. I have to go to the bank today.
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60. What am I supposed to tell
people in line?
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61. "I had good news and bad news"?
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62. Come on, Craig.
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63. Get you life together.
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64. I am Inspector Spacetime.
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65. And I know that
which is unknown.
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66. Duty-bound to protect a universe
of innocent unremarkables,
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67. I patrol it
in the x7 Dimensionizer
Copy !req
68. with my loyal constable,
Reggie.
Copy !req
69. This week, however, Reggie has
been forced to go to lunch.
Copy !req
70. So I'm aboard the much crappier
H.M.S. Spacetime 12,
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71. from the worst season ever, with
temporary constable, Geneva.
Copy !req
72. Geneva, I need the quantum
spanner, the big one.
Copy !req
73. Oi, gov'ner, quantum spammer,
up an' at 'em, in'it?
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74. If we can't get out
of orbital lock,
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75. the Blorgons may intercept.
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76. Tut tut, m'lord.
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77. Wouldn't give a tuppence for
that sticky wicket.
Copy !req
78. Okay, stop simulation.
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79. More British?
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80. I can't do this anymore.
Copy !req
81. But the Blo-gons might
intercept...
Copy !req
82. It's Blorgons with an "r".
Copy !req
83. Blo-gon means "thank you"
in blorgon.
Copy !req
84. Can't we play something
I know about
Copy !req
85. like hospital administration?
Copy !req
86. You're mad at me for playing
matchmaker with Troy and Britta.
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87. You think you're
gonna lose Troy.
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88. I'm not petty, Annie.
Copy !req
89. I'm mad at you because you
tampered
Copy !req
90. with the fabric of the group.
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91. How do you know
Troy and Britta pairing up
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92. wouldn't destroy everything?
Copy !req
93. I run the scenarios.
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94. I examine this stuff
from every conceivable angle.
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95. Oh, and you can do
that but I can't?
Copy !req
96. You don't have a patent on being
a control freak, Abed.
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97. I kind of do.
Copy !req
98. You think this is just a room
where Troy and I play dinosaurs
Copy !req
99. versus river boat gamblers
together?
Copy !req
100. Sure, it's how I got
the construction approved,
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101. but, much like myself,
Copy !req
102. the Dreamatorium
has higher functions.
Copy !req
103. Would you like me to show you
how your stunt
Copy !req
104. with Troy and Britta
will play itself out?
Copy !req
105. Why not?
Copy !req
106. Execute simulation Troy/Britta.
Copy !req
107. Render environment
Señor Kevin's.
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108. Oh, those appetizers
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109. were dope and legit!
Copy !req
110. I don't usually support lunch
Copy !req
111. because it's unfair
to breakfast.
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112. I never thought about
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113. meals fighting each other.
Copy !req
114. I guess that explains
why you never
Copy !req
115. see any two of them on
the same table.
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116. So I guess Annie's pretty hot
to get us together.
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117. She probably just doesn't
understand people.
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118. Well, the sooner
the food comes,
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119. the sooner this will be over.
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120. I'm afraid your food won't be
ready for another half hour.
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121. I'm too busy misunderstanding
the whole point of Die Hard.
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122. I can't wait to
get home to Abed.
Copy !req
123. So you can dart back and forth
Copy !req
124. doing impressions
of your friends.
Copy !req
125. There's no science at work here.
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126. You're right.
Copy !req
127. The science is at work in here.
Copy !req
128. This is
the Dreamatorium's engine.
Copy !req
129. My thoughts are collected
by this box
Copy !req
130. and everything I know about my
friends is stored here.
Copy !req
131. Both are distilled
by logic and then
Copy !req
132. recombined into objective
observation.
Copy !req
133. I'm able to simulate
any of the study group
Copy !req
134. and even a half-accurate Chang
in over 7,000 unique situations.
Copy !req
135. Abed, it's cardboard tubes
and a funnel.
Copy !req
136. Well you see it that way
because it's calibrated
Copy !req
137. to a specific level
of brain function.
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138. Right. I'm stupid.
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139. Not stupid, just less able to
see what I see.
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140. Gee, you've got it
all figured out.
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141. King of toilet paper rolls
over here.
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142. Hey, Troy, I'm glad you called.
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143. Your lunch is going well, right?
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144. Yeah, just checking on Abed.
Copy !req
145. Making sure he's okay.
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146. What? He's fine.
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147. He just implied I operate
on a lower level
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148. of brain function,
so business as usual.
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149. Great, um, just, you know,
make sure he stays comfortable.
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150. I worry about him
when I'm not around.
Copy !req
151. Well, he's fine,
he always will be.
Copy !req
152. People bend over backwards to
cater to him.
Copy !req
153. He's just extra sensitive in
the Dreamatorium.
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154. It takes a lot out of
him to run that thing.
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155. I don't want you to
break his brain.
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156. Bye, Troy.
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157. - How is he?
- He'll be okay.
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158. It's so sweet how much you
care about him.
Copy !req
159. And another thing
I hate about Die Hard,
Copy !req
160. two FBI agents named Johnson.
Copy !req
161. I've been thinking about our
Inspector Spacetime scenario.
Copy !req
162. It might work better if instead
of playing Geneva,
Copy !req
163. you played Rosamund.
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164. She was a constable
in season five
Copy !req
165. and she only had three lines.
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166. I have a better idea.
Copy !req
167. You know what would make your
scenarios a lot more realistic?
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168. If Troy weren't on a date.
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169. Why don't you take
all your thoughts
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170. and your logic and add one step
to the process.
Copy !req
171. - What are you doing?
- From now on,
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172. before you do or say anything,
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173. you're gonna think about how it
affects the people around you.
Copy !req
174. We lower functioning brains call
this "empathy".
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175. Abed?
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176. Abed?
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177. Oh, my God, I broke Abed.
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178. Abed?
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179. You know how you wanted me to
tell you
Copy !req
180. when you were being scary weird
instead of cute weird?
Copy !req
181. This is scary weird.
Copy !req
182. Hello, Annie.
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183. What was I doing on the floor?
Copy !req
184. Were we... doing it?
Copy !req
185. Are you being Jeff?
Copy !req
186. Well, I'm not
being a Kardashian.
Copy !req
187. So where are we now?
Copy !req
188. We're in the doctor's lounge
of Greendale Hospital School.
Copy !req
189. Hospital school?
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190. It's a sexy emotional school
Copy !req
191. where doctors save
lives and make love,
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192. often simultaneously.
Copy !req
193. Our stories,
ripped from the headlines.
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194. Our passions, unbridled.
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195. Our cafeteria, eh...
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196. Make love to me, Ann.
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197. I know I'm just a surgeon
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198. and you're a hotshot
upstart administrator,
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199. but damn the rules,
damn the system,
Copy !req
200. damn our two foot height
disparity, I want you.
Copy !req
201. Okay, Abed, I get it, we have
different sensibilities.
Copy !req
202. Later.
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203. Bye.
Copy !req
204. I'm leaving.
Copy !req
205. Okay, Dr. Jeff,
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206. can you please tell me
where I can find Abed?
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207. I owe him an apology.
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208. Abed? Never heard of him.
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209. Terrific.
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210. I asked you a question, doctor.
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211. I'm a surgeon!
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212. And I'm your administrator!
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213. I left my wife for you
and she was pregnant!
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214. Who do you think
inseminated her?
Copy !req
215. Now tell me what I want to know
or God as my witness,
Copy !req
216. I'll have your stethoscope.
Copy !req
217. Fine.
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218. Dr. Perry might know.
Copy !req
219. Render environment bio lab.
Copy !req
220. Look, there's Britta and Troy
fooling around with each other.
Copy !req
221. Look, there's Abed having
overcome his issues.
Copy !req
222. Nice try.
Copy !req
223. Dr. Barnes, Dr. Perry.
Copy !req
224. We just saved an uninsured
homeless man's life.
Copy !req
225. Using an unapproved procedure.
Copy !req
226. Now, we're going to kiss.
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227. This is what you think I want?
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228. What do you want,
administrator?
Copy !req
229. I want to talk to Abed.
Copy !req
230. There's no one here
by that name.
Copy !req
231. - You're lying.
- Maybe I am, so what?
Copy !req
232. I was raised on
the mean streets of Harlem.
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233. I'm not scared of you.
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234. Well, be scared of this.
Copy !req
235. Sodium pentothal, known commonly
as truth serum.
Copy !req
236. I saw Abed's name
in the hospital school files,
Copy !req
237. I love butt stuff,
I hate spiders,
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238. I stole a pen from the bank,
Copy !req
239. I cried during About a Boy...
The soundtrack...
Copy !req
240. I don't wash my hands
before surgery.
Copy !req
241. I can see why women find
Clive Owen attractive to the point
Copy !req
242. where I might just as well be
attracted to him.
Copy !req
243. I use comparisons to Hitler to
win arguments on the Internet
Copy !req
244. at the drop of a hat.
Copy !req
245. I know nothing about wine.
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246. I'm more turned on by women
in pajamas than lingerie.
Copy !req
247. I just want to know
they feel comfortable.
Copy !req
248. I didn't get Inception.
Copy !req
249. I didn't get Inception.
Copy !req
250. You said you saw
his name in the files.
Copy !req
251. There's so many layers.
Copy !req
252. Right, render environment
medical study room.
Copy !req
253. There's head nurse, Shirley,
Copy !req
254. talking to tragic,
heart-wrenching Alzheimer's
Copy !req
255. patient and Emmy-contender,
Pierce Hawthorne.
Copy !req
256. Mr. Hawthorne,
you're out of your bed again.
Copy !req
257. 'Cause I think I'm on a train.
Copy !req
258. Oh! Oh!
Copy !req
259. Shirley, get me
the file on Abed.
Copy !req
260. Abed doesn't exist, young lady.
Copy !req
261. He exists if I say so.
Copy !req
262. This is my hospital school.
Copy !req
263. Your hospital school,
young lady, is a simulation
Copy !req
264. being run through a filter of
other people's needs.
Copy !req
265. Abed's been filtered out
because nobody needs him.
Copy !req
266. I need him.
Copy !req
267. Well you're not simulated.
Copy !req
268. No, but this is!
Copy !req
269. Ooh!
Copy !req
270. And there's more where that
didn't come from.
Copy !req
271. This is a private compartment.
Copy !req
272. - Jeff, get the files.
- Why me?
Copy !req
273. Because you can see
the cabinets.
Copy !req
274. And I'll make love to you.
Copy !req
275. Jackpot.
Copy !req
276. There is an Abed in this
hospital school,
Copy !req
277. but he's not a doctor.
Copy !req
278. He's a patient.
Copy !req
279. - Notify security!
- Conductor!
Copy !req
280. Jeff, take me to Abed.
Copy !req
281. Where is that?
Copy !req
282. Enough games, just take me
where I wanna go.
Copy !req
283. Follow me.
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284. Are we close?
Copy !req
285. Almost there, although you
should probably run in place
Copy !req
286. and let the hall
move around you.
Copy !req
287. - Here we are.
- Where?
Copy !req
288. Where you wanted to go.
Copy !req
289. The last night of school,
first year.
Copy !req
290. The night we kissed.
Copy !req
291. Ababed wasn't there,
so whose memory is this?
Copy !req
292. Maybe it's yours.
Copy !req
293. Maybe the Dreamatorium
really works.
Copy !req
294. Or maybe Leonard was watching
from the bushes
Copy !req
295. and told Abed about it.
Copy !req
296. I don't have cable.
Copy !req
297. Knock it off, Abed.
Copy !req
298. I'm not Abed.
Copy !req
299. You're confused, so was I.
Copy !req
300. But not anymore.
Copy !req
301. Jeff...
Abed, stop!
Copy !req
302. I don't wanna do this.
Copy !req
303. I want to talk to Abed.
Copy !req
304. I'm taking the file.
Copy !req
305. Oh, it says Abed
is in the recovery parlor.
Copy !req
306. Condition... never better.
Copy !req
307. You're not holding anything.
Copy !req
308. This is the file.
Copy !req
309. Abed Nadir,
psychiatric patient 1373,
Copy !req
310. control freak with no empathy.
Copy !req
311. People bend over backwards
to cater to him.
Copy !req
312. Signed, healthcare administrator
Annie Edison.
Copy !req
313. That's out of context.
Copy !req
314. Shh.
Copy !req
315. You've thought
of everything, Annie.
Copy !req
316. With Abed gone
and Troy and Britta together,
Copy !req
317. there's nothing standing
in the way of us.
Copy !req
318. Wait, what?
Copy !req
319. Come on.
Copy !req
320. This is you dream.
Copy !req
321. This is why you
played matchmaker.
Copy !req
322. This is what's important to you.
Copy !req
323. You are not Jeff.
Copy !req
324. Because Jeff cares about Abed.
Copy !req
325. And I did not push
Troy and Britta together
Copy !req
326. so this would happen.
Copy !req
327. I did it because I thought
they were cute together
Copy !req
328. and this would
have been a bonus.
Copy !req
329. And we are not here.
Copy !req
330. And I'm not staying here because
I hate whoever you are.
Copy !req
331. You should probably
storm off in...
Copy !req
332. Oh!
Copy !req
333. In place.
Copy !req
334. Where do you wanna go next?
Copy !req
335. I wanna be alone.
Copy !req
336. Sounds good to me.
Copy !req
337. Execute simulation,
Annie/Annie.
Copy !req
338. There.
Copy !req
339. Now we're alone.
Copy !req
340. Great, so you're me now.
Copy !req
341. Why are you blowing
our magic moment with Jeff?
Copy !req
342. It's not magic.
Copy !req
343. It's not even real.
Copy !req
344. But we love Jeff.
Copy !req
345. No, we don't.
Copy !req
346. We're just in love
with the idea of being loved.
Copy !req
347. And if we can teach a guy
like Jeff to do it,
Copy !req
348. we'll never be unloved.
Copy !req
349. So we keep running the same
scenario over and over
Copy !req
350. hoping for a different result.
Copy !req
351. Running scenarios.
Copy !req
352. Careful now.
Copy !req
353. You're starting
to sound like Abed.
Copy !req
354. So... I probably shouldn't say
things like "Star Wars.
Copy !req
355. Zardoz, Cougar Town,
cool, cool, cool."
Copy !req
356. - Stop it.
- Pop culture, pop culture.
Copy !req
357. - I'm on a TV show.
- You're gonna get in trouble.
Copy !req
358. Meta, meta.
Copy !req
359. It's Abed!
Copy !req
360. I got an Abed here!
Copy !req
361. Get him!
Copy !req
362. That's it.
Copy !req
363. I find you guilty of being Abed.
Copy !req
364. You're under arrest!
Copy !req
365. Can I just interject and say
Copy !req
366. I don't know what
the hell's going on?
Copy !req
367. This time you'll never get out.
Copy !req
368. Abed?
Copy !req
369. Abed.
Copy !req
370. Yeah.
Copy !req
371. I found you by turning into you,
how cool is that?
Copy !req
372. Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
Copy !req
373. Tell me where we are
so I can pretend to see it.
Copy !req
374. We're inside a locker.
Copy !req
375. It's where I spent a lot of time
in junior high.
Copy !req
376. You think this is
where we'd put you?
Copy !req
377. - You know that's absurd, right?
- Well, I'm not stupid.
Copy !req
378. You can see I've increased
the square footage.
Copy !req
379. It's a metaphorical locker.
Copy !req
380. It's a place where
people like me get put
Copy !req
381. when everyone's finally
fed up with us.
Copy !req
382. Abed, so maudlin.
Copy !req
383. If you start turning
into a vampire...
Copy !req
384. I've run the simulations,
Annie.
Copy !req
385. I don't get married,
I don't invent
Copy !req
386. a billion dollar website
that helps people have sex.
Copy !req
387. I don't make in into Sundance,
Slamdance or Dance Pants.
Copy !req
388. Troy invents Dance Pants
in 2019.
Copy !req
389. Don't tell him, he needs to
stumble onto it.
Copy !req
390. All right, listen.
Copy !req
391. The scenarios you run in here
Copy !req
392. are like...
great science fiction.
Copy !req
393. They're impressive and detailed
and insightful,
Copy !req
394. but they're not
accurate for crap.
Copy !req
395. Science fiction never has been.
Copy !req
396. Look at 2001.
Copy !req
397. Did we have a space odyssey?
Copy !req
398. No, we got snowboarding
in the Olympics
Copy !req
399. and we over-validated
Carson Daily.
Copy !req
400. - That poor guy.
- Yeah, cry me a river.
Copy !req
401. My point is, your simulations
Copy !req
402. are nothing more
than anxieties.
Copy !req
403. You're afraid you don't fit in.
Copy !req
404. You're afraid you'll be alone.
Copy !req
405. Great news... you share
that with all of us,
Copy !req
406. so you'll never be alone
and you'll always fit in.
Copy !req
407. And, yes, that's why I meddled
with Troy and Britta.
Copy !req
408. You caught me.
Copy !req
409. I was trying to make life go
Copy !req
410. according to some script.
Copy !req
411. I can't.
Copy !req
412. You can't.
Copy !req
413. We both need to get more
comfortable winging it.
Copy !req
414. At least it'll be less work.
Copy !req
415. It would cut down my
Dreamatorium time
Copy !req
416. by 18 hours a week.
Copy !req
417. I could take up yoga.
Copy !req
418. You've got the body type.
Copy !req
419. Now let's get you out of here.
Copy !req
420. I don't know how.
Copy !req
421. These fake shackles
don't have a fake key.
Copy !req
422. Isn't that what a...
quantum spanner's for?
Copy !req
423. Technically, no.
Copy !req
424. But that's fine.
Copy !req
425. So should we get back to lunch?
Copy !req
426. I guess so.
Copy !req
427. A little more anticlimactic
Copy !req
428. than I would have simulated it,
Copy !req
429. - but whatever.
- Anticlimactic?
Copy !req
430. Render environment
observo-deck,
Copy !req
431. H.M.S. Spacetime 12.
Copy !req
432. Inspector, set the tachyon drive
to hyperjump.
Copy !req
433. We must get to the other side of
this star field
Copy !req
434. before the Blorgons intercept.
Copy !req
435. Blorgons in this sector?
Copy !req
436. Well, this mission has gone
pear-shaped, indeed.
Copy !req
437. Prepare to hyperjump
on my mark.
Copy !req
438. Bugger the dovecoats,
inspector.
Copy !req
439. We're too late! Blorgons!
Copy !req
440. Eradicate! Eradicate!
Copy !req
441. Our quantum blasters are
useless against their armor.
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442. We're as cooked as Lord Nelson's
mutton, we are.
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443. Not if I can help it.
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444. I'll see you on the other side
inspector... Wherever that is.
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445. Don't you mean
"whenever that is"?
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446. Take that, Blorgon scum!
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447. You'll blo-gon me
for this later.
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448. Ow, Annie!
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449. Oh, oh, my God!
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450. Abed, I'm so sorry.
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451. No, no, you're committing.
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452. This is good stuff.
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453. Thanks.
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454. I am Abed Nadir...
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455. And I don't know a lot of things
everyone else knows.
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456. I wander the universe
with my friend, Troy,
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457. doing whatever I want.
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458. Sometimes accidentally hurting
innocent unremarkables.
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459. This week, however, Troy went
to lunch and I adapted.
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460. I now have the ability
to enter the minds of others.
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461. - I'm hungry, are you hungry?
- Yeah.
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462. I'll make us buttered noodles.
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463. Using an elusive new
technique known as "empathy".
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464. So was the other fast food
place worth the drive, Shirley?
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465. You know, half way there I
thought, "What am I doing?
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466. It's the same fast food place
in a different location.
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467. Have the margins of my life
become so narrow?"
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468. So I went to the mall
and had pizza.
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469. Sounds like this has been a
game-changing day for all of us.
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470. I almost sat on my balls,
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471. but at the last second,
I made an adjustment.
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472. - Good job!
- Good work.
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473. Good job, man.
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474. Well, we had a good lunch, too.
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475. Yeah.
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476. I spoke to the manager
about Die Hard,
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477. and I told him he should be
ashamed of himself.
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478. Thanks.
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479. Sorry I bailed
on the Dreamatorium.
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480. It's okay, Annie did pretty
good in a pinch.
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481. All right, back to cramming?
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482. The people at the bank loved
my outfit.
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483. And they had all kinds of
questions about it
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484. and my answers seemed to amuse
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485. and... and even liberate
them a little.
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486. A few of us went to lunch
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487. and I had the deepest
conversation of my life.
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488. I gotta go,
I'm telling everybody.
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489. Hmm, maybe after
a long, dark night,
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490. the sun is starting
to rise on Greendale.
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491. Maybe. Maybe not.
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492. You never can tell what kind
of day you're gonna have.
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493. Okay, I didn't really avoid
sitting on them.
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494. I sat right on them.
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495. - Oh.
- Aw.
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496. - I'm sorry.
- Pierce, I'm sorry.
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497. Hurt like hell.
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498. I saw eagles.
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499. Today we're joined
by Annie Edison...
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500. - Hi!
- Who's gonna show us how
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501. to spruce up your
apartment on a budget.
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502. So, Annie, what
inspired this throw?
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503. Well, I just thought
that I'd cover up the stain
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504. where Abed spilled code red
on the couch last week.
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505. Oops. Crafty.
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506. And you have some tips
on entertaining.
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507. Yes, if you're
expecting company,
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508. but you don't have enough
chairs, you can bring out
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509. pillows from your bedroom and
use them on the floor
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510. for a Moroccan feel.
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511. - Ooh, a taste of the Orient.
- Ooh!
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512. Actually, boys, I have
a little surprise for you.
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513. - Uh-oh.
- While you two were out
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514. playing blazer tag...
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515. That's laser tag
with sport coats.
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516. I did a little extreme
bedroom makeover!
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517. I unbunked your beds and got
scrap fabric and...
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518. It's okay, buddy.
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519. We can put it back.
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520. We can put it back
the way it was.
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521. - I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
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522. It's... cut, Garrett.
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523. Sorry!
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