1. "Between two groups of people
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2. "who want to make inconsistent
kinds of worlds,
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3. I see no remedy but force."
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4. Oliver Wendell Holmes.
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5. There was a point
where all I saw were feathers.
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6. Then I started swinging.
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7. And then I hit something
and heard someone fall.
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8. Could've been somebody
from my side.
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9. In 2012,
Greendale Community College
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10. was the site of the largest
and longest pillow fight
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11. in community college history.
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12. It shaped and scarred
the landscape of their campus
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13. and forever changed the lives
of those involved.
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14. A health care
administration student,
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15. who turned the storage room
into a sanctuary for soldiers
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16. with broken glasses
and lightly grazed testicles.
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17. A high school dropout
and amateur photographer
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18. whose borrowed camera
would capture
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19. some of the war's blurriest,
most poorly framed moments.
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20. A disgraced former lawyer
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21. whose words would inspire
tens of students
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22. to take up pillows and fight,
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23. most likely to avoid
an upcoming test.
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24. A loving wife and mother
who would prove to be
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25. as skilled at kicking asses
as she was at wiping them.
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26. The dried-up heir
to a moist towelette empire,
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27. who would prove to be
the dried-up heir
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28. to a moist towelette empire.
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29. The sensitive
high school quarterback
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30. who became commander in chief
of his own army.
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31. He would later say of the war,
"it was awesome,
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32. but also, it wasn't?"
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33. And his socially
dysfunctional best friend
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34. turned bitter rival,
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35. an uncompromising tactical
mastermind feared by all
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36. yet unable to pay
parking tickets
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37. or know left from right
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38. without mouthing
the pledge of allegiance.
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39. The rift in their friendship
would carry their school
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40. into a conflict lasting days,
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41. costing hundreds of dollars
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42. and resulting in
over 12 transfers.
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43. There are people who say,
"I don't get it.
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44. So it was a pillow fight,"
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45. to which I say...
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46. "You weren't there."
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47. Jeffrey, you have to come
mediate Troy and Abed.
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48. They look up to you.
What's with the film crew?
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49. - Don't worry about that.
- Oh, I am worried about that.
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50. If there's one thing
I've learned at this place,
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51. it's that a film crew
means disaster.
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52. Okay, they are here to document
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53. Greendale's guinness record,
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54. which you are going
to make sure we get
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55. by talking to Troy and Abed
right now.
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56. - This is your fault.
- No, it's your fault.
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57. - This is your fault.
- Your fault.
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58. - Your fault!
- Your fault!
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59. Okay, I've got good news
for both of you.
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60. Neither of you has to apologize
because what you're doing
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61. is equally ridiculous.
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62. So here's the solution
I'm pitching.
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63. I'm giving you two
imaginary Friendship Hats
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64. that automatically
make you friends again.
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65. Are we done?
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66. Sorry, Jeff, but this matter's
a little more serious than that.
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67. No, it's not.
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68. You're children
acting like grown-ups.
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69. I mean, it's fine.
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70. But just don't pretend
it's anything but that.
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71. Troy Barnes and Abed Nadir.
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72. Friends so close,
they once graced the cover
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73. of Friends Weekly, a pretend
magazine of their own design.
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74. Earlier that day,
they begin construction
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75. on a fort made of pillows.
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76. Its name...
New Fluffytown.
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77. Its goal... to be a newer,
fluffier town than Fluffytown,
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78. their blanket fort
from the previous year.
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79. New Fluffytown
don't care who you were.
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80. You were surrounded
by softness.
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81. It's just like crawling
through a hug.
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82. Well...
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83. I guess all hugs
have to come to an end.
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84. When an opportunity
arises for a world record,
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85. it creates a rift.
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86. Troy wants to go for the record
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87. using blankets
for rapid expansion.
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88. Abed insists on pillows,
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89. declaring world records
to be dumb.
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90. Troy declares
the Declaration Lame,
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91. stating that thinking records
are dumb is stupid.
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92. He secedes from New Fluffytown
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93. and begins constructing
Blanketsburg
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94. on the other side
of the campus.
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95. Abed renames his fort
Pillowtown
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96. for the sake
of conceptual symmetry.
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97. Both forts expand until both
are in each other's way.
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98. Study Room "F," 3:00 P.M.,
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99. things quickly reach
their boiling point.
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100. - You stand back.
- Watch it, Star-Burns.
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101. My name is Alex!
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102. A softly lobbed,
hypoallergenic sealy select
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103. in a floral print case
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104. collides with
a load-bearing broomstick,
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105. collapsing a queen-sized section
of blanket fort.
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106. You saw that. They knocked it down!
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107. It was later named
"The Study Room Kerfuffle."
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108. Protect everyone!
Protect Pillowtown!
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109. Jeffrey, you're not mediating.
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110. Ah, Dean, what do you
want me to say, huh?
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111. I mean, some conflicts
are so pointless,
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112. they just have to play
themselves out.
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113. Fine.
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114. The Legit Republic
of Blanketsburg
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115. says Pillowtown has
until midnight tonight
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116. to surrender its territory.
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117. The United Forts of Pillowtown
declines the request.
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118. It's not a request.
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119. I'm giving you an "all tomato,"
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120. meaning that you give me
the whole tomato or else.
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121. Or else what?
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122. See you at midnight.
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123. Oh, my God.
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124. Do people go to classes?
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125. The deadline
divides friendships,
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126. families, even study groups.
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127. Pierce Hawthorne
takes Troy's side,
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128. citing that Abed is weirder
and more foreign.
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129. Shirley Bennett
decides her allegiance
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130. in a text message
to her husband.
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131. I'll be home late, sugar boots.
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132. Abed hurt Troy's feelings
by being a robot.
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133. Need to stay with my boy
to make sure
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134. Britta doesn't put him
on the weed.
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135. Please record forensic files.
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136. Troy appoints Shirley Bennett
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137. as his second-in-command,
at which point,
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138. Pierce switches to Abed's side.
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139. There were those who thought
that midnight might come and go,
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140. and nothing would happen.
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141. Well, I was in Korea,
and I knew the sound of crap
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142. when it was about
to hit the fan.
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143. You know what it sounded like?
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144. That's right, Jackson.
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145. Silence.
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146. Midnight comes,
and a campus holds its breath.
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147. I know there's a lot
of blanket stackers
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148. and pillow packers out there
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149. thinking it's going
to go down tonight.
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150. But there's a lot of us folks
from the scene in between
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151. saying, "Hey, we're all
looking to chill out
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152. and lay down
with someone special."
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153. This is real Neil
with pipes of steel,
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154. signing of with
the smooth sounds
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155. of daybreak.
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156. I gotta get this on film.
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157. I am straight trouncing spaz
in go fish.
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158. Dude, what are you doing?
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159. Don't record this.
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160. Wait, did you hear that?
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161. What the hell is that?
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162. 12:07 A.M.
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163. Blanketsburg soldiers charge
a pillow fort in the library.
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164. The pillowtonians
move quickly to defend.
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165. There were no rules
in that first battle.
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166. You hit someone,
and if they went down,
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167. you stop hitting them.
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168. Call that Common Courtesy.
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169. Then what if they get up?
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170. Do you maybe keep hitting them
till they learn to stay down?
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171. We call that Common Sense.
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172. The battle lasts six minutes.
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173. No territory changes hands.
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174. Blanketsburg
has drawn first blood.
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175. Pillowtown will draw
First Blood part II.
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176. Citizens of Blanketsburg,
I ask you now
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177. to prepare for war.
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178. And I ask Garrett to please fix
the microphone on my laptop.
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179. It's doing that thing again.
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180. The United Forts of Pillowtown
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181. and the Legit Republic
of Blanketsburg
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182. are at war,
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183. each side attempting to kick down
and replace the other.
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184. The unmoving line between them
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185. is a campus-wide,
fleece-laden strip
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186. of pillow-to-pillow
combat.
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187. Britta Perry attempts to capture
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188. the war's
sublime indignities on film.
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189. Unfortunately for Britta
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190. and millions of photographers
like her,
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191. just because something
is in black and white
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192. doesn't mean it's good.
Copy !req
193. Rules are agreed upon,
but casualties are inevitable.
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194. Outside the science lab,
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195. at the Battle
of Big Bulletin Board,
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196. Pierce Hawthorne
suffers broken glasses,
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197. a hurt finger,
and erectile dysfunction,
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198. which, in his words,
had never happened ever
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199. before that battle.
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200. "Pillows, but no sleep.
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201. "Feathers, but no birds.
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202. "Pajamas without children.
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203. "Violence without purpose.
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204. I saw mommy
kissing Exxon Mobil."
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205. Amanda Johnson.
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206. Poet by choice,
lesbian by birth.
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207. Even Jeff Winger,
who, before the war,
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208. lacked interest in it,
has now found a leading role.
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209. Soldiers of Blanketsburg,
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210. we fight not
because we want war.
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211. We fight,
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212. - that we might gain peace!
- Yeah!
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213. Winger's critics suggest
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214. he merely improvised
hot-button patriotic dogma
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215. in a Ferris Bueller-ian attempt
to delay schoolwork.
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216. Winger decries
the accusation as,
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217. "A slanderous betrayal
akin to 9/11."
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218. Later after the war,
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219. he would refer to the theory
as "essentially accurate."
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220. Annie Edison provides
humanitarian relief
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221. for both sides.
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222. Her text conversations with
Jeff Winger give us a glimpse
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223. beneath the cushions of war
to the lost pennies
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224. and grody q-tips
of war's emotional toll.
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225. "Jeff, heard from one of
Troy's soldiers about a speech
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226. "you gave to troops
at the blanket fort.
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227. "Wish this war could be over.
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228. But proud of you
for taking a stance."
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229. Text message.
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230. Annie Edison.
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231. "Thank you, Annie.
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232. "I'm proud of you too
and of us all.
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233. "Also with the nightmare
would end.
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234. But using what I'm given
to give what I can."
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235. Jeff Winger.
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236. "Jeff, just heard
from one of Abed's soldiers
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237. "that you gave an identical
speech to troops at Pillowtown.
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238. "WTF? Sad face.
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239. Special icon of
a downward thumb."
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240. "Annie, okay, you caught me.
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241. "I prefer war to homework.
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242. "How do you do
that little thumb icon?
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243. I can't find it on my phone."
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244. Jeff Winger.
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245. "Jeff, you're disgusting.
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246. "Troy and Abed's friendship
is at stake.
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247. "You can buy special icons
and packages at the app store.
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248. Piece of Sushi, birthday cake,
stop sign, snowman, umbrella."
Copy !req
249. Annie Edison.
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250. Pierce Hawthorne, humiliated
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251. in the Battle
of Big Bulletin Board,
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252. wants a chance
to redeem himself.
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253. I'm working on something.
Look at this.
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254. You can build this?
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255. You just give me the pillows.
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256. I hope to God
we'll never have to use it.
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257. Oh, me too.
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258. Rumors of Hawthorne's weapon
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259. find their way to Troy.
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260. Troy Barnes
will take no chances.
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261. He turns to Ben Chang,
Greendale's chief of security,
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262. rumored to be
literally psychotic,
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263. and who has been kept on
the sidelines until this moment.
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264. Aah!
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265. Chang has recruited an army
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266. of preteen security interns
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267. while moonlighting
at a local Bar Mitzvah.
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268. They were later nicknamed
"The Changlorious Basterds,"
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269. like Inglourious Basterds,
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270. but with "Chang"
instead of "In."
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271. I don't get it either.
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272. Most of the soldiers
in this war
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273. hadn't fought
with a pillow in years.
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274. These little bastards.
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275. Pillow fighting was
a way of life for them.
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276. One of the interns said
they were making necklaces
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277. out of mattress tags.
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278. This is when things get
as ugly as they can get...
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279. While still being
a pillow fight.
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280. "Crazy war, huh?
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281. "I heard Chang's kids
are really ducking stuff up.
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282. "Hey, check it out.
I downloaded that thing.
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283. "Birthday cake, birthday cake,
unicorn, woman's shoe.
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284. How's the nurse thing going?"
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285. No response.
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286. You guys like pillows?
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287. How do you like these pillows?
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288. The Changlorious
Basterds have turned the war
Copy !req
289. into a chaotic sea
of high-thread-count terror.
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290. Under advice
from his top general,
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291. Abed sees no choice but to
unleash his doomsday device.
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292. You're going to die,
you little bastards!
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293. What the heck is that?
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294. He is part man, part pillow...
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295. All carnage.
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296. Pierce Hawthorne
has transformed himself
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297. into an unstoppably
plush juggernaut.
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298. Guys, guys, let's retreat.
Go, go!
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299. "The war won't stop with
First Blood part II.
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300. "It will escalate to Rambo III,
which should really be called
Copy !req
301. First Blood part III.
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302. "But the Rambo titles
never made sense.
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303. And neither does war."
Copy !req
304. Abed Nadir.
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305. Facebook status update.
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306. Leonard likes this post.
Copy !req
307. Why are you ignoring me?
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308. What's the point
of talking to you?
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309. Your words don't mean anything.
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310. They're just things you say
to get what you want.
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311. Well, that's what
conversation is, Annie.
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312. People saying things
to get stuff.
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313. Then maybe you
should just shut up.
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314. Do you ever just...
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315. Write stuff down
in a journal, Jeff?
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316. One you don't show people
or use to get anything with?
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317. A place
that's just for you to...
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318. Sort out the truth?
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319. If I write stuff down
in a Hello Kitty book,
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320. will you like me again?
Copy !req
321. I'm taking that as yes.
Copy !req
322. The war brings out
the worst in people.
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323. Worse yet, Troy's forces
intercept an e-mail
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324. written by Abed
to his commanders,
Copy !req
325. outlining Troy's weaknesses.
Copy !req
326. "Troy will hold on
until he is broken emotionally.
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327. "Fortunately,
this will not be hard.
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328. "He gets distracted
by loud noises,
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329. "the color red,
smooth jazz, shiny things
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330. "food smells, music boxes,
bellbottoms,
Copy !req
331. "boobs, barking dogs, and anyone
saying, "Look over there!"
Copy !req
332. "He's insecure about his level
of intelligence.
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333. "His greatest vulnerability of
all is his emotional frailty.
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334. "It's incredibly easy
to make him cry.
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335. And he's incredibly ashamed
of that fact."
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336. Get away!
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337. Unfortunately,
the only photographer there
Copy !req
338. to capture the scene
is Britta Perry.
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339. Yeah, gee.
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340. There's a good one.
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341. Pictured here lying down,
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342. Troy's does not take
Abed's e-mail lying down.
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343. "Hey, dick.
Read your dumb e-mail.
Copy !req
344. "Really enjoyed it.
Guess what?
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345. "You may have been
my best friend,
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346. "but we both know
I was your first friend.
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347. "And what I know
but you don't know
Copy !req
348. "because you have mental issues
Copy !req
349. "is that you're never going
to have another friend.
Copy !req
350. "Because... all caps...
Copy !req
351. MY PATIENCE WITH YOU!"
Copy !req
352. Troy Barnes.
Four-part text message.
Copy !req
353. Word got around these two
Copy !req
354. were now hurting
each ether's feelings.
Copy !req
355. And I thought
about what Annie said,
Copy !req
356. and then I thought about
Copy !req
357. what I might do
to make things right.
Copy !req
358. At 8:00 P.M.
of the second night,
Copy !req
359. both sides are honoring
an agreed upon cease-fire
Copy !req
360. so that the infantry
can watch the hit TV show
Copy !req
361. Ski, Shoot, Sing,
Copy !req
362. a combination biathlon
singing competition,
Copy !req
363. which was no fun
to watch time-shifted
Copy !req
364. because then you'd be
the last to know who won.
Copy !req
365. During the cease-fire,
Copy !req
366. Jeff summons Troy and Abed
to a secret summit meeting.
Copy !req
367. - This has to stop.
- Tell him.
Copy !req
368. Me?
What about your e-mail?
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369. You weren't supposed
to see that.
Copy !req
370. You weren't supposed
to think those things.
Copy !req
371. Guys, look at yourselves.
Copy !req
372. You didn't
used to be like this.
Copy !req
373. You were Troy and Abed.
Things used to be easy.
Copy !req
374. He's right.
Copy !req
375. Our friendship is dead.
What?
Copy !req
376. Yeah, I think we should agree
right now
Copy !req
377. that whoever wins this war
can stay in the apartment.
Copy !req
378. Loser has to find a new place.
Copy !req
379. Agreed.
Copy !req
380. Uh, I wanted that
to go different.
Copy !req
381. The North Cafeteria,
Copy !req
382. named after
admiral William North,
Copy !req
383. is located in the western
portion of East Hall,
Copy !req
384. gateway to the western half
of North Hall,
Copy !req
385. which is named
not after William North,
Copy !req
386. but for its position
above the South Wall.
Copy !req
387. It is the most contested
and confusing battlefield
Copy !req
388. on Greendale's campus,
Copy !req
389. next to the English Memorial
Spanish Center,
Copy !req
390. named after English Memorial,
Copy !req
391. a portuguese sailor
that discovered Greendale
Copy !req
392. while looking for a fountain
that cured syphilis.
Copy !req
393. In a fit of hurt feelings, Troy
redirects most of his infantry
Copy !req
394. to the Cafeteria.
Copy !req
395. They arrive at the same time
Copy !req
396. as 100 Pillowtown troops.
Copy !req
397. Just after dawn,
the end of the war begins.
Copy !req
398. Aah!
Okay, I'm out.
Copy !req
399. I'm dead, I'm dead.
Copy !req
400. I'm dead.
I'm dead.
Copy !req
401. Well, that's it.
Copy !req
402. I just heard
from the Guinness rep.
Copy !req
403. He's not coming.
Copy !req
404. He's been fired,
in what he described
Copy !req
405. as the world's biggest mistake.
Copy !req
406. I doubt that will make
the next edition.
Copy !req
407. Anyway, it's over.
Copy !req
408. What a colossal waste
of 21/2 days.
Copy !req
409. The war has
no more reason to continue,
Copy !req
410. and yet it does
between the two that began it.
Copy !req
411. They just kept fighting.
Copy !req
412. Like, for hours.
Copy !req
413. Come on, guys.
Let's wrap this up.
Copy !req
414. I don't want to.
Copy !req
415. - Me neither.
- Why not?
Copy !req
416. This is going to be the last
thing we ever do together.
Copy !req
417. We can't stop.
Copy !req
418. Doesn't that
kind of solve your problem?
Copy !req
419. The realization that you
like each other so much,
Copy !req
420. you'd hit each other
with pillows forever?
Copy !req
421. Knowing that doesn't
feel like enough anymore.
Copy !req
422. Yeah.
We're grown-ups now.
Copy !req
423. We have grown-up problems.
Copy !req
424. That's very clear.
Copy !req
425. Unless...
Copy !req
426. You use those magical friendship
hats that I got for you.
Copy !req
427. We're not stupid, Jeffrey.
Copy !req
428. We know you made those
sarcastically.
Copy !req
429. Yes, yes.
Copy !req
430. And I will roll my eyes
at both of you
Copy !req
431. when I put them on your heads
because that's the way I am.
Copy !req
432. But that's not the way
you have to be.
Copy !req
433. We might be interested.
Copy !req
434. Okay, then.
Copy !req
435. Here's your magical
Friendship Hat, and...
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436. - Jeff.
- What?
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437. You left the magical
Friendship Hats
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438. at the Dean's office.
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439. Right.
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440. Of course.
I'll go get them.
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441. So Jeff went out,
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442. and he stayed out long enough
to make them believe
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443. he had gone back to the office.
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444. That was a nice touch.
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445. There you go.
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446. Lucky no one grabbed them, huh?
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447. Britta Perry
is there to immortalize
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448. the moment on film...
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449. Accidentally while trying
to get a picture of the light
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450. hitting a stack
of nearby waffles.
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451. Pierce, take that off.
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452. I can't hear you!
Your cheeks are in the way.
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453. First entry
in my stupid journal.
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454. Today I had to run and get
two imaginary Friendship Hats
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455. from an office.
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456. I could've just walked
around the corner
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457. and the come back,
but for some reason,
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458. I actually went
all the way back
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459. to where they were
supposed to be.
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460. One was crumpled up a bit.
That was Troy's.
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461. The other was just a little
dusty. That was Abed's.
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462. I fixed them up even though
I was the only one watching
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463. because I settled on
a truth today
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464. that's always going to be true.
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465. I would do anything
for my friends,
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466. which I think is how everyone
in the world feels,
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467. which finally makes me
understand war.
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468. Guys...
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469. I wasn't going
to show this to anyone,
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470. but, uh, it's pretty profound.
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471. I kind of nailed it.
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472. If you want, I can read it
in the documentary.
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473. That is,
unless you get Tom Hanks.
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474. We tried to get Tom Hanks,
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475. but he's too expensive.
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476. So we used the people involved
for their own voiceover.
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477. Yeah, and I nailed that too.
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478. Why are you here
at the same time as me?
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479. Tight schedule.
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480. - Hey, were you in The Cape?
- No.
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481. Wow.
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482. - Mm.
- I've got goosebumps.
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483. Me too.
Such a great story.
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484. I was on the edge of my seat,
and I was in it.
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485. You want to know what
struck me while I was watching
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486. - that marvelous documentary?
- Hmm?
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487. You can't get quality
programming like that
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488. anywhere else but right here
on Greendale Campus Television.
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489. Just thinking that same thing.
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490. Pillows and Blankets.
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491. Or any of these other
great specials,
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492. A Year in Paris.
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493. The Annie's Boobs Story
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494. or That's Enter-Chang-Ment.
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495. Folks, we know you hate
these constant pledge drives.
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496. We know you hate them.
We don't love doing them.
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497. We don't like
doing them either.
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498. - I'd rather be at home right now.
- Mm-hmm.
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499. Okay, taking a warm bath
with my wife.
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500. But if you want to help us out,
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501. if you want to help
Greendale Campus Television
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502. to stay on the air,
keep the lights on.
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503. We are literally this close
to losing our...
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