Community 3x14

1. "Between two groups of people

2. "who want to make inconsistent kinds of worlds,

3. I see no remedy but force."

4. Oliver Wendell Holmes.

5. There was a point where all I saw were feathers.

6. Then I started swinging.

7. And then I hit something and heard someone fall.

8. Could've been somebody from my side.

9. In 2012, Greendale Community College

10. was the site of the largest and longest pillow fight

11. in community college history.

12. It shaped and scarred the landscape of their campus

13. and forever changed the lives of those involved.

14. A health care administration student,

15. who turned the storage room into a sanctuary for soldiers

16. with broken glasses and lightly grazed testicles.

17. A high school dropout and amateur photographer

18. whose borrowed camera would capture

19. some of the war's blurriest, most poorly framed moments.

20. A disgraced former lawyer

21. whose words would inspire tens of students

22. to take up pillows and fight,

23. most likely to avoid an upcoming test.

24. A loving wife and mother who would prove to be

25. as skilled at kicking asses as she was at wiping them.

26. The dried-up heir to a moist towelette empire,

27. who would prove to be the dried-up heir

28. to a moist towelette empire.

29. The sensitive high school quarterback

30. who became commander in chief of his own army.

31. He would later say of the war, "it was awesome,

32. but also, it wasn't?"

33. And his socially dysfunctional best friend

34. turned bitter rival,

35. an uncompromising tactical mastermind feared by all

36. yet unable to pay parking tickets

37. or know left from right

38. without mouthing the pledge of allegiance.

39. The rift in their friendship would carry their school

40. into a conflict lasting days,

41. costing hundreds of dollars

42. and resulting in over 12 transfers.

43. There are people who say, "I don't get it.

44. So it was a pillow fight,"

45. to which I say...

46. "You weren't there."

47. Jeffrey, you have to come mediate Troy and Abed.

48. They look up to you. What's with the film crew?

49. - Don't worry about that. - Oh, I am worried about that.

50. If there's one thing I've learned at this place,

51. it's that a film crew means disaster.

52. Okay, they are here to document

53. Greendale's guinness record,

54. which you are going to make sure we get

55. by talking to Troy and Abed right now.

56. - This is your fault. - No, it's your fault.

57. - This is your fault. - Your fault.

58. - Your fault! - Your fault!

59. Okay, I've got good news for both of you.

60. Neither of you has to apologize because what you're doing

61. is equally ridiculous.

62. So here's the solution I'm pitching.

63. I'm giving you two imaginary Friendship Hats

64. that automatically make you friends again.

65. Are we done?

66. Sorry, Jeff, but this matter's a little more serious than that.

67. No, it's not.

68. You're children acting like grown-ups.

69. I mean, it's fine.

70. But just don't pretend it's anything but that.

71. Troy Barnes and Abed Nadir.

72. Friends so close, they once graced the cover

73. of Friends Weekly, a pretend magazine of their own design.

74. Earlier that day, they begin construction

75. on a fort made of pillows.

76. Its name... New Fluffytown.

77. Its goal... to be a newer, fluffier town than Fluffytown,

78. their blanket fort from the previous year.

79. New Fluffytown don't care who you were.

80. You were surrounded by softness.

81. It's just like crawling through a hug.

82. Well...

83. I guess all hugs have to come to an end.

84. When an opportunity arises for a world record,

85. it creates a rift.

86. Troy wants to go for the record

87. using blankets for rapid expansion.

88. Abed insists on pillows,

89. declaring world records to be dumb.

90. Troy declares the Declaration Lame,

91. stating that thinking records are dumb is stupid.

92. He secedes from New Fluffytown

93. and begins constructing Blanketsburg

94. on the other side of the campus.

95. Abed renames his fort Pillowtown

96. for the sake of conceptual symmetry.

97. Both forts expand until both are in each other's way.

98. Study Room "F," 3:00 P.M.,

99. things quickly reach their boiling point.

100. - You stand back. - Watch it, Star-Burns.

101. My name is Alex!

102. A softly lobbed, hypoallergenic sealy select

103. in a floral print case

104. collides with a load-bearing broomstick,

105. collapsing a queen-sized section of blanket fort.

106. You saw that. They knocked it down!

107. It was later named "The Study Room Kerfuffle."

108. Protect everyone! Protect Pillowtown!

109. Jeffrey, you're not mediating.

110. Ah, Dean, what do you want me to say, huh?

111. I mean, some conflicts are so pointless,

112. they just have to play themselves out.

113. Fine.

114. The Legit Republic of Blanketsburg

115. says Pillowtown has until midnight tonight

116. to surrender its territory.

117. The United Forts of Pillowtown declines the request.

118. It's not a request.

119. I'm giving you an "all tomato,"

120. meaning that you give me the whole tomato or else.

121. Or else what?

122. See you at midnight.

123. Oh, my God.

124. Do people go to classes?

125. The deadline divides friendships,

126. families, even study groups.

127. Pierce Hawthorne takes Troy's side,

128. citing that Abed is weirder and more foreign.

129. Shirley Bennett decides her allegiance

130. in a text message to her husband.

131. I'll be home late, sugar boots.

132. Abed hurt Troy's feelings by being a robot.

133. Need to stay with my boy to make sure

134. Britta doesn't put him on the weed.

135. Please record forensic files.

136. Troy appoints Shirley Bennett

137. as his second-in-command, at which point,

138. Pierce switches to Abed's side.

139. There were those who thought that midnight might come and go,

140. and nothing would happen.

141. Well, I was in Korea, and I knew the sound of crap

142. when it was about to hit the fan.

143. You know what it sounded like?

144. That's right, Jackson.

145. Silence.

146. Midnight comes, and a campus holds its breath.

147. I know there's a lot of blanket stackers

148. and pillow packers out there

149. thinking it's going to go down tonight.

150. But there's a lot of us folks from the scene in between

151. saying, "Hey, we're all looking to chill out

152. and lay down with someone special."

153. This is real Neil with pipes of steel,

154. signing of with the smooth sounds

155. of daybreak.

156. I gotta get this on film.

157. I am straight trouncing spaz in go fish.

158. Dude, what are you doing?

159. Don't record this.

160. Wait, did you hear that?

161. What the hell is that?

162. 12:07 A.M.

163. Blanketsburg soldiers charge a pillow fort in the library.

164. The pillowtonians move quickly to defend.

165. There were no rules in that first battle.

166. You hit someone, and if they went down,

167. you stop hitting them.

168. Call that Common Courtesy.

169. Then what if they get up?

170. Do you maybe keep hitting them till they learn to stay down?

171. We call that Common Sense.

172. The battle lasts six minutes.

173. No territory changes hands.

174. Blanketsburg has drawn first blood.

175. Pillowtown will draw First Blood part II.

176. Citizens of Blanketsburg, I ask you now

177. to prepare for war.

178. And I ask Garrett to please fix the microphone on my laptop.

179. It's doing that thing again.

180. The United Forts of Pillowtown

181. and the Legit Republic of Blanketsburg

182. are at war,

183. each side attempting to kick down and replace the other.

184. The unmoving line between them

185. is a campus-wide, fleece-laden strip

186. of pillow-to-pillow combat.

187. Britta Perry attempts to capture

188. the war's sublime indignities on film.

189. Unfortunately for Britta

190. and millions of photographers like her,

191. just because something is in black and white

192. doesn't mean it's good.

193. Rules are agreed upon, but casualties are inevitable.

194. Outside the science lab,

195. at the Battle of Big Bulletin Board,

196. Pierce Hawthorne suffers broken glasses,

197. a hurt finger, and erectile dysfunction,

198. which, in his words, had never happened ever

199. before that battle.

200. "Pillows, but no sleep.

201. "Feathers, but no birds.

202. "Pajamas without children.

203. "Violence without purpose.

204. I saw mommy kissing Exxon Mobil."

205. Amanda Johnson.

206. Poet by choice, lesbian by birth.

207. Even Jeff Winger, who, before the war,

208. lacked interest in it, has now found a leading role.

209. Soldiers of Blanketsburg,

210. we fight not because we want war.

211. We fight,

212. - that we might gain peace! - Yeah!

213. Winger's critics suggest

214. he merely improvised hot-button patriotic dogma

215. in a Ferris Bueller-ian attempt to delay schoolwork.

216. Winger decries the accusation as,

217. "A slanderous betrayal akin to 9/11."

218. Later after the war,

219. he would refer to the theory as "essentially accurate."

220. Annie Edison provides humanitarian relief

221. for both sides.

222. Her text conversations with Jeff Winger give us a glimpse

223. beneath the cushions of war to the lost pennies

224. and grody q-tips of war's emotional toll.

225. "Jeff, heard from one of Troy's soldiers about a speech

226. "you gave to troops at the blanket fort.

227. "Wish this war could be over.

228. But proud of you for taking a stance."

229. Text message.

230. Annie Edison.

231. "Thank you, Annie.

232. "I'm proud of you too and of us all.

233. "Also with the nightmare would end.

234. But using what I'm given to give what I can."

235. Jeff Winger.

236. "Jeff, just heard from one of Abed's soldiers

237. "that you gave an identical speech to troops at Pillowtown.

238. "WTF? Sad face.

239. Special icon of a downward thumb."

240. "Annie, okay, you caught me.

241. "I prefer war to homework.

242. "How do you do that little thumb icon?

243. I can't find it on my phone."

244. Jeff Winger.

245. "Jeff, you're disgusting.

246. "Troy and Abed's friendship is at stake.

247. "You can buy special icons and packages at the app store.

248. Piece of Sushi, birthday cake, stop sign, snowman, umbrella."

249. Annie Edison.

250. Pierce Hawthorne, humiliated

251. in the Battle of Big Bulletin Board,

252. wants a chance to redeem himself.

253. I'm working on something. Look at this.

254. You can build this?

255. You just give me the pillows.

256. I hope to God we'll never have to use it.

257. Oh, me too.

258. Rumors of Hawthorne's weapon

259. find their way to Troy.

260. Troy Barnes will take no chances.

261. He turns to Ben Chang, Greendale's chief of security,

262. rumored to be literally psychotic,

263. and who has been kept on the sidelines until this moment.

264. Aah!

265. Chang has recruited an army

266. of preteen security interns

267. while moonlighting at a local Bar Mitzvah.

268. They were later nicknamed "The Changlorious Basterds,"

269. like Inglourious Basterds,

270. but with "Chang" instead of "In."

271. I don't get it either.

272. Most of the soldiers in this war

273. hadn't fought with a pillow in years.

274. These little bastards.

275. Pillow fighting was a way of life for them.

276. One of the interns said they were making necklaces

277. out of mattress tags.

278. This is when things get as ugly as they can get...

279. While still being a pillow fight.

280. "Crazy war, huh?

281. "I heard Chang's kids are really ducking stuff up.

282. "Hey, check it out. I downloaded that thing.

283. "Birthday cake, birthday cake, unicorn, woman's shoe.

284. How's the nurse thing going?"

285. No response.

286. You guys like pillows?

287. How do you like these pillows?

288. The Changlorious Basterds have turned the war

289. into a chaotic sea of high-thread-count terror.

290. Under advice from his top general,

291. Abed sees no choice but to unleash his doomsday device.

292. You're going to die, you little bastards!

293. What the heck is that?

294. He is part man, part pillow...

295. All carnage.

296. Pierce Hawthorne has transformed himself

297. into an unstoppably plush juggernaut.

298. Guys, guys, let's retreat. Go, go!

299. "The war won't stop with First Blood part II.

300. "It will escalate to Rambo III, which should really be called

301. First Blood part III.

302. "But the Rambo titles never made sense.

303. And neither does war."

304. Abed Nadir.

305. Facebook status update.

306. Leonard likes this post.

307. Why are you ignoring me?

308. What's the point of talking to you?

309. Your words don't mean anything.

310. They're just things you say to get what you want.

311. Well, that's what conversation is, Annie.

312. People saying things to get stuff.

313. Then maybe you should just shut up.

314. Do you ever just...

315. Write stuff down in a journal, Jeff?

316. One you don't show people or use to get anything with?

317. A place that's just for you to...

318. Sort out the truth?

319. If I write stuff down in a Hello Kitty book,

320. will you like me again?

321. I'm taking that as yes.

322. The war brings out the worst in people.

323. Worse yet, Troy's forces intercept an e-mail

324. written by Abed to his commanders,

325. outlining Troy's weaknesses.

326. "Troy will hold on until he is broken emotionally.

327. "Fortunately, this will not be hard.

328. "He gets distracted by loud noises,

329. "the color red, smooth jazz, shiny things

330. "food smells, music boxes, bellbottoms,

331. "boobs, barking dogs, and anyone saying, "Look over there!"

332. "He's insecure about his level of intelligence.

333. "His greatest vulnerability of all is his emotional frailty.

334. "It's incredibly easy to make him cry.

335. And he's incredibly ashamed of that fact."

336. Get away!

337. Unfortunately, the only photographer there

338. to capture the scene is Britta Perry.

339. Yeah, gee.

340. There's a good one.

341. Pictured here lying down,

342. Troy's does not take Abed's e-mail lying down.

343. "Hey, dick. Read your dumb e-mail.

344. "Really enjoyed it. Guess what?

345. "You may have been my best friend,

346. "but we both know I was your first friend.

347. "And what I know but you don't know

348. "because you have mental issues

349. "is that you're never going to have another friend.

350. "Because... all caps...

351. MY PATIENCE WITH YOU!"

352. Troy Barnes. Four-part text message.

353. Word got around these two

354. were now hurting each ether's feelings.

355. And I thought about what Annie said,

356. and then I thought about

357. what I might do to make things right.

358. At 8:00 P.M. of the second night,

359. both sides are honoring an agreed upon cease-fire

360. so that the infantry can watch the hit TV show

361. Ski, Shoot, Sing,

362. a combination biathlon singing competition,

363. which was no fun to watch time-shifted

364. because then you'd be the last to know who won.

365. During the cease-fire,

366. Jeff summons Troy and Abed to a secret summit meeting.

367. - This has to stop. - Tell him.

368. Me? What about your e-mail?

369. You weren't supposed to see that.

370. You weren't supposed to think those things.

371. Guys, look at yourselves.

372. You didn't used to be like this.

373. You were Troy and Abed. Things used to be easy.

374. He's right.

375. Our friendship is dead. What?

376. Yeah, I think we should agree right now

377. that whoever wins this war can stay in the apartment.

378. Loser has to find a new place.

379. Agreed.

380. Uh, I wanted that to go different.

381. The North Cafeteria,

382. named after admiral William North,

383. is located in the western portion of East Hall,

384. gateway to the western half of North Hall,

385. which is named not after William North,

386. but for its position above the South Wall.

387. It is the most contested and confusing battlefield

388. on Greendale's campus,

389. next to the English Memorial Spanish Center,

390. named after English Memorial,

391. a portuguese sailor that discovered Greendale

392. while looking for a fountain that cured syphilis.

393. In a fit of hurt feelings, Troy redirects most of his infantry

394. to the Cafeteria.

395. They arrive at the same time

396. as 100 Pillowtown troops.

397. Just after dawn, the end of the war begins.

398. Aah! Okay, I'm out.

399. I'm dead, I'm dead.

400. I'm dead. I'm dead.

401. Well, that's it.

402. I just heard from the Guinness rep.

403. He's not coming.

404. He's been fired, in what he described

405. as the world's biggest mistake.

406. I doubt that will make the next edition.

407. Anyway, it's over.

408. What a colossal waste of 21/2 days.

409. The war has no more reason to continue,

410. and yet it does between the two that began it.

411. They just kept fighting.

412. Like, for hours.

413. Come on, guys. Let's wrap this up.

414. I don't want to.

415. - Me neither. - Why not?

416. This is going to be the last thing we ever do together.

417. We can't stop.

418. Doesn't that kind of solve your problem?

419. The realization that you like each other so much,

420. you'd hit each other with pillows forever?

421. Knowing that doesn't feel like enough anymore.

422. Yeah. We're grown-ups now.

423. We have grown-up problems.

424. That's very clear.

425. Unless...

426. You use those magical friendship hats that I got for you.

427. We're not stupid, Jeffrey.

428. We know you made those sarcastically.

429. Yes, yes.

430. And I will roll my eyes at both of you

431. when I put them on your heads because that's the way I am.

432. But that's not the way you have to be.

433. We might be interested.

434. Okay, then.

435. Here's your magical Friendship Hat, and...

436. - Jeff. - What?

437. You left the magical Friendship Hats

438. at the Dean's office.

439. Right.

440. Of course. I'll go get them.

441. So Jeff went out,

442. and he stayed out long enough to make them believe

443. he had gone back to the office.

444. That was a nice touch.

445. There you go.

446. Lucky no one grabbed them, huh?

447. Britta Perry is there to immortalize

448. the moment on film...

449. Accidentally while trying to get a picture of the light

450. hitting a stack of nearby waffles.

451. Pierce, take that off.

452. I can't hear you! Your cheeks are in the way.

453. First entry in my stupid journal.

454. Today I had to run and get two imaginary Friendship Hats

455. from an office.

456. I could've just walked around the corner

457. and the come back, but for some reason,

458. I actually went all the way back

459. to where they were supposed to be.

460. One was crumpled up a bit. That was Troy's.

461. The other was just a little dusty. That was Abed's.

462. I fixed them up even though I was the only one watching

463. because I settled on a truth today

464. that's always going to be true.

465. I would do anything for my friends,

466. which I think is how everyone in the world feels,

467. which finally makes me understand war.

468. Guys...

469. I wasn't going to show this to anyone,

470. but, uh, it's pretty profound.

471. I kind of nailed it.

472. If you want, I can read it in the documentary.

473. That is, unless you get Tom Hanks.

474. We tried to get Tom Hanks,

475. but he's too expensive.

476. So we used the people involved for their own voiceover.

477. Yeah, and I nailed that too.

478. Why are you here at the same time as me?

479. Tight schedule.

480. - Hey, were you in The Cape? - No.

481. Wow.

482. - Mm. - I've got goosebumps.

483. Me too. Such a great story.

484. I was on the edge of my seat, and I was in it.

485. You want to know what struck me while I was watching

486. - that marvelous documentary? - Hmm?

487. You can't get quality programming like that

488. anywhere else but right here on Greendale Campus Television.

489. Just thinking that same thing.

490. Pillows and Blankets.

491. Or any of these other great specials,

492. A Year in Paris.

493. The Annie's Boobs Story

494. or That's Enter-Chang-Ment.

495. Folks, we know you hate these constant pledge drives.

496. We know you hate them. We don't love doing them.

497. We don't like doing them either.

498. - I'd rather be at home right now. - Mm-hmm.

499. Okay, taking a warm bath with my wife.

500. But if you want to help us out,

501. if you want to help Greendale Campus Television

502. to stay on the air, keep the lights on.

503. We are literally this close to losing our...