Community 2x12

Directed by Anthony Russo

John Oliver as Professor Ian Duncan • Charley Koontz as Neil • Malcolm-Jamal Warner as Andre Bennett • Marcy McCusker as Quendra • Greg Cromer as Rich

The group members debate whether to add Annie’s crush, who recently enrolled at Greendale, or Señor Chang to the group. Shirley’s ex-husband comes back into the picture, and she has big news for everyone.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Did everyone have a good break? - I discovered a new muscle to work out.

2. Ladies, you'll thank me come tank top season.

3. I checked all of Pierce's wardrobes for portals to magical worlds.

4. All I found was something called Emmanuelle in Space on laserdisc...

5. I couldn't watch it, but it sounded sexy.

6. Laserdisc.

7. I joined a campus volunteer group that cleans the city.

8. We picked up litter on the freeway and dredged the river.

9. - Dredged it for what? - You know, garbage and stuff.

10. Tires, condoms, needles.

11. At one point, we found a finger.

12. Why are you using your I-love-butterflies voice?

13. What? Am I? I don't know.

14. Volunteer work is nice. You do nice things. With nice people.

15. Somebody's finding river fingers with a cute boy.

16. What? No.

17. OK, yes, but it doesn't matter.

18. It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy.

19. He goes to Greendale? The Russian that looks like a short Johnny Depp?

20. The guy who looks like Vince Vaughn and smells fish?

21. I don't want to talk about it.

22. I have someone in my life that I'm happy to talk about.

23. Again with the Jesus.

24. Jesus is always in my life,

25. but things have been looking better every day with my ex-husband.

26. The guy looks like Anderson Cooper with a ponytail?

27. Is it black Michael Chiklis?

28. - The white George Foreman? - You talking about the same person.

29. He's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.

30. Guys, stop guessing.

31. It's not a thing at all. It's just a friend. Change the subject.

32. Chang the subject.

33. What are you doing up there?

34. It's the beginning of a new semester of Anthropology.

35. I'm here to get what I was promised.

36. - Sure. Who has Chang's pile of nothing? - You know what I mean.

37. I am sick of the runaround.

38. I'm here to demand an answer about whether I'm joining the group.

39. If we have to give an answer, it would have to be no.

40. Take your time. Sleep on it.

41. Then get back to me. Or else.

42. Jeff, you did say we would let him in eventually.

43. That was before he started using his name as a pun.

44. It makes me so changry. God, it's happening to me.

45. Let's get back to Annie's. Is it Fat Neil?

46. - Blue Streak? - Optimus Prime?

47. Even I know some of these are Transformers.

48. Who cares who it is? Let's just study.

49. Study what?

50. Could we talk about something other?

51. We could talk about my love life.

52. Is it Jean-Claude van Overbite?

53. - We should learning people's names. - I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.

54. - Feygnasse Team -

55. La Fabrique ::.

56. 2x12: Asian Population Studies

57. Duncan's late.

58. I hope he didn't drive his car into another marathon.

59. How can you want to date your ex-husband after what he did to you?

60. He apologized.

61. He apologized. I guess that completely unbangs that stripper.

62. Forgive me for being forgiving.

63. That's right. You don't know how.

64. I'm relieved Shirley is seeing her ex-husband and not Chang.

65. Why would she be with Chang?

66. Why do I have to say everything I'm thinking?

67. I wish my mouth was further away from my brain.

68. I wish my brain had its own brain.

69. I wish Chang hadn't had sex with Shirley.

70. What? When?

71. Where?

72. How?

73. - I can't talk about it. - I'm your roommate.

74. I can keep a secret.

75. OK, remember that Halloween party that none of us can remember?

76. I don't remember anything we can remember.

77. Chang left me a message that night saying that they did it.

78. But you can't tell anybody.

79. You have my word as your roommate,

80. and that is a bond I will never violate.

81. - You can't tweet it either. - We never discussed new media.

82. Sorry all that stuff got dragged out about me having a crush on somebody.

83. - Why would you be sorry about that? - You know. Awkward.

84. You don't think I actually care, did you?

85. No, I just didn't want you to think I thought you cared.

86. Greetings, all and sundry,

87. and welcome to your second semester of Anthropology,

88. where it is about to get real.

89. I forget where we left off last year. Fat Neil.

90. - The Bronze Age. - Thank you, Fat Neil.

91. - Neil's fine. - Not from an actuarial standpoint.

92. Now please forgive my lateness,

93. but I wasn't sure how to find Greendale sober.

94. Yes, you heard me right.

95. I have stopped drinking.

96. Mainly due to the fact that I could no longer get an erection.

97. Now that I'm on the wagon, you can expect both this class

98. and my penis to be more focused and rewarding.

99. Also, there's gonna be more than one diorama.

100. Lame!

101. I am so sorry.

102. I train seeing-eye dogs, and today was graduation.

103. I couldn't leave without shaking their little paws.

104. - You're taking Anthropology? - You made it sound so fun.

105. We spent the holiday break dredging a river together.

106. - We found... - A finger. Yes.

107. It sounds gruesome, I know, but I'm used to seeing that kind of thing,

108. 'cause I'm a doctor.

109. I can't believe Rich actually enrolled in our class.

110. - It means he likes me, right? - Why wouldn't he, Annie?

111. - He is so sweet. - Yeah, sweet and wise.

112. He has lived such a long, full life. How old is he again?

113. 30-something, I'm assuming.

114. He has a landline and uses the word "album."

115. You don't think he's too old for me, do you?

116. By that logic, I wouldn't have a shot with anybody at this table.

117. Speaking of creepy, sober Duncan is worse than drunk Duncan.

118. I think this class is about to get really hard.

119. I have an idea about that.

120. Rich is really smart, and he knows a lot about anthropology.

121. If we were to start studying with him, I think it could help a lot.

122. You know what, though?

123. I just realized, so unfair to so many people. Right?

124. Britta, you always say how it's weird we don't have one Latin in our group.

125. Pierce, you're always looking

126. for someone old enough to find your racism subversive.

127. I could go on and on.

128. It is a process. It takes time.

129. Then I say we gather all the candidates and make an informed,

130. democratic decision.

131. We can have a little mixer

132. and invite the people we're submitting for consideration.

133. - All in favor of tonight? - I am.

134. Thanks. I'm finished.

135. No, I'd say you got about two more good years.

136. Everyone,

137. this is Andre, my ex-husband and boyfriend.

138. He came to spend the day with me.

139. Nice to meet you guys.

140. I've heard a lot about every last one of you.

141. We haven't heard a lot about you or what you've done or with who.

142. I hope you give me a chance to make up for what you haven't heard about me.

143. How about a round of soft serve on me?

144. I've been fed a lot of soft serve by a lot of guys.

145. Sometimes it's rent money, sometimes it's Chili Peppers tickets,

146. and, yeah, I'll admit it, one time it was a gym bag full of nickels,

147. but it never lasts, and they never change.

148. Britta, I'm a grown-ass woman, and I made my decision.

149. - How do you know it's the right one? - Because I'm pregnant, okay?

150. I was going to wait to share my exciting news,

151. but I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you that I am eight weeks along.

152. Which is a little surprising.

153. - Halloween. - What?

154. Nothing.

155. Thanks for coming, fellow Anthropology students.

156. For the first semester, you knew us as "that study group."

157. But, tonight, we want to get to know you.

158. Please forgive the spread.

159. The vending machines haven't been restocked.

160. So help yourselves to tropical Skittles,

161. cigarettes, or mouthwash.

162. And...

163. have a good time.

164. I have to figure out if Shirley did it with her ex-husband

165. the week after Halloween.

166. How are you gonna do that?

167. I got moves.

168. So... bun in the oven.

169. Guess it's no surprise after working on it all this time.

170. I wouldn't quite say working on it. Just kind of happens.

171. Yeah, I do.

172. Especially when the season's right.

173. Dead leaves, pumpkins everywhere...

174. Nature's Viagra. Right?

175. I guess.

176. And then when all the pumpkins just start to rot

177. and all the children have removed their outfits.

178. Because they've already gotten their candy...

179. I'm gonna go talk to some other people, all right?

180. - So? - His mind is like a fortress.

181. Why don't we just tell Shirley, "Hey, look, you slept with Chang"?

182. Let her deal with it.

183. If someone had sex with Chang

184. and they get to not remember that happened,

185. that's a gift from God.

186. - I'm not taking that away from her. - Here's a good reason.

187. You ever find parsley in your teeth that your friends hadn't told you about?

188. Now imagine your teeth are a uterus and that parsley is a half-Chinese baby.

189. Hey, guys.

190. I want you to meet someone.

191. My name is Quendra, and I spell it with a Q-U.

192. She's thinking about taking Anthropology.

193. Maybe she would make an addition or two to our study group.

194. - Something to consider. - Are you Abed?

195. I love Star Wars.

196. - That's Troy. - I love footballs.

197. Jeff, we're dealing with heavier things than your shameless lobbying.

198. Rich brought kettle corn!

199. Kettle corn! That's a fun-time snack.

200. I make it in my garage.

201. I'll take some of that.

202. I spell kettle corn with a Q-U.

203. Well, don't.

204. - What's going on? - It's a mixer.

205. Why is everyone from Anthro class here?

206. Are you guys picking a new study group member?

207. You didn't invite me?

208. - We didn't know how to reach you. - I'm everywhere.

209. - We didn't know how to reach you. - That's a lie.

210. We didn't know how to reach you.

211. It's a mixer.

212. Works every time.

213. $50? What a pig.

214. We should vote.

215. Most people left after we ran out of skittles.

216. It's pretty obvious Rich is the best candidate.

217. Yeah. Looks like he's our guy. I'll be right there.

218. This can't be happening.

219. I agree.

220. - You can't talk and do a slow clap. - You don't know that.

221. But I know this.

222. Unless you want a front row seat to Annie loves Richie,

223. it's time to "Chang" your point of view.

224. It's not even clever. You keep using it as the word change.

225. Okay.

226. Do me a favor.

227. Let me do all the talking and follow my lead.

228. Deal.

229. Do you have brain damage?

230. Rich is also board-certified in pediatrics.

231. Once a month, he flies down to volunteer in the rain forest,

232. fixing children's cleft palates

233. and teaching them acoustic guitar.

234. Other than that, his kettle corn speaks for itself.

235. I couldn't agree more.

236. It looks like this is an open-and-shut case.

237. Did someone say case?

238. Because I haven't made mine yet.

239. What? What's your case?

240. Ben Chang is my case.

241. You can't be serious.

242. Oh, I'm serious, baby.

243. I am yahoo serious. I'm serious FM.

244. Welcome to the world serious of seriousness,

245. sponsored by Honey Nut Serials.

246. - Are you stalling right now? - Stalling?

247. Stalling?

248. No, Annie, in fact, you're gonna wish I was stalling...

249. I just got it. Thank you.

250. I want to say some names to you.

251. Jeffrey Dahmer.

252. Ted Bundy.

253. Rich.

254. What do they have in common?

255. We don't know them very well.

256. What do we know about Ben Chang?

257. - We know he's nuts. - Let him finish!

258. We know he's dangerous, unpredictable, selfish.

259. We know he uses his name to make bad puns.

260. Guilty as changed.

261. When he talks, he over and underemphasizes words

262. seemingly at random.

263. When he eats, he holds his fork

264. like a murderer's knife,

265. gnawing at its skewered payload like a deranged woodland rodent.

266. Bring it home!

267. We know he smells like band-aids, that he dresses like a Cuban cab driver.

268. We know he exhibits, nay, flaunts proudly

269. obvious symptoms of over half a dozen disorders

270. you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy's pets.

271. Feel the heat!

272. We know these things about Ben Chang.

273. And so much more than we ever wanted to know about him.

274. Why?

275. Because it's there.

276. It's on the surface.

277. What you see may be what you don't want,

278. but it's also what you get.

279. Who is this kettle-corn-popping phantom?

280. This human question mark?

281. This number eight scoop of vanilla tapioca

282. with a PHD in being swell

283. and a master's in "everybody loves me"?

284. Who is it?

285. We may never know.

286. I only know one thing.

287. Nobody is this good a person.

288. And nobody can get any worse

289. than this.

290. Who's voting for Chang?

291. For Rich?

292. - What you gonna do, baby? - I don't know.

293. Shirley, this is the best kettle corn I've ever had.

294. If you don't vote for Rich,

295. - I'll shatter your world. - You're gonna what?

296. I'll shatter your world.

297. I heard you. I vote for Chang.

298. - Yes! - Yes! In your face!

299. Chang and Shirley had sex on Halloween.

300. - What? - What?

301. It may be his baby.

302. Pierce!

303. She crossed me.

304. Is that why you were interrogating me about my sexual activity?

305. Chang left me a voice mail on Halloween

306. to say that you two did it. I could hear you in the background.

307. Shirley, what is he talking about?

308. I don't remember that night. Nobody remembers anything.

309. Now I understand these photos.

310. Can I forward these to my bro?

311. I want this man out of here.

312. - Well, you just voted him in, so... - What is wrong with you?

313. Shirley is in crisis. This isn't silly anymore.

314. I don't understand.

315. I don't understand either, but we can work this out.

316. I think that this is a good time to go.

317. Rich!

318. You finally did it, Jeff Winger.

319. You finally hurt this group in a way that'll never heal.

320. Kettle corn!

321. There you are.

322. Can you please explain to me what you've been doing?

323. When a man loves food and beverages very much

324. and they pass through his system,

325. - they make... - I'm not in the mood.

326. Explain your behavior with Rich today.

327. Sorry, not everyone is as in love with Dr. Do-No-Wrong as you are.

328. And don't say it's because I'm jealous.

329. Come on, Jeff!

330. I'm sick of this. One minute, I'm too young to date.

331. The next, you're trying to get rid of guys I like.

332. Either you want me or you don't. What's it gonna be?

333. I wish I could give you an answer that makes sense,

334. but relationships are complicated, and we're in the men's room.

335. Fine.

336. Well, I'm gonna ask Rich out.

337. Nothing complicated about that.

338. - There you are. - I'm in the wrong bathroom?

339. You have to find Andre and talk to him. Shirley is devastated.

340. Since when do you want him back?

341. I don't deny that I'm not a fan of the guy,

342. but I'm a fan of Shirley, and this is what she wants.

343. There you are.

344. Mezzanine?

345. - Nice sweater. - Thanks.

346. My dad gave it to me.

347. Look, I'm not mad at Shirley.

348. You're not?

349. No. I'm mad at myself.

350. If I hadn't left her like I did, none of this would have happened.

351. You ever have something that you didn't truly appreciate

352. until you didn't have it anymore?

353. Keristina.

354. - Old girlfriend? - Almond facial scrub.

355. They only make it in Finland.

356. The old me would have been long gone by now.

357. I didn't think I could ever change, but I'm gonna tell you,

358. the love of a good woman makes anything possible.

359. It looks like I'm gonna be a daddy again.

360. Doesn't matter who the baby's father is. I'm in it for the long haul.

361. And if it's mine,

362. it's gonna be a great football player.

363. And if it's Chang's,

364. we'll go for golf.

365. Annie just texted me. She asked Rich out.

366. - Cool. - He said no.

367. He said she's great but too young.

368. Don't say anything until I've said what I've got to say.

369. I've known you for almost two years now,

370. and I've never taken you as seriously as I should have.

371. You are the strangest,

372. coolest, most genuine person I've ever met,

373. and the thing that scares me about you

374. is how good you make me wish I was.

375. Help me, Rich.

376. Help me become like you.

377. I am so amazing.

378. But I'm not perfect.

379. You are.

380. Give me that power.

381. So I can abuse it.

382. Jeff, you are one funny bunny.

383. You can't just fake being good in order to get away with doing bad things.

384. I completely understand.

385. And do you understand that I still have to try?

386. And if you don't help me,

387. you're a bad person.

388. You got me there, guy.

389. Come on in and dry off.

390. It smells delicious. Are you baking?

391. Yeah, muffin tops.

392. Today, we'll show you how to make kettle corn with Dr. Rich.

393. Rich, how do I get one of those giant spoons?

394. Actually, I carved this one myself

395. after lightning struck an oak tree in my backyard.

396. And then I made my nephew a rocking horse.

397. - That's adorable. - It smells heavenly.

398. What sets your kettle corn apart?

399. Well, it's a secret ingredient... a couple extra pinches of love.

400. You can't beat that.

401. - It feels good. - Not this again.

402. Rich, you know they're doing a fake morning show?

403. There are no cameras.

404. I know.

405. It's just a fun way to start the day.

406. So grab a paddle, partner, and hop on in here.

407. You know what, that does sound...

408. Troy and Abed in the morning