1. Oh.
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2. Oh, my god.
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3. How stupid can I get?
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4. Brr.
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5. Meow.
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6. meow.
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7. Annie, if you're not dying,
I'm gonna murder you.
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8. I had to remove
my night cream.
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9. It's $200 an ounce.
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10. It's 3:00 a.M.
In the fricking morning,
edison.
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11. What gives you the right
to haul us in here?
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12. Chang, how did you
even find out about this?
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13. I have a right to be here.
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14. Hi!
Copy !req
15. Why are you so awake?
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16. I have a theory about this.
Britta may be secretly twins.
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17. No, I was working.
At the bar?
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18. Does that mean
you're drunk?
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19. Uh, could a drunk person
do this?
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20. Hi, everybody.
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21. Jeffrey.
Copy !req
22. Okay, 41 minutes ago,
I received this email
Copy !req
23. From a friend
that interns at kzbc.
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24. The tv station?
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25. No, the unrelated,
totally random
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26. Combination
of those four letters.
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27. Meow.
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28. "subject, heads up.
Copy !req
29. "annie,
still going to greendale?
Copy !req
30. "thought you should know,
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31. "city college
is running a negative ad
Copy !req
32. "about your school at
7:00 a.M.
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33. "heard it's pretty bad."
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34. Let me see that.
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35. City college
is running an attack ad?
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36. That's a first.
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37. They're getting desperate.
Our registration numbers
are trending upward.
Copy !req
38. Because the population
keeps growing
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39. And no one here
ever graduates.
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40. Actually,
our numbers are up
Copy !req
41. Because of improvements
frankie's made.
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42. Those improvements
were only possible
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43. Through your hard work,
annie.
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44. Oh, get a boardroom.
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45. Interesting.
When were you gonna share
the whole truth about this
Copy !req
46. And not just the parts
that suit you?
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47. What?
Copy !req
48. "p.S. I was glad to hear
brenda's doing better"?
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49. Huh? Huh?
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50. Eh...
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51. Just because city college
is scared
Copy !req
52. Doesn't mean
they're not dangerous.
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53. Is there anything
in particular
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54. They could smear us with?
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55. Nothing in particular,
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56. Just overlapping clouds
of many thousands
and thousands of things.
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57. Let's not forget
the brenda factor.
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58. There isn't a brenda factor.
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59. He says she's doing better.
Better than what?
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60. Her thyroid condition.
Can you focus?
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61. Can brenda?
Probably more so now.
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62. Okay,
we need to see
this ad before it airs.
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63. I'm working
on getting us a copy.
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64. I have friends
in the a/v department
at city college.
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65. Ooh-la-la.
The brotherhood of a/v
Copy !req
66. Exists beyond
your petty factionalism.
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67. We serve only video,
the one true queen,
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68. And her faithful consort,
audio.
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69. Could you guys
be bigger nerds?
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70. No, most of us have achieved
our maximum potential.
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71. Well, annie's right.
Copy !req
72. We do have
a situation here.
Copy !req
73. So we will make this
our situation room.
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74. Yes, we need white boards,
cork boards, laptops.
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75. A bunch of clocks
with different times
on them,
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76. A red phone,
a big tabletop map
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77. With little nazi tanks
and or a godzilla.
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78. The ad airs at 7:00 a.M.
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79. That means we have...
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80. 4 hours and 13 minutes
to figure out
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81. What they're throwing at us
and how to respond.
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82. You know,
it's the darnedest thing.
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83. I think britta somehow
crapped in my pants too.
Copy !req
84. better head home.
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85. Jeff, you can't just
leave a situation room.
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86. It's only a situation room
because she called it that.
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87. I mean,
I could declare it a...
Cookie room.
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88. there are no cookies.
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89. There is a situation.
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90. You guys,
where's the greendale spirit?
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91. Where's the pride?
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92. I'm fine.
Found it.
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93. She was wandering
around campus
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94. Without pants.
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95. What's going on
in here?
Situation room.
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96. What's the situation?
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97. Brenda's got a bad thyroid.
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98. I'm sorry to hear that.
You can keep the pants.
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99. I'm going back to bed.
I'm going with him.
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100. I'm gonna watch.
Got it!
Copy !req
101. Downloading it now.
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102. You work hard
to earn your degree,
Copy !req
103. And your school
should work hard to make
that degree valuable.
Copy !req
104. So why is
greendale community college
giving degrees to dogs?
Copy !req
105. In 2001, a staffordshire
terrier mix named ruffles
Copy !req
106. Took up residence
on greendale's campus.
Copy !req
107. By 2008, ruffles had earned
a bachelor's degree.
Copy !req
108. Not a two-year degree,
a four-year degree.
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109. Where will you get
your degree?
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110. If the answer is greendale,
prepare to get boned.
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111. Paid for by city college.
License 264392.
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112. Did we give a degree
to a dog?
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113. Oh, my god.
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114. Oh, my god!
Okay, it's okay.
It's all right.
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115. So this is greendale,
not city college?
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116. I'm gonna get more pants.
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117. They've been calling me in
to do more stuff lately.
It's pretty exciting.
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118. Well, trust me,
we'll be lucky
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119. If we get in
three words before...
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120. The first step
is to pool our facts...
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121. The most important one
being...
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122. Dean pelton, did
greendale community college
Copy !req
123. Give a degree to a dog?
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124. I seem to recall...
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125. No, no way.
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126. There's absolutely no way.
Not that dog.
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127. That dog?
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128. You remember the dog.
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129. Was it enrolled in classes?
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130. Mmm...
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131. How are these
hard questions?
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132. Why are these
the questions you're asking?
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133. You don't want to know
if a dog got a degree here?
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134. It's not important.
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135. What I want to know is,
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136. Did a dog get
a degree here in any way
that can be proven?
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137. Ooh, I like that, jeffrey.
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138. I don't like that.
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139. I like the truth.
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140. Play lawyer
on your own time.
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141. This is my own time.
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142. You wanted me invested?
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143. Well, this dump
cuts my paychecks,
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144. And I've got three hours
to defend it.
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145. So how many seconds of that
should I waste on truth?
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146. Which is an artificial
construct that rarely
holds up in court
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147. And has never changed
the outcome of a fight.
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148. I'm sorry you have
to see him like this.
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149. Well, he is right
about one thing.
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150. If city college
can't support their claim,
it's libel.
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151. We can have the station
pull the ad.
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152. But that is precisely
why the truth does matter.
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153. The brenda paradox.
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154. I found the dog.
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155. I also found
a lot of people's
social security numbers.
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156. You know, this internet's
gone too far.
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157. This says she's registered
as a border terrier.
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158. They said staffordshire
in the commercial.
Isn't that something?
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159. I mean, we've known
this animal 30 seconds,
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160. And she's already
unreliable.
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161. Who is the real ruffles?
I'm sorry.
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162. Our strategy
is to go after the dog?
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163. Our strategy is denial,
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164. Which includes
discrediting the source.
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165. Abed, can you make
one of those attack ads?
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166. Jeff wants me
to make an attack ad.
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167. So why is he a pedophile?
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168. Just demonstrating
the formula.
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169. You can refine your technique
as you go.
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170. I want to know everything
about this ruffles.
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171. She thinks she went
to this school, fine.
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172. But maybe she thinks
cat turds are delicious.
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173. And maybe she barks
just a little bit more
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174. At black mailmen.
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175. And she's spayed now,
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176. But how many puppies
are out there?
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177. If you do this,
we're no better than
city college.
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178. We've never been better
than city college.
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179. We gave a degree to a dog.
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180. Allegedly.
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181. This conversation
is privileged.
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182. I could do a banksy-style
stencil of a dog
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183. And spray-paint it
all over the school.
Copy !req
184. That sounds great,
but first,
Copy !req
185. Why don't you go get
a bunch of coffee,
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186. Drink all of it,
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187. Then go get some more
and bring it back here?
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188. I actually love that idea.
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189. I'll go with her.
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190. She's wearing my pants.
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191. I know this is crazy,
Copy !req
192. But I'm gonna go
check the school records
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193. To see if, you know...
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194. We gave a degree to a dog.
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195. We didn't.
That's good.
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196. You guys go find that truth
you love so much.
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197. If it's the kind we can use,
bring it back.
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198. If not, you know,
stuff gets lost.
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199. No, no, bad!
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200. We are better than
city college.
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201. We always have been,
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202. Which is why I know
Copy !req
203. That we did not give a degree
to a dog.
Copy !req
204. I say we fight fire
with fire.
Copy !req
205. City college
try to embarrass us?
Copy !req
206. We should embarrass them,
right?
Right.
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207. I say I go to city college
with a camera,
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208. Shoot a really gross porno
movie on their campus,
and put it online.
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209. Fine.
Cool.
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210. Wait, what?
Copy !req
211. Honestly,
I couldn't care less if
they gave a dog a degree.
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212. Me neither.
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213. In fact,
I kind of hope they did.
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214. Why is that?
I don't know.
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215. They all treat me
like I'm a joke.
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216. But if a dog got a degree,
Copy !req
217. That means we're all a joke.
Copy !req
218. Whoa...
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219. Natalie is freezing?
Copy !req
220. You know them?
Yeah,
of course I know them.
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221. But how do you?
You're...
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222. Black?
No, old.
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223. Oh, I'm sorry.
I just meant that...
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224. When I was into them,
I was, like, 15.
Copy !req
225. I was, like, 40.
Copy !req
226. I never really
listened to music when
I was growing up.
Copy !req
227. I was in my own world.
Copy !req
228. But one day at work,
I heard this sound.
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229. It was pillar of garbage.
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230. Oh, that is their best song.
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231. Best song.
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232. I got it right here.
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233. Would you play it?
Yeah.
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234. ♪ glide overhead
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235. You know what?
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236. You know, those guys
are gonna need coffee
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237. If they're gonna keep
that dog from having
a degree.
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238. There are things
at stake here.
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239. I get that now.
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240. I found the smell.
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241. Someone filed a taco.
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242. Things that will
otherwise get filed
straight to my thighs.
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243. Hmm.
Copy !req
244. So, I know you agree
with me that we need
to find the truth,
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245. But do you agree
that the truth
won't be horrible?
Copy !req
246. I'm not psychic, annie.
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247. That's an illusion
caused by extreme
preparedness.
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248. But what do you hope
is true?
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249. Oh, god, no,
I never hope.
Copy !req
250. Hope is pouting
in advance.
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251. Hope is faith's
richer, bitchier sister.
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252. Hope is the deformed,
attic-bound
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253. Incest monster offspring
of entitlement and fear.
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254. My life results tripled
the year I gave up hope
Copy !req
255. And every game on my phone
that had anything
to do with farming.
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256. What's true will be true,
annie.
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257. Our job is to deal
with that truth.
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258. You sound
a little like jeff.
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259. Jeff said
I sound like abed.
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260. I wonder if britta thinks
I sound like chang.
Copy !req
261. I assume chang
thinks I sound
Copy !req
262. Like distant explosions
and crying babies.
Copy !req
263. You know he's unstable,
right?
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264. Yep.
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265. Oh.
Copy !req
266. A transcript for ruffles.
Copy !req
267. You think that's our guy?
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268. I do.
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269. Oh, my god.
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270. So many classes.
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271. See what hope does?
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272. Screw you, frankie.
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273. I'm sorry, annie.
Copy !req
274. But I don't think you're
seeing this for what it is.
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275. It's a transcript
for a dog.
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276. A really, really long one.
Copy !req
277. It's proof that jeff
was right.
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278. This school has no value.
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279. Yeah, but this folder
has no degree.
Copy !req
280. Look.
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281. What's that?
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282. Victory.
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283. You know, within
the context of greendale.
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284. Would it be better if we...
No.
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285. Never know until you try.
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286. Never know
until I try.
What?
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287. I said,
"we're quite a team."
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288. Here's the coffee.
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289. Let me know if there's
anything else
I can do to help.
Copy !req
290. We could use some fresh eyes
on this cut.
We could?
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291. Has anyone told you
you're difficult
to work with?
Copy !req
292. Everyone in
your line of work.
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293. This is ruffles.
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294. She'd like you to believe
she's a college graduate
and a good girl,
Copy !req
295. But ruffles is anything but.
Copy !req
296. When ruffles moved
into her neighborhood in 2007,
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297. Dead squirrels went up by 17%.
Copy !req
298. Coincidence?
Ask this bunny.
Copy !req
299. Ruffles stole cookies
from a girl scout,
Copy !req
300. Impersonated a lobster,
Copy !req
301. Has had 27 children
with 5 different fathers,
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302. And according
to one local doctor,
has worms.
Copy !req
303. Ruffles might claim
she doesn't.
Copy !req
304. Ruffles claims
a lot of things.
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305. Maybe that's why ruffles
once spent time on death row.
Copy !req
306. Ruffles, not a lobster,
not a student,
Copy !req
307. Not a good dog.
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308. Paid for by
humanity versus ruffles.
Copy !req
309. I originally
wanted the voiceover
Copy !req
310. To be a james earl jones
impersonator,
Copy !req
311. But the james spader
impersonator
turned out pretty good.
Copy !req
312. I do wish
he'd leave, though.
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313. You really
let that dog have it.
Yeah.
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314. Which I realize
is important now.
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315. Right, is it okay
if I crash on the...
Copy !req
316. Yes.
Yes.
Copy !req
317. What are you doing?
Nothing at all.
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318. I wouldn't say that.
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319. You just put
five huge cans of
olives next to me.
Copy !req
320. Just something
I felt like doing.
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321. This isn't the first time
you've done this.
Copy !req
322. I'm really
confused by this.
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323. Is it code for something?
Copy !req
324. I don't know.
Copy !req
325. And I don't care.
Copy !req
326. Jackpot,
relative to greendale.
Copy !req
327. Oh, my god.
Look at the course load.
Copy !req
328. This dog was an animal.
Copy !req
329. Most of them
were attendance-based.
Copy !req
330. How is this good news?
Copy !req
331. "unpaid library fees, $15.
Copy !req
332. "diploma withheld
until payment remitted."
Copy !req
333. No degree.
Copy !req
334. The commercial's a lie.
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335. I'm gonna call
the station right now
and have them pull the ad.
Copy !req
336. Eat crap, ruffles,
and not just your own.
Copy !req
337. Guys, let it go.
Copy !req
338. What are you
talking about?
Copy !req
339. The sad truth is
that a dog can get
a degree here.
Copy !req
340. Yeah, but the happy truth is,
none did.
Copy !req
341. There's a difference
between truth and honesty.
Copy !req
342. Library dues?
Copy !req
343. Who cares?
Copy !req
344. Ruffles put the work in,
relative to greendale.
Copy !req
345. That city college ad
may be technically a lie,
Copy !req
346. But it's really
dishonest to kill it
on a technicality.
Copy !req
347. And dragging
this dog's name
through the mud?
Copy !req
348. That's worse than dishonest.
That's evil.
Copy !req
349. Evil?
Copy !req
350. I'll cop to silly.
Copy !req
351. Some things are
silly and evil,
Copy !req
352. Like candy cigarettes.
Copy !req
353. And remember when flavor flav
had that reality show?
Copy !req
354. I don't own a tv.
Copy !req
355. Honestly,
Copy !req
356. I think
the most honest thing
we can do right now,
Copy !req
357. The only thing
that will make us
better than city college,
Copy !req
358. Is to let that ad run
and take our lumps.
Copy !req
359. Annie, this started
with me sleeping
Copy !req
360. And getting yelled at
for not helping.
Copy !req
361. If it ends with you
yelling at me for
not sleeping,
Copy !req
362. That's not a story.
Copy !req
363. That's a german art film.
Copy !req
364. Let it go.
I am a female student
Copy !req
365. Being physically
overpowered by
a male teacher!
Copy !req
366. Damn it.
Britta, get her.
Copy !req
367. Frankie, get her.
Copy !req
368. Annie, sweetie,
think about this practically.
Copy !req
369. If being better
than city college
Copy !req
370. Means letting them
destroy us,
Copy !req
371. What is the point?
Copy !req
372. If surviving means
being like them,
Copy !req
373. What's the point?
Copy !req
374. Why not let
one school die
Copy !req
375. And enroll at the one
where my grades matter?
Copy !req
376. If those are your terms,
Copy !req
377. If the price
of that transcript
is you transferring...
Copy !req
378. We accept.
Copy !req
379. Personally,
I hope you're bluffing.
Copy !req
380. Yeah, well,
here's what hope gets you.
Copy !req
381. Hope and $1.49
will get you a candy bar.
Copy !req
382. Buck 79.
Copy !req
383. Are you serious?
Jesus.
Copy !req
384. Have fun with your lying,
Copy !req
385. Cheating... Dog-smearing,
Copy !req
386. Truth-blurring...
Copy !req
387. Trouser-swapping school!
Copy !req
388. I remember
when candy bars
were 50 cents.
Copy !req
389. If someone said,
"hey, I just joined mensa,"
Copy !req
390. Or "I consider myself
a postmodern this or that,"
Copy !req
391. You could say, "yeah,
that and 50 cents
Copy !req
392. "will get you a candy bar,"
Copy !req
393. Or "that and a quarter
will get you a phone call."
Copy !req
394. It was easy to be
unimpressed back then.
Copy !req
395. I mean, it was
literally cheaper.
Copy !req
396. Elroy, we're kind of
bummed out right now.
Copy !req
397. Annie just left.
Copy !req
398. Oh.
Copy !req
399. Were you guys close?
Copy !req
400. Abed, I don't want
to talk right now.
Copy !req
401. Okay.
Copy !req
402. Just so you know,
the greendale ad is
gonna go up anytime now.
Copy !req
403. Thought you might
want to see it.
Copy !req
404. You know I don't
want to be a part of that.
Copy !req
405. Just trust me.
Copy !req
406. This is ruffles.
Copy !req
407. Ruffles was a student
at greendale community
college.
Copy !req
408. She came really close
to getting a degree,
Copy !req
409. Which means two things.
Copy !req
410. She's an exceptional dog,
Copy !req
411. And greendale really needs
to get its together.
Copy !req
412. We're working on it.
Copy !req
413. We're working hard.
And the good news is,
Copy !req
414. When you work hard
at greendale,
Copy !req
415. No matter who
or what you are,
Copy !req
416. It pays off.
Copy !req
417. Right, ruffles?
Copy !req
418. oh, Jesus.
Copy !req
419. Greendale community college,
Copy !req
420. You're already accepted.
Copy !req
421. You guys!
Copy !req
422. I knew you wouldn't
do that to ruffles.
Copy !req
423. You hoped.
Copy !req
424. I hoped, and it worked.
Copy !req
425. Hope points.
Copy !req
426. Hope points.
Copy !req
427. You do understand
that what we did
Copy !req
428. Was also just
the most prudent
tactical move,
Copy !req
429. Getting in front
of the scandal,
letterman-style.
Copy !req
430. Yes, jeff, don't worry.
Copy !req
431. I promise
I'll never mistake you
for having a heart.
Copy !req
432. kiss city college good-bye.
Copy !req
433. I did it.
Copy !req
434. Did what?
That stuff
we talked about.
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435. Man 1: Who are you?
Man 2: I'm the plumber.
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436. Man 1: Why?
Man 2: Here's why.
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437. Oh, my god.
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438. Is this pornography?
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439. Doy.
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440. You're the only actor.
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441. So?
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442. What kind of lens is this?
Who cares?
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443. You might be a genius.
Why did you do this?
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444. What parent is gonna let
their kid go to this school
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445. If a porn got shot there?
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446. But you shot it
in front of a plaster wall.
That could be anywhere.
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447. And you're wearing
your greendale t-shirt.
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448. Okay, genius.
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449. But the title is
"chang does greendale."
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450. Oh, wait.
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451. Re-shoot.
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452. I often think
about that night.
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453. Such a small event,
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454. But ultimately the moment
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455. That would lead me
to becoming oyabun,
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456. Highest leader of the yakuza.
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