1. welcome back to greendale,
now ranked fifth
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2. On colorado's alphabetical
listing of community colleges.
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3. Rest in peace,
fatboy slim's dj school.
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4. This school owes
its continued existence
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5. To the following heroes:
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6. Jeff winger, a teacher
so dedicated to clean energy,
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7. He's already parking
like his car is electric.
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8. Britta perry, currently
raising awareness
of homelessness,
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9. Not that she has a choice.
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10. Abed nadir, who actually
wrote this announcement
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11. For the sake of, as he put it,
catching everyone up.
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12. And annie edison,
who led the effort
to save greendale
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13. From 534 critical
emergencies.
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14. Five hundred
thirty four?
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15. frisbee!
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16. Hey, leonard,
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17. What, are you gonna
bogart the disk all day?
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18. Like... Tears in rain.
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19. What?
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20. I can't believe
a roof collapsed.
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21. We almost killed fat neil!
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22. That was garrett.
See? We're monsters.
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23. Okay, if they blame us
for this, let me
take the heat.
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24. I'd never see the
inside of a cell.
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25. I've been reliving this day
over and over for 1,000 years.
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26. Guys, this is not on us.
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27. That roof was gonna collapse.
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28. 80% of the rubble
was styrofoam.
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29. Speaking of guilt,
where's shirley?
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30. You didn't tell him?
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31. I was waiting
until we were all together.
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32. Abed's not comfortable
with c-h-a-n-g-e.
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33. Hey, screw you.
I can spell.
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34. And screw you.
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35. Is shirley gone?
Did she spin off?
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36. Nobody spins off
in real life, abed.
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37. Shirley went to look
after her dad in atlanta
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38. And ended up taking a job
as a personal chef
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39. To a brilliant but troubled
southern detective.
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40. I told her I'd manage
her sandwich shop
while she's gone.
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41. Oh, that's very
generous of you.
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42. I have a friend in town
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43. Every time you're gonna
need help with that.
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44. She'll be back.
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45. Like troy?
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46. Are any of you
white people
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47. Noticing what's happening
to this group?
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48. Do abed and I
need to be concerned?
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49. You have my word
as leader of the white people
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50. There's no cause for alarm.
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51. Say hello to new shirley!
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52. I'm just kidding.
This is francesca dart.
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53. I have brought her on as an
administrative consultant.
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54. I thought it would be
fun and mandatory
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55. For you to add her
to your little committee.
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56. Why? Because one
roof collapsed?
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57. No. God, god, no!
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58. I'm your friend
bringing you a new friend.
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59. One with training
in not collapsing roofs.
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60. Is she...
Excuse me, ma'am.
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61. Is she above us
or below us?
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62. She is... Whoop!
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63. I'm getting a call here,
and I'll have to take it.
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64. Frankie, why don't you explain
what your role will be
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65. While I leave to
take this call.
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66. My phone is vibrating,
but it is...
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67. In your office,
which you didn't realize
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68. When you started
the fake phone call move.
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69. My phone is in
my pocket, jeffrey.
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70. I'm walking away so I can
get it out and answer it.
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71. Let me know how it goes.
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72. Okay,
I'll just have a seat and...
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73. No!
No. No. No.
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74. Our friend
used to sit there.
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75. she spun off.
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76. I'm sorry.
What about here?
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77. Yeah,
I guess that's okay.
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78. Okay, so I took
an informal survey
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79. To get a sense
of how greendale
is perceived,
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80. And three themes emerged:
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81. Weird, passionate and gross.
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82. Now, you want to hang on
to that grouping.
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83. In marketing, it's what
we call the good belushi.
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84. If I had a magic wand,
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85. I would use it to
make sure greendale
never had to grow up.
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86. I would also probably use it
to cut the magic wand class
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87. That I noticed
is actually offered here,
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88. As well as vcr repair,
a class called "ladders,"
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89. And, "when is it okay
to shake a baby?"
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90. In terms of hierarchy,
I'm a big believer in it.
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91. Someone needs to say,
"I'm in charge,"
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92. And that person is me.
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93. That's my decision.
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94. That doesn't mean
that we don't work together,
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95. But all communication
and decisions
will go through me.
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96. I'll send out an email later
to set up our next meeting.
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97. Awesome.
Great seeing you,
professor.
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98. Yeah, coolios.
Awesome.
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99. Who in the crazy bitch...
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100. Did that just happen?
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101. Did you see her binder?
Ha. Ha!
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102. Pretty nondescript.
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103. She seems
like she may be trouble.
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104. To be fair, she's
an additional "white person,"
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105. Which has clearly
become important here.
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106. No, thank you.
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107. I'm just glad
I was able to answer.
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108. My phone got
lodged in my pocket.
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109. I know.
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110. I guess that is a thing.
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111. So you were saying
about the thing...
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112. The reason you
were calling was...
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113. What were you
talking to me about?
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114. Looks good, tony.
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115. I'm sorry,
I just assume
your name is tony.
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116. Here you go.
I gave you some extra heat.
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117. Aw, man.
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118. Britta,
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119. What is the weekly cost
of this restaurant?
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120. Oh, that's easy.
My dignity.
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121. It seems like
this sandwich counter
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122. Is consuming
your happiness
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123. And converting it
into burnt bread and debt.
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124. So?
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125. Frankie, hi.
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126. Um...
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127. Someone removed all the liquor
from the faculty lounge.
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128. I'm sorry,
I cannot legally protect
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129. Or insure a campus
with free-flowing booze.
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130. Well, I can't teach
with free-flowing sobriety.
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131. is that true?
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132. Do you really think
you're an addict?
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133. No.
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134. Dean!
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135. Hello?
Oh, oh, hey.
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136. Yes, I can talk.
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137. Damn it.
I am available
any time for you.
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138. Frankie.
Frankie, hi.
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139. I had an idea about
how to de-electrify the pool.
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140. Oh, that's already
been dealt with.
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141. Okay, well,
then there's...
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142. Ooh, let's see.
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143. Done, done, deloused,
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144. Appraised, defused, rebuilt,
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145. De-peanut buttered, debunked,
spayed, neutered,
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146. Underway, re-sanctified,
plunged, deported and exhumed.
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147. Thank you.
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148. Oh, this is pretty.
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149. I'm gonna name one
of my sandwiches after her.
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150. My sandwiches suck.
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151. Well, she is
improving greendale.
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152. Yeah, but how much
can you improve greendale
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153. Before it stops
being greendale?
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154. She didn't suffer
for this place.
Mmm-mmm.
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155. She doesn't
understand it.
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156. She's gonna end up messing
with something that...
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157. Abed.
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158. Temporal mutation?
In english, doc.
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159. Simply put,
mr. President,
in 12 hours,
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160. These dinosaurs
will become...
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161. Mind if I sit here?
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162. Time-osaurs.
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163. Go ahead.
I can reshoot.
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164. How's everything going?
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165. I have concerns.
I'd like to hear them.
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166. I'm worried you're not
distinct enough from annie,
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167. Both in terms
of physicality and purpose.
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168. Okay.
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169. I can't determine
if you have
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170. Any specific flaw,
quirk, or point of view
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171. That makes you a creative
addition to the group.
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172. I don't know
what that means,
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173. But I'm writing it down.
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174. My umbrella concern
is that you, as a character,
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175. Represent the end of what
I used to call "our show,"
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176. Which was once an unlikely
family of misfit students
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177. And is now a pretty
loose-knit group
of students and teachers,
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178. None of whom are
taking a class together
in a school which,
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179. As of your arrival,
is becoming
increasingly grounded,
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180. Asking questions like,
"how do any of us
get our money?
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181. "when will we get
our degrees?" and,
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182. "what happened
to that girl I was dating?"
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183. As opposed to questions
I consider more important,
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184. Like, "what is real?
What is sanity?
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185. "is there a god?
Where's that pierce hologram?"
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186. Jeff said last year
he saw a pierce hologram.
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187. None of the rest
of us have ever seen it,
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188. So if there's a
pierce ghost on campus,
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189. I'd like to get
a head start
on busting it.
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190. All right.
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191. This is the first
I've heard that I'm
a character on a show.
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192. I'm excited to be one,
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193. But I agree
I'll be a boring one.
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194. Quirks are not
my strong suit.
Results are.
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195. I love quirky people.
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196. I come from a big family
of people who are
literally insane.
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197. I moved out here
to take care of
one of them,
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198. But I myself am
exceptionally boring,
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199. And I am quite proud
to be that way
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200. Because it allows
me to help
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201. The less boring people
turn quirks into results.
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202. That's the most
interesting take
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203. On not being interesting
that I've ever heard.
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204. As far as what I represent
about your show,
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205. I wouldn't give me or anyone
else that kind of power.
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206. Good shows change,
I assume.
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207. Personally, I don't
own a tv.
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208. You're the first person
to say that
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209. That I didn't immediately
delete from my brain.
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210. Thank you.
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211. Emergency meeting
at shirley's sandwiches
right now.
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212. Everyone freaking out.
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213. New lady is evil.
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214. Crazy frown.
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215. I should go.
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216. Abed, I could really
use someone's help
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217. In learning the
ropes around here.
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218. I'll ask around.
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219. Wearing
that dumb hat.
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220. Running around...
Totally
talking down to you.
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221. She hates you.
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222. I got it from shirley.
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223. What are you guys
doing back here?
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224. Are you the big chill -ing?
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225. Yeah, only there's not
a hippie that died
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226. To make us come together
and complain, it's our school.
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227. Frankie's taking
over the campus.
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228. She canceled ladders.
She's banning substances.
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229. She wants to shut down
shirley's sandwiches.
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230. She called annie a bitch.
She implied I was a bitch.
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231. She implied annie
was a stuck-up bitch
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232. Who thinks she's
better than everyone.
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233. Okay, now you're just...
She was nice to me.
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234. In fact, we kind
of got along.
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235. Abed, are you sure
she wasn't actually
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236. Being sweetly
condescending?
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237. Yep, I learned to
pick up on that one.
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238. I make a movement
that we form a separate,
secret committee.
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239. I second britta's motion,
not movement.
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240. I third annie's number two-ing
of the movement britta made.
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241. Gross.
Our mission:
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242. To preserve the
real greendale,
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243. Oppose frankie or drink,
whatever's easiest.
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244. Are you guys
sure she's bad?
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245. Are you sure you're not
doing what I usually do,
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246. Overreacting to change?
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247. Nobody's ever doing
what you usually do, abed.
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248. You're nuts.
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249. In a good way!
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250. I'm just saying,
leave reality to us.
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251. We always support you.
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252. Don't make it
more dramatic than it is.
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253. It's a blood oath
to defy evil.
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254. You're either in
or you're out.
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255. Can I hang around
if I don't do the oath?
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256. Oh, gee, you mean
just be friends?
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257. Sure, great, abed.
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258. Okay.
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259. Can I have some pretzels?
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260. No.
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261. Those are
secret committee pretzels.
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262. Okay.
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263. Well...
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264. Yes, that was a test.
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265. You guys are bad friends.
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266. Don't think of it
as bad baking,
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267. Think of it as
a crushing blow
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268. To a gender stereotype.
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269. Britta, it might help
if every burnt sandwich
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270. Didn't come with
a self-aware burnt
sandwich bit.
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271. Is that how you're gonna
help increase sales?
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272. Creative notes?
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273. I had that
sign spinner idea.
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274. We're a restaurant
inside a cafeteria, annie.
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275. Our weak point
wasn't traffic.
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276. Flo, alice,
stop fighting.
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277. We can't afford
to lose this place.
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278. If I have to start drinking
in the men's room,
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279. The score in my
head has to change
from trent reznor
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280. To johnny cash
doing trent reznor.
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281. I'm a bartender, annie.
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282. I know a little bit more about
the human side of service.
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283. I can't eat this.
Can I get my money back?
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284. You're human garbage.
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285. Hi, mr. Winger.
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286. Nice lecture yesterday.
Don't patronize me, dave.
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287. It might not seem
like this,
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288. But you're killing a small,
black-owned business.
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289. I'll call it even
for a drink with mr. Winger.
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290. You will?
That's absurd.
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291. Let's see some id.
You snitch, you die.
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292. Morning.
Morning.
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293. Morning.
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294. Well, I guess we'll
wait for the others
before we start.
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295. I don't think they're coming.
What?
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296. The committee had
a meeting last night
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297. And decided you are evil.
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298. Ooh. Wait.
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299. You guys had
a meeting last night?
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300. So we broke up as friends
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301. Because I don't
think you're evil.
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302. I think you scare people
because you live
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303. In the real world
instead of up your butt.
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304. I'm sorry
that happened, abed.
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305. It's like I said
yesterday at lunch,
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306. Drama and conflict
are exciting and easy.
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307. Making a difference
can be pretty boring.
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308. You guys had lunch?
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309. I'd like to try
to live in that world.
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310. I'm a little tired
from all the drama,
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311. The heroes,
the villains,
monsters...
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312. Pokemons.
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313. You're just a person
that sees things
the way they are.
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314. Leprechauns. Scary.
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315. I don't know
if I could be like that,
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316. But I don't think
it makes sense
to be against it.
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317. You guys ever hear of
the slender man?
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318. I'd like to try
to help you,
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319. And if possible,
learn from you.
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320. Are you guys
on reddit, 4chan?
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321. That would be great, abed.
'cause it's awesome.
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322. I think we'd all benefit
if we were more like you.
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323. So what do you say?
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324. Let's order some food.
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325. Let's save greendale.
Let's save greendale.
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326. Tacos!
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327. We are something else.
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328. Abed. Abed.
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329. yeah?
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330. What are you doing?
What do you mean?
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331. Someone told me
you were sweeping,
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332. Straightening clocks.
Why are you cleaning
that sign?
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333. I gave you a list.
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334. Yeah, the list felt
pretty similar visually.
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335. I can't picture a
montage cutting from me
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336. Verifying diane's
invoice to me emailing
confirmation to diane.
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337. Right, but a montage
is what, abed?
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338. It's a movie
apologizing for reality.
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339. And we are where?
Reality.
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340. And what do
people do here?
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341. They email diane.
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342. Abed, if you change
your clothes
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343. One more time today,
you're fired.
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344. Sorry.
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345. Hey, abed.
Hey, todd.
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346. Are annie and
britta around?
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347. No.
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348. Abed.
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349. Maybe you should
order the special.
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350. I'll have the special.
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351. The specials are
kept in the back.
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352. You should...
You should go in the back.
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353. I'd like the special.
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354. Vaporizers? Skittles?
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355. Abed.
Hey, annie.
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356. This place is so conceptual.
It's practical too.
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357. We made enough money
to save shirley's.
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358. And in an ironic way,
because if shirley saw this,
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359. Her soul would die.
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360. Hey, abed,
check this out.
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361. Aw, britta's still
the worst?
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362. Yeah.
A bar gets dirty.
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363. You're gonna need
someone to clean it,
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364. Probably after hours,
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365. And those floor polishers
can get pretty loud.
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366. I'd hate for
someone to hear it.
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367. You blackmailing me?
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368. Just talking shop.
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369. What's the rumpus, abed?
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370. Miller's crossing?
Mmm-hmm.
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371. This is really great.
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372. You guys should be
proud of yourselves.
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373. We missed you.
Have a drink.
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374. Put on an old-timey jacket.
That's okay.
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375. I don't really do
this anymore.
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376. Um, all right, come on.
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377. I said I don't do this, see?
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378. You dirty rat.
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379. You guys are
all dirty rats.
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380. What's your romper room?
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381. All right,
maybe just one drink.
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382. And then maybe cut to
a montage of drinks.
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383. Whoo!
Huzzah!
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384. drinks are good!
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385. Go, go, go!
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386. ow!
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387. Let's never stop
being friends again, ever.
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388. Mmm-hmm, cheers.
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389. We shouldn't have made you
choose between frankie and us.
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390. Oh, she's good
for business.
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391. We're sorry that we
made you choose between...
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392. You're just
repeating what I said.
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393. No, you're repeating
what I said.
Oh, I'm a time traveler?
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394. This is a show!
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395. Abed, I just got
word from diane
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396. That one of your emails
was a little shaky.
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397. Are you okay?
I'm good.
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398. Late night last night.
Yeah?
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399. Yeah, I could use
a little protein.
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400. I'm gonna go get
an early lunch.
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401. You guys know
about tardigrades?
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402. They're these
microscopic creatures
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403. That look like robot bears.
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404. They can survive
in space.
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405. Mmm-hmm.
Get into space,
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406. You dirty tardigrades, see?
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407. And they're everywhere.
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408. There's a lot
of little things
in real life
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409. That are just as cool
as fake stuff.
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410. I learned that
working for frankie.
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411. You guys would like her,
you know.
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412. Yeah.
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413. raid!
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414. Is this what
you guys want?
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415. You want to play cops
and robbers with costumes?
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416. Why is that
guy a carrot?
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417. Because they ran out.
Who tattled?
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418. In what world, britta,
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419. Do you see this
as covert enough
to require tattling?
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420. You built a bar
in a school.
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421. There was lumber involved.
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422. I have been letting you
hole up down here
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423. Because it kept you
contained and satisfied,
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424. Because you are
all compulsively defiant,
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425. But it wasn't enough.
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426. You had to drag
abed back in,
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427. And abed deserves better.
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428. Oh!
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
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429. It finally comes out.
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430. "abed deserves better."
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431. That's been out.
Shut up, leonard.
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432. I once mistook six people
for you at a pharmacy.
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433. It's not
their fault, frankie.
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434. I chose this.
These are my friends.
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435. I hate emailing diane.
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436. She can't commit to a font.
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437. It's pathological,
and so am I.
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438. This is where I belong.
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439. I know you
think that, abed,
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440. But you don't
know any better.
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441. Whoops.
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442. Shut up, leonard.
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443. You are...
You are old,
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444. And you deserve less
because of your age.
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445. I don't...
I don't actually believe that.
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446. I'm just trying to...
I'm trying to...
Copy !req
447. And everybody
here is a fart!
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448. A living fart
from the butt
of a lesser god!
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449. And I'm...
I'm better than this.
Copy !req
450. Cut to everyone on campus
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451. Getting as drunk
as they want montage!
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452. Jeffrey,
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453. Frankie hasn't
come back to work today.
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454. That's terrible.
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455. The insurance company
dropped us.
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456. The school has no insurance.
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457. What was frankie's salary?
A lot.
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458. What were the
insurance premiums?
A lot.
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459. Add those two
numbers together.
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460. That's your new
school dance budget.
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461. Oh. Nice.
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462. Welcome to ladders!
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463. Ladders!
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464. Who wants to see the ladders
professor go higher?
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465. Ladders!
♪ I'm as high as hell
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466. You did it, jeff winger.
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467. This is your school now.
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468. Annie.
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469. It was worth it.
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470. All right, that should
be the extent of
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471. The professor's
medical bills.
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472. What about the lawsuits
from the students?
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473. I think we should
fight those.
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474. Actually, I suggest
you settle out of court.
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475. This is my fault.
Obviously not.
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476. It's my fault.
It's my fault.
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477. Guys, it's my fault.
It's my fault too.
Copy !req
478. It's my fault.
It's my fault.
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479. It's my fault.
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480. It's my fault.
It's my fault.
Copy !req
481. it's my fault.
It's my fault.
Copy !req
482. All right, all right,
all right!
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483. So whose fault wasn't it,
Copy !req
484. And who knows anything about
handling anything like this?
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485. In terms of hierarchy,
I'm a big believer in it.
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486. Someone needs to say,
"I'm in charge,"
Copy !req
487. And that person is me.
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488. That's my decision.
Copy !req
489. Wait, what?
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490. I'm sorry?
Who talks like that?
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491. Why would anyone
hire someone so pompous?
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492. Ms. Dart, word of advice.
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493. Change your personality,
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494. Or start looking for
companies run by
insane people.
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495. Don't hire this woman!
Fifth time's the charm.
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496. He's barged into
four offices screaming,
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497. "don't hire this woman!"
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498. What the hell is going on?
What are you doing here?
Copy !req
499. How did you even find me?
Copy !req
500. I emailed diane.
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501. She knows way too much
about your schedule,
by the way.
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502. Whatever he's offering you,
greendale...
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503. Well, we can't double it.
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504. We probably can't
even match it.
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505. Whatever he's offering you,
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506. Greendale will give you
less and an apology.
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507. Do you know...
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508. It's not enough.
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509. But maybe if you
added more apologies...
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510. Like a montage of them?
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511. We're sorry.
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512. A flyer.
Thanks.
Copy !req
513. Take a look.
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514. Okay, is that clear
to everyone?
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515. I told you I wouldn't
be needing dinner tonight.
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516. I'm guessing
you wouldn't,
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517. Not if you're
looking for this.
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518. How'd you know?
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519. Nobody makes more
crumbs than a cook.
Copy !req
520. Well, the same goes for
clues and detectives.
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521. You're too busy solving
murders to get away
with your own.
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522. Well, then what about
the case of my wife
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523. And my leg, shirley?
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524. Can you solve that one?
Huh, can you?
Copy !req
525. 'cause if you can't,
then I ain't got
nothing to live for.
Copy !req
526. Begging your pardon,
mr. Butcher,
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527. I think the people
on this bayou would disagree.
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528. You rescued a
runaway girl today!
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529. Rescued balls!
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530. I couldn't even rescue
a bulb from a socket.
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531. And you did all the work
today, didn't you?
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532. I'm just a detective
from the swamps of atlanta,
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533. Can't even walk!
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534. Oh, oh, oh!
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535. Then let me be your legs!
Copy !req
536. Let me do for you
what I did today every week
Copy !req
537. Until you find
your wife or your legs.
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538. You are a stubborn
son a bitch, shirley bennett.
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539. Now, come on.
I got a dinner to make.
Copy !req
540. You got cases to solve.
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541. I have a feeling
someone's gonna murder
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542. Some tater tots tonight.
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543. That's no mystery
at all.
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544. Male announcer: Next week,
on the butcher and the baker,
Copy !req
545. When a new detective
on the bayou disappears
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546. And butcher
is the prime suspect,
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547. It's up to shirley
to cook up some answers.
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