1. Jeff,
we've known each other
a long time, right?Copy !req
2. You've come to respect me.Copy !req
3. Sure.
Well, get ready to stop.Copy !req
4. Please help me
seduce brittaCopy !req
5. Now that you've
finished doing it with her.
Please, please...Copy !req
6. Do you even
really like britta?Copy !req
7. It seems like
you like her because
she doesn't like you.Copy !req
8. Have you met the women
that do like me, jeff?Copy !req
9. Neither have I,
but trust me,
they're bad people.Copy !req
10. Fine.
To get near britta,
think like britta.Copy !req
11. Grab one of those
free papers for hippies
on the quad,Copy !req
12. Go to the calendar page,Copy !req
13. And find a cause
so tragic...Copy !req
14. Are you writing this down?Copy !req
15. Okay,
we have confirmation
that all the bonesCopy !req
16. Have been removed
from the football field.Copy !req
17. And we agree that
teachers should getCopy !req
18. A 10-minute head start
at the job fair.Copy !req
19. Any other items?Copy !req
20. It's Friday night.Copy !req
21. What's everybody doing?Copy !req
22. Oh, there's a benefit show
at the forefront theaterCopy !req
23. In riverside
for starving childrenCopy !req
24. With cleft palates.Copy !req
25. Aw.Copy !req
26. I'm gonna crash the premiere
of the kickpuncher rebootCopy !req
27. Dressed like classic
kickpuncher.Copy !req
28. They shouldn't have
redesigned that costume.Copy !req
29. Keep your heads
in the sand if you want.Copy !req
30. Professor duncan,
I didn't know that
cause interested you.Copy !req
31. Well, it's starving children
with cleft palates, britta.Copy !req
32. What part would
you have me be
disinterested in?Copy !req
33. Forefront theater?
Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
34. What time?
I'm going.Copy !req
35. I'm going too.
Me too.Copy !req
36. Kids with cleft palates
should have extra
food, not less.Copy !req
37. I'm in.Copy !req
38. I have dinner plans.Copy !req
39. Yeah, make sure
it's a hearty meal.Copy !req
40. Oh, boo.
Help me out here.Copy !req
41. Um, well, uh...Copy !req
42. Pfft, are you really
the one that needs
help here, winger?Copy !req
43. Yeah, should we
write a check to
the jeff foundation?Copy !req
44. Okay.
Maybe I'll go too.Copy !req
45. Well, it's the
least you can do.Copy !req
46. Yeah,
feels good to help.Copy !req
47. God bless you.Copy !req
48. Cool, so 7:30?Copy !req
49. Did you get it?
I don't think I got it.Copy !req
50. Well,
the ants were people.Copy !req
51. The queen ant
was an oil company.Copy !req
52. Okay, so it was about
our marginalized perceptionsCopy !req
53. As drones being born
into a corporate hive-mind?Copy !req
54. Yeah.
Hmm.Copy !req
55. Wow.Copy !req
56. Mcdonald's?
Oh, I was just
thinking about that.Copy !req
57. Mmm.
Mmm-hmm, hungry.Copy !req
58. (phone rings)
hello?Copy !req
59. Okay, alessandra,
I can't talk right now.Copy !req
60. I just got out of a show.Copy !req
61. Okay, hold on.Copy !req
62. Well?Copy !req
63. Look, if you're gonna
just yell at me, why...Copy !req
64. Why are you doing this?Copy !req
65. This is not happening
to you, okay?Copy !req
66. It's happening to us!Copy !req
67. Well, you called me!Copy !req
68. Well, then let me
be the one to do this!Copy !req
69. Uh, my mother
used to tell a storyCopy !req
70. About how
she killed a chicken.Copy !req
71. Hong kong, 1964.Copy !req
72. So you like
the theatre, ian?Copy !req
73. Oh, are you kidding?Copy !req
74. I spent half my
days at university
in wigs and tights.Copy !req
75. You don't do that without
befriending some actors.Copy !req
76. (laughs)
hmm.Copy !req
77. Oh, my god, michael.Copy !req
78. I know michael
from my anarchist days.Copy !req
79. God, he's gonna
smell the sellout on me.Copy !req
80. Hey. How's it goin'?Copy !req
81. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.Copy !req
82. What's going on?Copy !req
83. I don't like
this "my-kale" guy.Copy !req
84. I don't think
he likes himself,Copy !req
85. Or he'd pronounce it
"michael."Copy !req
86. Isn't she great?
She's everything
I love about america.Copy !req
87. Bold, opinionated,
just past her peak,Copy !req
88. And starting to
realize that she has
to settle for less.Copy !req
89. And the moment she needs
a shoulder to cry on,Copy !req
90. Bam.Copy !req
91. Huh?
The duncan handkerchief.Copy !req
92. Well, I'm out.Copy !req
93. Have fun circling
my former lover,Copy !req
94. Waiting for her to cry.Copy !req
95. I tried to make
that sound good,Copy !req
96. But that's
what you're doin'.Copy !req
97. Eh.
(clinking on glass)Copy !req
98. Uh, you're all heroes tonight
for making a difference,Copy !req
99. But I want to introduce
one of my heroes.Copy !req
100. Britta perry.
Oh.Copy !req
101. She is the bravest,
most passionate activistCopy !req
102. I have ever had
the honor of imitating.Copy !req
103. So, hey,
buy her a drink.Copy !req
104. Anything you
wanna add, britta?Copy !req
105. Oh. Wow,
um, I'm not a hero.Copy !req
106. I'm a high school dropout
and a bartender,Copy !req
107. So don't listen to me.Copy !req
108. Or anyone.Copy !req
109. Just listen to yourself,Copy !req
110. And make sure
you tell yourself the truth.Copy !req
111. Well, it was...
It was great
seeing you, so...Copy !req
112. I might stay
for one drink.Copy !req
113. Why?
I like to drink.Copy !req
114. Oh, really?
Yeah.Copy !req
115. I have a serious problem.Copy !req
116. That had better be true.Copy !req
117. Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.Copy !req
118. I am kickpuncher.Copy !req
119. You are in violation
of future law.Copy !req
120. Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!Copy !req
121. Pew! Pew!Copy !req
122. Oh.
Damn it, come on.Copy !req
123. What are you doing?
What?Copy !req
124. What...
What are you doing?Copy !req
125. Making a costume
for a movie premiere.Copy !req
126. Annie banned glue guns
from the apartmentCopy !req
127. After an incident
so hilarious that
even describing itCopy !req
128. Would narratively eclipse
what's happening here.Copy !req
129. What's happening here?
You and me bonding.Copy !req
130. Check it out.Copy !req
131. Tell me the truth.
If you were a
post-apocalyptic survivor...Copy !req
132. I would raise goats,
hoard cinnamon,
and travel only at night.Copy !req
133. But, please, I have
some work to do here.Copy !req
134. Just one thing.
Watch this.Copy !req
135. Initiate ballistic foam.Copy !req
136. Oops.Copy !req
137. What the hell?
Sorry.Copy !req
138. You just destroyed
five hours of work!Copy !req
139. I'll clean it up.
No, you don't touch it!Copy !req
140. I know
this is bad timing,Copy !req
141. But I should go if
I'm gonna make
the movie, so...Copy !req
142. What are you doing?
Oh.Copy !req
143. Something nobody ever does.Copy !req
144. Teaching you consequences.Copy !req
145. But I have to go.
But you can't.Copy !req
146. Huh, isn't that crazy?Copy !req
147. You ever been grounded?
You ever been punished?Copy !req
148. Do you have any idea
what it feels likeCopy !req
149. To be refused something?Copy !req
150. I know what it
feels like when people
try to control me.Copy !req
151. You should know
it never goes their way.Copy !req
152. Ooh.Copy !req
153. And what "kicky-punch"
movie is that from?Copy !req
154. The ones you've seenCopy !req
155. Or the one I'm gonna
watch you miss?Copy !req
156. I said I was sorry.
(laughs)Copy !req
157. I'm sorry
I punched my landlord,Copy !req
158. But I'm not gettin'
my deposit back.Copy !req
159. That's an example
of you being punishedCopy !req
160. For choosing
to hurt someone.Copy !req
161. I wrecked your papers
by accident.Copy !req
162. You chose to spray
this crap on purposeCopy !req
163. Because you didn't care
what happened.Copy !req
164. You know,
let me tell you something.Copy !req
165. For five years,
I have watched peopleCopy !req
166. Walk around
on your eggshells.Copy !req
167. "oh, abed.
He's so imaginative,
so magical.Copy !req
168. "everybody hide
their hamburgers!Copy !req
169. "if abed sees a hamburger,
we'll all travel in time.Copy !req
170. "let's eat cookies
and ice creamCopy !req
171. "and dress in pajamas
in the middle of the day."Copy !req
172. I watched
my third wife die!Copy !req
173. You think I'm spoiled?
(laughs)Copy !req
174. And you think
I'm spoiled because
it's never occurredCopy !req
175. To anyone to do this?Copy !req
176. You're not the marco polo
of bullying me.Copy !req
177. You're just another
tourist taking pictures
of a great, big wall.Copy !req
178. Oh, you're gonna
make me cry.Copy !req
179. When's the last time someone
physically limited you?Copy !req
180. Oh, just now.Copy !req
181. You physically
ruined my drawings.Copy !req
182. Drawings of what?Copy !req
183. You're an artist?Copy !req
184. I destroyed
something valuable?Copy !req
185. Looked like you
were doodling chickens.Copy !req
186. He is a duck!Copy !req
187. Uh-oh.Copy !req
188. (exhales)
hey!Copy !req
189. You're not allowed in there.Copy !req
190. Well, I just did
a one-man showCopy !req
191. For a little audience
that would beg to disagree.Copy !req
192. Audience?
In there?Copy !req
193. We haven't had a single
person or performanceCopy !req
194. In that theater
since the 1997 fire.Copy !req
195. 24 people died.Copy !req
196. So what have
you guys been up to?Copy !req
197. Well, this.
Raising money.Copy !req
198. Organizing.
Trying to make a difference.Copy !req
199. I'm impressed,
and embarrassed.
I sold out.Copy !req
200. We sold out.
You did not sell out.Copy !req
201. I'm going to
community college
to start a career.Copy !req
202. We're in real estate.Copy !req
203. We own the building
we're standing in.Copy !req
204. Wow.
You guys did sell out!Copy !req
205. I know!
(all laughing)Copy !req
206. I should introduce
myself to her friends.Copy !req
207. I knew it!Copy !req
208. You don't have
a drinking problem!Copy !req
209. You have feelings for britta,
you disgusting monster!Copy !req
210. Fine. Yes.Copy !req
211. Something about
everybody liking her
turns me on.Copy !req
212. Ugh.
It's a problem I have.Copy !req
213. I hated reese's pieces
before et. Ate them, sorry.Copy !req
214. You're a bad friend!Copy !req
215. That's not fair!Copy !req
216. Wait, that's really not fair.
You're a terrible friend.Copy !req
217. She was mine first.Copy !req
218. And it's not like
she belongs to anybody.Copy !req
219. Oh, here we go.Copy !req
220. "love isn't a game,"
say the guys that always win.Copy !req
221. And now, you're going
to go pull a dane cookCopy !req
222. In one of those
three movies he was inCopy !req
223. About dane cook
getting laid by accident.Copy !req
224. Only it's not
a dane cook movie, jeff,Copy !req
225. Because this time,
someone's watching me.Copy !req
226. Your friend,
british jason biggs.Copy !req
227. If you never
call me dane cook again,
I'll stand down.Copy !req
228. For an hour.Copy !req
229. Okay. An hour.Copy !req
230. Are your duck
drawings a secret?Copy !req
231. Is that why you do 'em
when nobody's around?Copy !req
232. Not that it's
any of your business,Copy !req
233. But I am a cartoonist
in my spare time.Copy !req
234. My cartoon's about a duck.
I was drawing him.Copy !req
235. Does the duck have a name?
Does he have powers?Copy !req
236. I'm not pitching to you.Copy !req
237. You're afraid
I won't like it.Copy !req
238. Sure.Copy !req
239. I've been a cab driver,
a soldier, a cop,Copy !req
240. But what terrifies me
the most is the opinionCopy !req
241. Of a manchild
in cardboard pants.Copy !req
242. Kickpuncher was a cop
before he became a cyborg.Copy !req
243. So you were a cop
before you became this.Copy !req
244. And what were
you before this?
Were you normal?Copy !req
245. Or do you act like this
because somebody
stuffed you in a locker?Copy !req
246. Is that the idea?
Other way around.Copy !req
247. What else do you
want to know about me?Copy !req
248. What makes you
stop talking.Copy !req
249. Letting me go.
After you miss your movie.Copy !req
250. Because you
want me to suffer.Copy !req
251. For destroying
your duck cartoons?Copy !req
252. The ones you're ashamed of?Copy !req
253. Uh, which one
were you laughing at?Copy !req
254. No, no, no, no, no!
Stop that!Copy !req
255. You're ghosts!Copy !req
256. We're ghosts?Copy !req
257. The janitor out there
told me you died in 1997.Copy !req
258. Janitor?Copy !req
259. Hey!Copy !req
260. Those guys in there told me
that you're the one
that died in a fireCopy !req
261. And you're a ghost!Copy !req
262. And you just believed 'em?Copy !req
263. You just believed
a bunch of ghosts?Copy !req
264. (gasps)
have you guysCopy !req
265. Seen that billboard
on water street
for consensual perfume?Copy !req
266. The one with the man chasing
the woman through the grassCopy !req
267. And it says,
"proven in its field"?Copy !req
268. Yeah, proven in its fieldCopy !req
269. And in labs on
the eyeballs of rabbits.Copy !req
270. We should make it say that!
Who's got the spray paint?Copy !req
271. No, guys, I'm serious!Copy !req
272. Doug and janet,
you're on lookout.Copy !req
273. Michael works the ladder.
I will banksy that mother!Copy !req
274. Come on, guys, we gotta
start taking risks again.Copy !req
275. Well, that's convenient for
the one with nothing to lose.Copy !req
276. Oh, so the person
with the least wealth has
the least valid argument?Copy !req
277. That's convenient.Copy !req
278. Britta, how many people
have you fed this year
besides yourself?Copy !req
279. Oh, janet...
No, look.Copy !req
280. I've spent enough
time feeling bad.Copy !req
281. (mocking)
fight the power!Copy !req
282. Would you like to go...Copy !req
283. Yeah.
Yeah?Copy !req
284. Oh, my god.Copy !req
285. These are really good.Copy !req
286. It helps me to see
why you were so upset.Copy !req
287. Did I ruin anything
as good as what's in here?Copy !req
288. Ah, just practice drawings.Copy !req
289. I have to practice
drawing the duck
from different angles.Copy !req
290. It's hard when his back's
turned three quarters
because of the beak.Copy !req
291. Well...Copy !req
292. I'm a real jerk
for wrecking it.Copy !req
293. Ah, you didn't do it
on purpose.Copy !req
294. That doesn't
excuse my behavior.Copy !req
295. No, I appreciate that.Copy !req
296. It's a good apology.
You're a good kid.Copy !req
297. All right. Well...Copy !req
298. I can see from
the clock that if I hit
all the green lights...Copy !req
299. I'm sorry,
I can't let you go.Copy !req
300. That'd undercut
the larger lesson.Copy !req
301. Yes, the lesson being
that you're very talented.Copy !req
302. But I have this thing.
I can't walk into a movie...Copy !req
303. You're not
going to the movie.Copy !req
304. Yes, I am.Copy !req
305. You need this.
Let me go!Copy !req
306. This is you learning.Copy !req
307. You're a bad person
and a bad cartoonist.Copy !req
308. You go ahead.
Hurt my feelings.Copy !req
309. Oh! You have feelings, huh?Copy !req
310. Have you considered
putting them into your work?Copy !req
311. Your cartoons are
monuments to joylessness,Copy !req
312. Nervously assembled
jokes based on nothing
from your lifeCopy !req
313. Or anyone's life!Copy !req
314. You're furious at me
for being creativeCopy !req
315. Because you want to
be able to create.Copy !req
316. You have all this rage
and shame and loneliness,Copy !req
317. Which I don't
even know how to feel
much less understand,Copy !req
318. And you decide
to put what on paper?Copy !req
319. A duck. Jim the duck.
You think I'm crazy.Copy !req
320. You think there's
something wrong with me.Copy !req
321. Jim the duck?Copy !req
322. Publishers are interested!Copy !req
323. Oh! Yeah, well,
publishers are stupid.Copy !req
324. Either that or you're
misinterpreting what was
probably a form letter.Copy !req
325. You shut up.
You shut up.Copy !req
326. Now you shut up.
You shut up.Copy !req
327. Oh, are we yelling?
Are we yelling right now?Copy !req
328. Self-centered...
Yelling! I'm yelling!Copy !req
329. Yelling! I'm yelling,
I'm yelling, I'm yelling!Copy !req
330. And you're not talented!
You made me miss my movie!Copy !req
331. You made me miss my movie.Copy !req
332. In the words of your
hacky duck, "what the hell?"Copy !req
333. Do you like music?Copy !req
334. (chuckles)
everyone likes music.Copy !req
335. What are you, a fish?Copy !req
336. I have... Ooh, I tell you
what we could listen to.Copy !req
337. Do you know
rimples and splikket?Copy !req
338. They were the british
laurel and hardy.Copy !req
339. Most of their stuff
is timeless, but you
do need to knowCopy !req
340. That the prime minister
went to oxford,Copy !req
341. Not cambridge,
as the sketch implies.Copy !req
342. Are they speaking english?Copy !req
343. Okay.
'80s german techno it is.Copy !req
344. Do you have any friends?Copy !req
345. I'm sorry?Copy !req
346. I've been defining
myself with reactionsCopy !req
347. To and from other people
my whole life.Copy !req
348. Now I feel worthless
just because I'm worthlessCopy !req
349. In relation to my friends,Copy !req
350. Which means
they're not my friends.Copy !req
351. Who are your friends?Copy !req
352. Well, there's
my neighbor, pat.Copy !req
353. I try to stay
on his good side.
I owe him money.Copy !req
354. Uh, jeff.
I'd call you a friend.Copy !req
355. Well, in fact,
I'd call you a...Copy !req
356. Oh, that's right.Copy !req
357. You and jeff have actually
known each otherCopy !req
358. Longer than anybody,
huh?Copy !req
359. I always forget that.Copy !req
360. I guess 'cause
you guys don't really
act like friends.Copy !req
361. Yeah, I guess not so much.Copy !req
362. Where are we going?Copy !req
363. Well, I think
you should go homeCopy !req
364. Because you're having
an existential crisis,Copy !req
365. And the best lesson
you could take away from itCopy !req
366. Is that you are someone,
even when you're by yourself.Copy !req
367. I think you're right.
Thank you.Copy !req
368. And please don't
take offense at this,Copy !req
369. But thank you
for not hitting on me.Copy !req
370. I was just vulnerable enough
to do something really stupid.Copy !req
371. What's wrong?
Nothing. Nothing.Copy !req
372. It's nothing.
It's the...Copy !req
373. The stupid steering
wheel is on the wrong
side of the car.Copy !req
374. What are you doing here?
I want to show
you something.Copy !req
375. What's this?Copy !req
376. It's a script I wrote
about a cop on the edge.Copy !req
377. Troy thought
it was hilarious.Copy !req
378. I didn't have
the heart to tell him
it wasn't a comedy.Copy !req
379. Why are you
giving this to me?Copy !req
380. I know all the tricks
and tropes of filmmaking,Copy !req
381. But what I'm missing
is what I thinkCopy !req
382. The critics
call "substance,"Copy !req
383. Which is you
more than me.Copy !req
384. You want
to be film partners?Copy !req
385. "it's time for justice.
Police justice."Copy !req
386. Wait, the character's name
is "police justice"?Copy !req
387. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
388. Yeah, I think
I may be able to help.Copy !req
389. I'm sorry
for the stuff I said.Copy !req
390. Me too.Copy !req
391. Sit down.Copy !req
392. You drink scotch?Copy !req
393. No.
You're gonna.Copy !req
394. Hey, handsome.
This stool taken?Copy !req
395. Struck out, huh?Copy !req
396. If that makes
you feel better.Copy !req
397. Or maybe I just
realized that I was
spending the whole nightCopy !req
398. Getting to third base
with the wrong person.Copy !req
399. You're a good friend,Copy !req
400. And I don't say that
often enough.Copy !req
401. That's really nice.Copy !req
402. But you can't
have sex with me.Copy !req
403. How about
we have these drinksCopy !req
404. And then not have sex,
with anyone, together?Copy !req
405. Sounds good.Copy !req
406. (glasses clink)
cheers.Copy !req
407. So a 9-millimeter's actually
better than a 10-millimeter?Copy !req
408. Millimeter don't make
no difference.Copy !req
409. Bullets just kinda kill you.Copy !req
410. "bullets just
kinda kill you."Copy !req
411. Are you quoting something?
Can I use that?Copy !req
412. Yeah.Copy !req
413. You left your handkerchief
at my place last night.Copy !req
414. Ah!
We had a boys' night.Copy !req
415. A bottle of booze,
an argument about sports cars.Copy !req
416. And I cut my hand trying
to prove that I can whittle.Copy !req
417. Me too.Copy !req
418. (laughs)
oh, hey.Copy !req
419. How was your night?
Great.Copy !req
420. I had a monumental evening
by myself.Copy !req
421. Oh!
Oh, almost feel left out.Copy !req
422. Well, we've had our
share of focus lately.Copy !req
423. Mmm-hmm.
Speak for yourself.Copy !req
424. Uh-oh.Copy !req
425. I'm fine.
I just, um...Copy !req
426. Do you guys
believe in ghosts?Copy !req
427. And if you do,
do you believeCopy !req
428. What those ghosts tell you
about other ghosts?Copy !req
429. Chang, you cannot
be on the committeeCopy !req
430. If you're going
to be actively insane.Copy !req
431. I'm not insane.
I swear. I just, um...Copy !req
432. Had a weird experience
at the theater last night.Copy !req
433. You were there?
Yeah, you were there?Copy !req
434. What do you mean?
Of course I was.Copy !req
435. Huh, I guess
we just didn't see you.Copy !req
436. Well,
the ants were people.Copy !req
437. The queen ant
was an oil company.Copy !req
438. What if I don't exist?Copy !req
439. Oh, I got this.Copy !req
440. I had a very similar
night last night.Copy !req
441. Go home,
light some candles,
and take a bath.Copy !req
442. Okay, coolsies.Copy !req
443. (door opens)
hey!Copy !req
444. I was thinking
off-campus lunch.Copy !req
445. What's that tex-mex
place you mentioned?Copy !req
446. Salsa von taco's?
Read my mind!Copy !req
447. Oh.Copy !req
448. Oh!Copy !req
449. No, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
450. No, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
451. Nah.
Oh, okay. Yeah.Copy !req
452. Oh.
No, wha... Let's...Copy !req
453. No.
No, no, no.Copy !req
454. Well, okay.
Ah.Copy !req
455. You... You just...
Eh...Copy !req
456. Ah. Oh, okay.
Ah.Copy !req
457. I... I just don't like
being left behind!Copy !req
458. My father got drunk in pubs
and left me in my room
with nothing!Copy !req
459. So did mine!Copy !req
460. Oh, why would he do that?Copy !req
461. Why do they do that?Copy !req
462. (sobbing)
why?Copy !req
463. Why do they do that?Copy !req
464. I won't go to
that tex-mex place.Copy !req
465. Oh, that's all
I wanted you to say.Copy !req
466. Hmm?
Hmm?Copy !req
467. Did you
get any of that?Copy !req