1. Well, that was
a weird afternoon.Copy !req
2. I guess I knew pierce
was part of a weird,
futuristic cult,Copy !req
3. But I wasn't prepared
for a funeral
with so much beeping.Copy !req
4. Well, let's not judge.Copy !req
5. Everyone has a right
to whatever fake religion
they delusionally choose.Copy !req
6. Abed, you were by the coffin
for a long time.
Are you okay?Copy !req
7. I'm okay.
Although...Copy !req
8. ♪ troy and abed
are in mourning ♪Copy !req
9. Will you guys
please stop doing that?Copy !req
10. I can't believe you did it
during your eulogy.Copy !req
11. So uncomfortable.Copy !req
12. I don't think the audience
got that we were singing
"mourning" with a "u."Copy !req
13. You were singing
"mourning" with a "u"?Copy !req
14. Oh, no.Copy !req
15. I still don't fully understand
the laser lotus theology.Copy !req
16. So pierce's body
is in the coffin,
and we buried it,Copy !req
17. But this energon pod
contains his life...Copy !req
18. Vapor?Copy !req
19. Yeah, it's all right here
in this incredibly persuasive
literature they passed out.Copy !req
20. Once you reach level 16,
you can see
the color blurble.Copy !req
21. Of all the ridiculous
cartoon nonsense.Copy !req
22. If there is a blurble,
the lord keeps it hidden
for a reason.Copy !req
23. What up, n-bombs?Copy !req
24. How was the funeral?
Awesome?Copy !req
25. No, chang, our friend's
funeral was not awesome.Copy !req
26. It was deeply sad.
You know, funeral style.Copy !req
27. Excuse me.
I thought you
guys hated pierce.Copy !req
28. We did not hate pierce.
Craziness.Copy !req
29. All right, are you sure
you guys aren'tCopy !req
30. Just doing the
"respect the dead"
jig-a-lig?Copy !req
31. I think you have us mistaken
for you, chang.Copy !req
32. I don't know.
I definitely remember you
complaining about himCopy !req
33. A lot.Copy !req
34. We complained about him
when he was alive.
This is different.Copy !req
35. Can't believe we'll never
see him again.Copy !req
36. Just a reminder
you gotta live
life to the fullest.Copy !req
37. By the time
pierce was my age,Copy !req
38. He had already been fired
from 15 jobs.Copy !req
39. I've only seen two
police academies.Copy !req
40. The last two.Copy !req
41. Well, he's gone too soon
but won't be soon forgotten.Copy !req
42. I would say you're
quite correct, mr. Winger.Copy !req
43. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
44. My name is mr. Stone.Copy !req
45. That's easy for you to say.Copy !req
46. And for us to say.Copy !req
47. I work for mr. Hawthorne.Copy !req
48. He specified in his will
that no matter
how natural in appearanceCopy !req
49. The circumstances
of his death,Copy !req
50. A private inquest should be
conducted to determine
whether any one of you,Copy !req
51. His former study group,
murdered him.Copy !req
52. (gasps)
what?Copy !req
53. To be cleared,
you must all submit
to a polygraph test.Copy !req
54. Aw, schnizzle.
You guys are in trouble!Copy !req
55. Later.Copy !req
56. Mr. Chang, I presume.Copy !req
57. You're also listed
as a suspect
and requested to participate.Copy !req
58. Fine, but I ask
the questions.Copy !req
59. I'm afraid
I can't allow that.Copy !req
60. All right,
then just the "fine" part.Copy !req
61. (air hissing)
oh! Oh!Copy !req
62. We're losing pierce!
Everyone, quickly!Copy !req
63. Oh!Copy !req
64. (strained)
someone get a balloon.Copy !req
65. ♪ give me some ropeCopy !req
66. ♪ tie me to dreamCopy !req
67. ♪ give me the hopeCopy !req
68. ♪ to run out of steamCopy !req
69. ♪ somebody said
it can be hereCopy !req
70. ♪ we could be roped upCopy !req
71. ♪ tied up,
dead in a yearCopy !req
72. ♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stayCopy !req
73. ♪ one by one,
they all just fade away ♪Copy !req
74. I always wanted
to try a polygraph.Copy !req
75. They're like the pie fight
of cop movies.Copy !req
76. Or the acupuncture
of the legal system.Copy !req
77. I can't believe pierce
would think
we might murder him.Copy !req
78. Yeah, what a waste
of murder.Copy !req
79. I mean, he was, like, 79.Copy !req
80. I don't suppose anyone
wants to knowCopy !req
81. I consider
this a violation.
Mmm-mmm.Copy !req
82. Come on, it's just pierce
being pierce.Copy !req
83. It's his final wish.Copy !req
84. If I had a final wish,
I'd use it to stay alive.Copy !req
85. Let's do it.
How do we begin?Copy !req
86. We're to start
with miss perry.Copy !req
87. State your name.
Britta perry.Copy !req
88. Have you ever had
any thoughts of violence
towards pierce hawthorne?Copy !req
89. No.
Lie.Copy !req
90. I mean, I may have wanted
to slap him now and again,
but I didn't kill him.Copy !req
91. In all your sexual fantasies
about pierce hawthorne,Copy !req
92. None of them involved
his murder?Copy !req
93. What? No.Copy !req
94. But you have had
sexual fantasies
about mr. Hawthorne.Copy !req
95. No! What kind of
question is that?Copy !req
96. I'm asking the questions
just as mr. Hawthorne
wrote them down,Copy !req
97. I assure you.Copy !req
98. Mr. Winger,
state your name.Copy !req
99. Jeffrey winger.Copy !req
100. Are you gay?
No.Copy !req
101. Are you sure you're not gay?
Yes.Copy !req
102. Gay murderer says what.
What?Copy !req
103. He's telling the truth.
I've been instructedCopy !req
104. To point out
that that means you're gay.Copy !req
105. Ms. Bennett.
Hmm?Copy !req
106. State your name.
Shirley bennett.Copy !req
107. Are you a dishonest person?Copy !req
108. No.
She thinks that's true.Copy !req
109. Uh, you could have
just said no.Copy !req
110. I'm watching you
acting scientificCopy !req
111. And then adding
your little two cents
every now and again.Copy !req
112. Huh?
Continue.Copy !req
113. Is it true that you're
a platinum level donorCopy !req
114. With the pro-life organization
prenatalpatriots.Org?Copy !req
115. What?
Keep it cool, girls.Copy !req
116. It's my money.
It's my choice.Copy !req
117. Yeah, well, if I wanted
the government in my uterus,Copy !req
118. I'd fill it with oil
and hispanic voters.Copy !req
119. Keep it frosty, ladies.
Don't let your goats
get gotched.Copy !req
120. Mr. Barnes, state your name.Copy !req
121. Troy barnes.Copy !req
122. D'oh! I meant to say,
"butts carlton."Copy !req
123. He did mean to say,
"butts carlton."Copy !req
124. (snickers)
she said it.Copy !req
125. Mr. Barnes, did you get angry
when mr. Hawthorne told you
fat albert died of diabetes?Copy !req
126. Yes, like any american would.Copy !req
127. Angry enough to murder him?
No.Copy !req
128. Is it true that you
and abed nadirCopy !req
129. Have an elaborate
doomsday escape planCopy !req
130. To be used in the event
of zombie attacks?Copy !req
131. We may have a designated
rendezvous pointCopy !req
132. And a couple of bugout bags
filled with gold coins
and condomsCopy !req
133. Just in case we need to
bargain our way onto a boat.Copy !req
134. The gold coins
are for buying food.Copy !req
135. Does your doomsday plan
account for the welfare
of any of your other friends?Copy !req
136. Pass.
Answer the question.Copy !req
137. No.
Troy! Rude!Copy !req
138. It's a doomsday plan,
not a picnic plan.Copy !req
139. Do you really wanna see
the horrorsCopy !req
140. We might have to endure
just to get on a boat?Copy !req
141. I guess not.
That's a lie.Copy !req
142. Ah!
He's doing it again.Copy !req
143. Pierce is doing it again.Copy !req
144. Mr. Chang, state your name.Copy !req
145. Benjamin franklin chang,
ready to deal out the truth.Copy !req
146. Nothing to hide.
Let's do this.Copy !req
147. Have you ever masturbated
in the study room?Copy !req
148. Mr. Nadir, state your name.
Abed nadir.Copy !req
149. Have you ever 9/11'd anyone?Copy !req
150. Nope.
When you were a child,Copy !req
151. Did you ever kill a squirrel
with a slingshotCopy !req
152. And were surprised
that you felt nothingCopy !req
153. And wondered if
you were capable of
doing it to a human?Copy !req
154. No.Copy !req
155. (sighs)
ooh.Copy !req
156. Do you and troy still actively
use jeff's netflix account
without his permission?Copy !req
157. Wait, what?
You told pierce that?Copy !req
158. You logged in at our place
and never logged out,
so we use it.Copy !req
159. Is that why my review
of the grey
is constantly changing?Copy !req
160. Yes, stop giving it
four stars.Copy !req
161. I like liam neeson!Copy !req
162. Then send him a message about
the roles he chooses.Copy !req
163. Look, this is not the issue!
You're stealing from me!Copy !req
164. And as your roommate,
you're making me
an accomplice.Copy !req
165. I had no idea.
Lie.Copy !req
166. Why would I even try that?Copy !req
167. State your name please, miss.Copy !req
168. Annie edison.Copy !req
169. Miss edison, did you use
your exceptional intelligenceCopy !req
170. And organizational skills
to plot the foolproof murderCopy !req
171. Of pierce hawthorne?Copy !req
172. Aww!
And no.Copy !req
173. Is it true that you
overcharged troy and abed
for their share of the rent?Copy !req
174. (whispers)
pierce!Copy !req
175. Annie?Copy !req
176. Yes, but for a good reason.Copy !req
177. You guys know you're bad
with money.Copy !req
178. I padded your share
of the rent by $10Copy !req
179. And I've been putting it into
a savings accountCopy !req
180. That yields 4%.Copy !req
181. You'll be thanking me
in six yearsCopy !req
182. When you find out
you have $86.Copy !req
183. That's jacket money.Copy !req
184. Oh, did you hear that, abed?Copy !req
185. We've been washing
paper plates and
making our own toothpaste.Copy !req
186. But don't you worry.Copy !req
187. When we have robot bodies
on the moon,Copy !req
188. We can share a free jacket.Copy !req
189. Annie, you should know better
than to horde money.Copy !req
190. That's a stereotype.Copy !req
191. Was that anti-semitism?
No!Copy !req
192. That's sensitivity.Copy !req
193. It's anti-semitic
to do things like thatCopy !req
194. When you know full well
you're jewish.Copy !req
195. Whoa.
We could have bought a tireCopy !req
196. For our tire swing
with that money.Copy !req
197. Or your own netflix account?Copy !req
198. Liam neeson? Not that great.
Your rating system is flawed.Copy !req
199. All right!
(shouting stops)Copy !req
200. Let's begin.Copy !req
201. Wait, wait.
What do you mean, "begin"?Copy !req
202. That completes the calibration
round of questioning.Copy !req
203. We're ready to begin
the formal inquest.Copy !req
204. I think we're ready to end.Copy !req
205. We've humored this
long enough.Copy !req
206. Jeff, it's for pierce.Copy !req
207. Look, respect for the dead
is only a thingCopy !req
208. Because the dead usually
don't do any more damage.Copy !req
209. Ah.
That's true.Copy !req
210. You can quit any time
you like.Copy !req
211. But it should be noted
that mr. Hawthorne's estate
is worth over $20 millionCopy !req
212. And only those cleared
of his murderCopy !req
213. Can receive
their bequeathments.Copy !req
214. I'm only gonna say this once.Copy !req
215. Clearly, pierce is trying
to lure usCopy !req
216. Into a labyrinth
of emotional manipulationCopy !req
217. And strategic instigation.Copy !req
218. And I think we're all
smart enough to knowCopy !req
219. We should quit
while we're not ahead.Copy !req
220. I do believe we should...
Yes, definitely.Copy !req
221. Quit while we're ahead.
Absolutely.Copy !req
222. Right.
They're all lying.Copy !req
223. We all know that,
you judgmental bitch!Copy !req
224. Miss perry, have you ever
eaten at the sandwich shopCopy !req
225. Started by mrs. Bennett
and mr. Hawthorne?Copy !req
226. Yes.Copy !req
227. And what sandwich
would you order from
shirley's sandwiches?Copy !req
228. The only one I can,
the helen of soy with no mayo.Copy !req
229. Helen of soy.
Are you aware that in orderCopy !req
230. To save money,
shirley stopped
using real tofuCopy !req
231. And replaced it with
a midwestern tofu substituteCopy !req
232. Called "meatfu"?Copy !req
233. Oh, my god!
Oh!Copy !req
234. It's still not
actually meat...
Legally.Copy !req
235. You have never respected
anything that I hold sacred!Copy !req
236. I'm sorry!
Shirley, did you knowCopy !req
237. That britta was high
on marijuana at
your son's baptism?Copy !req
238. I'm sorry?Copy !req
239. Well, no higher than usual.
Not true.Copy !req
240. You did drugs in my church?Copy !req
241. No, I did drugs in
the parking lot of
your church.Copy !req
242. How else do you
expect somebodyCopy !req
243. To sit through something
like that?Copy !req
244. At least with a bris there's
an element of suspense.Copy !req
245. Well, next time, I'll have
cheech and chong
do the warm-up!Copy !req
246. Guys, these questions
are obviously designed
to turn us against each other.Copy !req
247. If we want to beat pierce
at his game,Copy !req
248. We have to own up to
our mistakes and
forgive each other.Copy !req
249. Mr. Winger, is it true
that you keep trophies
of your sexual conquests?Copy !req
250. In a church, britta?Copy !req
251. For shame.Copy !req
252. It's where Jesus
gets his mail.Copy !req
253. Answer the question,
adrien grody!Copy !req
254. I know what pierce
is referring to.Copy !req
255. I have a box of
forgotten items in
my apartment.Copy !req
256. I happen to be a single male.
Visitors leave things.Copy !req
257. Is one of your trophies
a pair of
miss perry's panties?Copy !req
258. (gasps)
you told me
a hawk stole them!Copy !req
259. You exploited me
and made me believeCopy !req
260. In a slightly
more magical world.Copy !req
261. If you want to collect
women's underwear,
can't you just buy them?Copy !req
262. They have to be
won in battle.Copy !req
263. Oh!
Blegh! Gross!Copy !req
264. Jeffrey!
Awesome.Copy !req
265. I think we can all agree
that the gross thing hereCopy !req
266. Is that pierce is snooping
through my stuff.Copy !req
267. Not really, abed and I
go through
your stuff all the time.Copy !req
268. Why do you keep bread
in the freezer?Copy !req
269. And why does your bathroom
mirror say, "you're special,"
when you fog it up?Copy !req
270. Look, I don't have
to answer these...Copy !req
271. You took a shower?
Yeah.Copy !req
272. Mr. Barnes.
Okay! I did it!Copy !req
273. Okay?
I killed pierce!Copy !req
274. Lie.
Okay, good.Copy !req
275. Just making sure.Copy !req
276. You and abed nadir
have a specialized,Copy !req
277. Exclusive handshake
that you refuse to doCopy !req
278. With your other friends?Copy !req
279. Absolutely.Copy !req
280. Mr. Barnes, did you invent
that handshake?Copy !req
281. Yes.Copy !req
282. Lie.Copy !req
283. Mr. Mr. Barnes,
are you a subscriberCopy !req
284. To the video blog
"fun for friends"?Copy !req
285. No.
Lie.Copy !req
286. Silence, wench!Copy !req
287. (over phone)
hi, I'm kevin,Copy !req
288. This is kyle,
and here's
a fun handshakeCopy !req
289. You can do
with your best friend.Copy !req
290. All right!
Thanks for watching, guys.Copy !req
291. Don't forget to rate us,
comment, and subscribe.Copy !req
292. Can't look at you right now.Copy !req
293. Then you should know
I'm crying.Copy !req
294. I forgive you,
but only to escape
the established patternCopy !req
295. Of self-righteous
indignationCopy !req
296. Followed by immediate
comeuppance.Copy !req
297. Mr. Nadir.Copy !req
298. Okay, I guess it's
happening anyway.Copy !req
299. You broke my heart.
Continue.Copy !req
300. Is it true that you planted
geo-trafficking devicesCopy !req
301. On everyone in the group
so that you would knowCopy !req
302. Where they are at all times?
Yes.Copy !req
303. Okay, you guys are changing
your faces.
Are you mad at me or hungry?Copy !req
304. You're tracking us?Copy !req
305. We're mad at you, abed.Copy !req
306. Why?
Because we already liveCopy !req
307. In a totalitarian
surveillance state.Copy !req
308. Do you not read
my status updates?Copy !req
309. But I'm not the government.
I'm your friend.Copy !req
310. That's what governments
say, nimrod.Copy !req
311. It's cool.
When one of you
gets kidnapped,Copy !req
312. You'll be glad
you don't have to countCopy !req
313. The bumps on the highway
from the trunk of the car.Copy !req
314. Are those blinking dots us?
Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
315. Well, what's this one
all the way to the side?Copy !req
316. That's where pierce is buried.Copy !req
317. Is that why you were spending
so much time by the coffin?Copy !req
318. I was trying to get it back.
They're expensive.
And he's not moving anymore.Copy !req
319. Abed, where did you plant
these things?Copy !req
320. If you makes you feel
any better, you'll
never find them.Copy !req
321. I know you know it's wrong
to do that without telling us.Copy !req
322. Shame on you!
Okay, I'm ashamed.Copy !req
323. Lie.Copy !req
324. Miss edison, is it true
you once secretly dosedCopy !req
325. The members of
your study groupCopy !req
326. With a pharmaceutical
amphetamine?Copy !req
327. Uh-hmm.Copy !req
328. Oh, uh, yes, kind of.
What?Copy !req
329. It sounds worse on paper
than it was.Copy !req
330. We were cramming
for the anthro final.Copy !req
331. Everyone was falling asleep.Copy !req
332. I put five milligrams
of something-somethingCopy !req
333. In your coffees
and we all got an "a."
done!Copy !req
334. I'm a bad person
for tracking your location,Copy !req
335. But you altered
my brain chemistry?Copy !req
336. I was up for three days
that week.Copy !req
337. I invented an entire language,Copy !req
338. You fliztbarping gitzgorg.Copy !req
339. I'm sorry.
You messed with my brain.Copy !req
340. That's a big deal.
This is a big deal.Copy !req
341. I don't mess
with your brain, annie.Copy !req
342. You kind of do.
I don't think I do.Copy !req
343. What about
her facebook boyfriend?Copy !req
344. What?
That's different.Copy !req
345. You made a profile
for a fake dudeCopy !req
346. And lured her
into an online relationship.Copy !req
347. He's catfishing you.Copy !req
348. You're olympic pole-vaulting
hopeful brent underjaw?Copy !req
349. I noticed whenever you were
in a relationship,Copy !req
350. You hummed a lot and made
pancakes in the morning.Copy !req
351. It wasn't about hurting you.
I did what I did in the name
of breakfast.Copy !req
352. I bore my soul to you!Copy !req
353. I told you about my holding
hands at disneyland fantasy.Copy !req
354. Do you care about people
at all, abed?Copy !req
355. Answer on the polygraph!Copy !req
356. Jeff made me apply
for handicapped parkingCopy !req
357. So he can get a better spot.Copy !req
358. Britta's the one
that invited garrettCopy !req
359. To annie's birthday party!Copy !req
360. Troy won't sit
on a toilet seat after jeff!Copy !req
361. When we're alone,
shirley refers to you guysCopy !req
362. As "those people."Copy !req
363. Oh! When annie's
with other females, dude,Copy !req
364. She calls jeff her uncle!Copy !req
365. Shirley thinks
we're all going to hell!Copy !req
366. You are all going to hell!
Oh, what?Copy !req
367. Guys, stop!Copy !req
368. We have to stop letting
pierce do this to us!Copy !req
369. Mr. Hawthorne hasn't asked
a question in quite
some time, mr. Winger.Copy !req
370. He's right.Copy !req
371. I actually forgot for a second
that pierce was dead.Copy !req
372. Maybe that's what he wanted.Copy !req
373. Or maybe he wanted us
to know we're no better off
without him.Copy !req
374. Or no better than him.Copy !req
375. Hmm.Copy !req
376. He kind of nailed it,
didn't he?Copy !req
377. I didn't just masturbate
in the study room.Copy !req
378. I masturbated everywhere.Copy !req
379. Everywhere!Copy !req
380. Huh.Copy !req
381. Confession is good
for the soul.Copy !req
382. You should try it sometime.Copy !req
383. There's another round
of questions,
if you'd like to continue.Copy !req
384. You want to give us a moment
to sit in our own filthCopy !req
385. Before you heap
another bucket on us?Copy !req
386. It's strange
after all these yearsCopy !req
387. How much we've kept hidden
from each other.Copy !req
388. You'd think by now
we would have learned
to be better people.Copy !req
389. I think we got into this mess
by thinkingCopy !req
390. There was such a thing
as better people.Copy !req
391. Wait.
That's it.Copy !req
392. If we're no better
than pierce,Copy !req
393. And pierce is no worse
than us, then that meansCopy !req
394. Nobody's really that bad.Copy !req
395. So what if we're willing
to sufferCopy !req
396. And inflict pain at the mere
prospect of material reward?Copy !req
397. If we stop now,
that doesn't make us better.Copy !req
398. It just makes us so dishonest
that we would rather be poorCopy !req
399. Than admit we're flawed.Copy !req
400. Pierce admitted he was flawed,
and he died rich.Copy !req
401. Let's celebrate his life
and death in the honest way,Copy !req
402. Not by saying fake nice things
around a casket,Copy !req
403. But by admitting
we're monstersCopy !req
404. And clawing joyfully
for some of his cash.Copy !req
405. So does anybody
have anything left
before we continue?Copy !req
406. Let's empty our tanks of
lies once and for all.Copy !req
407. I'm jeff winger,
and if I had my choice,Copy !req
408. I would rather look
at myself nakedCopy !req
409. Than the women I sleep with.Copy !req
410. I'm the one who hit
jeff's lexus
in the parking lot.Copy !req
411. It wasn't a taco truck,
and it was racist of meCopy !req
412. To improvise
such an ethnically
specific vehicle.Copy !req
413. I only give money
to homeless people
when I'm walking with someone.Copy !req
414. I've never been
to legoland.Copy !req
415. I just wanted you guys
to think I was cool.Copy !req
416. I can be passive-aggressive
sometimes.Copy !req
417. Don't everybody disagree
at once.Copy !req
418. Oh, lord, I did it again.Copy !req
419. When any of you chew gum,
I want to punch you.Copy !req
420. You may as well
have submachine guns
in your mouths.Copy !req
421. It vibrates my skull.Copy !req
422. Everybody clear?
All right.
(all agreeing)Copy !req
423. Mr. Stone, hit us
with your grand finale.Copy !req
424. May it be as brutal
as we deserve.Copy !req
425. Very well.Copy !req
426. Mr. Hawthorne's final round
of questions.Copy !req
427. Britta perry.Copy !req
428. "do you know that you hate
yourself more than you shouldCopy !req
429. "and that your passion
inspired me?"Copy !req
430. No.Copy !req
431. That's true.
She didn't know.Copy !req
432. "to miss perry,
I leave my ipod nanoCopy !req
433. "filled with music
to take life
less seriously by."Copy !req
434. Oh, that's nice.Copy !req
435. "I also leave you
this liquid nitrogen
cooled cylinderCopy !req
436. "of my hyper-virile spermCopy !req
437. "in case your lesbian
lifestyle one day wears outCopy !req
438. "and you wish to raise
an army of geniuses."Copy !req
439. Shirley.
Hmm?Copy !req
440. "did you know that you
are not only a creditCopy !req
441. "to your race and gender,
but to our species,Copy !req
442. "and that I was intimidated
by your strength of characterCopy !req
443. "and business acumen?"
yes.Copy !req
444. "to shirley bennettCopy !req
445. "I leave my spacious
timeshare in florida..."Copy !req
446. Oh!Copy !req
447. "... Where she can take
what's-his-nameCopy !req
448. "and however many children
she has now."Copy !req
449. Uh-huh.Copy !req
450. "I also leave you a cylinder
of my sperm."Copy !req
451. Oh.
Annie edison.Copy !req
452. "did you know that you were
always my favorite?"Copy !req
453. You mentioned it once,
but...Copy !req
454. "I leave you this tiara, which
you once refused to accept.Copy !req
455. "it's the same tiara
I used to wearCopy !req
456. "when my mother
would verbally assault meCopy !req
457. "for not being a little girl.Copy !req
458. "also sperm."Copy !req
459. Jeff winger.
"did you know you're gay?"Copy !req
460. No.
"agree to disagree.Copy !req
461. "to you, I leave this bottle
of fine scotchCopy !req
462. "so that you're less tempted
to drink this cylinderCopy !req
463. "of even finer sperm."Copy !req
464. Abed nadir. "did you know
that you are insaneCopy !req
465. "and nothing that you said
ever made any sense to me?"Copy !req
466. Yep.
Here's your sperm.Copy !req
467. Troy barnes. "did you know
that you possessCopy !req
468. "the greatest gift life
can give.Copy !req
469. "the heart of a hero.
And that it's up to youCopy !req
470. "not to waste it like I did?"Copy !req
471. I think.Copy !req
472. "to troy,
I leave the obligatory sperm."Copy !req
473. Maybe it's because
everyone else got one,Copy !req
474. And because
it's an old man's semen,Copy !req
475. But, um,
I'm kind of disappointed.Copy !req
476. "in addition, I am prepared
to leave troy barnesCopy !req
477. "my remaining shares
in the hawthorne
wipes company,Copy !req
478. "currently valued
at $14.3 million."Copy !req
479. "on one condition.Copy !req
480. "you must first sail my boat,
the childish tycoon,Copy !req
481. "by yourself
around the entire world."Copy !req
482. What?Copy !req
483. Again with the bait
and switch.Copy !req
484. "when I was 23,
my father asked meCopy !req
485. "to do the same thing to earn
my adulthood and his fortune.Copy !req
486. "of course I cheated
and floated off
the coast of belizeCopy !req
487. "for a year doing coke
with john denver.Copy !req
488. "I always regretted it.Copy !req
489. "I'd like to give you a chance
to do what I never did,Copy !req
490. "become your own man."Copy !req
491. Okay, I'm a lawyer, troy.Copy !req
492. It should be possibleCopy !req
493. To contest these conditions
as unreasonable...Copy !req
494. I'll do it.
And pierce can takeCopy !req
495. His mind games
and his sperm
and he can put...Copy !req
496. I'll do it.Copy !req
497. What?Copy !req
498. Troy?Copy !req
499. Pierce was
a crazy old coot, yeah,Copy !req
500. But I think he knew
something about meCopy !req
501. That even I didn't know
until now.Copy !req
502. Because he's offering me
somethingCopy !req
503. I've been searching for
my whole life.Copy !req
504. Millions of dollars.Copy !req
505. And being a man
or whatever he said.Copy !req
506. Jeff, say something.Copy !req
507. I'm speechless.Copy !req
508. Somebody say something!Copy !req
509. Abed?Copy !req
510. Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.Copy !req
511. That's a lie.Copy !req
512. And then that sperm
came down!Copy !req
513. I mean,
I couldn't say anything!Copy !req
514. But oh, my god!
I was gonna explode!Copy !req
515. And then that one,
that last question,Copy !req
516. With all of that nice stuff
out on the table,Copy !req
517. And you guys were
having this discussionCopy !req
518. About whether or not to quit?Copy !req
519. At first, I was like,
"aaaaah!"Copy !req
520. But you did it!Copy !req
521. You did it!
It was amazing!Copy !req
522. You're amazing, man!
You're amazing!Copy !req
523. Guys, this is the best.Copy !req
524. We should do this every week.Copy !req
525. Oh, I'm a fun guy, you know?Copy !req
526. I mean, you talk about lying.Copy !req
527. I was lying the whole time.Copy !req
528. This is who I really am.
This is me.Copy !req
529. This is the real me.
I'm artistic.Copy !req
530. Ideas come to me all the time.Copy !req
531. I have this idea for a movie.Copy !req
532. It's about this guy
who oversees polygraph tests,Copy !req
533. And the biggest obstacle
is how good-looking he is.Copy !req
534. People can't focus
and tell the truth.Copy !req
535. It's unbelievable.Copy !req
536. By the way, uh,Copy !req
537. We never found out
how pierce died.Copy !req
538. Oh, my god.
I can't believe
I didn't tell you yet.Copy !req
539. It was dehydration
from filling up
all of those cylinders.Copy !req
540. I mean, it's how I want to go,
but, hey, I'm a little nutty.Copy !req
541. Mmm!Copy !req
542. Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?Copy !req
543. Shots!Copy !req