1. So according
to the demonologist,Copy !req
2. The gymnasium is clean.Copy !req
3. Jeez, we're running out
of to-do stars.Copy !req
4. Already dealt with.Copy !req
5. It's hard to believe.Copy !req
6. Somewhere along the way,
we started turning
this school around.Copy !req
7. Huh.Copy !req
8. Hmm.
Huh.Copy !req
9. What the hell was that?
What was what?Copy !req
10. That long, quiet lull.
I don't like it.Copy !req
11. It's called contentment,
dude.Copy !req
12. Exactly. We're never content.
Someone's always got to
have a problem.Copy !req
13. I've got a problem.Copy !req
14. I don't like abed's problem
with our lack of problems.Copy !req
15. Ooh.
Oh. Ah, okay.Copy !req
16. I commented on his commentary.Copy !req
17. I just drew a circle
around abed, baby.Copy !req
18. (sweet voice)
I don't think it's niceCopy !req
19. To pigeonhole
people's gimmicks.Copy !req
20. (deep voice)
you hear me, two voice?Copy !req
21. Abed, let us have a moment
of peace and stillness.Copy !req
22. They're kind of rare
around here.Copy !req
23. All I'm saying is,
calm before the storm.Copy !req
24. Says the storm generator.Copy !req
25. All right, fine.
Let's be content.Copy !req
26. Hmm. Hmm.Copy !req
27. (over pa)
attention, students
and faculty of greendale.Copy !req
28. I pressed this button
on accident
but might as well check in.Copy !req
29. How are you?Copy !req
30. Fine.Copy !req
31. Aw, that's nice.
I'm good too.Copy !req
32. I love you guys.Copy !req
33. We love you too.Copy !req
34. The information
you have requested...Copy !req
35. Is on the internet.Copy !req
36. (groaning) oh.Copy !req
37. School board, baby.Copy !req
38. School board guys coming in.Copy !req
39. I would appreciate
some knocking.Copy !req
40. Do you know what goes on
in here?Copy !req
41. Just a heads-up.Copy !req
42. There's an insurance
appraiser coming tomorrow.Copy !req
43. Your ass
is getting appraisedCopy !req
44. Insurance-style.Copy !req
45. What does that mean?Copy !req
46. We hope it means
we find out that
your schoolCopy !req
47. Is very, very valuable
to the city.Copy !req
48. Hey,
how hilarious would that be?Copy !req
49. Are you guys drunk?Copy !req
50. Good luck proving it
before we're not.Copy !req
51. Yeah.Copy !req
52. Male voice:
Papapapaya. Whoa!Copy !req
53. Heh.Copy !req
54. Strawberry.Copy !req
55. Female voice: Too ripe.Copy !req
56. You guys have been doing this
for 30 minutes.Copy !req
57. So what?Copy !req
58. I made all the vegetables
disappear.Copy !req
59. Usually, a lot more than this
happens in 30 minutes
is all I'm saying.Copy !req
60. We're just relaxed and happy.Copy !req
61. I care more about this
than anything I've ever
cared about.Copy !req
62. Best $199 I've ever spent.Copy !req
63. It's three dollars.Copy !req
64. What are you playing?Copy !req
65. That's control software
for some kind of
irrigation equipment.Copy !req
66. It's fun.Copy !req
67. Save greendale committee,
unite.Copy !req
68. Boom.
An insurance appraiser
is coming tomorrowCopy !req
69. To inspect the school,
and if he doesn't
appraise us good,Copy !req
70. The school is doomed,
doomed.Copy !req
71. Call to adventure.
Call to adventure.Copy !req
72. What's an insurance appraiser?Copy !req
73. Something that sounds
normal and boringCopy !req
74. But is actually scary,
like a raised mole
or a turkey deep fryer.Copy !req
75. There's only one man
qualified to appraise
insurance,Copy !req
76. And he died 2,000 years ago
on a cross.Copy !req
77. I've seen
insurance appraisers bleed.Copy !req
78. Their blood's different,
darker.Copy !req
79. Everyone, take a breath.Copy !req
80. You're overreacting
because this school
is addicted to crisis.Copy !req
81. They're like one
of those hurricane
katrina dogsCopy !req
82. That won't let anyone
pet them anymore.Copy !req
83. But the weird thing
we need to get used to
is this:Copy !req
84. The school's in decent shape.Copy !req
85. This doesn't have to be
a big deal.Copy !req
86. I wrote a paper
on those dogs.Copy !req
87. We've worked hard all semester
to save this school.Copy !req
88. Truth is, we did.Copy !req
89. So relax.Copy !req
90. Are you sure, jeffrey?
I promise.Copy !req
91. Jeff's heart is in
the right place,
but he's wrong.Copy !req
92. Greendale is a crazy place
where crazy things happen.
I have a plan.Copy !req
93. We'll pretend our school
has a world renowned
physics department.Copy !req
94. Dean,
start learning swedish.Copy !req
95. I'll do my best!Copy !req
96. Hickey, do you keep in touch
with any unstable criminals
that you busted?Copy !req
97. Mmm, five.Copy !req
98. Get them down here
for costume measurements.Copy !req
99. Annie, we need to make
a particle accelerator
out of kleenex boxes.Copy !req
100. Nope.
Nobody do any of that.Copy !req
101. Abed, outside.Copy !req
102. There is no story.Copy !req
103. Everything's a story, jeff.
Getting out of bed is a story.Copy !req
104. Certainly this is a story.Copy !req
105. I mean, start with
the study room.
We're content.Copy !req
106. I'm concerned.
Skip the fruit-matching stuff.Copy !req
107. Dean enters with
the insurance appraiser story,Copy !req
108. Call, refusal.Copy !req
109. You're literally dragging me
across a thresholdCopy !req
110. Demanding there be no story,
which puts meCopy !req
111. Into a whole new world
that I'm gonna have to
adapt to.Copy !req
112. Well, you have to do it
by yourself, please.Copy !req
113. Okay?
Because if this appraisal
is a story,Copy !req
114. That means we're in trouble,
and we are not in trouble,Copy !req
115. Because if we are...Copy !req
116. No more stories.Copy !req
117. Tada.Copy !req
118. So we'll see you later.Copy !req
119. After no story.Copy !req
120. No story.Copy !req
121. So be it.Copy !req
122. Let the lack of story...Copy !req
123. Hey.Copy !req
124. Oh, put one trap
behind each cabinet.Copy !req
125. Although
I think we're good.Copy !req
126. The cafeteria food killed
most of the roaches anyway.Copy !req
127. Hey, check it out.Copy !req
128. Is this a wedding ring?Copy !req
129. Are you kidding?Copy !req
130. What...Copy !req
131. Aw...Copy !req
132. I lost this
my first week here.Copy !req
133. Oh,
who's the lucky...Copy !req
134. It's my mom's.Copy !req
135. I started wearing it
because... I don't know.Copy !req
136. Everybody dreams
of settling down, right?Copy !req
137. And because it fits.Copy !req
138. She had huge fingers
for a woman,Copy !req
139. Part of what killed her,
really.Copy !req
140. I'm not dreaming
about settling down.Copy !req
141. Well,
maybe you already have.Copy !req
142. You're teaching,
and you like it.
You love greendale.Copy !req
143. No,
I love scotch and myself.Copy !req
144. I tolerate greendale.Copy !req
145. It's a good school.
That's why there's no need
for this to get sentimental.Copy !req
146. This inspection is going to be
the most boring thingCopy !req
147. To happen here
since britta dated troy.Copy !req
148. All right, no story.Copy !req
149. Wait.Copy !req
150. If there's no story,
what am I explaining?Copy !req
151. I'm in a story.Copy !req
152. Okay, think, abed, think.Copy !req
153. How do you shake a story?Copy !req
154. The answerCopy !req
155. Is in the teacher's lounge.Copy !req
156. Here he comes,
here he comes.
Okay.Copy !req
157. Hi, there.
My name is ronald mohammed.Copy !req
158. Go ahead.
I've heard them all.Copy !req
159. The city of greendale
has sent me hereCopy !req
160. To assess this campus' level
of liability.Copy !req
161. Now,
what do I mean by liability?Copy !req
162. Well, the city
defines liabilityCopy !req
163. As any asserted
or non-asserted perturbationCopy !req
164. By any qualifying party.Copy !req
165. What's a party?Copy !req
166. A party is a person
or a group of personsCopy !req
167. Or an event
celebrating a personCopy !req
168. Or a party of persons' birth,
marriage...Copy !req
169. Don't panic, jeffrey.
Hmm?Copy !req
170. I'm fine.Copy !req
171. I'm the only one
who's not panicking.Copy !req
172. Oh, please.
You can lie to yourself,
but don't lie to me.Copy !req
173. But the city defines a dog
as any living entity
with four legs and a tail,Copy !req
174. So raccoons, bears,
mountain lions, miceCopy !req
175. These are all just
different sizes of dog.Copy !req
176. What do I mean by "size"?
I'll tell you a story.Copy !req
177. What's that
supposed to mean?Copy !req
178. I know how much you feel
for the campus, jeff.Copy !req
179. I know how much you feel
in general.Copy !req
180. And I know you think
it's a weakness,Copy !req
181. But believe me,
it's your strength.Copy !req
182. You got something
in your teeth.Copy !req
183. Mmm-hmm, you got something
in your chest.Copy !req
184. 400,000 gallons
of liquefied horse meat.Copy !req
185. Here I come.Copy !req
186. Just...Copy !req
187. "and you shall find
that salt is the taste
"of another man's bread,Copy !req
188. "and hard is the way
up and down
another man's stairs."Copy !req
189. Dante. Let's proceed.Copy !req
190. (shouting) no!
It's always a story.Copy !req
191. Everything is a story.Copy !req
192. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Story feeds on conflict.Copy !req
193. If I stop resisting,
it'll stop being a story.Copy !req
194. No, abed.Copy !req
195. Me with a beard?Copy !req
196. Keep fighting the story.Copy !req
197. Keep fighting it
until it falls apart.Copy !req
198. I'm right.Copy !req
199. I mean I'm wrong.Copy !req
200. I mean I'm right.
I mean I'm wrong.Copy !req
201. I mean I'm right.
I mean I'm wrong.Copy !req
202. I mean I'm right.
I mean I'm wrong.Copy !req
203. Unsubscribe.Copy !req
204. For the final stage
of my appraisal,Copy !req
205. I am going to randomly select
one of your vending machinesCopy !req
206. To see if it can be rocked
using human strengthCopy !req
207. Enough to tip and crush me.Copy !req
208. Now, in the u.S., each year,
six people die this way,Copy !req
209. And five of them
are insurance appraisers,Copy !req
210. So I take this very seriously.
Here we go.Copy !req
211. Okay.Copy !req
212. Whoo!
Sorry we're late.Copy !req
213. Hey, look.
It's ronald mohammed.Copy !req
214. How about that name?
(both laughing)Copy !req
215. All right, ronald,
what's the damage?Copy !req
216. How much is this scampy,
little hole in the earth
gonna cost us this year?Copy !req
217. Well,
your gas leak is repaired,Copy !req
218. All your fire exits
actually lead outside,Copy !req
219. And I am told
that no new speciesCopy !req
220. Have been discovered here
in a week.Copy !req
221. I have to say, I was
brought in here to estimate
greendale's liability,Copy !req
222. But at this point in time,
I'd describe this campus
as an actual property asset.Copy !req
223. This property has value.Copy !req
224. Yeah!
Best news ever!Copy !req
225. This property has value.
It has value.Copy !req
226. That means we can sell it!
We can finally sell it!Copy !req
227. Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.Copy !req
228. Press "stop" on dave matthews.Copy !req
229. What did you just say?Copy !req
230. We can start
courting businessesCopy !req
231. To unload this school
on the private sector.Copy !req
232. What do you mean "unload it"?Copy !req
233. This is a huge chunk
of real estate,Copy !req
234. Which generates
no tax revenue
and takes moneyCopy !req
235. From the education budget.Copy !req
236. That's because it's
a community college.Copy !req
237. Well, excuse us
for taking longerCopy !req
238. To see that was the problem.Copy !req
239. Maybe we're not
as smart as you.Copy !req
240. I mean,
we only went to yale.Copy !req
241. Oh, no, you didn't.Copy !req
242. Yes, I did.
Oh!Copy !req
243. Oh, hey, we should call
t.J. Maxx right away.Copy !req
244. Dude, I told you.
This jacket looks fine.Copy !req
245. No, to talk about
selling this place.Copy !req
246. Oh, right.
Yeah, t.J. Maxx, marshalls.Copy !req
247. What about ben & jerry's?Copy !req
248. Oh, richie,
you're my friend,Copy !req
249. But that is the last thing
you need.Copy !req
250. (sighs)
tough love received, bro.Copy !req
251. I did it.
This school is story-free.Copy !req
252. We can be content now forever.Copy !req
253. Ahhh!Copy !req
254. Let me be one of the six
this year.Copy !req
255. Craig, craig, this vending
machine is not gonna
tip over and crush you.Copy !req
256. Why not?
Why?Copy !req
257. Because we fixed it
when we saved greendale.Copy !req
258. We saved greendale.Copy !req
259. And now they're gonna sell it.Copy !req
260. If I come over there,
there are gonna be
two sounds...Copy !req
261. Me hitting you twice.Copy !req
262. Hello, greendale,
as you know,Copy !req
263. Our school will soon
be replaced by
a sandwich university.Copy !req
264. However, every ending
is also a beginning.Copy !req
265. Sure,
things may look bad now.Copy !req
266. Some of us may have
no idea where we're going
or what to do.Copy !req
267. But...Copy !req
268. Okay, okay,
I should have
written this out.Copy !req
269. I thought I'd be able
to come up with something
on the fly.Copy !req
270. Moving on to phase two:Copy !req
271. The actual saving
of greendale.Copy !req
272. Annie...Copy !req
273. I've generated a few ideas
involving social mediaCopy !req
274. That I think
might do the trick.Copy !req
275. Annie...
You want us to tweet
"save greendale"?Copy !req
276. I'm sorry, annie.
The reason I have 48 followers
is that I don't exploit them.Copy !req
277. They come to me
for atheistic rants and photosCopy !req
278. Of my meals,
not this obnoxiousness.Copy !req
279. We need to make people aware
that greendale exists
and needs help.Copy !req
280. Why?
Because once the internet
knows about something,Copy !req
281. It changes.Copy !req
282. Right.
Just ask chris brown or china.Copy !req
283. Jeff,
you made annie cry.Copy !req
284. Well, if it's any consolation,Copy !req
285. This is the last time
that will ever happen.Copy !req
286. I know
how to save greendale.Copy !req
287. Treasure.
Buried treasure.Copy !req
288. Okay, I'm tapped.Copy !req
289. We all wish we could
do something, annie,Copy !req
290. But I think that concludes
the last meetingCopy !req
291. Of the save greendale
committee,Copy !req
292. The committee that did
its darnedest.Copy !req
293. Wait.Copy !req
294. Are we sure
we can't stop the school
from being sold to subway?Copy !req
295. I'm afraid so, chang.Copy !req
296. Okay,
I just wanted to make sure.Copy !req
297. Haha,
screw you guys.Copy !req
298. It's time to get paid.Copy !req
299. ♪ five dollar foot-longCopy !req
300. Chang just unexpectedly
betrayed the group
for the last time.Copy !req
301. Greendale is going to make
a great subway
sandwich university.Copy !req
302. You know, research
shows most of
your graduatesCopy !req
303. End up working for
our restaurants anyway.Copy !req
304. That's by design.
We're very proud
of our school.Copy !req
305. Proud of subway's school.Copy !req
306. This campus is yours now.Copy !req
307. If you want to dynamite it,
all we ask is that you let us
light the fuse.Copy !req
308. Yeah, we hate this place.Copy !req
309. You just said
you were proud of it.Copy !req
310. Oh, proud of its potential.
Love its potential.Copy !req
311. This will be your office.Copy !req
312. Why?Copy !req
313. Okay,
we'll check in on that later.Copy !req
314. What's the matter, guys?
Can't wait until
greendale's corpse is coldCopy !req
315. Before you put it
on a six inch white bun?Copy !req
316. Young lady,
that's not fair.Copy !req
317. Subway doesn't call
its bread "buns,"
and we don't serve white.Copy !req
318. We serve italian, honey oat,
nine-grain wheat.Copy !req
319. Great, thanks for making
my joke accurate.
Now it's hilarious.Copy !req
320. Classes are over, kids.Copy !req
321. We're helping the dean pack.Copy !req
322. This is still greendale
for two hours.Copy !req
323. Enjoy it.Copy !req
324. Wait.Copy !req
325. You don't call
your bread "buns."
what do you call them?Copy !req
326. Bread.Copy !req
327. Well, bread is a substance.
What do you call the units
of bread you use, "breads"?Copy !req
328. You okay?
I just wish we had more time.Copy !req
329. I could turn things around.
I swear.Copy !req
330. Look, I got
one of these label things.Copy !req
331. It makes custom labels.Copy !req
332. This was gonna help me
get organized. (sobs)Copy !req
333. Aw.Copy !req
334. Where should we start?
Should we pack up
these pictures?Copy !req
335. They're not really mine.Copy !req
336. They're greendale history.Copy !req
337. Here's our 1987
civil rights March.Copy !req
338. This was when we started
offering photoshop classes.Copy !req
339. And that's russell borchert.Copy !req
340. Oh.Copy !req
341. "borchert, borchert,
loved computers"Copy !req
342. Yes, yes,
"more than women's butts
or hooters."Copy !req
343. Very mature,
you two.Copy !req
344. Was there any truth
to that legend?Copy !req
345. The legend that
a greendale computer professorCopy !req
346. Made love to a computerCopy !req
347. And died of the first
computer virus? Sure.Copy !req
348. The truth is, greendale
had a computer professor.Copy !req
349. By the way,
he was a millionaire
and a genius.Copy !req
350. He has sex with one computer,
and that's his legacy?Copy !req
351. So after all my work,
how will I be remembered?Copy !req
352. The bald dean with glasses,
I guess.Copy !req
353. Are you aware
there's an engraved plate
on this frameCopy !req
354. That says "the truth is
behind this picture"?Copy !req
355. Of course I'm aware, abed.
I'm not an idiot.Copy !req
356. (gasps)
whoa, wait.
It meant literally?Copy !req
357. What is it?Copy !req
358. I understand you were teaching
fundamentals of law here.
Yeah.Copy !req
359. Think you could
make the transition
to teaching sandwich law?Copy !req
360. It's essentially the same,
I'm sure,Copy !req
361. Just a bit more focused.Copy !req
362. Here.Copy !req
363. That's a subway black card.Copy !req
364. It entitles you
to five dollar foot-longs
for life.Copy !req
365. For life, mr. Winger,
for life.Copy !req
366. Hey.
Hey.Copy !req
367. So...Copy !req
368. What are you going to do?Copy !req
369. I'm thinking I'm gonna
transfer to city college,Copy !req
370. But I'm knowing
I'm gonna be a bartender.Copy !req
371. (chuckles)
you?Copy !req
372. Subway offered me a job.Copy !req
373. Nice.Copy !req
374. I'm worried about
abed and annie.Copy !req
375. They're not ready
for this to end.Copy !req
376. Yeah, they're part
of the adulthood
begins at 30 generation.Copy !req
377. I'm... I'm actually
looking forward
to a little bit of...Copy !req
378. Sanity?
Yes, sanity.Copy !req
379. Yeah, I mean, it's over,
but on the other hand,Copy !req
380. It's over.Copy !req
381. Amen.Copy !req
382. And to think this all started
because you wanted to...Copy !req
383. Nail you.Copy !req
384. (chuckles) yeah,
I regret nothing.Copy !req
385. Don't.Copy !req
386. I mean, after everything
that has happened here,Copy !req
387. What did either of us
really get done
aside from each other?Copy !req
388. Exactly, and what are either
of us gonna be leaving with?Copy !req
389. Um, I should go clean out
my locker,Copy !req
390. She said at the age of 33.Copy !req
391. Let's get married.Copy !req
392. What?
Yeah, right?Copy !req
393. I mean,
this is what matters,
isn't it?Copy !req
394. This is what keeps this all
from being pointless.Copy !req
395. Let's do what people do.Copy !req
396. Let's get a house
we can't affordCopy !req
397. And a dog that makes us angry.Copy !req
398. And dedicate an entire cabinet
to grocery bagsCopy !req
399. And realize we have
a favorite brand of olive oil?Copy !req
400. Yes, marry me.Copy !req
401. Okay, yeah.Copy !req
402. Yeah, uh, yeah,
this feels right.Copy !req
403. Let's get out of here
and never look back.Copy !req
404. Yeah, but first,
let's lock these doorsCopy !req
405. And pull these shades.Copy !req
406. We've never had sex
on the new table.Copy !req
407. Yes,
two for two.Copy !req
408. Medium roughness,
high tempo?Copy !req
409. Let's make it
a number eight.Copy !req
410. Buried treasure!
Whoo!Copy !req
411. Buried treasure!Copy !req
412. Lock the doors.
Close the blinds.Copy !req
413. We could save greendale, jeff.Copy !req
414. There may be treasure
on campus.Copy !req
415. Hidden, buried treasure.Copy !req
416. Treasure!Copy !req
417. We need to call
an emergency meetingCopy !req
418. Somewhere safe where no one
can hear or see,Copy !req
419. Because we have to
keep this a secret,Copy !req
420. Because it's a buried...Copy !req
421. Treasure!Copy !req
422. Buried treasure!Copy !req
423. ♪ buried treasure,
buried treasureCopy !req
424. Interesting.Copy !req
425. Emergency meeting.Copy !req
426. And that's how I ended up
at greendale.Copy !req
427. Isn't it strange how it took
this school shutting downCopy !req
428. For you and I to finally
get to know each other?Copy !req
429. So what's up next for you?Copy !req
430. Don't know, maybe go stay
with family in lincolnshire.Copy !req
431. Lincolnshire?
Yeah.Copy !req
432. Where in lincolnshire?Copy !req
433. Just a little town
called scunthorpe.Copy !req
434. Scunthorpe?
I was stationed
around scunthorpe.Copy !req
435. No.
Oh, wait, wait.Copy !req
436. ♪ for a piss and a thrush
in scunthorpeCopy !req
437. I love that.Copy !req
438. Oh, where in god's name
did you learn that song?Copy !req
439. Stainsbury pub.Copy !req
440. My family practically
lived in stainsbury's.Copy !req
441. I lost my virginity
at stainsbury's.Copy !req
442. My mother was
a stainsbury whore.Copy !req
443. Mine was missing a thumb.Copy !req
444. Oh, my god.Copy !req
445. Two thumbs, yeah,
she got both.
Two thumbs.Copy !req
446. I mean, you may have
slept with my aunt,Copy !req
447. But given the circumstances,
cheers.Copy !req
448. Cheers, yeah.
Yeah.Copy !req
449. Mmm, so you're gonnaCopy !req
450. Stay with your family
till you get your bearings?Copy !req
451. I've got a cousin, clive,
who's got a spare room.Copy !req
452. You and he would really
get along, actually.Copy !req
453. Really?
Yeah.Copy !req
454. Did you get any of that?Copy !req