1. cobra, cobra, cobra,
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2. Cobra, cobra, cobra, cobra,
cobra, cobra, cobra, cobra.
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3. Cobra!
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4. Destroy the taj mahal.
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5. Cobra!
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6. Not if g.I. Joe
can help it.
Copy !req
7. Roadblock, deep six.
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8. Hold off those h.I.S.S. Tanks.
Yo, joe!
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9. Hat muffs, spit take,
shoot down those rattlers.
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10. Um, excuse me, sir.
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11. Why is cobra attacking
a tourist attraction
with zero tactical value,
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12. And with all due respect
to india,
why are we defending it?
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13. Tight ship,
you can overhaul g.I. Joe
when you're commander.
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14. Which will clearly happen
any day now,
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15. As long as your
stay on full display.
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16. Whoa, buzzkill, language.
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17. No, you can't have
ice cream for lunch.
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18. Put your brother
on the phone.
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19. Three kids,
put down that phone.
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20. We're in the middle
of a battle.
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21. Oh, screw you, flint.
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22. I'm in a battle called
having three kids.
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23. Guys, we're a squad.
You're making me look bad.
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24. Well, if you're so great,
wingman,
show us how it's done.
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25. With pleasure.
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26. We'll meet again,
g.I. Joe.
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27. Good shooting, wingman,
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28. But it looks like destro's
getting away.
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29. Not necessarily, sir.
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30. Jeez!
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31. What? Oh, no.
What are you doing? Hey!
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32. Are you crazy?
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33. Yo, joe!
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34. What?
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35. What, we're
we're not saying it together?
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36. Yo, joe!
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37. Male announcer:
G.I. Joe is the code name
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38. For america's daring,
awesomely trained,
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39. Awesome mission force.
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40. Its purpose to fight cobra,
Copy !req
41. Because they're terrorists.
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42. Look, I think
I'm over-explaining it.
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43. The bad guys are snakes,
and the good guys
are army people.
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44. Wingman, three kids,
buzzkill, tight ship,
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45. You stand accused
of violence,
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46. Suggestive language,
and mature situations
unbecoming of g.I. Joe.
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47. What say you?
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48. Look, I understand
this is the first time
Copy !req
49. A g.I. Joe has killed anyone
in all of recorded history.
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50. However...
However, let's be truthful.
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51. This is a very
disorganized militia.
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52. Yeah, what's anyone's rank?
We're all just dressed like
serial killers and strippers.
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53. I have three kids.
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54. You guys are not helping.
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55. Duke, flint, scarlett,
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56. Yes, it's true
I killed destro.
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57. And I promise
not to do it again.
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58. But is it really a crime?
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59. Is cobra not a ruthless
terrorist organization
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60. Determined to rule
the world?
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61. And if we never kill them,
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62. Are we not basically
on their side?
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63. And won't this war
therefore last forever
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64. Unless we finish
killing cobra
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65. Or start killing ourselves?
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66. How long are we in here,
cold shoulder?
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67. Cold shoulder?
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68. What's with that guy?
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69. "start killing cobra
or killing ourselves"?
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70. We were in the fourth down.
It was a hail mary.
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71. This place is a graveyard
for g.I. Joe rejects.
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72. Look who's in here.
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73. Deep dish, shark arms,
weird head, home free,
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74. Placeholder,
sleep apnea, and us!
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75. I have three kids.
This is the worst day
of my life.
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76. Is it life?
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77. My name is fourth wall.
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78. And I believe
that what we perceive as life
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79. Is actually a syndicated
children's cartoon.
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80. What?
Shut up, fourth wall.
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81. If this were a cartoon,
there'd be a word
for "cartoon"
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82. In our language,
which there isn't.
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83. There'd also be less
movement, less detail,
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84. And constant
lip-sync mistakes.
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85. What if I told you
there was more,
a higher reality,
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86. With more than 65 colors
and at least three dimensions?
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87. Then I guess someone
would have to lock you up
with the crazy people.
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88. Oh, good.
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89. I recently infiltrated
a secret cobra dig site,
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90. Code name - greendale.
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91. What did you say?
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92. Cobra has discovered
an ancient buried structure
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93. Filled with strange things.
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94. Look.
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95. Oh, yeah, look at that.
It's a child's toy.
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96. The toy was more real
than this at greendale.
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97. ow, oof.
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98. What is that word?
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99. greendale?
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100. Cobra's out
to take over the world,
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101. But g.I. Joe is there.
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102. G.I. Joe must be destroyed.
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103. Cobra h.I.S.S.
Coming for attack!
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104. It's the new
g.I. Joe submachopter,
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105. Piloted by wingman.
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106. Boy 1: Retreat!
Boy 2: Yo, joe!
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107. We are in a toy commercial!
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108. Boy 3: I can't hear you
when you're covered in rocks.
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109. Boy 1: It doesn't hurt
because it isn't real.
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110. Boy 2: Good job, wingman.
Boy 1: Thank you, duke.
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111. G.I. Joe
is my entire life.
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112. Yo, joe!
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113. All other figures
and vehicles sold separately.
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114. Wingman, what happened?
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115. I don't know.
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116. He clearly has a connection
to the non-cartoon reality.
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117. When I mentioned greenda...
Shut up.
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118. Stop saying that word.
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119. You're some kind
of demon man.
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120. And... And your outfit is
three layers of racist.
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121. Oh, my god,
he's having an attack.
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122. Jeff, can you hear us?
It's annie.
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123. What did you just call me?
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124. Jeffrey, do you know
where you are?
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125. Be quiet.
Leave me alone.
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126. I... I don't belong here.
I belong in g.I. Joe.
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127. Ow! And don't touch me.
Who wears a saw on their arm?
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128. Cobra commander:
The first time I met destro,
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129. He asked me
if he should have
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130. His entire head
coated in chrome.
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131. I said, "no.
How would you do that?"
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132. how would that even work?
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133. Look, I'm not good
at eulogies
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134. Because I've never
had to give one.
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135. All I want to know is,
how did g.I. Joe do this?
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136. We've been shooting
at each other and missing
for 20 years.
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137. Now all of a sudden...
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138. Unbelievable.
What?
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139. Cobra commander,
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140. It's vice cobra
assistant commander.
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141. We just got a very interesting
energy surge
at the greendale site.
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142. Oh, okay.
That's super fascinating.
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143. Um, destro's dead!
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144. Oh, my gosh, destro?
Were you guys close?
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145. Were we close?
Yes!
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146. What kind of a question is...
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147. Okay, fine.
I loved him!
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148. Is that what you want
to hear?
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149. Called it.
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150. And we are going to find out
how this happened,
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151. And g.I. Joe
is going to paybra!
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152. I riffed that.
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153. No wrong answers.
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154. It's a condition that
comes on when you get
to a certain weight.
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155. Oh, I see.
So is there a
mr. Tight ship, or...
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156. Um...
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157. Tight ship:
That's a code three.
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158. Cobra forces are
infiltrating the base.
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159. Cobra!
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160. Avenge my totally
platonic friend!
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161. Oh, great, and
we're stuck in here.
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162. Deep dish:
We don't have to be.
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163. For 15 years, I have used
my trademark tablespoon
to excavate a tunnel,
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164. Swallowing handfuls
of dirt and rock
with my meals
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165. And listening only
to smash mouth
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166. In order to justify
this poster.
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167. Now I am within inches
of reaching the...
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168. Come on, if we
help save the base,
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169. Maybe they'll let us
be g.I. Joes again.
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170. Battle stations!
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171. Snakes at 6 o' clock.
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172. Okay, now remember,
don't kill anybody.
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173. Just lay down
a suppressive fire,
like this.
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174. Oh, sorry.
Sorry! Oh, my gosh!
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175. Oh, god.
Oh, man.
Oh, darn it.
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176. Yeah, I'd say
they're suppressed.
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177. Jeez.
Aw, was that a lifeline?
Sorry!
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178. Someone's killing people.
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179. It's wingman!
He's escaped!
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180. Lay down a
suppressive fire!
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181. They're suppressive
firing at us!
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182. I think we'll be okay.
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183. Remember, this is all
just a cartoon about
action figures for kids.
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184. Shut up, fourth wall,
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185. Get into the new
g.I. Joe submachopter
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186. With twin rocket launchers
and rotating attack jet.
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187. All I want to do is
be a good g.I. Joe.
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188. What's wrong with me?
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189. I'm not sure, but
I think our answers
will be at greendale.
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190. Ugh.
Fourth wall:
greendale.
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191. Fourth wall:
Whoops.
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192. Shouldn't somebody
be flying the plane?
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193. Fourth wall:
It's submachopter.
Whatever.
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194. Three kids:
Will somebody
grab the stick?
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195. I don't wanna die
up here! Oh, lord!
Copy !req
196. The g.I. Joe
mutineers are even worse
than cobra,
Copy !req
197. Because they're traitors.
Buzzkill...
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198. All government is a lie.
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199. Tightship...
I control everything,
or else!
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200. Three kids...
My family comes first.
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201. Fourth wall...
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202. Doesn't this guy
also do the voice
for he-man commercials?
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203. And their nefarious,
ruthless leader, wingman.
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204. Hey, that's not true!
I love g.I. Joe!
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205. I don't know, man.
Seems like you hate it.
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206. This is all
a misunderstanding.
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207. Tell it to the judge.
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208. Everything is sold separately.
Assembly required.
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209. Nothing is happening.
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210. Cartoon coffee?
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211. Tightship is piloting
the submachopter.
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212. At first it was buzzkill, but
she almost crashed five times,
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213. And when we pointed it out,
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214. She called us sexist
and went to the bathroom.
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215. Three kids:
You know she's smoking
in there, right?
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216. She broke the detector.
That's a federal crime.
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217. I keep having
these visions.
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218. Kids, little boys.
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219. Uh, are these visions
we should share
with the authorities?
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220. I want to go to this
greendale place now.
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221. We're on our way.
Do you remember
greendale, jeffrey?
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222. Why did you call me that?
What's with you people?
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223. What do you mean,
"you people"?
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224. Oh!
Nice.
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225. Cobra soldier:
Sector three, all clear.
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226. That's the entrance
to the excavation site.
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227. How do we get past
those guards?
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228. I think I got an idea.
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229. Your idea was doing
exactly what we did
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230. To those other guards
back at headquarters?
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231. It was proven effective.
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232. I don't know,
seems kind of cheap.
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233. From an animated perspective,
very cheap.
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234. Help me club
this hatch open.
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235. I know this place.
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236. It's filling me
with a sense of
endless hours
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237. For unfair wages and
printers that never
have toner.
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238. Cobra assistant commander:
What is this, major dick?
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239. That is a request
for hazard pay.
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240. Maybe you haven't heard,
but we can actually
die now.
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241. You know we can't
afford this.
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242. Oh, so we can afford
to create a new model
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243. Of weaponized vehicle
once a week,
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244. But we basically
get minimum wage
to risk our lives.
Copy !req
245. Well, welcome to
cobra, ximxam.
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246. Maybe you noticed
our logo was a snake?
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247. Suck it up, guys!
And while I have
your attention, here.
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248. What is this?
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249. We have to lower the salaries.
Our insurance is going up.
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250. No way.
What?
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251. Hey, you people
can actually die now.
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252. It affects the health plan.
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253. vice cobra
assistant commander,
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254. We've been infiltrated
by joes!
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255. Well?
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256. Protect me!
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257. Cobra assistant commander:
(on pa) hello, greendale.
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258. I understand g.I. Joe
has breached the perimeter.
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259. Please eliminate them.
And please don't forget this
Saturday is the cobra fun run.
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260. If you miss it, you're letting
the anti-terrorists win.
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261. Ugh, overkill.
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262. Yes, it's me.
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263. But which me
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264. Is the real me?
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265. Probably the one
in the middle.
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266. The middle, right?
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267. Ahhh! Ow, my leg!
Ow!
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268. Now, before you
fight me, g.I. Joe,
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269. You should be warned.
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270. I, ximxam, have a twin
brother named mixmax
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271. That feels all my pain.
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272. And how is that
supposed to affect us?
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273. Psychologically?
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274. Ahhh!
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275. Today's soup is
a carrot puree
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276. With a... Ow!
Damn it! Ahhh!
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277. Sorry.
My twin brother is a...
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278. It's pointless to explain.
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279. Hurts so much!
Right?
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280. It shredded my meniscus!
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281. Whup! Whup! Whup!
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282. Oh! Ow, ooh, ooh.
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283. Shouldn't have done that.
Ooh.
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284. Nope.
Don't like that sound.
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285. Incredible.
It's as if there's
something about this place
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286. That feeds on ambition.
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287. I came from here.
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288. I work here.
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289. My name is jeff winger.
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290. And you're annie.
And... And shirley.
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291. Aw!
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292. And abed and britta.
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293. Britta? What kind
of lame name is that?
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294. I wanna be buzzkill
because of my awesome saw.
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295. You guys are my friends
in real life.
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296. This is my imagination
or something.
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297. Freeze, everybody!
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298. Don't make me zap you!
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299. Craig, it's me, jeff.
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300. jeffrey!
Are you okay?
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301. Fourth wall:
No, he's not. Take it from
an expert in delusion.
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302. If jeff's hallucinating
something this cool,
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303. Something's wrong,
he needs to get back.
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304. Wingman, do you have
your wingpack,
or is it sold separately?
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305. Here it is.
That's good.
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306. My fourth wall
penetrating powers
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307. Combined with this medium's
lack of internal logic
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308. Should allow me
to come up with
an oversimplified solution.
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309. I'll be right back.
I have to get something.
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310. What?
The truth.
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311. Oh, crap.
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312. Ah, jeff, while you were gone,
I figured everything out
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313. And did everything
that needs to be done.
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314. This may be your delusion,
but I'm still the one
on the ball.
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315. I know why I'm here.
I'm unconscious.
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316. Jeff winger's unconscious,
because he...
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317. I drank a fifth of scotch.
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318. And I took some pills.
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319. Jeffrey, shame on you.
I have three kids.
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320. Are you saying you tried to...
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321. No, they were
these stupid youth pills
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322. That I bought in koreatown.
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323. I took them because
it's my birthday and...
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324. I've been lying about my age.
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325. Whoa.
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326. Yeah, it's not something
I'm really ready to deal with.
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327. I guess you found a way
to deal with it unconsciously
through a psychotic break.
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328. Happens to the best of us.
Now, these are
the three layers of reality.
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329. We are in the cartoon layer.
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330. It's separated
from the live action layer
Copy !req
331. By a dangerous mid-layer
called children's
toy commercials,
Copy !req
332. Which I believe you're seeing
in your visions.
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333. I've modified your wingpack
to break this barrier, and...
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334. I'm not going back.
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335. Jeff, you have to go back.
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336. I don't wanna be a middle-aged
community college teacher.
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337. I wanna be in g.I. Joe.
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338. I wanna fight for freedom
wherever there's
trouble forever.
Copy !req
339. Jeff, that's
your 10-year-old self talking.
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340. You've receded into some
infantile part of your mind.
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341. Imaginary britta is right.
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342. And only imaginary britta.
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343. In these visions
you're having,
Copy !req
344. A giant child
is controlling you.
You have to get away from him.
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345. I am him!
That's the point.
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346. I created this.
I chose this.
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347. But do you understand
that the real jeff winger
Copy !req
348. Is in some kind of actual,
real medical jeopardy?
Copy !req
349. Like the kind
in a one-hour drama?
Copy !req
350. Jeff, please.
I don't want you to die.
Copy !req
351. Can you hear me?
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352. I'm only dying
out there, annie.
Copy !req
353. In here we're immortal.
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354. Look at the rack I gave you.
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355. Those are gonna stay
right where they are
for an eternity.
Copy !req
356. You're welcome.
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357. Yo, jobra!
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358. "yo, jobra"?
Copy !req
359. We talked it over
and realized that since
none of us
Copy !req
360. Can kill each other,
we might as well team up.
Copy !req
361. Seeing as we've got
a common enemy.
Copy !req
362. Seize them!
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363. You can't seize me.
Copy !req
364. I am the creator
of your reality.
Copy !req
365. I am neo in the third act
of the matrix.
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366. I'm also neo in the first act
of the second matrix.
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367. I didn't get around
to seeing the third one,
Copy !req
368. But my guess is... Oh!
Copy !req
369. Cobra and g.I. Joe
have finally united.
Copy !req
370. Boy 1:
Do you guys need anything?
Copy !req
371. Boy 2: We could probably use
some milk.
Copy !req
372. Boy 1: Let's go get some milk
for g.I. Joe.
Copy !req
373. Boy 2: I'll wait it out
in this cell until you guys
can re-educate me.
Copy !req
374. Yo, jobra!
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375. Yo, jobra.
All figures come
with their own accessories.
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376. Wingman sold separately
or something.
Copy !req
377. Ah, look who's
conscious again.
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378. You're pretty selective
with those snake "s's.
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379. What are you, my life coach?
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380. I'd make fun of some
physical detail about you,
but there aren't any.
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381. You look like some
aryan foosball figure.
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382. Guys, you don't have
to keep me prisoner.
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383. I want what you want.
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384. We can't just have you
running around, wingman.
You're too powerful.
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385. So let's share the power.
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386. We can be gods here forever.
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387. For realsies?
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388. Absolutely.
I don't wanna leave here.
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389. I wanna hang out
with you guys
and blow stuff up.
Copy !req
390. Hmm. All right.
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391. Yo, jobra.
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392. Yo, jobra.
Copy !req
393. Yo, jobra.
Copy !req
394. Say, do you mind if we ask you
a few questions
about real life?
Copy !req
395. No problem.
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396. What do boobies look like?
Copy !req
397. Wait.
You don't know?
Copy !req
398. You guys have never seen
a naked woman?
Copy !req
399. You don't have
to make us feel bad.
Copy !req
400. Have you guys
ever tasted scotch?
Copy !req
401. Does scotch liquor
exist here?
Copy !req
402. You know what?
Copy !req
403. Can I just go to the bathroom
real quick?
Copy !req
404. Sure. It's the second door
over there on the right.
Copy !req
405. Hey! We can't
go to the bathroom!
Copy !req
406. Fool!
He's getting away!
Copy !req
407. This had better work.
Copy !req
408. No, no, no, wait!
Copy !req
409. Get off me!
I wanna go home!
Copy !req
410. Take me with you!
I want to see women's boobs!
Copy !req
411. We can't both go!
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412. You're slowing me down!
Let go!
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413. I can feel it! Yes!
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414. I can feel reality!
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415. I've never felt so alive!
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416. Because you're fictional!
You can't survive this!
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417. Wait, why does my back hurt?
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418. Why do I just have
random pains in my body?
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419. Why is my ability
to appreciate
new music diminishing?
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420. Need to gain speed before...
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421. Wingman is trying
to escape g.I. Joe,
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422. And it's up to you
to hold him back
with your inner child's hand.
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423. Wing man:
Damn it, I didn't make it.
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424. I'm not controlling him!
He's doing this himself!
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425. Screw you, kid!
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426. Ow! He burnt my hand.
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427. The wingman wingpack
is not available in stores.
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428. You control the toy.
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429. You control it, my ass.
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430. What is it doing?
Making a man of you.
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431. Everything sold separately.
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432. Everyone dies eventually.
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433. nobody gets out alive.
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434. His eyes are opening.
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435. Yeah, but that happens
when people die too.
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436. Jeff! Jeffrey!
Wait, britta,
don't slap him!
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437. Jeffrey, it's me, the dean.
I'm right here.
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438. Wait, wait, no, no,
I think you have to...
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439. Oh, stop it, I'm awake.
Oh!
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440. Jeff, you've been keeping
your birthday a secret?
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441. Yeah.
Most people have cake.
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442. Not a fifth of scotch
and what the hell else.
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443. "age reverse,
life extend power"?
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444. This is Korean.
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445. Okay, what am I?
Chinese!
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446. Okay, I swear to god
I feel Korean.
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447. guys...
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448. I'm 40.
what?
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449. Wow.
I'm so sorry.
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450. Yeah, we knew that.
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451. You know, I guess
we knew that you had to be
around 30 when we met.
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452. Yeah, and it has been
five years.
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453. And even if he had been 32,
we'd have to know
he would be...
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454. This isn't helping.
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455. You guys know I'm 38, right?
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456. I'm kidding.
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457. But, jeff, you shouldn't
almost die over a number.
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458. What's important
are ranges of numbers.
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459. You're still 18 to 49
for almost a decade.
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460. That's valuable to society.
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461. You have
any more of these pills left?
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462. I had the craziest dream.
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463. It was all animated
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464. And a g.I. Joe cartoon,
and you were all in it.
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465. In it? How much?
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466. What clothes
did you draw me in?
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467. Hmm, fully animated?
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468. But it was all a dream
because you were unconscious.
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469. Remember that christmas
when I...
Yes!
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470. Jeff, here's your present.
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471. Slim pickings
at the hospital gift shop,
but we made do.
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472. "it's an old boy."
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473. Yes.
He is a old boy.
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474. He's an old boy.
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475. Bring it in, guys.
Aw!
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476. Jeff!
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477. Hey, listen,
I got a former partner
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478. That's been here since '89
in a coma, so... Hmm.
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479. 1889?
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480. Winger, you're funny.
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481. This is cool!
Make my name too.
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482. What are you guys,
cavemen?
Buzzkill!
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483. What you're doing
is a waste of spray paint.
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484. We live in a fascist police
state disguised as democracy.
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485. You think you're gonna
shatter that illusion
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486. By celebrating your own
meaningless identities?
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487. Is church over yet?
Fourth wall!
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488. A good syndicated cartoon
has a lesson at the end.
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489. But getting heavy-handed
or preachy could turn
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490. An entire generation
into jaded, sarcastic babies.
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491. Be friendly and direct.
And keep
the message simple.
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492. Graffiti is bad.
Go play sports.
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493. Cool!
I get it!
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494. I was trying to hold them
to a higher standard.
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495. If the media tells kids
what to think,
all they'll know is...
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496. And knowing
is half the battle.
What?
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497. G.I. Joe!
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