1. His name is Archie Decoste.Copy !req
2. Age, 22, total years spent
in high school, seven.Copy !req
3. Sat score zero.Copy !req
4. And he was recently arrested
for selling marijuanaCopy !req
5. to a police officer
at a police station.Copy !req
6. So, you want us to help
you recruit this idiotCopy !req
7. instead of an honors student
or a science genius?Copy !req
8. Do we go to the same Greendale?Copy !req
9. Ah, but let me reveal the
fortune inside this cookie.Copy !req
10. Family net worth, $8 million.Copy !req
11. Ladies and gentlemen,
this is what weCopy !req
12. in the community college
recruiting game call a "whale."Copy !req
13. The perfect mix
of low intellect,Copy !req
14. high lack of ambition,
and limitless parental support.Copy !req
15. So, a rich dumb-dumb
who will never graduateCopy !req
16. and keep dropping money into the
school indefinitely. Got it.Copy !req
17. Is there really that much
money in this, Dean,Copy !req
18. or is it like that endorsement deal
you made with let's potato chips?Copy !req
19. If you don't like the
crispy-licious taste of Let's,Copy !req
20. feel free to eat
that other greasy brand.Copy !req
21. Splingles?
Not this guy.Copy !req
22. Thank you, Troy,Copy !req
23. and, I will explain the value
of this whale by describing oneCopy !req
24. who's been swimming
right under your nose.Copy !req
25. Pierce Hawthorne has taken 80%Copy !req
26. of Greendale's classes
more than twice.Copy !req
27. He is the only Greendale student
who has ever paid for a premium lockerCopy !req
28. or the extended
pencil warranty.Copy !req
29. Pierce cannot know about this.Copy !req
30. He's a big baby who throws tantrums
when anyone else gets attention.Copy !req
31. Remember when Kerri Strug
visited our campus?Copy !req
32. - That was horrible.
- That was awful.Copy !req
33. I have scheduled
Archie's visit for tomorrowCopy !req
34. when Pierce has no classes.Copy !req
35. Guys, I'm asking,Copy !req
36. as treasurer
of the forensics club.Copy !req
37. The Dean said we could use some of
the whale money for a new body farm.Copy !req
38. - Mmm.
- Who wants to help?Copy !req
39. I'm in.
Sounds like a romper.Copy !req
40. We do need money.Copy !req
41. The biology department's been dissecting
the same dead pig for 10 years.Copy !req
42. If we land this kid,
we can buy 100 dead pigsCopy !req
43. and make everybody happy.Copy !req
44. I'll help where I can, but
I started a new PE class.Copy !req
45. I've been avoiding it for three years,
but you can't run from running forever.Copy !req
46. I'm in PE too.Copy !req
47. I made room in my trophy case.Copy !req
48. Then, I remembered classes
don't give out trophies,Copy !req
49. so I put a fishbowl
there instead.Copy !req
50. It's been quite the week.Copy !req
51. So, the rest of us will
have to pick up the slack,Copy !req
52. and, yes, Jeffrey,
I assume you're out,Copy !req
53. because of your track record of
literally being too cool for school.Copy !req
54. Actually, you can
count me in on this one.Copy !req
55. What?Copy !req
56. You had me at
"no Pierce."Copy !req
57. He's been all over me lately to hang out.
It's weird.Copy !req
58. You just want to be
a part of something.Copy !req
59. Admit it, Thanksgiving softened
that Winger underbelly.Copy !req
60. Ugh, Britta.Copy !req
61. Now, let's set sail
and hunt that whale!Copy !req
62. - Yeah.
- Hey, let's do that.Copy !req
63. Oh!Copy !req
64. You know
what the commercial says.Copy !req
65. "Keep your damn hands
off my Let's."Copy !req
66. Hey, Jeff, there you are.Copy !req
67. I was thinking we could swing by
this great barbershop I know.Copy !req
68. You're looking
a little stubbly,Copy !req
69. and nobody handles a razor
like an Italian.Copy !req
70. They develop nimble fingers
from pleasing their mistresses.Copy !req
71. Thank you for opening my
eyes to two new stereotypes.Copy !req
72. Now, how can I put this?Copy !req
73. No.
I don't want to go.Copy !req
74. Not now, not ever.
No.Copy !req
75. No prob.Copy !req
76. We'll work around your skedge.Copy !req
77. Ah.Copy !req
78. - It's okay. Pierce is gone.
- Yes.Copy !req
79. Walking Dead has left the building.
Resume operation, Deadliest Catch.Copy !req
80. Archie is gonna love
this banner.Copy !req
81. The name, brand
glitter really shows.Copy !req
82. Yo, yo, yo.Copy !req
83. School board guys
in the hizzie!Copy !req
84. Richie, Richie, pace yourself.Copy !req
85. Hey, there, Dean.Copy !req
86. Just thought we'd pop in
and check on the big whale hunt.Copy !req
87. Ah, what a day we have
planned for young Archie.Copy !req
88. Library tour, calculator
lab demonstration...Copy !req
89. And, it all culminatesCopy !req
90. in the "spirit of
Greendale" reception.Copy !req
91. Magnitude is a soft yes.Copy !req
92. Oh, wow, that's a get.Copy !req
93. As much as we love
that magnitude,Copy !req
94. your tour may be
lacking a little...Copy !req
95. Tour sucks, bro.Copy !req
96. - What?
- You gotta think big.Copy !req
97. Hookers, blow, hookers.Copy !req
98. He's been mixing,Copy !req
99. but there is some wisdom there.Copy !req
100. We need this whale money.Copy !req
101. The kid likes snowboarding.Copy !req
102. Maybe Shaun White finds his
way on the faculty roster.Copy !req
103. He likes to party.Copy !req
104. Maybe Greendale
suddenly has a frat.Copy !req
105. The Delta Cubes, or whatever.Copy !req
106. Dean, you're not
considering this, are you?Copy !req
107. No, no. Greendale
stands on its own.Copy !req
108. No hookers, no blow,Copy !req
109. no Shaun White frat.Copy !req
110. College dean
threatening a fraternity.Copy !req
111. You'll never shut down
the Delta Cubes.Copy !req
112. - What?
- Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes...Copy !req
113. Look, it's your call, Craig.Copy !req
114. Don't let this whale swim away.Copy !req
115. Cruise by Skeeper's
Express for a refill?Copy !req
116. I'll second that motion.Copy !req
117. I've been working
on my victory dances.Copy !req
118. Basketball, football,Copy !req
119. and crab soccer.Copy !req
120. That one's the hard one.Copy !req
121. Well, that's nice.Copy !req
122. Hey, when I was
in grade school,Copy !req
123. PE was about being picked
on and picked last,Copy !req
124. but, you'll put me
on your team, right?Copy !req
125. - Right, but also, wrong.
- Ah.Copy !req
126. PE's about
survival of the fittest.Copy !req
127. Line up, class.Copy !req
128. Welcome to PEE
I'm coach Jason Chapman.Copy !req
129. Physical education education?Copy !req
130. I thought that was a typo
in the course cartalogue.Copy !req
131. It started as a typo,Copy !req
132. but it's grown
into one of Greendale'sCopy !req
133. most successful programs.Copy !req
134. Anyone can take PE.Copy !req
135. I teach my student coaches
to teach PE.Copy !req
136. - Something funny, coach Barnes?
- No, it's just...Copy !req
137. You're teaching us
how to be gym teachers.Copy !req
138. Gym teachers?Copy !req
139. A gym is a building,Copy !req
140. a man-made structure
inside whichCopy !req
141. physical education teachersCopy !req
142. teach physical education to
physical education students.Copy !req
143. Pop quiz, coach Barnes,Copy !req
144. a student is choking
on a plastic golf ball.Copy !req
145. - What do you do?
- I...Copy !req
146. How many orange cones does it take
to line a regulation soccer field?Copy !req
147. What if students are
talking during stretches?Copy !req
148. When my kids talk past bedtime,Copy !req
149. I use my angry voice,
and I say,Copy !req
150. "the next peep I hear will be the last."
And I give 'em one of these.Copy !req
151. Not bad, coach Bennett.Copy !req
152. - Look at me!
- I see you.Copy !req
153. Two hours late?Copy !req
154. This is exactly the lack of follow-through
that makes Archie so appealing,Copy !req
155. but still, send a text, right?Copy !req
156. Okay, Abed, I told you we're
not doing the fraternity idea.Copy !req
157. The Delta Cubes will never die.Copy !req
158. We've only just begun to fight.Copy !req
159. You only began yesterday.Copy !req
160. Whale, ho!
Look alive, everyone.Copy !req
161. Hey, what are you guys
all doing out here?Copy !req
162. Oh, no! Pierce will
ruin everything!Copy !req
163. What's an Archie?
Why does he get a banner?Copy !req
164. Jeff!
Do something.Copy !req
165. Oh!Copy !req
166. Ugh.Copy !req
167. There you are, Pierce.Copy !req
168. Thought you were
gonna cancel our plans.Copy !req
169. - Plans?
- To spend the entire dayCopy !req
170. together away
from everyone else.Copy !req
171. Oh, yeah!
Those plans.Copy !req
172. Suck it, bozos.Copy !req
173. You're getting ditched
by the cool kids.Copy !req
174. Oh, what a day
we're gonna have.Copy !req
175. Text me the instant
I can ditch him.Copy !req
176. - Oh!
- Hey, guys.Copy !req
177. Sweet campus.Copy !req
178. Welcome to Greendale.
I'm bean Pelton.Copy !req
179. "Bean Pelton?"
Dean Pelton.Copy !req
180. Gosh, I'm nervous.Copy !req
181. Please enroll in our school.
Please, please.Copy !req
182. Nice scooter, Archie.Copy !req
183. Yeah, city college gave
it to me as a present.Copy !req
184. - City college?
- Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
185. City college
bought you a vespa?Copy !req
186. Brand-new.Copy !req
187. So, Archie,
have you heard aboutCopy !req
188. our half-pipes and hash pipes class,
taught by professor Shaun White?Copy !req
189. - What?
- Yeah, let me tell you about itCopy !req
190. in our Mountain Dew
cool zone tent.Copy !req
191. Put up a tent, write "Mountain
Dew" on it, make it cool.Copy !req
192. Ah, here we go. Let's keep going.
This is our library.Copy !req
193. Okay.Copy !req
194. Archie, why don't you
"hang ten" on the webCopy !req
195. while I talk business,
and you know what?Copy !req
196. You can take that computer.Copy !req
197. Wah!
Sweet!Copy !req
198. My friends and I can
drop it off an overpass.Copy !req
199. Ah, I shouldn't
have heard that.Copy !req
200. Dean, you're giving him
our computers?Copy !req
201. He is a 22-year-old stoner-head
whose parents bought him a GED.Copy !req
202. Which college is he
going to choose?Copy !req
203. Vespa state, or "ooh, look
at our library" university?Copy !req
204. Those school board guys
were right.Copy !req
205. - Britta, where do we get drugs?
- Really?Copy !req
206. Look who stumbled
onto the high road.Copy !req
207. This is a slippery slope.Copy !req
208. Well, city college slipped that slope
when they slipped him that scooter,Copy !req
209. but they sure slipped up when they
let him set foot on our soil.Copy !req
210. Three, two, one!Copy !req
211. Time!Copy !req
212. Coach Barnes, it seems
dodge ball storageCopy !req
213. isn't quite in your skill set,Copy !req
214. much like table tennis prep.Copy !req
215. Excellent job, coach Bennett.Copy !req
216. You have the spatial reasoning
skills of a young Kevin Miller,Copy !req
217. a really good PE teacher
I know.Copy !req
218. The skill of ranking others in
order of ability is crucial.Copy !req
219. In this next drill, our
two best student coachesCopy !req
220. will split the rest
of the class,Copy !req
221. coach Bennett, coach Neil.Copy !req
222. - Yeah!
- Pick your teams.Copy !req
223. - Coach Donovan.
- Coach Goldman.Copy !req
224. - Coach McKenna.
- Coach Cutler.Copy !req
225. - Coach Winston.
- Ooh, coach Dornetto.Copy !req
226. - Coach Guest.
- Coach Panos!Copy !req
227. Oh.Copy !req
228. Choose wisely.Copy !req
229. You're one decision away
from victory or defeat.Copy !req
230. Coach...Copy !req
231. Marzec.Copy !req
232. Oh, yay!Copy !req
233. Well picked, coach Bennett.Copy !req
234. Your team wins!Copy !req
235. Oh, we won!
Nice!Copy !req
236. Ah, the barbershop.Copy !req
237. A reminder of a bygone era
when men were men,Copy !req
238. and women were sex
cooks who did laundry.Copy !req
239. I've been getting a daily
shave here for decades.Copy !req
240. And apparently, reading the same
eight magazines the entire time.Copy !req
241. Yeah, National Geographic's
got someCopy !req
242. tribal boob shots
that are exquisite.Copy !req
243. There's something
about a breastCopy !req
244. that's never been touched
by white hands.Copy !req
245. You are a complicated man.Copy !req
246. Silvio, spin up
lucky number seven.Copy !req
247. You know what?
That feels good,Copy !req
248. I'll give you that.Copy !req
249. Now, that soda gobletCopy !req
250. gets you free refills
in the cafeteria,Copy !req
251. and it was painted
by our professor Ed Hardy...Copy !req
252. - Whoa!
- Who teaches bikini class.Copy !req
253. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
254. Whoa, check out that bling!Copy !req
255. I want that.Copy !req
256. You heard him, Annie!
Bling the king!Copy !req
257. Yeah, just take it off of him.Copy !req
258. - There you go.
- Thank you.Copy !req
259. Delta Cubes!Copy !req
260. Prepare to bond
through embarrassment.Copy !req
261. Pacifiers in!Copy !req
262. Commence...Copy !req
263. Code Dean!
Code Dean!Copy !req
264. Gosh dean it, Abed!
I told you, no fraternities!Copy !req
265. There's soda all over my kicks!Copy !req
266. Britta, give Archie your scarf
so he can dry his kicks.Copy !req
267. Dry his kicks, Britta.
Put your back into it!Copy !req
268. No!
Line drawn!Copy !req
269. If I wanted to wait
on a rich man hand and foot,Copy !req
270. I would've gone to Dubai what
that sheik I met at trader Joe's.Copy !req
271. Don't worry about her, Archie.Copy !req
272. Onward to
the Microbrew Pizzatorium!Copy !req
273. I think all a man needs in life
is a close shave, a cold beer,Copy !req
274. and you know,
maybe a faithful dog.Copy !req
275. Hmm, I had a chocolate lab
growing up, Rosie.Copy !req
276. Oh.Copy !req
277. She used to wake me up every
morning by licking my feet.Copy !req
278. Mine was Walter,
a German Shepherd.Copy !req
279. Followed me to school
every day.Copy !req
280. I'd look out the window,
and there he was,Copy !req
281. dropping a steaming
fat one on the lawn.Copy !req
282. Would someone please tell me
why I've been shaving my own faceCopy !req
283. all these years like a sucker?Copy !req
284. This state-of-the-art
mock locker room,Copy !req
285. or "mocker room,"
simulates the conditionsCopy !req
286. of an actual locker room.Copy !req
287. Don't we have
an actual locker room?Copy !req
288. You think you're ready
for that, coach Barnes?Copy !req
289. For our next drill,
drama studentsCopy !req
290. will play the role
of PE students,Copy !req
291. and each of you will oversee them
in a "mocker room" setting.Copy !req
292. My character just had
her first period.Copy !req
293. Mine has eczema!Copy !req
294. Coach Bennett,
care to go first?Copy !req
295. Yes!Copy !req
296. Keep yo hands to yourself!Copy !req
297. Running will get you
five laps, mister!Copy !req
298. - Ow!
- Joey!Copy !req
299. I will come in that shower
and kick yo bare ass!Copy !req
300. Sorry, coach Bennett.Copy !req
301. I have never seen such
natural disciplinary skills.Copy !req
302. You're up next, coach Barnes.Copy !req
303. Entertain us
with your ineptitude.Copy !req
304. How's the foam machine
coming, Leonard?Copy !req
305. Memories will be made tonight.Copy !req
306. Destiny!Copy !req
307. Oh, thank you for coming
on such short notice.Copy !req
308. Well, I did get
your Christmas card.Copy !req
309. Look... no, so... no, no,
no time to pre-party.Copy !req
310. You and the girls get in
position and wait for my signal.Copy !req
311. Strippers?Copy !req
312. Oh, tons.Copy !req
313. - It's good for the school.
- Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
314. The whale is here.
Balloon drop, go!Copy !req
315. There you go.Copy !req
316. Release the whores.Copy !req
317. - Oh, yeah.
- No way!Copy !req
318. Pierce.Copy !req
319. I was wrong about this shop.Copy !req
320. It really is special.Copy !req
321. Well, if you like the place so
much, why don't you gay marry it?Copy !req
322. You probably
didn't notice it, Jeff,Copy !req
323. but I've been subtly trying
to get us some alone time.Copy !req
324. I might've picked up on that.Copy !req
325. I'm no stranger
to father issues,Copy !req
326. so I know confronting your
dad couldn't have been easy,Copy !req
327. and I just want to say
I'm proud of you.Copy !req
328. Well...Copy !req
329. If you're so proud...Copy !req
330. Why don't you gay marry me?Copy !req
331. You guys, behave!Copy !req
332. Hit the showers!
Everybody in the showers!Copy !req
333. Please stop hitting each other!Copy !req
334. Hit the showers!
Cut! Scene!Copy !req
335. Shirley, help.Copy !req
336. I can't control these drama
students or their characters.Copy !req
337. No! No!Copy !req
338. PE is survival
of the fittest, Troy.Copy !req
339. Hey, your phone's buzzing.Copy !req
340. Ooh, it's from Annie.
You sly dog.Copy !req
341. "Need more time.
Keep Pierce busy."Copy !req
342. Keep me busy?Copy !req
343. Look, the group is giving
some big shot a tour,Copy !req
344. so it's my job
to keep you busy.Copy !req
345. You know how you get jealous.Copy !req
346. So, that's why you
spent the day with me?Copy !req
347. You drew the short straw.Copy !req
348. Well, that's how it started,Copy !req
349. but I really did end up
having a good time.Copy !req
350. Yeah, I used to regret not
having a son to bring here.Copy !req
351. I'm glad I didn't have kids.Copy !req
352. They just end up
disappointing you.Copy !req
353. So Archie, having a good time?Copy !req
354. Gettin' crazy up in this club?Copy !req
355. Sicker than ever, bro!Copy !req
356. I've made my decision, Dean.Copy !req
357. I'm about to get all up
in this Greendale.Copy !req
358. Whoo!Copy !req
359. Human beings, it's official!Copy !req
360. Say hello
to our newest Greendalian,Copy !req
361. Archie Decoste!Copy !req
362. Pop pop!Copy !req
363. Pop pop!Copy !req
364. I want that to be my thing now.Copy !req
365. I don't think you can do that.Copy !req
366. Magnitude, you're not to
say "pop pop" ever again.Copy !req
367. Not pop?Copy !req
368. That's right.
Find a new thing.Copy !req
369. Get him out of here.Copy !req
370. Ah! Here we go!
We're back!Copy !req
371. Pop pop!Copy !req
372. Well, we did it.
We did what we had to do,Copy !req
373. and I feel great about it.Copy !req
374. - It's all for Greendale.
- All for Greendale.Copy !req
375. Oh, you look pretty sad for someone
whose forensics club can now affordCopy !req
376. that state-of-the-art
body farm.Copy !req
377. Mmm!Copy !req
378. I can smell the corpses now.Copy !req
379. None of this
is weighing on you?Copy !req
380. Sha!Copy !req
381. The only thing weighing on me is
tons and tons of whale money.Copy !req
382. - Ah, Jeffrey.
- Hey. Landed a whale, huh?Copy !req
383. Yeah, but I'm starting
to feel like maybe we...Copy !req
384. Okay, Archie
goes to Greendale now.Copy !req
385. We're moving forward, Annie!Copy !req
386. Okay, we all paid a price.Copy !req
387. You don't hear
Jeffrey grumbling,Copy !req
388. and, he had to spend a whole
day with walking dead.Copy !req
389. Well, that's true.
You know what?Copy !req
390. I can't believe
I'm gonna say this.Copy !req
391. Don't talk about Pierce
like that.Copy !req
392. Look, maybe the only reason
he can be so unpleasantCopy !req
393. is because we expect him to be.Copy !req
394. If we don't treat him
like such a dick...Copy !req
395. Well, he'll probably still
be one 98% of the time,Copy !req
396. but the 2% he's tolerable,Copy !req
397. it might be worth it.Copy !req
398. Well, who put the salt
in his cereal, huh?Copy !req
399. Look, I, for one, am still proud
of what we did for Greendale.Copy !req
400. I've been up all night
trying out new catchphrases.Copy !req
401. Diggity doo?Copy !req
402. My God, what have we done?Copy !req
403. I thought you dropped pee.Copy !req
404. I did, but I lost my
keys in the mocker.Copy !req
405. I had to hitchhike home last
night in a burrito truck.Copy !req
406. It's not as fun as it sounds.Copy !req
407. I'm sorry for how
I acted in class.Copy !req
408. Don't apologize. You were the
fittest, and you survived.Copy !req
409. Still, no one deserves
to be mockedCopy !req
410. for being mock-locked
in a mock locker.Copy !req
411. Friends should help
friends survive.Copy !req
412. Ah! Oh, geez!Copy !req
413. Hi.
Ah, ah, ah!Copy !req
414. So, I'm going to help you learnCopy !req
415. to teach the most unteachable
student there is.Copy !req
416. - Well done, coach Barnes.
- I can't breathe.Copy !req
417. You as well, coach Bennett.Copy !req
418. You know, I was supposed
to teach you twoCopy !req
419. to teach other people,Copy !req
420. but instead,Copy !req
421. you ended up teaching me.Copy !req
422. Oh.Copy !req
423. I did it!Copy !req
424. I used the water fountain.Copy !req
425. Archie, wake up!Copy !req
426. Chillax, bro.
It's not even noon.Copy !req
427. I will neither chill nor relax.Copy !req
428. All this hoopla is not
what Greendale really is.Copy !req
429. Greendale is
a nice welcome banner.Copy !req
430. Greendale is
a foamless cafeteria.Copy !req
431. And Greendale is Magnitude
saying "pop pop."Copy !req
432. Now, I am a man
of very little integrity,Copy !req
433. and I let students get away with
practically anything on this campus,Copy !req
434. but I will not allow GreendaleCopy !req
435. to lose the things
that make it Greendale.Copy !req
436. Now, Archie, I would love for
you to enroll in my school,Copy !req
437. but I will not
change it for you.Copy !req
438. Greendale will stay Greendale,Copy !req
439. no matter what.Copy !req
440. You know what?Copy !req
441. Everybody kisses my ass
because my dad is loaded,Copy !req
442. and they always give me
free stuff,Copy !req
443. like that jet ski I sunk,Copy !req
444. but it would be pretty sweetCopy !req
445. to be treated
like a normal dude...Copy !req
446. So I'm in.Copy !req
447. Magnitude.Copy !req
448. You usually
have the perfect blendCopy !req
449. of brevity and wit that sums
up situations like this.Copy !req
450. Pop pop!Copy !req
451. Yay!Copy !req
452. Oh, that's so good!Copy !req
453. So good!Copy !req
454. I think we all learned today that
all human beings deserve dignity.Copy !req
455. Delta Cubes!
Delta Cubes!Copy !req
456. Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes!
Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes!Copy !req
457. Delta Cubes,
operation, slack attack!Copy !req
458. Slack attack?Copy !req
459. Ah!Copy !req
460. Delta Cubes!
Delta Cubes!Copy !req
461. Mark my words, Delta Cubes,Copy !req
462. you'll pay for this!Copy !req
463. is this seat taken?Copy !req
464. Free country.Copy !req
465. You know, I was thinkingCopy !req
466. I might start coming here
more often.Copy !req
467. I like the vibe.Copy !req
468. You know what sport
I never got?Copy !req
469. Golf.Copy !req
470. No argument here.Copy !req
471. They lost me immediately
with the clown clothes.Copy !req
472. You know, I belong to a
dozen country clubs.Copy !req
473. Never played.Copy !req
474. I just spend my time
hitting on the waitresses.Copy !req
475. There's something about
a country club waitressCopy !req
476. that just makes you wanna
pay your dues every year.Copy !req
477. Get your damn hand
off of my Let's!Copy !req
478. Honestly, after all that,
you still eat splingles?Copy !req
479. Uh, yeah, Troy.Copy !req
480. Splingles have 30% less fat.Copy !req
481. They're the fit chip.Copy !req
482. You know, I kinda have a headache.
Maybe you should go home.Copy !req