1. His name is Archie Decoste.
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2. Age, 22, total years spent
in high school, seven.
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3. Sat score zero.
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4. And he was recently arrested
for selling marijuana
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5. to a police officer
at a police station.
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6. So, you want us to help
you recruit this idiot
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7. instead of an honors student
or a science genius?
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8. Do we go to the same Greendale?
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9. Ah, but let me reveal the
fortune inside this cookie.
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10. Family net worth, $8 million.
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11. Ladies and gentlemen,
this is what we
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12. in the community college
recruiting game call a "whale."
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13. The perfect mix
of low intellect,
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14. high lack of ambition,
and limitless parental support.
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15. So, a rich dumb-dumb
who will never graduate
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16. and keep dropping money into the
school indefinitely. Got it.
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17. Is there really that much
money in this, Dean,
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18. or is it like that endorsement deal
you made with let's potato chips?
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19. If you don't like the
crispy-licious taste of Let's,
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20. feel free to eat
that other greasy brand.
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21. Splingles?
Not this guy.
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22. Thank you, Troy,
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23. and, I will explain the value
of this whale by describing one
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24. who's been swimming
right under your nose.
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25. Pierce Hawthorne has taken 80%
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26. of Greendale's classes
more than twice.
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27. He is the only Greendale student
who has ever paid for a premium locker
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28. or the extended
pencil warranty.
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29. Pierce cannot know about this.
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30. He's a big baby who throws tantrums
when anyone else gets attention.
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31. Remember when Kerri Strug
visited our campus?
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32. - That was horrible.
- That was awful.
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33. I have scheduled
Archie's visit for tomorrow
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34. when Pierce has no classes.
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35. Guys, I'm asking,
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36. as treasurer
of the forensics club.
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37. The Dean said we could use some of
the whale money for a new body farm.
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38. - Mmm.
- Who wants to help?
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39. I'm in.
Sounds like a romper.
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40. We do need money.
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41. The biology department's been dissecting
the same dead pig for 10 years.
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42. If we land this kid,
we can buy 100 dead pigs
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43. and make everybody happy.
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44. I'll help where I can, but
I started a new PE class.
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45. I've been avoiding it for three years,
but you can't run from running forever.
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46. I'm in PE too.
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47. I made room in my trophy case.
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48. Then, I remembered classes
don't give out trophies,
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49. so I put a fishbowl
there instead.
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50. It's been quite the week.
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51. So, the rest of us will
have to pick up the slack,
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52. and, yes, Jeffrey,
I assume you're out,
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53. because of your track record of
literally being too cool for school.
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54. Actually, you can
count me in on this one.
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55. What?
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56. You had me at
"no Pierce."
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57. He's been all over me lately to hang out.
It's weird.
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58. You just want to be
a part of something.
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59. Admit it, Thanksgiving softened
that Winger underbelly.
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60. Ugh, Britta.
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61. Now, let's set sail
and hunt that whale!
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62. - Yeah.
- Hey, let's do that.
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63. Oh!
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64. You know
what the commercial says.
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65. "Keep your damn hands
off my Let's."
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66. Hey, Jeff, there you are.
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67. I was thinking we could swing by
this great barbershop I know.
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68. You're looking
a little stubbly,
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69. and nobody handles a razor
like an Italian.
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70. They develop nimble fingers
from pleasing their mistresses.
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71. Thank you for opening my
eyes to two new stereotypes.
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72. Now, how can I put this?
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73. No.
I don't want to go.
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74. Not now, not ever.
No.
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75. No prob.
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76. We'll work around your skedge.
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77. Ah.
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78. - It's okay. Pierce is gone.
- Yes.
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79. Walking Dead has left the building.
Resume operation, Deadliest Catch.
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80. Archie is gonna love
this banner.
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81. The name, brand
glitter really shows.
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82. Yo, yo, yo.
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83. School board guys
in the hizzie!
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84. Richie, Richie, pace yourself.
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85. Hey, there, Dean.
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86. Just thought we'd pop in
and check on the big whale hunt.
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87. Ah, what a day we have
planned for young Archie.
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88. Library tour, calculator
lab demonstration...
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89. And, it all culminates
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90. in the "spirit of
Greendale" reception.
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91. Magnitude is a soft yes.
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92. Oh, wow, that's a get.
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93. As much as we love
that magnitude,
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94. your tour may be
lacking a little...
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95. Tour sucks, bro.
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96. - What?
- You gotta think big.
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97. Hookers, blow, hookers.
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98. He's been mixing,
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99. but there is some wisdom there.
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100. We need this whale money.
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101. The kid likes snowboarding.
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102. Maybe Shaun White finds his
way on the faculty roster.
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103. He likes to party.
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104. Maybe Greendale
suddenly has a frat.
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105. The Delta Cubes, or whatever.
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106. Dean, you're not
considering this, are you?
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107. No, no. Greendale
stands on its own.
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108. No hookers, no blow,
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109. no Shaun White frat.
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110. College dean
threatening a fraternity.
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111. You'll never shut down
the Delta Cubes.
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112. - What?
- Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes...
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113. Look, it's your call, Craig.
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114. Don't let this whale swim away.
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115. Cruise by Skeeper's
Express for a refill?
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116. I'll second that motion.
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117. I've been working
on my victory dances.
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118. Basketball, football,
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119. and crab soccer.
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120. That one's the hard one.
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121. Well, that's nice.
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122. Hey, when I was
in grade school,
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123. PE was about being picked
on and picked last,
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124. but, you'll put me
on your team, right?
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125. - Right, but also, wrong.
- Ah.
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126. PE's about
survival of the fittest.
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127. Line up, class.
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128. Welcome to PEE
I'm coach Jason Chapman.
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129. Physical education education?
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130. I thought that was a typo
in the course cartalogue.
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131. It started as a typo,
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132. but it's grown
into one of Greendale's
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133. most successful programs.
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134. Anyone can take PE.
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135. I teach my student coaches
to teach PE.
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136. - Something funny, coach Barnes?
- No, it's just...
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137. You're teaching us
how to be gym teachers.
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138. Gym teachers?
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139. A gym is a building,
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140. a man-made structure
inside which
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141. physical education teachers
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142. teach physical education to
physical education students.
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143. Pop quiz, coach Barnes,
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144. a student is choking
on a plastic golf ball.
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145. - What do you do?
- I...
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146. How many orange cones does it take
to line a regulation soccer field?
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147. What if students are
talking during stretches?
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148. When my kids talk past bedtime,
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149. I use my angry voice,
and I say,
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150. "the next peep I hear will be the last."
And I give 'em one of these.
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151. Not bad, coach Bennett.
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152. - Look at me!
- I see you.
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153. Two hours late?
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154. This is exactly the lack of follow-through
that makes Archie so appealing,
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155. but still, send a text, right?
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156. Okay, Abed, I told you we're
not doing the fraternity idea.
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157. The Delta Cubes will never die.
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158. We've only just begun to fight.
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159. You only began yesterday.
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160. Whale, ho!
Look alive, everyone.
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161. Hey, what are you guys
all doing out here?
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162. Oh, no! Pierce will
ruin everything!
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163. What's an Archie?
Why does he get a banner?
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164. Jeff!
Do something.
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165. Oh!
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166. Ugh.
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167. There you are, Pierce.
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168. Thought you were
gonna cancel our plans.
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169. - Plans?
- To spend the entire day
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170. together away
from everyone else.
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171. Oh, yeah!
Those plans.
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172. Suck it, bozos.
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173. You're getting ditched
by the cool kids.
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174. Oh, what a day
we're gonna have.
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175. Text me the instant
I can ditch him.
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176. - Oh!
- Hey, guys.
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177. Sweet campus.
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178. Welcome to Greendale.
I'm bean Pelton.
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179. "Bean Pelton?"
Dean Pelton.
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180. Gosh, I'm nervous.
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181. Please enroll in our school.
Please, please.
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182. Nice scooter, Archie.
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183. Yeah, city college gave
it to me as a present.
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184. - City college?
- Mmm-hmm.
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185. City college
bought you a vespa?
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186. Brand-new.
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187. So, Archie,
have you heard about
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188. our half-pipes and hash pipes class,
taught by professor Shaun White?
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189. - What?
- Yeah, let me tell you about it
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190. in our Mountain Dew
cool zone tent.
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191. Put up a tent, write "Mountain
Dew" on it, make it cool.
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192. Ah, here we go. Let's keep going.
This is our library.
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193. Okay.
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194. Archie, why don't you
"hang ten" on the web
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195. while I talk business,
and you know what?
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196. You can take that computer.
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197. Wah!
Sweet!
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198. My friends and I can
drop it off an overpass.
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199. Ah, I shouldn't
have heard that.
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200. Dean, you're giving him
our computers?
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201. He is a 22-year-old stoner-head
whose parents bought him a GED.
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202. Which college is he
going to choose?
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203. Vespa state, or "ooh, look
at our library" university?
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204. Those school board guys
were right.
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205. - Britta, where do we get drugs?
- Really?
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206. Look who stumbled
onto the high road.
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207. This is a slippery slope.
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208. Well, city college slipped that slope
when they slipped him that scooter,
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209. but they sure slipped up when they
let him set foot on our soil.
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210. Three, two, one!
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211. Time!
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212. Coach Barnes, it seems
dodge ball storage
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213. isn't quite in your skill set,
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214. much like table tennis prep.
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215. Excellent job, coach Bennett.
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216. You have the spatial reasoning
skills of a young Kevin Miller,
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217. a really good PE teacher
I know.
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218. The skill of ranking others in
order of ability is crucial.
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219. In this next drill, our
two best student coaches
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220. will split the rest
of the class,
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221. coach Bennett, coach Neil.
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222. - Yeah!
- Pick your teams.
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223. - Coach Donovan.
- Coach Goldman.
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224. - Coach McKenna.
- Coach Cutler.
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225. - Coach Winston.
- Ooh, coach Dornetto.
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226. - Coach Guest.
- Coach Panos!
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227. Oh.
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228. Choose wisely.
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229. You're one decision away
from victory or defeat.
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230. Coach...
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231. Marzec.
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232. Oh, yay!
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233. Well picked, coach Bennett.
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234. Your team wins!
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235. Oh, we won!
Nice!
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236. Ah, the barbershop.
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237. A reminder of a bygone era
when men were men,
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238. and women were sex
cooks who did laundry.
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239. I've been getting a daily
shave here for decades.
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240. And apparently, reading the same
eight magazines the entire time.
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241. Yeah, National Geographic's
got some
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242. tribal boob shots
that are exquisite.
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243. There's something
about a breast
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244. that's never been touched
by white hands.
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245. You are a complicated man.
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246. Silvio, spin up
lucky number seven.
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247. You know what?
That feels good,
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248. I'll give you that.
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249. Now, that soda goblet
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250. gets you free refills
in the cafeteria,
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251. and it was painted
by our professor Ed Hardy...
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252. - Whoa!
- Who teaches bikini class.
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253. Oh, yeah!
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254. Whoa, check out that bling!
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255. I want that.
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256. You heard him, Annie!
Bling the king!
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257. Yeah, just take it off of him.
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258. - There you go.
- Thank you.
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259. Delta Cubes!
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260. Prepare to bond
through embarrassment.
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261. Pacifiers in!
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262. Commence...
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263. Code Dean!
Code Dean!
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264. Gosh dean it, Abed!
I told you, no fraternities!
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265. There's soda all over my kicks!
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266. Britta, give Archie your scarf
so he can dry his kicks.
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267. Dry his kicks, Britta.
Put your back into it!
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268. No!
Line drawn!
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269. If I wanted to wait
on a rich man hand and foot,
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270. I would've gone to Dubai what
that sheik I met at trader Joe's.
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271. Don't worry about her, Archie.
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272. Onward to
the Microbrew Pizzatorium!
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273. I think all a man needs in life
is a close shave, a cold beer,
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274. and you know,
maybe a faithful dog.
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275. Hmm, I had a chocolate lab
growing up, Rosie.
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276. Oh.
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277. She used to wake me up every
morning by licking my feet.
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278. Mine was Walter,
a German Shepherd.
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279. Followed me to school
every day.
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280. I'd look out the window,
and there he was,
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281. dropping a steaming
fat one on the lawn.
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282. Would someone please tell me
why I've been shaving my own face
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283. all these years like a sucker?
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284. This state-of-the-art
mock locker room,
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285. or "mocker room,"
simulates the conditions
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286. of an actual locker room.
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287. Don't we have
an actual locker room?
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288. You think you're ready
for that, coach Barnes?
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289. For our next drill,
drama students
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290. will play the role
of PE students,
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291. and each of you will oversee them
in a "mocker room" setting.
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292. My character just had
her first period.
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293. Mine has eczema!
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294. Coach Bennett,
care to go first?
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295. Yes!
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296. Keep yo hands to yourself!
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297. Running will get you
five laps, mister!
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298. - Ow!
- Joey!
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299. I will come in that shower
and kick yo bare ass!
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300. Sorry, coach Bennett.
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301. I have never seen such
natural disciplinary skills.
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302. You're up next, coach Barnes.
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303. Entertain us
with your ineptitude.
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304. How's the foam machine
coming, Leonard?
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305. Memories will be made tonight.
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306. Destiny!
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307. Oh, thank you for coming
on such short notice.
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308. Well, I did get
your Christmas card.
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309. Look... no, so... no, no,
no time to pre-party.
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310. You and the girls get in
position and wait for my signal.
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311. Strippers?
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312. Oh, tons.
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313. - It's good for the school.
- Mmm-hmm.
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314. The whale is here.
Balloon drop, go!
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315. There you go.
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316. Release the whores.
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317. - Oh, yeah.
- No way!
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318. Pierce.
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319. I was wrong about this shop.
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320. It really is special.
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321. Well, if you like the place so
much, why don't you gay marry it?
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322. You probably
didn't notice it, Jeff,
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323. but I've been subtly trying
to get us some alone time.
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324. I might've picked up on that.
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325. I'm no stranger
to father issues,
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326. so I know confronting your
dad couldn't have been easy,
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327. and I just want to say
I'm proud of you.
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328. Well...
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329. If you're so proud...
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330. Why don't you gay marry me?
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331. You guys, behave!
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332. Hit the showers!
Everybody in the showers!
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333. Please stop hitting each other!
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334. Hit the showers!
Cut! Scene!
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335. Shirley, help.
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336. I can't control these drama
students or their characters.
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337. No! No!
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338. PE is survival
of the fittest, Troy.
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339. Hey, your phone's buzzing.
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340. Ooh, it's from Annie.
You sly dog.
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341. "Need more time.
Keep Pierce busy."
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342. Keep me busy?
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343. Look, the group is giving
some big shot a tour,
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344. so it's my job
to keep you busy.
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345. You know how you get jealous.
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346. So, that's why you
spent the day with me?
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347. You drew the short straw.
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348. Well, that's how it started,
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349. but I really did end up
having a good time.
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350. Yeah, I used to regret not
having a son to bring here.
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351. I'm glad I didn't have kids.
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352. They just end up
disappointing you.
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353. So Archie, having a good time?
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354. Gettin' crazy up in this club?
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355. Sicker than ever, bro!
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356. I've made my decision, Dean.
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357. I'm about to get all up
in this Greendale.
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358. Whoo!
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359. Human beings, it's official!
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360. Say hello
to our newest Greendalian,
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361. Archie Decoste!
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362. Pop pop!
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363. Pop pop!
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364. I want that to be my thing now.
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365. I don't think you can do that.
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366. Magnitude, you're not to
say "pop pop" ever again.
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367. Not pop?
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368. That's right.
Find a new thing.
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369. Get him out of here.
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370. Ah! Here we go!
We're back!
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371. Pop pop!
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372. Well, we did it.
We did what we had to do,
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373. and I feel great about it.
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374. - It's all for Greendale.
- All for Greendale.
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375. Oh, you look pretty sad for someone
whose forensics club can now afford
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376. that state-of-the-art
body farm.
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377. Mmm!
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378. I can smell the corpses now.
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379. None of this
is weighing on you?
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380. Sha!
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381. The only thing weighing on me is
tons and tons of whale money.
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382. - Ah, Jeffrey.
- Hey. Landed a whale, huh?
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383. Yeah, but I'm starting
to feel like maybe we...
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384. Okay, Archie
goes to Greendale now.
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385. We're moving forward, Annie!
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386. Okay, we all paid a price.
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387. You don't hear
Jeffrey grumbling,
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388. and, he had to spend a whole
day with walking dead.
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389. Well, that's true.
You know what?
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390. I can't believe
I'm gonna say this.
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391. Don't talk about Pierce
like that.
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392. Look, maybe the only reason
he can be so unpleasant
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393. is because we expect him to be.
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394. If we don't treat him
like such a dick...
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395. Well, he'll probably still
be one 98% of the time,
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396. but the 2% he's tolerable,
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397. it might be worth it.
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398. Well, who put the salt
in his cereal, huh?
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399. Look, I, for one, am still proud
of what we did for Greendale.
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400. I've been up all night
trying out new catchphrases.
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401. Diggity doo?
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402. My God, what have we done?
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403. I thought you dropped pee.
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404. I did, but I lost my
keys in the mocker.
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405. I had to hitchhike home last
night in a burrito truck.
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406. It's not as fun as it sounds.
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407. I'm sorry for how
I acted in class.
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408. Don't apologize. You were the
fittest, and you survived.
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409. Still, no one deserves
to be mocked
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410. for being mock-locked
in a mock locker.
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411. Friends should help
friends survive.
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412. Ah! Oh, geez!
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413. Hi.
Ah, ah, ah!
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414. So, I'm going to help you learn
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415. to teach the most unteachable
student there is.
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416. - Well done, coach Barnes.
- I can't breathe.
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417. You as well, coach Bennett.
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418. You know, I was supposed
to teach you two
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419. to teach other people,
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420. but instead,
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421. you ended up teaching me.
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422. Oh.
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423. I did it!
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424. I used the water fountain.
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425. Archie, wake up!
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426. Chillax, bro.
It's not even noon.
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427. I will neither chill nor relax.
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428. All this hoopla is not
what Greendale really is.
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429. Greendale is
a nice welcome banner.
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430. Greendale is
a foamless cafeteria.
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431. And Greendale is Magnitude
saying "pop pop."
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432. Now, I am a man
of very little integrity,
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433. and I let students get away with
practically anything on this campus,
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434. but I will not allow Greendale
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435. to lose the things
that make it Greendale.
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436. Now, Archie, I would love for
you to enroll in my school,
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437. but I will not
change it for you.
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438. Greendale will stay Greendale,
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439. no matter what.
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440. You know what?
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441. Everybody kisses my ass
because my dad is loaded,
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442. and they always give me
free stuff,
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443. like that jet ski I sunk,
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444. but it would be pretty sweet
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445. to be treated
like a normal dude...
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446. So I'm in.
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447. Magnitude.
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448. You usually
have the perfect blend
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449. of brevity and wit that sums
up situations like this.
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450. Pop pop!
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451. Yay!
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452. Oh, that's so good!
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453. So good!
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454. I think we all learned today that
all human beings deserve dignity.
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455. Delta Cubes!
Delta Cubes!
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456. Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes!
Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes!
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457. Delta Cubes,
operation, slack attack!
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458. Slack attack?
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459. Ah!
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460. Delta Cubes!
Delta Cubes!
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461. Mark my words, Delta Cubes,
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462. you'll pay for this!
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463. is this seat taken?
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464. Free country.
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465. You know, I was thinking
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466. I might start coming here
more often.
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467. I like the vibe.
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468. You know what sport
I never got?
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469. Golf.
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470. No argument here.
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471. They lost me immediately
with the clown clothes.
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472. You know, I belong to a
dozen country clubs.
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473. Never played.
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474. I just spend my time
hitting on the waitresses.
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475. There's something about
a country club waitress
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476. that just makes you wanna
pay your dues every year.
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477. Get your damn hand
off of my Let's!
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478. Honestly, after all that,
you still eat splingles?
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479. Uh, yeah, Troy.
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480. Splingles have 30% less fat.
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481. They're the fit chip.
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482. You know, I kinda have a headache.
Maybe you should go home.
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