1. Damn it!Copy !req
2. Put the teethy wrench on the
square thing and jiggle it left.Copy !req
3. Thanks. By the way,
that square thingCopy !req
4. is a Hampton bolt
and a Manacheck maneuver.Copy !req
5. Hey. Hey, I'm just here
for the Tater Tots.Copy !req
6. Wait.
Look, I know you thinkCopy !req
7. you made your mind up about
plumbing, and I respect that.Copy !req
8. But come to the third floor
men's room tomorrow after 3.Copy !req
9. Unclog one toilet and tell me
you don't feel something,Copy !req
10. and I'll never
bring it up again.Copy !req
11. All right. One toilet.Copy !req
12. If it will get you
off my back.Copy !req
13. Abed, look.Copy !req
14. Cool. Stonehenge.Copy !req
15. Have him sign it.Copy !req
16. Excuse me.Copy !req
17. Are you Pierce Hawthorne
of Hawthorne Wipes?Copy !req
18. At your cervix.Copy !req
19. Sorry,
I thought you were a lady.Copy !req
20. You can use that cervix line
if you want.Copy !req
21. I told you it was him.
Mind signing this?Copy !req
22. He's a big fan.Copy !req
23. Okay, Randall, power down.Copy !req
24. What was that about?Copy !req
25. Fans of the product.Copy !req
26. In the wipes business,
we call them towel-heads.Copy !req
27. You got through a conversation
with two gay menCopy !req
28. without doing this—Copy !req
29. Wait. Those guys were—Copy !req
30. I assumed they were just
brothers or wealthy.Copy !req
31. Why did they wanted
your autograph?Copy !req
32. Oh, my God, Pierce, your moist
towelettes are a gay icon.Copy !req
33. What do Hawthorne Wipes have
to do with the choice to be gay?Copy !req
34. Well, according to Wikipedia—Copy !req
35. Oh! Oh, my.Copy !req
36. Even Bruce Vilanch?
Especially Bruce Vilanch.Copy !req
37. That is copyright infringement
and defamation.Copy !req
38. I'm gonna sue
the pants off that lady.Copy !req
39. I don't think that's a lady.
Why do you want his pants off?Copy !req
40. Shut up. Only when
I thought he was a lady.Copy !req
41. You're attracted to him.
Only thing I'm attracted toCopy !req
42. is taking him to court
and eating his ass alive.Copy !req
43. Ooh...
That's not what I meant.Copy !req
44. Stop putting gay things
in my mouth.Copy !req
45. I hope Pierce doesn't really sue
that lady-man singer.Copy !req
46. His life must be hard having
to sew pouches in his skirts.Copy !req
47. Yes, I'm always nice
to the gays.Copy !req
48. They defy God,
but I'd dieCopy !req
49. before I let
a woman touch my hair.Copy !req
50. Gay-oh! Hey, what's
going on with you bitches?Copy !req
51. "Bitches" is gay talk
for "friends."Copy !req
52. Did you sue Urbana Champaign
for his T-shirt?Copy !req
53. Not at all, I bought this.Copy !req
54. I'm a fan.
Also, I'm a gay-rights advocate.Copy !req
55. Pierce's positrons have been
negatized, creating Anti-Pierce.Copy !req
56. Happens on Inspector Spacetime.Copy !req
57. Yeah, but Anti-InspectorCopy !req
58. had a funny mustache
and was kind of rape-y.Copy !req
59. Don't think his positrons
have been negatized.Copy !req
60. Exactly what
Constable Reggie said.Copy !req
61. No, I thought about it,
and I decidedCopy !req
62. a man should not be judged by
what he does with a man's butt.Copy !req
63. Here's the kick.
Since that song came out,Copy !req
64. Hawthorne Wipes sales
went up 7 percent.Copy !req
65. And it's good.
Yep.Copy !req
66. Had my own people mock up a
design for a new product line.Copy !req
67. Hawthorne Pride Wipes.Copy !req
68. They may cost more,
but they're gayer.Copy !req
69. I'm gonna launch
these little babiesCopy !req
70. at a big party here
at Greendale.Copy !req
71. Here's a flyer.
Ooh.Copy !req
72. "Greendale's
first annual gay bash."Copy !req
73. Pierce, congratulations on
meeting the minimum requirementsCopy !req
74. for open-mindedness.Copy !req
75. Yeah, I'm really proud of you.
You're growing as a person.Copy !req
76. He's not supporting gay people,
they're supporting him.Copy !req
77. If Mexicans were buying,
he'd have ridden in on a donkey.Copy !req
78. People earning respect with
money is the American way.Copy !req
79. Not that my father
would've agreed.Copy !req
80. It took a federal injunction to
get him to sell to the Italians.Copy !req
81. I see what's going on.
In my psych class,Copy !req
82. I'm learning about
the Edible Complex.Copy !req
83. Men have to kill their fathers,Copy !req
84. so they can do something
to their mothers.Copy !req
85. I haven't finished the chapter.Copy !req
86. What's that complex where
you're wrong about everything?Copy !req
87. Ha. Sarcasm from the man with
the mother of all daddy issues.Copy !req
88. Whoa, double diagnosis.Copy !req
89. Save some for all
those poor real doctors.Copy !req
90. What type of cookies
do you want?Copy !req
91. We have peanut butter
or chocolate chip.Copy !req
92. Rainbow, bitches.Copy !req
93. We can have peanut butter
or chocolate chip.Copy !req
94. Well?
It's pretty great.Copy !req
95. Tight seal, good flow.Copy !req
96. Kid's pretty handy.Copy !req
97. You get the hell
out of here!Copy !req
98. Go on!Copy !req
99. Who was that?
You listen to me.Copy !req
100. What you have is a gift.Copy !req
101. And some people are gonna try
to take advantage of that gift.Copy !req
102. Promise you'll use it for good.
I promise.Copy !req
103. Good. Now, come with me
to the second floor.Copy !req
104. Somebody pooped in the sink.Copy !req
105. We actually
have a lot in common.Copy !req
106. We hate lesbians,
we hate baggy pants...Copy !req
107. I can't believe you guys
are all Bears fans.Copy !req
108. Super fans.
Randall.Copy !req
109. Somebody take a picture.
Come on, photo of this.Copy !req
110. Okay, let's take
a silly one.Copy !req
111. Okay, okay.
All right.Copy !req
112. Piercinald Anastasia Hawthorne.Copy !req
113. Father.Copy !req
114. We need to talk, boy.Copy !req
115. Um—Copy !req
116. Gentlemen.Copy !req
117. You are here because you
have been selected as candidatesCopy !req
118. for the Greendale Air
Conditioning Repair School.Copy !req
119. But why kidnap you?Copy !req
120. Why put a sack over your headCopy !req
121. and drag you here
in the middle of the night?Copy !req
122. Why is there an astronaut
in the corner making paninis?Copy !req
123. Simple, we don't want you
to tell anyone about this.Copy !req
124. And if you do, we don't want
them believing you.Copy !req
125. Isn't that right,
Black Hitler?Copy !req
126. Your initiationCopy !req
127. beginsCopy !req
128. now, gentlemen.Copy !req
129. Hey, guys,
I'm looking for Troy.Copy !req
130. He said he's fine,
but couldn't say where he is.Copy !req
131. Do you think
he's been kidnapped?Copy !req
132. Usually one of the parents,Copy !req
133. and almost always ends
in murder-suicide.Copy !req
134. Why are you smiling?
I'm smiling?Copy !req
135. If you see him, tell him
Jerry's looking for him.Copy !req
136. Jeff, what're you gonna wear
to Pierce's party?Copy !req
137. Nothing.
Ooh. They'll love that.Copy !req
138. Ha, ha. I mean,
I'm not going,Copy !req
139. and I can't believe
you're supporting it.Copy !req
140. Everybody, this is my father,
Cornelius Hawthorne.Copy !req
141. Oh. I always assumed
your father was dead.Copy !req
142. Just mathematically.Copy !req
143. Mom liked to pretend
that was the case.Copy !req
144. These your friends, Pierce?
Hello.Copy !req
145. Minorities, Jewesses,
and the unseasonably tan?Copy !req
146. That is inappropriate.Copy !req
147. And maybe you'll give that
more weight since I'm white.Copy !req
148. You've got a wide brow.
What are you, Scandinavian?Copy !req
149. Yeah, Swedish.Copy !req
150. Swedish dogs.
Your blood is taintedCopy !req
151. by generations of race-mixing
with Laplanders.Copy !req
152. You're basically Finns.Copy !req
153. Goodness,
he's like the Abed of racism.Copy !req
154. Since no one's asking,
what's going on with your hair?Copy !req
155. Ordinary toupee hair
is harvestedCopy !req
156. from heads of
the godless Oriental.Copy !req
157. Solid ivory
is the only wayCopy !req
158. to be assured
of true follicular purityCopy !req
159. while identifying myself
as a man of means.Copy !req
160. I can excuse racism, but I draw
the line at animal cruelty.Copy !req
161. You excuse racism?
What brings you here?Copy !req
162. It's not for your son's party.Copy !req
163. Unless "segregationist mummy"
is a gay fetish.Copy !req
164. Actually, after discussing
with my father, the party's off,Copy !req
165. and we're canceling
Pride Wipes.Copy !req
166. Stand up straight when talking
to the lower classes.Copy !req
167. Now, excuse me, I need to go
find a half-decent ivory bufferCopy !req
168. in this two-horse town.Copy !req
169. Oh, the party's canceled?
I bought a cone bra.Copy !req
170. Piercinald, please tell meCopy !req
171. you did not cancel
because of your father.Copy !req
172. It's a business decision, Jeff.
I took a look at the numbers,Copy !req
173. had someone explain them,
and this is the way we're going.Copy !req
174. You said Pierce's idea was dumb.
Before it was oppressed by—Copy !req
175. A father?
A homophobe.Copy !req
176. This isn't about fathers.Copy !req
177. This is about
a long-suffering communityCopy !req
178. with constitutional rightCopy !req
179. to wipe whoever
and whatever they want.Copy !req
180. If you like gay people so much,
why don't you marry them?Copy !req
181. This is so Edible.Copy !req
182. Britta, you'll make
a terrible therapist.Copy !req
183. If you need to talk to someone,
I don't recommend you.Copy !req
184. That how your dad
talked to your mom?Copy !req
185. That's how
he talked to yours.Copy !req
186. How does that make you feel?
Shut up.Copy !req
187. Jeffrey!Copy !req
188. Ah. I was sad when Pierce said
he was canceling the party.Copy !req
189. I was so happy when
you said it was back on.Copy !req
190. Yeah, he's busy with his dad,Copy !req
191. but I knew how much
it meant to him.Copy !req
192. I throw a pretty gay party, huh?Copy !req
193. Yeah, it's great, if you're
into that kind of thing.Copy !req
194. Time to mingle.Copy !req
195. What the hell is this?Copy !req
196. Gay bash,
courtesy of Hawthorne Wipes.Copy !req
197. I canceled this.
And I uncanceled it.Copy !req
198. My dad's gonna disown me.Copy !req
199. Oh, no, you'll be
free of him forever.Copy !req
200. You'll never have
to cower at his voice,Copy !req
201. or shudder when
you see an elephant.Copy !req
202. You're welcome, Pierce.Copy !req
203. I did what you never
had the guts to do.Copy !req
204. Britta was right.
You resent my fatherCopy !req
205. because you've got
problems with your own.Copy !req
206. Everything you said
just sounded like a fog horn.Copy !req
207. Then have your big gay party.Copy !req
208. I'm out of here.Copy !req
209. Pierce, have one drink.Copy !req
210. You're gonna wanna see
the guest of honor.Copy !req
211. Pull the cord, fellas.Copy !req
212. Pierce, Pierce, Pierce!Copy !req
213. Well, maybe just one drink.Copy !req
214. Done.Copy !req
215. Mr. Barnes,Copy !req
216. walk with me.Copy !req
217. Mr. Barnes,
air-conditioning repairCopy !req
218. is an elite worldwide familyCopy !req
219. dating back to the very
beginnings of civilizations.Copy !req
220. Our predecessors were slaves,Copy !req
221. fanning the pharaohs
with palm fronds.Copy !req
222. Over time, we became expertCopy !req
223. at making our superiors
comfortable.Copy !req
224. We made it our business,
and along the way,Copy !req
225. we learned
to make ourselves comfortable.Copy !req
226. No more palm fronds, Troy.Copy !req
227. Now we are the pharaohs.Copy !req
228. Breath print approved.Copy !req
229. Feel that?Copy !req
230. Actually, I don't feel—
Precisely.Copy !req
231. Have you heard the expression
"room temperature"?Copy !req
232. Of course.
This is the room.Copy !req
233. This is the room temperature
room.Copy !req
234. I can't tell where the air ends
and my skin begins.Copy !req
235. It's incredible.
That's what we do, Troy.Copy !req
236. Incredible, invisible,
inbelievable things.Copy !req
237. We're an unseen, unknown,Copy !req
238. unvincible fraternity
of craftsmen.Copy !req
239. Graduates of this school are
guaranteed lucrative employmentCopy !req
240. for their entire lives.Copy !req
241. And I'm inviting you to join us.Copy !req
242. Will there always be paninis?
There is one catch, Troy.Copy !req
243. Once you're in,Copy !req
244. you're in.Copy !req
245. Air-conditioning repair
will be your life.Copy !req
246. A life of secrets you'll be
unable to share with outsiders.Copy !req
247. You will be an
air-conditioning repairmanCopy !req
248. and nothing elseCopy !req
249. until the day you die.Copy !req
250. I don't expect you
to make a decision now.Copy !req
251. Take 24 hours.Copy !req
252. Breath print approved.
Cool.Copy !req
253. I can't feel my pants.Copy !req
254. Go, Pierce. Go, Pierce.
It's your birthday.Copy !req
255. Congratulations. You got Pierce
to symbolically kill his fatherCopy !req
256. by dancing to club music.Copy !req
257. You should be happy about this.Copy !req
258. Pierce is becoming
more tolerant,Copy !req
259. and it has nothing to do
with his father.Copy !req
260. Look at me now, Dad.Copy !req
261. Yeah, look at me now, Dad.Copy !req
262. Look at me now, Dad.Copy !req
263. Look at me now, Dad.
Look at me now, Dad.Copy !req
264. Where you been?
Not allowed to say.Copy !req
265. Are you Superman?
No.Copy !req
266. Would you tell me if you were?Copy !req
267. I never understood
why he cared who knew.Copy !req
268. This is the hottest party
we've ever had.Copy !req
269. It's pretty dope.Copy !req
270. No, I mean,
it's dangerously hot.Copy !req
271. Our air-conditioning systemCopy !req
272. wasn't built
for this gay a party.Copy !req
273. I'll take a look.Copy !req
274. Tron?
What's Tron?Copy !req
275. Ooh!Copy !req
276. Man, this party's
a real sausage fest.Copy !req
277. I knew it.
Knew what?Copy !req
278. Don't play dumb with me.Copy !req
279. Did they promise you
the life of your dreams?Copy !req
280. You can have all that
as a plumber too.Copy !req
281. Why do you hate them so much?
They're elitist.Copy !req
282. They make everybody think
that they're special.Copy !req
283. Because the truth is
they're not.Copy !req
284. I have a gift. I'm special.
I'm not a loser like you.Copy !req
285. I'm gonna eat spaceman paninis
with Black HitlerCopy !req
286. and there's nothing
you can do about it!Copy !req
287. Wow, you seem
to be enjoying yourself.Copy !req
288. I've gotta say, I don't know why
the word "gay" means "dumb."Copy !req
289. These guys are all right.Copy !req
290. Pierce Hawthorne, get your fine,
gay-loving ass up hereCopy !req
291. and say something to your fans.
Come on!Copy !req
292. If I tell you something,
will you keep it a secret?Copy !req
293. Secret handshake.
Secret.Copy !req
294. I said I can't talk to youCopy !req
295. about what's going on,
but I can talk to myself.Copy !req
296. Can you pretend to be me?Copy !req
297. I like football,
but also I don't.Copy !req
298. I can't choose between
air conditioning and plumbing.Copy !req
299. I know, it's so hard, right?
Let's ask Abed.Copy !req
300. Now you be me.Copy !req
301. What should I do?Copy !req
302. I don't know,
but Harrison Ford might.Copy !req
303. Don't get cocky, kid.Copy !req
304. This isn't working.
Abed, tell me what to do.Copy !req
305. Plumbing and air conditioning
seem identical.Copy !req
306. They're not. They couldn't be
more or less identical.Copy !req
307. Well, what do you
feel like doing?Copy !req
308. Honestly, I feel like
watching TV with you.Copy !req
309. They're making me choose.Copy !req
310. If I choose wrong,
it could screw up my life.Copy !req
311. If you have to, go with whatever
makes you the happiest.Copy !req
312. They're virtually
the same thing.Copy !req
313. I think I know
what I need to do.Copy !req
314. Don't get cocky, kid.Copy !req
315. All right, bitches!Copy !req
316. I just wanna say
this whole thing...Copy !req
317. was a huge mistake.Copy !req
318. Uh, Hawthorne Wipes
is officiallyCopy !req
319. severing its ties
to the gay community.Copy !req
320. What?
Effective immediately,Copy !req
321. it will return to being
a straights-only product.Copy !req
322. Fake heart attack.Copy !req
323. I taught him
everything he knows.Copy !req
324. So how long you guys been
on the force?Copy !req
325. Pierce, what the hell was that?Copy !req
326. That—
That was my boy.Copy !req
327. Standing up for good old
Hawthorne values.Copy !req
328. All due respect, sir,
zero respect for you.Copy !req
329. Typical Welsh nonsense.
But, Father, I—Copy !req
330. Wanna be like this guy?
He's wearing elephant bones.Copy !req
331. He will be what I tell him to be
because I am his father.Copy !req
332. Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper.
I could live a million yearsCopy !req
333. and spend every minute
doing important things.Copy !req
334. At the end of it, I would've
only lived half a lifeCopy !req
335. if I had not raised a son.Copy !req
336. This was a gift handed to you.
You squandered it.Copy !req
337. You have hatred in your heartCopy !req
338. is because you're
trying to fill a holeCopy !req
339. where your kid was supposed
to go. Now it's too late.Copy !req
340. Now you're just stomping around
trying to prove you exist.Copy !req
341. Well, mission accomplished.Copy !req
342. But here's a question
I'd like to pass on to youCopy !req
343. from every son of every
crap dad that ever lived.Copy !req
344. So what?Copy !req
345. I'm done with you.Copy !req
346. He's done with you.Copy !req
347. The world is done with you.Copy !req
348. Come on in. He's a Hawthorne.
This is what they do.Copy !req
349. He's faking.Copy !req
350. Pierce, listen,
I just wanna say—Copy !req
351. Did you know
that the Canadian mallardCopy !req
352. is the only fowl that bites
his father's head off?Copy !req
353. That is definitely not true.
I don't know.Copy !req
354. I looked it up
on the Wikipedia.Copy !req
355. Pierce, um,Copy !req
356. I just wanna say, you know,Copy !req
357. sorry for killing your dad.Copy !req
358. Don't blame yourself.Copy !req
359. He bought a lot of his organs
from questionable sources.Copy !req
360. Oh, here,
he wanted you to have this.Copy !req
361. No, Pierce,
you should take it.Copy !req
362. I'd love it.
But terms of his willCopy !req
363. state that whoever
kills him gets to keep it.Copy !req
364. I guess I'm up.Copy !req
365. "Father, I'll never forget
what you said to meCopy !req
366. "on my first day of school:Copy !req
367. "'Comb your hair, you idiot.
You look Greek.'Copy !req
368. "I'll never know
if that's true,Copy !req
369. "but I do know that I was too
scared to stand up for myself.Copy !req
370. "Well, I'm not scared of you
anymore because you're dead,Copy !req
371. "and I'm not.Copy !req
372. So I win."Copy !req
373. And you can suck it.Copy !req
374. Dude just told his dead dad
to suck it.Copy !req
375. So Edible.
You're the worst.Copy !req
376. Your 24 hours has expired.Copy !req
377. I need an answer, Troy.Copy !req
378. Are you ready to join
the elite brotherhoodCopy !req
379. who fix air conditioners?Copy !req
380. I'm sorry,
Vice Dean Laybourne.Copy !req
381. But I realize no one's better
than anyone else.Copy !req
382. I mean, some people
are better at sportsCopy !req
383. and there are magicians,Copy !req
384. but I was put on this earth
to do something else.Copy !req
385. So you're going to be what?Copy !req
386. A plumber?Copy !req
387. No, I'm not gonna be
a plumber either.Copy !req
388. Because they have
to deal with poop.Copy !req
389. My decision for now is
to watch TV with my friend.Copy !req
390. You're making a huge mistake.Copy !req
391. That may be, sir.
But at least it's my mistake.Copy !req
392. Doesn't change the fact
it's a mistake.Copy !req
393. Doesn't it?Copy !req
394. No, it doesn't.Copy !req
395. Sir, there was a malfunction
in the cafeteria last night.Copy !req
396. The Amana 5000
had a compound coil fracture.Copy !req
397. But it was fixed.Copy !req
398. Heh, heh, heh, very funny.Copy !req
399. Not even I can fix a compound
coil fracture overnight.Copy !req
400. But he can.Copy !req
401. Constable Reggie.
Inspector Spacetime.Copy !req
402. This isn't over,
Troy Barnes.Copy !req
403. It's only just begun.Copy !req
404. You know what?
I was wrong.Copy !req
405. You'll make
a very good therapist.Copy !req
406. And why is that?Copy !req
407. You really nailed Pierce
in that whole oedipal thing.Copy !req
408. The guy's got
serious father issues.Copy !req
409. Don't you think you may have
some oedipal issues as well?Copy !req
410. Not seeing the connection.
You literally killed a father.Copy !req
411. Yeah, well, not mine, dummy.Copy !req
412. Wow.Copy !req
413. Hey, Winger.
You going home alone?Copy !req
414. Gay!Copy !req
415. That was close,
Constable Reggie.Copy !req
416. Those Blorgons
had us dead to rights.Copy !req
417. What on Beta-Earth
do they want from us?Copy !req
418. The question's not what they
want from us, but when.Copy !req
419. Inspector, look out!
Blorgons!Copy !req
420. Eradicate! Eradicate! Eradicate!Copy !req
421. Unh.
Pew, pew, pew.Copy !req
422. Take that, Blorgon scum.Copy !req
423. How old are you guys?Copy !req
424. The question
isn't how old we are,Copy !req
425. but when old we are.
Ah.Copy !req
426. In your face, Blorgon twit.Copy !req
427. Pew.
Pew, pew, pew.Copy !req
428. What's up, girl?Copy !req
429. How you living?
Pew.Copy !req