1. Remember, you guys
can have dip, too.Copy !req
2. And don't be afraid
to play with theCopy !req
3. rubber spider!Copy !req
4. I'll ask again,Copy !req
5. are you sure
I can't bring anything?Copy !req
6. I don't understand.
We're having a party,Copy !req
7. before we're going
to the real party?Copy !req
8. I think you young people
are just making this crap up.Copy !req
9. It's a pre-party!Copy !req
10. It's informal, intimate,
and just for us.Copy !req
11. And I told you guys
you didn't have to dress up.Copy !req
12. Oh, we were wearing
this when you called.Copy !req
13. Yeah, when we dress up,
you'll know it.Copy !req
14. There's nothing in your playlist
but Spooky Party,Copy !req
15. the Beetlejuice soundtrack,
and NPR podcasts.Copy !req
16. Ooh! We could listen
to one of those!Copy !req
17. I have Michele Norris
interviewing Errol Morris.Copy !req
18. Don't worry,
they address it.Copy !req
19. Okay,
let's make this quick.Copy !req
20. I got three more polite
appearances to make tonight.Copy !req
21. What? I'm one of
the Fast & Furious guys.Copy !req
22. Which one?Copy !req
23. Oh, I don't know.
I don't watch that shallow crap.Copy !req
24. I just pick a costume
girls will like.Copy !req
25. Jeff, can I have a quick
conversation with you?Copy !req
26. Doubtful,
but I support the dream.Copy !req
27. Remember last week,
when I made you guys fill outCopy !req
28. those anonymous personality
tests for my psych class?Copy !req
29. Listen, if you dropped them
in another puddle...Copy !req
30. No, I processed the results
as per my assignment.Copy !req
31. And, Jeff,
one of our friends isCopy !req
32. deeply disturbed.Copy !req
33. Trick or dean!Copy !req
34. Don't forget to come by our
Halloween Scare-tacular danceCopy !req
35. starting in the
cafeteria at 9:30.Copy !req
36. Also, I had the lights
rigged to flickerCopy !req
37. because it's Halloween!Copy !req
38. It's been happening
for a week.Copy !req
39. Halloween week!Copy !req
40. So the lights will work
on November 1st?Copy !req
41. All Saints' Day... Month!Copy !req
42. I'm sorry, you were
about to get ridiculous?Copy !req
43. Look!Copy !req
44. One of the tests came back
with 70 out of 75 red flagsCopy !req
45. for an extreme
personality disorder.Copy !req
46. Extreme, Jeff!Copy !req
47. Ah! Like a Dorito?Copy !req
48. A sociopathic Dorito.Copy !req
49. A Cool Ranch lunatic.Copy !req
50. Only instead of zest,
Jeff,Copy !req
51. one member
of our study group hasCopy !req
52. homicidal tendencies.Copy !req
53. I think one member
of our study groupCopy !req
54. is an overzealous
psych major.Copy !req
55. You probably just Britta'd
the test results somehow.Copy !req
56. No. I double-checked them.Copy !req
57. Wait.
Are people using my nameCopy !req
58. to mean
"make a small mistake"?Copy !req
59. Yes.Copy !req
60. Let's make this party
fast and furious,Copy !req
61. in that order.Copy !req
62. Yeah, I want to go
to the dance.Copy !req
63. I heard the dean's got
free taco meat from the army.Copy !req
64. We can go
to the dance in a bit.Copy !req
65. But first, why don't we
tell some scary stories?Copy !req
66. Good!Copy !req
67. I'll start with a story
about a horrible fateCopy !req
68. befalling innocent people,Copy !req
69. and then I'm curious
to get individual reactions.Copy !req
70. Once upon a time,Copy !req
71. there was a couple
in a car in the woodsCopy !req
72. making out or something.Copy !req
73. I think I heard something.Copy !req
74. It's just the sound
of my heart, baby.Copy !req
75. Mmm.Copy !req
76. In the news tonight,
top story.Copy !req
77. An escaped convict
from the asylum has escaped,Copy !req
78. and he's mental and
he's on the loose and stuff.Copy !req
79. Oh, my God.
That sounds dangerous.Copy !req
80. Oh, I'm sure
it's no biggie,Copy !req
81. but I am a horny man.
I'm only half-present.Copy !req
82. He was last seen in the woods
and has a thingy for a hand,Copy !req
83. a hook thing
where his hand should be.Copy !req
84. You know what I mean.
That sounds dangerous.Copy !req
85. Fine,
I'll get out and look.Copy !req
86. But then
I'm entitled to sex.Copy !req
87. I'm getting stabbed
with his hook hand thing.Copy !req
88. Oh, my God! No!Copy !req
89. I was right!Copy !req
90. The woman was
screaming and screamingCopy !req
91. and the man got killed.Copy !req
92. Abed?
Yep?Copy !req
93. How did that story
make you feel?Copy !req
94. Embarrassed.
That's an odd reaction.Copy !req
95. Seems fair.Copy !req
96. What embarrassed you
about it?Copy !req
97. I didn't care
about the characters.Copy !req
98. Didn't care about them?
They put themselves in danger.Copy !req
99. They were warned about it,
the guy got out of the car.Copy !req
100. Do you believe because he was
stupid he deserved to die?Copy !req
101. What the hell
kind of party is this?Copy !req
102. From a creative standpoint,
some characters deserve to die.Copy !req
103. Ones that lack common sense
or basic survival instinct.Copy !req
104. It's not scary because the
characters are making choicesCopy !req
105. the audience wouldn't make.Copy !req
106. You need a smarter lead.
Here, like this.Copy !req
107. It's a dark,
cold night in the woods.Copy !req
108. We establish a traditional log
cabin, then cut to...Copy !req
109. Here we are,
a log cabin I rented so we couldCopy !req
110. be intimate in safety,
because it's not the '50s,Copy !req
111. so we don't have to neck
at Inspiration Point.Copy !req
112. That makes sense. I'm turned on
by how logical you are.Copy !req
113. I'm comforted by your shiny hair
and facial symmetry.Copy !req
114. Well,
I just brushed my teeth,Copy !req
115. so this would be
the optimal time to kiss.Copy !req
116. Enjoyable. Soft lips.Copy !req
117. Just the right
level of moisture.Copy !req
118. Would you like to do it again?
No.Copy !req
119. We should listen
to the news on this radio.Copy !req
120. I brought it
as a cautionary measure,Copy !req
121. because this cabin
is within walking distanceCopy !req
122. of the local insane asylum.Copy !req
123. Oh, is that why
you were able to rent thisCopy !req
124. at such a reasonable rate?
Yes.Copy !req
125. I hope you're as fertile
as I am tonight.Copy !req
126. More.Copy !req
127. Ah.Copy !req
128. Abed! Why are you doing
the whole song?Copy !req
129. They wouldn't turn the radio on
at the exact momentCopy !req
130. of the most pertinent
news broadcast.Copy !req
131. But I'll jump forward in time.Copy !req
132. What was that noise?Copy !req
133. Based on the news report
we just heard,Copy !req
134. I assume it's the hook-handed
killer, who escapedCopy !req
135. when the asylum's antiquated
security system failed.Copy !req
136. I guess they
shouldn't have cut corners,Copy !req
137. although it is understandable,
given the economic downturn.Copy !req
138. Should we go check it out?Copy !req
139. No. We should call 911
on my fully-charged cell phone,Copy !req
140. lock the doors,
and then stand back to backCopy !req
141. in the middle
of the room holding knives.Copy !req
142. I love you...
Shh!Copy !req
143. Ugh! Did these people
ever die or what?Copy !req
144. Eventually,
once it had been...Copy !req
145. earned!Copy !req
146. Well, Britta,Copy !req
147. it looks like you're
barking up the wrong tree.Copy !req
148. Yeah. You want to
hear a scary story?Copy !req
149. I've got a scary story.Copy !req
150. Thank you for pulling me
from that carriage.Copy !req
151. I don't know what could have
frightened my horses so.Copy !req
152. Many vile creatures
make these woods their home.Copy !req
153. Some even warn
of... monsters.Copy !req
154. I don't believe
in monsters.Copy !req
155. I believe every man
has good within.Copy !req
156. I must retrieve my books
from the debris tomorrow.Copy !req
157. I am a schoolteacher,Copy !req
158. and many children rely
on me to educate them.Copy !req
159. Be gone,
innocent one!Copy !req
160. What's wrong?Copy !req
161. You may choose
not to believe in them,Copy !req
162. but I am a monster.Copy !req
163. And I must feed.Copy !req
164. Do not judge me
for my weakness.Copy !req
165. Stifle your slackened maw,Copy !req
166. you drained
and tainted bitch dog.Copy !req
167. I'm fine with this.Copy !req
168. Ah!
Wait!Copy !req
169. Teach me to read.Copy !req
170. Aw.Copy !req
171. Wo...Copy !req
172. Sound it out.Copy !req
173. Word... Dog...Copy !req
174. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
175. hates cats.Copy !req
176. "O reason not the need!Copy !req
177. "Our basest beggars are in the
poorest things superfluous."Copy !req
178. Yes! Yes! Yes!Copy !req
179. You should be proud
of how much I've changed you.Copy !req
180. Thank you
for helping me,Copy !req
181. but I'm afraid
some monstersCopy !req
182. cannot change.Copy !req
183. No...Copy !req
184. Resist your craving!Copy !req
185. Just pick up a good bookCopy !req
186. and read!Copy !req
187. Your porcelain neck,Copy !req
188. in the light
of the full moon...Copy !req
189. Too appetizing.Copy !req
190. Unfortunate...Copy !req
191. For you.Copy !req
192. You see,
some monsters cannot change.Copy !req
193. But others can.Copy !req
194. What is this?Copy !req
195. I'm a werewolf that feeds
on selfish vampires.Copy !req
196. And she ripped
into his torso,Copy !req
197. like a gerbil shredding
a Quaker Oats box,Copy !req
198. sending chunks of visceraCopy !req
199. and an aerosol mist of blood
all over the skanky concubine.Copy !req
200. Then, she flossed her teeth
with his tendons.Copy !req
201. And, because
he was a vampire,Copy !req
202. he lived through all of it.Copy !req
203. He had to watch her
swallow his last eyeball.Copy !req
204. She kept it attached
to the optic nerve,Copy !req
205. so he could see
down her throat,Copy !req
206. to his own
partially digested fleshCopy !req
207. in her stomach.Copy !req
208. Hmm?Copy !req
209. Mmm!Copy !req
210. See? There was a twist.Copy !req
211. Wow, Annie.Copy !req
212. I didn't know you were
such a fan of... gore.Copy !req
213. It's Halloween. If you're
gonna tell a scary story,Copy !req
214. give it some texture.Copy !req
215. Wasn't that great.Copy !req
216. Well, your texture was so
discompassionately macabre,Copy !req
217. as if without the slightest
regard for human life.Copy !req
218. That's enough.
Stop pinning ribbons to her.Copy !req
219. Why does Annie get to be
good at everything?Copy !req
220. You guys wanna hear a real,
legit scary story?Copy !req
221. Hello?Copy !req
222. Is there anyone here?Copy !req
223. I need help.Copy !req
224. Oh, thank God.
An old doctor.Copy !req
225. Me and my partner
are top gun fighter pilots,Copy !req
226. the best of the best.Copy !req
227. Our F-15 went down
in the woods.Copy !req
228. I thought I heard
something awesome out there.Copy !req
229. Please, come in,Copy !req
230. for first aids
and what have you.Copy !req
231. Mmm, drinks from a stranger.Copy !req
232. So medical.
Thank you.Copy !req
233. Ah.Copy !req
234. Wakey-wakey.Copy !req
235. What's going on?Copy !req
236. This cabin is my lab,Copy !req
237. where I do weird
experiments on people.Copy !req
238. Look!Copy !req
239. No!Copy !req
240. Forced to be together forever!Copy !req
241. I sewed you together.Copy !req
242. I totally
sewed you together!Copy !req
243. Abed!Copy !req
244. Now that we're sewn together,
do we have ESP?Copy !req
245. Yes! We're psychic now.Copy !req
246. We can destroy him
with mind powers.Copy !req
247. Ow!Copy !req
248. You tried
to destroy us...Copy !req
249. But you only made us...Copy !req
250. More awesome!Copy !req
251. No! I'm legit jealous.Copy !req
252. Now you
are the subject.Copy !req
253. What? What?
Tell me more.Copy !req
254. We sewed your butt
to your chest! Ha!Copy !req
255. No!Copy !req
256. Wait.Copy !req
257. Ha! You fools!Copy !req
258. By sewing my butt
to my chest,Copy !req
259. you've given me boobs
I can touch all day.Copy !req
260. With what?Copy !req
261. No!Copy !req
262. No!Copy !req
263. No!Copy !req
264. No!Copy !req
265. No!Copy !req
266. Feet hands.Copy !req
267. What did I do
to deserve that?Copy !req
268. Keep me out of
your stupid stories.Copy !req
269. I didn't say it was you.Copy !req
270. I said he was a crazy, old,
racist doctor.Copy !req
271. Yeah, and I'm your crazy, old,
racist friend.Copy !req
272. I was, anyway.
Now I'm not so sure.Copy !req
273. It's just a story, Pierce.Copy !req
274. Yeah?
Well, so is this.Copy !req
275. Come back to bed,
Magnum.Copy !req
276. In a moment, girls.Copy !req
277. I'm just enjoying an expensive,
post-coital brandy.Copy !req
278. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.Copy !req
279. Whats we gots heres?Copy !req
280. This is a home invasion,
you jive mother.Copy !req
281. Easy, easy, easy.Copy !req
282. Nobody has
to get hurt here.Copy !req
283. Yeah, that's right, honky.Copy !req
284. You take it real easyCopy !req
285. and give us all your
expensive brandy and hubcaps.Copy !req
286. Okay, but...Copy !req
287. Whoa!Copy !req
288. Oh, man.Copy !req
289. You are still relevant!Copy !req
290. Oh, my God!Copy !req
291. Okay, I'm ready
for my birthday spanking.Copy !req
292. Which of you girls
knows how to count to 30?Copy !req
293. What in the hell
was that?Copy !req
294. That wasn't
even a ghost story.Copy !req
295. It was like an episode
of some showCopy !req
296. we're all too young
to have heard of.Copy !req
297. Fine! Then I chopped up
both your bodies.Copy !req
298. So that was us
and you were Magnum?Copy !req
299. Still am, Pakistan.
Wanna try me?Copy !req
300. Guys, I think these stories
are starting to get personal.Copy !req
301. And so needlessly violent.Copy !req
302. What happened to the days
when ghost storiesCopy !req
303. were about good versus evil?
Once upon a time...Copy !req
304. Aw, man.
My drugs are wearing off.Copy !req
305. Who's got more?Copy !req
306. Here you go, baby.Copy !req
307. All right, all right.Copy !req
308. That is my kind
of pot bong.Copy !req
309. Yo, Jango,
check it out.Copy !req
310. Swarms of locusts
and tornadoes of frogs.Copy !req
311. I don't care.
I lived in New York.Copy !req
312. Ugh! It's like
New York out there.Copy !req
313. We interrupt your metal
to bring you some news.Copy !req
314. All the good Christians
got raptured up to heaven,Copy !req
315. so if you're hearing this,Copy !req
316. the good news is you're the
coolest people in the world.Copy !req
317. Yes!Copy !req
318. The bad news is the world
is over. This is NPR.Copy !req
319. Aw, man.
End of days?Copy !req
320. Could anything suck
harder than this?Copy !req
321. Hell-o!Copy !req
322. Devil here.Copy !req
323. Just popping by with a little
damnation orientation.Copy !req
324. Here's the sched.Copy !req
325. At 10, you'll be buried
neck-deep in scorpions.Copy !req
326. 11:15, lava enemas,
followed by Pilates.Copy !req
327. Oh. That's good.
I like Pilates.Copy !req
328. Pilates is a demon
that eats your genitals.Copy !req
329. But first,Copy !req
330. stabby-stabby.
Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
331. For whom do ye cry out?Copy !req
332. All the good people are gone!Copy !req
333. Whoa! Look!Copy !req
334. It's our friend we used to
pick on for being Christian.Copy !req
335. Oh, she looks great.Copy !req
336. Aah!
A righteous wind blows!Copy !req
337. Off to Pilates!Copy !req
338. Thank you for
saving us, Shirley.Copy !req
339. I mean,
your name's not Shirley,Copy !req
340. this is a story
about strangers.Copy !req
341. Anyhoo, can you take us
to heaven now, please?Copy !req
342. Ooh, I cannot.Copy !req
343. I just came to say goodbye
on my way to Abraham's bosom.Copy !req
344. Bye.Copy !req
345. I forgive you.Copy !req
346. Gay marriage!Copy !req
347. And he chainsaw-ed
them to bits!Copy !req
348. Then he put 'em
back together.Copy !req
349. And then he chainsaw-ed
them again! Forever.Copy !req
350. Where was Jeff
in that story?Copy !req
351. And why was
my name Jango?Copy !req
352. Shirley, that wasn't
a horror story.Copy !req
353. That was a sermon.
You ruined a Britta party.Copy !req
354. That's like
letting poop spoil.Copy !req
355. No! Wait! No!Copy !req
356. No one can leave
until we figure this out.Copy !req
357. Figure what out?
Long story short,Copy !req
358. those psych tests
I made you take came back.Copy !req
359. Turns out one of you is
probably a homicidal maniac.Copy !req
360. That's stupid.Copy !req
361. I have a responsibility,Copy !req
362. as a practitioner
of the mental arts,Copy !req
363. to figure out which
one of you is sick,Copy !req
364. and get you
the treatment you need.Copy !req
365. You're a danger to yourself
and others.Copy !req
366. We've known each other
for two years.Copy !req
367. None of us are murderers.Copy !req
368. No, but one of you
has the potential.Copy !req
369. If we leave here now,
do you know what might happen?Copy !req
370. Britta, what are
you describing?Copy !req
371. What?Copy !req
372. Who has images like that
in their head?Copy !req
373. The same kind of person
that would make usCopy !req
374. tell ghost stories in order
to study our minds.Copy !req
375. I'm just worried
that one of you...Copy !req
376. One of us? You took
that test too, right?Copy !req
377. What?
What are you saying?Copy !req
378. Oh, my God!
What if it is me?Copy !req
379. Wait. This is crazy!Copy !req
380. We're getting freaked out
because it's Halloween.Copy !req
381. We just need
to settle down.Copy !req
382. I'll kill you!Copy !req
383. You don't want
to be barium-sulfated!Copy !req
384. Get away from me!
Stay back, psychos!Copy !req
385. Or I'll slit your throats
and bathe in your blood.Copy !req
386. Whoa! What has happened
to all of you?Copy !req
387. You heard
all the stories.Copy !req
388. Anyone here could
be a psycho!Copy !req
389. Thinking that
is what's psycho.Copy !req
390. Here, I have a story
that I think might help.Copy !req
391. Whee!
Cheers.Copy !req
392. Whoa, whoa. Wait!Copy !req
393. Before you do anything,Copy !req
394. tell us why
you kill people.Copy !req
395. Fear.Copy !req
396. I kill because
I'm afraid.Copy !req
397. Somebody, please,
give me a hug.Copy !req
398. Aw!Copy !req
399. Get in here.Copy !req
400. Love hugs. Love hugs.Copy !req
401. Let it out.
It's okay.Copy !req
402. You're welcome.Copy !req
403. That was the gayest crap
I've heard in my life.Copy !req
404. Yeah, Jeff.
What the hell?Copy !req
405. Why are you always so determined
to have us put down our weapons?Copy !req
406. Maybe he's a remorseless madman
with no empathy,Copy !req
407. who eludes detection
by manipulating others.Copy !req
408. Yeah, Jeff.Copy !req
409. Maybe we should go through
your test answers one by one.Copy !req
410. It doesn't matter.
I filled mine out randomly.Copy !req
411. Oh, come on.
What?Copy !req
412. You idiot!Copy !req
413. That was probably the test that
returned the psychotic result!Copy !req
414. Hmm. Maybe.
What kind of sociopathCopy !req
415. doesn't offer that information
an hour ago?Copy !req
416. No, no.
I'm no sociopath.Copy !req
417. I always know
what I'm doing is wrong.Copy !req
418. I'm just a guy that doesn't like
taking tests, doing work,Copy !req
419. or getting yelled at.
So if you think about it,Copy !req
420. that makes me
the sanest person here.Copy !req
421. Is this your test
or what?Copy !req
422. How should I know?
It's just a bunch of bubbles.Copy !req
423. Wait! Give me those.Copy !req
424. Why are the scores on the
bottoms of the sheets?Copy !req
425. They should...Copy !req
426. Britta, look at the arrow.Copy !req
427. You ran these through
the machine upside-down.Copy !req
428. She Britta'd it.Copy !req
429. Whatever. I'll run them
through again.Copy !req
430. And you guys are gonna stop
using my nameCopy !req
431. to mean "making a tiny
and understandable mistake."Copy !req
432. So we're all insane.Copy !req
433. Well, except
for this person.Copy !req
434. Is that one mine?Copy !req
435. We should probably
figure it out, right?Copy !req
436. If one of us
isn't crazy,Copy !req
437. it's only fair that
the rest of us know.Copy !req
438. Or we could hold on
to the comforting notionCopy !req
439. that any one of us
might be sane.Copy !req
440. Yeah. Okay.Copy !req
441. We learned an
important lesson tonight.Copy !req
442. We should never
make the BrittaCopy !req
443. of Britta-ing
each other's feelings.Copy !req
444. You're using it wrong.Copy !req
445. Wow.
You Britta'd "Britta'd."Copy !req
446. Yeah, way to pull an Abed.
I don't get it.Copy !req
447. Shirley, don't Pierce.Copy !req
448. I don't get it.Copy !req
449. Guys,
it's been three days!Copy !req
450. When are you
gonna let me go?Copy !req
451. At least say something!Copy !req
452. Guys? Guys!Copy !req
453. Should we let him go?Copy !req
454. Hmm, let me think.Copy !req
455. Nah. More brandy?Copy !req
456. Don't mind if I do.Copy !req
457. Mmm, that's terrible.
Should we get back in our F-15Copy !req
458. that we repaired
with our mind power?Copy !req
459. I was thinking
the same thing!Copy !req
460. I know! Jinx!Copy !req
461. Double jinx!
Triple jinx! Ha-ha!Copy !req