1. Look at us,
still together as a group,Copy !req
2. even, what, two months
after being kicked out
of you know where.Copy !req
3. Good thing I came up with
this idea for potluck dinners.Copy !req
4. all you said was,
"I'm hungry."Copy !req
5. All Henry Ford said was,
"I need a ride."Copy !req
6. Troy, is that a casserole?Copy !req
7. It's Bagel Bites
in a deconstructed
hot pocket reductionCopy !req
8. with a Doritos glaze. I really
want to make my food, you know.Copy !req
9. Did anybody
bring anything
that isn't poison?Copy !req
10. I need to eat
natural, organic foods,Copy !req
11. or I'm never gonna get rid
of this hangover.Copy !req
12. Jeff, what'd you bring?Copy !req
13. Pack of Life Savers.Copy !req
14. Sorry. Dead battery.
Where's Abed?Copy !req
15. Have you seen Abed?Copy !req
16. He's probably out getting
something really cool
for the dinner.Copy !req
17. See? Cool. Abed brought
delicious police.Copy !req
18. Abed,
what happened?Copy !req
19. Found him going
through the dumpsterCopy !req
20. outside the administration
building in Greendale.Copy !req
21. This cadet could
use a lesson in
intergalactic protocol.Copy !req
22. It's okay, Officer.Copy !req
23. He's just playing
a character from TV.Copy !req
24. Oh, yes, I'm very familiar
with Inspector Spacetime.Copy !req
25. You think a guy
becomes a copCopy !req
26. because his prom night
was a dream?Copy !req
27. If this were Comic-Con,
I'd take a bullet for that kid.Copy !req
28. But in the real world,
trespassing is a crime.Copy !req
29. We're sorry, Officer.Copy !req
30. Our friend has been
having a hard timeCopy !req
31. adjusting to
being expelled
from Greendale.Copy !req
32. It won't happen again.
That's for sure.Copy !req
33. I talked to
your former dean.Copy !req
34. I recommended
he press charges.Copy !req
35. He said he'd hold off
on the conditionCopy !req
36. you set an appointment
with this guy.Copy !req
37. He's offering to
foot the bill for
the consultation.Copy !req
38. Number for a psychiatrist.Copy !req
39. What? No.
Abed's not crazy.Copy !req
40. Where does the dean get off?
He's not the real dean.Copy !req
41. He's been replaced
by an identical life-form
for some nefarious purpose.Copy !req
42. Reggie,
to the Time Booth.
We haven't much...Copy !req
43. Space.Copy !req
44. I'll be right there,
Inspector.Copy !req
45. Hey, before I go,
you really shouldn't
be using thisCopy !req
46. to prop open
your building's door.Copy !req
47. This is
an antique fire brick.Copy !req
48. I'd say pre-civil war.Copy !req
49. Note the uneven orange hue
and the embossment
on the back.Copy !req
50. What a nifty little piece
of Americana.Copy !req
51. You could get 50,
60 bucks for it
from the right collector.Copy !req
52. I watch a lot
of Antiques Roadshow.Copy !req
53. Oh.Copy !req
54. Anyway, walk to your cars
in pairs tonight.Copy !req
55. Rape's up 8 percent.Copy !req
56. $60?Copy !req
57. Hello? Rich people,
Troy's joining you.Copy !req
58. Yes, I'll hold.Copy !req
59. Abed.Copy !req
60. I'm Dr. Heidi.Copy !req
61. We're going to have
a little chat tonight.Copy !req
62. How does that sound?
I don't need therapy.Copy !req
63. That's a perfectly
normal response.Copy !req
64. I concur with
Dr. Heidi's diagnosis.Copy !req
65. I haven't diagnosed
anything yet.Copy !req
66. Psych major.
Got your back, brah.Copy !req
67. I have to say,
I didn't expect
to see so many of you.Copy !req
68. Abed won't go to any kind
of doctor on his own.Copy !req
69. We caught him last year
trying to remove
his own tonsils.Copy !req
70. Why don't you let me
take it from here?Copy !req
71. You have to understand Abed.
He's usually adorable weird,Copy !req
72. like Mork from Ork,
but, since we got expelled,Copy !req
73. he's been creepy weird,
like present-day
Robin Williams.Copy !req
74. I'm not crazy.Copy !req
75. Well, Abed,
I don't deal in crazy.Copy !req
76. I deal in health.
Hmm.Copy !req
77. So how long has Abed needed
a crazy amount of help?Copy !req
78. All of this behavior started
after you were expelled?Copy !req
79. There may have been
a ramp-up.Copy !req
80. It's okay, buddy.Copy !req
81. A few minutes,
and we're good until spring.Copy !req
82. But it doesn't make any sense.
Think of it this way.Copy !req
83. We get the hour back
later in the year.Copy !req
84. Yeah.Copy !req
85. I rented Tower Heist
last night,Copy !req
86. I won't spoil the ending,
but let me tell you,Copy !req
87. it was quite
the hilarious thrill ride.Copy !req
88. That Brett Ratner,
he's a master at
comedic action-adventure.Copy !req
89. Mmm.
A master at storytelling.Copy !req
90. He's just a master
at making movies
in general.Copy !req
91. I'm gonna say it.
He's the new Spielberg.Copy !req
92. Oh!Copy !req
93. I have to go.
Excuse me.Copy !req
94. Okay.Copy !req
95. You're a bad person.
You're a bad person.Copy !req
96. Time enough at last
to eat a sandwich.Copy !req
97. Though even he knew
that this sandwichCopy !req
98. was nearer his last sandwich
than his first.Copy !req
99. Abed, I'm trying to eat.
He said, oldly,Copy !req
100. his brittle bones straining
to support the weight
of his wrinkly skin.Copy !req
101. Stop narrating me.Copy !req
102. He shouted to no one,
just a man alone in time
with nothingCopy !req
103. but the cold squishiness
of tuna salad
to comfort him.Copy !req
104. I take it back. I don't want
to be in your novel.Copy !req
105. Pierce had nearly lost
his grip on reality.Copy !req
106. Lately, he'd begun to think
he was in a novel.Copy !req
107. And action.Copy !req
108. Abed, what the hell
are you doing?Copy !req
109. Cut. We got it.
One more for safety.Copy !req
110. It's 4:30 in the morning,
and you're in my bedroom.Copy !req
111. Use that. Okay.Copy !req
112. And action.Copy !req
113. But that's almost completely
nearly all of it.Copy !req
114. If Abed is as sick
as you all say,
then I have no...Copy !req
115. Wait a minute.
Nobody in this room
gets to define sick.Copy !req
116. I do.
I'm a psychiatrist.Copy !req
117. Any kind of doctor
can really.Copy !req
118. Really?
Yes.Copy !req
119. If Abed's sick,
then we're all sick.Copy !req
120. Yeah.Copy !req
121. You can't determine
a person's sanity from
a few amusing stories.Copy !req
122. Exactly.
That's right.Copy !req
123. If anything,
Abed's more sane than any of us.Copy !req
124. Yeah.
Well.Copy !req
125. I mean, he's certainly
the craziest one of us,Copy !req
126. but, you know,
we're all kind of
crazy-town banana pants.Copy !req
127. Talk to me about
crazy-town banana pants.Copy !req
128. Look, we're just saying
it's been a crazy year
for everybody.Copy !req
129. Who among us hasn't
had the odd banana
in his or her pants, right?Copy !req
130. I have.Copy !req
131. How long
does peyote last?Copy !req
132. Just asking for a friend.Copy !req
133. What are you doing?
Nothing.Copy !req
134. Nothing my ass.
What are all these cameras
doing here?Copy !req
135. Here, take my coat.Copy !req
136. Oh.Copy !req
137. Thank you.Copy !req
138. That's so sweet.Copy !req
139. Just don't eat anything
or drink anything,Copy !req
140. and no sweating
or bending at the elbows,Copy !req
141. and no chairs
with backrests,Copy !req
142. and if you take it off,
wooden hangers only.Copy !req
143. You're probably
warm now, right?Copy !req
144. Good news, guys.
I spent all my money.Copy !req
145. You can't
bring that in here.Copy !req
146. Yes, I can.
It's all-terrain, dummy.Copy !req
147. I made a plate of cookies
for the group,
but my boys ate them,Copy !req
148. so since they took
something of yours,Copy !req
149. you all get something
of theirs.Copy !req
150. Elijah loves this,
Britta.Copy !req
151. There you go, Jeff.
There you go, Troy.Copy !req
152. Karate championship,
second place!Copy !req
153. Now I'll be unstoppable.Copy !req
154. Oy-ay!Copy !req
155. So you see
what you call insanity
we call solidarity.Copy !req
156. I'm sorry.Copy !req
157. We just finished
telling him about it,Copy !req
158. and you grab it
and squeeze it?Copy !req
159. I said I was sorry.Copy !req
160. Uh-huh. And so as a group,
do you always indulge AbedCopy !req
161. in these little
misadventures?Copy !req
162. Take that back.Copy !req
163. Our adventures
are very manly.Copy !req
164. I have to say
there's more importantCopy !req
165. to mental health
than a support system.Copy !req
166. And assuming that
this group is, for Abed,
said support system,Copy !req
167. I think
I've heard everything
I need to hearCopy !req
168. in order
to make a decision.Copy !req
169. I think that Abed
should be committed.Copy !req
170. You mean committed
to his character work,
right?Copy !req
171. Because he already is.
Show him your Don Draper.Copy !req
172. Cigarettes.Copy !req
173. No, I mean an institution.Copy !req
174. You mean like marriage?Copy !req
175. I mean
a mental institution.Copy !req
176. Ah. So do I.Copy !req
177. Will someone
please help me
lighten the mood?Copy !req
178. Please,
Mr. Dr. Psychiatrist, sir,Copy !req
179. please don't
send my best friend
to crazy people jail.Copy !req
180. Relax. He doesn't have
the right. Abed's not dangerous.Copy !req
181. He's unique, like a snowflake
who gets bent out of shapeCopy !req
182. when you mix up Star Wars
and Space Treks.Copy !req
183. Or a serial killer's
signature.Copy !req
184. I'm a psych major.Copy !req
185. His continued obsession
with GreendaleCopy !req
186. suggests the potential
for escalation.Copy !req
187. And these stories
you've been telling me
are very troubling.Copy !req
188. You're troubled?Copy !req
189. I don't remember any
of those things.Copy !req
190. Since when do these three
live together?Copy !req
191. Abed's obsession with Greendale
doesn't make him crazy.Copy !req
192. If you had gone to school there,
you'd be obsessed too.Copy !req
193. It was a messed-up place.
We had lockers.Copy !req
194. Yeah.
We're survivors.Copy !req
195. My name is
Pwofussa Wobinswin.Copy !req
196. Who's weady to wearn?Copy !req
197. Dean, this is not the way
to agree on parkingCopy !req
198. for the job fair!
It's inhumane.Copy !req
199. You have a better idea,
Britta?Copy !req
200. Yes.
Thousands of them.Copy !req
201. Vicki to queen 3.Copy !req
202. Neigh.Copy !req
203. That's all for today.
Read chapter four.Copy !req
204. Okay, we're
just gonna ignore that.Copy !req
205. Bananas?
Yes.Copy !req
206. Toast?
Yes.Copy !req
207. Bubble gum?
Yes.Copy !req
208. Pancakes?
Yes.Copy !req
209. Fries?
Get out.Copy !req
210. Get out.Copy !req
211. There's one every year.
I will not tolerate clowning.Copy !req
212. Car keys?
Yes.Copy !req
213. Okay, last bathroom break.
We've got to cram for...Copy !req
214. Excuse me, sir,
can we get to our...Copy !req
215. Slow your bones, Rufus.Copy !req
216. We got a long road
tomorrow.Copy !req
217. Welcome...Copy !req
218. To Ladders.Copy !req
219. Interesting.Copy !req
220. Eh.Copy !req
221. Just wanted to see
if we got the same thing.Copy !req
222. It sounds as though
this Greendale had
quite an effect on all of you.Copy !req
223. You should all definitely
stop dwelling on it
if you want to be healthy.Copy !req
224. Well, come on,
it wasn't all bad.Copy !req
225. I was there
longer than anybody,
and I'm fine.Copy !req
226. How are you?Copy !req
227. Why do you ask?
3:30.Copy !req
228. Uh-oh.Copy !req
229. What Pierce was saying
before he started
sundowning is true.Copy !req
230. We can't just pass
the crazy buck
to Greendale.Copy !req
231. It could be
a good place too.Copy !req
232. That really doesn't matter.Copy !req
233. We have a lot of memories of
Greendale being in our corner.Copy !req
234. Dean-a-ling.Copy !req
235. I wanted to tell you we ought
to be hot-stepping it outCopy !req
236. to the parking lot
in a brisk,
but orderly fashion.Copy !req
237. Is there a fire drill?
No, sir, there's an actual fire.Copy !req
238. I wanted you to be the first
to know before I tell.Copy !req
239. I know. It's not right
to play favorites,Copy !req
240. but it's not right
to sit on your feelings,Copy !req
241. and I don't know what I'd do
without you. Whoa. Okay.Copy !req
242. Fire, fire!
There's a fire!Copy !req
243. Darcy,
you've got a cold.Copy !req
244. I feel fine.
You're sick. Go home!Copy !req
245. Get out of here.
Get out of here.Copy !req
246. Get out of here.
Get out of here!Copy !req
247. I can't believe we got here
too late for pizza.Copy !req
248. Worst pizza day ever.Copy !req
249. Oh, darn it.
What am I gonna do
with all this garbage?Copy !req
250. Psst, it's me,
the dean.Copy !req
251. I pulled
the last six pieces
of pizza for you.Copy !req
252. Oh.Copy !req
253. Back to garbage detail.Copy !req
254. We have a few students
with birthdays today,Copy !req
255. but, hey,
why single them out?Copy !req
256. What about the students
who aren't celebrating
anything at all?Copy !req
257. Are they any less special?Copy !req
258. Damn it.
Out of slugs.Copy !req
259. Next time,
I'll put you square,Copy !req
260. you pickle-sucking
McGillycuddy.Copy !req
261. Why did you
save me, Dean?Copy !req
262. I know how important
paintball is to you, Abed.Copy !req
263. I wanted you to win.Copy !req
264. It's not important anymore.
I get it now.Copy !req
265. It just feels forced.Copy !req
266. You just enjoy
your prize.Copy !req
267. Free tickets to...Copy !req
268. To see Chicago
at the Greendale
Civic Center...Copy !req
269. With George Wendt and...Copy !req
270. Stefanie Powers.Copy !req
271. Lame!Copy !req
272. Okay. That was great,Copy !req
273. but you really didn't need
to go into it.Copy !req
274. You know
what occurs to me?Copy !req
275. What all those
great Greendale memories
have in common?Copy !req
276. I was barely in them?
They were all about Dean Pelton.Copy !req
277. That's what I've been trying
to make you understand.Copy !req
278. We weren't expelled
by the real dean.Copy !req
279. It couldn't have been him.
He loved us.Copy !req
280. Maybe we've been so concerned
with moving past Greendale,Copy !req
281. we've been living
in denial.Copy !req
282. It's true.
I mean, let's face it.Copy !req
283. We weren't driven crazy
by Greendale.Copy !req
284. And Abed's not the crazy one
for obsessing about it.Copy !req
285. Abed, we're sorry.
We haven't been
supporting you,Copy !req
286. and we haven't been honest
with ourselves.Copy !req
287. Dr. Heidi,
something weird is going on
with that school.Copy !req
288. Abed doesn't
need to be here.Copy !req
289. We need to be there.Copy !req
290. But there is no there.Copy !req
291. That's the problem.
That's why we have
to go back.Copy !req
292. No, you can't go back
to Greendale.Copy !req
293. Why? Because
it isn't healthy?Copy !req
294. 'Cause it doesn't exist.Copy !req
295. I parked by a meter.Copy !req
296. Any of y'all park
by a meter?Copy !req
297. Wait, what?Copy !req
298. What do you mean,
Greendale doesn't exist?Copy !req
299. There is a place
called Greendale,Copy !req
300. and you all spent
three years there,Copy !req
301. but it was
not a community college.Copy !req
302. These memories
that you people
have been sharingCopy !req
303. are a shared psychosis.Copy !req
304. You were patients
there together,Copy !req
305. you were released together,
and I am alarmed to seeCopy !req
306. that you are now
relapsing together.Copy !req
307. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.Copy !req
308. This is not real.
You're lying.Copy !req
309. Search your mind
for the real memories.Copy !req
310. Try to look past the trauma
you've been blocking out.Copy !req
311. What trauma?Copy !req
312. You all came
to this community collegeCopy !req
313. after your lives
had fractured.Copy !req
314. Pill addiction,
failed legal career,Copy !req
315. broken marriage,
lost scholarship,
old...Copy !req
316. Enough! I don't want
to hear mine.Copy !req
317. And if we were going
to fabricate a delusion,Copy !req
318. why would we fabricate
a community college?Copy !req
319. Ah, yes, this fantastical
community collegeCopy !req
320. where everything that happens
is unbelievably ridiculousCopy !req
321. and it all revolves
around you as a group.Copy !req
322. The same reason anyone
plunges into psychosis,
Miss Perry.Copy !req
323. It was a mentally-compatible
alternative to
your grim reality.Copy !req
324. Can you believe the secret
trampoline we found?Copy !req
325. I know.
It's so great.Copy !req
326. For Greendale!Copy !req
327. Charge!Copy !req
328. Come on, Leonard.Copy !req
329. Yow!
Ooh!Copy !req
330. ♪ Baby Boomer SantaCopy !req
331. Let's do a clip show.
Bottle episode.Copy !req
332. Don't forget the clip show.
Harrison Ford.Copy !req
333. Remember when we went camping?
Remember we painted the nursery?Copy !req
334. Remember when we
remembered going camping
while in the nursery?Copy !req
335. I'm a millionaire,
I'm an inventor,Copy !req
336. I'm a legend,
and I had sex
with Eartha Kitt.Copy !req
337. It's sad.Copy !req
338. Should we increase
their lithium?Copy !req
339. Not yet.Copy !req
340. I want to see what happens
if we confiscate
one of their pens.Copy !req
341. It's not possible.Copy !req
342. Mmm. You say
you started as
a Spanish study group.Copy !req
343. Do any of you
speak Spanish?Copy !req
344. You've attended Greendale
for three years,Copy !req
345. but don't community colleges
end after two?Copy !req
346. Everyone's always
saying that.Copy !req
347. The average community
college student attends schoolCopy !req
348. five to seven years. Many offer
four-year degrees.Copy !req
349. In your mind, they do.
In your mind.Copy !req
350. And you shared
this delusion
with each other,Copy !req
351. like that time those people
got into swing dance musicCopy !req
352. back in the '90s.Copy !req
353. And then
you were released,Copy !req
354. probably because
your insurance ran out.Copy !req
355. But the official story
is that you're now fit to
live within society again.Copy !req
356. You just have to
accept the truth.Copy !req
357. Wait.Copy !req
358. Give me a break.Copy !req
359. That made no sense.Copy !req
360. Yeah, it's me.Copy !req
361. No, I think
they bought it.Copy !req
362. I had to do a little riffing
at the end,Copy !req
363. but I was
pretty convincing.Copy !req
364. Well, if it looks
like I'm sneaking
out the window,Copy !req
365. it's just a symptom
of your deepening
psychosis.Copy !req
366. Don't hurt me.
Greendale doesn't exist?Copy !req
367. How long did you
think we'd buy that?Copy !req
368. I'm literally carrying
a Greendale backpack.Copy !req
369. I have 1,000 pictures
of the campus.Copy !req
370. I have children I see every day.
I have not been locked up.Copy !req
371. Get him.Copy !req
372. Why would you lie
to make us think
we were crazy?Copy !req
373. Because, Ms. Edison,Copy !req
374. Greendale is purgatory,Copy !req
375. and I am the devil.Copy !req
376. What?
I knew it.Copy !req
377. Stop letting him
make you realize stuff.Copy !req
378. These aren't
even good lies.Copy !req
379. I had to come up with something.
You were getting too close.Copy !req
380. Close to what?
To the truth.Copy !req
381. The Indian kid was right.Copy !req
382. He's Arabic.
Also Polish.Copy !req
383. I'm a fake psychiatrist,
not a fake ethnologist.Copy !req
384. The point is your dean
was kidnapped by Ben ChangCopy !req
385. and replaced with a double.Copy !req
386. I was hired to keep you
off the scent.Copy !req
387. Chang kidnapped the dean?Copy !req
388. Even for him,
that's insane.Copy !req
389. Is it?
Think about it.Copy !req
390. Whoo!
I said hot damn!Copy !req
391. Chang?Copy !req
392. What are you doing?Copy !req
393. I'm predicting future crimes.Copy !req
394. Now I'm sick.Copy !req
395. See, you said
that would happen.Copy !req
396. You are a pre-cog!Copy !req
397. Again.Copy !req
398. You're weak.Copy !req
399. Uh, guys, while we were
remembering Chang is crazy,Copy !req
400. the fake doctor sneaked away.Copy !req
401. Oh, crap!
What?Copy !req
402. There goes our chance
of clearing our names.Copy !req
403. Guys, forget about us.
The dean has been kidnapped.Copy !req
404. He's out there somewhere,
alone and coldCopy !req
405. and likely
trying to cobble togetherCopy !req
406. a sexy Patty Hearst costume.Copy !req
407. Britta's right.
Wait, what?Copy !req
408. We need to rescue the dean.Copy !req
409. We need to get back
to that school.Copy !req
410. We never need to do
another paintball.Copy !req
411. See, therapy does work.Copy !req
412. We're cured.
Aw. Aw.Copy !req
413. Sounds like
the study group
has gotten wiseCopy !req
414. to Operation Doppel-deaner.Copy !req
415. It's time for Phase Two.
What's Phase Two?Copy !req
416. Hey, I'm making up
the same plan you are.Copy !req
417. Pitches, pitches, pitches.Copy !req
418. Ah, thank you, Megan.Copy !req
419. Nights.Copy !req
420. Welcome back,
all you night owls.Copy !req
421. Why don't we open
the phone lines?Copy !req
422. Talk to us, lonely hearts.
We got Jeff W. calling.Copy !req
423. Hello?Copy !req
424. Hey, Jeff, what's your question?
Who is this?Copy !req
425. Great question.
We're us.Copy !req
426. You guys,
it's 3 in the morning.Copy !req
427. I'm trying to sleep.
I'm sorry to hear that, Jeff.Copy !req
428. Stay on the line.
We'll get your information.Copy !req
429. We'll get you
the help you need.Copy !req
430. Our next caller's Annie E.
What's on your mind, Annie?Copy !req
431. Hey, guys, long time,
first time, love the show.Copy !req
432. Aw, appreciate ya.
How can we help?Copy !req
433. You can shut up
and go to sleep.Copy !req
434. Well,
that's all the time we have.Copy !req
435. Until next time,
may your dreams be sweetCopy !req
436. and your nightmares
be "spooky monster" scaryCopy !req
437. and not "grandma died" scary.Copy !req
438. Nights.Copy !req