Community 2x7

Directed by Tristram Shapeero

Richard Erdman as Leonard • Dino Stamatopoulos as Star-Burns • Hilary Duff as Meghan • Andy Dick as Helicopter Pilot • Matt Walsh as Joshua • Molly McQueen as Tracy • Jess Adams as Jen

Abed endears himself to the girls after he offers to take down their enemies on campus; Jeff and Troy stumble onto a groundskeeper's secret paradise.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You're ready for the bus driver, Winger?

2. You know why they call me bus driver, right?

3. Because you been travelin' all day?

4. Because I'm taking your butt to school.

5. Nice.

6. Cool, I'm up.

7. Nuh-uh. Game's to 15.

8. - Since when? - Since you scored 11.

9. Sorry, Abed, I have to finish kicking Troy's butt

10. before I can get to yours.

11. See? All that angry talk about butts.

12. "Kick your butt. Stomp your butt.

13. Punch your butt."

14. Do they say, "punch your butt"?

15. Point being hatred of each other's butts.

16. Men play sports so they can seek out and destroy

17. their own sensitivity.

18. Oh! I never thought about it that way.

19. Do you think we'll learn about stuff like that

20. in our women's studies class?

21. Hell, no!

22. We're gonna find our roots in that class.

23. And stop defining our gender by theirs.

24. Well, I feel bad saying it,

25. but it will be nice to get away from the boys

26. and take a class with just us.

27. Amen. Or "a-wo-men."

28. Am I right?

29. Bring it in for a boob bump, ladies.

30. Uh... Nope?

31. We'll get there.

32. Hey, guys.

33. Remember last week when you were

34. playing with those remote control cars

35. and you thought you were real cool?

36. Well, turns out you're not.

37. Draganflyer, bee-otch.

38. Yep, uh, four propellers.

39. It's got a built-in spy cam.

40. 100 yards.

41. And it'll strangle your stupid cars' little butts.

42. - Pierce, we're in a game. - Yeah.

43. And we're really not into R.C. anymore.

44. What? It's... it's a draganflyer.

45. Come on, Pierce, man. This is a school.

46. - I can't control it. - Watch it.

47. There's a little pilot in there.

48. - It's not funny, Pierce! - Propellers are sharp!

49. Stop it!

50. Knuckle walkers!

51. Ahh.

52. Sorry, it was an accident.

53. So was the "y" chromosome,

54. but you don't see us throwing stuff at it.

55. Oh, ho-ho-ho.

56. Where you guys going?

57. Away from your symbolically invasive balls

58. to a women's studies class.

59. Which women's studies class?

60. Feminist representations in media.

61. - I'm in. - Oh, uh, Abed,

62. we kind of thought this would be something just for the girls.

63. Sounds like it.

64. I'd love to learn more about you.

65. I'll change out of my sports clothes and meet you there.

66. - Uh... - We... Um...

67. you just lost a game you just lost you just lost a game

68. with Troy ♪ - Uhh!

69. Hey, sore loser.

70. Yeah... Proud of it.

71. I want a rematch.

72. Hey, guys.

73. I raced here so I could save us four seats.

74. Thanks, Abed.

75. But... Annie can't see the board from this far back.

76. She lost her glasses.

77. I've never seen you wear glasses.

78. Yeah, I usually wear contacts,

79. but I couldn't find them... Without my glasses.

80. Which I wear.

81. Cool-cool-cool.

82. Are we bad people?

83. No. I love Abed.

84. But sometimes he can't take a hint.

85. We told him... this is a girl thing.

86. Ahem.

87. 'Scuse me.

88. We were gonna sit there.

89. Oh, uh, sorry. We didn't know.

90. But now we're sitting here, so... That's the problem.

91. You don't seriously expect us to get up

92. and change seats for you?

93. Well, if you're further in back, less people will see your roots.

94. Um... Excuse me?

95. Oh, the way you excuse your little moustache hairs?

96. Uh, you know what?

97. We're good people.

98. So we will find seats elsewhere.

99. It's called the high road.

100. I hope it leads to a salon.

101. You're back.

102. I've seen 'em before. The leader's name is Meghan.

103. Of course! Why name your daughter Meghan?

104. Are you stocking up for a bitch shortage?

105. Which one's Meghan?

106. The one with the hole in her sweater's armpit,

107. or the one whose tight sleeves are pushing her fat

108. toward her elbows?

109. No, those are her cronies.

110. So Meghan's the one with the crooked ears

111. - and no ankles? - Ha! Damn.

112. Sorry, I over-described again?

113. Oh, no, Abed.

114. Describe those girls all you want.

115. Yeah. In fact, what are you doing for lunch?

116. It's Wednesday. Sometimes I eat in Jeff's car.

117. Don't tell him.

118. Troy, where are you?

119. You would go this far to avoid a rematch?

120. Jeff!

121. What is this thing?

122. In my line of work, a multimillion dollar injury suit.

123. I thought schools got rid of these things.

124. I can't believe Greendale allows it.

125. Greendale doesn't.

126. That's why it's hidden.

127. Who else saw you come in?

128. If we say nobody,

129. are you doing to stab us with your bush scissors?

130. Of course not.

131. I'm Joshua.

132. And this is a place of peace and balance.

133. A place of nourishment.

134. A place free from darkness.

135. Because there's a trampoline?

136. There is something cool about being up here, Jeff.

137. I mean, at first I was just jumping, but then...

138. But then you started bouncing...

139. Like a baby on the knee of a goddess.

140. Yes!

141. Yes.

142. Jeff, get on.

143. Ah, one at a time, please.

144. I must as you to adhere to two simple principles.

145. First, for this place to survive, it must stay secret.

146. And second...

147. No double bounces.

148. Feet shoulder width apart.

149. Knees bent.

150. And just breathe.

151. At the apex of each bounce there is a moment,

152. outside of time, outside of words... Outside of everything.

153. A perfect moment. A silent moment.

154. I call it the world's whisper.

155. Wow... You're right.

156. And I don't mind admitting you're right, which is weird.

157. 30 seconds on this thing, and I already feel... Jeff...

158. You've been up there for an hour.

159. Yes.

160. Okay, Abed, girl in the pink... go.

161. Her forehead hangs over her head like a canopy.

162. She missed a belt loop, and her stomach spills over her shorts.

163. - Target destroyed. - What brutality.

164. It's called a muffin top, Abed.

165. Like a muffin? Clever.

166. But you guys said it's rude to focus on imperfections.

167. This the stuff I'm supposed to filter, right?

168. Absolutely, Abed.

169. It's just kind of a guilty pleasure

170. to hear it about... certain girls.

171. Like Meghan and her friends, because they're bitches.

172. That's nice. Uh, who needs a soda?

173. I'll get it... I'm making you guys so happy,

174. I want to keep it going.

175. Aww...

176. Okay, I love Abed so much.

177. I know, it's like he's one of the girls.

178. Uh, guys.

179. Yeah, do you mind not looking at me?

180. I don't know, do you mind that your face makeup

181. doesn't match your neck?

182. When I squint, you look like a circus clown.

183. Okay, I beg your pardon, geek...

184. I don't even know your peanut-headed ass.

185. You're right, we've never met.

186. Like your hair and dandruff shampoo.

187. Hoo hoo! Filet of Meghan, service for one.

188. Okay, Abed, let's get back to the table.

189. Yeah, Abed. Go with your skank.

190. Or keep going. Up to you.

191. Keep going about what, her uneven bra padding?

192. You look like you're smuggling a lime and a coconut.

193. - Ooh! - Go away, loser.

194. Good one... tell that to the stitching on your ratty panties,

195. or wear higher jeans on laundry day.

196. Damn, that diss made me snarf, yo!

197. You know what? You're dead.

198. You're bowlegged.

199. Bye. See ya.

200. Women of Greendale!

201. This cafeteria has been declared a bitch-free zone!

202. Yeah!

203. Can't tell you how great I feel right now.

204. I wasn't sure that you would take to the trampoline's ways.

205. Some can't.

206. And some are just natural jumpers.

207. See you tomorrow, Joshua.

208. We better bounce.

209. Whoa.

210. That's Sharice.

211. I had sociology with her last year.

212. She told me I walk like a dude.

213. That's awful! Abed, you got anything?

214. I might have something to say about those jeans she's wearing.

215. But you guys are sure it's not bad?

216. Bad isn't that bad when you're doing it to bad girls.

217. Yeah, and you're really good at it.

218. You're like a machine.

219. - Like Robocop. - Exactly like rowboat cop.

220. Sharice is a bad rowboat. Sink her.

221. Affirmative.

222. They're bad...

223. bad.

224. Hey... You dudes ready to shoot the rock after study group?

225. I'm gonna slit your butt's throats.

226. Nice catch, losers.

227. Go get it.

228. Sorry, Pierce.

229. We're not really into basketball anymore.

230. What?

231. What's up with you guys?

232. Why are you acting like that?

233. Like what?

234. Ah! Gay boots!

235. Lady boots!

236. He's a gaywad.

237. Are those as comfortable as they look?

238. They're like wearing a pair of dreams.

239. I'm sure your shoes are fine, though.

240. You know what?

241. They are.

242. Something's up with you two, and I want to know what it is.

243. Are you on weed?

244. Give me some... I'll smoke you two under the table.

245. Oh, man, I feel so good.

246. It's like the whole campus is a gutter

247. and we're just spraying it clean.

248. Abed, I may need you to come to the bank with me

249. to have words with a certain something at window four.

250. We'll take 'em down.

251. We'll take all these bitches down.

252. Ladies, are you okay?

253. Take it easy.

254. Um, did you just tell us what to do?

255. Here's the thing.

256. It's a little rule.

257. Maybe you're not familiar with it.

258. Nobody tells me what to do... ever.

259. Whoa, whoa, cowboy. I surrender.

260. Abed, did you hear that?

261. - Jeff a bitch too? - Yes.

262. - Take him down. - Cool.

263. Hey, Jeff, what's with the boots?

264. 2008 called to tell you that, even in 2008,

265. those were tacky. Oh, you go, girl!

266. Daaamn.

267. Hey, you guys, why don't we just all

268. take a deep breath and... Find some center.

269. Okay, that is it!

270. What are you hiding from me?

271. They're keeping relaxation secrets.

272. Tell me how to get this laid back, or I'll kill your families!

273. Okay, this place is lame.

274. Girls, Abed.

275. Toodles.

276. I'm watching you two.

277. 24, 2010.

278. These balls on your butts.

279. Quick bounce before lunch?

280. Absolutely.

281. Let me just make sure that Pierce isn't hovering around.

282. Coast is clear.

283. What did you see, my pretty?

284. Wait.

285. Back, back... freeze it.

286. Can you blow that up a little? Enhance.

287. Enhance.

288. Enhance.

289. Stop! That's it.

290. Blow it up.

291. There it is.

292. Um, excuse me, girls.

293. You're sitting in our seats.

294. I'm sorry. What did you say?

295. Oh! I didn't know you were deaf.

296. I suspected you were blind from the outfit.

297. Toodles.

298. See ya.

299. Wait a minute.

300. Why were you mean to them? Did they insult you?

301. No, but that top insulted our retinas.

302. Go, girl.

303. Bad isn't that bad when you're doing it to bad girls.

304. Annie, when you laugh like that, you snort like a piglet.

305. - Careful, Abed. - Be careful with your skin.

306. Your face is so puffy right now,

307. your eyes look like sewn-on buttons.

308. You need to check that attitude at the door, Abed.

309. You need to check the door before you go through it, Shirley.

310. What? What?

311. Abed, you cannot talk to us that way.

312. Someone has to. You guys are being bitches.

313. We're not bitches!

314. We were just joking.

315. If that makes us bitches, we're all bitches.

316. - Mm-hmm. - That's a good point, Annie.

317. You told him.

318. Affirmative. You're all bitches.

319. Nice shirt. It would look better on a girl.

320. Pick a bronzer.

321. You're not fooling us with that band-aid... we knew it's a zit.

322. You're all bitches. Triple bitches.

323. - Ohh! - Bitch, bitch, bitch.

324. Hey, bitch. Bitch. You bitch.

325. I'm a bitch. You're a bitch.

326. Pierce!

327. Ha ha!

328. How did you find us?

329. Draganflyer, bee-otch.

330. So this is the big secret, huh?

331. You two sneak out here and hang out on the big, gay trampoline.

332. Lower your voice, Pierce.

333. This is our place of peace.

334. Yes. And now it's mine too.

335. Mine.

336. Oh, this is great!

337. I wanna go higher!

338. Pierce... Please... You're doing it all wrong.

339. I wanna go higher!

340. Troy, get up here and double bounce me.

341. That's not how we do things here.

342. You get up here and double bounce me,

343. or I'll tell everybody about this place!

344. Come on!

345. God is my witness, I will tweet it!

346. Double bounce me!

347. Why are you doing this?

348. Double bounce me! Do it!

349. Pierce, that's enough.

350. I hate you.

351. I hate you!

352. Double bounce me!

353. Aah!

354. Father...

355. My legs! Ohh!

356. Oh, my legs, I... illegal trampoline!

357. They have an illegal trampoline back there!

358. Whoa, black jeans? Nice try, Michael Penn.

359. Those bangs aren't covering anything, five-head.

360. Pegged jeans. Sweater balls. Crows feet.

361. What's it called when your back hair

362. grows into your neck hair grows into your regular hair?

363. Look it up, because you have it.

364. Hmm.

365. Nice. Who taught you how to be a juice box? Hmm.

366. Don't worry. I come in peace.

367. And whatever medicated shampoo you're using

368. seems to be doing the trick.

369. Oh. What do you want?

370. To restore the natural order.

371. What are these?

372. Destruct codes.

373. Well, that seems a little excessive.

374. Joshua.

375. We were looking for you all over.

376. Where you going?

377. I got fired. I'm leaving.

378. Joshua, we are so sorry.

379. Don't apologize.

380. It's my fault.

381. Guess that's what I get for trusting some black guy.

382. What?

383. When you found the trampoline,

384. I thought the only way to protect it was to let you use it.

385. Guess it goes to prove what I already knew:

386. non-whites ruin everything.

387. Oh, my God.

388. Joshua was racist.

389. That came out of nowhere.

390. Did it?

391. A place free from darkness.

392. And some are just natural jumpers.

393. It's going to be a maze.

394. Maybe I just didn't want to believe it.

395. Maybe that's the lesson here.

396. Purity that demands exclusion...

397. Isn't real purity.

398. Maybe paradise is a lie.

399. Not exactly.

400. Paradise exists.

401. Right here.

402. For once... he's actually right.

403. Let me buy you some ice cream.

404. My white guilt is doing somersaults.

405. Worth it.

406. Ahh, paradise.

407. Hey! Horse-neck.

408. So... What's with the clothes?

409. I mean, you look like a toddler who got dressed in the dark.

410. Aww, snap!

411. Here it comes, y'all!

412. Look at your face.

413. It's like your mom was a lizard who got raped by a muppet.

414. And that burn was brought to you by the letter "s,"

415. as in snap!

416. What?

417. Too hurt to respond?

418. Uhh! That's right.

419. You don't have feelings.

420. See, the rest of us feel ashamed of ourselves,

421. so we act like bitches to make ourselves feel better.

422. But you did it to fit in.

423. And no matter how hard you try,

424. you never will.

425. Snap. Snap!

426. Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap!

427. Give it up! Ooh! Ooh! Snap! Snap!

428. Yeah! Snap! Snap!

429. Snap, snap, snap! Woof! Woof!

430. Abed, are you okay?

431. That was so cruel.

432. I deserved it.

433. I should have never been mean to anybody, least of all you guys.

434. I was trying so hard to fit in that I took it too far.

435. We took it too far.

436. We became the kind of women that we hate,

437. and we turned you into a monster.

438. The kind of monster that makes outlandish statements

439. about someone's weight.

440. Those kind of things hurt.

441. Even when they're not true.

442. And all because we were insecure.

443. Everyone is.

444. Even Tom Cruise knows he's short and nuts.

445. We're at the mercy of each other and ourselves.

446. That's why there has to be forgiveness on both sides.

447. - Aww... - Abed...

448. Oh, my goodness. What happened to Pierce?

449. Long story.

450. Men.

451. Yeah.

452. Damn it, Pierce, will you knock it off?

453. I told you, I'm not controlling it.

454. There's a little man inside.

455. - Hi. - Pierce!

456. Listen, I wanted to let you know, Pierce,

457. it's okay to exceed the recommended daily dosage.

458. And don't let anybody tell you different!

459. Who's going to be in charge of making sure he doesn't O.D.?

460. What? What... When did we start doing that?

461. Aaaaaaa Troy and Abed in the mornin'

462. and we're back with Greendale's

463. resident animal expert, star-burns.

464. My name's Alex.

465. Star-burns joins us with his pet turtle, Shelly.

466. Now, I understand Shelly can eat over five mice a day.

467. - That's impressive. - Turtles don't eat mice.

468. - What do they eat? - I don't know.

469. Pellets? I have no idea.

470. - That's disappointing. - That's not good.

471. Look, what is going on here?

472. I was studying for my econ midterm.

473. You guys walk in, you hand me this turtle,

474. and then you tell me to smile for the folks at home.

475. What folks at home?

476. - Ohh. - Star-burn...

477. These things give you salmonella, you know.

478. Let's go to Gary with a check on the weather.