Community 2x3

Directed by Anthony Russo

John Oliver as Professor Ian Duncan • Betty White as Professor June Bauer • Patton Oswalt as Male Nurse Jackie • David Jean Thomas as Chief Umbootu • Pat Crawford Brown as Pierce's Mom • Pat Crawford Brown as Pierce's Mom (voice) • Amber Lancaster as Christine

A death provokes a fierce debate about Pierce's religious beliefs. Britta and Annie are at odds over tactics in the Gulf oil spill fund-raising drive.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. What are you doing together, just the two of you?

2. We're gonna raise money for the oil spill.

3. We're making this display to show how serious the problem is.

4. Each drop represents

5. 10,000 gallons of oil.

6. I'm so glad this overshadowed Haiti. I didn't have any ideas for that.

7. Yay to having fun in pairs!

8. What up, party people?

9. You got a band-aid on your arm. You should be careful shaving.

10. I wax, dummy. This is from a blood test.

11. I knew it. Things are going too well for you.

12. No. Just a physical.

13. Even a Ferrari needs a tune-up.

14. - You guys moonshiners now? - No, just the two of them.

15. We're raising money for the oil spill. Did you even know there was one?

16. Yeah, I have the AOL home page bookmarked.

17. Did you know about the ostrich that raised the tiger cub?

18. - Troy, what's wrong? - I just saw a dead body.

19. I told you not to use the east stairs. My pastor said it's meth season.

20. You know I'm living with Pierce now, so...

21. I went to do laundry in the garage, and I found his mom...

22. dead.

23. Troy, that's terrible!

24. Well, she had been in bad shape for a while.

25. So I guess she crawled out there to die like a cat.

26. I've never been that close to a dead body before.

27. She was so cold and gray.

28. I saw her underwear!

29. Who died?

30. Pierce, we're so sorry to hear about your mom.

31. - Why? - Losing a loved one

32. is always difficult.

33. What? My mom isn't dead.

34. - But when Troy found her, he said... - Her heart, lungs, and brain...

35. stopped working.

36. And another way of saying that would be...

37. she's used up her organic body.

38. By... dying in it.

39. Wrong. She's alive.

40. Mom was a part of my buddhist church.

41. She's a level five laser lotus, same as me.

42. When a level five's body stops functioning,

43. it's vaporized in the temple of renewal

44. and stored in an energon pod.

45. In a few years, when our technology advances,

46. They'll extract her body vapors and recondense it to a solid state.

47. And before you know it, mom'll be back

48. making Troy and me sandwiches.

49. Pumpkin!

50. It's Okay!

51. Did you guys hear about that turtle in China?

52. Two packs a day.

53. - Feygnasse Team -

54. La Fabrique ::.

55. 2x03: The Psychology of Letting Go

56. Look, if you let me get to the can opener, I can feed you.

57. We have to do something for Pierce. He really thinks his mom isn't dead.

58. He's gone crazy.

59. er?

60. He won't even let us have a memorial service.

61. I was done with the collage.

62. He hasn't cried yet, and apparently, that's not normal.

63. Who's normal, Abed?

64. Baptists are, but that's not the point.

65. Everybody has some sort of service for the departed,

66. Eskimos, witch doctors, Jewish people.

67. We made the list.

68. The point being, death needs to be coped with,

69. not ignored, otherwise, why did mankind

70. concoct religions?

71. - You wanna rephrase that? - I'm sorry... humankind.

72. - You think you're real smart? - Guys.

73. Did we learn nothing from last Christmas?

74. I don't see much difference between his religion and the other's.

75. Then you're not listening, because his has lasers.

76. You make fun of me for not caring about religion,

77. but at least I'm dedicated enough to not caring

78. to let you have your own beliefs.

79. Can't Pierce have his?

80. Can't you be cool like me?

81. He ends so many of his speeches that way.

82. - Morning, guys. - Morning, Pierce.

83. - How's mom? - Terrific.

84. Her body's being vaporized as we speak.

85. - What does that feel like? - It's the greatest feeling ever.

86. Like the second when the fudge on your sundae is still hot

87. or when you're the first one to break in a new boob job.

88. Also, you're free from the burden of your earthly body.

89. - A burden. - Greetings, class!

90. I am Dr. Ian Duncan.

91. Now, I don't normally teach anthropology,

92. But apparently professor Bauer tried to strangle Mr Winger

93. and has been put on administrative leave with pay.

94. So... what is anthropology?

95. Seriously, does anyone know?

96. - You, in the boobs. - It's the study of humanity.

97. I thought psychology was a racket.

98. I heard there was a drunk limey teachin' this class.

99. I'm not drunk, and I can prove it.

100. I blew beneath the legal limit

101. - just this morning. - Reassuring.

102. Also, I would like everyone here to know

103. that this man assaulted me last year.

104. And I have a restraining order

105. So I can have him expelled if he comes within...

106. 25... feet.

107. Proceed, Dr. Teeth.

108. It is the single largest disaster

109. in recorded history.

110. It is worse than 50 Exxon Valdez spills!

111. You don't have to yell at us.

112. Nobody is on the other side of this issue.

113. And the pelicans are covered in oil.

114. Everyone likes pelicans. They bring babies.

115. - That's storks. - Right.

116. Well... we still like them!

117. Yeah, we do.

118. I'm gonna give you...

119. Another 20.

120. Thank you so much!

121. I'm here for my test results...

122. If you haven't framed them yet.

123. - Hi, gorgeous. - Jeff.

124. You have something very infectious.

125. - What? - Charm!

126. You got me.

127. Seriously, everything looks great. You're an incredible specimen.

128. Even your moles look like little hearts.

129. I would suggest, go see a doctor and get a prescription

130. for cholesterol medication.

131. It's a little high.

132. No big deal. Eat some egg whites.

133. But I don't understand.

134. Wait, did I accidentally tell you you have aids?

135. - I've done that before. - It doesn't mean...

136. I treat my body like a temple!

137. I can't be the first person to tell you

138. that the temple doesn't last forever.

139. I mean, it's made of hamburger. This is a temple of doom.

140. And you know, like the real temple of doom,

141. it represents the inconvenient fact that all good things,

142. be they people or movie franchises,

143. eventually collapse into sagging, sloppy,

144. rotten piles of hard to follow nonsense.

145. I need to be alone.

146. You can do that by leaving.

147. Let's get goin'!

148. Those paps aren't gonna smear themselves.

149. There is no God!

150. Tell us how you really feel. Am I right?

151. Morning. Did you get the results of your blood test?

152. - I'm fine. - I figured.

153. Thank you for wising us up yesterday.

154. We were being judgmental about Pierce's religion.

155. But the fact is...

156. The fact is, everyone's dying.

157. And we all have these notions that we're the exception,

158. but we're as wrong as we are dead.

159. That's nice.

160. How's it going with the side project that just the two of you are doing?

161. It's great. I made $236, plus Britta's makes...

162. Well, all totaled, we're close to 250, right, Britta?

163. Greendale cares about this issue.

164. I don't think that's it.

165. - What do you mean? - Come on.

166. You know guys are giving you money because of the sexy schoolgirl routine.

167. - I have a routine? - Yeah.

168. You know, when you use posture as an excuse to stick out your chest

169. and you laugh at guys' unfunny jokes,

170. Pretending not to know that they have a sock at home

171. with your name on it.

172. That's me,

173. And if a guy wants to make a puppet of me,

174. that's hardly your concern.

175. Well, I just may be an outsider here

176. because I was never called to participate,

177. but it seems to me that Britta's upset

178. because she's raising less money than you.

179. I'm raising less money because I don't jump-start date rapists.

180. - Bitter much? - Say "Bitter much" Much?

181. Say say "Bitter much much" much?

182. It's not my fault. I used to wear a back brace.

183. That's why.

184. What's with the lava lamp?

185. It's not a lava lamp. It's my mom.

186. Snap!

187. Wait... what?

188. The temple finished vaporizing her.

189. This is mom's energon pod.

190. And her vapor in those bubbles.

191. - I'm sure that was free, right? - Energon doesn't grow on trees.

192. It's harvested by super bees in a Buddhist meteor crater.

193. Which is at the foot of mount sky mall in the sharper image valley?

194. Sorry, I overslept.

195. The sidewalk is more comfortable than it looks.

196. Drunk.

197. Shut up. So where did we get to yesterday?

198. You are drunk and stupid.

199. Actually, Ben, I do have a wee big of a headache,

200. so if you could just...

201. Isn't that interesting?

202. I have a right to be here.

203. You do, you do, and I do hope

204. you have very good hearing.

205. Bastard!

206. So, where did we get to yesterday?

207. We were talking about humanity,

208. which starts with birth and ends with death.

209. True.

210. All life ends in death, which we, as a species,

211. are cursed with knowing, resulting in...

212. Something.

213. Again, this is really not my field.

214. Professor, what would you say might be the difference

215. between a religion and...

216. A cult?

217. Why don't we open that question

218. to the floor, since I don't know the book for this class is expensive?

219. I would say a cult might, for instance,

220. sell you a tube of jell-o

221. and tell you your mother is in it.

222. Are we thinly veiling

223. a personal conflict and passing it off as a lesson?

224. 'cause if so, continue.

225. Reformed neo-Buddhism is not a cult!

226. It is a new way of looking at the world,

227. emphasizing empowerment.

228. - Like a video game? - Yes. Very much like a video game.

229. You gain levels, and at a certain point, you actually

230. can eat a ghost.

231. What? I wanna eat a ghost!

232. No, do not let him pollute your brain with this crap, Troy.

233. - It's okay to ask questions. - I have a question.

234. You said your mother went from a solid to a vapor.

235. People in your religion ever take liquid form,

236. like the creatures in the Abyss or children's tylenol?

237. That's a good question. Actually,

238. when Buddha returns, we all take liquid form

239. and merge into a shimmering

240. ocean of knowledge.

241. Which, according to scripture, tastes like Hawaiian punch.

242. If you're really curious, come to my church's open hive tomorrow.

243. You know, wine, beer.

244. Free credit checks.

245. - How much wine and beer per person? - Come on!

246. - We're having a con... what? - Excuse me. Is this anesthesiology?

247. Yes, it is. Just go with this.

248. It's really sad. Anything helps.

249. So just anything you could give would be...

250. I like need you to save the pelicans.

251. They're all feathery and pelicany.

252. I wuv them.

253. Thank you!

254. It really is easy to raise money when you sell out your gender.

255. I'm sure it's even easier when you're not standing next to this.

256. Jerk! You're stupid! Gimme money. I know more than you.

257. I don't know anything. I need boys.

258. Saving the planet makes my back hurt.

259. I obviously don't need guys for anything.

260. That's why I wear stripper boots during the day

261. and eat only celery and mustard for lunch!

262. - I never stop smiling. - I never start!

263. My sweaters keep shrinking!

264. I get up an hour early to ever-so-slightly curl my hair.

265. Yeah, you're both so different.

266. Skinny bitches.

267. Hello, billionaire boys club.

268. Mind if I ask what happened in class today?

269. You pulled 40 minutes of anesthesiology out of your ass.

270. Yeah, I did.

271. But, I meant your elderly friend.

272. Do you know how many times I haven't eaten a donut?

273. I do not.

274. How much I got teased in grade school for dabbing my pizza with napkins?

275. I've suffered.

276. I've denied myself. Because the rules said

277. if I did that, I would live longer.

278. But then, halfway through the game,

279. I get this little update

280. that it doesn't matter what I do.

281. I could eat powdered bran every day

282. while you suck down figgy pudding, and I still might die first.

283. It's unfair!

284. I want my donuts back.

285. I think you're being a little childish, and...

286. Hold on. I need to use my force field to prevent Chang from getting food.

287. Where were we?

288. The way I see it, while claiming to have no religion,

289. you were actually devoutly worshiping yourself.

290. And now that your god

291. has high cholesterol,

292. you're trying to kick Pierce's in the balls.

293. You're right. All I've been trying to do

294. is crush Pierce's faith to feel better about dying.

295. And...

296. And now that I realize that that was my goal...

297. I can really roll up my sleeves and get it done.

298. - There it is. - Thanks!

299. No, that wasn't what I...

300. actually, I don't care.

301. Hey girls, guess who found Buddha.

302. We're on our way to Pierce's Buddhist open hive.

303. But first I'm taking these fellows for ice cream as an apology

304. for questioning Pierce's faith.

305. Pierce says there's this 69th flavor I need to try.

306. I am excited.

307. Guys, my car's over there.

308. Guess what.

309. I'm not actually taking them for ice cream.

310. I am taking them to the county morgue

311. where I have confirmed

312. that Pierce's mother's very un-vaporized corpse

313. will be lying on a stainless steel slab

314. for all to see. Surprise!

315. Welcome to reality. Welcome to death.

316. - Have fun. - Good luck.

317. You are real downers. I can't believe I made out with both of you.

318. I'll check the basket.

319. Sorry. I almost arched my back a little. I know you hate that.

320. No, I should count it. Since I'm a calculating bitch.

321. No, I should, since I'm the one who's whoring out our gender!

322. Give that back to me. I'm gonna count it!

323. - Let go! - Gimme that!

324. Think this is funny?

325. Now, this is why I came to america.

326. Maybe we should listen to some music.

327. No problem. I brought the jam book from the Pierce mobile.

328. I could play some of the old stuff, but you guys would make fun of me.

329. So...

330. I'll throw ya... a bone and put in some logins.

331. This ice cream place is far.

332. Trust me. It's worth it.

333. What's this?

334. This is mom's handwriting.

335. Is that what you were doing in the garage, you silly goose?

336. She spent her last moments alive

337. making a CD?

338. That's gangster!

339. Pierce,

340. you found the CD, Which means...

341. I'm dead.

342. - Vaporized. - I'm not vaporized.

343. I'm gone, Pierce.

344. Gone forever and...

345. That's how I like it.

346. Life is only worth a damn because it's short.

347. It's designed to be consumed,

348. used, spent, lived,

349. felt.

350. We're supposed to fill it with every mistake

351. and miracle we can manage.

352. And then we're supposed to let go.

353. I can't force you to do that for yourself, Pierce.

354. But you can't force me to stay.

355. And if you unscrew the top

356. of that stupid thing, you'll see it was made in china.

357. I love you, son.

358. Good-bye.

359. I'll play myself out.

360. Well, that proves one thing.

361. That woman was really losing her marbles toward the end.

362. You... seriously still think she's in there?

363. Why wouldn't I?

364. No reason.

365. So... where's this ice cream place?

366. You know, the... I think

367. I actually saw a better one back there. The place I was gonna take you was...

368. kinda depressing.

369. Can we get a little more sawdust

370. on that storm gutter? Thank you!

371. - I'm sorry... - I'm sorry too.

372. I just got jealous of you.

373. No, but you totally called me on what I was doing, and...

374. I only kissed Jeff 'cause I wanted to see if I could do it,

375. I wanna be cool and sexy like you. I can't believe how gross I am.

376. I only slept with Jeff because I hate myself,

377. And that's why I got after you for raising money. I'm twice as gross.

378. And you know the reason

379. that we raised more money in five minutes of oil wrestling

380. than we did in two days of fund raising?

381. Because... men are even grosser?

382. And when we forget that, they win.

383. Yeah. All right.

384. Yeah, do it.

385. So you got actual ice cream.

386. Yeah. With peanut butter and hot fudge.

387. What the hell, right? Nobody lives forever.

388. No offense.

389. Nah, think what you want. It's a free country.

390. I barely saw you this week, Abed. What have you been up to?

391. Not much.

392. What? Busted! 25 feet!

393. Which puts you in violation

394. of this restraining order I filed against you

395. for abusing me with your restraining order!

396. Mutually assured destruction.

397. Well played, Chang.

398. Thank you.

399. That means a lot.

400. Do you mind getting a quick photo of me with the oily coeds?

401. - Center button. You're the man. - No problem.

402. It's not a projection.

403. It's the British that pretends to be Tom Berenger.

404. It was a mislead.

405. That's the whole point of inception. Subversion of reality.

406. He hasn't seen it yet!