Community 2x3

Directed by Anthony Russo

John Oliver as Professor Ian Duncan • Betty White as Professor June Bauer • Patton Oswalt as Male Nurse Jackie • David Jean Thomas as Chief Umbootu • Pat Crawford Brown as Pierce's Mom • Pat Crawford Brown as Pierce's Mom (voice) • Amber Lancaster as Christine

A death provokes a fierce debate about Pierce's religious beliefs. Britta and Annie are at odds over tactics in the Gulf oil spill fund-raising drive.

Request examples:

!req Community 2x3 [02:32]
!req Community 2x3 [Community 2x3]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Community 2x3 [10-11]; !req Community 2x3 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Oh, what are you guys doing together,

2. - just the two of you? - We're gonna raise money

3. on the quad to help with the oil spill.

4. We're making this display to show how serious the problem is.

5. Oh, yeah. Each drop represents

6. 10,000 gallons of oil.

7. Ooh! Oh...

8. I'm so glad this tragedy overshadowed Haiti.

9. I didn't have any ideas for that.

10. Yeah, to having fun in pairs!

11. What up, party people?

12. Oh, you got a band-aid on your arm.

13. You should be more careful shaving.

14. I wax, dummy. This is from a blood test.

15. Oh, no... I knew it.

16. Things are going too well for you.

17. Oh, no, no. Just a physical.

18. Even a Ferrari needs a tune-up.

19. You guys moonshiners now?

20. No, just the two of them.

21. We're raising money for the oil spill.

22. Did you even know there was one?

23. Uh, yeah, I have the aol home page bookmarked.

24. Did you even know about the ostrich,

25. that raised the tiger cub?

26. - Troy, what's wrong? - I just saw a dead body.

27. I told you not to use the east stairwell.

28. My pastor said it's meth season.

29. You know I'm living with Pierce now, so...

30. This morning I went to do laundry in the garage,

31. and I found his mom... dead.

32. - Oh! - Troy, that's terrible!

33. Well, she had been in bad shape for a while.

34. So I guess she crawled out there to die like a cat.

35. I've never been that close to a dead body before.

36. - Oh! - Oh, pumpkin!

37. She was so cold and gray.

38. I saw her underwear!

39. Jeez... who died?

40. Pierce, we're so sorry to hear about your mom.

41. - Why? - Losing a loved one

42. is always difficult.

43. What? My mom isn't dead.

44. But when Troy found her, he said that...

45. Well, her heart, lungs, kidneys, and brain

46. stopped working.

47. And another way of saying that would be...

48. She's used up her organic body.

49. By... dying in it.

50. Wrong. She's alive.

51. Mom was a part of my Buddhist church.

52. She's a level five laser lotus, same as me.

53. When a level five's body stops functioning,

54. it's vaporized in the temple of renewal

55. and stored in an energon pod.

56. In a few years, when our technology advances,

57. they'll extract her body vapors

58. and recondense it to a solid state.

59. And before you know it,

60. mom'll be back in the kitchen making Troy and me sandwiches.

61. Ha.

62. Pumpkin! It's okay!

63. Did you guys hear about that turtle in China?

64. Two packs a day.

65. Community 2x03 - The Psychology of Letting Go

66. Look, if you guys just let me get to the can opener,

67. I can feed you.

68. We have to do something about Pierce.

69. He really thinks his mom isn't dead.

70. He's gone crazy.

71. Er?

72. He won't even let us have a memorial service.

73. I was halfway done with the collage.

74. He hasn't cried yet, and from what I've been told,

75. - that's not normal. - Who's normal, Abed?

76. Well, baptists are, but that's beside the point.

77. Everybody has some sort of service for the departed...

78. Eskimos, witch doctors, Jewish people.

79. Oh, cool. We made the list.

80. The point being, death needs to be coped with,

81. not ignored, otherwise, why did mankind

82. concoct all these religions?

83. - You wanna rephrase that? - Oh, I'm sorry... Humankind.

84. You think you're real smart, don't you?

85. Guys, guys, guys. Did we learn nothing

86. from last Christmas?

87. I don't see much difference between Pierce's religion

88. and anybody else's.

89. Well, then you're not listening,

90. because his has lasers.

91. Look, you guys make fun of me for not caring about religion,

92. but at least I'm dedicated enough to not caring

93. to let you have your own beliefs.

94. Can't Pierce have his?

95. Can't you be cool like me?

96. Hello?

97. He ends so many of his speeches that way.

98. - Morning, guys. - Morning, Pierce.

99. - How's mom? - Terrific.

100. Her body's being vaporized as we speak.

101. What does that feel like?

102. They say it's the greatest feeling ever.

103. Like the second when the fudge on your Sunday is still hot

104. or when you're the first one to break in a new boob job.

105. Also, you're free from the burden of your earthly body.

106. It is a burden.

107. Greetings, class! I am Dr. Ian Duncan.

108. Now, I don't normally teach anthropology,

109. but apparently Professor Bauer tried to strangle Mr. Winger

110. and has been put on administrative leave with pay.

111. So... What is anthropology?

112. Seriously, does anyone know?

113. - You, in the boobs. - It's the study of humanity.

114. Wow!

115. Wow. I thought psychology was a racket.

116. Well, well.

117. I heard there was a drunk limey

118. teachin' this class.

119. I'm not actually drunk, and I can prove it.

120. I blew beneath the legal limit just this morning.

121. That's reassuring.

122. Also, I would like everyone here to know

123. that this man assaulted me last year.

124. And I have a restraining order

125. so I can have him expelled if he comes within...

126. 25...

127. Feet.

128. - Abed. - Yep.

129. Proceed, Dr. Teeth.

130. It is the single largest disaster in recorded history.

131. It is worse than 50 Exxon Valdez spills!

132. You don't have to yell at us.

133. Nobody is on the other side of this issue.

134. And the pelicans are covered in oil.

135. Everyone likes pelicans. They bring babies.

136. - That's storks. - Oh, right.

137. Well... We still like them!

138. Yeah, we do. Um...

139. I'm gonna give you...

140. - another 20. - Oh!

141. Thank you so much!

142. I'm here for my test results...

143. If you haven't framed them yet.

144. - Hi, gorgeous. - Jeff.

145. You have something very infectious.

146. - What? - Charm!

147. You got me, Jackie.

148. Seriously, everything looks great.

149. You're an incredible specimen.

150. Even your moles look like little hearts.

151. The only thing I would suggest...

152. Go see a doctor and get a prescription

153. for cholesterol medication.

154. Your cholesterol's a little high.

155. It's no big deal. Eat some egg whites.

156. But I... I don't understand.

157. Wait, did I accidentally tell you you have AIDS?

158. 'Cause I've done that before.

159. It doesn't... I mean... it doesn't...

160. I treat my body like a temple!

161. Well, I can't be the first person to tell you

162. that the temple doesn't last forever.

163. I mean, it's made of hamburger.

164. This is a... this is a temple of doom.

165. And you know what? Like the real Temple of Doom,

166. it represents the inconvenient fact

167. that all good things...

168. Be they people or movie franchises...

169. Eventually collapse into sagging, sloppy,

170. rotten piles of hard to follow nonsense.

171. I need to be alone.

172. Uh... You can do that by leaving.

173. Whoo. Okay.

174. Let's get goin'!

175. Those paps aren't gonna smear themselves.

176. There is no God!

177. Tell us how you really feel. Am I right?

178. Morning, Jeff.

179. Did you get the results of your blood test?

180. - I'm fine. - I figured.

181. Thank you for wising us up yesterday.

182. We were being judgmental about Pierce's religion.

183. But the fact is, Jesus...

184. The fact is, everyone's dying.

185. And we all have these little notions

186. that we're the exception,

187. but we're as wrong as we are dead.

188. That's nice.

189. How's it going with the little side project

190. that just the two of you are doing?

191. It's great. I made $236,

192. plus Britta's makes...

193. well, all totaled, we're close to 250, right, Britta?

194. Greendale cares about this issue.

195. Yeah. I don't think that's it.

196. - What do you mean? - Come on, Annie.

197. You know guys are giving you money

198. because of the whole sexy schoolgirl routine.

199. - I have a routine? - Yeah.

200. You know, the one where you use posture as an excuse

201. to stick out your chest

202. and you laugh at guys' unfunny jokes,

203. pretending not to know

204. that they have a sock at home with your name on it.

205. Um... That's me,

206. and if a guy wants to make a puppet of me,

207. that's hardly your concern.

208. Well, I just may be an outsider here

209. because I was never called to participate,

210. but it seems to me that Britta's upset

211. because she's raising less money than you.

212. Yeah, I'm raising less money

213. because I'm not jump-starting date rapists.

214. Bitter much?

215. Say "bitter much" much?

216. Say say "bitter much much" much?

217. It's not my fault. I used to wear a back brace.

218. That's why.

219. What's with the lava lamp?

220. It's not a lava lamp. It's my mom.

221. Ha ho ho! Snap!

222. Wait... What?

223. The temple finished vaporizing her.

224. This is mom's energon pod.

225. And that's her vapor in those little bubbles.

226. I'm sure that thing was free, right?

227. Energon doesn't grow on trees, Jeff.

228. It's harvested by super bees in a Buddhist meteor crater.

229. Which is at the foot of mount sky mall

230. in the sharper image valley?

231. Sorry, I overslept.

232. The sidewalk is more comfortable than it looks.

233. Drunk. Glug, glug, glug.

234. Shut up. So where did we get to yesterday?

235. You are drunk and stupid.

236. Actually, Ben, I do have a wee big of a headache,

237. so if you could just...

238. Isn't that interesting?

239. I have a right to be here, sir.

240. Oh, you do, you do,

241. and I do hope you have very good hearing.

242. Bastard!

243. So, where did we get to yesterday?

244. We were talking about humanity,

245. which starts with birth and ends with death.

246. True.

247. All life ends in death, which we, as a species,

248. are cursed with knowing, resulting in...

249. Something.

250. Again, this is really not my field.

251. Professor, what would you say

252. might be the difference between

253. a religion and... a cult?

254. Why don't we open that question to the floor,

255. since I don't know

256. and the book for this class is expensive?

257. Well, I would say a cult might, for instance,

258. sell you a tube of Jell-O

259. and tell you your mother is in it.

260. - Jeffrey! - I see... Are we thinly veiling

261. a personal conflict and passing it off as a lesson?

262. 'Cause if so, please continue.

263. Reformed neo-buddhism is not a cult!

264. It is a new way of looking at the world,

265. emphasizing empowerment.

266. - Like a video game? - Yes, Troy.

267. Very much like a video game.

268. You gain levels, and at a certain point,

269. you actually can eat a ghost.

270. What? I wanna eat a ghost!

271. No. No, do not let him pollute your brain

272. with this crap, Troy.

273. - It's okay to ask questions. - I have a question.

274. You said your mother went from a solid to a vapor.

275. Do people in your religion ever take liquid form,

276. like the creatures in the abyss

277. or children's Tylenol?

278. That's a good question.

279. Actually, when Buddha returns,

280. we all take liquid form

281. and merge into a shimmering ocean of knowledge.

282. Which, according to scripture, tastes like Hawaiian Punch.

283. I do like Hawaiian Punch.

284. Hey, if you're really curious,

285. come to my church's open hive tomorrow.

286. You know, wine, beer, free credit checks.

287. How much wine and beer per person?

288. - Oh, come on! - We're having a con... What?

289. Excuse me. Is this anesthesiology?

290. Yes. Yes, it is.

291. Just go with this.

292. It's really sad. Anything helps.

293. So just anything you could give would be...

294. Hey!

295. I like need you to save the pelicans.

296. They're all feathery and pelicany.

297. I wuv them.

298. Thank you!

299. Wow. It really is easy to raise money

300. when you sell out your gender.

301. I'm sure it's even easier

302. when you're not standing next to this.

303. Hey, jerk! You're stupid!

304. Gimme money. I know more than you.

305. Oh, I don't know anything.

306. I need boys.

307. Saving the planet makes my back hurt.

308. Oh, I obviously don't need guys for anything.

309. That's why I wear stripper boots during the day

310. and eat only celery and mustard for lunch!

311. - Oh, I never stop smiling. - I never start!

312. My sweaters keep shrinking!

313. I get up an hour early to ever-so-slightly curl my hair.

314. Yeah, you're both so different.

315. Skinny bitches.

316. Hello, Billionaire Boys Club.

317. Mind if I ask what happened in class today?

318. You pulled 40 minutes of anesthesiology out of your ass.

319. Yeah, I did.

320. But, uh, I meant your elderly friend.

321. Do you know how many times I haven't eaten a donut?

322. - I do not. - How much I got teased

323. in grade school for dabbing my pizza with napkins?

324. I've suffered.

325. - I've denied myself. - Mm-hmm.

326. Because the rules said if I did that,

327. I would live longer.

328. But then, halfway through the game,

329. I get this little update that it doesn't matter what I do.

330. I could eat powdered bran every day

331. while you suck down figgy pudding,

332. and I still might die first.

333. It's unfair! I want my donuts back.

334. Well, I think you're being a little childish, and...

335. Hold on a sec. I need to use my force field

336. to prevent Chang from getting food.

337. Now, where were we? Look...

338. The way I see it, while claiming to have no religion,

339. you were actually devoutly worshipping yourself.

340. And now that your God has high cholesterol,

341. you're trying to kick Pierce's in the balls.

342. You're right.

343. All I've been trying to do is crush Pierce's faith

344. to feel better about dying.

345. And...

346. And now that I realize that that was my goal...

347. Mm-hmm?

348. I can really roll up my sleeves

349. and get it done.

350. - There it is. - Thank you!

351. You're welcome.

352. No, that wasn't what I... Actually, I don't care.

353. He girls, guess who found Buddha.

354. - Hey. - Hi.

355. We're on our way to Pierce's buddhist open hive.

356. But first I'm taking these fellows for ice cream

357. as an apology for questioning Pierce's faith.

358. Pierce says there's this 69th flavor I need to try.

359. I am excited.

360. Hey, guys, my car's over there.

361. Cool.

362. Guess what.

363. I'm not actually taking them for ice cream.

364. I am taking them to the county morgue

365. where I have confirmed that Pierce's mother's

366. very un-vaporized corpse

367. will be lying on a stainless steel slab

368. for all to see.

369. Surprise! Welcome to reality.

370. Welcome to death.

371. - Have fun. - Good luck.

372. Wow.

373. You guys are real downers.

374. I can't believe I made out with both of you.

375. Ugh.

376. I'll check the basket.

377. Sorry.

378. I almost arched my back a little.

379. I know you hate that.

380. No, I should count it. Since I'm a calculating bitch.

381. No, I should, since I'm the one

382. who's whoring out our gender!

383. - Give that back to me. - I'm gonna count it!

384. - Let go! - Gimme that!

385. Oh, yeah? Think this is funny?

386. You think it's funny? Get off of me!

387. - You little brat! - Oh!

388. I hate you!

389. Now, this is why I came to America.

390. Maybe we should listen to some music.

391. No problem.

392. I brought the jam book from the Pierce Mobile.

393. I could play some of the old stuff,

394. but you guys would make fun of me.

395. So...

396. I'll throw ya... a bone and put in some loggins.

397. This ice cream place is far.

398. Trust me. It's worth it.

399. What's this?

400. This is mom's handwriting.

401. Is that what you were doing in the garage,

402. you silly goose?

403. She spent her last moments alive making a cd?

404. That's gangster!

405. Pierce, you found the CD,

406. which means... I'm dead.

407. Vaporized.

408. I'm not vaporized. I'm gone, Pierce.

409. Gone forever and...

410. that's how I like it.

411. Life is only worth a damn because it's short.

412. It's designed to be consumed, used,

413. spent, lived, felt.

414. We're supposed to fill it with every mistake

415. and miracle we can manage.

416. And then we're supposed to let go.

417. I can't force you to do that for yourself, Pierce.

418. But you can't force me to stay.

419. And if you unscrew the top of that stupid thing,

420. you'll see it was made in China.

421. I love you, son.

422. Good-bye.

423. I'll play myself out.

424. Whew.

425. Well, that proves one thing.

426. That woman was really losing her marbles

427. toward the end.

428. You... seriously still think she's in there?

429. Why wouldn't I?

430. No reason.

431. So... Where's this ice cream place?

432. - Yeah. - Oh... Um...

433. You know, the... I think I...

434. actually saw a better one back there.

435. The place I was gonna take you was... kinda depressing.

436. Oh, can we get a little more sawdust on that storm gutter?

437. Thank you!

438. - I'm sorry... - I'm sorry too.

439. I just got jealous of you.

440. No, but you totally called me on what I was doing,

441. and... I only kissed Jeff

442. because I wanted to see if I could do it

443. because I wanna be cool and sexy like you.

444. I can't believe how gross I am.

445. I only slept with Jeff because I hate myself,

446. and that's why I got after you for raising money.

447. I'm twice as gross.

448. And you know the reason

449. that we raised more money in five minutes of oil wrestling

450. than we did in two days of fundraising?

451. Because... men are even grosser?

452. And when we forget that, they win.

453. Yeah. All right.

454. All right, all right.

455. Yeah, do it.

456. Oh, so you got actual ice cream.

457. Yeah. With peanut butter and hot Fudge.

458. What the hell, right? Nobody lives forever.

459. No offense.

460. Nah, think what you want. It's a free country.

461. I barely saw you this week, Abed.

462. What have you been up to?

463. - Not much. - Hmm.

464. What?

465. Whoa! Busted! 25 feet!

466. Which puts you in violation

467. of this restraining order I filed against you

468. for abusing me with your restraining order!

469. Mutually assured destruction.

470. Well played, Chang.

471. Thank you.

472. Uh...

473. That means a lot.

474. Do you mind getting a quick photo of me

475. with the oily coeds?

476. - Center button. - Okay.

477. - You're the man. - Yeah, no problem.

478. Wha... whaaaat?

479. He's not a projection.

480. He's the British guy pretending to be Tom Berenger.

481. It was a mislead.

482. That's the whole point of inception.

483. Subversion of reality.

484. He hasn't seen it yet!