Community 2x18

Directed by Anthony Russo

Malcolm-Jamal Warner as Andre Bennett • Enver Gjokaj as Lukka • Darien Smalling as Kevin • Curtis Harris as Shawn • Charlie Sanders as Police Officer • Jim Rash as Dean Craig Pelton

Although Shirley and Andre don't want Chang involved with her baby, he resolves to be a good dad. Abed and Troy's new friend may be a war criminal.

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1. Annie, two gifts? Thank you.

2. I wanted to get the baby a doll

3. and since the father might be Andre or Chang,

4. I wanted all ethnic bases covered.

5. So there's a little African-American girl.

6. And there's a very nice letter

7. from the manufacturer promising to expand their selection.

8. Is everyone enjoying their egg rolls and/or Mieliepap?

9. A traditional maize porridge popular in Ghana?

10. You are aware that baby showers can be race neutral.

11. Yes, thank you, Annie, for trying to be inclusive, but,

12. regardless of any biological happenstance,

13. this baby will be raised by Andre and I.

14. That's right.

15. And I seem to recall a story about a man named Joseph

16. who happily raised a baby that wasn't his.

17. History's greatest chump.

18. - We're talking about Joe Kennedy? - It's cool.

19. If it's mine, I'll be a lovable uncle.

20. Okay, a creepy uncle. Final offer.

21. This is from me and Troy.

22. When your child is a lone scavenger in the nuclear wasteland,

23. clean water will be expensive.

24. Yeah, we wanted to get him a sawed-off shotgun,

25. but those are pretty expensive already.

26. Sorry. You people eat this stuff?

27. I've never seen that stuff in my life.

28. You really shouldn't say "you people."

29. It's okay. Pierce was having trouble quitting offensive phrases cold Turkey,

30. so we've created a bargaining system.

31. We traded "you people" for some of his other favorite phrases.

32. Yeah, I really got...

33. Jewish-personed out of that one.

34. Here, open mine.

35. A cigar cutter, Max magazine,

36. - and hot sauce. - It's a theme gift.

37. Yeah, I believe the theme is "stuff lying around my apartment."

38. Sorry I'm late.

39. Can I get a ni hao up in this hizzy?

40. Why is everyone in this school obsessed with race?

41. White-people problems.

42. That looks fun.

43. Who was that cute guy that I saw you outside with earlier?

44. Lukka. Our new friend. He's in Troy's history class.

45. He's awesome. He has an accent. He rolls his own cigarettes.

46. And he plays the same video games as us.

47. We like him a lot. So you're not allowed to bone him.

48. You just guaranteed she'll bone him.

49. Who am I kidding? I should be putting this on my thighs.

50. - Feygnasse Team -

51. La Fabrique ::.

52. 2x18: Custody Law and Eastern European Diplomacy

53. Watch out, Abed. There's a guy on your six.

54. - I'm taking out my nine millimeter. - Please.

55. In my country, we give nine millimeter to little girl for sweet 16.

56. - Try grenade launcher. - Cool.

57. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

58. I was just stopping by.

59. Is this a bad time?

60. Gentlemen, it's no way to treat a girl that looks this way.

61. Come in.

62. - I'm Lukka. - Britta.

63. Like, Britney Spears.

64. Exactly like Britney Spears.

65. - Britta was just leaving. - No, stay.

66. Visit with your friends. I must go anyway.

67. Yes, I'm cooking Podvarak.

68. - I've never had that. - I could make for you.

69. I'll give you my number.

70. You are her boyfriends?

71. I love these guys. They make funny with their mouths.

72. Here you go.

73. I leave.

74. What? He asked me out.

75. You're not allowed.

76. - You'll ruin him. - Ruin him?

77. - Stop repeating. - Stop...

78. reprimanding me, and explain why I'll ruin him.

79. You date guys that we think are cool,

80. and when you decide you don't like them anymore,

81. you tell horrible things about them we can never unhear.

82. - Name one guy I did that with. - That one dude, tall Kyle.

83. I ruined Jeff?

84. You mean Jeff "nipple play" Winger?

85. As you can see, we're still hanging out with him.

86. How's it going, Jeff?

87. Promise me you won't date Lukka, and I'll give you one of these.

88. I made it for everyone who was part of the paintball adventure.

89. You should have given me one of those a long time ago.

90. I kicked your asses.

91. Don't date Lukka.

92. "Hit my genie bottle"?

93. What the... what was that?

94. I was, um, hoping you can help me with something?

95. Sure. Let's have a look here.

96. Let's see, pieces of paper, stapled together, lot of writing.

97. - I'm afraid this is as far as I can go. - I don't want you to read it.

98. I want you to help me get Chang to sign it.

99. It's a little something-something I had an attorney draw up.

100. This little something-something is a forfeiture of parental rights.

101. Better safe than sorry.

102. Why do you need me to make Chang sign away his hypothetical baby?

103. - Isn't he sort of living with you? - Not cool, Shirley.

104. - You have a rapport with him... - Not cool, Shirley.

105. Besides, as your friend, can I tell you, don't poke that bear.

106. I mean, I think right now you're as protected as you can get.

107. I don't see Chang as being a real hands-on baby daddy.

108. Now we're all in the business of knowing what's going on in Chang's head, huh?

109. Fine. For the child.

110. - God bless you. - Not lately.

111. I'm... I'm so sorry,

112. but could you just not tell Troy and Abed that we went out tonight?

113. - No problem. - It's just...

114. They're just really worried if you and I, you know,

115. see each other that it's somehow gonna affect your friendship with them.

116. Hey, don't worry. Don't worry. I can keep a secret.

117. I'm from the Balkans.

118. There are many things I try not to talk about.

119. I knew it.

120. I knew there was pain in there.

121. Just so you know, you can talk to me about anything.

122. So much killing...

123. The corpses stacked like firewood,

124. the rivers red with their blood...

125. I miss it so much.

126. Wait, just... Just to clarify,

127. when you say you miss it, it's like...

128. like you have survivor's guilt,

129. like you wish you were back over there defending the motherland, right?

130. Yes, I miss cleansing our fields and forests

131. of the unclean people who stole my country.

132. I miss the smell of the villages burning.

133. I miss the way they used to run from our tanks in fear.

134. Damn it.

135. My neighbor is jazz musician.

136. Spencer, come on, man.

137. I got woman in here!

138. Great. He really knows how to kill the mood.

139. What are you doing? Did you look for a job today?

140. I was going to, but I noticed your coffee table's wobbly,

141. so I decided to fix it.

142. It must be the floor.

143. Don't saw the floor. Don't saw anything.

144. I'm tired of confiscating saws. Give me that.

145. Take this.

146. "Parental rights"?

147. You're adopting me?

148. It's from Shirley. It gives her and Andre the baby.

149. Sign it.

150. And if anyone asks, this was my most convincing speech ever.

151. Why are you crying?

152. Don't tell me you actually wanted to be a father.

153. I don't know.

154. Maybe.

155. What if this is my last chance?

156. Between you and me, I don't Chang a lot of chicks.

157. But fathers are responsible. They have jobs.

158. You, you crash on people's couches

159. and twitch in your sleep like a dog dreaming of a rabbit.

160. It's real! You don't...

161. Wait.

162. So you're saying if I get a job

163. and my own apartment,

164. Shirley might let me be part of my baby's life?

165. That's exactly what I'm saying.

166. - So does that mean I can...? - Go for it.

167. Where do you keep getting these?

168. Hey, guys, where are you going?

169. We're grabbing lunch for a marathon video game with Lukka.

170. Lots of fork foods... don't want to grease up the troops.

171. Speaking of Lukka,

172. how much do you guys know about him, anyway?

173. Why? Did you start dating him, now you want tell us horrible things?

174. He gonna teach us how to break the will of an village

175. by killing their livestock and break their worship.

176. That sounds horrific.

177. Girls are so un-desensitized.

178. So, how'd that little talk go with Chang last night?

179. Yeah, about that, Shirley,

180. I gave my most convincing speech ever, and it didn't take.

181. Didn't take? We're not giving him a perm.

182. We just need to him to sign a contract.

183. Well, "need" is... Is a strong word.

184. Shirley would feel more comfortable if we had something in writing.

185. However, I believe

186. that we can handle whatever obstacle comes our way.

187. Baby.

188. Good morning. Did you see the stock market?

189. Up, down... Pick a direction, huh?

190. I've been circling these want ads all morning.

191. Who wants to take a break and build a birdhouse?

192. - What's going on? - I'm getting my act together.

193. A baby coming.

194. I can almost hear the pitter-patter

195. of little Chinese feet across the treetops.

196. And when that happens,

197. I got to be the best dad I can be.

198. Right, Jeff, huh?

199. Don't leave me hanging, my main mentor.

200. Is that a reason to leave?

201. Excuse me.

202. Let me ask you a question, dad-to-dad.

203. Why do I have to put the VCR on three

204. if Bones is on five?

205. I know you not gonna make a pregnant woman run.

206. I know you not gonna make a pregnant woman

207. walk this distance between us.

208. So I ask you to help me,

209. you take that as an opportunity to get Chang out of your apartment?

210. Who am I to stop someone trying to put their life together?

211. - Am I a daytime TV? - Very cute.

212. How cute is it gonna be

213. when that lunatic is dangling my baby over a lion cage on alternate weekends?

214. Could be pretty cute. Are they baby lions?

215. New low, Jeff, even for you.

216. I'm not gonna make a pregnant woman storm off?

217. Look at them run.

218. They must die like the maggots that they are.

219. We got extra points for killing villagers?

220. I thought I knew everything about this game.

221. Unbelievable.

222. Calm down.

223. I'm here

224. for my "trekkies do it in the final frontier" hat.

225. - That's my hat. - Really? Sure?

226. You are really good at this game.

227. There must be a reason that you are so good at this game.

228. Though your flirtation technique is hilarious, it's distracting.

229. Lukka is kicking serious ass. He just set fire to a farmers market.

230. You're dead!

231. Save your tears for your dog mother in hell!

232. Okay, fine.

233. Wait.

234. You have DVD blu-ray disc

235. Kick Puncher 3: The Final Kickening.

236. I can borrow it?

237. No can do, sorry.

238. Thanks to guys like Pierce.

239. I have a strict no-lending policy on my DVDs.

240. - And if somebody broke that rule? - They'd be dead to me forever.

241. Maybe we watch Kick Puncher 3 together sometime.

242. Yes, Lukka, maybe we do.

243. May... be...

244. we... do.

245. Leave.

246. No more game for me. I feel sick.

247. She's strange.

248. Can I talk to you?

249. Sorry, can't talk till I see my face in this.

250. Can I give you some advice... Dad-to-dad?

251. Hold on.

252. My pipe.

253. What's on your mind?

254. It's great that you're trying to get your life together.

255. But for your sake and for Shirley's, you just need to relax a little.

256. I see what's going on.

257. You're scared. Feel me coming up on your tail, huh?

258. I've been a father for 11 years, and a good one for 9 of those.

259. I'm there when they're sick. I pick 'em up from school,

260. help 'em with their homework.

261. It's not how you act, it's what you do.

262. I do.

263. You think that pool table put aluminum siding on itself?

264. That's not what I'm talking about.

265. I'll go ahead and consider that point missed.

266. I got your text. What's going on?

267. Something terrible has happened. My Kick Puncher 3 DVD is missing.

268. That's awful.

269. Somebody took it? Who would...

270. Wait.

271. Kick Puncher 3?

272. Wasn't that the movie that Lukka was...

273. You don't think...

274. Unless...

275. You don't suppose...

276. However...

277. That would mean that you guys would have to stop hanging out.

278. We have video of you.

279. What?

280. You have a security camera in your room?

281. I'm making a documentary on my life.

282. It's mostly footage of me, but sometimes it comes in handy.

283. Why you would do this and then try to pin it on Lukka?

284. Now you're just ruining cool guys for fun.

285. It's just cruelty.

286. You're inhuman.

287. - An inhuman person. - Monster.

288. Lukka's a monster for realsies.

289. I did this for you. He's a war criminal!

290. - You're embarrassing yourself. - In what war is he a criminal?

291. The battle for our affections?

292. How about the genocide in the Balkans?

293. You would say that.

294. You just got caught red-handed borrowing a DVD without permission.

295. You guys have to believe me.

296. He's so much worse than tall Kyle!

297. Hola.

298. What are you doing? Who are these kids?

299. I picked up Shirley's kids from school,

300. and I'm helping them with their homework.

301. Hey, kids.

302. Watch the cardigan.

303. - What? Why? - To prove I'm a responsible dad.

304. You're a kidnapper. What's wrong with you?

305. I am nuts! Get with the program!

306. What have I done? I've said you could be a father.

307. - I can be. - No, you can't.

308. You can't be anything, and you never will.

309. I pretended to have faith in you to get you out of my apartment.

310. Call Shirley and beg forgiveness.

311. Why don't you get your stuff together? I'll take you home.

312. Who's Shirley?

313. Your mom, dumb-ass.

314. Her name is Loquanda.

315. That's racist.

316. Is your mom's name really Loquanda?

317. You said you were a friend of hers. Why didn't you know that, dumb-ass?

318. I do!

319. Just playing a educational game with you!

320. - Right. - Don't give me that lip.

321. - You mind waiting in the hallway? - No problem.

322. Go ahead.

323. I want you to understand something. You are a horrible human being.

324. I will never feel sorry for you again.

325. I don't care what happens to you, and when I get back, I want you gone.

326. Believe me,

327. I will be far, far away from here.

328. Hi, policeman.

329. How much do you pay for anonymous tips about kidnappings?

330. Fine, this one is on me.

331. You're free.

332. Here's your wallet, keys, and pasties.

333. They're nipple guards for running. Olympic athletes use them.

334. I worked at a maximum-security prison for seven years.

335. Those are gay thing.

336. Hard to believe.

337. The mother's not gonna press charges. Are you okay?

338. I'm fine.

339. I spent the night learning arts and crafts from my cell mate, Chabo.

340. Did you know you can make an ashtray with a cigarette and a snitch?

341. I'm sorry I tried to capitalize on your situation with Chang.

342. Apology accepted.

343. Punishment is time served.

344. There's no cell that can hold Chang!

345. I know this place's secrets.

346. You're all right!

347. I've been looking all... Hey, Tracy. What's up, baby?

348. Why are they arresting Chang? Loquanda wasn't pressing charges.

349. Not against Jeff.

350. I talked her into going after Chang for child endangerment.

351. He could get three to five years. That's what you want?

352. Because we could be rid of him for 20 to life.

353. - Really? - Absolutely.

354. I'd testify that he tried to sell those kids to me

355. and throw in the fact that he was teaching them Spanish.

356. Any DA worth his salt can make a case for human trafficking.

357. I like that.

358. What is wrong with you two? Why are you doing this to Chang?

359. I'm doing this for us.

360. We have a second chance, and I want everything to be perfect.

361. That's what you wanted.

362. You did everything in your power, and look what happened.

363. You cheated because I wanted what was best for our family?

364. I cheated because I was a coward.

365. But you took me back, because while I was gone,

366. somehow you learned to accept the bad with the good.

367. That's the Greendale effect. "Lower your standards."

368. Look, I know you are ashamed about what happened with Chang.

369. Hell, I am too.

370. But locking him up

371. is not gonna make our lives any less crazy.

372. It'll only make prison crazier.

373. I guess you're right.

374. It's impossible to keep the chaos from your lives.

375. We learned that in that movie with all those dinosaurs.

376. - Jurassic Park? - No, it's complicated.

377. Time-out.

378. Okay, I'm sorry.

379. I'm sorry to you, you, officer baby.

380. Come on!

381. What?

382. You want me to ruin something for you?

383. You're being dramatic.

384. We asked Lukka a few questions after what you said.

385. He told us about his time in the army and...

386. what he did.

387. I'm very shocked.

388. If I ever go to the Balkans, I'm bringing some cheat codes.

389. Why didn't you tell us?

390. Because I didn't want to be the one to ruin another guy for you guys.

391. There's a difference between a guy liking nipple play

392. and a guy making hats out of babies.

393. This happened because we've been riding you hard.

394. How about from now on, we promise to go easier on you,

395. if you promise not to tell us details about the guys you're dating,

396. unless they've committed genocide.

397. Or if they're left-handed. I'm making a chart.

398. Deal.

399. I guess I ruined game night.

400. I tend to ruin stuff.

401. - Come on. - You do not.

402. We watch Catfish.

403. That's the movie where the guy flirts online,

404. but it turns out that it's a fat old woman?

405. Sorry.

406. It's cool.

407. Maybe it's about Catfish.

408. This was fun.