1. Apparently they found him unconsciousCopy !req
2. on a park bench.Copy !req
3. Oh, my God.Copy !req
4. Is he okay?Copy !req
5. We don't know. We just got here.Copy !req
6. He's ready for visitors now.Copy !req
7. He's in 1023.Copy !req
8. Hi.Copy !req
9. Oh, welcome, my old friends.Copy !req
10. - Welcome.
- Pierce, what happened?Copy !req
11. We were all so worried.Copy !req
12. It was the pills.Copy !req
13. They just took me over.Copy !req
14. I saw awful, horrible things,
demons, aliens,Copy !req
15. critters 3, something called
Bruce Willis surrogates.Copy !req
16. Abed, what are you guys doing?Copy !req
17. It's okay. Just act natural.Copy !req
18. Pierce asked me to document his lifeCopy !req
19. for historical purposes.Copy !req
20. At first, I said, "no," because at the riskCopy !req
21. of sounding overly sensitive,
I feel intensely boredCopy !req
22. by Pierce as a subject.Copy !req
23. But I'm excited about
the narrative facilityCopy !req
24. of the documentary format.Copy !req
25. It's easier to tell a complex storyCopy !req
26. when you can just cut to peopleCopy !req
27. explaining things to the camera.Copy !req
28. I've called everyone here so that I couldCopy !req
29. put my house in order,Copy !req
30. bequeath parting gifts, say my final wordsCopy !req
31. to each of you.Copy !req
32. Final words?Copy !req
33. - You're gonna kill us?
- No, dummy.Copy !req
34. The pills wiped me out.Copy !req
35. I'm dying.Copy !req
36. Oh.Copy !req
37. I'm not really dying.Copy !req
38. Over the last few weeks,
it's become apparentCopy !req
39. how little respect this group has for me.Copy !req
40. So I've summoned them
here to exact my revenge.Copy !req
41. See? Fish in a barrel.Copy !req
42. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do.Copy !req
43. Usually, if I need to cheer up,Copy !req
44. I just make fun of Pierce, but now...Copy !req
45. It'd just make me sadder.Copy !req
46. It's Gregory Hines all over again.Copy !req
47. Look, I'm sure he'll be fine.Copy !req
48. You know how dramatic Pierce gets.Copy !req
49. Remember when he had the hiccupsCopy !req
50. and pulled the fire alarm?Copy !req
51. Let's just try to relax.Copy !req
52. He's here because we relaxed.Copy !req
53. No, he's here because he relaxed,Copy !req
54. a handful of pills at a time.Copy !req
55. That's all over now.Copy !req
56. We're here for him, so there's no pointCopy !req
57. in feeling bad.Copy !req
58. We know there's no point, Jeff.Copy !req
59. We kind of just felt like feeling it.Copy !req
60. Yeah, Jeff. What are you? Abed?Copy !req
61. Oh, sorry, Abed.Copy !req
62. No problem. Doesn't bother me.Copy !req
63. Mr. Hawthorne is ready
to commence his bequeathings.Copy !req
64. Shouldn't you be telling that
to an orderly?Copy !req
65. He's gonna give us gifts.Copy !req
66. Oh, cool!Copy !req
67. I mean...Copy !req
68. Cool.Copy !req
69. I don't want Pierce to die.Copy !req
70. But if I'm gonna get bequeathed upon,Copy !req
71. I'd like to be bequeathed a drum kitCopy !req
72. or a signed photo of actor Levar Burton.Copy !req
73. Those would be my top two wishes.Copy !req
74. My third wish would be a million wishes.Copy !req
75. But I'd just use 'em all onCopy !req
76. a million signed photos
of actor Levar Burton.Copy !req
77. Hello, Pierce.Copy !req
78. Hi.Copy !req
79. I got you some things from the gift shopCopy !req
80. to cheer you up.Copy !req
81. I got you a John Grisham novelCopy !req
82. and a funny little coffee mug.Copy !req
83. You see how the flea's door mat
says "Dog, sweet dog"?Copy !req
84. Yeah. Shirley, we both knowCopy !req
85. that you and I are the most hated
in the group.Copy !req
86. We do?Copy !req
87. And since, in my absence,
you'll be the new black sheep...Copy !req
88. I'm sorry. That's offensive.Copy !req
89. Black swan.Copy !req
90. I want you to have this.Copy !req
91. It's a compact record and itCopy !req
92. contains an audio file of your study groupCopy !req
93. talking about you while
you're out of the room.Copy !req
94. It's all here, burnt into this disketteCopy !req
95. by optical lasers.Copy !req
96. I don't believe you.Copy !req
97. I know it sounds like science fiction.Copy !req
98. No, I don't believe
there's anything on that.Copy !req
99. Then I guess this is good-bye... Forever.Copy !req
100. Good... good-bye, Pierce.Copy !req
101. Smell you later.Copy !req
102. He said it's a recording of you allCopy !req
103. talking behind my back.Copy !req
104. That's ridiculous.Copy !req
105. That's what I told him,Copy !req
106. because you all don't do that.Copy !req
107. Right?Copy !req
108. Mr. Hawthorne is requesting "sour face."Copy !req
109. Knock, knock.Copy !req
110. Is that you, Death?Copy !req
111. - It's Britta.
- Oh.Copy !req
112. Before you speak, I just want to tell youCopy !req
113. that you don't have to give me anything.Copy !req
114. I am happy to just spend time with you.Copy !req
115. You know what Dylan Thomas
said about death?Copy !req
116. No, tell me.Copy !req
117. Okay, bluff called.Copy !req
118. Britta, you're the selfless one
in the group, right?Copy !req
119. I wouldn't know.
I haven't thought about myself in years.Copy !req
120. That's what makes you
the perfect recipientCopy !req
121. of this bequeathment.Copy !req
122. It's a check for $10,000Copy !req
123. with the payee line blank,Copy !req
124. so that you can give it
to the charity of your choice.Copy !req
125. Wow.Copy !req
126. Pierce, this is... surprising.Copy !req
127. After what you gave Shirley,Copy !req
128. we thought you were playing mind games.Copy !req
129. Thank you.Copy !req
130. Of course, if you are so inclined,Copy !req
131. you could always write
your own name in there.Copy !req
132. Toodles.Copy !req
133. I don't want to die in a place like this.Copy !req
134. People shouldn't die in the same placeCopy !req
135. as People magazines do.Copy !req
136. I hope to die surrounded by my family.Copy !req
137. That's the only way I agreed to beCopy !req
138. surrounded by my family.Copy !req
139. Me and Abed have an agreement.Copy !req
140. If one of us dies, we stage it to lookCopy !req
141. like a suicide caused
by the unjust cancellationCopy !req
142. of Firefly.Copy !req
143. We're gonna get that show back
on the air, buddy.Copy !req
144. How'd it go?Copy !req
145. Huh?Copy !req
146. Oh, fine.Copy !req
147. He gave me a check for $10,000Copy !req
148. to give to the charity of my choice.Copy !req
149. See? He's not messing with us.Copy !req
150. - Maybe he just hates Shirley.
- What?Copy !req
151. Yeah, maybe.Copy !req
152. I just need to research a few charities,Copy !req
153. because some take a lot off the topCopy !req
154. and you think you're giving money to peopleCopy !req
155. that really need it,
and you're really giving itCopy !req
156. to some middle man
who's gonna pay off their parking tickets,Copy !req
157. credit cards, and keep
from getting kicked outCopy !req
158. of her place in... April.Copy !req
159. Ah!Copy !req
160. He'd like to see Annie next.Copy !req
161. You know what? No.Copy !req
162. He'll see Jeff next.Copy !req
163. No, but you're not supposed to go...Copy !req
164. Or what? You'll do twice
as much work as a doctorCopy !req
165. for half the pay?Copy !req
166. Thank you?Copy !req
167. It's called a complisult.Copy !req
168. Part compliment, part insult.Copy !req
169. He invented them. I coined the term.Copy !req
170. See what I just did there?Copy !req
171. That was an explanabrag.Copy !req
172. Hello, Jeffrey.Copy !req
173. Pierce.Copy !req
174. I've thought about this day many times,Copy !req
175. but I've always imagined it differently.Copy !req
176. For starters, I thought
you'd be the one in bedCopy !req
177. and I'd be a hologram.Copy !req
178. What?Copy !req
179. Ah, never mind.
There's no time for that now.Copy !req
180. Pierce, it's starting to seem,Copy !req
181. from observing the others,
that you're usingCopy !req
182. the social leverage afforded you
by your alleged deathbedCopy !req
183. to exact complicated acts
of psychological vengeanceCopy !req
184. on those closest to you.Copy !req
185. Vengeance? Oh, no.Copy !req
186. I was never one to hold a grudge, Jeffrey.Copy !req
187. My father held grudges.Copy !req
188. I'll always hate him for that.Copy !req
189. Did you get along with your father?Copy !req
190. I got along without him.Copy !req
191. Oh, that's no good, Jeffrey.Copy !req
192. You don't want your dad to dieCopy !req
193. before you tell him how you feel.Copy !req
194. I'm sure you're right.Copy !req
195. Look, let's nip this in the bud.Copy !req
196. Pierce, we're sorry we didn't respondCopy !req
197. quickly enough to your pill addiction.Copy !req
198. Is there any chance that apology is enough?Copy !req
199. Are you ready to be
bequeathed upon, Jeff?Copy !req
200. Yeah.Copy !req
201. Blow my mind.Copy !req
202. I found your father.Copy !req
203. Did you now?Copy !req
204. William Winger, born Oklahoma City, 1945.Copy !req
205. 1974, married Doreen Fitzgerald.Copy !req
206. Divorced in 1983.Copy !req
207. Most recently residing in Dorchester.Copy !req
208. Currently sitting in a town car on its wayCopy !req
209. to this very hospital.Copy !req
210. Should be here in an hour or so,Copy !req
211. give or take a father.Copy !req
212. That it?Copy !req
213. Yep.Copy !req
214. All right.Copy !req
215. See you at the funeral.Copy !req
216. And so it is bequeathed.Copy !req
217. What are you gonna say to your dad?Copy !req
218. I'm not gonna say anything
because I won't have to,Copy !req
219. because Pierce is playing
head games with us.Copy !req
220. I've decided not to listen to it.Copy !req
221. What?Copy !req
222. I'm not gonna listen to the CDCopy !req
223. of you guys talking about me.Copy !req
224. Because I forgive you.Copy !req
225. But how do we know
what we're being forgiven for?Copy !req
226. We don't even know what's on there.Copy !req
227. And you never have to.Copy !req
228. Hmm.Copy !req
229. But what if he is coming, though?Copy !req
230. What are you gonna say to him?Copy !req
231. Here. I'll be him. I'll be him.Copy !req
232. Hi. Hey.Copy !req
233. Hi, I'm Jeff's dad. Hi.Copy !req
234. Hi. Hi, Jeff's dad.Copy !req
235. I'm Britta's dad.Copy !req
236. - What? Why?
- I don't know.Copy !req
237. Got drunk, didn't have a condom,Copy !req
238. and her mom gets freaky
when she hears oingo boingo.Copy !req
239. Oh, God, I wish I could relate,Copy !req
240. but much like my son,
I'm a closet homosexual.Copy !req
241. Don't apologize for that.Copy !req
242. You're talking to the guy
that banged Britta's mom.Copy !req
243. I have no standards.Copy !req
244. Well, what do you say we take a tumble?Copy !req
245. I'll put on a wig.Copy !req
246. That's it. You're under arrest.Copy !req
247. I'm an undercover cop.Copy !req
248. It's not illegal to be gay.Copy !req
249. It is here in Iran.Copy !req
250. Not when we're in the green zone.Copy !req
251. That's Iraq, stupid.Copy !req
252. Well, what do I know?Copy !req
253. I'm Jeff Winger's dumb, gay dad.Copy !req
254. My father was a two-bit con manCopy !req
255. of so little substance
he couldn't leave a trailCopy !req
256. if he wanted to.Copy !req
257. And I don't care if Pierce
hired Scotland Yard.Copy !req
258. He isn't gonna track him down
from a hospital bed.Copy !req
259. I mean, money can't just
make people appear.Copy !req
260. Excuse me.Copy !req
261. I'm looking for Troy Barnes.Copy !req
262. Pierce Hawthorne sent me.Copy !req
263. Hey, Troy?Copy !req
264. Hi.Copy !req
265. I'm Levar Burton.Copy !req
266. Pierce got Levar Burton
to come here for Troy?Copy !req
267. Is there anyone he can't produce?Copy !req
268. Now I'm really getting mad.Copy !req
269. Why am I the only one
he decided to torture?Copy !req
270. I told Pierce a thousand timesCopy !req
271. I never wanted to meet Levar in person!Copy !req
272. I just wanted a picture!Copy !req
273. You can't disappoint a picture!Copy !req
274. I hate you, Pierce!Copy !req
275. I hate you so much!Copy !req
276. Ahem.Copy !req
277. Annie, I forgive you.Copy !req
278. Annie Edison.Copy !req
279. Your bequeathal is at hand.Copy !req
280. Do you have a regular job here?Copy !req
281. Annie, I know you're being strong for me.Copy !req
282. I give you permission to weep.Copy !req
283. I'm crying on the inside.Copy !req
284. Gross.Copy !req
285. Well, in any case,Copy !req
286. I want to give you this.Copy !req
287. It's been in my family for six generations.Copy !req
288. Now it's yours.Copy !req
289. Thank you.Copy !req
290. Jeff, do you want to see your dad?Copy !req
291. - He's not coming.
- But do you want to see him?Copy !req
292. No.Copy !req
293. Then why aren't you leaving?Copy !req
294. Because I don't care and I'm notCopy !req
295. gonna let him think that I care.Copy !req
296. Your dad or Pierce?Copy !req
297. There is no dad.Copy !req
298. And get this thing out of my face!Copy !req
299. And don't you dare intercut thisCopy !req
300. with footage of me freaking out.Copy !req
301. Oh!Copy !req
302. Is there footage of you freaking out?Copy !req
303. Abed, I'm gonna kill youCopy !req
304. and Pierce and BrittaCopy !req
305. and anyone else who thinks I careCopy !req
306. about any of this!Copy !req
307. So do you go to school nearby?Copy !req
308. Well, are you more familiar with meCopy !req
309. from Star Trek or Reading Rainbow?Copy !req
310. Reading Rainbow was a show
I hosted and producedCopy !req
311. for 25 years on PBS.Copy !req
312. Ever seen it?Copy !req
313. d Butterfly in the sky dCopy !req
314. d I can go twice as high dCopy !req
315. d take a look dCopy !req
316. d it's in a book dCopy !req
317. d reading rainbow-ow-ow dCopy !req
318. d reading rainbow dCopy !req
319. d oh! dCopy !req
320. Set phasers to "love me"!Copy !req
321. What does it mean?Copy !req
322. What do you mean "what does it mean"?Copy !req
323. No riddles.Copy !req
324. You're screwing around with everyone.Copy !req
325. You gave me a tiara. What does it mean?Copy !req
326. Are these... are these blood diamonds?Copy !req
327. Are they holocaust diamonds?Copy !req
328. No!Copy !req
329. Well, what does it mean?Copy !req
330. It means you're my favorite.Copy !req
331. What does that mean?Copy !req
332. I did it.Copy !req
333. I gave away the money.Copy !req
334. The red cross.Copy !req
335. You know what that makes me?Copy !req
336. A terrible person.Copy !req
337. Because if that camera wasn't on me,Copy !req
338. I would have taken that moneyCopy !req
339. right out of the mouths of crippled,Copy !req
340. starving, malaria-ridden refugee kidsCopy !req
341. and now I know that forever.Copy !req
342. Thanks, Pierce.Copy !req
343. Britta, you've got to forgive yourself.Copy !req
344. Look at me.Copy !req
345. I've forgiven all of you
for the horrible things...Copy !req
346. Oh, for crying out loud, Shirley,
give me that CD.Copy !req
347. - Oh!
- We're gonna listen to it.Copy !req
348. I don't want to listen to it.Copy !req
349. Britta, please. Britta.Copy !req
350. Britta, wait.Copy !req
351. Britta!Copy !req
352. I'll be right back.Copy !req
353. Don't learn anything without me.Copy !req
354. So how much do we all hate Shirley?Copy !req
355. Pierce, knock it off.Copy !req
356. Hey, James Bond, stop trying to record usCopy !req
357. with that stupid spy pen.Copy !req
358. We can see the blinking light.Copy !req
359. Why do you keep trying to record usCopy !req
360. bad-mouthing each other?Copy !req
361. Because he thinks friendship
is a competitionCopy !req
362. and he's always trying
to get the upper hand.Copy !req
363. Think Shirley's any different?Copy !req
364. - Yes.
- Moron.Copy !req
365. Hello!Copy !req
366. Guess we do owe you an apology, Shirley.Copy !req
367. We shouldn't have said
those things about you.Copy !req
368. I guess the lesson here isCopy !req
369. that I sometimes use guilt as a weapon.Copy !req
370. What are you doing?Copy !req
371. Oh, just shooting a talking headCopy !req
372. or did you want me to be the only oneCopy !req
373. who didn't have one?Copy !req
374. No, go ahead.Copy !req
375. I think it stems from when I was...Copy !req
376. So you found my father?Copy !req
377. Yes, he's on his way.Copy !req
378. I mean, if this is too much to handle,Copy !req
379. I completely understand
and I can call it off.Copy !req
380. Actually, I think I'm ready to see him.Copy !req
381. Good. Good for you.Copy !req
382. Oh, I should probably tell you...Copy !req
383. If you're lying to me,
if my father isn't coming,Copy !req
384. if a car pulls up and
anyone other than my fatherCopy !req
385. steps out...
say, an actor or you in a wig...Copy !req
386. If you try to pull any Ferris Bueller,Copy !req
387. Parent Trap, Three's Company, F/X,Copy !req
388. The Deadly Art of Illusion Bull,Copy !req
389. I will beat you...Copy !req
390. And there will be nothing
madcap or wacky about it.Copy !req
391. Understood?Copy !req
392. Crystal.Copy !req
393. - I'm Levar.
- Oh, I know.Copy !req
394. I was a huge fan of Rebop.Copy !req
395. It was cancelled before I was born,Copy !req
396. but I scored some VHS copies.Copy !req
397. I was nostalgic from a very early age.Copy !req
398. Cool.Copy !req
399. Hey, you know, I assumed
that Troy was a fan,Copy !req
400. but he hasn't said a word
to me since I got hereCopy !req
401. and now I've got to catch this flight.Copy !req
402. No! No! You can't go.Copy !req
403. He loves you.Copy !req
404. He talks about you all the time.Copy !req
405. How much would it cost
to change your flight till tomorrow?Copy !req
406. Is, um, $261 enough?Copy !req
407. 'Cause that's all I've got.Copy !req
408. - That's all you've got?
- Yeah.Copy !req
409. No, you... you keep your money.Copy !req
410. I'll... I'll reschedule.Copy !req
411. Oh, my God. Thank you.Copy !req
412. He's gonna be so happy.Copy !req
413. You know, you are a very generous friend,Copy !req
414. but you're really stupid with your money.Copy !req
415. It's not that I'm selfish.Copy !req
416. It's just that I'm really stupid
with my money,Copy !req
417. which is why I'll never have a lot of itCopy !req
418. and because I'm a really generous friend.Copy !req
419. Problem solved.Copy !req
420. Dilemma deleted.Copy !req
421. Britta for the win!Copy !req
422. Oh, thank God he didn't take it.Copy !req
423. Could you imagine bouncing
a check to Kunta Kinte?Copy !req
424. Hello?Copy !req
425. Jeffrey, this is your father.Copy !req
426. Uh-huh?Copy !req
427. It's me here in this sedan.Copy !req
428. See? I'm waving.Copy !req
429. I'm sorry I can't come any closer, my boy.Copy !req
430. This is too difficult.Copy !req
431. You look too much like your mother.Copy !req
432. No, no. Don't come any closer.Copy !req
433. As you were.Copy !req
434. Well, have to catch a flight to Katmandu,Copy !req
435. but I just wanted to say
cherish the new friendsCopy !req
436. that you've made.Copy !req
437. They're your true family now!Copy !req
438. No! Don't open it!Copy !req
439. It'll be too hard for both of us!Copy !req
440. - Oh, Jeff!
- Jeff!Copy !req
441. - Son of a...!
- Oh, no!Copy !req
442. - Oh!
- Jeff!Copy !req
443. No, no, no!Copy !req
444. When you improvise a plan,Copy !req
445. sometimes you hit a speed bump.Copy !req
446. And sometimes you hit it so hardCopy !req
447. that you soar through the air,Copy !req
448. far beyond your initial expectations.Copy !req
449. I set out to take revenge on Jeff Winger,Copy !req
450. to scare him with the ghost of his father.Copy !req
451. Instead, I took over
the role of his father,Copy !req
452. and helped make him a better man.Copy !req
453. It'll be a long time before Jeff WingerCopy !req
454. underestimates me again.Copy !req
455. Jeff, no!Copy !req
456. Why would you do something like this?Copy !req
457. Jeff! Come on, Jeff!Copy !req
458. Becuse I'm sick of you peopleCopy !req
459. not taking me seriously!Copy !req
460. You forget my birthday!Copy !req
461. You don't invite me
to your Dungeons and Dragons gamesCopy !req
462. or your secret trampoline!Copy !req
463. You guys think I'm some kind of a joke!Copy !req
464. This isn't disproving the theory!Copy !req
465. Good point.Copy !req
466. What'd you say? What'd you say?Copy !req
467. What did you say?Copy !req
468. Apparently I need to say
some things to my father.Copy !req
469. Things that I may have screamed
at Pierce instead.Copy !req
470. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it.Copy !req
471. But my father deserves it too.Copy !req
472. Pierce?Copy !req
473. I figured out your test.Copy !req
474. Crowns, presents, punishments, favorites.Copy !req
475. You're trying to show me the dangersCopy !req
476. of my own elitism.Copy !req
477. My constant striving to be the best.Copy !req
478. So I'm requeathing this tiara.Copy !req
479. Because if I become the kind of personCopy !req
480. who thinks it's their place
to pick favoritesCopy !req
481. and torture the rest,
I'll die sad and alone.Copy !req
482. And that's what you were trying
to teach me.Copy !req
483. Very good, Annie.Copy !req
484. You pass.Copy !req
485. She's actually just my favorite.Copy !req
486. So I thought the documentary formatCopy !req
487. would be like fish in a barrel,Copy !req
488. but as is the case
with a real barrel of fish,Copy !req
489. after a while, it can become cramped,Copy !req
490. chaotic, and stinky.Copy !req
491. In their floor and bats...Copy !req
492. Fortunately, if in the end,
your documentary is turning outCopy !req
493. just as messy as real life,Copy !req
494. you can always wrap it up with a seriesCopy !req
495. of random shots, which when cut togetherCopy !req
496. under a generic voice-over,Copy !req
497. suggest a profound thematic connection.Copy !req
498. I'm not knocking it.Copy !req
499. It works.Copy !req
500. Guys.Copy !req
501. Oh.Copy !req
502. Aww.Copy !req
503. Jeff and I became...Copy !req
504. Kind of like father and son today.Copy !req
505. No, we did not.Copy !req
506. Troy, I am telling you, man,Copy !req
507. this salmon is really good.Copy !req
508. Would you mind passing me the pepper?Copy !req
509. d Butterfly in the sky dCopy !req
510. d I can go twice as high dCopy !req
511. d take a look dCopy !req
512. d it's in a book dCopy !req
513. d the reading rainbow dCopy !req
514. Well, more fish for Kunta.Copy !req