1. It`s H, O... H, A, W, T...Copy !req
2. Guys! What happened?Copy !req
3. Apparently they found him unconsciousCopy !req
4. on a park bench.Copy !req
5. Oh, my god!Copy !req
6. Is he okay?Copy !req
7. We don't know. We just got here.Copy !req
8. He's ready for visitors now.Copy !req
9. He's in 10-23.Copy !req
10. Hi.Copy !req
11. Oh, welcome, my old friends.Copy !req
12. - Welcome.
- Pierce, what happened?Copy !req
13. We were all so worried.Copy !req
14. It was the pills.Copy !req
15. They just took me over.Copy !req
16. I saw awful, horrible things.
Demons, aliens,Copy !req
17. critters 3, something called
Bruce Willis surrogates.Copy !req
18. Abed, what are you guys doing?Copy !req
19. It's ok, just act natural.Copy !req
20. Pierce asked me to document his lifeCopy !req
21. for historical purposes.Copy !req
22. At first, I said, "no," because at the riskCopy !req
23. of sounding overly sensitive,
I feel intensely boredCopy !req
24. by Pierce as a subject.Copy !req
25. But I'm excited about
the narrative facilityCopy !req
26. of the documentary format.Copy !req
27. It's easier to tell a complex storyCopy !req
28. when you can just cut to peopleCopy !req
29. explaining things to the camera.Copy !req
30. I've called everyone here so that I couldCopy !req
31. put my house in order,Copy !req
32. bequeath parting gifts, say my final wordsCopy !req
33. to each of you.Copy !req
34. Final words?Copy !req
35. - You're gonna kill us?
- No, dummy.Copy !req
36. The pills wiped me out.Copy !req
37. I'm dying.Copy !req
38. I'm not really dying.Copy !req
39. Over the last few weeks,
it's become apparentCopy !req
40. how little respect this group has for me.Copy !req
41. So I've summoned them
here to exact my revenge.Copy !req
42. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do.Copy !req
43. Usually, if I need to cheer up,Copy !req
44. I just make fun of Pierce, but now...Copy !req
45. It'd just make me sadder.Copy !req
46. It's Gregory Hines all over again.Copy !req
47. Look, I'm sure he'll be fine.Copy !req
48. You know how dramatic Pierce gets.Copy !req
49. Remember when he had the hiccupsCopy !req
50. and pulled the fire alarm?Copy !req
51. Let's just try to relax.Copy !req
52. He's here because we relaxed.Copy !req
53. No, he's here because he relaxed,Copy !req
54. a handful of pills at a time.Copy !req
55. That's all over now.Copy !req
56. We're here for him, so there's no pointCopy !req
57. in feeling bad.Copy !req
58. We know there's no point, Jeff.Copy !req
59. We kind of just felt like feeling it.Copy !req
60. Yeah, Jeff. What are you? Abed?Copy !req
61. Oh, sorry, Abed.Copy !req
62. No problem. Doesn't bother me.Copy !req
63. Mr. Hawthorne is ready
to commence his bequeathings.Copy !req
64. Shouldn't you be telling that
to an orderly?Copy !req
65. He's gonna give us gifts.Copy !req
66. Oh, cool!Copy !req
67. I mean...Copy !req
68. Cool.Copy !req
69. I don't want Pierce to die.Copy !req
70. But if I'm gonna get bequeathed upon,Copy !req
71. I'd like to be bequeathed a drum kitCopy !req
72. or a signed photo of actor Levar Burton.Copy !req
73. Those would be my top two wishes.Copy !req
74. My third wish would be a million wishes.Copy !req
75. But I'd just use 'em all onCopy !req
76. a million signed photos
of actor Levar Burton.Copy !req
77. Hello, Pierce.Copy !req
78. Hi.Copy !req
79. I got you some things from the gift shopCopy !req
80. to cheer you up.Copy !req
81. I got you a John Grisham novelCopy !req
82. and a funny little coffee mug.Copy !req
83. You see how the flea's door mat
says "Dog, sweet dog"?Copy !req
84. Yeah. Shirley, we both knowCopy !req
85. that you and I are the most hated
in the group.Copy !req
86. We do?Copy !req
87. And since, in my absence,
you'll be the new black sheep...Copy !req
88. I'm sorry. That's offensive.Copy !req
89. Black swan.Copy !req
90. I want you to have this.Copy !req
91. It's a compact record and itCopy !req
92. contains an audio file of your study groupCopy !req
93. talking about you while
you're out of the room.Copy !req
94. It's all here, burnt into this disketteCopy !req
95. by optical lasers.Copy !req
96. I don't believe you.Copy !req
97. I know it sounds like science fiction.Copy !req
98. No, I don't believe
there's anything on that.Copy !req
99. Then I guess this is good-bye... Forever.Copy !req
100. Good... good-bye, Pierce.Copy !req
101. Smell you later.Copy !req
102. He said it's a recording of you allCopy !req
103. talking behind my back.Copy !req
104. That's ridiculous.Copy !req
105. That's what I told him,Copy !req
106. because you all don't do that.Copy !req
107. Right?Copy !req
108. Mr. Hawthorne is requesting "sour face."Copy !req
109. Knock, knock.Copy !req
110. Is that you, Death?Copy !req
111. - It's Britta.
- Oh.Copy !req
112. Before you speak, I just want to tell youCopy !req
113. that you don't have to give me anything.Copy !req
114. I am happy to just spend time with you.Copy !req
115. You know what Dylan Thomas
said about death?Copy !req
116. No, tell me.Copy !req
117. Okay, bluff called.Copy !req
118. Britta, you're the selfless one
in the group, right?Copy !req
119. I wouldn't know.
I haven't thought about myself in years.Copy !req
120. That's what makes you
the perfect recipientCopy !req
121. of this bequeathment.Copy !req
122. It's a check for $10,000Copy !req
123. with the payee line blank,Copy !req
124. so that you can give it
to the charity of your choice.Copy !req
125. Wow.Copy !req
126. Pierce, this is... surprising.Copy !req
127. After what you gave Shirley,Copy !req
128. we thought you were playing mind games.Copy !req
129. Thank you.Copy !req
130. Of course, if you are so inclined,Copy !req
131. you could always write
your own name in there.Copy !req
132. Toodles.Copy !req
133. I don't want to die in a place like this.Copy !req
134. People shouldn't die in the same placeCopy !req
135. as People magazines do.Copy !req
136. I hope to die surrounded by my family.Copy !req
137. That's the only way I agreed to beCopy !req
138. surrounded by my family.Copy !req
139. Me and Abed have an agreement.Copy !req
140. If one of us dies, we stage it to lookCopy !req
141. like a suicide caused
by the unjust cancellationCopy !req
142. of Firefly.Copy !req
143. We're gonna get that show back
on the air, buddy.Copy !req
144. How'd it go?Copy !req
145. Huh?Copy !req
146. Oh, fine.Copy !req
147. He gave me a check for $10,000Copy !req
148. to give to the charity of my choice.Copy !req
149. See? He's not messing with us.Copy !req
150. - Maybe he just hates Shirley.
- What?Copy !req
151. Yeah, maybe.Copy !req
152. I just need to research a few charities,Copy !req
153. because some take a lot off the topCopy !req
154. and you think you're giving money to peopleCopy !req
155. that really need it,
and you're really giving itCopy !req
156. to some middle man
who's gonna pay off their parking tickets,Copy !req
157. credit cards, and keep
from getting kicked outCopy !req
158. of her place in... April.Copy !req
159. Ah!Copy !req
160. He'd like to see Annie next.Copy !req
161. You know what? No.Copy !req
162. He'll see Jeff next.Copy !req
163. No, but you're not supposed to go...Copy !req
164. Or what? You'll do twice
as much work as a doctorCopy !req
165. for half the pay?Copy !req
166. Thank you?Copy !req
167. It's called a complisult.Copy !req
168. Part compliment, part insult.Copy !req
169. He invented them. I coined the term.Copy !req
170. See what I just did there?Copy !req
171. That was an explanabrag.Copy !req
172. Hello, Jeffrey.Copy !req
173. Pierce.Copy !req
174. I've thought about this day many times,Copy !req
175. but I've always imagined it differently.Copy !req
176. For starters, I thought
you'd be the one in bedCopy !req
177. and I'd be a hologram.Copy !req
178. What?Copy !req
179. Ah, never mind.
There's no time for that now.Copy !req
180. Pierce, it's starting to seem,Copy !req
181. from observing the others,
that you're usingCopy !req
182. the social leverage afforded you
by your alleged deathbedCopy !req
183. to exact complicated acts
of psychological vengeanceCopy !req
184. on those closest to you.Copy !req
185. Vengeance? Oh, no.Copy !req
186. I was never one to hold a grudge, Jeffrey.Copy !req
187. My father held grudges.Copy !req
188. I'll always hate him for that.Copy !req
189. Did you get along with your father?Copy !req
190. I got along without him.Copy !req
191. Oh, that's no good, Jeffrey.Copy !req
192. You don't want your dad to dieCopy !req
193. before you tell him how you feel.Copy !req
194. I'm sure you're right.Copy !req
195. Look, let's nip this in the bud.Copy !req
196. Pierce, we're sorry we didn't respondCopy !req
197. quickly enough to your pill addiction.Copy !req
198. Is there any chance that apology is enough?Copy !req
199. Are you ready to be
bequeathed upon, Jeff?Copy !req
200. Yeah.Copy !req
201. Blow my mind.Copy !req
202. I found your father.Copy !req
203. Did you now?Copy !req
204. William Winger, born Oklahoma City, 1945.Copy !req
205. 1974, married Doreen Fitzgerald.Copy !req
206. Divorced in 1983.Copy !req
207. Most recently residing in Dorchester.Copy !req
208. Currently sitting in a town car on its wayCopy !req
209. to this very hospital.Copy !req
210. Should be here in an hour or so,Copy !req
211. give or take a father.Copy !req
212. That it?Copy !req
213. Yep.Copy !req
214. All right.Copy !req
215. See you at the funeral.Copy !req
216. And so it is bequeathed.Copy !req
217. What are you gonna say to your dad?Copy !req
218. I'm not gonna say anything
because I won't have to,Copy !req
219. because Pierce is playing
head games with us.Copy !req
220. I've decided not to listen to it.Copy !req
221. What?Copy !req
222. I'm not gonna listen to the CDCopy !req
223. of you guys talking about me.Copy !req
224. Because I forgive you.Copy !req
225. But how do we know
what we're being forgiven for?Copy !req
226. We don't even know what's on there.Copy !req
227. And you never have to.Copy !req
228. Hmm.Copy !req
229. But what if he is coming, though?Copy !req
230. What are you gonna say to him?Copy !req
231. Here. I'll be him. I'll be him.Copy !req
232. Hi. Hey.Copy !req
233. Hi, I'm Jeff's dad. Hi.Copy !req
234. Hi. Hi, Jeff's dad.Copy !req
235. I'm Britta's dad.Copy !req
236. - What? Why?
- I don't know.Copy !req
237. Got drunk, didn't have a condom,Copy !req
238. and her mom gets freaky
when she hears oingo boingo.Copy !req
239. Oh, God, I wish I could relate,Copy !req
240. but much like my son,
I'm a closet homosexual.Copy !req
241. Don't apologize for that.Copy !req
242. You're talking to the guy
that banged Britta's mom.Copy !req
243. I have no standards.Copy !req
244. Well, what do you say we take a tumble?Copy !req
245. I'll put on a wig.Copy !req
246. That's it. You're under arrest.Copy !req
247. I'm an undercover cop.Copy !req
248. It's not illegal to be gay.Copy !req
249. It is here in Iran.Copy !req
250. Not when we're in the green zone.Copy !req
251. That's Iraq, stupid.Copy !req
252. Well, what do I know?Copy !req
253. I'm Jeff Winger's dumb, gay dad.Copy !req
254. My father was a two-bit con manCopy !req
255. of so little substance
he couldn't leave a trailCopy !req
256. if he wanted to.Copy !req
257. And I don't care if Pierce
hired Scotland Yard.Copy !req
258. He isn't gonna track him down
from a hospital bed.Copy !req
259. I mean, money can't just
make people appear.Copy !req
260. Excuse me.Copy !req
261. I'm looking for Troy Barnes.Copy !req
262. Pierce Hawthorne sent me.Copy !req
263. Hey, Troy?Copy !req
264. Hi.Copy !req
265. I'm Levar Burton.Copy !req
266. Pierce got Levar Burton
to come here for Troy?Copy !req
267. Is there anyone he can't produce?Copy !req
268. Now I'm really getting mad.Copy !req
269. Why am I the only one
he decided to torture?Copy !req
270. I told Pierce a thousand timesCopy !req
271. I never wanted to meet Levar in person!Copy !req
272. I just wanted a picture!Copy !req
273. You can't disappoint a picture!Copy !req
274. I hate you, Pierce!Copy !req
275. I hate you so much!Copy !req
276. Ahem.Copy !req
277. Annie, I forgive you.Copy !req
278. Annie Edison.Copy !req
279. Your bequeathal is at hand.Copy !req
280. Do you have a regular job here?Copy !req
281. Annie, I know you're being strong for me.Copy !req
282. I give you permission to weep.Copy !req
283. I'm crying on the inside.Copy !req
284. Gross.Copy !req
285. Well, in any case,Copy !req
286. I want to give you this.Copy !req
287. It's been in my family for six generations.Copy !req
288. Now it's yours.Copy !req
289. Thank you.Copy !req
290. Jeff, do you want to see your dad?Copy !req
291. - He's not coming.
- But do you want to see him?Copy !req
292. No.Copy !req
293. Then why aren't you leaving?Copy !req
294. Because I don't care and I'm notCopy !req
295. gonna let him think that I care.Copy !req
296. Your dad or Pierce?Copy !req
297. There is no dad.Copy !req
298. And get this thing out of my face!Copy !req
299. And don't you dare intercut thisCopy !req
300. with footage of me freaking out.Copy !req
301. Oh!Copy !req
302. Is there footage of you freaking out?Copy !req
303. Abed, I'm gonna kill youCopy !req
304. and Pierce and BrittaCopy !req
305. and anyone else who thinks I careCopy !req
306. about any of this!Copy !req
307. So do you go to school nearby?Copy !req
308. Well, are you more familiar with meCopy !req
309. from Star Trek or Reading Rainbow?Copy !req
310. Reading Rainbow was a show
I hosted and producedCopy !req
311. for 25 years on PBS.Copy !req
312. Ever seen it?Copy !req
313. Set phasers to "love me"!Copy !req
314. What does it mean?Copy !req
315. What do you mean "what does it mean"?Copy !req
316. No riddles.Copy !req
317. You're screwing around with everyone.Copy !req
318. You gave me a tiara. What does it mean?Copy !req
319. Are these... are these blood diamonds?Copy !req
320. Are they holocaust diamonds?Copy !req
321. No!Copy !req
322. Well, what does it mean?Copy !req
323. It means you're my favorite.Copy !req
324. What does that mean?Copy !req
325. I did it.Copy !req
326. I gave away the money.Copy !req
327. The red cross.Copy !req
328. You know what that makes me?Copy !req
329. A terrible person.Copy !req
330. Because if that camera wasn't on me,Copy !req
331. I would have taken that moneyCopy !req
332. right out of the mouths of crippled,Copy !req
333. starving, malaria-ridden refugee kidsCopy !req
334. and now I know that forever.Copy !req
335. Thanks, Pierce.Copy !req
336. Britta, you've got to forgive yourself.Copy !req
337. Look at me.Copy !req
338. I've forgiven all of you
for the horrible things...Copy !req
339. Oh, for crying out loud, Shirley,
give me that CD.Copy !req
340. - Oh!
- We're gonna listen to it.Copy !req
341. I don't want to listen to it.Copy !req
342. Britta, please. Britta.Copy !req
343. Britta, wait.Copy !req
344. Britta!Copy !req
345. I'll be right back.Copy !req
346. Don't learn anything without me.Copy !req
347. So how much do we all hate Shirley?Copy !req
348. Pierce, knock it off.Copy !req
349. Hey, James Bond, stop trying to record usCopy !req
350. with that stupid spy pen.Copy !req
351. We can see the blinking light.Copy !req
352. Why do you keep trying to record usCopy !req
353. bad-mouthing each other?Copy !req
354. Because he thinks friendship
is a competitionCopy !req
355. and he's always trying
to get the upper hand.Copy !req
356. Think Shirley's any different?Copy !req
357. - Yes.
- Moron.Copy !req
358. Hello!Copy !req
359. Guess we do owe you an apology, Shirley.Copy !req
360. We shouldn't have said
those things about you.Copy !req
361. I guess the lesson here isCopy !req
362. that I sometimes use guilt as a weapon.Copy !req
363. What are you doing?Copy !req
364. Oh, just shooting a talking headCopy !req
365. or did you want me to be the only oneCopy !req
366. who didn't have one?Copy !req
367. No, go ahead.Copy !req
368. I think it stems from when I was...Copy !req
369. So you found my father?Copy !req
370. Yes, he's on his way.Copy !req
371. I mean, if this is too much to handle,Copy !req
372. I completely understand
and I can call it off.Copy !req
373. Actually, I think I'm ready to see him.Copy !req
374. Good. Good for you.Copy !req
375. Oh, I should probably tell you...Copy !req
376. If you're lying to me,
if my father isn't coming,Copy !req
377. if a car pulls up and
anyone other than my fatherCopy !req
378. steps out...
say, an actor or you in a wig...Copy !req
379. If you try to pull any Ferris Bueller,Copy !req
380. Parent Trap, Three's Company, F/X,Copy !req
381. The Deadly Art of Illusion Bull,Copy !req
382. I will beat you...Copy !req
383. And there will be nothing
madcap or wacky about it.Copy !req
384. Understood?Copy !req
385. Crystal.Copy !req
386. - Hi.
- HeyCopy !req
387. - I'm Levar.
- Oh, I know.Copy !req
388. I was a huge fan of Rebop.Copy !req
389. It was cancelled before I was born,Copy !req
390. but I scored some VHS copies.Copy !req
391. I was nostalgic from a very early age.Copy !req
392. Cool.Copy !req
393. Hey, you know, I assumed
that Troy was a fan,Copy !req
394. but he hasn't said a word
to me since I got hereCopy !req
395. and now I've got to catch this flight.Copy !req
396. No! No! You can't go.Copy !req
397. He loves you.Copy !req
398. He talks about you all the time.Copy !req
399. How much would it cost
to change your flight till tomorrow?Copy !req
400. Is, um, $261 enough?Copy !req
401. 'Cause that's all I've got.Copy !req
402. - That's all you've got?
- Yeah.Copy !req
403. No, you... you keep your money.Copy !req
404. I'll... I'll reschedule.Copy !req
405. Oh, my God. Thank you.Copy !req
406. He's gonna be so happy.Copy !req
407. You know, you are a very generous friend,Copy !req
408. but you're really stupid with your money.Copy !req
409. It's not that I'm selfish.Copy !req
410. It's just that I'm really stupid
with my money,Copy !req
411. which is why I'll never have a lot of itCopy !req
412. and because I'm a really generous friend.Copy !req
413. Problem solved.Copy !req
414. Dilemma deleted.Copy !req
415. Britta for the win!Copy !req
416. Oh, thank God he didn't take it.Copy !req
417. Could you imagine bouncing
a check to Kunta Kinte?Copy !req
418. Hello?Copy !req
419. Jeffrey, this is your father.Copy !req
420. Uh-huh?Copy !req
421. It's me here in this sedan.Copy !req
422. See? I'm waving.Copy !req
423. I'm sorry I can't come any closer, my boy.Copy !req
424. This is too difficult.Copy !req
425. You look too much like your mother.Copy !req
426. No, no. Don't come any closer.Copy !req
427. As you were.Copy !req
428. Well, have to catch a flight to Katmandu,Copy !req
429. but I just wanted to say
cherish the new friendsCopy !req
430. that you've made.Copy !req
431. They're your true family now!Copy !req
432. No! Don't open it!Copy !req
433. It'll be too hard for both of us!Copy !req
434. - Oh, Jeff!
- Jeff!Copy !req
435. - Son of a...!
- Oh, no!Copy !req
436. - Oh!
- Jeff!Copy !req
437. No, no, no!Copy !req
438. When you improvise a plan,Copy !req
439. sometimes you hit a speed bump.Copy !req
440. And sometimes you hit it so hardCopy !req
441. that you soar through the air,Copy !req
442. far beyond your initial expectations.Copy !req
443. I set out to take revenge on Jeff Winger,Copy !req
444. to scare him with the ghost of his father.Copy !req
445. Instead, I took over
the role of his father,Copy !req
446. and helped make him a better man.Copy !req
447. It'll be a long time before Jeff WingerCopy !req
448. underestimates me again.Copy !req
449. Jeff, no!Copy !req
450. Why would you do something like this?Copy !req
451. Jeff! Come on, Jeff!Copy !req
452. Because I'm sick of you peopleCopy !req
453. not taking me seriously!Copy !req
454. You forget my birthday!Copy !req
455. You don't invite me
to your Dungeons and Dragons gamesCopy !req
456. or your secret trampoline!Copy !req
457. You guys think I'm some kind of a joke!Copy !req
458. This isn't disproving the theory!Copy !req
459. Good point.Copy !req
460. What'd you say? What'd you say?Copy !req
461. What did you say?Copy !req
462. Apparently I need to say
some things to my father.Copy !req
463. Things that I may have screamed
at Pierce instead.Copy !req
464. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it.Copy !req
465. But my father deserves it too.Copy !req
466. Pierce?Copy !req
467. I figured out your test.Copy !req
468. Crowns, presents, punishments, favorites.Copy !req
469. You're trying to show me the dangersCopy !req
470. of my own elitism.Copy !req
471. My constant striving to be the best.Copy !req
472. So I'm requeathing this tiara.Copy !req
473. Because if I become the kind of personCopy !req
474. who thinks it's their place
to pick favoritesCopy !req
475. and torture the rest,
I'll die sad and alone.Copy !req
476. And that's what you were trying
to teach me.Copy !req
477. Very good, Annie.Copy !req
478. You pass.Copy !req
479. She's actually just my favorite.Copy !req
480. So I thought the documentary formatCopy !req
481. would be like fish in a barrel,Copy !req
482. but as is the case
with a real barrel of fish,Copy !req
483. after a while, it can become cramped,Copy !req
484. chaotic, and stinky.Copy !req
485. In their floor and bats...Copy !req
486. Fortunately, if in the end,
your documentary is turning outCopy !req
487. just as messy as real life,Copy !req
488. you can always wrap it up with a seriesCopy !req
489. of random shots, which when cut togetherCopy !req
490. under a generic voice-over,Copy !req
491. suggest a profound thematic connection.Copy !req
492. I'm not knocking it.Copy !req
493. It works.Copy !req
494. Guys.Copy !req
495. Oh.Copy !req
496. Aww.Copy !req
497. Jeff and I became...Copy !req
498. Kind of like father and son today.Copy !req
499. No, we did not.Copy !req
500. Troy, I am telling you, man,Copy !req
501. this salmon is really good.Copy !req
502. Would you mind passing me the pepper?Copy !req
503. Well, more fish for Kunta.Copy !req