1. Why does being a librarian
make her even hotter?
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2. They're keepers of knowledge.
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3. She holds the answers
to all of our questions,
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4. like, "will you marry me,"
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5. and "why are there still libraries."
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6. I wanna be a book. She can pick me up.
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7. Flip through my pages.
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8. Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.
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9. Hey, maybe if we're too loud,
she'll shush us.
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10. Books!
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11. Pretend like you're asleep.
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12. Jeff.
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13. What do you do when
you and your best friend
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14. wanna ask the same girl
to the Valentine's dance,
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15. but neither of you have dibs
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16. because you both fell in love
with her at first sight?
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17. Well, I don't believe in dibs,
or love at first sight,
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18. or love, or best friends, or doing things.
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19. But it's good you brought this to me.
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20. You're gonna have to open
your heart one day, Jeff.
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21. What happens if I don't?
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22. I miss the heart opening deadline?
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23. Valentine's Crapentine's.
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24. Opening my heart is on my list.
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25. Pierce?
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26. - Mm-hmm.
- What was that?
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27. - Gum.
- Why aren't you chewing?
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28. Because I'm using my mouth
for this dumb conversation.
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29. Bye.
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30. That's my friend page.
She's cool, but... Whatever.
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31. - She's cute.
- Oh, Troy.
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32. Before you go barking up that tree,
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33. I have to tell you that
she might not be interested.
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34. Why wouldn't she be...
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35. Oh! Is she...
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36. A friend of Ellen?
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37. Yes, Annie. But you can say the word.
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38. Page is a... Lesbian.
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39. Pierce, as someone who's been
calling me a lesbian
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40. for the last year and a half,
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41. I'm sure that you don't have
anything to say
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42. about me being friends with one.
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43. Nothing off the cuff.
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44. What I do have is a prepared statement.
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45. Community 2x15 - Early 21st Century Romanticism
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46. And in summation,
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47. good luck...
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48. and bon appetit.
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49. Many, many paragraphs of that
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50. were oddly supportive.
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51. Wait till you hear the one
I have for you.
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52. Okay. I know that wasn't gum.
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53. You're right.
It was an awesome exit pill.
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54. Zip! Zop! Zooey!
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55. Bye!
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56. We gotta do something about Pierce
and those pain killers.
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57. He's recovering
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58. dude can moonwalk!
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59. Now, I'm sure he's almost
through his prescription.
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60. Besides, he's a baby boom.
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61. They invented drugs.
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62. Yeah, they also invented TV.
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63. Have you seen him control one of those?
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64. Intervention. Intervention, intervention.
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65. - Count me out.
- We can't count you out.
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66. He listens to you.
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67. Well, he also listens
to the Barenaked Ladies.
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68. Go get their dumb asses to help you.
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69. - Back it up!
- Okay, Jeff.
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70. You are clearly in a bad space today.
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71. But Pierce is our friend,
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72. and the Barenaked Ladies
are triple platinum... Are you?
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73. Why does everyone leap
to defend that band
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74. so aggressively?
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75. And how much stuff do we have
to go through this year
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76. before my friendship
stops being questioned?
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77. Well, maybe friendship
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78. is about going through
a lot of stuff, Jeff.
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79. And maybe BNL has
two Billboard awards to your zero.
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80. Oh, okay. They're... they're BNL now.
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81. We use shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies.
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82. That's how fundamental they are.
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83. - Yeah.
- Yeah!
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84. You know what Pierce probably
needs more than anything?
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85. Some space. Maybe I do too.
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86. You know what?
Maybe we all need some space
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87. to pull the knife out of the back
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88. of the most celebrated Canadian
alt rock band
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89. of the mid-nineties,
you selfish, jaded ass!
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90. This... is a fight!
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91. We... are fighting!
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92. Jeff. Hello!
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93. I hear you're fighting
with your study group.
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94. - Correct.
- Now, you won't know this,
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95. being American, but tonight
Liverpool are playing...
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96. - Manchester United.
- Manchester United.
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97. I am a stylish American, professor.
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98. I've been forcing myself
to be into soccer since 2004.
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99. Ah! Then it's destiny.
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100. God gave you a British friend
and a massive TV for a reason.
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101. Oh, it's Valentine's Day,
and even though we're fighting,
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102. I did promise the study group
I'd go to the dance...
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103. You promised the study group?
Whip, crack!
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104. I'll see you at precisely 6:30,
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105. or as the English call it,
gravedigger's biscuits.
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106. Okay?
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107. That moonwalk back there
was streets ahead, buddy.
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108. Hey, thanks, buddy.
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109. - Hey, Pierce!
- Hey, it's you!
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110. Yeah. The tiny man you see
when you take enough pills.
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111. We have a good time, don't we, Pierce?
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112. - I ain't hurtin'.
- And you wanna keep this going,
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113. right, 'cause... I'm sure you've noticed
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114. the prescription is almost done.
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115. Ah. Ha. I don't think the doctor...
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116. Doctor, you know, I know he won't...
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117. Pierce, if doctors are so smart,
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118. why are there millions of 'em?
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119. Look in your hand.
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120. It's Valentine's, buddy.
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121. Be mine.
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122. Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir.
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123. - My associate Troy Barnes.
- Charmed, I'm sure.
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124. Are you the guys that keep staring at me
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125. and intermittently yelling out, "books"?
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126. The very same.
We are both interested
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127. in taking you to the Valentine's dance,
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128. but we are also best friends
with each other.
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129. It is of utmost importance
we protect that friendship
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130. from the stresses of courting you,
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131. so we're trying to be as direct
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132. and aboveboard about this as possible.
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133. Will you go to the dance with one of us,
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134. and if so, which one?
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135. We need to get something straight first.
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136. This is the cutest thing
that's ever happened to me.
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137. But... I don't know either one of you.
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138. Give us a moment.
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139. Dude, I need to eat those tacos.
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140. New proposal: Get to know us at the dance
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141. and decide there which
of us you'd like to see again.
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142. Okay. Deal.
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143. Nice.
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144. What's in the briefcase?
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145. Oh. Tacos.
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146. You want one?
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147. No.
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148. Great. We really wanted them.
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149. Yeah. We're gonna eat them.
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150. So like... Would you change
clothes in front of her?
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151. Annie, I know your lack
of world experience
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152. creates curiosity, but questions like that
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153. can make you seem a little bit homophobic.
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154. It's homophobic to ask questions?
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155. If you have to ask
if it's homophobic to ask questions,
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156. haven't you already answered
your own question?
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157. Have I?
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158. Don't know. Not a homophobe.
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159. Oh. There's Page.
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160. Should I ask her 500 questions
about being a lesbian?
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161. Or should I just treat her
like a normal person?
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162. That's a question you can ask.
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163. - Hey.
- Hi.
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164. - I'm not a lesbian.
- Oh!
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165. - I'm not either.
- Oh.
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166. But it's cool that you're friends
with one.
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167. Oh.
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168. Page isn't a lesbian.
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169. She just likes hanging out with Britta,
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170. because it makes her feel cool
to have a lesbian friend.
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171. But... Britta's not a lesbian.
She thinks that Page is.
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172. Guess what, Annie.
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173. Page and I are going
to the dance together.
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174. Hope I stay straight, right?
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175. Oh, sorry. My friend's a tad homophobic,
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176. so I was doing a bit.
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177. Pretty exciting first half.
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178. Yeah, 0-0. Electrifying.
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179. Aw. Worried that your six-headed
ball and chain
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180. will be calling?
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181. Fine.
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182. That's better, you big slut.
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183. It's Chang!
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184. Chang? Why?
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185. I don't know!
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186. I can hear you guys.
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187. What are you doing here, Chang,
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188. and how do you know where I live?
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189. I can answer both of those questions
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190. by returning your driver's license.
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191. Ha!
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192. There it is!
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193. Man U. versus Liverpool!
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194. For God's sake, just let him in.
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195. He's wearing the right colors
and everything.
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196. - Come in.
- Don't mind if I Chang!
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197. Heh heh. Hey, man, check this out.
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198. Ya-haa!
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199. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
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200. Anyway, the thing I was going
to show you guys
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201. is pretty cool.
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202. I'm ignoring you and watching soccer.
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203. Just sit down, Chang.
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204. There's space for three fannies
on this sofa.
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205. Hey. In England,
fanny means vagina, right?
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206. In England, everything means vagina.
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207. I'm gonna make it up to you, Winger.
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208. Even though, like I said,
weird place to put a lamp.
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209. - But let me order a pizza.
- Ooh, I love pizza!
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210. In england we call them Italian fannies.
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211. I'm hookin' us up!
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212. - Cellie...
- Ah. Go use the landline.
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213. Landline? Okay, grandma Bell.
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214. Star-burns, it's Chang.
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215. Remember that pizza you owe me?
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216. Well, it's time to pay up.
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217. Party at Winger's. Tonight.
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218. Yeah, you can tell people.
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219. Cool. Cool.
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220. Hey, uh, wingding at Winger's.
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221. So Mariah, what you get with me
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222. is the complete package...
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223. HBO, Showtime, Starz, Starz black.
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224. Sounds expensive.
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225. With all due respect to my friend here,
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226. if you go with me,
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227. you can expect this on the dance floor.
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228. Go, go, go, go, go.
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229. Go, go, go, go, go!
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230. I feel like everyone's staring.
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231. Not that I care.
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232. Well, of course they're staring.
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233. They've probably never seen
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234. a straight girl and a lesbian
so comfortable together.
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235. Exactly.
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236. Those two were talking about us.
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237. Well, let's give them something
to really talk about.
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238. - Let's do it.
- Okay.
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239. - 'Scuse us.
- Hi.
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240. Hi. Sorry.
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241. Cool music, huh?
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242. Oh, nice call, ref!
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243. Bite my banger!
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244. Jeff, something's up
with your toothbrush, man.
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245. - What the hell?
- I had to get cleaned up.
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246. Why?
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247. Oh, yeah!
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248. Pizza time!
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249. - Leonard?
- Where are the white women at?
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250. No. There are no white
women here, Leonard.
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251. This is not a party!
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252. Don't tell that to Magnitude.
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253. Who's Magnitude?
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254. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!
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255. Pop, pop!
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256. Pop, pop!
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257. Bam!
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258. Bam!
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259. Come on in. What's up, what's up?
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260. What's up? Looking good, looking good.
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261. That's my analysis of
the Saw movie franchise.
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262. That about does it,
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263. so I think it's time for you to choose.
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264. Abed, could you get us some punch?
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265. On it.
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266. You guys are really cute together.
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267. Thank you.
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268. But you know, having to...
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269. Actually choose, I...
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270. Hey. We both agreed to this.
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271. We're both very comfortable
with each other,
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272. - so I won't be...
- No. I choose you, Troy.
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273. Punch.
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274. - Hey, Abed.
- Hey.
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275. I, um...
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276. She... Just... She chose me.
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277. Cool. You can have this then.
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278. Thank you, Mariah. Have a great night.
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279. That's great!
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280. Pierce?
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281. You go straight to hell!
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282. Wh...
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283. Ha...
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284. Oh, I'm sorry, Annie.
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285. I... I've been... I don't know.
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286. I've been going through
all these mood swings lately.
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287. You understand we care about you, right?
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288. Okay?
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289. Okay.
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290. Well, look.
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291. Here's the deal.
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292. I am not sharing you with them.
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293. So before this goes further,
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294. you have a choice to make, my friend.
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295. Ha ha! Look at the lesbians.
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296. Lesbians!
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297. - Screw you!
- Screw you!
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298. No, no.
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299. - I don't care what they say.
- Oh, I don't either.
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300. I just wish it wasn't
such an issue for them.
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301. Yeah, but that starts with us.
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302. It starts... With us.
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303. - I've never done this before.
- Me neither.
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304. Wait! What?
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305. So...
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306. Curious about one thing.
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307. What was wrong with Abed?
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308. Well, I mean, he did talk
about the Saw movies
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309. for two hours.
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310. Yeah, but there are eight of them,
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311. and they're two hours apiece,
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312. and the first one did redefine
the genre, and...
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313. Troy, I would love to be his friend.
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314. I know you would. It's incredible.
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315. But romantically, he's...
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316. You know.
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317. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her,
I hate her!
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318. - What happened?
- She called you weird!
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319. - I am weird.
- Not as weird as her!
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320. Who the hell is Nicholas Nickleby?
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321. She wouldn't shut up about it.
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322. Mm. I know.
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323. There's someone out there for us.
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324. Happy Valentine's Day.
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325. It is now.
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326. - Ignore her.
- Okay.
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327. It's weird, but I've never heard
of Magnitude
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328. before tonight.
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329. He's a one-man party!
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330. You're always busy with your study group.
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331. Well, he's not with them tonight.
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332. Oh, yeah!
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333. I thought you quit drinking, Duncan.
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334. False alarm on that one.
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335. Oh, yeah!
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336. Pop, pop!
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337. Ha ho! Pop, pop!
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338. - Pop pop pop pop pop pop!
- Pop pop pop pop pop pop!
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339. I never said I was a lesbian.
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340. Why didn't you just ask me?
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341. Oh, what am I, a homophobe?
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342. I don't care about people's preferences.
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343. You so care.
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344. You are clearly just hanging out with me
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345. because you thought I was gay.
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346. So? What were you doing with me?
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347. Hey, what does it matter, you know?
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348. We're both just humans
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349. trying to make our way through
this crazy world.
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350. You're the worst!
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351. - What?
- And for the record,
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352. I never thought you were cool.
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353. I only thought you were a lesbian.
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354. Page is straight.
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355. Really?
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356. Well...
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357. When she was gay
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358. I thought it was really cool of you
to make out with her.
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359. Thanks, Annie.
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360. Kiss!
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361. Annie!
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362. Oh, thanks, man. Just leave those.
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363. - I'll get them in the morning.
- It's okay.
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364. Are you wearing my underwear?
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365. Oh. I just needed a pair while
I did some laundry here.
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366. I don't have a washing machine.
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367. What the hell?
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368. Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't get mad,
don't get mad!
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369. I'm homeless, Jeff, okay?
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370. When my wife found out
about Shirley and me,
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371. she kicked me out...
For good this time!
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372. My whole life is in this dishwasher, man!
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373. Well, some of it's also soaking
in your bathtub.
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374. Oh...
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375. So wasted and sleepy.
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376. I could probably just crash here
and, you know,
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377. I can start looking for a place
in the morning.
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378. What... You orchestrated
this entire party
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379. just so you could weasel
your way into staying here!
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380. You weren't even going to notice.
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381. Hey, Jeff, don't kill the messenger,
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382. but you have four hermit crabs
in your bathroom sink.
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383. You'll fall in love with them.
I named one Jeff.
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384. How long did you actually think
you were gonna stay here?
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385. Just a month. Three... Tops.
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386. I mean... how long is your lease?
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387. Way to go, idiots!
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388. All right, everybody out.
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389. I'm not kidding.
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390. It's been very interesting
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391. getting to know you all much, much better.
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392. Star-burns, Leonard, Magnitude.
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393. Pop, pop
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394. swizzle, scandalous, C Dubb, Tim.
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395. Mighty D. Glisten.
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396. Good night, everyone. Faster. Move it.
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397. Thank you.
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398. Well...
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399. I hope you found tonight therapeutic,
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400. because I would love to pretend
that that was my plan.
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401. Well, I actually started to have fun
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402. until that maniac tried to move in.
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403. What is it about me that makes
broken people flock to me?
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404. Is it my height?
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405. Do huddled masses mistake me
for the Statue of Liberty?
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406. I don't know.
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407. But being as how you're halfway through
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408. your second year at Greendale,
you may want to
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409. either stop resisting
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410. or admit that you're actually
starting to enjoy it.
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411. Well, you assume I enjoy it
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412. because you think you'd enjoy it.
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413. That's true. I am very lonely.
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414. You want a, uh, nice little taste
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415. of what you're missing in a relationship
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416. with six nutcases?
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417. - Yeah!
- Let's turn on my phone
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418. and listen to the 39 messages
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419. they left tonight.
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420. You have no new messages.
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421. Huh. That's...
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422. Huh.
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423. Since you've got it turned on,
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424. why don't you call me a cab
and then pay for it?
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425. Must have been some kind of trouble.
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426. Ah...
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427. What a relief that would be.
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428. Tell you what, if you need me,
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429. I'm gonna be waiting for my cab down here.
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430. Having a special nap.
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431. Oh!
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432. Thanks, bro. I'll be gone in the morning.
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433. Yeah. Whatever.
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434. Okay. Maybe I stay a while.
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435. - Thirsty.
- Don't push it.
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436. All right...
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437. It might not shock you guys
to hear the real reason
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438. we had a fight today...
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439. It wasn't about the Barenaked Ladies.
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440. Although I do have some
unresolved issues there.
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441. Caring about a person can be scary.
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442. Caring about six people can be
a horrifying embarrassing nightmare.
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443. At least for me.
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444. But if I can't say it today,
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445. when can I say it?
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446. I love you, guys.
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447. Oh, and, Pierce...
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448. Take it from an expert...
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449. These knuckleheads
are right outside your heart.
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450. Let them in.
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451. Before it's too late.
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452. Happy Valentine's Day.
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453. - Be mine?
- Right! Yes!
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454. - Love you.
- Amazing!
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455. You're cute?
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456. No, wait.
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457. - Kiss me.
- There has got to be a way
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458. to make money off of this!
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459. I've been cheating.
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460. No. It says email me.
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