1. Hey, Buzzby, how are you today?Copy !req
2. Not so great, Bumbleton.Copy !req
3. I have a ton of pollen to collect,Copy !req
4. but I'm really tired.Copy !req
5. Flying a little low?
Maybe you should get high.Copy !req
6. - Who's this?
- This is Drugs.Copy !req
7. - Aren't drugs bad?
- No way.Copy !req
8. Drugs are like special honey.
They give you a buzzzzz.Copy !req
9. Don't call me honey, honey.Copy !req
10. Pierce!Copy !req
11. Drugs doesn't say that.Copy !req
12. I don't say anything,
by the way.Copy !req
13. I mean, I thought this show
was about drug awareness.Copy !req
14. Who's gonna be aware of a
character that has no lines?Copy !req
15. And also I noticed on page 15
I get flushed down the toilet.Copy !req
16. Consider yourself lucky.Copy !req
17. Annie, question.
Is Pierce marijuana?Copy !req
18. And does marijuana help
people work faster?Copy !req
19. I thought it made them just
custom-paint their vansCopy !req
20. and solve mysteries.Copy !req
21. Also, are you sure that
my costume is on backwards?Copy !req
22. Somehow I felt more
confident before.Copy !req
23. I have a question.
I don't think my characterCopy !req
24. would say "tripping balls."Copy !req
25. That's not a question.Copy !req
26. I don't think my characterCopy !req
27. would say tripping balls, okay?Copy !req
28. Guys, let's remember
why we're doing this.Copy !req
29. If our work helps even one
kid make better choices,Copy !req
30. then it will all be worth it.Copy !req
31. I wish I had seen a show
like this when I was younger.Copy !req
32. It might have helped
me avoid my mistakes.Copy !req
33. Well, we're happy to
do this for you, Annie,Copy !req
34. but I have to say, my school
had plenty of shows like this,Copy !req
35. and I think sitting through
them drove me to drugs.Copy !req
36. You don't count, Britta.Copy !req
37. You don't respond to
anything appropriately.Copy !req
38. Thank you!Copy !req
39. Dean-dong!Copy !req
40. I'm just checking in to seeCopy !req
41. how the Greendale antidrug
players are doing.Copy !req
42. and there's gonna be at least 50Copy !req
43. little at-risk rug rats
coming here tomorrowCopy !req
44. for your big world premiere.Copy !req
45. That is terrific.Copy !req
46. So with any luck,
we can get rid ofCopy !req
47. all those Charleston Chews
in the vending machines.Copy !req
48. Um, dean Pelton,
were you hoping to participateCopy !req
49. - in the show?
- Oh, I would love to, Annie.Copy !req
50. But as you can see from my outfit,Copy !req
51. I already have plans,
so off to the airport Ramada!Copy !req
52. How come he gets
a front stinger?Copy !req
53. Community 2x13 - Celebrity PharmacologyCopy !req
54. Do you think bees
eat their own honey?Copy !req
55. I'm sure they've
at least tasted it.Copy !req
56. - This guy keeps texting me.
- You don't like him?Copy !req
57. I don't like flirting in text.Copy !req
58. That's like saying you
don't work by electric light.Copy !req
59. If you want to have
an active sex life,Copy !req
60. part of it is texting.Copy !req
61. Hmm. I don't remember
asking your opinion.Copy !req
62. Can't talk now.Copy !req
63. Shirley, since I might be the
father of your unborn child,Copy !req
64. I made you a mix tape.Copy !req
65. I hope you like Johnny Gill.Copy !req
66. And since you probably don't
have a cassette player,Copy !req
67. here's a list of used
ones on Craigslist.Copy !req
68. Britta, are you walking
out of this room?Copy !req
69. Uh... yeah.Copy !req
70. Hey... you know that you're gonnaCopy !req
71. have to acknowledge
him eventually.Copy !req
72. I don't know who
you're talking about.Copy !req
73. - Chang. - I know who you're talking
about... He doesn't exist!Copy !req
74. - Um, Annie?
- Ooh!Copy !req
75. - I'm sorry. A word?
- Mm-hmm!Copy !req
76. I don't know if you know this,Copy !req
77. but I did TV commercials
for Hawthorne Wipes...Copy !req
78. family business... in the fifties.Copy !req
79. Oh!Copy !req
80. I was kind of the Gerber
Baby of moist towelettes.Copy !req
81. - That's great, Pierce.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
82. Oh, I've done a lot of acting.Copy !req
83. - Workshops.
- Mm!Copy !req
84. I do physical comedy.
Funny dances.Copy !req
85. - Foreign accents.
- Accents?Copy !req
86. Name any country.Copy !req
87. Russia.Copy !req
88. Point being,Copy !req
89. there are many tools I
can bring to the tableCopy !req
90. that I think the
script may be wasting.Copy !req
91. Pierce, you know what I thinkCopy !req
92. is really great about this show?Copy !req
93. The only real star
of it is the message.Copy !req
94. Right. Uh... is the
message Jeff Winger?Copy !req
95. Because he's on every
page of this thing.Copy !req
96. - I'll see you tomorrow.
- Uh...Copy !req
97. You bet.Copy !req
98. Oh, Britta left her phone.Copy !req
99. - She's getting a text message.
- Let me see.Copy !req
100. - Oh. It's from Marcus.
- Mm.Copy !req
101. "I'll be at the
show tomorrow night.Copy !req
102. "Can't wait to see you.Copy !req
103. Are you really wearing
a cat costume?"Copy !req
104. - Mm.
- Well, Marcus...Copy !req
105. You are in luck.Copy !req
106. What are you doing?Copy !req
107. Dragging Britta kicking
and screaming into 1997.Copy !req
108. - What did you say?
- "There's not muchCopy !req
109. "to the cat costume,Copy !req
110. but can't wait to show
you what's underneath."Copy !req
111. How could you think
that was a good idea?Copy !req
112. - I got a better question.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
113. How could it not
be a great idea?Copy !req
114. What...Copy !req
115. Pierce... what are you doing here?Copy !req
116. Never mind that.Copy !req
117. There's a rapist in the hallway.Copy !req
118. That's my landlord.Copy !req
119. And if he wanted to rape you,
you'd be raped.Copy !req
120. Did you follow me?Copy !req
121. Let me answer your
question with two of my own.Copy !req
122. What are you doing in an
apartment above Dildopolis?Copy !req
123. And when did they open
a second location?Copy !req
124. This is where I live, Pierce.Copy !req
125. It just happens to be
above a marital aid store.Copy !req
126. I don't get it.
Aren't everyone's parents rich?Copy !req
127. Well, I'm not
speaking to my parents.Copy !req
128. After my nervous breakdown,Copy !req
129. my mom wanted to put
the problem behind us,Copy !req
130. and I wanted to deal with it,
so I went to rehab,Copy !req
131. and she cut me off.Copy !req
132. What are you living on?Copy !req
133. I saved. Every penny
from babysitting,Copy !req
134. every birthday check,Copy !req
135. every dollar from the Period
Fairy when I was a kid.Copy !req
136. I guess I thought it
would last longer.Copy !req
137. Excuse me.
What's a Period Fairy?Copy !req
138. The fairy that
gives you a dollarCopy !req
139. every time you get your period.Copy !req
140. Does she still come?Copy !req
141. - Pierce!
- You know,Copy !req
142. you and I are very
much alike, Annie.Copy !req
143. We're both realists.
We're both cute.Copy !req
144. And we'd both rather die than
let someone else control us.Copy !req
145. I see the point of this place now.Copy !req
146. This crap hole is a monumentCopy !req
147. to self-reliance.Copy !req
148. I found the drapes
in a dumpster.Copy !req
149. Can you believe it?Copy !req
150. Yes.Copy !req
151. You know, I wanna help, Annie.Copy !req
152. Oh, no. No, no, no,
no, no, Pierce.Copy !req
153. - Come on, now.
- I'm not taking money from you.Copy !req
154. It's not mine. It's yours.Copy !req
155. You've earned it for being strong.Copy !req
156. It's going to drop into your
hands from out of nowhere.Copy !req
157. Because I was never here.Copy !req
158. Okay. I'm only taking thisCopy !req
159. because I'm a little
worried about making rent,Copy !req
160. and they told me the
procedure for selling eggsCopy !req
161. takes three weeks.Copy !req
162. You save your eggs
for a rainy day.Copy !req
163. I'll see you tomorrow.Copy !req
164. Pierce?Copy !req
165. Hey, why did you
follow me here today?Copy !req
166. Oh! It was nothing, it...Copy !req
167. Seems sort of pointless now.Copy !req
168. I guess just to
talk about the playCopy !req
169. and... Who cares if I
don't have any lines?Copy !req
170. Well, you know what, Pierce?Copy !req
171. You should do that
line you improvised.Copy !req
172. - "Don't call me honey, honey"?
- Yeah, that's it.Copy !req
173. You should do that.Copy !req
174. You were the Gerber Baby
of moist towelettes, right?Copy !req
175. Yes. Yes, I was.Copy !req
176. Action!Copy !req
177. Hello. I'm Cornelius Hawthorne.Copy !req
178. One rainy day, my son Pierce and ICopy !req
179. were taking a stroll
when I discoveredCopy !req
180. the cleansing power of moist cotton,
fresh from the field.Copy !req
181. Isn't that right, son?Copy !req
182. It sure is.Copy !req
183. It sure is, dad!Copy !req
184. Pierce, knock it off.Copy !req
185. I wanna be in the
commercial too, father.Copy !req
186. Well, then you
should have done betterCopy !req
187. in your damn audition.Copy !req
188. What's your name, son?Copy !req
189. Nigel.Copy !req
190. You're a good boy, Nigel.Copy !req
191. Your father is a lucky man.Copy !req
192. Okay, guys, remember,Copy !req
193. the most important
thing is to have fun!Copy !req
194. And the second most
important thingCopy !req
195. is to know all your lines
and all your blockingCopy !req
196. and not mess up a single thing.
Actually... flip those.Copy !req
197. Here we go, guys.
I took the libertyCopy !req
198. of juicing up some of our bits.Copy !req
199. Um... But...Copy !req
200. Pierce, you can't just
revise Annie's script.Copy !req
201. And who uses wite-out anymore?Copy !req
202. Why don't we look
over Pierce's changesCopy !req
203. and see if they improve things?Copy !req
204. "Hey, Crayon, do you know
where I can get some drugs?Copy !req
205. I need them."Copy !req
206. "Unfortunately,
you can get them anywhere."Copy !req
207. - "Anywhere?"
- I'm here!Copy !req
208. Zabba-da-zooey!Copy !req
209. Good one.Copy !req
210. Well, doesn't seem
to hurt anything,Copy !req
211. so let's get into costume
and break a stinger!Copy !req
212. For the bees.Copy !req
213. Annie, uh...Copy !req
214. I-I don't feel comfortable
with the zabba-da-zooey line.Copy !req
215. The one you wrote?Copy !req
216. I got it!Copy !req
217. Let's give Jeff the
zabba-da-zooey line,Copy !req
218. and then I'll come
in with a good one.Copy !req
219. - Yeah...
- It's more my voice.Copy !req
220. Pretty sure Jeff is
gonna reject that idea.Copy !req
221. Yeah, you're probably right.Copy !req
222. You're the producer.Copy !req
223. By the way, is this your pen?Copy !req
224. I... think I put it
back in my pocketCopy !req
225. after I wrote you
that check yesterday.Copy !req
226. I'll give it to you later.Copy !req
227. I'll talk to Jeff.Copy !req
228. Also, I think it'd be
better for my characterCopy !req
229. if I wear his leather jacket.Copy !req
230. Okay!Copy !req
231. Welcome to Greendale's
Drug Awareness Show!Copy !req
232. Okay. Our volunteersCopy !req
233. are handing out drug-free
baseballs, huh?Copy !req
234. Next time you think about drugs,Copy !req
235. think about baseball instead.Copy !req
236. Can't ignore me forever.Copy !req
237. Okay, you probably can...Copy !req
238. I don't know why you want to.Copy !req
239. I don't know if I told
you my nephew MarcusCopy !req
240. actually goes to San
Ramone middle school,Copy !req
241. and he's coming to see the show.Copy !req
242. - Marcus? Your nephew?
- Yeah, he's 14.Copy !req
243. I actually thought he
didn't even like me,Copy !req
244. but then he texted me out
of nowhere and he said,Copy !req
245. "Can't wait to see you.Copy !req
246. "I've been looking forward
to this for so long.Copy !req
247. You are the coolest
aunt in the world."Copy !req
248. I hope that I don't let him down.Copy !req
249. - You'll be great.
- What does this symbol mean?Copy !req
250. It's a number eight,
an equal sign,Copy !req
251. and then a greater than symbol.Copy !req
252. Let me see.Copy !req
253. You'd better get changed.Copy !req
254. I'll hang onto your stuff for you.Copy !req
255. Great.Copy !req
256. Abed, we screwed up.Copy !req
257. You know that text we sent?Copy !req
258. It was to Britta's nephew.Copy !req
259. He sent her an emoti-penis.Copy !req
260. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
261. Fine. Screw you, Abed.Copy !req
262. I can fix this.Copy !req
263. "Marcus, I made a mistake.Copy !req
264. I texted the wrong
person last night."Copy !req
265. "You called me by name.
It wasn't a mistake.Copy !req
266. Don't be afraid."Copy !req
267. Screw you, Abed.Copy !req
268. "I was drunk. We can't do this."Copy !req
269. "I'm drunk too. On lust."Copy !req
270. There's a picture.Copy !req
271. Oh! That's disappointing.Copy !req
272. Wow, who does that? That's...Copy !req
273. Bees, you're up.
Cool cats, your on deck.Copy !req
274. - Aren't drugs bad?
- No way.Copy !req
275. Drugs are like special honey.Copy !req
276. They give you a buzzzzzzz.Copy !req
277. Don't call me "honey," honey.Copy !req
278. Are you ignoring me
because I'm Korean?Copy !req
279. - You're Chinese.
- Oh, there's a difference?Copy !req
280. Shh!Copy !req
281. It's because you're crazy,
all right?Copy !req
282. There's something wrong with you.Copy !req
283. And the idea that I was with youCopy !req
284. means there's something
wrong with me,Copy !req
285. and if this baby...Copy !req
286. If you have any humanity at all,Copy !req
287. you will not make
me think about it.Copy !req
288. Shirley, funeral.Copy !req
289. Well, that answers my question.Copy !req
290. Jeff Winger is sexy
even in a coffin. Mmm!Copy !req
291. I'm here.Copy !req
292. Pierce, you're
supposed to be onstage.Copy !req
293. I was looking for a lighter.Copy !req
294. What are you wearing?
This is a funeral.Copy !req
295. I got this, Annie.Copy !req
296. I can't believe Fluffy's dead.Copy !req
297. I know I'm green, but I feel blue.Copy !req
298. Look, it's Drugs with a
crazy wig and sparklers.Copy !req
299. I don't think
that's right, Drugs.Copy !req
300. Nobody asked you, Crayon.Copy !req
301. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
302. Well, I hope you're
proud of yourself, Drugs.Copy !req
303. Look what you've done.Copy !req
304. Oh, yeah? Well,
look what I'm doing now.Copy !req
305. Smells like something
died in here.Copy !req
306. What do you want us to do?Copy !req
307. Should we get the dean?Copy !req
308. Should we call in a bomb threat?Copy !req
309. Should we set off the sprinklers?Copy !req
310. It's not that big a deal.Copy !req
311. I think the kids are into it.Copy !req
312. Yeah, but I don't think that
they're getting the message.Copy !req
313. Yeah, but do kids
ever really seemCopy !req
314. like they're getting the message?Copy !req
315. I think it's sinking in.Copy !req
316. Well, I guess it's your call.Copy !req
317. And anyway, he's about to
get flushed down the toiletCopy !req
318. in the next scene,
and he'll be done.Copy !req
319. I wish I had never
even met Drugs.Copy !req
320. Who invited the
nerd from the beehive?Copy !req
321. Drugs made you.Copy !req
322. How about you leave, Drugs?Copy !req
323. Zip, pop, zoom.Copy !req
324. Whoosh!Copy !req
325. They want more.Copy !req
326. I gotta go back out there.Copy !req
327. But Pierce, you were flushed.
That was the story.Copy !req
328. That's what's supposed
to happen to Drugs.Copy !req
329. Being flushed doesn't
necessarily mean you're dead.Copy !req
330. I mean, I could be a floater.Copy !req
331. You know, a floater is when
you have a number two...Copy !req
332. I know what a floater is,
Pierce.Copy !req
333. It just... it wouldn't
make any senseCopy !req
334. in the flow of the show,
and it sends a mixed message.Copy !req
335. You know what I think
is a mixed message?Copy !req
336. Yesterday you couldn't pay your rent,
and today you can.Copy !req
337. Come on, Annie.
You and I are alike.Copy !req
338. We're independent.
We need each other.Copy !req
339. Bzzz! Getting rid of
Drugs is a great I-bee-a.Copy !req
340. I'm flying higher
than I ever have,Copy !req
341. thanks to not Drugs.Copy !req
342. - Hey!
- Hey!Copy !req
343. Ow! Hey!Copy !req
344. I'm back!Copy !req
345. Ain't no party without Drugs!Copy !req
346. I love you, Drugs!Copy !req
347. We want Drugs! We want Drugs!Copy !req
348. Listen to that!
They're high on me!Copy !req
349. I'm a God!Copy !req
350. Where is that Nigel now?Copy !req
351. And I haven't even used
my penis material yet.Copy !req
352. Pierce, enough!Copy !req
353. After intermission, I'm going
back to the original scriptCopy !req
354. and doing some damage control.Copy !req
355. Damage?Copy !req
356. The only damage is meCopy !req
357. blowing the roof off the universe.Copy !req
358. I am not letting you
go back on that stage!Copy !req
359. Well, maybe I won't
be visiting youCopy !req
360. late at night anymore
with a generous spirit.Copy !req
361. You sick, sick, sad old man.Copy !req
362. This is why I didn't want to
take money from my parents.Copy !req
363. I don't want anybody
pulling my strings.Copy !req
364. Wait, wait.
Is he giving you money?Copy !req
365. Not anymore.Copy !req
366. That's why the
script got changed.Copy !req
367. Pierce bought his way in.
Annie sold out her message.Copy !req
368. You've been
indulging this maniac?Copy !req
369. Yes. I've been
indulging this maniac.Copy !req
370. - You're fired.
- Fired?Copy !req
371. Next time I'm at Dildopolis,Copy !req
372. I will not be coming
upstairs to say hi.Copy !req
373. We want Drugs! We want Drugs!Copy !req
374. The only reason we
did this was for youCopy !req
375. and your stupid ideals,Copy !req
376. and it turns out you
don't even have any.Copy !req
377. We supported you, Annie.Copy !req
378. Yeah, Annie, you're fired.Copy !req
379. I'm sorry!Copy !req
380. Here's the situation.Copy !req
381. We've got 50 at-risk preteens,Copy !req
382. armed with baseballs,
chanting for Drugs,Copy !req
383. who just spent intermissionCopy !req
384. eating nothing but
Charleston Chews, thank God.Copy !req
385. Hope you can top act one,
is all I'm saying.Copy !req
386. Oh! Whoops.Copy !req
387. We want Drugs!Copy !req
388. - Should we bail?
- Works for me.Copy !req
389. Wait!Copy !req
390. We want Drugs!Copy !req
391. Listen to those kids.Copy !req
392. We just created 50
potential meth heads,Copy !req
393. and the least we can do
is hit the reset buttonCopy !req
394. and get that number down
to the national average.Copy !req
395. That's a suicide mission.Copy !req
396. Did someone say crazy person?Copy !req
397. No.Copy !req
398. Well, I heard it.Copy !req
399. We want Drugs! We want Drugs!Copy !req
400. Greetings, you little snots!Copy !req
401. You're not Drugs.Copy !req
402. Oh, but I am!Copy !req
403. Disappointed?Copy !req
404. Did you expect me to
stay the same forever?Copy !req
405. 'Cause that's not
what drug does, baby.Copy !req
406. I'm gonna deep-fry your dog
and eat your mama's faceCopy !req
407. and I'm gonna wear your little
brother's skin like pajamas.Copy !req
408. I control your livesCopy !req
409. and there is nothing you can do!Copy !req
410. Let's kill him!Copy !req
411. Oh, bring it on, bow-wow.Copy !req
412. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my!Copy !req
413. Aah! Aah!Copy !req
414. Is that all you've got?Copy !req
415. I gotta tell you, Annie,Copy !req
416. this is the greatest
chemical dependency programCopy !req
417. I have ever watched.Copy !req
418. I mean, the way you got the kidsCopy !req
419. to think that they needed Drugs,Copy !req
420. and then having them realizeCopy !req
421. that dependence was the enemy,Copy !req
422. that the price was just too high.Copy !req
423. Oh, genius.Copy !req
424. So now that the show is over,Copy !req
425. what is the plan for
these bee costumes?Copy !req
426. Aah! Aah! Uncle!Copy !req
427. Hi, Marcus. I'm Jeff.Copy !req
428. I'm like, uh, Britta's boyfriend.Copy !req
429. Look, dude,
she started it, okay?Copy !req
430. - She's just as into me.
- No, listen, listen.Copy !req
431. I'm not mad.Copy !req
432. I was just fooling around,Copy !req
433. and I sent those texts.Copy !req
434. - Gross.
- Yeah.Copy !req
435. Well, it was pretty disgusting,Copy !req
436. sending those
pictures to your aunt.Copy !req
437. More disgusting
than what you textedCopy !req
438. to an underage boy?Copy !req
439. Yeah, well,
I didn't know you were you.Copy !req
440. And I didn't know
you weren't my aunt.Copy !req
441. Okay, all right,Copy !req
442. let's just call this a draw.Copy !req
443. Britta doesn't need to
ever know about this.Copy !req
444. Okay, I'd be happy to,
for a price.Copy !req
445. That was brave of you.Copy !req
446. I owe you an apology.Copy !req
447. It was rude to call you crazy.Copy !req
448. Maybe I haven't been
giving you enough credit.Copy !req
449. Oh, that's really sweet.
Tell you what.Copy !req
450. Why don't I go get Chang?
You can tell him that yourself.Copy !req
451. - Oh, no.
- My God, that was amazing!Copy !req
452. - Wow!
- Good job!Copy !req
453. - Thanks!
- Amazing!Copy !req
454. Way to go, man,
go! That was awesome.Copy !req
455. They beat the crap out of you.Copy !req
456. It's okay.
I did a lot of ad-libbing.Copy !req
457. Guys, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
458. Thank you so much.
That was amazing.Copy !req
459. Even I learned something.Copy !req
460. - Oh, Annie.
- We did it.Copy !req
461. - Group hug, group hug.
- Hug, hug.Copy !req
462. - Way to save the day.
- Nice work.Copy !req
463. Did you get hit in the
face with a baseball?Copy !req
464. Yep.Copy !req
465. Annie, before you say anything,Copy !req
466. I just want you to know,Copy !req
467. even though I did nothing wrong,Copy !req
468. I'm still gonna give you money.Copy !req
469. No. I can't take
your money, Pierce.Copy !req
470. I can't go from
depending on my parentsCopy !req
471. to depending on you,Copy !req
472. which is why I'm gonna get a job.Copy !req
473. So you're cutting me off?Copy !req
474. No.Copy !req
475. Pierce, I know you
don't depend on anyone,Copy !req
476. but you do depend on
people depending on you,Copy !req
477. so I'm not gonna take your money.Copy !req
478. We're still friends?Copy !req
479. Give me a day.Copy !req
480. By the way,Copy !req
481. your mom was the
Period Fairy, right?Copy !req
482. Hey, guys, I found my phone,Copy !req
483. but has anyone seen my bra?Copy !req
484. It's 2:00 A.M.Copy !req
485. Time for Dildopolis's
night-owl deals.Copy !req
486. Please be advised,Copy !req
487. we will be closed
for President's Day.Copy !req
488. Just kidding.Copy !req
489. Dildopolis never closes.Copy !req
490. At Dildopolis, your privacy
is our top concern.Copy !req
491. All store purchases will
show up on your credit cardCopy !req
492. as ABC Dildos, incorporated.Copy !req
493. Shop until you drop.Copy !req
494. Take a load off at
our in-store cafeCopy !req
495. and enjoy an espressoCopy !req
496. or our signature
cinnamon biscotti.Copy !req