1. Hey, Buzzby, how are you today?
Copy !req
2. Not so great, Bumbleton.
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3. I have a ton of pollen to collect,
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4. but I'm really tired.
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5. Flying a little low?
Maybe you should get high.
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6. - Who's this?
- This is Drugs.
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7. - Aren't drugs bad?
- No way.
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8. Drugs are like special honey.
They give you a buzzzzz.
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9. Don't call me honey, honey.
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10. Pierce!
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11. Drugs doesn't say that.
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12. I don't say anything,
by the way.
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13. I mean, I thought this show
was about drug awareness.
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14. Who's gonna be aware of a
character that has no lines?
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15. And also I noticed on page 15
I get flushed down the toilet.
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16. Consider yourself lucky.
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17. Annie, question.
Is Pierce marijuana?
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18. And does marijuana help
people work faster?
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19. I thought it made them just
custom-paint their vans
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20. and solve mysteries.
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21. Also, are you sure that
my costume is on backwards?
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22. Somehow I felt more
confident before.
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23. I have a question.
I don't think my character
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24. would say "tripping balls."
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25. That's not a question.
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26. I don't think my character
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27. would say tripping balls, okay?
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28. Guys, let's remember
why we're doing this.
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29. If our work helps even one
kid make better choices,
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30. then it will all be worth it.
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31. I wish I had seen a show
like this when I was younger.
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32. It might have helped
me avoid my mistakes.
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33. Well, we're happy to
do this for you, Annie,
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34. but I have to say, my school
had plenty of shows like this,
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35. and I think sitting through
them drove me to drugs.
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36. You don't count, Britta.
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37. You don't respond to
anything appropriately.
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38. Thank you!
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39. Dean-dong!
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40. I'm just checking in to see
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41. how the Greendale antidrug
players are doing.
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42. and there's gonna be at least 50
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43. little at-risk rug rats
coming here tomorrow
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44. for your big world premiere.
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45. That is terrific.
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46. So with any luck,
we can get rid of
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47. all those Charleston Chews
in the vending machines.
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48. Um, dean Pelton,
were you hoping to participate
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49. - in the show?
- Oh, I would love to, Annie.
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50. But as you can see from my outfit,
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51. I already have plans,
so off to the airport Ramada!
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52. How come he gets
a front stinger?
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53. Community 2x13 - Celebrity Pharmacology
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54. Do you think bees
eat their own honey?
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55. I'm sure they've
at least tasted it.
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56. - This guy keeps texting me.
- You don't like him?
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57. I don't like flirting in text.
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58. That's like saying you
don't work by electric light.
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59. If you want to have
an active sex life,
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60. part of it is texting.
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61. Hmm. I don't remember
asking your opinion.
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62. Can't talk now.
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63. Shirley, since I might be the
father of your unborn child,
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64. I made you a mix tape.
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65. I hope you like Johnny Gill.
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66. And since you probably don't
have a cassette player,
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67. here's a list of used
ones on Craigslist.
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68. Britta, are you walking
out of this room?
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69. Uh... yeah.
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70. Hey... you know that you're gonna
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71. have to acknowledge
him eventually.
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72. I don't know who
you're talking about.
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73. - Chang. - I know who you're talking
about... He doesn't exist!
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74. - Um, Annie?
- Ooh!
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75. - I'm sorry. A word?
- Mm-hmm!
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76. I don't know if you know this,
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77. but I did TV commercials
for Hawthorne Wipes...
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78. family business... in the fifties.
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79. Oh!
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80. I was kind of the Gerber
Baby of moist towelettes.
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81. - That's great, Pierce.
- Yeah, yeah.
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82. Oh, I've done a lot of acting.
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83. - Workshops.
- Mm!
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84. I do physical comedy.
Funny dances.
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85. - Foreign accents.
- Accents?
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86. Name any country.
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87. Russia.
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88. Point being,
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89. there are many tools I
can bring to the table
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90. that I think the
script may be wasting.
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91. Pierce, you know what I think
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92. is really great about this show?
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93. The only real star
of it is the message.
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94. Right. Uh... is the
message Jeff Winger?
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95. Because he's on every
page of this thing.
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96. - I'll see you tomorrow.
- Uh...
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97. You bet.
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98. Oh, Britta left her phone.
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99. - She's getting a text message.
- Let me see.
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100. - Oh. It's from Marcus.
- Mm.
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101. "I'll be at the
show tomorrow night.
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102. "Can't wait to see you.
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103. Are you really wearing
a cat costume?"
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104. - Mm.
- Well, Marcus...
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105. You are in luck.
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106. What are you doing?
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107. Dragging Britta kicking
and screaming into 1997.
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108. - What did you say?
- "There's not much
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109. "to the cat costume,
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110. but can't wait to show
you what's underneath."
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111. How could you think
that was a good idea?
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112. - I got a better question.
- Mm-hmm.
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113. How could it not
be a great idea?
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114. What...
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115. Pierce... what are you doing here?
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116. Never mind that.
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117. There's a rapist in the hallway.
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118. That's my landlord.
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119. And if he wanted to rape you,
you'd be raped.
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120. Did you follow me?
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121. Let me answer your
question with two of my own.
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122. What are you doing in an
apartment above Dildopolis?
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123. And when did they open
a second location?
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124. This is where I live, Pierce.
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125. It just happens to be
above a marital aid store.
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126. I don't get it.
Aren't everyone's parents rich?
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127. Well, I'm not
speaking to my parents.
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128. After my nervous breakdown,
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129. my mom wanted to put
the problem behind us,
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130. and I wanted to deal with it,
so I went to rehab,
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131. and she cut me off.
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132. What are you living on?
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133. I saved. Every penny
from babysitting,
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134. every birthday check,
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135. every dollar from the Period
Fairy when I was a kid.
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136. I guess I thought it
would last longer.
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137. Excuse me.
What's a Period Fairy?
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138. The fairy that
gives you a dollar
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139. every time you get your period.
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140. Does she still come?
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141. - Pierce!
- You know,
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142. you and I are very
much alike, Annie.
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143. We're both realists.
We're both cute.
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144. And we'd both rather die than
let someone else control us.
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145. I see the point of this place now.
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146. This crap hole is a monument
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147. to self-reliance.
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148. I found the drapes
in a dumpster.
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149. Can you believe it?
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150. Yes.
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151. You know, I wanna help, Annie.
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152. Oh, no. No, no, no,
no, no, Pierce.
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153. - Come on, now.
- I'm not taking money from you.
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154. It's not mine. It's yours.
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155. You've earned it for being strong.
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156. It's going to drop into your
hands from out of nowhere.
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157. Because I was never here.
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158. Okay. I'm only taking this
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159. because I'm a little
worried about making rent,
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160. and they told me the
procedure for selling eggs
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161. takes three weeks.
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162. You save your eggs
for a rainy day.
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163. I'll see you tomorrow.
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164. Pierce?
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165. Hey, why did you
follow me here today?
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166. Oh! It was nothing, it...
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167. Seems sort of pointless now.
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168. I guess just to
talk about the play
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169. and... Who cares if I
don't have any lines?
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170. Well, you know what, Pierce?
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171. You should do that
line you improvised.
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172. - "Don't call me honey, honey"?
- Yeah, that's it.
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173. You should do that.
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174. You were the Gerber Baby
of moist towelettes, right?
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175. Yes. Yes, I was.
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176. Action!
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177. Hello. I'm Cornelius Hawthorne.
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178. One rainy day, my son Pierce and I
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179. were taking a stroll
when I discovered
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180. the cleansing power of moist cotton,
fresh from the field.
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181. Isn't that right, son?
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182. It sure is.
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183. It sure is, dad!
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184. Pierce, knock it off.
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185. I wanna be in the
commercial too, father.
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186. Well, then you
should have done better
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187. in your damn audition.
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188. What's your name, son?
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189. Nigel.
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190. You're a good boy, Nigel.
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191. Your father is a lucky man.
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192. Okay, guys, remember,
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193. the most important
thing is to have fun!
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194. And the second most
important thing
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195. is to know all your lines
and all your blocking
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196. and not mess up a single thing.
Actually... flip those.
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197. Here we go, guys.
I took the liberty
Copy !req
198. of juicing up some of our bits.
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199. Um... But...
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200. Pierce, you can't just
revise Annie's script.
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201. And who uses wite-out anymore?
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202. Why don't we look
over Pierce's changes
Copy !req
203. and see if they improve things?
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204. "Hey, Crayon, do you know
where I can get some drugs?
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205. I need them."
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206. "Unfortunately,
you can get them anywhere."
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207. - "Anywhere?"
- I'm here!
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208. Zabba-da-zooey!
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209. Good one.
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210. Well, doesn't seem
to hurt anything,
Copy !req
211. so let's get into costume
and break a stinger!
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212. For the bees.
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213. Annie, uh...
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214. I-I don't feel comfortable
with the zabba-da-zooey line.
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215. The one you wrote?
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216. I got it!
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217. Let's give Jeff the
zabba-da-zooey line,
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218. and then I'll come
in with a good one.
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219. - Yeah...
- It's more my voice.
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220. Pretty sure Jeff is
gonna reject that idea.
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221. Yeah, you're probably right.
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222. You're the producer.
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223. By the way, is this your pen?
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224. I... think I put it
back in my pocket
Copy !req
225. after I wrote you
that check yesterday.
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226. I'll give it to you later.
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227. I'll talk to Jeff.
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228. Also, I think it'd be
better for my character
Copy !req
229. if I wear his leather jacket.
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230. Okay!
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231. Welcome to Greendale's
Drug Awareness Show!
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232. Okay. Our volunteers
Copy !req
233. are handing out drug-free
baseballs, huh?
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234. Next time you think about drugs,
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235. think about baseball instead.
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236. Can't ignore me forever.
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237. Okay, you probably can...
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238. I don't know why you want to.
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239. I don't know if I told
you my nephew Marcus
Copy !req
240. actually goes to San
Ramone middle school,
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241. and he's coming to see the show.
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242. - Marcus? Your nephew?
- Yeah, he's 14.
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243. I actually thought he
didn't even like me,
Copy !req
244. but then he texted me out
of nowhere and he said,
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245. "Can't wait to see you.
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246. "I've been looking forward
to this for so long.
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247. You are the coolest
aunt in the world."
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248. I hope that I don't let him down.
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249. - You'll be great.
- What does this symbol mean?
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250. It's a number eight,
an equal sign,
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251. and then a greater than symbol.
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252. Let me see.
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253. You'd better get changed.
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254. I'll hang onto your stuff for you.
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255. Great.
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256. Abed, we screwed up.
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257. You know that text we sent?
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258. It was to Britta's nephew.
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259. He sent her an emoti-penis.
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260. What are we gonna do?
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261. Fine. Screw you, Abed.
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262. I can fix this.
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263. "Marcus, I made a mistake.
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264. I texted the wrong
person last night."
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265. "You called me by name.
It wasn't a mistake.
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266. Don't be afraid."
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267. Screw you, Abed.
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268. "I was drunk. We can't do this."
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269. "I'm drunk too. On lust."
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270. There's a picture.
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271. Oh! That's disappointing.
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272. Wow, who does that? That's...
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273. Bees, you're up.
Cool cats, your on deck.
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274. - Aren't drugs bad?
- No way.
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275. Drugs are like special honey.
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276. They give you a buzzzzzzz.
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277. Don't call me "honey," honey.
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278. Are you ignoring me
because I'm Korean?
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279. - You're Chinese.
- Oh, there's a difference?
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280. Shh!
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281. It's because you're crazy,
all right?
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282. There's something wrong with you.
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283. And the idea that I was with you
Copy !req
284. means there's something
wrong with me,
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285. and if this baby...
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286. If you have any humanity at all,
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287. you will not make
me think about it.
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288. Shirley, funeral.
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289. Well, that answers my question.
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290. Jeff Winger is sexy
even in a coffin. Mmm!
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291. I'm here.
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292. Pierce, you're
supposed to be onstage.
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293. I was looking for a lighter.
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294. What are you wearing?
This is a funeral.
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295. I got this, Annie.
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296. I can't believe Fluffy's dead.
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297. I know I'm green, but I feel blue.
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298. Look, it's Drugs with a
crazy wig and sparklers.
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299. I don't think
that's right, Drugs.
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300. Nobody asked you, Crayon.
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301. Oh! Oh!
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302. Well, I hope you're
proud of yourself, Drugs.
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303. Look what you've done.
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304. Oh, yeah? Well,
look what I'm doing now.
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305. Smells like something
died in here.
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306. What do you want us to do?
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307. Should we get the dean?
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308. Should we call in a bomb threat?
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309. Should we set off the sprinklers?
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310. It's not that big a deal.
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311. I think the kids are into it.
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312. Yeah, but I don't think that
they're getting the message.
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313. Yeah, but do kids
ever really seem
Copy !req
314. like they're getting the message?
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315. I think it's sinking in.
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316. Well, I guess it's your call.
Copy !req
317. And anyway, he's about to
get flushed down the toilet
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318. in the next scene,
and he'll be done.
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319. I wish I had never
even met Drugs.
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320. Who invited the
nerd from the beehive?
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321. Drugs made you.
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322. How about you leave, Drugs?
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323. Zip, pop, zoom.
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324. Whoosh!
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325. They want more.
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326. I gotta go back out there.
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327. But Pierce, you were flushed.
That was the story.
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328. That's what's supposed
to happen to Drugs.
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329. Being flushed doesn't
necessarily mean you're dead.
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330. I mean, I could be a floater.
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331. You know, a floater is when
you have a number two...
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332. I know what a floater is,
Pierce.
Copy !req
333. It just... it wouldn't
make any sense
Copy !req
334. in the flow of the show,
and it sends a mixed message.
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335. You know what I think
is a mixed message?
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336. Yesterday you couldn't pay your rent,
and today you can.
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337. Come on, Annie.
You and I are alike.
Copy !req
338. We're independent.
We need each other.
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339. Bzzz! Getting rid of
Drugs is a great I-bee-a.
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340. I'm flying higher
than I ever have,
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341. thanks to not Drugs.
Copy !req
342. - Hey!
- Hey!
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343. Ow! Hey!
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344. I'm back!
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345. Ain't no party without Drugs!
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346. I love you, Drugs!
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347. We want Drugs! We want Drugs!
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348. Listen to that!
They're high on me!
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349. I'm a God!
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350. Where is that Nigel now?
Copy !req
351. And I haven't even used
my penis material yet.
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352. Pierce, enough!
Copy !req
353. After intermission, I'm going
back to the original script
Copy !req
354. and doing some damage control.
Copy !req
355. Damage?
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356. The only damage is me
Copy !req
357. blowing the roof off the universe.
Copy !req
358. I am not letting you
go back on that stage!
Copy !req
359. Well, maybe I won't
be visiting you
Copy !req
360. late at night anymore
with a generous spirit.
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361. You sick, sick, sad old man.
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362. This is why I didn't want to
take money from my parents.
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363. I don't want anybody
pulling my strings.
Copy !req
364. Wait, wait.
Is he giving you money?
Copy !req
365. Not anymore.
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366. That's why the
script got changed.
Copy !req
367. Pierce bought his way in.
Annie sold out her message.
Copy !req
368. You've been
indulging this maniac?
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369. Yes. I've been
indulging this maniac.
Copy !req
370. - You're fired.
- Fired?
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371. Next time I'm at Dildopolis,
Copy !req
372. I will not be coming
upstairs to say hi.
Copy !req
373. We want Drugs! We want Drugs!
Copy !req
374. The only reason we
did this was for you
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375. and your stupid ideals,
Copy !req
376. and it turns out you
don't even have any.
Copy !req
377. We supported you, Annie.
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378. Yeah, Annie, you're fired.
Copy !req
379. I'm sorry!
Copy !req
380. Here's the situation.
Copy !req
381. We've got 50 at-risk preteens,
Copy !req
382. armed with baseballs,
chanting for Drugs,
Copy !req
383. who just spent intermission
Copy !req
384. eating nothing but
Charleston Chews, thank God.
Copy !req
385. Hope you can top act one,
is all I'm saying.
Copy !req
386. Oh! Whoops.
Copy !req
387. We want Drugs!
Copy !req
388. - Should we bail?
- Works for me.
Copy !req
389. Wait!
Copy !req
390. We want Drugs!
Copy !req
391. Listen to those kids.
Copy !req
392. We just created 50
potential meth heads,
Copy !req
393. and the least we can do
is hit the reset button
Copy !req
394. and get that number down
to the national average.
Copy !req
395. That's a suicide mission.
Copy !req
396. Did someone say crazy person?
Copy !req
397. No.
Copy !req
398. Well, I heard it.
Copy !req
399. We want Drugs! We want Drugs!
Copy !req
400. Greetings, you little snots!
Copy !req
401. You're not Drugs.
Copy !req
402. Oh, but I am!
Copy !req
403. Disappointed?
Copy !req
404. Did you expect me to
stay the same forever?
Copy !req
405. 'Cause that's not
what drug does, baby.
Copy !req
406. I'm gonna deep-fry your dog
and eat your mama's face
Copy !req
407. and I'm gonna wear your little
brother's skin like pajamas.
Copy !req
408. I control your lives
Copy !req
409. and there is nothing you can do!
Copy !req
410. Let's kill him!
Copy !req
411. Oh, bring it on, bow-wow.
Copy !req
412. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my!
Copy !req
413. Aah! Aah!
Copy !req
414. Is that all you've got?
Copy !req
415. I gotta tell you, Annie,
Copy !req
416. this is the greatest
chemical dependency program
Copy !req
417. I have ever watched.
Copy !req
418. I mean, the way you got the kids
Copy !req
419. to think that they needed Drugs,
Copy !req
420. and then having them realize
Copy !req
421. that dependence was the enemy,
Copy !req
422. that the price was just too high.
Copy !req
423. Oh, genius.
Copy !req
424. So now that the show is over,
Copy !req
425. what is the plan for
these bee costumes?
Copy !req
426. Aah! Aah! Uncle!
Copy !req
427. Hi, Marcus. I'm Jeff.
Copy !req
428. I'm like, uh, Britta's boyfriend.
Copy !req
429. Look, dude,
she started it, okay?
Copy !req
430. - She's just as into me.
- No, listen, listen.
Copy !req
431. I'm not mad.
Copy !req
432. I was just fooling around,
Copy !req
433. and I sent those texts.
Copy !req
434. - Gross.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
435. Well, it was pretty disgusting,
Copy !req
436. sending those
pictures to your aunt.
Copy !req
437. More disgusting
than what you texted
Copy !req
438. to an underage boy?
Copy !req
439. Yeah, well,
I didn't know you were you.
Copy !req
440. And I didn't know
you weren't my aunt.
Copy !req
441. Okay, all right,
Copy !req
442. let's just call this a draw.
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443. Britta doesn't need to
ever know about this.
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444. Okay, I'd be happy to,
for a price.
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445. That was brave of you.
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446. I owe you an apology.
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447. It was rude to call you crazy.
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448. Maybe I haven't been
giving you enough credit.
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449. Oh, that's really sweet.
Tell you what.
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450. Why don't I go get Chang?
You can tell him that yourself.
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451. - Oh, no.
- My God, that was amazing!
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452. - Wow!
- Good job!
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453. - Thanks!
- Amazing!
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454. Way to go, man,
go! That was awesome.
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455. They beat the crap out of you.
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456. It's okay.
I did a lot of ad-libbing.
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457. Guys, I'm so sorry.
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458. Thank you so much.
That was amazing.
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459. Even I learned something.
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460. - Oh, Annie.
- We did it.
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461. - Group hug, group hug.
- Hug, hug.
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462. - Way to save the day.
- Nice work.
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463. Did you get hit in the
face with a baseball?
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464. Yep.
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465. Annie, before you say anything,
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466. I just want you to know,
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467. even though I did nothing wrong,
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468. I'm still gonna give you money.
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469. No. I can't take
your money, Pierce.
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470. I can't go from
depending on my parents
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471. to depending on you,
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472. which is why I'm gonna get a job.
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473. So you're cutting me off?
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474. No.
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475. Pierce, I know you
don't depend on anyone,
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476. but you do depend on
people depending on you,
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477. so I'm not gonna take your money.
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478. We're still friends?
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479. Give me a day.
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480. By the way,
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481. your mom was the
Period Fairy, right?
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482. Hey, guys, I found my phone,
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483. but has anyone seen my bra?
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484. It's 2:00 A.M.
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485. Time for Dildopolis's
night-owl deals.
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486. Please be advised,
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487. we will be closed
for President's Day.
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488. Just kidding.
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489. Dildopolis never closes.
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490. At Dildopolis, your privacy
is our top concern.
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491. All store purchases will
show up on your credit card
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492. as ABC Dildos, incorporated.
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493. Shop until you drop.
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494. Take a load off at
our in-store cafe
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495. and enjoy an espresso
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496. or our signature
cinnamon biscotti.
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