1. Really?
Copy !req
2. - Hi!
- Hey guys
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3. Did everyone have a good break?
Copy !req
4. Yeah, I discovered
a new back muscle
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5. to work out.
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6. Ladies, you'll thank me
come tank top season.
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7. I checked all of
Pierce's wardrobes
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8. for portals to magical worlds.
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9. All I found was something
called Emmanuelle in Space
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10. on laserdisc...
I couldn't watch it,
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11. but it sounded sexy.
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12. Laserdisc.
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13. I joined a campus volunteer
group that cleans the city.
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14. We picked up litter on the freeway
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15. and dredged the river.
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16. Dredged it for what?
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17. You know, garbage and stuff.
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18. Tires, condoms, needles.
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19. At one point, we found a finger.
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20. Why are you using your
I-love-butterflies voice?
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21. What? Am I?
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22. I don't know.
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23. Volunteer work is nice.
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24. You do nice things.
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25. With nice people.
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26. Ooh.
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27. Somebody's finding river
fingers with a cute boy.
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28. What? No.
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29. Well, okay, yes,
but it doesn't matter.
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30. It's not like I'm seeing anyone.
There's just a guy.
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31. - A guy that goes to Greendale?
- Mm.
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32. Is it the Russian guy that
looks like a short Johnny Depp?
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33. - It doesn't matter.
- Is it the guy who looks
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34. a little like Vince Vaughn
but smells a lot like fish?
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35. I don't want to talk about it.
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36. Well, I have someone in my life
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37. that I'm happy to talk about.
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38. Again with the Jesus.
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39. Well, Jesus is
always in my life,
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40. but things have been
looking better every day
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41. with my ex-husband.
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42. - No.
- Is it black Michael Chiklis?
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43. - No.
- The white George Foreman?
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44. You guys are talking
about the same person.
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45. He's biracial, his name is David,
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46. and he's a human being.
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47. Guys, stop guessing.
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48. It's not a thing at all.
It's just a friend.
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49. - Change the subject.
- Chang the subject.
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50. What are you doing up there?
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51. It's the beginning of a new
semester of Anthropology.
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52. And I'm here to get
what I was promised.
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53. Sure. Who has Chang's
pile of nothing?
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54. - You know what I mean.
- I am sick of the runaround.
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55. I'm here to demand
an immediate answer
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56. about whether I'm
joining the study group.
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57. Well, if we have to
give an immediate answer,
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58. it would have to be no.
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59. Take your time.
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60. Sleep on it.
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61. Then get back to me.
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62. Or else.
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63. Jeff, you did say we would
let him in eventually.
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64. That was before he started
using his name as a pun.
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65. It makes me so changry.
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66. Oh, God, it's happening to me.
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67. Let's get back to who
Annie's in love with.
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68. - Is it Fat Neil?
- Blue Streak?
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69. Optimus Prime?
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70. Okay, even I know some
of these are Transformers.
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71. Who cares who it is?
Let's just study.
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72. Study what? We haven't
had our first class yet.
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73. Well, could we
talk about something
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74. other than Annie's love life?
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75. We could talk
about my love life.
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76. Is it Jean-Claude van Overbite?
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77. We should really start
learning people's names.
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78. I agree with brown
Jamie Lee Curtis.
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79. Community 2x12 - Asian Population Studies
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80. Duncan's late.
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81. I hope he didn't drive his
car into another marathon.
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82. Shirley, how can you want
to date your ex-husband
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83. - after what he did to you?
- He apologized.
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84. Oh, he apologized.
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85. Well, I guess that completely
unbangs that stripper.
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86. Well, forgive me
for being forgiving.
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87. Oh, that's right.
You don't know how.
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88. I'm relieved Shirley
is seeing her ex-husband
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89. and not Chang.
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90. Chang? Why would
she be with Chang?
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91. Why do I have to say
everything I'm thinking?
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92. I wish my mouth was further
away from my brain.
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93. I wish my brain had its own brain.
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94. I wish Chang hadn't
had sex with Shirley.
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95. What? When?
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96. Where?
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97. How?
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98. I can't talk about it.
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99. Troy, I'm your roommate.
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100. I can keep a secret.
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101. Okay, remember
that Halloween party
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102. that none of us can remember?
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103. I don't remember
anything we can remember.
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104. Well, Chang left me
a message that night
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105. saying that they did it.
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106. But... but you can't tell anybody.
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107. You have my word
as your roommate,
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108. and that is a bond I
will never violate.
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109. You can't tweet it either.
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110. We never discussed new media.
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111. Sorry all that
stuff got dragged out
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112. about me having a
crush on somebody.
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113. Why would you be
sorry about that?
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114. You know. Awkward.
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115. Annie, you don't think
I actually care, did you?
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116. No, no, I just didn't want you
to think I thought you cared.
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117. Greetings, all and sundry,
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118. and welcome to your second
semester of Anthropology,
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119. where it is about to get real.
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120. Now I forget where we
left off last year.
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121. - Fat Neil.
- The bronze age.
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122. Thank you, Fat Neil.
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123. Neil's fine.
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124. Not from an
actuarial standpoint.
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125. Now please forgive my lateness,
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126. but I wasn't sure how
to find Greendale sober.
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127. Yes, you heard me right.
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128. I have stopped drinking.
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129. Mainly due to the fact that I
could no longer get an erection.
Copy !req
130. Now that I'm on the wagon,
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131. you can expect both this class
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132. and my penis to be more
focused and rewarding.
Copy !req
133. Also, there's gonna be
more than one diorama.
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134. Lame!
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135. - Boo.
- I am so sorry.
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136. I train seeing-eye dogs,
and today was graduation.
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137. I couldn't leave without
shaking all their little paws.
Copy !req
138. - Aww.
- Rich.
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139. - Jeff.
- Rich!
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140. - Annie.
- Annie? Rich?
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141. You're taking Anthropology?
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142. Well, you made it sound so fun.
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143. We spent the holiday break
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144. dredging a river together.
We found...
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145. A finger. Yeah.
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146. It sounds gruesome, I know,
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147. but I'm used to seeing
that kind of thing,
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148. - because I'm a doctor.
- All: Ohh.
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149. I can't believe Rich actually
enrolled in our class.
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150. It means he likes me, right?
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151. Why wouldn't he,
Annie? He is so sweet.
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152. Yeah, sweet and wise.
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153. He has lived such a long,
full life.
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154. How old is he again?
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155. 30-something, I'm assuming.
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156. He has a landline and
uses the word "album."
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157. You guys don't think he's
too old for me, do you?
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158. - No.
- No. Come on.
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159. By that logic, I wouldn't have a
shot with anybody at this table.
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160. Ugh.
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161. Oh, speaking of creepy,
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162. sober Duncan is worse
than drunk Duncan.
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163. I think this class is
about to get really hard.
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164. I have an idea about that.
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165. Rich is really smart,
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166. and he knows a lot
about anthropology.
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167. If we were to start
studying with him,
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168. I think it could help a lot.
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169. Plus, you know...
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170. Oh, you know what, though?
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171. I just realized,
so unfair to so many people.
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172. Right? Britta,
you're always talking
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173. about how it's weird
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174. we have no one of Latin descent
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175. - in our group.
- Si.
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176. And, Pierce,
you're always looking
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177. for someone old enough
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178. to find your racism subversive.
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179. I could go on and on.
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180. It is a process.
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181. It takes time.
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182. Well, then I say we
gather all the candidates
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183. and make an informed,
democratic decision.
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184. We can have a little mixer
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185. and invite the people we're
submitting for consideration.
Copy !req
186. - All in favor of tonight?
- Oh, I am.
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187. Thank you. I'm finished.
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188. No, I'd say you got
about two more good years.
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189. Oh, everyone,
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190. this is Andre,
my ex-husband and boyfriend.
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191. He came to spend the day with me.
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192. Hey, nice to meet you guys.
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193. You know, I've heard a lot
about every last one of you.
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194. We haven't heard a lot
about you or what you've done
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195. or with who.
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196. Well, I hope you give
me a chance to make up
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197. for everything you
haven't heard about me.
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198. Hey, how about a round
of soft serve on me?
Copy !req
199. Shirley, I've been
fed a lot of soft serve
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200. by a lot of guys.
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201. Sometimes it's rent money,
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202. sometimes it's Chili
Peppers tickets,
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203. and, yeah, I'll admit it,
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204. one time it was a gym
bag full of nickels,
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205. but it never lasts,
and they never change.
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206. Britta, I'm a grown-ass woman,
and I made my decision.
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207. But how do you know
it's the right one?
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208. Because I'm pregnant, okay?
Copy !req
209. I was going to wait to
share my exciting news,
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210. but I guess now is as good
a time as any to tell you
Copy !req
211. that I am eight weeks along.
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212. Which is a little surprising.
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213. Halloween.
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214. - What?
- Both: Nothing.
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215. Thanks for coming,
fellow Anthropology students.
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216. For the first semester,
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217. you knew us as "that study group."
Copy !req
218. But, tonight,
we want to get to know you.
Copy !req
219. Please forgive the spread.
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220. The vending machines
haven't been restocked
Copy !req
221. since before winter break.
Copy !req
222. So help yourselves
to tropical skittles,
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223. cigarettes, or mouthwash.
Copy !req
224. And have a good time.
Copy !req
225. Okay, so I have to figure
out if Shirley did it
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226. with her ex-husband the
week after Halloween.
Copy !req
227. How are you gonna do that?
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228. I got moves.
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229. So... Bun in the oven.
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230. Guess it's no surprise after
working on it all this time.
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231. Well, I wouldn't quite
say working on it.
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232. Just kind of happens, you know.
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233. Oh, yeah, I do.
Copy !req
234. Especially when the
season's right.
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235. Dead leaves, pumpkins everywhere...
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236. Nature's Viagra. Right?
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237. I guess.
Copy !req
238. And then when all the pumpkins
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239. just start to rot
Copy !req
240. and all the children have
removed their outfits
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241. because they've already
gotten their candy...
Copy !req
242. I'm gonna go talk to some
other people, all right?
Copy !req
243. - So?
- His mind is like a fortress.
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244. Why don't we just tell Shirley,
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245. "Hey, look, you slept with Chang"?
Copy !req
246. Let her deal with it.
Copy !req
247. Pierce, if someone
had sex with Chang
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248. and they get to not
remember that happened,
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249. that's a gift from God.
Copy !req
250. I'm not taking that away from
her without a good reason.
Copy !req
251. Well, here's a good reason.
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252. You ever go to the bathroom
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253. and find parsley in your teeth
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254. that your friends
hadn't told you about?
Copy !req
255. Now imagine your
teeth are a uterus
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256. and that parsley is
a half-Chinese baby.
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257. Hey, guys.
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258. I want you to meet someone.
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259. My name is Quendra,
Copy !req
260. and I spell it with a Q-U.
Copy !req
261. She's thinking about
taking Anthropology.
Copy !req
262. So maybe she would make
a nice addition or two
Copy !req
263. to our study group.
Something to consider.
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264. Are you Abed?
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265. I love Star Wars.
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266. - That's Troy.
- I love footballs.
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267. Jeff, we're dealing with
heavier things right now
Copy !req
268. than your shameless lobbying.
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269. Rich brought kettle corn!
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270. Kettle corn!
That's a fun-time snack.
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271. - Oh, looks great.
- I make it in my garage.
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272. I'll take some of that.
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273. I spell kettle corn with a Q-U.
Copy !req
274. Well, don't.
Copy !req
275. What is this? What's going on?
Copy !req
276. It's a mixer.
Copy !req
277. Why is everyone from
Anthro class here?
Copy !req
278. Are you guys picking a
new study group member?
Copy !req
279. And you didn't invite me?
Copy !req
280. We didn't know how to reach you.
Copy !req
281. What are you talking about?
I'm everywhere.
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282. We didn't know how to reach you.
Copy !req
283. That's not a true. That's a lie.
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284. It's a mixer. We didn't
know how to reach you.
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285. It's a mixer. It's a mixer.
It's a mixer.
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286. It's a mixer. It's a mixer.
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287. Works every time.
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288. $50? What a pig.
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289. Jeff, I think we
should vote now.
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290. Most people left after
we ran out of skittles,
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291. and, come on, it's pretty obvious
Copy !req
292. Rich is the best candidate.
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293. Yeah. Looks like he's our guy.
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294. I'll be right there.
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295. This can't be happening.
Copy !req
296. I agree.
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297. You can't talk and
then do a slow clap.
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298. You don't know that.
Copy !req
299. But I know this.
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300. Unless you want a front row
seat to Annie loves Richie,
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301. it's time to Chang
your point of view.
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302. It's not even clever.
Copy !req
303. You keep using it
as the word change.
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304. Okay. Okay.
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305. Okay. Just do me a favor.
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306. Let me do all the talking
and follow my lead.
Copy !req
307. - Deal.
- Okay.
Copy !req
308. Seriously,
do you have brain damage?
Copy !req
309. Rich is also board-certified
in pediatrics,
Copy !req
310. and, once a month,
he flies down to volunteer
Copy !req
311. in the rain forest,
fixing children's cleft palates
Copy !req
312. and teaching them acoustic guitar.
Copy !req
313. Other than that,
Copy !req
314. well, his kettle corn
speaks for itself.
Copy !req
315. I couldn't agree more.
Copy !req
316. It looks like this is
an open-and-shut case.
Copy !req
317. Did someone say case?
Copy !req
318. Because I haven't made mine yet.
Copy !req
319. What? What's your case?
Copy !req
320. Ben Chang is my case.
Copy !req
321. You can't be serious.
Copy !req
322. Oh, I'm serious, baby.
Copy !req
323. I am yahoo serious.
Copy !req
324. I'm serious F.M.
Copy !req
325. Welcome to the world
serious of seriousness,
Copy !req
326. sponsored by honey nut serios.
Copy !req
327. Are you stalling right now?
Copy !req
328. Stalling?
Copy !req
329. Stalling?
Copy !req
330. No, Annie, in fact,
you're gonna wish
Copy !req
331. I was stalling...
Oh, I just got it. Thank you.
Copy !req
332. I want to say some names to you.
Copy !req
333. Jeffrey Dahmer.
Copy !req
334. Ted Bundy.
Copy !req
335. Rich.
Copy !req
336. What do they have in common?
Copy !req
337. We don't know them very well.
Copy !req
338. What do we know about Ben Chang?
Copy !req
339. - We know he's nuts.
- Let him finish!
Copy !req
340. We know he's dangerous,
unpredictable, selfish.
Copy !req
341. We know he uses his
name to make bad puns.
Copy !req
342. Guilty as changed.
Copy !req
343. When he talks,
he over and underemphasizes words
Copy !req
344. seemingly at random.
Copy !req
345. When he eats, he holds his fork
Copy !req
346. like a murderer's knife,
Copy !req
347. gnawing at its skewered payload
like a deranged woodland rodent.
Copy !req
348. Bring it home!
Copy !req
349. We know he smells
like band-aids.
Copy !req
350. We know he dresses like
a Cuban cab driver.
Copy !req
351. We know he exhibits,
nay, flaunts proudly
Copy !req
352. obvious symptoms of over
half a dozen disorders
Copy !req
353. you wouldn't wish on
your worst enemy's pets.
Copy !req
354. Feel the heat!
Copy !req
355. We know these things
about Ben Chang.
Copy !req
356. And so much more than we ever
wanted to know about him.
Copy !req
357. Why?
Copy !req
358. Because it's there.
Copy !req
359. It's on the surface.
Copy !req
360. What you see may be
what you don't want,
Copy !req
361. but it's also what you get.
Copy !req
362. Wow.
Copy !req
363. Who is this
kettle-corn-popping phantom?
Copy !req
364. This human question mark?
Copy !req
365. This number eight scoop
of vanilla tapioca
Copy !req
366. with a Ph.D in being swell
Copy !req
367. and a master's in
"everybody loves me"?
Copy !req
368. Who is it?
Copy !req
369. We may never know.
Copy !req
370. I only know one thing.
Copy !req
371. Nobody is this good a person.
Copy !req
372. And nobody can get any worse
Copy !req
373. than this.
Copy !req
374. Now.
Copy !req
375. Who's voting for Chang?
Copy !req
376. Who's voting for Rich?
Copy !req
377. - Shirley.
- Wow, what you gonna do, baby?
Copy !req
378. I don't know.
Copy !req
379. Shirley, this is the best
kettle corn I've ever had.
Copy !req
380. If you don't vote for Rich,
Copy !req
381. I'll shatter your world.
Copy !req
382. You're gonna what?
Copy !req
383. I'll shatter your world.
Copy !req
384. I heard you. I vote for Chang.
Copy !req
385. - Yes!
- Yes! In your face!
Copy !req
386. - No!
- Yes!
Copy !req
387. No!
Copy !req
388. Chang and Shirley had
sex on Halloween.
Copy !req
389. What?
Copy !req
390. - What?
- You may be pregnant
Copy !req
391. - with his baby.
- No. No, no, no, no. Mm-mm.
Copy !req
392. Pierce!
Copy !req
393. She crossed me.
Copy !req
394. Is that why you were subtly
interrogating me about my sexual activity?
Copy !req
395. - Troy?
- Chang left me a voice mail
Copy !req
396. on Halloween to say
that you two did it.
Copy !req
397. I could hear you
in the background.
Copy !req
398. Shirley,
what is he talking about?
Copy !req
399. I don't remember that night.
Copy !req
400. Nobody remembers anything.
Copy !req
401. Oh, now I understand
these photos.
Copy !req
402. Do you mind if I forward
these to my brother?
Copy !req
403. Oh! I want this man out of here.
Copy !req
404. Well, you just
voted him in, so...
Copy !req
405. What is wrong with you?
Copy !req
406. Shirley is in crisis.
Copy !req
407. This isn't silly anymore.
Copy !req
408. I don't understand.
Copy !req
409. Just... just wait, baby.
Copy !req
410. I don't understand either,
but we can work this out.
Copy !req
411. We'll figure it out.
Copy !req
412. Andre, no.
Copy !req
413. I think that this
is a good time to go.
Copy !req
414. Rich!
Copy !req
415. No!
Copy !req
416. You finally did it, Jeff Winger.
Copy !req
417. You finally hurt this group
in a way that'll never heal.
Copy !req
418. Kettle corn!
Copy !req
419. There you are.
Copy !req
420. Can you please explain to me
Copy !req
421. what the hell you've been doing?
Copy !req
422. Well, Annie, when a man
Copy !req
423. loves food and beverages very much
Copy !req
424. and they pass through his system,
Copy !req
425. - they make...
- I'm not in the mood, Jeff.
Copy !req
426. Explain your behavior
Copy !req
427. with Rich today.
Copy !req
428. Sorry, not everyone
is as in love
Copy !req
429. with Dr. Do-No-Wrong as you are.
Copy !req
430. And don't say it's
because I'm jealous
Copy !req
431. of him being with you.
Copy !req
432. Oh, come on, Jeff!
Copy !req
433. I'm sick of this.
Copy !req
434. One minute, I'm too young to date.
Copy !req
435. The next, you're trying
to get rid of guys I like.
Copy !req
436. Either you want me or you don't.
Copy !req
437. What's it gonna be?
Copy !req
438. I wish I could
give you an answer
Copy !req
439. that makes sense, but
relationships are complicated,
Copy !req
440. and we're in the men's room.
Copy !req
441. Fine. Well,
I'm gonna ask Rich out.
Copy !req
442. Nothing complicated about that.
Copy !req
443. - There you are.
- Did I walk
Copy !req
444. into the wrong bathroom?
Copy !req
445. You have to find
Andre and talk to him.
Copy !req
446. Shirley is devastated.
Copy !req
447. Since when do you want
him back in her life?
Copy !req
448. I don't deny that I'm
not a fan of the guy,
Copy !req
449. but I'm a fan of Shirley,
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450. and this is what she wants.
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451. There you are.
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452. Mezzanine?
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453. - Nice sweater.
- Thanks.
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454. My dad gave it to me.
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455. - So, um...
- Look, I'm not mad at Shirley.
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456. You're not?
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457. No. I'm mad at myself.
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458. You know, if I hadn't
left her like I did,
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459. then none of this
would have happened.
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460. You ever have something that
you didn't truly appreciate
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461. until you didn't have it anymore?
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462. Oh, yeah. Keristina.
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463. Old girlfriend?
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464. Almond facial scrub.
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465. They only make it in Finland.
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466. The old me would have
been long gone by now.
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467. I didn't think I
could ever change,
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468. but I'm gonna tell you,
the love of a good woman
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469. makes anything possible.
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470. Well, it looks like I'm
gonna be a daddy again.
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471. - Yeah, but...
- Hey.
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472. Doesn't matter who
the baby's father is.
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473. I'm in it for the long haul.
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474. And if it's mine,
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475. it's gonna be a great
football player.
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476. And if it's Chang's,
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477. we'll go for golf.
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478. - Hey.
- Hey.
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479. Annie just texted me.
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480. She asked Rich out.
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481. Cool.
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482. He said no.
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483. He said she's great but too young.
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484. Don't say anything until
I've said what I've got to say.
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485. I've known you for
almost two years now,
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486. and I've never taken you as
seriously as I should have.
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487. You are the strangest,
coolest, most genuine person
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488. I've ever met,
and the thing that scares me
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489. about you is how good
you make me wish I was.
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490. Help me, Rich.
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491. Help me become like you.
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492. I mean, I am so amazing.
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493. But I'm not perfect.
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494. You are.
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495. Give me that power.
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496. So I can abuse it.
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497. Jeff, you are one funny bunny.
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498. You can't just fake being good
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499. in order to get away
with doing bad things.
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500. Oh, I completely understand.
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501. And do you understand
that I still have to try?
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502. And if you don't help me,
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503. you're a bad person.
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504. You got me there, guy.
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505. Come on in and dry off.
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506. Oh, it smells delicious.
Are you baking?
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507. Yeah, muffin tops.
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508. And we're back.
Today, we'll show you
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509. how to make homemade
kettle corn with Dr. Rich.
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510. Rich, how do I get
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511. one of those giant spoons?
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512. Well, actually,
I carved this one myself
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513. after lightning struck an
oak tree in my backyard.
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514. - Ooh.
- And then I made my nephew
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515. a rocking horse.
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516. - That's adorable.
- It smells heavenly.
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517. Dr. Rich, what sets
your kettle corn apart?
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518. Well, it's a secret ingredient...
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519. a couple extra pinches of love.
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520. Oh, you can't beat that.
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521. - It feels good.
- Not this again.
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522. Rich, you know they're
doing a fake morning show?
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523. There are no cameras.
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524. I know.
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525. It's just a fun way
to start the day.
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526. So grab a paddle, partner,
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527. and hop on in here.
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528. You know what,
that does sound...
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529. Yeah.
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530. Troy and Abed in the morning.
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