1. - Did everyone have a good break?
- I discovered a new muscle to work out.Copy !req
2. Ladies, you'll thank me
come tank top season.Copy !req
3. I checked all of Pierce's wardrobes
for portals to magical worlds.Copy !req
4. All I found was something called
Emmanuelle in Space on laserdisc...Copy !req
5. I couldn't watch it,
but it sounded sexy.Copy !req
6. Laserdisc.Copy !req
7. I joined a campus volunteer group
that cleans the city.Copy !req
8. We picked up litter on the freeway
and dredged the river.Copy !req
9. - Dredged it for what?
- You know, garbage and stuff.Copy !req
10. Tires, condoms, needles.Copy !req
11. At one point, we found a finger.Copy !req
12. Why are you using
your I-love-butterflies voice?Copy !req
13. What? Am I?
I don't know.Copy !req
14. Volunteer work is nice.
You do nice things. With nice people.Copy !req
15. Somebody's finding river fingers
with a cute boy.Copy !req
16. What? No.Copy !req
17. OK, yes, but it doesn't matter.Copy !req
18. It's not like I'm seeing anyone.
There's just a guy.Copy !req
19. He goes to Greendale? The Russian
that looks like a short Johnny Depp?Copy !req
20. The guy who looks like Vince Vaughn
and smells fish?Copy !req
21. I don't want to talk about it.Copy !req
22. I have someone in my life
that I'm happy to talk about.Copy !req
23. Again with the Jesus.Copy !req
24. Jesus is always in my life,Copy !req
25. but things have been looking better
every day with my ex-husband.Copy !req
26. The guy looks like Anderson Cooper
with a ponytail?Copy !req
27. Is it black Michael Chiklis?Copy !req
28. - The white George Foreman?
- You talking about the same person.Copy !req
29. He's biracial, his name is David,
and he's a human being.Copy !req
30. Guys, stop guessing.Copy !req
31. It's not a thing at all.
It's just a friend. Change the subject.Copy !req
32. Chang the subject.Copy !req
33. What are you doing up there?Copy !req
34. It's the beginning
of a new semester of Anthropology.Copy !req
35. I'm here to get what I was promised.Copy !req
36. - Sure. Who has Chang's pile of nothing?
- You know what I mean.Copy !req
37. I am sick of the runaround.Copy !req
38. I'm here to demand an answer
about whether I'm joining the group.Copy !req
39. If we have to give an answer,
it would have to be no.Copy !req
40. Take your time.
Sleep on it.Copy !req
41. Then get back to me.
Or else.Copy !req
42. Jeff, you did say
we would let him in eventually.Copy !req
43. That was before
he started using his name as a pun.Copy !req
44. It makes me so changry.
God, it's happening to me.Copy !req
45. Let's get back to Annie's.
Is it Fat Neil?Copy !req
46. - Blue Streak?
- Optimus Prime?Copy !req
47. Even I know some of these
are Transformers.Copy !req
48. Who cares who it is?
Let's just study.Copy !req
49. Study what?Copy !req
50. Could we talk about something other?Copy !req
51. We could talk about my love life.Copy !req
52. Is it Jean-Claude van Overbite?Copy !req
53. - We should learning people's names.
- I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.Copy !req
54. - Feygnasse Team -Copy !req
55. La Fabrique ::.Copy !req
56. 2x12: Asian Population StudiesCopy !req
57. Duncan's late.Copy !req
58. I hope he didn't drive his car
into another marathon.Copy !req
59. How can you want to date your ex-husband
after what he did to you?Copy !req
60. He apologized.Copy !req
61. He apologized. I guess
that completely unbangs that stripper.Copy !req
62. Forgive me for being forgiving.Copy !req
63. That's right.
You don't know how.Copy !req
64. I'm relieved Shirley is seeing
her ex-husband and not Chang.Copy !req
65. Why would she be with Chang?Copy !req
66. Why do I have to say
everything I'm thinking?Copy !req
67. I wish my mouth
was further away from my brain.Copy !req
68. I wish my brain had its own brain.Copy !req
69. I wish Chang
hadn't had sex with Shirley.Copy !req
70. What? When?Copy !req
71. Where?Copy !req
72. How?Copy !req
73. - I can't talk about it.
- I'm your roommate.Copy !req
74. I can keep a secret.Copy !req
75. OK, remember that Halloween party
that none of us can remember?Copy !req
76. I don't remember anything
we can remember.Copy !req
77. Chang left me a message that night
saying that they did it.Copy !req
78. But you can't tell anybody.Copy !req
79. You have my word as your roommate,Copy !req
80. and that is a bond
I will never violate.Copy !req
81. - You can't tweet it either.
- We never discussed new media.Copy !req
82. Sorry all that stuff got dragged out
about me having a crush on somebody.Copy !req
83. - Why would you be sorry about that?
- You know. Awkward.Copy !req
84. You don't think I actually care,
did you?Copy !req
85. No, I just didn't want you
to think I thought you cared.Copy !req
86. Greetings, all and sundry,Copy !req
87. and welcome to your second semester
of Anthropology,Copy !req
88. where it is about to get real.Copy !req
89. I forget where we left off last year.
Fat Neil.Copy !req
90. - The Bronze Age.
- Thank you, Fat Neil.Copy !req
91. - Neil's fine.
- Not from an actuarial standpoint.Copy !req
92. Now please forgive my lateness,Copy !req
93. but I wasn't sure
how to find Greendale sober.Copy !req
94. Yes, you heard me right.Copy !req
95. I have stopped drinking.Copy !req
96. Mainly due to the fact
that I could no longer get an erection.Copy !req
97. Now that I'm on the wagon,
you can expect both this classCopy !req
98. and my penis to be more focused
and rewarding.Copy !req
99. Also, there's gonna be more
than one diorama.Copy !req
100. Lame!Copy !req
101. I am so sorry.Copy !req
102. I train seeing-eye dogs,
and today was graduation.Copy !req
103. I couldn't leave
without shaking their little paws.Copy !req
104. - You're taking Anthropology?
- You made it sound so fun.Copy !req
105. We spent the holiday break
dredging a river together.Copy !req
106. - We found...
- A finger. Yes.Copy !req
107. It sounds gruesome, I know, but I'm used
to seeing that kind of thing,Copy !req
108. 'cause I'm a doctor.Copy !req
109. I can't believe Rich
actually enrolled in our class.Copy !req
110. - It means he likes me, right?
- Why wouldn't he, Annie?Copy !req
111. - He is so sweet.
- Yeah, sweet and wise.Copy !req
112. He has lived such a long, full life.
How old is he again?Copy !req
113. 30-something, I'm assuming.Copy !req
114. He has a landline
and uses the word "album."Copy !req
115. You don't think
he's too old for me, do you?Copy !req
116. By that logic, I wouldn't have a shot
with anybody at this table.Copy !req
117. Speaking of creepy,
sober Duncan is worse than drunk Duncan.Copy !req
118. I think this class
is about to get really hard.Copy !req
119. I have an idea about that.Copy !req
120. Rich is really smart,
and he knows a lot about anthropology.Copy !req
121. If we were to start studying with him,
I think it could help a lot.Copy !req
122. You know what, though?Copy !req
123. I just realized,
so unfair to so many people. Right?Copy !req
124. Britta, you always say how it's weird
we don't have one Latin in our group.Copy !req
125. Pierce, you're always lookingCopy !req
126. for someone old enough
to find your racism subversive.Copy !req
127. I could go on and on.Copy !req
128. It is a process.
It takes time.Copy !req
129. Then I say we gather all the candidates
and make an informed,Copy !req
130. democratic decision.Copy !req
131. We can have a little mixerCopy !req
132. and invite the people
we're submitting for consideration.Copy !req
133. - All in favor of tonight?
- I am.Copy !req
134. Thanks. I'm finished.Copy !req
135. No, I'd say you got
about two more good years.Copy !req
136. Everyone,Copy !req
137. this is Andre,
my ex-husband and boyfriend.Copy !req
138. He came to spend the day with me.Copy !req
139. Nice to meet you guys.Copy !req
140. I've heard a lot
about every last one of you.Copy !req
141. We haven't heard a lot about you
or what you've done or with who.Copy !req
142. I hope you give me a chance to make up
for what you haven't heard about me.Copy !req
143. How about a round
of soft serve on me?Copy !req
144. I've been fed a lot of soft serve
by a lot of guys.Copy !req
145. Sometimes it's rent money,
sometimes it's Chili Peppers tickets,Copy !req
146. and, yeah, I'll admit it, one time
it was a gym bag full of nickels,Copy !req
147. but it never lasts,
and they never change.Copy !req
148. Britta, I'm a grown-ass woman,
and I made my decision.Copy !req
149. - How do you know it's the right one?
- Because I'm pregnant, okay?Copy !req
150. I was going to wait
to share my exciting news,Copy !req
151. but I guess now is as good a time as any
to tell you that I am eight weeks along.Copy !req
152. Which is a little surprising.Copy !req
153. - Halloween.
- What?Copy !req
154. Nothing.Copy !req
155. Thanks for coming,
fellow Anthropology students.Copy !req
156. For the first semester,
you knew us as "that study group."Copy !req
157. But, tonight,
we want to get to know you.Copy !req
158. Please forgive the spread.Copy !req
159. The vending machines
haven't been restocked.Copy !req
160. So help yourselves
to tropical Skittles,Copy !req
161. cigarettes, or mouthwash.Copy !req
162. And...Copy !req
163. have a good time.Copy !req
164. I have to figure out if Shirley did it
with her ex-husbandCopy !req
165. the week after Halloween.Copy !req
166. How are you gonna do that?Copy !req
167. I got moves.Copy !req
168. So... bun in the oven.Copy !req
169. Guess it's no surprise
after working on it all this time.Copy !req
170. I wouldn't quite say working on it.
Just kind of happens.Copy !req
171. Yeah, I do.Copy !req
172. Especially when the season's right.Copy !req
173. Dead leaves, pumpkins everywhere...Copy !req
174. Nature's Viagra. Right?Copy !req
175. I guess.Copy !req
176. And then when all the pumpkins
just start to rotCopy !req
177. and all the children
have removed their outfits.Copy !req
178. Because they've already gotten
their candy...Copy !req
179. I'm gonna go talk
to some other people, all right?Copy !req
180. - So?
- His mind is like a fortress.Copy !req
181. Why don't we just tell Shirley,
"Hey, look, you slept with Chang"?Copy !req
182. Let her deal with it.Copy !req
183. If someone had sex with ChangCopy !req
184. and they get to not remember
that happened,Copy !req
185. that's a gift from God.Copy !req
186. - I'm not taking that away from her.
- Here's a good reason.Copy !req
187. You ever find parsley in your teeth
that your friends hadn't told you about?Copy !req
188. Now imagine your teeth are a uterus
and that parsley is a half-Chinese baby.Copy !req
189. Hey, guys.Copy !req
190. I want you to meet someone.Copy !req
191. My name is Quendra,
and I spell it with a Q-U.Copy !req
192. She's thinking
about taking Anthropology.Copy !req
193. Maybe she would make an addition or two
to our study group.Copy !req
194. - Something to consider.
- Are you Abed?Copy !req
195. I love Star Wars.Copy !req
196. - That's Troy.
- I love footballs.Copy !req
197. Jeff, we're dealing with heavier things
than your shameless lobbying.Copy !req
198. Rich brought kettle corn!Copy !req
199. Kettle corn!
That's a fun-time snack.Copy !req
200. I make it in my garage.Copy !req
201. I'll take some of that.Copy !req
202. I spell kettle corn with a Q-U.Copy !req
203. Well, don't.Copy !req
204. - What's going on?
- It's a mixer.Copy !req
205. Why is everyone
from Anthro class here?Copy !req
206. Are you guys picking
a new study group member?Copy !req
207. You didn't invite me?Copy !req
208. - We didn't know how to reach you.
- I'm everywhere.Copy !req
209. - We didn't know how to reach you.
- That's a lie.Copy !req
210. We didn't know how to reach you.Copy !req
211. It's a mixer.Copy !req
212. Works every time.Copy !req
213. $50? What a pig.Copy !req
214. We should vote.Copy !req
215. Most people left
after we ran out of skittles.Copy !req
216. It's pretty obvious
Rich is the best candidate.Copy !req
217. Yeah. Looks like he's our guy.
I'll be right there.Copy !req
218. This can't be happening.Copy !req
219. I agree.Copy !req
220. - You can't talk and do a slow clap.
- You don't know that.Copy !req
221. But I know this.Copy !req
222. Unless you want a front row seat
to Annie loves Richie,Copy !req
223. it's time to "Chang"
your point of view.Copy !req
224. It's not even clever.
You keep using it as the word change.Copy !req
225. Okay.Copy !req
226. Do me a favor.Copy !req
227. Let me do all the talking
and follow my lead.Copy !req
228. Deal.Copy !req
229. Do you have brain damage?Copy !req
230. Rich is also board-certified
in pediatrics.Copy !req
231. Once a month, he flies down
to volunteer in the rain forest,Copy !req
232. fixing children's cleft palatesCopy !req
233. and teaching them acoustic guitar.Copy !req
234. Other than that,
his kettle corn speaks for itself.Copy !req
235. I couldn't agree more.Copy !req
236. It looks like
this is an open-and-shut case.Copy !req
237. Did someone say case?Copy !req
238. Because I haven't made mine yet.Copy !req
239. What? What's your case?Copy !req
240. Ben Chang is my case.Copy !req
241. You can't be serious.Copy !req
242. Oh, I'm serious, baby.Copy !req
243. I am yahoo serious.
I'm serious FM.Copy !req
244. Welcome to the world serious
of seriousness,Copy !req
245. sponsored by Honey Nut Serials.Copy !req
246. - Are you stalling right now?
- Stalling?Copy !req
247. Stalling?Copy !req
248. No, Annie, in fact,
you're gonna wish I was stalling...Copy !req
249. I just got it. Thank you.Copy !req
250. I want to say some names to you.Copy !req
251. Jeffrey Dahmer.Copy !req
252. Ted Bundy.Copy !req
253. Rich.Copy !req
254. What do they have in common?Copy !req
255. We don't know them very well.Copy !req
256. What do we know about Ben Chang?Copy !req
257. - We know he's nuts.
- Let him finish!Copy !req
258. We know he's dangerous,
unpredictable, selfish.Copy !req
259. We know he uses his name
to make bad puns.Copy !req
260. Guilty as changed.Copy !req
261. When he talks,
he over and underemphasizes wordsCopy !req
262. seemingly at random.Copy !req
263. When he eats, he holds his forkCopy !req
264. like a murderer's knife,Copy !req
265. gnawing at its skewered payload
like a deranged woodland rodent.Copy !req
266. Bring it home!Copy !req
267. We know he smells like band-aids,
that he dresses like a Cuban cab driver.Copy !req
268. We know he exhibits,
nay, flaunts proudlyCopy !req
269. obvious symptoms
of over half a dozen disordersCopy !req
270. you wouldn't wish
on your worst enemy's pets.Copy !req
271. Feel the heat!Copy !req
272. We know these things
about Ben Chang.Copy !req
273. And so much more
than we ever wanted to know about him.Copy !req
274. Why?Copy !req
275. Because it's there.Copy !req
276. It's on the surface.Copy !req
277. What you see
may be what you don't want,Copy !req
278. but it's also what you get.Copy !req
279. Who is
this kettle-corn-popping phantom?Copy !req
280. This human question mark?Copy !req
281. This number eight scoop
of vanilla tapiocaCopy !req
282. with a PHD in being swellCopy !req
283. and a master's
in "everybody loves me"?Copy !req
284. Who is it?Copy !req
285. We may never know.Copy !req
286. I only know one thing.Copy !req
287. Nobody is this good a person.Copy !req
288. And nobody can get any worseCopy !req
289. than this.Copy !req
290. Who's voting for Chang?Copy !req
291. For Rich?Copy !req
292. - What you gonna do, baby?
- I don't know.Copy !req
293. Shirley, this is the best kettle corn
I've ever had.Copy !req
294. If you don't vote for Rich,Copy !req
295. - I'll shatter your world.
- You're gonna what?Copy !req
296. I'll shatter your world.Copy !req
297. I heard you. I vote for Chang.Copy !req
298. - Yes!
- Yes! In your face!Copy !req
299. Chang and Shirley
had sex on Halloween.Copy !req
300. - What?
- What?Copy !req
301. It may be his baby.Copy !req
302. Pierce!Copy !req
303. She crossed me.Copy !req
304. Is that why you were interrogating me
about my sexual activity?Copy !req
305. Chang left me a voice mail
on HalloweenCopy !req
306. to say that you two did it.
I could hear you in the background.Copy !req
307. Shirley, what is he talking about?Copy !req
308. I don't remember that night.
Nobody remembers anything.Copy !req
309. Now I understand these photos.Copy !req
310. Can I forward these to my bro?Copy !req
311. I want this man out of here.Copy !req
312. - Well, you just voted him in, so...
- What is wrong with you?Copy !req
313. Shirley is in crisis.
This isn't silly anymore.Copy !req
314. I don't understand.Copy !req
315. I don't understand either,
but we can work this out.Copy !req
316. I think
that this is a good time to go.Copy !req
317. Rich!Copy !req
318. You finally did it, Jeff Winger.Copy !req
319. You finally hurt this group
in a way that'll never heal.Copy !req
320. Kettle corn!Copy !req
321. There you are.Copy !req
322. Can you please explain to me
what you've been doing?Copy !req
323. When a man
loves food and beverages very muchCopy !req
324. and they pass through his system,Copy !req
325. - they make...
- I'm not in the mood.Copy !req
326. Explain your behavior
with Rich today.Copy !req
327. Sorry, not everyone is as in love
with Dr. Do-No-Wrong as you are.Copy !req
328. And don't say
it's because I'm jealous.Copy !req
329. Come on, Jeff!Copy !req
330. I'm sick of this.
One minute, I'm too young to date.Copy !req
331. The next, you're trying
to get rid of guys I like.Copy !req
332. Either you want me or you don't.
What's it gonna be?Copy !req
333. I wish I could give you an answer
that makes sense,Copy !req
334. but relationships are complicated,
and we're in the men's room.Copy !req
335. Fine.Copy !req
336. Well, I'm gonna ask Rich out.Copy !req
337. Nothing complicated about that.Copy !req
338. - There you are.
- I'm in the wrong bathroom?Copy !req
339. You have to find Andre and talk to him.
Shirley is devastated.Copy !req
340. Since when do you want him back?Copy !req
341. I don't deny
that I'm not a fan of the guy,Copy !req
342. but I'm a fan of Shirley,
and this is what she wants.Copy !req
343. There you are.Copy !req
344. Mezzanine?Copy !req
345. - Nice sweater.
- Thanks.Copy !req
346. My dad gave it to me.Copy !req
347. Look, I'm not mad at Shirley.Copy !req
348. You're not?Copy !req
349. No. I'm mad at myself.Copy !req
350. If I hadn't left her like I did,
none of this would have happened.Copy !req
351. You ever have something
that you didn't truly appreciateCopy !req
352. until you didn't have it anymore?Copy !req
353. Keristina.Copy !req
354. - Old girlfriend?
- Almond facial scrub.Copy !req
355. They only make it in Finland.Copy !req
356. The old me would have been long gone
by now.Copy !req
357. I didn't think I could ever change,
but I'm gonna tell you,Copy !req
358. the love of a good woman
makes anything possible.Copy !req
359. It looks like
I'm gonna be a daddy again.Copy !req
360. Doesn't matter who the baby's father is.
I'm in it for the long haul.Copy !req
361. And if it's mine,Copy !req
362. it's gonna be
a great football player.Copy !req
363. And if it's Chang's,Copy !req
364. we'll go for golf.Copy !req
365. Annie just texted me.
She asked Rich out.Copy !req
366. - Cool.
- He said no.Copy !req
367. He said she's great but too young.Copy !req
368. Don't say anything
until I've said what I've got to say.Copy !req
369. I've known you
for almost two years now,Copy !req
370. and I've never taken you
as seriously as I should have.Copy !req
371. You are the strangest,Copy !req
372. coolest, most genuine person
I've ever met,Copy !req
373. and the thing that scares me
about youCopy !req
374. is how good you make me wish I was.Copy !req
375. Help me, Rich.Copy !req
376. Help me become like you.Copy !req
377. I am so amazing.Copy !req
378. But I'm not perfect.Copy !req
379. You are.Copy !req
380. Give me that power.Copy !req
381. So I can abuse it.Copy !req
382. Jeff, you are one funny bunny.Copy !req
383. You can't just fake being good in order
to get away with doing bad things.Copy !req
384. I completely understand.Copy !req
385. And do you understand
that I still have to try?Copy !req
386. And if you don't help me,Copy !req
387. you're a bad person.Copy !req
388. You got me there, guy.Copy !req
389. Come on in and dry off.Copy !req
390. It smells delicious.
Are you baking?Copy !req
391. Yeah, muffin tops.Copy !req
392. Today, we'll show you
how to make kettle corn with Dr. Rich.Copy !req
393. Rich, how do I get
one of those giant spoons?Copy !req
394. Actually, I carved this one myselfCopy !req
395. after lightning struck an oak tree
in my backyard.Copy !req
396. And then I made my nephew
a rocking horse.Copy !req
397. - That's adorable.
- It smells heavenly.Copy !req
398. What sets your kettle corn apart?Copy !req
399. Well, it's a secret ingredient...
a couple extra pinches of love.Copy !req
400. You can't beat that.Copy !req
401. - It feels good.
- Not this again.Copy !req
402. Rich, you know they're doing
a fake morning show?Copy !req
403. There are no cameras.Copy !req
404. I know.Copy !req
405. It's just a fun way
to start the day.Copy !req
406. So grab a paddle, partner,
and hop on in here.Copy !req
407. You know what, that does sound...Copy !req
408. Troy and Abed in the morningCopy !req