1. It's that very special time of year,
Greendale.
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2. A time for me to remind you
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3. that your school acknowledges
no specialness
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4. to this time of year.
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5. You do, of course, have
a constitutional right
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6. to lend this season
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7. the significance of your choosing
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8. in any of our designated holiday zones.
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9. Merry Christmas, everybody.
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10. Don't you mean season's greetings?
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11. Come on, Shirley. You know it's Christmas.
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12. Yes, but as a modern Christian,
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13. I've learned to be sensitive
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14. to other cultures' jealousies.
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15. So what are we doing this year?
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16. Well, I'm taking a relaxation course
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17. next semester.
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18. And I was going to use the break
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19. to do all the reading in advance.
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20. I'm shutting myself in with my video games.
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21. Fake-murdering people is gonna be
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22. my new holiday tradition.
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23. Hm. This is disappointing.
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24. What do you care about Christmas, Abed?
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25. You're Muslim.
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26. Don't your people spend this season
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27. writing angry letters to TV guide?
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28. It's true. Religiously, I'm Muslim.
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29. But I've always been a big fan
of Christmas.
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30. And this is the most important Christmas
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31. in the history of the universe.
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32. I'm assuming that's why we're all
stop-motion animated.
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33. I vote we let it go.
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34. What did you say we were, Abed?
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35. We're stop-motion animated.
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36. I don't understand what he's saying.
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37. I never understand what
any of you are saying.
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38. You guys don't see it?
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39. I noticed it this morning.
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40. That's how I knew it was
a special Christmas.
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41. We've clearly entered a whole new medium.
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42. It's probably Arabic for "not clearly."
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43. You really expect me to tarnish
the high five
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44. for that?
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45. You guys really don't see what I'm seeing?
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46. That worries me a little.
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47. I think it worries all of us.
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48. Is there something that we can do
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49. to help you with your situation, Abed?
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50. For starters, you could move around more.
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51. Not much point in being animated
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52. if you don't.
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53. And I think we should commit to the format.
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54. Starting with a song.
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55. You start. I'm sure we'll join in.
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56. Okay, we got him.
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57. We got him. He's down.
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58. Now, how many fingers am I holding up?
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59. And, more importantly,
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60. are they still made of clay?
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61. Three, and I told you, we're not clay.
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62. We're silicone dolls with foam bodies
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63. over ball-and-socket armatures.
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64. Fascinating.
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65. And publishable.
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66. And you say you have no memory
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67. of this morning.
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68. You don't recall the emotional crisis
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69. that caused you to take shelter
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70. in this delusion.
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71. - It's not a delusion.
- Very, very publishable.
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72. Abed, I've been a professor of psychology
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73. here at Greendale for many years.
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74. And I think I see a solution to this
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75. that might also help you
with your situation.
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76. I'd like to do extensive sessions with you,
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77. including hypnosis.
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78. - I don't need therapy.
- Nobody said you did.
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79. I just think it would benefit you
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80. and, incidentally, me,
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81. to get to the real meaning of all this.
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82. You're right. That's it.
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83. I need to find the meaning of Christmas.
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84. Ah, well...
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85. If I can find the meaning of Christmas,
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86. everything will go back to normal.
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87. Asterisk.
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88. Abed, the dean says
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89. if you don't get help,
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90. they might kick you out of school.
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91. Why would I want to be in a school
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92. that hates Christmas?
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93. He's got a point.
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94. Kidding.
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95. I don't suppose you know
the meaning of Christmas,
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96. lonely snowman.
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97. Apparently, it means getting fondled
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98. by singing mental cases.
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99. My snowman is alive!
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100. I'm not a snowman.
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101. I'm Chang.
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102. What the hell's wrong with you today?
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103. I thought I made you.
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104. Yeah, you made me need to cry
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105. in the shower tonight.
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106. It's a text from Britta.
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107. She says, "the meaning of Christmas
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108. is in the study room."
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109. Hey, now that you started it,
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110. how 'bout ten more seconds
on that third button, huh?
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111. You lied to lure me into
a group therapy session?
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112. Surprise!
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113. Pierce, you promised not to do that.
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114. Surprise.
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115. - Not cool.
- H-h-hold on, Abed.
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116. I'm not just a psych professor.
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117. I'm also a Christmas wizard.
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118. You are?
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119. I am.
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120. And I can help you find
the meaning of Christmas.
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121. Right, guys?
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122. - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah.
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123. Oh, this feels safe.
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124. Shut up, Winger.
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125. What do you think, Abed?
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126. Christmas wizard. Hm.
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127. I guess I can see that.
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128. Have a seat, then.
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129. Nothing to be afraid of.
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130. All your friends are here.
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131. They just want to help.
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132. I'm here for the cookies.
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133. So what do we do?
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134. Well, with your permission,
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135. I'd like to put you into a state
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136. of christmasnosis
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137. and take you on a magic journey.
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138. To winter wonderland?
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139. Sure.
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140. Your own personal winter wonderland.
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141. Come on, everyone.
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142. You all know how magic
Christmas journeys work.
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143. Mm-hmm.
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144. You are playing with so much fire.
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145. Shut up, Winger.
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146. Hands on the table.
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147. Eyes closed.
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148. Heads relaxing.
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149. Necks relaxing.
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150. Don't relax Pierce any lower.
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151. Screw you.
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152. Abed, focus on the sound of my voice,
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153. and let yourself relax.
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154. With each breath, you'll feel...
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155. - It's beginning.
- All right, then.
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156. The table's moving.
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157. Shaking like a rocket about to take off.
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158. Now it's leaving the floor
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159. as the walls and the ceiling fly away.
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160. We're in outer Christmas space.
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161. There's planet holly.
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162. And planet jolly.
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163. Oh, and what's that up ahead?
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164. Ah, it's planet Abed.
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165. Subtle.
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166. Yeah, we're actually descending
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167. onto planet Abed now.
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168. It's the most christmassy planet
in the universe.
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169. Its atmosphere is 7% cinnamon.
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170. Awww.
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171. We're here. Winter wonderland.
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172. See how sparkly?
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173. What, are you crazy?
All I see is the study...
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174. Ooh, sparkly wonderland.
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175. You might notice that during our journey,
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176. you've transformed into Christmas versions
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177. of yourselves.
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178. Jeff-in-the-box.
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179. Uh-huh.
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180. Troy soldier.
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181. Cool! Do I have a gun?
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182. - You have a drum.
- Cool.
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183. Britta, you're Britta-bot.
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184. - Uh...
- Just go with it.
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185. Bleep, bloop.
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186. Teddy Pierce.
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187. Bleep, bloop for me, too.
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188. Ballerannie.
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189. Oh.
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190. Baby doll Shirley.
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191. Baby what? What the hell?
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192. Well, we are making fabulous
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193. and unexpectedly intense progress.
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194. Now, what I'd like to do
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195. is visit the cave of frozen memories.
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196. Pass. Let's head for the north pole.
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197. The meaning of Christmas will be there.
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198. Um, well, yeah.
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199. Yeah, sure. Cheers.
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200. And I actually think I know a shortcut
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201. to the north pole
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202. through the cave of frozen memor...
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203. Fine, I guess we can take gumdrop road
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204. through Carol Canyon
and stop at the cave.
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205. I wouldn't call it a shortcut,
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206. but you got us here,
so I'll throw you a bone.
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207. and walk with me
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208. and see what we can find.
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209. on a journey with me
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210. through the wonderland
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211. Let's move, folks.
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212. This isn't going to be fun, easy, or safe.
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213. Shut up, Winger.
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214. Mm-hmm.
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215. Fair warning, guys.
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216. A journey through winter wonderland
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217. tends to test your commitment to Christmas.
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218. And when I say test, I mean wonka style.
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219. I'm talkin' dark.
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220. Stay honest, stay alert,
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221. and for the love of God,
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222. stay between the gumdrops.
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223. Look up there, Abed.
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224. I think I see the cave of frozen memories.
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225. A great place...
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226. It's actually the cave of frozen peas.
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227. It's a common mistake.
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228. Don't worry, Christmas wizard.
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229. I got this.
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230. Terrific.
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231. Abed, did you say my Christmas self
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232. was a baby?
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233. Are you sure you didn't say
I was a Christmas angel?
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234. I think that must be what you said, right?
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235. Because you respect me too much
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236. to imagine me as a baby.
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237. Jeez, maybe if you cry enough,
he'll change you.
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238. Uh, you do know why he said
you were a robot, right?
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239. Because I'm progressive and kick ass.
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240. How 'bout heartless and godless?
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241. I think he just gave us random identities,
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242. you guys.
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243. I mean, me, a ballerina?
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244. It's not like I'm that thin and graceful.
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245. Right?
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246. Annie, it's because you're fragile
and tightly wound.
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247. Oh!
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248. Ladies, cut the non-thematic chatter,
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249. and keep your eyes on the prize.
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250. We're looking for the meaning of Christmas.
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251. Uh, you know what, Abed?
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252. I happen to know the meaning of Christmas.
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253. And I'm pretty sure I'm the only one
here that does.
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254. So I would appreciate
a certain level of respect,
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255. even if I am a guest
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256. in your make-believe therapy wonderland.
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257. - Therapy?
- All right!
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258. I am freezing Shirley with my wand.
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259. And I am ejecting her from planet Abed
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260. with a remote control
Christmas pterodactyl.
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261. - Oh, nice.
- Now we're talking.
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262. The point being, if you're not interested
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263. in helping Abed,
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264. there's no reason to be here.
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265. Cookies.
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266. high upon her throne
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267. the queen of Christmas babies
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268. That's wonderful.
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269. Let's get back to the magic journey
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270. and wrap up.
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271. Some of us have women to sleep with.
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272. You guys hear that?
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273. Humbugs.
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274. - Humbugs?
- Yeah, a whole swarm of them.
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275. See?
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276. Everyone stay perfectly sincere.
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277. Humbugs are attracted to sarcasm.
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278. Wow.
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279. Somewhere out there,
Tim Burton just got a boner.
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280. Jeff, don't be sarcastic.
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281. Oh, are they on me now?
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282. Oh, no.
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283. They're eating him alive.
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284. If only he could find the power
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285. to not be a smug douche.
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286. Ah, no can do.
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287. I'm just a horrible guy.
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288. Guess I'll have to go get laid...
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289. Ooh, can I sing this one?
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290. Bitter shallow hipster
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291. sweater matching socks
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292. Christmas needs more presence
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293. than a haircut in a box.
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294. Annie, nice.
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295. Get what I did with the word presence?
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296. This is Carol canyon.
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297. Instead of oxygen,
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298. the plants produce Christmas songs.
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299. Will it cost a lot to walk through here?
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300. No, no, it's public domain.
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301. You guys know Jesus was born
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302. in the middle of April, right?
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303. The church moved his birthday to December
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304. so they could steal the solstice
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305. from the pagans.
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306. Season's greetings from Britta Perry.
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307. Maybe you could sing
a song about it, Britta.
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308. I don't sing.
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309. And if I did, I wouldn't sing
Christmas songs.
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310. I guess that means
you're gonna have me ejected
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311. from winter wonderland
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312. for not loving Christmas enough.
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313. Nope, not for that.
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314. Let's get to the cave of frozen memories.
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315. Man, it is cave-like in here.
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316. What do you mean, cave-like? It's a cave.
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317. Nothing to be afraid of.
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318. The cave of frozen memories is a safe place
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319. where we can observe suppressed experiences
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320. without being affected by them.
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321. Can you show me how to do it?
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322. Sure.
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323. Here, I'm focusing on a part of the cave,
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324. and I'm seeing my tenth Christmas.
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325. All right?
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326. Now you try with this morning.
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327. I can't see your tenth Christmas.
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328. How do you even know that's you?
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329. Well, it's my house on 52nd street
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330. in Islington.
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331. What room are you in?
What color are the walls?
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332. Our living room.
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333. Cream-colored plaster.
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334. There's an oil painting of a forest
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335. above the sofa.
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336. I'm reading Paddington books.
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337. Mom got me Paddington every year.
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338. Where's your dad?
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339. It's Christmas, professor.
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340. Where is your dad?
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341. I don't know! We never know!
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342. Mom won't stop crying!
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343. I'm going to America with grandma!
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344. He is good.
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345. We lost our wizard.
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346. We don't need him. Never did.
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347. And nobody needs this cave.
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348. Initiate self-destruct.
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349. Self-destruct initiating.
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350. This slide goes directly
to pine tree station.
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351. We can catch a train
to the north pole from there.
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352. The wizard didn't bring us here
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353. to find the meaning of Christmas.
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354. And I can't have anyone
going beyond this point
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355. that's on his side.
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356. With you to the end, man.
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357. Always.
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358. Like I said, I came for the cookies.
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359. Ouch!
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360. I'm not ejecting you
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361. for your not liking Christmas music,
Britta.
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362. I'm ejecting you for lying
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363. to trick me into therapy.
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364. Abed, they will kick you out of school.
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365. I was trying to save you.
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366. bye, Britta.
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367. Damn, it got real up in that memory cave.
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368. I know, right?
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369. Speaking of real, this has been great.
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370. But the cookies are gone,
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371. and I have to take a giant leak.
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372. We should be at the north pole
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373. 00 eastern candy time.
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374. You guys see the countryside?
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375. There's the menorah mountains.
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376. And Jehovah witness bay.
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377. Thanks for adding that, man.
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378. This is nicer than all the Christmases
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379. I ever celebrated.
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380. But you're Jewish.
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381. On my mom's side.
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382. But my dad's episcopalian.
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383. And before the divorce,
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384. the holidays were a minefield
of overlapping rituals.
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385. I like the rituals.
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386. My parents are divorced, too.
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387. My mom's Polish.
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388. She loves Christmas.
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389. Every year, she visits on the same day.
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390. December 9th.
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391. And every year, we sit and watch
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392. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer together,
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393. every year.
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394. But, Abed, today is December 9th.
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395. It's the last day of classes.
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396. Yeah.
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397. That can't be right.
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398. She comes every year.
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399. Today must be December 8th.
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400. 'Cause she comes every year.
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401. Okay, Abed.
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402. Time to stop the train.
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403. After you emasculated me in the ice caves,
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404. I went to your dorm room.
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405. I know what happened now.
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406. It doesn't matter.
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407. I just need to get to the north pole.
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408. Abed, there is no north pole.
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409. We're in the library study room,
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410. and I'm not a Christmas wizard.
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411. I know.
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412. You're a Christmas warlock.
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413. You're trying to destroy Christmas
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414. because you blame your sadness on it.
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415. I'm crawling out the window.
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416. No, you're not.
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417. Snap out of it.
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418. Whoa, whoa, who taught you therapy?
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419. Michael Jackson's dad?
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420. I am a professional.
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421. And you are tampering
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422. with a highly delicate book deal.
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423. I mean, human being.
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424. Oh, now we're losing him.
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425. I'm on the roof of the train.
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426. Oh, great.
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427. Well, I'm teleporting there.
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428. Because I can do that.
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429. 'Cause I'm a wizard.
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430. Bloink!
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431. Abed, there is no train.
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432. This is not real!
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433. I can't hear you.
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434. I'm going to the front car.
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435. You're very clever.
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436. But it stops here.
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437. There's no more journey.
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438. It's just you against reality.
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439. And reality always wins.
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440. Abed!
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441. I'm unhitching the cars, okay?
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442. What? Oh, give me a break.
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443. Do you know what you're doing?
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444. Bloink! We're learning to teleport.
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445. And we're helping our friend
find the meaning
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446. of Christmas.
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447. Hey, you're actually grabbing me
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448. in real life, delinquent!
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449. We'll keep him away, Abed!
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450. Go!
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451. Find the meaning of Christmas!
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452. At the very least,
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453. take notes!
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454. Whoof. All right, where are we?
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455. Christmas train?
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456. I didn't wanna go home.
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457. It's depressing there this time of year.
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458. What are we looking at?
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459. Santa's workshop.
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460. Okay.
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461. So, meaning of Christmas, right?
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462. You see it?
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463. Well, can it just be anywhere?
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464. Like... There?
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465. Good job, Pierce.
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466. It's the first season of lost on DVD.
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467. That's the meaning of Christmas?
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468. No, it's a metaphor.
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469. It represents lack of payoff.
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470. Correct.
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471. Thinking there was something you could do
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472. to save Christmas,
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473. turning yourself into an animated character
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474. in search of the holiday's meaning,
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475. these were mechanisms you used
to escape this.
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476. This Christmas card.
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477. Left where you dropped it
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478. on the floor of your dorm.
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479. "Abed,
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480. "I can't make it this year.
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481. "I have a new family now.
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482. "You'll meet them one day.
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483. "You're a man now.
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484. "Take care of dad.
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485. Wash your dupa."
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486. Mommy's moved on.
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487. New family.
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488. New life.
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489. There's nothing left to do now
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490. but heal.
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491. And share the experience
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492. with as many reputable journals
as possible.
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493. Great.
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494. Look what you did to the kid.
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495. What's your article gonna be called?
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496. "Worst shrink ever"?
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497. Hey, this is not my fault.
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498. This is what Christmas does to people.
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499. We put too much meaning into it,
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500. and it lets us down.
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501. We beg to differ.
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502. What are you doing back here?
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503. Saving Christmas.
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504. Everybody point your magic Christmas
weapons at him.
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505. Oh, brother.
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506. This is ridiculous.
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507. You are enabling a delusion.
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508. The delusion you're trying to cure
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509. is called Christmas, Duncan.
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510. It's the crazy notion
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511. that the longest, coldest, darkest nights
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512. can be the warmest and brightest.
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513. Yeah, and when we all agree
to support each other
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514. in that insanity,
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515. something even crazier happens.
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516. It becomes true.
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517. Works every year.
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518. Like clockwork.
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519. Try telling that to your catatonic friend.
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520. I got a better idea.
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521. Why don't we sing it?
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522. - Wait... what?
- Yeah, let's not go overboard.
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523. Will you two commit to something
for a change?
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524. - Let's sing it.
- Yeah, let's sing.
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525. Can we sing while we blow Duncan away?
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526. Absolutely.
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527. Ow! Ah, ah!
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528. You start, Britta.
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529. Hey, not the face.
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530. And... Christmas pterodactyl!
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531. All right, all right. I'm leaving.
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532. Initiate self-destruct.
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533. Don't you think that's a little bit...
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534. I get it.
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535. The meaning of Christmas is...
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536. The idea that Christmas has meaning.
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537. And it can mean whatever we want.
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538. For me, it used to mean being with my mom.
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539. Now it means being with you guys.
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540. Thanks, lost.
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541. Wow.
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542. I feel so much better now.
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543. I guess we don't need to be
stop-motion anymore.
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544. Well, why not just keep it going
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545. for the rest of Christmas?
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546. It just feels so right.
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547. You ever get the urge to just...
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548. "Merry Christmas!"
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549. Ah, there.
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550. Said it.
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551. We're stop-motion again.
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552. Oh, don't worry, man. I did this.
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553. - You did?
- Yeah, it's cool.
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554. Oh. Why?
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555. Well, I always liked the way
fake food looked
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556. on those animated shows.
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557. I mean, get a load of these things.
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558. They really stepped up a notch
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559. in terms of visual deliciousness.
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560. I know what you mean.
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561. Look at that perfect bite.
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562. It's a little odd that I see this,
too, though,
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563. don't you think?
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564. Yeah. We're weird that way.
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565. Ah, that's better.
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566. So weird.
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567. Troy and Abed in stop-motion
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