1. It's that very special time of year,
Greendale.Copy !req
2. A time for me to remind youCopy !req
3. that your school acknowledges
no specialness to this time of year.Copy !req
4. You do, of course,Copy !req
5. have a constitutional right
to lend this seasonCopy !req
6. the significance of your choosing
in any of our designated holiday zones.Copy !req
7. - Merry Christmas, everybody.
- Don't you mean season's greetings?Copy !req
8. Come on.
You know it's Christmas.Copy !req
9. Yes, but as a modern Christian,Copy !req
10. I've learned to be sensitive
to other culture's jealousies.Copy !req
11. - So what are we doing this year?
- I'm gonna take a relaxation course.Copy !req
12. And I was going to use the break
to do all the reading in advance.Copy !req
13. I'm shutting myself
in with my video games.Copy !req
14. Fake-murdering people
is gonna be my new holiday tradition.Copy !req
15. Disappointing.Copy !req
16. What do you care about Christmas?
You're Muslim.Copy !req
17. Don't your people spend this season
writing angry letters to TV Guide?Copy !req
18. It's true. Religiously, I'm Muslim.
But I've always been a fan of Christmas.Copy !req
19. And this is the most important Christmas
in the history of the universe.Copy !req
20. I'm assuming that's why
we're all stop-motion animated.Copy !req
21. - I vote we let it go.
- What did you say we were, Abed?Copy !req
22. - We're stop-motion animated.
- I don't understand.Copy !req
23. I never understand
what you're saying.Copy !req
24. You guys don't see it?
I noticed it this morning.Copy !req
25. That's how I knew for special Christmas.
We clearly entered a whole new medium.Copy !req
26. Does the word "clearly"Copy !req
27. mean the same thing to you
as it does to normal people?Copy !req
28. It's probably Arabic
for "not clearly."Copy !req
29. You really expect me
to tarnish the high five for that?Copy !req
30. You guys really don't see
what I'm seeing?Copy !req
31. That worries me.Copy !req
32. I think it worries all of us.Copy !req
33. Is there something
that we can do to help youCopy !req
34. with your situation, Abed?Copy !req
35. You could move around more.Copy !req
36. Not much point in being animated
if you don't.Copy !req
37. And I think we should commit
to the format. Starting with a song.Copy !req
38. You start.
I'm sure we'll join in.Copy !req
39. Give me the snowCopy !req
40. Light up the treesCopy !req
41. Deck every hallCopy !req
42. And while you can seeCopy !req
43. Roast every nutCopy !req
44. Mistle the toeCopy !req
45. This needs to be the best Christmas
since the originalCopy !req
46. 20,000 years from nowCopy !req
47. they'll sayCopy !req
48. the most successful ChristmasCopy !req
49. was todayCopy !req
50. Okay, we got him.
We got him.Copy !req
51. He's down.Copy !req
52. Now, how many fingers
am I holding up?Copy !req
53. And, more importantly,
are they still made of clay?Copy !req
54. Three, and I told you,
we're not clay.Copy !req
55. We're silicone dolls with foam bodies
over ball-and-socket armatures.Copy !req
56. Fascinating.
And publishable.Copy !req
57. And you say you have
no memory of this morning.Copy !req
58. You don't recall
the emotional crisisCopy !req
59. that caused you to take shelter
in this delusion.Copy !req
60. - It's not a delusion.
- Very, very publishable.Copy !req
61. I've been a professor of psychology
here at GreendaleCopy !req
62. for many years.Copy !req
63. And I think I see a solution to thisCopy !req
64. that might also help you
with your situation.Copy !req
65. I'd like to do extensive sessions
with you, including hypnosis.Copy !req
66. - I don't need therapy.
- Nobody said you did.Copy !req
67. I just think
it would benefit you and,Copy !req
68. incidentally, me,Copy !req
69. to get to the real meaning
of all this.Copy !req
70. You're right. That's it.
I need to find the meaning of Christmas.Copy !req
71. If I can find the meaning of Christmas,
everything will go back to normal.Copy !req
72. - Asterisk.
- Abed,Copy !req
73. the dean says if you don't get help,
they might kick you out of school.Copy !req
74. Why would I want to be in a school
that hates Christmas?Copy !req
75. He's got a point.
Kidding.Copy !req
76. Sad quick Christmas songCopy !req
77. Sad quick Christmas snowmanCopy !req
78. tragic day gone wrongCopy !req
79. Sad quick Christmas songCopy !req
80. I don't suppose you know
the meaning of Christmas.Copy !req
81. Apparently, it means getting fondled
by singing mental cases.Copy !req
82. My snowman is alive!Copy !req
83. I'm not a snowman.
I'm Chang.Copy !req
84. - What's wrong with you today?
- I thought I made you.Copy !req
85. Yeah, you made me need to cry
in the shower tonight.Copy !req
86. It's a text from Britta.Copy !req
87. She says, "the meaning of Christmas
is in the study room."Copy !req
88. Now that you started it,Copy !req
89. how'bout ten more seconds
on that third button, huh?Copy !req
90. You lied to lure me
into a group therapy session?Copy !req
91. Surprise!Copy !req
92. - You promised not to do that.
- Surprise.Copy !req
93. - Not cool.
- Hold on, Abed.Copy !req
94. I'm not just a psych professor.Copy !req
95. - I'm also a Christmas wizard.
- You are?Copy !req
96. I am.Copy !req
97. And I can help you find
the meaning of Christmas.Copy !req
98. Right, guys?Copy !req
99. This feels safe.Copy !req
100. Shut up, Winger.Copy !req
101. What do you think, Abed?Copy !req
102. Christmas wizard.Copy !req
103. - I guess I can see that.
- Have a seat, then.Copy !req
104. Nothing to be afraid of.Copy !req
105. All your friends are here.
They just want to help.Copy !req
106. - I'm here for the cookies.
- So what do we do?Copy !req
107. With your permission,
I'd like to put you into a state ofCopy !req
108. ChristmasnosisCopy !req
109. and take you on a magic journey.Copy !req
110. - To Winter Wonderland?
- Sure.Copy !req
111. Your own personal winter Wonderland.Copy !req
112. Come on, everyone. You all know
how magic Christmas journeys work.Copy !req
113. - You are playing with so much fire.
- Shut up, Winger.Copy !req
114. Hands on the table.
Eyes closed.Copy !req
115. Heads relaxing.Copy !req
116. Necks relaxing.Copy !req
117. - Don't relax Pierce any lower.
- Screw you.Copy !req
118. Abed, focus on the sound
of my voice,Copy !req
119. and let yourself relax.Copy !req
120. - With each breath, you'll feel...
- It's beginning.Copy !req
121. - All right, then.
- The table's moving.Copy !req
122. Shaking like a rocket
about to take off.Copy !req
123. Now it's leaving the floor
as the walls and the ceiling fly away.Copy !req
124. We're in outer Christmas space.Copy !req
125. There's planet Holly.
And planet Jolly.Copy !req
126. And what's that up ahead?Copy !req
127. - Ah, it's planet Abed.
- Subtle.Copy !req
128. We're actually descending
onto planet Abed now.Copy !req
129. It's the most Christmassy planet
in the universe.Copy !req
130. Its atmosphere is 7% cinnamon.Copy !req
131. We're here. Winter Wonderland.
See how sparkly?Copy !req
132. What, are you crazy?
All I see is the study...Copy !req
133. Sparkly Wonderland.Copy !req
134. You might notice, you've transformed
into Christmas versions of yourselves.Copy !req
135. Jeff-in-the-box.Copy !req
136. Troy soldier.Copy !req
137. - Cool! Do I have a gun?
- You have a drum.Copy !req
138. - Britta, you're Britta-bot.
- Just go with it.Copy !req
139. Bleep, bloop.Copy !req
140. Teddy Pierce.Copy !req
141. - Bleep, bloop for me, too.
- Baller-Annie.Copy !req
142. Baby doll Shirley.Copy !req
143. Baby what?
What the hell?Copy !req
144. We are making fabulous
and unexpectedly intense progress.Copy !req
145. Now, what I'd like to do
is visit the caveCopy !req
146. of frozen memories.Copy !req
147. Pass. Let's head for the North Pole.
The meaning of Christmas will be there.Copy !req
148. Well, yeah.
Yeah, sure. Cheers.Copy !req
149. And I actually think I know
a shortcut to the North PoleCopy !req
150. - through the cave of frozen memor...
- Fine,Copy !req
151. I guess we can take Gumdrop Road
by Carol canyon and stop at the cave.Copy !req
152. I wouldn't call it a shortcut,
but you got us here.Copy !req
153. Come with me and walk with meCopy !req
154. And see what we can findCopy !req
155. Accompany me on a journey with meCopy !req
156. Through the WonderlandCopy !req
157. In my mindCopy !req
158. Let's move, folks.Copy !req
159. This isn't going to be fun,
easy, or safe.Copy !req
160. Shut up, Winger.Copy !req
161. A journey at Winter Wonderland tends
to test your commitment to Christmas.Copy !req
162. And when I say test, I mean wonka style.
I'm talkin' dark.Copy !req
163. My advice:Copy !req
164. stay honest, stay alert,
and for the love of God,Copy !req
165. stay between the gumdrops.Copy !req
166. Look up there, Abed.Copy !req
167. I think I see the cave
of frozen memories.Copy !req
168. - A great place...
- It's actually the cave of frozen peas.Copy !req
169. It's a common mistake.
Don't worry, Christmas wizard.Copy !req
170. - I got this.
- Terrific.Copy !req
171. Did you say my Christmas self
was a baby?Copy !req
172. Are you sure you didn't say
I was a Christmas angel?Copy !req
173. 'Cause you respect me too much
to imagine me as a baby.Copy !req
174. Maybe if you cry enough,
he'll change you.Copy !req
175. You know why he said
you were a robot?Copy !req
176. - Because I'm progressive and kick ass.
- How 'bout heartless and godless?Copy !req
177. I think he just gave us
random identities, you guys.Copy !req
178. I mean, me, a ballerina?Copy !req
179. It's not like I'm that thin
and graceful. Right?Copy !req
180. Annie, it's because you're fragile
and tightly wound.Copy !req
181. Ladies,
cut the non-thematic chatter,Copy !req
182. and keep your eyes on the prize.
We're looking the meaning of Christmas.Copy !req
183. You know what, Abed? I happen to know
the meaning of Christmas.Copy !req
184. I'm sure I'm the only one that does.
I would appreciate a level of respect,Copy !req
185. even if I am a guest
in your make-believe therapy Wonderland.Copy !req
186. - Therapy?
- All right!Copy !req
187. I am freezing Shirley with my wand.Copy !req
188. And I am ejecting her
from planet AbedCopy !req
189. with a remote controlCopy !req
190. Christmas pterodactyl.Copy !req
191. - Nice.
- Now we're talking.Copy !req
192. The point being, if you're not
interested in helping Abed,Copy !req
193. there's no reason to be here.Copy !req
194. Cookies.Copy !req
195. Swaddled in her diaperCopy !req
196. High upon her throneCopy !req
197. The queen of Christmas babiesCopy !req
198. thought that Christmas was her ownCopy !req
199. That's wonderful.Copy !req
200. Let's get back to the magic journey
to wrap up. We have women to sleep with.Copy !req
201. You guys hear that?Copy !req
202. Humbugs.Copy !req
203. - Humbugs?
- Yeah, a whole swarm of them. See?Copy !req
204. Everyone stay perfectly sincere.
Humbugs are attracted to sarcasm.Copy !req
205. Somewhere out there,
Tim Burton got a boner.Copy !req
206. Jeff, don't be sarcastic.Copy !req
207. Are they on me now?Copy !req
208. Oh, no.Copy !req
209. They're eating him alive.Copy !req
210. If only he could find the power
to not be a smug douche.Copy !req
211. No can do.Copy !req
212. I'm just a horrible guy.Copy !req
213. Guess I'll have to go get laid...Copy !req
214. Can I sing this one?Copy !req
215. Bitter shallow hipsterCopy !req
216. Sweater matching socksCopy !req
217. Christmas needs more presenceCopy !req
218. Than a haircut in a boxCopy !req
219. Annie, nice.Copy !req
220. Get what I did
with the word "presence"?Copy !req
221. Carol Canyon.Copy !req
222. Instead of oxygen,
the plants produce Christmas songs.Copy !req
223. - Will it cost a lot to walk through?
- No, it's public domain.Copy !req
224. You guys know Jesus was born
in the middle of April, right?Copy !req
225. The church moved
his birthday to DecemberCopy !req
226. so they could steal the solstice
from the Pagans.Copy !req
227. Season's greetings
from Britta Perry.Copy !req
228. - Maybe you could sing a song about it.
- I don't sing.Copy !req
229. And if I did,
I wouldn't sing Christmas songs.Copy !req
230. I guess you're gonna have me ejected
from winter wonderlandCopy !req
231. for not loving Christmas enough.Copy !req
232. Nope, not for that.Copy !req
233. Let's get to the cave
of frozen memories.Copy !req
234. Man, it is cave-like in here.Copy !req
235. What do you mean?
It's a cave.Copy !req
236. Nothing to be afraid of.Copy !req
237. The cave of frozen memories
is a safe place,Copy !req
238. where we can observe
suppressed experiencesCopy !req
239. without being affected by them.Copy !req
240. - Can you show me how to do it?
- Sure.Copy !req
241. Here, I'm focusing
on a part of the cave,Copy !req
242. and I'm seeing my tenth Christmas.Copy !req
243. All right?
Now you try with this morning.Copy !req
244. I can't see your tenth Christmas.
How do you know that's you?Copy !req
245. It's my house on 52nd street
in Islington.Copy !req
246. What room are you in?
What color are the walls?Copy !req
247. Our living room.
Cream-colored plaster.Copy !req
248. There's an oil painting of a forest
above the sofa.Copy !req
249. I'm reading Paddington books.Copy !req
250. Mom got me Paddington every year.Copy !req
251. Where's your dad?Copy !req
252. It's Christmas, professor.
Where is your dad?Copy !req
253. I don't know!
We never know!Copy !req
254. Mom won't stop crying!Copy !req
255. I'm going to America with Grandma!Copy !req
256. - He is good.
- We lost our wizard.Copy !req
257. We don't need him.Copy !req
258. And nobody needs this cave.Copy !req
259. Initiate self-destruct.Copy !req
260. Self-destruct initiating.Copy !req
261. This slide goes directly
to pine tree station.Copy !req
262. We can catch a train
to the North Pole from there.Copy !req
263. We're not here
to find the meaning of Christmas.Copy !req
264. Anyone going beyond this point,
that's on his side.Copy !req
265. With you to the end, man.Copy !req
266. Always.Copy !req
267. Like I said, I came for the cookies.Copy !req
268. I'm not ejecting you
for your not liking Christmas music.Copy !req
269. I'm ejecting you for lying
to trick me into therapy.Copy !req
270. Abed,
they will kick you out of school.Copy !req
271. I was trying to save you.Copy !req
272. Britta-botCopy !req
273. Programmed badlyCopy !req
274. Wires with fraying endsCopy !req
275. FunctioningCopy !req
276. Mad and sadlyCopy !req
277. No faith in herselfCopy !req
278. Or friendsCopy !req
279. Bye, Britta.Copy !req
280. Damn, it got real
up in that memory cave.Copy !req
281. - I know, right?
- Speaking of real, this has been great.Copy !req
282. But the cookies are gone,
and I have to take a giant leak.Copy !req
283. We should be at the North Pole
by 9:00 eastern candy time.Copy !req
284. You see the countryside?Copy !req
285. There's the Menorah mountains.
And Jehovah witness bay.Copy !req
286. Thanks for adding that.Copy !req
287. This is nicer than all the Christmases
I ever celebrated.Copy !req
288. - But you're Jewish.
- On my mom's side.Copy !req
289. But my dad's episcopalian.Copy !req
290. And before the divorce,Copy !req
291. the holidays were a minefield
of overlapping rituals.Copy !req
292. I like the rituals.Copy !req
293. My parents are divorced, too.
My mom's polish.Copy !req
294. She loves Christmas.Copy !req
295. Every year, she visits on the same day.
December 9th.Copy !req
296. And every year, we sit and watch
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer together,Copy !req
297. every year.Copy !req
298. But, Abed, today is December 9th.Copy !req
299. It's the last day of classes.Copy !req
300. That can't be right.
She comes every year.Copy !req
301. Today must be December 8th.Copy !req
302. 'Cause she comes every year.Copy !req
303. Time to stop the train.Copy !req
304. After you emasculated me
in the ice caves,Copy !req
305. I went to your dorm room.Copy !req
306. - I know what happened now.
- It doesn't matter.Copy !req
307. - I just need to get to the North Pole.
- Abed, there is no North Pole.Copy !req
308. We're in the library study room,
and I'm not a Christmas wizard.Copy !req
309. I know.
You're a Christmas warlock.Copy !req
310. You're trying to destroy Christmas
to blame your sadness on it.Copy !req
311. - I'm crawling out the window.
- You're not.Copy !req
312. Snap out of it.Copy !req
313. Who taught you therapy?
Michael Jackson's dad?Copy !req
314. I am a professional.Copy !req
315. And you are tampering
with a highly delicate book deal.Copy !req
316. I mean, human being.Copy !req
317. - Now we're losing him.
- I'm on the roof of the train.Copy !req
318. Great.
Well, I'm teleporting there.Copy !req
319. Because I can do that.Copy !req
320. 'Cause I'm a wizard.Copy !req
321. Abed, there is no train.Copy !req
322. This is not real!Copy !req
323. I can't hear you.
I'm going to the front car.Copy !req
324. You're very clever.Copy !req
325. But it stops here.
There's no more journey.Copy !req
326. It's just you against reality.Copy !req
327. And reality always wins.Copy !req
328. I'm unhitching the cars, okay?Copy !req
329. What?
Give me a break.Copy !req
330. Do you know what you're doing?Copy !req
331. We're learning to teleport.Copy !req
332. And we're helping our friend
find the meaning of Christmas.Copy !req
333. You're actually grabbing me
in real life, delinquent!Copy !req
334. We'll keep him away, Abed!Copy !req
335. Go!Copy !req
336. Find the meaning of Christmas!Copy !req
337. At the very least, take notes!Copy !req
338. All right, where are we?
Christmas train?Copy !req
339. I didn't wanna go home.Copy !req
340. It's depressing there
this time of year.Copy !req
341. What are we looking at?Copy !req
342. Santa's workshop.Copy !req
343. So, meaning of Christmas, right?
You see it?Copy !req
344. Well, can it just be anywhere?Copy !req
345. Like... There?Copy !req
346. Good job, Pierce.Copy !req
347. It's the first season of Lost
on DVD.Copy !req
348. That's the meaning of Christmas?Copy !req
349. No, it's a metaphor.
It represents lack of payoff.Copy !req
350. Correct.Copy !req
351. Thinking there was something you could
do to save Christmas,Copy !req
352. turning yourself
into an animated characterCopy !req
353. in search of the holiday's meaning,Copy !req
354. these were mechanisms
you used to escape this.Copy !req
355. This Christmas card.Copy !req
356. Left where you dropped it
on the floor of your dorm.Copy !req
357. "Abed,Copy !req
358. "I can't make it this year.Copy !req
359. "I have a new family now.
You'll meet them one day.Copy !req
360. "You're a man now.Copy !req
361. "Take care of Dad.Copy !req
362. "Wash your dupa."Copy !req
363. Mommy's moved on.Copy !req
364. New family.
New life.Copy !req
365. There's nothing left to do now
but heal.Copy !req
366. And share the experienceCopy !req
367. with as many
reputable journals as possible.Copy !req
368. Great.
Look what you did to the kid.Copy !req
369. What's your article gonna be called?
"Worst shrink ever"?Copy !req
370. This is not my fault.Copy !req
371. This is what Christmas
does to people.Copy !req
372. We put too much meaning into it,
and it lets us down.Copy !req
373. We beg to differ.Copy !req
374. - What are you doing back here?
- Saving Christmas.Copy !req
375. Everybody point your magic
Christmas weapons at him.Copy !req
376. Oh, brother.
This is ridiculous.Copy !req
377. You are enabling a delusion.Copy !req
378. The delusion you're trying to cure
is called Christmas, Duncan.Copy !req
379. It's the crazy notion that the longest,
coldest, darkest nightsCopy !req
380. can be the warmest and brightest.Copy !req
381. And when we all agree
to support each other in that insanity,Copy !req
382. something even crazier happens.Copy !req
383. It becomes true.Copy !req
384. Works every year.Copy !req
385. Like clockwork.Copy !req
386. Try telling that
to your catatonic friend.Copy !req
387. I got a better idea.Copy !req
388. Why don't we sing it?Copy !req
389. - Wait-what?
- Let's not go overboard.Copy !req
390. Commit to something for a change?Copy !req
391. - Let's sing it.
- Yeah, let's sing.Copy !req
392. Can we sing
while we blow Duncan away?Copy !req
393. Absolutely.Copy !req
394. You start, Britta.Copy !req
395. Christmas time is a time to singCopy !req
396. That's what Christmas is forCopy !req
397. Christmas can even be
a Hanukah thingCopy !req
398. That's what Christmas is forCopy !req
399. And for a huge percentage
of this god-fearing planetCopy !req
400. It's about the birth of Jesus ChristCopy !req
401. But for the rest of usCopy !req
402. It's still a good timeCopy !req
403. To remember that it's good
to be niceCopy !req
404. Music and cookies
and licorice dreamsCopy !req
405. That's what Christmas is forCopy !req
406. Video games for two straight weeksCopy !req
407. That's what Christmas is forCopy !req
408. Not the face.Copy !req
409. Hanging out with the people you loveCopy !req
410. And saying I love youCopy !req
411. That's what Christmas isCopy !req
412. That's what Christmas isCopy !req
413. That's what ChristmasCopy !req
414. Is forCopy !req
415. And... Christmas pterodactyl!Copy !req
416. All right, I'm leaving.Copy !req
417. Initiate self-destruct.Copy !req
418. Don't you think
that's a little bit...Copy !req
419. I get it.Copy !req
420. The meaning of Christmas is...
the idea that Christmas has meaning.Copy !req
421. And it can mean whatever we want.Copy !req
422. For me, it used to mean
being with my mom.Copy !req
423. Now it means being with you.Copy !req
424. Thanks, Lost.Copy !req
425. I feel so much better now.Copy !req
426. We don't need
to be stop-motion anymore.Copy !req
427. Well, why not just keep it going
for the rest of Christmas?Copy !req
428. It just feels so right.Copy !req
429. You ever get the urge to just...Copy !req
430. "Merry Christmas!"Copy !req
431. There.
Said it.Copy !req
432. - We stop-motion again.
- Don't worry.Copy !req
433. - I did this.
- You did?Copy !req
434. - It's cool.
- Why?Copy !req
435. I always liked the way fake food
looked on those animated shows.Copy !req
436. Get a load of these things.Copy !req
437. They really stepped up a notch
in terms of visual deliciousness.Copy !req
438. I know what you mean.
Look at that perfect bite.Copy !req
439. It's a little odd that I see this, too,
don't you think?Copy !req
440. - We're weird that way.
- I'll say.Copy !req
441. - That's better.
- So weird.Copy !req
442. Troy and Abed in stop-motion.Copy !req