Community 2x1

Directed by Joe Russo

John Oliver as Professor Ian Duncan • Richard Erdman as Leonard • Dino Stamatopoulos as Star-Burns • Betty White as Professor June Bauer • Abigail Marlowe as Female Britta Fan #1 • Sara Van Horn as Female Server • Angela Malhotra as Female Student • Kelsey Gunn as Student #1 • Jim Rash as Dean Craig Pelton

When the semester starts, Jeff is stunned that his rejection of Britta has made her a campus star; Chang wants to be accepted into the study group.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. And we're back.

2. Welcome, students, new and old

3. to another fall semester at Greendale!

4. It's time for clean slates and fresh starts.

5. Celebrate your fresh start tonight

6. at the fresh start dance in the cafeteria.

7. The same cafeteria where Britta Perry publicly professed

8. her love to Jeff Winger who then walked out on her.

9. Unforgettable! Plus,

10. free punch and fresh start cookies tonight

11. at the fresh start dance!

12. Look at us... Living together, driving to school together.

13. I know. We're like batman and Shaft.

14. Batman actually had a guy. His name was Robin.

15. He rode around with him.

16. Troy, Batman's friend didn't have to be Robin.

17. It could have been Shaft, Dolemite...

18. Leroy Brown.

19. Don't let society limit your people.

20. Batman and Shaft.

21. You saw Troy's twitter page where he posts everything pierce says?

22. "Oldwhitemansays"? It's hilarious.

23. Hello, honey!

24. - I like your hair. - Thank you, Abed.

25. You're welcome.

26. - How was your summer? - Lived with you.

27. Are you guys ready for whatever... Anthropology is?

28. We should wait for Britta.

29. Do we know if she's coming back? She never returned my calls or emails.

30. Me neither.

31. It's not gonna be the same without her.

32. Did you guys see Toy Story 3?

33. I made an ass of myself and Jeff at that dance.

34. I was just caught up in a competition with his turd of an ex-girlfriend,

35. I wish I could erase the entire night, and I owe you an apology.

36. I accept.

37. Sweetie, you don't owe us anything,

38. and you don't have to hide from us.

39. You? I'm hiding from them.

40. It's like high school all over again.

41. Psycho Britta, the walking freak show

42. for every Barbie with a Cosmo subscription.

43. I don't mean to be a tool, but you embarrassed me that night too,

44. So call it karma.

45. I hope I'm not around when you do mean to be a tool.

46. Let's just put this behind us

47. and just walk to class, OK?

48. - You're Britta Perry? - Yes. What's it to you?

49. You are the...

50. Coolest!

51. Right.

52. At what, exactly?

53. Being fearless!

54. Honest. Speaking from your heart.

55. "Jeff Winger, I love you."

56. My heart may have overstated...

57. - Do you sign stuff? - Now and again.

58. - Awesome. - I don't like where that's going.

59. I know. Right?

60. Do you remember the little talk we had?

61. - The one about discretion? - Stop that.

62. Look, we agreed that you and I kissing was a mistake.

63. And if anyone were to find out about it, I would be tarred, feathered,

64. and put on those websites people check when they're buying a house.

65. It's forgotten!

66. I'm not some love-struck teenybopper!

67. But we didn't just kiss. We technically Frenched.

68. I checked the make-out meter in this month's issue of...

69. National review.

70. I don't like where that's going.

71. - Feygnasse Team -

72. La Fabrique ::.

73. 2x01: Anthropology 101

74. Senor Chang!

75. I guess it's not senor anymore. What should we call you?

76. - Student Chang? - Two credits into a music major Chang?

77. How'bout not calling me anything?

78. Why are you in this class?

79. We chose it together. The real question is...

80. Why are you in it?

81. You missed us?

82. Don't flatter yourself.

83. Have you checked out the course description?

84. Ancient weaponry?

85. Genital mutilation?

86. Subject's talking my Changuage.

87. I don't get it.

88. Star-burns has grown reliant on his star-shaped sideburns

89. but still craves identity beyond them, so he added a hat.

90. What's up with Britta-mania?

91. That's even simpler. In the eyes of the public,

92. Britta left out there, you left, making her the underdog,

93. - the Jilt-ee, the Aniston. - That's ridiculous.

94. - Do you have any hillbilly cousins? - I wish. Why?

95. A wealthy uncle? Or a buddy that may or may not have had a sex change?

96. Why are you mining my life for classic sitcom scenarios?

97. I'm just excited about the new year, looking for ways to improve things.

98. I'm hoping we can move away from the soapy relationshipy stuff

99. into bigger, fast-paced, self-contained escapades.

100. What is it, exactly, that separates man from animal?

101. Divorce?

102. Tools.

103. Like this blowgun I used

104. to hunt monkeys with the Korubo in the Amazon.

105. My name is professor June Bauer,

106. And this semester,

107. I will guide you to the very threshold of your humanity,

108. here you will lock eyes with the shrieking,

109. blood-drenched sister-raping beasts

110. from which we sprang.

111. You will also have to make a diorama.

112. For your first assignment,

113. I would like you to form tribes of no more than eight

114. and, if you can,

115. mix up the races,

116. or you'll be surprised at how quickly things get awkward.

117. Now that Troy's off the streets and living with me,

118. he's learning so much about the world.

119. Tell me again why Jewish people wear yarmulkes.

120. Half a hat. Saves money.

121. Thank you!

122. "Half a hat"?

123. That is so offensive!

124. I love "oldwhitemansays".

125. Find an eighth dork for your tribe of dorks?

126. I'm starting to think you took anthropology

127. 'cause you wanna be in our study group but are too proud to ask.

128. What? Keep dreaming, Winger.

129. Would somebody with too much pride...

130. Do this?

131. Current balance,

132. Twenty three dollars and twenty cents.

133. Consider yourself Chang-Ed.

134. Mac and cheese, please.

135. Sorry. Looks like your food just walked out on ya.

136. Same way you did Britta.

137. Can we talk?

138. - Now he wants to talk. - No. It's fine. I'll be right back.

139. - You got some real passionate fans. - It'll blow over.

140. Would you mind...

141. Helping it blow over?

142. My stock is kinda plummeting around here.

143. I don't mean to sound like a tool, but maybe it's karma.

144. You're excited to finally be popular with women,

145. but don't get high on your own drama.

146. High on my own drama?

147. People's champion!

148. Sorry, man. I gotta go where the heat is.

149. Jeff Winger, you're a jerk!

150. She's turned every woman on campus against me.

151. Not every woman. Certainly not the one that deserves to be with you.

152. All women deserve to be with me. And vice versa.

153. Granted. But who doesn't eventually settle down?

154. I don't. And I never will. And if I did...

155. If I did...

156. I can beat Britta at her own game.

157. Good.

158. Yeah, you better take a hike!

159. Do you know where the cleanest bathroom is?

160. Teacher's lounge.

161. Don't be shy. Come on up, have a sip.

162. The yogi of India swear

163. by its restorative powers.

164. More of my urine for me.

165. Now for your tribe's assignment.

166. This box

167. contains nine different tools,

168. all of them important

169. to humanity's survival.

170. One of them is the most important of all.

171. Your tribe's assignment for tomorrow

172. Is to tell me which tool

173. that is. Questions?

174. I have a question.

175. But not for you.

176. It's for Britta.

177. I love you.

178. I know this puts you in an awkwardly

179. powerful position,

180. but I have to know right now, in front of everyone...

181. Do you love me too?

182. More than anything in the world.

183. Really.

184. So...

185. It begins...

186. The greatest relationship ever known.

187. This is making me sick.

188. I'm gonna love you forever.

189. Good. I'm gonna love you forever.

190. I don't believe you.

191. Why? Don't you want me to?

192. No, I do. Bring it.

193. Doesn't it make you wanna cry?

194. Something like that. Excuse me.

195. I downloaded a song that makes me think of you.

196. Let's listen to it, each using one earbud.

197. Would you consider spinning off with me?

198. We could open a hair salon together.

199. I don't understand. Is this you being meta?

200. I wanted to come out of the gate having adventures, like paintball.

201. - This is boring. - Well, I think that's selfish.

202. If you were their friend,

203. you'd see their relationship as an adventure.

204. - I hadn't thought about it that way. - Look at how they walk!

205. The most important tool to a tribe's survival is here.

206. The cross, representing Christianity.

207. - That's an ax. - It's an ax?

208. Maybe it's the telescope.

209. You can look through it backwards. Shrink your enemies!

210. I'll show you the tool that's most important to our survival.

211. But fair warning...

212. It's my penis.

213. Oldwhiteman...

214. Sorry I'm late. I was in my car loving Britta.

215. - I guess I love you too much. - Not half as much as me.

216. Do you think marry her?

217. I'd like to see someone stop me.

218. I just peed a little.

219. Then here. Propose.

220. I got it!

221. Will you marry me?

222. Yeah, of course.

223. Perfect. I'll be right back.

224. Thank the Lord, you're getting married! I was so worried about your souls

225. ever since you had premarital sex on the table!

226. Awesome!

227. You told Shirley?

228. There's no need for secrecy now! It was during the paintball game.

229. Was there anything you didn't win that day?

230. You slept with her and then kissed me?

231. What?

232. Now they're in so deep

233. You know she's such a fool for him

234. She has a ring around her finger

235. And Abed hired an Irish singer

236. Britta's marryin' Britta's marryin'

237. Britta's marryin' Jeffrey Winger

238. - What the hell is this? - A wedding. Episode.

239. There's no wedding.

240. Cold feet? Talk it over with your best man George Clooney.

241. What's up?

242. He's a George Clooney impersonator, but razzle dazzle.

243. - Jeff made out with Annie. - What? When?

244. - Where? - Where?

245. I'm assuming in the mouth.

246. It was after the transfer dance.

247. So I tell you that I love you,

248. and then you go outside and stick your tongue into a teenager.

249. - What is wrong with you, Jeffrey? - Well, Shirley,

250. since you have clearly failed to grasp

251. the central insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour,

252. let me explain it to you.

253. Men are monsters who crave young flesh. The end!

254. At least we have the decency to be ashamed of it and keep it a secret

255. instead of publicly blurting I love you, to everyone who sleeps with us!

256. Please! I never loved you.

257. I win!

258. - In your face! - So this was all a game?

259. Everything they do is some sick competition.

260. Like you hate competition.

261. How long did it take you to kiss Jeff after I told him

262. that I loved him? That's right!

263. First Vaughn, now Jeff.

264. I better not smile at that wall outlet or you'll fry your tongue off!

265. Way to hog all the girls.

266. When there's three sprinkle donuts,

267. you don't eat one and then lick another!

268. Anyone object to us being referred to as donuts?

269. I'm sorry we can't all be as honorable as you, Troy,

270. and post Pierce quotes all day on twitter.

271. Is that your lame attempt to try and pass the hot seat to me?

272. - Nice try! - Wait!

273. I'm "Oldwhitemansays"?

274. No wonder he says everything I'm thinking.

275. You bastard.

276. I'm just sharing what you say.

277. Yeah? What if I shared all the stuff you say?

278. He thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls.

279. There's no way to disprove that. Have you ever seen a cat penis?

280. Where you going?

281. By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you...

282. Cancelled.

283. Good, yeah, Abed. Cancel us.

284. And while you're at it, take your cutesy,

285. "I can't tell life from TV" gimmick with you?

286. You know, it's very "season one".

287. I can tell life from TV, Jeff.

288. TV makes sense and has structure, logic, rules.

289. And likeable leading men.

290. In life, we have this.

291. We have you.

292. I'm on the clock for another hour if you want me to do some Batman lines.

293. Not sitting with your little group?

294. - The little group is done. - Yeah, well...

295. Mission-ary accomplished, right?

296. - What does that mean? - Come on.

297. I know you and Britta did it.

298. Isn't the reason you got together with those people

299. because you wanted to bang the blond?

300. And now I hear that you Frenched the brunette.

301. What more could you have gotten out of that group?

302. Good morning, class.

303. Let's dive in and hear the results of your assignment.

304. Who wants to go first?

305. I don't know, Mr. Winger. The last time I called on you,

306. I kinda got what the maku-maku call dirt roaded.

307. Using it!

308. I'm sorry about that.

309. It was a trick question.

310. The tool most important to humanity's survival

311. wasn't any of the nine in the box.

312. Go on.

313. The most important tool is respect.

314. Gaaaa-yyyy!

315. And the reason I know respect is a tool

316. is because it is clearly not a natural thing,

317. and we forget to use it all the time,

318. and then we start competing with each other.

319. And exploiting each other,

320. humiliating each other, controlling each other.

321. And we lose each other.

322. And without each other,

323. we'll go extinct.

324. That's a fact.

325. Gay fact.

326. That's my answer, professor.

327. Well, that's one answer.

328. Here's the one I had in mind.

329. Combining all nine tools,

330. you get this...

331. A deadlier weapon than any one item in the box.

332. So I'm gonna use this to attack you

333. and you use respect to defend yourself.

334. I respect you!

335. That's why you fail!

336. He's passing out!

337. Stay with us, buddy!

338. - Thank God. - Hello, Jeffrey.

339. What happened?

340. Professor Bauer got suspended and we got an automatic "A".

341. Did someone throw urine in my face?

342. Sometimes I surprise myself under pressure.

343. Jeff, about the assignment. We decided...

344. You're right.

345. I think we need a little more respect and a little less passion.

346. Which will be easy for me because I think you're kinda gross now.

347. Awesome.

348. I'm gonna delete that twitter account.

349. Your friendship is more important than 600,000 strangers.

350. Are you saying 600,000 people read what I say on twitter?

351. We gotta cash in on that!

352. How about "Oldwhitemansays, the TV show"?

353. - Who would watch that? - Speaking of bad development strategy,

354. I owe you an apology.

355. I tried so hard to make a great 1st week I didn't see there was something great.

356. An old woman drinking her own pee.

357. - You're right. - It's true.

358. I got a confession to make. I took anthropology

359. to be a part of your study group.

360. I gotta do the honest thing and just ask.

361. Is there any room in this pocket for a little spare Chang?

362. We've been through a lot today.

363. - Give us some time to think it over. - Totally, totally, man.

364. Just think about it, take your time, and let me know.

365. - Bye. - See ya.

366. Poor guy.

367. - We'll let him in eventually. - Says who?

368. Look, we have the strength to survive anything.

369. What's the worst that can happen with Chang?

370. That's true.

371. Good point.

372. I told you they hate you.

373. No. They said they just needed more time.

374. Time?

375. They destroyed your life!

376. How much time before we take revenge?

377. But they're my friends.

378. I'm your only friend!

379. - The class is - Mammalia

380. 'Cause boobies we gotta

381. Order is primate, family hominidae

382. - But genius is - Homo.

383. But you're into me

384. 'Cause I am in the species known as sapien

385. Dogs used to eat me, but now they bring the paper in

386. It's gonna take a lot to get me away from you

387. Damn damn

388. There's nothing that a hundred men

389. Or more could ever do

390. Sapien

391. I bless the rains down in Africa

392. Bless the rain

393. I bless the rains down in Africa

394. I bless the rains down in Africa