1. And we're back.
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2. Welcome students, new and old,
to another fall semester at Greendale.
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3. It's time for clean slates
and fresh starts.
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4. Celebrate your fresh start tonight
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5. at the Fresh-Start Dance
in the cafeteria.
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6. The same cafeteria where Britta Perry,
publicly professed her love to Jeff Winger
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7. who then walked out on her.
Unforgettable.
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8. Plus, free punch
and fresh start cookies
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9. tonight, at the Fresh-Start Dance.
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10. Look at us, living together,
driving to school together.
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11. I know, we're like Batman and Shaft.
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12. Batman actually had a guy.
His name was Robin.
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13. He rode around with him.
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14. Troy, Batman's friend
didn't have to be Robin,
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15. he could have been Shaft, Dolemite,
Leroy Brown.
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16. Don't let society limit your people.
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17. "Batman and Shaft", wow.
You're reading Troy's Twitter's page where
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18. - he posts everything Pierce says?
- Yeah, "Old white man says"? It's hilarious.
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19. Hey.
Hello, Annie.
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20. I like your hair.
Thank you, Abed.
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21. - You're welcome.
- Oh, Jeffrey. Hello.
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22. Hey! how was your summer?
I live with you.
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23. - How was your summer?
- Great. How are you doing?
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24. - Oh, okay.
- Hey.
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25. - It's good to be back here.
- I know.
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26. Okay.
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27. So... are you guys ready
for whatever Anthropology is?
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28. We should wait for Britta.
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29. Do we know she's coming back?
She never returned any of my calls or e-mails.
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30. Me neither.
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31. It's not gonna be the same
without her.
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32. Hey, did you guys see Toy Story 3?
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33. - Yes.
- Oh, I loved Toy Story 3.
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34. - It was amazing, I love...
- Hey!
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35. - Whoa!
- Oh!
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36. - Hey, Toy Story... Britta.
- How's it going?
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37. Okay, yeah, yeah. I made an ass
of myself and Jeff at that dance.
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38. I was caught up in a competition
with his turd of an ex-girlfriend,
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39. and I wish I could erase
the entire night.
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40. - And I owe you an apology.
- I accept.
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41. Oh, sweetie, you don't owe us anything
and you don't have to hide from us.
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42. You? I'm hiding from them.
It's like high school all over again.
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43. Psycho Britta,
the walking freak show
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44. for every Barbie
with a Cosmo subscription.
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45. Look, I don't mean to be a tool, but you
embarrassed me that night too, so call it karma.
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46. Wow, boy, I hope I'm not around
when you do mean to be a tool.
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47. Let's just put this behind us
and just walk to class, okay?
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48. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
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49. - You're Britta Perry?
- Yeah, what's it to you?
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50. You're the coolest.
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51. Right. Um...
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52. At what exactly?
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53. Being fearless, honest,
speaking from your heart.
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54. - "Jeff Winger, I love you".
- Right.
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55. - My heart may have overstated...
- Do you sign stuff?
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56. - Now and again.
- Awesome.
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57. I don't like where that's going.
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58. I know, right?
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59. Look...
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60. uhm, remember the little talk we had?
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61. The one about discretion?
Yes. Stop that.
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62. Look, uhm, we agreed you and I kissing
was a mistake.
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63. And, if anyone were to find out about it,
I would be tarred, feathered,
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64. and put on one of those websites
people check when buying a house.
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65. It's forgotten, Jeff.
Jeez, I'm not some love-struck teenybopper.
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66. But you should know, we didn't just kiss,
we technically frenched.
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67. I checked the make-out meter
in this month's issue of...
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68. National Review.
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69. I don't like where that's going.
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70. Community 2x01 - Anthropology 101
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71. Señor Chang. Oh, wait,
I guess it's not señor anymore.
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72. What should we call you?
Student Chang?
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73. Two-credits-into-
a-music-major Chang?
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74. Ok, how about not calling me anything?
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75. Why are you guys in this class?
We chose it together.
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76. The real question is,
why are you in it?
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77. - Oh, you missed us?
- Oh!
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78. Don't flatter yourself. Ok, have you
checked out the course description?
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79. Ancient weaponry? Genital mutilation?
This subject's talking my Chang-uage.
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80. Ugh.
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81. I don't get it.
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82. Well, Star-Burns has grown reliant
on his star-shaped sideburns,
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83. but still craves identity beyond them,
so he added a hat.
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84. No, what's up with Britta-mania?
Oh, that's even simpler.
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85. In the eyes of the public, Britta put herself out there
and you walked away,
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86. making her the underdog,
the GLT, the Aniston.
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87. - That's ridiculous.
- Yeah.
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88. Hey Jeff, do you have any hillbilly cousins?
I wish, why?
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89. What about a wealthy uncle, or and old drinking buddy,
that may or may not have had a sex change?
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90. Abed, why are you mining my life
for sitcom scenarios?
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91. I guess I'm just excited about the new year,
looking for ways to improve things.
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92. I'm hoping we can move away
from the soapy relationship-y stuff,
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93. and into bigger fast-paced,
self-contained escapades.
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94. What is it exactly that separates man
from animal?
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95. Divorce?
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96. Tools. Like this blowgun I used
to hunt monkeys
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97. with the Korubo in the Amazon.
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98. My name is Professor June Bauer,
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99. and this semester I will guide you
to the very threshold of your humanity,
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100. where you will lock eyes
with the shrieking, blood-drenched,
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101. sister-raping beasts
from which we sprang.
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102. You will also have to
make a diorama.
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103. For your first assignment,
I would like you to form tribes
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104. of no more than eight,
and if you can, mix up the races.
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105. Or you'll be surprised
at how quickly things get awkward.
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106. You know, now that Troy's off the streets
and living with me,
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107. he's learning so much about the world.
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108. Yeah. Tell me again
why Jewish people wear yarmulkes.
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109. Half a hat, saves money.
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110. Thank you.
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111. "Half a hat"? That is so offensive.
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112. I love Old White Man Says.
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113. Hey, find an eighth dork
for your tribe of dorks?
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114. Chang, I'm starting to think
you took Anthropology,
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115. because you wanna be in our group,
but are too proud to ask.
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116. What?
Keep dreaming, Winger.
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117. Would somebody with
too much pride... do this?
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118. Current balance: $23.20.
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119. Consider yourself Chang'd.
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120. Mac and cheese, please.
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121. Sorry, looks like your food
just walked out on you.
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122. Same way you did Britta.
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123. Hey, can we talk?
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124. Oh, now he wants to talk.
No, it's fine, I'll be right back.
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125. Man, you got some real passionate fans.
Eh. It'll blow over.
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126. Well, would you mind, uhm,
helping it blow over?
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127. My stock is kind of plummeting
around here.
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128. Oh, I don't mean to sound like a tool,
but maybe it's karma.
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129. Britta I know you're excited
to finally be popular with women,
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130. but don't get too high
on your own drama.
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131. High on my own drama?
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132. People's champion.
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133. Sorry, man,
I gotta go where the heat is.
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134. Jeff Winger, you're a jerk.
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135. She's turned every woman
on campus against me.
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136. Well, not every woman. Certainly not the one
that deserves to be with you.
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137. Annie, all women deserve to be with me,
and vice versa.
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138. Granted, but who doesn't eventually
settle down?
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139. I don't, and I never will. And if I did...
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140. If I did,
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141. I could beat Britta
at her own game.
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142. Oh, good.
Yeah, you better take a hike.
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143. Do you know
where the cleanest bathroom is?
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144. - Teacher's lounge.
- Thank you.
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145. Don't be shy, come on up,
have a sip.
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146. The yogi of India swear by
its restorative powers.
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147. Okay, more of my urine for me.
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148. Now, for your tribe's assignment.
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149. This box contains
nine different tools,
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150. all of them important
to humanity's survival.
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151. One of them,
is the most important of all.
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152. Your tribe's assignment for tomorrow
is to tell me which tool that is.
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153. Questions?
I have a question.
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154. But not for you.
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155. It's for Britta.
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156. Britta.
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157. I love you.
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158. Now I know this puts you
in an awkwardly powerful position,
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159. but I have to know, right now,
in front of everyone.
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160. Do you love me too?
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161. More than anything in the world.
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162. - Really?
- Yeah.
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163. - So it begins.
- Hmm.
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164. The greatest relationship
ever known.
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165. This is making me sick.
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166. - I'm gonna love you forever.
- Good, I'm gonna love you forever.
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167. - I don't believe you.
- Why, don't you want me to?
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168. No, I do. Bring it.
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169. Doesn't it make you wanna cry?
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170. Something like that. Excuse me.
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171. I downloaded a song
that makes me think of you.
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172. Let's listen to it,
each using one ear bud.
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173. Shirley, would you consider spinning off with me?
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174. Just riffing, but we could open
a hair salon together.
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175. I don't understand.
Is this you being meta?
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176. I wanted to come out of the gate having adventures,
like paintball. This is boring.
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177. Well, I think that's selfish, Abed.
If you were a friend to Jeff and Britta,
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178. you would see their relationship
as an adventure.
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179. I hadn't thought about it that way.
Oh! Look at how they walk.
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180. Clearly, the most important tool to a tribe's survival is here.
The cross, representing Christianity.
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181. It's an ax.
It's an ax?
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182. Maybe the telescope. Look through
it backwards. Shrink your enemies.
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183. I'll show you the tool that's
most important to our survival,
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184. but fair warning, it's my penis.
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185. Old White Man.
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186. Sorry I'm late.
I was in my car loving Britta.
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187. - I guess I just love you too much.
- Not half as much as me.
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188. - Aww.
- Jeff, do you think you'll marry Britta?
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189. - I'd like to see someone stop me.
- I just peed a little.
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190. - Then here, propose.
- Oh.
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191. I got it, I got it, got it.
Jeff Winger, will you marry me?
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192. Yeah, of course.
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193. No problem.
Perfect, I'll be right back.
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194. Thank the Lord, you're getting married.
I was so worried about your souls,
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195. ever since you had pre-marital sex
on the table.
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196. Oh!
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197. Awesome.
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198. - You told Shirley?
- Well, there's no need for secrecy now.
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199. It was during the paintball game.
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200. Was there anything
you didn't win that day?
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201. Oh, my God!
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202. You slept with her
and then kissed me?
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203. What?
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204. - What the hell is this?
- A wedding, episode.
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205. - Abed, there's no wedding.
- Cold feet?
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206. Talk it over with your best man,
George Clooney.
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207. - What's up?
- He's a George Clooney impersonator,
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208. - but still razzle-dazzle, right?
- Abed?
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209. Hmm?
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210. - Jeff made out with Annie.
- What?
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211. - When? Where?
- Yeah, where?
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212. That's inappropriate.
I'm assuming on the mouth.
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213. - It was after the Transfer Dance.
- Oh!
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214. So I tell you that I love you, and then you go
outside and stick your tongue into a teenager?
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215. What is wrong with you, Jeffrey?
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216. Well Shirley, since you have clearly failed
to grasp the central insipid metaphor
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217. of those Twilight books you devour,
let me explain it to you.
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218. Men are monsters
who crave young flesh. The end.
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219. At least we have the decency
to be ashamed of it and keep it a secret,
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220. instead of publicly blurting I love you
to everyone who sleeps with us.
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221. Oh, please, I never loved you.
Ah-ha!
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222. I win, I win, I win. In your face.
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223. So this was all a game?
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224. Everything they do
is some sick competition.
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225. Oh... like you hate competition.
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226. How long did it take you to kiss Jeff
after I told him I loved him?
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227. Oh, that's right.
First Vaughn, now Jeff.
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228. I better not smile at that wall outlet
or you'll fry your tongue off!
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229. Way to hog all the girls, Jeff.
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230. You know, when there's three sprinkle doughnuts,
you don't eat one and then lick another.
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231. Anyone object to us
being referred to as doughnuts? No one?
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232. I'm sorry we can't all be
as honorable as you Troy.
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233. And post Pierce quotes
all day on Twitter.
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234. Wow, is that your lame attempt
to try and pass the hot seat to me?
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235. - Nice try.
- Wait, I'm Old White Man Says?
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236. No wonder he says
everything I'm thinking.
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237. You bastard.
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238. I'm just sharing what you say.
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239. Yeah, well, what if I shared
all the stuff you say?
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240. He thinks all dogs are boys
and all cats are girls.
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241. There's no way to disprove that.
Have you ever seen a cat penis?
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242. Where are you going?
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243. By the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you canceled.
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244. Oh, good. Yeah Abed, cancel us.
And while you're at it,
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245. why don't you take your cutesy
"I can't tell life from TV" gimmick with you?
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246. You know, it's very "season one".
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247. I can tell life from TV, Jeff.
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248. TV makes sense, it has structure,
logic, rules, and likable leading men.
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249. In life we have this.
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250. We have you.
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251. I'm on the clock for another hour if
you want me to do some Batman lines.
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252. - Not sitting with your little group?
- The group is done.
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253. Yeah, well,
missionary accomplished, right?
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254. What does that mean?
Come on, I know you and Britta did it.
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255. Isn't the whole reason
you got together with those people?
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256. Because you wanted to bang
the blond?
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257. Now I hear
that you Frenched the brunette.
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258. What more could you have gotten
out of that group?
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259. Good morning, class.
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260. Let's dive in and hear the results
of your assignment.
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261. Who wants to go first?
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262. I don't know, Mr. Winger,
the last time I called on you,
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263. I kind of got what the Maku-Maku
call "dirt-roaded."
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264. Using it.
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265. Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
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266. It was a trick question.
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267. The tool most important
to humanity's survival
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268. wasn't any of the nine in the box.
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269. Go on.
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270. The most important tool is respect.
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271. Ha! Gay.
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272. And the reason I know
respect is a tool,
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273. is because it is clearly
not a natural thing
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274. and we forget to use it all the time.
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275. And then we start competing with
each other, and exploiting each other,
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276. and humiliating each other,
and controlling each other.
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277. And we lose each other.
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278. And without each other,
we'll go extinct.
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279. And that's a fact.
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280. Heh. A gay fact.
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281. That's my answer, professor.
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282. Hmm.
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283. Well, that's one answer.
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284. Here's the one I had in mind.
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285. Combining all nine tools,
you get this,
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286. a deadlier weapon
than any one item in the box.
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287. So, I'm gonna use this to attack you,
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288. and you use respect
to defend yourself.
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289. Uh... Oh... Uh...
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290. - Oh, my God.
- Jeffrey.
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291. I respect you.
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292. That's why you fail.
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293. - Oh, my God.
- Jeffrey.
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294. He's passing out.
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295. Stay with us, buddy.
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296. - Hello.
- Oh, thank God.
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297. Hello Jeffrey.
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298. What happened?
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299. Professor Bauer got suspended,
and we got an automatic A on our assignment.
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300. Did someone throw urine in my face?
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301. Oh, sometimes I surprise myself under pressure.
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302. Jeff, about the assignment,
we decided you had the right answer.
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303. I think we need more respect
and a little less passion.
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304. Which will be easy for me,
because I think you're kinda gross now.
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305. Awesome.
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306. Pierce, I'm gonna delete
that Twitter account.
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307. Your friendship is more important
than 600,000 strangers.
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308. Wow, wow, wow. Are you saying 600,000
people read what I say on Twitter?
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309. Come on, we gotta cash in on that.
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310. How about Old White Man Says,
the TV Show?
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311. - No.
- Who would watch that?
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312. Speaking of bad development
strategy, I owe you all an apology.
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313. I was trying so hard
to make our first week a great one,
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314. that I didn't realize there was something great
in front of us the whole time.
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315. An old woman drinking her own pee.
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316. - You're Right.
- That's true.
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317. Guys?
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318. I got a confession to make.
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319. I took Anthropology because
I wanna be a part of your study group.
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320. Now I gotta do the honest thing
and just ask.
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321. Is there any room in this pocket
for a little spare Chang?
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322. Uh... look, we've been through a lot today.
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323. - Give us a little time to think it over.
- Totally, totally, man.
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324. Just think about it.
Take your time and let me know.
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325. - Bye.
- See you, Chang.
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326. Bye.
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327. Aww. Poor guy.
We'll let him in eventually.
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328. Says who?
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329. Look, we have the strength
to survive anything.
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330. What's the worst that can happen
with Chang?
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331. - Yeah, that's true.
- Yeah, Good point.
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332. I told you they hate you.
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333. No, they said
they just needed more time.
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334. Time? They destroyed your life.
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335. How much time
before we take revenge?
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336. But they're my friends.
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337. I'm your only friend.
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338. No.
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339. No.
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340. No!
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