Community 1x7

Directed by Justin Lin

Richard Erdman as Leonard • Dino Stamatopoulos as Star-Burns • Lauren Stamile as Professor Michelle Slater • Bunny Levine as Pierce's Mom • Bunny Levine as Pierce's Mom (voice) • Jim Rash as Dean Craig Pelton

Jeff sets his sights on an attractive professor, and Annie looks to boost her social standing by hosting a Day of the Dead party.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. As you know,

2. all faculty at Greendale are required to give extra credit

3. to students who organize academically-related events

4. during what would otherwise be known as our "free time".

5. No student in any department has ever exercised this option.

6. Until now.

7. Tonight in the library,

8. I will be hosting a día de los muertos party.

9. - Relax. - Día de los muertos,

10. or day of the dead,

11. is sometimes referred to as Mexican Halloween.

12. Which is quite offensive to people familiar

13. with "Mexican Halloween" as a sexual position.

14. At any rate, if you show up, you get extra credit.

15. Me, I don't even get paid.

16. See you tonight.

17. Most of you responded to my e-vite, but some of you remain "e-vasive",

18. - so... - Count me in.

19. This is my first college party. I got some tequila,

20. and I just rented Van Wilder 2: The Rise Of Taj,

21. and look.

22. - You took off your wedding ring. - My husband's been gone for 6 months,

23. so I think it's time for me to embrace being single.

24. Message received.

25. Still waiting to hear from Jeff and Pierce.

26. I thought I'd shout you a response from this pocket phone here.

27. - Access email. - You're not going to Annie's party?

28. I have a conflict. With the enjoyment of my life.

29. I cannot figure out the voice command part

30. of this thing. It's like I'm my mother.

31. Calling mother.

32. - What? - Speaking of enjoying life,

33. I don't wannabe at a dead horse here,

34. but are you sure you don't see anything non-platonic

35. - ever crystallizing between us? - Yep.

36. Good, cause one of my professors is really hot,

37. - I wanted to give you right of refusal. - Hello, Pierce?

38. - Mom? - How's school going? Are you popular?

39. I'm headed through a tunnel right now.

40. - Wrong number. - Has that Jeff stopped teasing you?

41. How's your Canadian girlfriend?

42. I saw your father's ghost again. He's still angry.

43. The Bernoulli distribution is the number of successes

44. in a sequence of independent yes-no experiments.

45. For the quiz Monday, brush up on chapters three and four.

46. Bernoulli's one of my favorites.

47. Little-known fact, statistics were not his only love.

48. He's also famous for his French sauce used on meat and poultry.

49. - That's bearnaise. - Need to settle this at a restaurant.

50. It's cute. A little aggressive,

51. but as a confident woman of authority, I'm attracted to men who take charge.

52. - You sarcastic, or am I nailing it? - You were nailing it, until you asked.

53. Damn it. Starting over. You in the skirt, date me.

54. I'd like to, Mr. Winger. You're tall, you dress nice,

55. and I've graded you enough To know I'd never feel inadequate.

56. - Thank you. - Only problem, I don't date students.

57. If you agree to go out with me...

58. Awkward. How small is this campus?

59. Bastard.

60. - It's fine. I don't care. - It's disgusting the way men behave.

61. You ever see that Heigl poster where Butler had heart over his weiner?

62. - That resonated with me. - Fine.

63. But just to repeat, I don't care what Jeff does.

64. Bastard.

65. I'm barely a student. I'm older than you.

66. I drive a Lexus. Saw Ghost Busters in the theater.

67. My gums are receding.

68. It's uncanny how many of my buttons you're finding,

69. but I have a rule about this, I stick to it.

70. Have a cup of coffee with me. I can change your mind.

71. I know you can. That's why you ain't getting the chance.

72. - Are you coming to my party? - I'm definitely gonna try to swing by.

73. I can mark you down as definitely being there

74. from 7:00 sharp till Spanish question mark?

75. - Here's the... - No, here's the thing.

76. I am putting my foot down. You understand?

77. I am being assertive, and I am making eye contact,

78. and it is achieving results.

79. - Trying to get formidable with me? - It worked on Pierce.

80. Infomercials work on him.

81. You're the cool guy, okay?

82. If you show up, it'll be the first party I host

83. where everyone doesn't say they need to get home for the news.

84. This won't work. The last time you did this,

85. I saved a vial of your tears and have built up an immunity.

86. I was so unpopular in high school,

87. the crossing guard used to lure me into traffic.

88. This party is a second chance to be...

89. Hip.

90. Cool!

91. Laidback!

92. I will come.

93. Thank you.

94. I'm putting you down for two bags of ice and a sleeve of paper cups.

95. Taking a pill?

96. - Yes, I am. - Xenolovaden.

97. My grandpa took that too.

98. - Fantastic. - Helping him with his going problem.

99. By the time he got up in years, his memory wasn't great.

100. He'd mix pills. Know how olds are?

101. Heard stories about it.

102. One time he ran down the street with no pants on.

103. Which in the Gaza strip is considered a real party foul,

104. - so you should probably be careful... - I really don't need your advice,

105. I'm not your pantsless grandpa.

106. Pantsless grandpa.

107. - You look adorable. - Thank you.

108. I hate when women use Halloween as an excuse to dress up like sluts.

109. Okay, everyone.

110. I think we can begin.

111. I've got everyone's personalized cookie tombstones,

112. por tradición,

113. and in a few minutes, we gonna start the dance of the dead...

114. Don't have to keep doing that!

115. Party on.

116. It's nice of you to be here. You'd rather be with your hot professor.

117. Well, it's funny, I enrolled here as selfish loner,

118. but the group has given me a course in friendship.

119. - She blew you off, huh? - She's grading papers.

120. Professor Slater? She's not grading papers.

121. - She's at the party in the cafeteria. - It's the eavesdropping matador.

122. - Are you saying my people are sneaky? - What?

123. There's a storm building on the horizon, but you and I will save the night.

124. Chex mix, pretzels, baby carrots,

125. prredictable but appetizing.

126. Can I ask you something I wanted to ask Batman?

127. Am I good looking?

128. - You're a very attractive young man. - I knew it.

129. Let's get this party started!

130. Who are you?

131. I am the beastmaster.

132. From Beastmaster.

133. What rock have you been living under?

134. What are you going as? A gay douchebag?

135. - Just kidding. - Nice one.

136. I'm not much of a costume guy.

137. You're not much of a liking the ladies guy either, huh?

138. Body blow. Is that liquor?

139. - Here's your drinks, mates. - Thanks, Urkel.

140. - I'm Harry Potter. - Really?

141. What up, Urkel?

142. All right.

143. What are you taking?

144. You know, the usual cool stuff.

145. I've got 'ludes,

146. dreamers... Johnny boys.

147. Tell you what.

148. I'll trade you one of mine for two of yours.

149. - I don't know, Star-Burns. - I'm... sorry.

150. Thought I was dealing with the beastmaster.

151. Who said you weren't?

152. Saddle up, fruit pie.

153. I don't mind if I do. May I?

154. Here. Take this.

155. Give anyone that shows up their credit.

156. You going to the faculty party? Make me your plus one.

157. Give it up. Professor Slater doesn't date students.

158. Or married asians who drive mopeds.

159. Give you 20 bucks.

160. I'll bring the hog around.

161. It's time for the dance of the dead.

162. Everyone form a circle.

163. Lights.

164. Music.

165. Is it under genre or on a specific playlist?

166. What'd you slip me?

167. I keep grinding my teeth, and I want to kiss everybody.

168. What'd you slip me, man?

169. My heart stopped racing, and I can't pee.

170. Now for the first dance,

171. I'd like to invite a very special guest to the floor.

172. Jeff Winger?

173. Where's Jeff?

174. Jeff gone?

175. You know, I'm gonna go. I don't want to miss the news.

176. News!

177. He just stepped out. He's gonna be right back.

178. He's going to the faculty party.

179. To be with professor short skirt? We hate her.

180. No, it's not about her.

181. Can't believe he'd do this to Annie.

182. Absolutely. It's about Annie.

183. We should go find that bitch's car and snap off her antenna.

184. It's like high school all over again.

185. Everyone's leaving.

186. Not me.

187. I could do this all night.

188. - There you go, pretty lady. - What are you doing here?

189. Showing you my non-student side.

190. I have to admit, this outfit's doing it for me.

191. I may or may not have been deflowered by a junior rodeo champion.

192. - Reminding me of my first time too. - Lost your virginity to Robin Hood?

193. With an attractive woman at a party. We seem destined to repeat history.

194. I told you no students. It's unseemly.

195. I go out with you, you tell your friends...

196. What friends? I have no friends.

197. I hate everyone here but you.

198. - What you doing here? - You?

199. You should be over at the library with Annie...

200. - Thought you weren't a costume guy. - You had to have one here, Squirrel.

201. So where did you get it?

202. I wouldn't think any costume stores would be open this late.

203. - I dunno what you're getting at. - The words that you're looking for are

204. "I own a cowboy outfit".

205. And it is tight too. Did you buy it like that?

206. Your toy gun to my head, I'd say yes.

207. - Michelle Slater, Ph.D. - Britta Perry, GED.

208. A classmate of Jeff's?

209. When you say "classmate", sounds like we take naps together,

210. but what's great about community colleges

211. is that a lot of the students are just as mature as the teachers.

212. You must return to Annie's party. She's feeling unpopular.

213. Jeff, Pierce took something, and he is tripping balls.

214. He is touching people and dancing weird.

215. It's like Grumpy Old Men but not hilarious.

216. I'm at a grownup Halloween party, all right?

217. You're all being unseemly.

218. How are we unseemly?

219. Why is Urkel ripping the antenna off professor Slater's car?

220. That's right, professor slim calves.

221. This is what you get when you steal Jeff from a good woman!

222. Is he meowing?

223. Enough. I want you guys out of here.

224. I don't care about your high school soap opera.

225. Abed, you're not Batman.

226. Stop grinding on the women's studies department.

227. You are too old to be tripping.

228. I'm old?

229. What do you mean old?

230. Whose hands are these?

231. Help me!

232. Way to go.

233. I know I'm not Batman. You could try not being a jerk.

234. She's pretty hot.

235. - Where were we, little doggie? - Unseemly.

236. Crap.

237. This is professor Robin Hood's.

238. - What you doing? - Putting this hose in her desk,

239. - and you going to turn the water on. - Why?

240. To teach that long-neck

241. weave-having bank teller she can't steal another woman's man!

242. That's why.

243. I have a confession to make.

244. I think some of what I just said may have more to do with my situation.

245. The long-neck, weave-having bank teller didn't feel universal.

246. My ex-husband came by this morning,

247. and he asked for his ring back.

248. It was his mother's, he wants to give it to his new girlfriend.

249. Shirley, that sucks.

250. Best thing ever happened to me was him leaving.

251. I always thought he'd come crawling back,

252. and I'd get to tell him, "go to hell".

253. He couldn't even give me that.

254. - You know what the crazy thing is? - Everything you've done tonight?

255. It's like I was too proud to admit I was hurt,

256. so I had to pretend that you were.

257. I totally get that.

258. I feel better now.

259. Let's go check on Annie.

260. Can you believe I targeted this poor lady?

261. Look at all these awards. I bet she's nice.

262. Nice and pretentious.

263. Pierce, are you okay?

264. What's going on?

265. You have a full-on erection.

266. Just relax.

267. Just relax, okay?

268. You are too old to be tripping!

269. You are too old to be tripping.

270. Tell me about the Beatles, Pierce.

271. Tell me about Woodstock and Sputnik.

272. Do I feel a breeze here?

273. - Because someone just struck out. - She blew you off too, Chang.

274. Is that what you had to fall back on?

275. Look at me, bro. Look at me.

276. I've got the body of a fifth grader, okay?

277. If I was working with what you've got,

278. she'd be at the comfort inn right now giving me a Mexican Halloween.

279. It's this campus. It feeds on my coolness.

280. - I got no moves anymore. - Moves?

281. Everything's a game to guys like you.

282. I know one move I bet you've never tried in your life.

283. What is it?

284. Please sleep with me. Please.

285. Pretty please. I'm so lonely.

286. I haven't slept in a very long time, and you are so good looking.

287. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.

288. Stay three steps behind and promise you won't tell anybody.

289. I promise.

290. I promise.

291. Everybody, stay out of the library.

292. Pierce, it's okay.

293. Come out of there.

294. - No, I'm not ready to die! - You're not gonna die!

295. Just keep walking. Don't make eye contact.

296. He's freaking out. You're the only one who can help.

297. - What makes you think that? - Is Jeff out there?

298. - He's the only one who can help. - He says he's gonna kill himself,

299. but he doesn't want us to call 911,

300. cause he doesn't want to get in trouble for taking drugs.

301. I can't believe I'm doing this.

302. I think

303. I have to say goodnight.

304. Are you a court-appointed guardian for these people?

305. They're my classmates.

306. Goodnight, Jeff.

307. Loser!

308. What in the Pink Floyd?

309. I'm gonna crush myself to death

310. with desks and tables, Jeff!

311. Is that a death befitting a beastmaster?

312. I never saw Beastmaster. I just wanted to be cool.

313. I'm coming in there.

314. Those floating Mexican skeletons were right.

315. My life is over.

316. When we go to floating skeletons with our problems,

317. we get what we pay for, don't we?

318. I'm old, Jeff.

319. I dunno how you spent the first 60 years,

320. but I know in the last two months,

321. you've probably doubled the national average

322. for amount of life lived per lifetime.

323. Well, I do have a young, African-American friend.

324. And, more importantly,

325. you dressed like a gladiator in a fort that you built during a bad trip.

326. If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive,

327. you're a hero to everything that's ever lived.

328. Batman?

329. Are you staying for the party?

330. If I stay,

331. there can be no party.

332. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant.

333. Wherever a party needs to be saved,

334. I'm there.

335. Wherever there are masks, Wherever there's tomfoolery and joy,

336. I'm there.

337. But sometimes I'm not, cause I'm out in the night,

338. staying vigilant, watching,

339. lurking, running, jumping, hurtling,

340. sleeping...

341. No, I can't sleep. You sleep.

342. I'm awake.

343. I don't sleep. I don't blink.

344. Am I a bird?

345. I'm a bat.

346. I am Batman.

347. Or am I?

348. Yes, I am Batman.

349. Happy Halloween.

350. - I'm Batman. - You sound like Cookie Monster.

351. - I'm Batman. - That's Batman.

352. Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones.

353. - Yeah, it sure does. - At, like, a candy traffic school.

354. A little gingerbread man at the wheel, and he's drunk.

355. Look out. You'd be driving,

356. But you keep wanting to eat yourself.

357. - All day. - That's one of my biggest fears.

358. - What is? - If I ever woke up as a donut.

359. - You would eat yourself? - I wouldn't even question it.

360. That'd be tasty.

361. It's cool to know other people think about this stuff too.