Community 1x4

Directed by Anthony Russo

Eric Christian Olsen as Vaughn • Matt Jones as Stoner Friend • Erik Charles Nielsen as Garrett Lambert • John Oliver as Professor Ian Duncan • Dino Stamatopoulos as Star-Burns

As Annie recruits Abed and Troy for a psychology class experiment, Jeff and Shirley bond over their mutual fondness for gossip.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Before we wrap up, I would like to thank you

2. for filling out these anonymous evaluation cards.

3. I found your feedback to be largely constructive

4. and flattering, so gracias.

5. - Don't sign your name anymore. - Got it.

6. But there was one evaluation

7. that was so harsh

8. and hurtful and racist

9. that I took the time personally to analyze that handwriting

10. against past exams.

11. And this particular coward

12. dots her eyes

13. with tiny, itty-bitty, little circles.

14. Isn't that precious and cute?

15. Who's "erratic and unstable" now, princess gringa?

16. - Nice day out today, isn't it? - Shoot!

17. You forget something?

18. I forgot to stagger the timing of my exit with Shirley's.

19. We have a class across campus,

20. I can't go that kind of distance with "That's nice".

21. - That's mean. - That's not nice.

22. I find Shirley very easy to talk to, and besides,

23. aren't you supposed to have an olympic gold medal in jibber-jabber?

24. But I'm a sprinter.

25. I'm at my best during high-speed bursts of wit.

26. On a Shirley walk, I'd be winded by that stoner tree.

27. - Vaughn, how's it going? - No worries.

28. Interesting. I might be worried if I played hackysack a decade too late.

29. My class is that way.

30. But I just wanted to point out we easily walked more than 100 yards

31. with no awkward pauses, and that is the sign of a true friend.

32. I'm really glad you're not hitting on me anymore.

33. There's the awkward pause.

34. Excuse me. Sorry.

35. - Professor Duncan! - What?

36. Annie Edison. I'm in your 101 lecture.

37. - I heard about your special psych lab. - The Duncan principle.

38. I know it's limited to 2-year students, but I had a 4.0 at Riverside High,

39. I'm not looking down on this school,

40. I'm here cause of an addiction to pills

41. that I was told would help me focus,

42. they actually made me lose my scholarship and virginity.

43. Letting me take your lab early would be a feather in my transcript.

44. I've been in this situation many times, so I'm just going to be up front.

45. I'm not allowed to date students. Even though you're an eight.

46. Which is a British ten, so I'm angry.

47. But if you are still interested, then you may join the lab.

48. You need to bring two human subjects.

49. It would not hurt your chances one bit if you could lend me a fiver.

50. Seem I have left my purse in my duffle and my duffle in the boot of my lorry...

51. I asked politely, and then panda took his pants off.

52. I never even knew that's what asexual meant.

53. I wonder what this express package could be?

54. Somebody had to get something to me very fast.

55. You brought your mail to campus?

56. - My ear-noculars. - What is that?

57. - Looks like your bluetooth thingie. - No.

58. This is my cell phone headset.

59. And this is

60. ear-noculars.

61. It gives you sonic hearing.

62. - All hearing is sonic. - What?

63. So who wants to be in a psych experiment?

64. Annie is talking about some kind of experiment.

65. She's behind you. Not interested.

66. Please? You get paid.

67. They do stuff to your butt?

68. Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?

69. That's fine. I'm in.

70. - How about you? It's tomorrow. - Tomorrow?

71. They showing Indiana Jones at the vista. I bought a whip.

72. This is really important to me.

73. Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend?

74. Didn't realize we were.

75. Thought we were like Chandler and Phoebe who never really had stories together.

76. - Sure, I'll do it, Chandler. - Thank you.

77. - I go save Britta from that dude. - She looks like she's in trouble.

78. Hope he doesn't try to "handsome" her to death.

79. - Vaughn. - You in line?

80. We're just chillin'.

81. - You're not gonna order coffee? - I was just gonna see if Britta...

82. No judgment, bro. I used to do coffee.

83. Then I made the switch to green tea.

84. It's filled with these antioxidants and stuff.

85. - It's pretty tight. - Tight.

86. - I've heard that about green tea. - I like it.

87. - I should make the change. - Up top, sugar bear.

88. Give me some of that. Small coffee, please.

89. Britta's making the change to green tea.

90. Welcome, research assistants.

91. If you look at the monitor,

92. you'll see that our subjects are waiting for the experiment to begin, but...

93. it's actually happening right now.

94. You see, the waiting is the experiment. The Duncan principle is simple.

95. Namely, that the more control lost by... I'm gonna write this down too, actually.

96. That's a good point. The more control lost by the ego,

97. the more gained by the id,

98. resulting in a surprisingly predictable

99. emotional eruption

100. or breaking point, known to ma and pa

101. as a good old-fashioned tantrum.

102. Go and tell our subjects we gonna start the experiment in five minutes.

103. It's never actually going to start.

104. Let's do this.

105. What, a community college Spanish teacher can't use 80 bucks?

106. We're just running a little bit behind, so we'll start in about five minutes.

107. It's unacceptable, all right?

108. You lied to me!

109. When you say something starts at 9:00, it starts at nueve!

110. Houston, we have an idiot.

111. Did you know we walk the same way after class?

112. Sure you didn't or we would've been walking together,

113. unless you're a jerk. Just kidding.

114. Let's do it.

115. Don't go too fast for these dogs. Short legs.

116. - What's that? - Nothing.

117. So Pierce isn't exactly right in the head, is he?

118. I know a lot of men with radar dishes coming out of their ears.

119. He's like Inspector Gadget.

120. Go, go, Gadget incontinence.

121. How about the guy flirting with Britta?

122. I know! He's the worst! Vaughn?

123. - What is it with his hair? - It's perpetually moist.

124. We're three hours in, so let's review what we've seen.

125. And pay close attention to every subject's breaking point.

126. We've got

127. a shouter. That one's a stomper. Bye, hippie.

128. There's a generic whack job, bouncing up and down like a six-foot child.

129. Shaking. Write that down. Visible shakes.

130. Look at the little one chase the big one.

131. I gonna make him go quicker. It's like Benny Hill looks.

132. Get him. Come back again. Get him.

133. All right? There's a bit of fun. It lightens the mood.

134. And back to the present.

135. And then there were two.

136. Break.

137. What is going on in there?

138. Why...?

139. What is taking so long?

140. I've wasted all day

141. here for you.

142. The soul train awards were tonight.

143. You promised butt stuff!

144. And he's out. We got him.

145. Strike three.

146. - You're gone. - There's so much dust in here.

147. Do you know what? The longer they wait, the harder they break.

148. Buckle up, students.

149. Do you see how often hacky sack takes his shirt off?

150. He'd play shirts and skins in a game of checkers.

151. I'm so glad to be able to talk to someone about this.

152. I wanted to say something to Britta about it,

153. but we're supposed to be friends, she'd think I was jealous.

154. I don't see why you aren't together.

155. Two cute white people going to school together, seems right.

156. We're not pandas in a zoo.

157. That is not what I want to see.

158. There goes the shirt.

159. I'm fine.

160. Want me to... check you for grass stains?

161. I wasn't sure how or when to bring up that I was hanging out with Vaughn.

162. I figured you'd make fun of him... and me.

163. First of all, friends do not make fun of each other,

164. even if they're being tackled in the quad by a hippie,

165. and secondly, Vaughn

166. seems cool.

167. You should hang out sometime.

168. I gotta go.

169. That was tacky out there.

170. You won't ever see that again.

171. No worries.

172. Did you see señor Chang's socks today? Tiny bullfighters.

173. I can top that. Did you see that hacky sack wears an anklet?

174. Since when won't you talk about him?

175. I'm trying to be a good friend to Britta.

176. She thought I was gonna make fun of him, but I want to be unpredictable.

177. I'm gonna show her that I am not the jerk she thinks I am

178. and friend the hell out of that green-tea-drinking drum circler.

179. - Tell me you noticed his small nipples. - Not engaging.

180. It's not gossip when it's fact.

181. My kids have got hamsters with bigger nips.

182. Is it on pause?

183. That's just him.

184. Sorry you've been waiting 26 hours.

185. - Just another five minutes. - Okey-dokey.

186. Why won't he leave?

187. - What? - I'm sorry, but this guy's not moving.

188. I have classes to go to.

189. Go! Fine!

190. Go kill John Lennon again, you loser.

191. He's ruined my study!

192. He has warped the Duncan principle.

193. Damn you, you outlying piece of datum!

194. It's you! It's your fault!

195. - But you told me to bring subjects. - Subjects! Not rain man!

196. Should never have let you into this lab,

197. Miss Annie fanny panties in a bunch!

198. That's so hilarious!

199. Did you think of that last time you skipped a trip to the dentist?

200. Let me answer that question with another question.

201. It's not fair!

202. Why, why?

203. What are you doing? Stop writing!

204. Put your pen... Give me that! Get out!

205. You have destroyed the Duncan principle!

206. Go home!

207. Cool.

208. You did a lot of community service.

209. Ultimate frisbee at the senior's center. It is amazing.

210. And what makes frisbee ultimate?

211. If I had a nickel for every time I wished somebody asked me that.

212. - I'm gonna get dessert. Want anything? - Carrots.

213. I'm good.

214. - That's a cool shirt. - Thank you.

215. - Thank you very much. - Where's it from?

216. I don't even know. I guess it's...

217. - Look at that. "Hanes classic." - That's nice.

218. People underestimate the elderly,

219. but you see these guys out there and they're throwing the bee

220. and they're just loving life. It's just inspiring.

221. You know, I'm gonna really... I'm gonna think about it.

222. All right. I'm gonna go check on Britts.

223. - You are the devil. - I know.

224. Where do we go on Saturdays? You said Sunday.

225. I have a question for you.

226. You like Vaughn, right?

227. - He's very cute. - I'm just worried

228. he thinks a little bit more intensely about this thing than I am.

229. He says stuff, you know, after...

230. School?

231. - After... - Dinner mints?

232. - After... - Not having sex?

233. How was that?

234. What? Forget that.

235. The problem right now is that he's calling me "babe".

236. He's trying to hold my hand. It's getting a little relationship-y.

237. And he gave me something.

238. - Herpes? - No.

239. This.

240. - A poem? - How do I respond to that?

241. "Thank you"?

242. It's a very good question.

243. And it's one I will answer.

244. I'm getting a text. I'm gonna read it, if you don't mind.

245. I am reading it,

246. and it is read.

247. "Did you ever notice where the ocean meets the sky,

248. "did ya?

249. "It's the same wizard blue that I see in your eye,

250. "Brit-ta."

251. "Wizard blue"?

252. Thank you so much. You just brightened my day.

253. I'm so glad we can rip on that dude again.

254. Look at this.

255. That is the stain of a teardrop over the word "rad".

256. He said "rad"? I thought "bad."

257. That makes it worse.

258. - I'm surprised he can read. You know? - I know.

259. Sorry about bailing on the psych experiment.

260. That was the experiment, Troy.

261. We were testing to see how long people would wait in the room.

262. - Gotcha. - "Gotcha"?

263. - That's all you have to say? - You sat in a room

264. for 26 straight hours.

265. - Didn't that bother you? - I was livid.

266. - Why didn't you leave? - You asked me to stay. We're friends.

267. - Is this still part of the experiment? - More like a puppy with a fish mouth.

268. Right. It's more like this.

269. Laugh it up.

270. You want to know what they're doing?

271. Making fun of all of us.

272. I heard you with my own ear... noculars.

273. We are not making fun of you.

274. Calling me "hacky sack" and ripping...

275. my six pack abs and my moist hair.

276. And that face you made?

277. I think it's pretty obviously Annie.

278. Definitely part of the experiment.

279. We were not making fun of you.

280. We're making fun of Britta's boyfriend.

281. In that case.

282. But if we do something, let's do it as a team.

283. I'll get the ball rolling. Maybe he has a tiny penis.

284. - Who is he? - You all have got to see him.

285. Everything's all, "No worries."

286. And he always says hello three times in a row.

287. Hello, good evening, how are you? And... here, look!

288. He wrote a poem!

289. - Can I? - We shouldn't show that.

290. - It's fine. - So I'll be done in an hour.

291. - No worries. - He said it!

292. You've met Vaughn, right?

293. This troop's got a case of the giggles, huh?

294. Is that...?

295. Did you give them my poem?

296. Why is the dinosaur rocking a picture of my poem?

297. Read it.

298. You guys are laughing at me, aren't you?

299. This is the least tight thing that's ever happened to me.

300. I can't believe you.

301. Honestly, how dare you?

302. I can hear him outside. He's crying.

303. Now he's barking.

304. - Sorry I sold you out. - Britta is never gonna forgive me.

305. I can't believe I showed you that poem. My life is Degrassi High.

306. I have a gossip problem.

307. I stir the pot, Jeff. I'm a pot stirrer.

308. This isn't even my only study group. See those ladies?

309. I used to be in their group till they kicked me out.

310. They call me "Tattle-ina". It's a bumblebee nickname.

311. - It's cute, but it stings. - Look at the size of those earrings.

312. It's like little dogs should be jumping through them.

313. This is never going to work.

314. - This has to end. - Shirley, don't do this.

315. Look, we can still hang out.

316. It's just, you know, we won't bag on people.

317. What are we gonna talk about? My kids? Your doctor career?

318. - I was a lawyer. - See? I'm already bored.

319. - We'll always have "tiny nipples". - They were tiny.

320. I shouldn't do this, but one last gossip.

321. Britta told me she had a sex dream about you.

322. You still have a chance.

323. Details.

324. Abed, here.

325. I wanted to say sorry for yelling at you.

326. - Indiana Jones. - I just got the first three cause...

327. The fourth one blows.

328. We're cool.

329. - I do not want to talk to you. - No, I know, and I'm sorry.

330. I'm really sorry. I'm really, really sorry,

331. - I go talk to him if you want. - He broke up with me.

332. You broke my trust. You suck.

333. I know, and I'm sorry, but I was in a tough position.

334. I couldn't handle just being one of the girls.

335. What do you want to be?

336. Is there a spot on the friendship spectrum

337. between total stranger and having to hear about who you date?

338. Just a notch underneath driving you to the airport and paintin your kitchen?

339. How about the friend level where you sometimes have to cat-sit?

340. Done.

341. And if I'm occasionally naked in your dreams, I won't complain.

342. She's got a problem. She stirs the pot. She's a pot stirrer.

343. Sorry, dudes.

344. No worries, man.

345. Some worries, man.

346. Some worries.

347. Shirley would have said something funny about that guy.

348. And so I told him...

349. - Give me your ear-thing. - Got rid of it.

350. You see, Jeff, there are certain things man was not meant to hear.

351. We were designed

352. by whatever entity you choose,

353. to hear what's in this range,

354. and really, this range alone.

355. Because you know who's talking to us in this range?

356. The people we love.

357. He must have heard us call him Inspector Gadget.

358. I think it's time for burning man.

359. I'm Saddam Hussein.

360. Nice to meet you, dude.

361. I love reading and being a desperate housewife.

362. Hey, man, coming through.

363. I love da Desperate Housewives.

364. I'm Dr. Doogie seacrest.

365. I think I'm better than everyone else because I'm 40.

366. I'm not 40.

367. I can hear you through the window, morons.

368. Just pretend like you're asleep.