Community 1x21

Directed by Tristram Shapeero

Richard Erdman as Leonard • Dino Stamatopoulos as Star-Burns • Brian R. Norris as Travis • James Earl as Bouncer • Kelsey Gunn as Woman • Michael Cory Davis as Sexy Dreadlocks • Sara Van Horn as Lunch Lady • Jim Rash as Dean Craig Pelton

A scheme to replace a corrupt cafeteria employee transforms the study group into a criminal gang run by a power-hungry Abed.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I think I'm failing psychopharmacology.

2. Why are you taking that?

3. I thought it was a class about crazy farm animals.

4. Let's finish. I don't want to be late for lunch.

5. Amar is to love, right?

6. Speaking of love, Shirley,

7. how's it going with the sexy dreadlock guy?

8. I'm sure I don't have a chance with him.

9. Abed and I talked to him by the vending machines.

10. - He asked about you. - Specifically?

11. When Annie brought you up, he specifically asked, "who is that?"

12. That's what he said.

13. Your social skills aren't exactly streets ahead.

14. You know what I mean?

15. You're not alone.

16. Stop trying to coin the phrase, "streets ahead."

17. Trying?

18. Coined and minted.

19. Been there, coined that.

20. "Streets ahead" is verbal wildfire.

21. Does it just mean "cool," or is it supposed to be, like,

22. "miles ahead"?

23. If you ask, you're street's fine.

24. We can banter if we want,

25. but I'm warning you I am leaving for lunch early.

26. - Me too. - Me three.

27. Streets ahead.

28. You guys really love these stupid chicken fingers.

29. They're not stupid. They're the only good thing in the cafeteria.

30. I haven't had one in weeks. They run out fast.

31. If God were edible, not that I'm catholic, but if it was cool to eat God,

32. he'd be a chicken finger.

33. I wouldn't know. I'm a vegetarian.

34. Shocker.

35. If you knew how they treated the animals that you are eating,

36. you would eat them even faster

37. to put them out of their misery and then you would throw up.

38. Maybe I'm feeling extra protective of animals today

39. - cause my cat is sick. - That's awful.

40. He has diabetes. He can't make it to the litter box...

41. Chicken run!

42. I'm afraid that I'm gonna have to put her to sleep.

43. Go on.

44. God bless you. Save some for me!

45. Watch out!

46. - Feygnasse Team -

47. La Fabrique ::.

48. 1x21: Contemporary American Poultry

49. I can hear those fingers calling my name.

50. Did you get my text message?

51. I think it's...

52. I gotta stop hanging out with her. She sounds like a chicken finger.

53. Again?

54. Outrageous.

55. At least apologize.

56. How can you just stand there like a mute idiot?

57. Throat surgery might humanize you, but it doesn't make this acceptable.

58. So cute.

59. And I don't even normally like dreadlocks. Hello.

60. His dreadlocks remind me of the predator,

61. which is weird, because you're doing the actual hunting

62. and you seem invisible to him.

63. Abed, you know what I do?

64. Before I talk, I ask myself, "What am I about to say

65. and how might it affect each person listening?"

66. I'm glad you said that.

67. The idea that you compulsively filter yourself

68. makes your lack of flavor kind of a flavor.

69. Sorry, guys. They ran out again.

70. Something's gotta be done.

71. What the hell, man?

72. That's half our problem right there.

73. Star-burns works the fryer and skims fingers.

74. No way.

75. He gives them to people just so they'll act like he isn't Star-burns.

76. I may not eat meat, but I am not gonna eat that injustice.

77. Let's complain.

78. If we complain, he gets a warning and learns to be sneakier.

79. I say we knock him out of the kitchen and replace him with one of our own

80. all in one move.

81. - Then we're the ones with the chicken. - It's like a mafia movie.

82. As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a mafia movie.

83. That's exactly what it's like,

84. and you get the most important job.

85. - You're gonna be fry cook. - We watch different mafia movies.

86. You work in your dad's diner.

87. You'll apply for the job after we get Star-burns fired.

88. I don't know about the firing.

89. He really relies on that income.

90. - Yeah, man. - Every day you flock here like sheep

91. and wait in line for a broken promise from a dirty system.

92. Back in those days, Jeff was the guy that made things happen.

93. He always knew what to say and when to slap the table.

94. You want to be sheep, keep flocking.

95. You want to be wolves, form a pack.

96. And that was it. It was that simple.

97. At that moment, we stopped being a family

98. and started being a family... in italics.

99. - Britta got cozy with star-burns. - Can I touch both...

100. He lowered his guard...

101. he was gone.

102. The way Jeff saw it, by not respecting us,

103. Star-burns had basically brought it on himself.

104. When his job opened up, we did what we had to do

105. to keep the list of applicants to a minimum.

106. I worked in my dad's falafel restaurant,

107. - I had an impressive resume. - Very impressive.

108. Especially your reference.

109. Give 'em a call.

110. But we weren't taking any chances. The fix was in.

111. Trump tower, this is Donald.

112. He can deep-fry the hell out of chicken. I tell you that.

113. Troy even applied for the same job and gave the world's worst interview

114. just to make me look better and that was that.

115. This was the glorious time. No more racing to the cafeteria.

116. No more lines. To us, lines were for suckers,

117. hacks, sheep.

118. We were wolves.

119. And we had the chicken to prove it.

120. To victory.

121. It feels unfamiliar,

122. it tastes like chicken.

123. - Hello. - You guys are lucky.

124. - They're always running out. - Would you like one?

125. Name's Shirley. Memorize it.

126. I will, Shirley.

127. See that, ladies? The universe goes by supply and demand.

128. The more you take and use, the more it sends.

129. Someone take an extra. What's in that container?

130. Eight fingers.

131. Abed's study group.

132. - Why are you giving Chang chicken? - We have an agreement.

133. If you get caught, you get fired and we go back to eating like Britta.

134. We put you in that job.

135. I dressed like a crazy pharaoh for you.

136. You make the fingers, not the decisions.

137. - I'm sorry. - It's okay, buddy.

138. Just remember, these things have power.

139. So let me know next time you have any more agreements.

140. I agreed to give Cheng 8 fingers per lunch

141. in exchange for a 10% bump on every spanish test for each of us.

142. Abed makes the fingers and the decisions.

143. Abed, you're the best.

144. At Greendale, they were always out of chicken fingers,

145. so whoever could get them had power.

146. And I was the guy in the apron, so I came up with a system

147. and pretty soon half the chicken at Greendale was going out the side door.

148. Everybody in our crew had a job. T- bone was the bag man.

149. He'd move the fingers to a storeroom where 2 girls did the packaging.

150. We could trust them not to eat cause Britta was a vegetarian

151. and Shirley figured that if she stole, she'd go to hell.

152. They'd hand the stuff out the window to Annie, the leg man and distributor.

153. The crazy thing was it was their food.

154. We were stealing it and giving it back to them like it was a big favor.

155. Nobody asked any questions because Pierce's experience as a CEO

156. had taught him how to keep the wheels from squeaking.

157. - I had it worked out on a schedule. - I've never been fired...

158. The minute before you thought about busting us,

159. that was when you had a chicken in your hand.

160. Everyone had their hand out.

161. Everyone wanted what we had.

162. Jeff had the most important job of all. He was at the top.

163. He was the boss. He was our leader.

164. What the hell is going on?

165. A-V kids hooked it up.

166. Abed supplied the department with chicken fingers.

167. You think that's good, check out my posse and Troy's monkey.

168. Why you have a monkey?

169. It's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have 10 of them?

170. Guys,

171. look what Abed scored for me.

172. It has a million zippers and it was free.

173. Oh, robot.

174. I am a robot.

175. I am programmed to love this backpack.

176. This is insane.

177. More than programming them to replace auto workers?

178. What?

179. If you're not in this study group, please.

180. You, sexy dreadlocks,

181. Britta's hairdresser...

182. Pierce's hackneyed entourage.

183. Hackneyed?

184. - You see the turban guy? - Yes, in a '90s ski movie

185. that featured an entourage. Don't you think this is getting out of hand?

186. We're not gonna get caught. We have security on the take.

187. Abed's got it all figured out.

188. - That's a relief. - It's pretty cool being friends

189. with the biggest man on campus. Isn't that right, Annie's boobs?

190. Rename that thing! This time, not with a contest on Twitter.

191. It's his twitter account. He can do what he wants.

192. They are my body parts!

193. I do not consent to this!

194. You wouldn't threaten a monkey. They have more lactic acid than us.

195. Shared my chicken with him.

196. - You're the worst, Annie. - Streets ahead!

197. - Line starts behind you. - He's cool.

198. - Six fingers every wednesday. - Cool.

199. - What can you offer? - I have a bicycle

200. and I teach beginner's tennis.

201. Six fingers wednesdays.

202. All right.

203. - We'll be in touch, Janel. - Thank you.

204. You're welcome.

205. - Hey, Jeff. - Hey, buddy.

206. - It's quite a setup you got here. - I'm pretty excited about it.

207. It turns out everyone has needs and everyone has functions.

208. Look, I've been thinking

209. Maybe I need to hit the big red button

210. and bring an end to this operation.

211. It's been fun, but

212. - it's out of control now. Am I right? - I don't know.

213. The campus is controlled by our group,

214. our group is controlled by chicken, and the chicken is controlled by me.

215. - Float? - I'm good.

216. The mafia movie is over.

217. I'm not doing a mafia movie.

218. In fact, I don't need to use movies or TV shows to talk to people anymore.

219. Before, I only needed them because day-to-day world made no sense to me,

220. but now, everyone's speaking the same language. Chicken.

221. I understand people and they finally understand me.

222. Eventually people are gonna get tired of chicken. I'm tired of chicken.

223. You're not tired. You miss the taste of control.

224. That's crazy.

225. Is it?

226. The thing that drove you to this dorm room

227. is what would prevent you from properly running this machine

228. or even being a cog in it. Your ego.

229. I see. This has been about me the whole time.

230. You want a shot at the Jeff Winger throne?

231. You better bring a powerful ass.

232. And for your information, I don't have an ego.

233. My facebook photo is a landscape.

234. You're the best, Eduardo.

235. - Thank you for coming. - Can we make quick?

236. I need to give a banana to Annie's boobs.

237. Abed is drunk with chicken power.

238. He's gone from lovable Johnny Five to Evil Hal.

239. - Not Hal Holbrook. - What are you saying?

240. You have to stop working for him.

241. Let this operation dry up

242. - and let his wheels spin down. - At which point

243. you would be in charge again?

244. - What? - This is so sad.

245. You're jealous of Abed because he's providing for us.

246. No, I'm concerned about Abed because he won't listen to reason.

247. Won't listen to your reason.

248. Why should he? Jeff's so not...

249. Say "streets ahead" and die.

250. Streets ahead.

251. You want to boss me around? Get me an entourage.

252. Get Troy a monkey. That's what a real boss does.

253. We shouldn't even be talking to him without checking with Abed.

254. I'm already trying him. He's not picking up. What did you do?

255. I don't believe what greedy sellouts you people turned out to be.

256. I'm not gonna stand here and be ignored.

257. Voicemail. Hey, Abed. Jeff says you're not listening to him.

258. Does that mean we shouldn't listen to him either? Oh, also,

259. should we make special jackets for our crime family? Like,

260. blazers with chicken finger patches.

261. I don't know. Long message. Sorry.

262. That's it!

263. - I'm walking out this door now. - Okay.

264. - For real. - Good.

265. I'm not gonna look back.

266. - Good-bye. - Good-bye!

267. I got you fired.

268. You deserved it.

269. Maybe.

270. Maybe not.

271. The question is.

272. What do they deserve?

273. Key to the kitchen.

274. There's a valve

275. on the back of the chicken fryer that's not made anymore.

276. Now, say someone were to remove it.

277. The fryer wouldn't work...

278. - Forever. - How petty do you think I am?

279. Jeff leaving the family didn't turn out to be a problem.

280. I think we're set for the quiz.

281. - See you guys in class. - Wait. Before you go.

282. - Here. - Free notebooks.

283. But the family's success

284. - started to go to their heads. - They didn't have college ruled?

285. Sorry.

286. It's okay.

287. - Can I talk to you? - Sure.

288. We have a situation.

289. - Hey. - Who is this?

290. It's Travis. You said you wanted someone in your entourage named Travis.

291. Show him your license.

292. Travis is his middle name.

293. - I go by Travis. - No, you go by the door.

294. See you, Travis.

295. My monkey hates this caviar.

296. Troy, isn't that...

297. They were spoiled, fat,

298. lazy.

299. I'd given them everything and somehow I'd lost their respect.

300. So I did the only thing I could think of.

301. I did what I thought Jeff would do.

302. I sent them a message.

303. These were the bad times.

304. Abed killed my backpack.

305. And I caught him stuffing my man

306. full of chicken and Tyler Perry has amovies about why that's wrong.

307. That little Arab is off his rocker.

308. He released Annie's boobs.

309. He could be anywhere. He could be on the side of the road.

310. The monkey's name is "Annie's boobs."

311. Look what Abed did to my hair.

312. I feel terrible for all of you.

313. No, I don't,

314. because I warned you about all this,

315. but you were so high on your backpacks and hairstyles

316. you accused me of being jealous.

317. You were right. What can we do?

318. I'm sorry, you brushed over that first part.

319. Together

320. You were right.

321. Now what you can do is go home and write that on your bathroom mirror.

322. Wouldn't that make it seem like I was right?

323. It's not gonna be reversed because you're the one who...

324. As for Abed,

325. for his sake

326. I'll have to take him out.

327. Poor little guy.

328. What are you doing?

329. Making tater tots.

330. You were right, people got sick of chicken.

331. But I was close. I need a new food, a new system.

332. I'll experiment with jalapeño poppers next and zucchini zircles.

333. I don't get it.

334. It's easy. They replaced the "c" in circle with a "z" for zucchini.

335. No, I mean, why are you here?

336. You said you were close?

337. What were you close to?

338. To the group?

339. - To people? - Don't do a special episode about me.

340. I wouldn't dream of it.

341. Everyone else needs my help.

342. That's what people don't get, is that they need to get me.

343. I need to be able to connect to people like you, then I can make everyone happy

344. You know why I'm here?

345. You got caught with a fake bachelor's degree.

346. By the way, they started using that as a seasonal arc on Law & Order.

347. Total rip off.

348. I'm here to dismantle the fryer,

349. to cut your power off at its source.

350. Don't you see what happened?

351. I manipulated the group into getting you the fry cook job

352. so I could have some chicken.

353. And you turned it all into a way to make everyone like you.

354. Made me ashamed of myself.

355. Made me jealous.

356. Maybe this is a special episode.

357. It's pretty alarming behavior, Jeff.

358. - There's specialists you could talk to. - Yeah, maybe I should do that.

359. In the meantime... Let's make a deal.

360. I'll help you connect, and you help me do a better job with them.

361. - Like Knight Rider. - Exactly.

362. - Like Knight Rider. - Deal.

363. I'll put a leather jacket, make out with an aerobics instructor.

364. You pull around front and startle passersby with your ability to talk.

365. Maybe we should stay here and have a plate of chicken fingers.

366. Can we eat them like in Sixteen Candles?

367. Pick one reference, Abed.

368. Sixteen Candles.

369. And just like that, the mafia movie was over.

370. I quit the fry cook job, somewhat for the sake of the family,

371. but mostly for the sake of Jeff's ego.

372. Poor guy.

373. Things went back to normal.

374. Everyone's back to being a bunch of regular schnooks,

375. and I'm back to being a weirdo,

376. back to watching from the outside...

377. for now.

378. There's still not enough chicken fingers.

379. - No way. - What?

380. As soon as our family moved out, a new syndicate moved in to take its place.

381. But you know what they'll never make a replacement for?

382. Friends.

383. Thank you. That's great, Abed. But could you just

384. - answer the question? - What was it?

385. Do you know who might have stolen a box of hairnets from the kitchen?

386. Someone with hair.

387. I'm gonna write that down.

388. Ready?

389. - Never been done. - Here I come.

390. - It's good. - Double escalator.

391. I haven't see that before.

392. How did you think of that?

393. - And now for our signature trick. - Awesome elevator.

394. - I can't do it. - I got babies.

395. - I gotta get home. - It's their loss.

396. That was awesome.