Comedy Central Presents 5x9

1. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

2. ANNOUNCER>> FROM NEW YORK CITY,

3. TOM PAPA.

4. TOM>> THANK YOU.

5. THANK YOU.

6. GREAT!

7. YOU EXCITED FOR THE BIG SHOW?

8. YEAH.

9. I SEE YA LOOKING, LADIES,

10. BUT I'M SORRY, I'M MARRIED.

11. I KNOW, IT'S HARD FOR ME, TOO.

12. HAVING TO PARADE THIS MAN CANDY

13. AROUND IN FRONT OF ALL OF YOU.

14. KNOWING I CAN'T GIVE YOU A LICK.

15. BUT WE COULD STILL BE FRIENDS.

16. LOVE MY GIRL.

17. DO.

18. HAPPILY MARRIED.

19. FELL IN LOVE WITH HER THE MINUTE

20. I SAW HER PLACE.

21. A LOT OF PRESSURE THOUGH.

22. I WAS MARRIED ONCE BEFORE.

23. IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

24. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

25. I WAS YOUNG AND STUPID.

26. IT WAS AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE.

27. PUT TOGETHER BY DRUGS AND

28. ALCOHOL.

29. NEVER WORKS OUT.

30. I LIKE IT, THOUGH.

31. IT'S GOOD BEING MARRIED.

32. YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE A LONG TIME,

33. IT'S NICE.

34. YOU BREAK UP, IT'S HORRIBLE.

35. IT'S HURTFUL.

36. NOT BECAUSE OF THE EMOTIONS.

37. YOU CAN GET OVER THAT.

38. IT'S ALL THE SECRETS THEY TAKE

39. WITH THEM WHEN THEY GO.

40. VERY UNSETTLING AFTER A

41. BREAK UP, KNOWING THERE'S

42. SOMEBODY CIRCULATING FREELY

43. OUT THERE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE

44. THAT YOU LIKE TO BE SPANKED

45. WITH A NAKED G.I. JOE.

46. YEAH.

47. BUT I DON'T KNOW.

48. I DON'T KNOW.

49. WHAT'S NEXT?

50. KIDS?

51. EVERYONE WANTS US TO BREED.

52. I DON'T KNOW— NOT A BIG FAN

53. OF THE KIDS, FRANKLY.

54. YEAH.

55. I'VE GOT TONS OF NIECES

56. AND NEPHEWS.

57. I LOVE THEM, I DO.

58. SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT

59. HAVING MY OWN.

60. YOU KNOW, I BABYSIT THEM A LOT,

61. YOU KNOW?

62. AT THE END OF THE DAY,

63. I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE LOBSTERS

64. CHEWING ON MY BALLS.

65. THEY DON'T LISTEN.

66. THEY COME TO MY HOUSE.

67. THEY BREAK STUFF.

68. I KNOW, IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN

69. THEY'RE YOURS.

70. YEAH.

71. 'CAUSE THEN YOU CAN HIT THEM.

72. AS AN UNCLE, WHAT CAN YOU DO?

73. JUST TRIP THEM AS THEY GO BY.

74. WELL, THAT'S KARMA, BILLY,

75. YOU DO BAD THINGS, BAD THINGS

76. HAPPEN TO YOU.

77. YOU CAN'T TEASE THEM ANYMORE

78. NOW.

79. YOU CALL THEM A NERD,

80. THEY WANT TO GET ALL CRAZY.

81. COME ON, ISN'T THAT WHY YOU

82. GO TO SCHOOL?

83. RIGHT?

84. TO LEARN THAT PEOPLE ARE MEAN

85. AND NASTY, AND ARE GONNA MOCK

86. YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

87. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT WHEN YOU'RE

88. FOUR.

89. YOU'RE HOME, EVERYONE LOVES YOU.

90. MOM LOVES YOU.

91. DAD LOVES YOU.

92. THE CAT LOVES YOU.

93. THEN YOU GET TO SCHOOL—

94. THE KIDS COME RUNNING IN...

95. WHY DOES YOUR EYE DO THAT?

96. EWWW!

97. LOOK AT THIS GUY'S EYE.

98. HEY, GOOGLY EYE, AAHHH!

99. WE ALL CATCH IT.

100. WE ALL GO THROUGH THAT.

101. I DID IN THIRD GRADE,

102. I HAD THE SAME SIZED HEAD I HAVE

103. RIGHT NOW.

104. DON'T CLAP FOR THAT—

105. THAT'S A HORRIBLE THING I WENT

106. THROUGH!

107. IT SUCKS HAVING A BIG HEAD

108. BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING

109. ABOUT IT.

110. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

111. GO IN THE GYM?

112. JUMP ON THE HEAD MACHINE?

113. PUT ON A HAT.

114. PUT ON A HAT?

115. THAT'S LIKE PUTTING GLITTER

116. ON A PIMPLE.

117. I WAS FAT AS A KID, TOO.

118. THAT DIDN'T HELP AT ALL.

119. BIG, FAT KID.

120. MY MOM LOVED ME.

121. EVERYDAY FOR LUNCH, THREE SALAMI

122. SANDWICHES.

123. THREE.

124. YEAH.

125. THE OTHER KIDS DIDN'T LET THAT

126. SLIDE.

127. NO.

128. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALLED ME?

129. TOMMY SALAMI.

130. THAT'S NOT A NICKNAME FOR A

131. THIRD GRADER.

132. THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL A MAFIA

133. HIT MAN.

134. OR PORN STAR.

135. I WAS FAT.

136. MOST KIDS ARE SCARED OF MONSTERS

137. OR THE BOOGIE MAN.

138. NO.

139. YOU KNOW WHAT SCARED ME?

140. THAT ROPE IN GYM CLASS.

141. OH, I KNEW I COULDN'T HAUL

142. MY CHUBBY ASS UP THAT ROPE.

143. I USED TO HAVE NIGHTMARES.

144. I'D GET HALF WAY UP AND SLIDE

145. DOWN AND SMELL LIKE BACON.

146. AND WHEN WAS AT MY FATTEST,

147. MY DAD GETS THIS IDEA.

148. HE'S GOING TO PUT ME IN SPORTS.

149. YEAH.

150. FIGURING THAT'S A GOOD PLACE

151. TO LOSE MY SELF ESTEEM, I GUESS.

152. HE PUT ME IN TRACK.

153. WHAT A HORRIBLE SPORT THAT IS,

154. YOU KNOW?

155. I'M FAT, I HAVE A BIG HEAD

156. AND NOW I'M IN SHORTS IN PUBLIC.

157. NOW I'M AS GOOD AS THE GUY

158. WHO HITS THAT GUN.

159. I GOT TO START RUNNING LIKE A

160. JACKASS.

161. WHY?

162. TO BE FIRST?

163. I DON'T WANT TO BE FIRST.

164. I WANT TO BE HOME, EATING CHEESE

165. DOODLES.

166. THEN HE PUTS ME WRESTLING.

167. THAT'S A TREAT WHEN YOU'RE

168. TWELVE, FAT AND SQUISHY.

169. 'CAUSE THEY MAKE YOU THE

170. HEAVYWEIGHT AS SOON AS YOU GET

171. THERE.

172. THEY'RE LIKE, 105, 110,

173. LARD ASS, PERFECT.

174. THEY PUT ME IN A VAN.

175. AND THEY TOOK ME TO PASCATOWAY

176. NEW JERSEY TO WRESTLE THEIR

177. HEAVYWEIGHT.

178. YEAH.

179. I BET YOU'RE ANOTHER FAT KID?

180. TWELVE YEARS OLD, THIS KID HAD A

181. BEARD AND MUSTACHE.

182. HIS KIDS WERE WATCHING FROM

183. THE BLEACHERS.

184. IN TWO SECONDS FLAT,

185. I WAS ON MY BACK, HIS NUTS IN MY

186. FACE.

187. IT'S LIKE, GREAT, THANKS, DAD.

188. HORRIBLE.

189. MY NEPHEWS LOVE IT.

190. THEY PLAY THE BASEBALL.

191. LOVE THE BASEBALL.

192. I WOULD, TOO, NOW.

193. THERE'S NO OUTS WHEN YOU PLAY

194. BASEBALL NOW—

195. ARE YOU AWARE OF THAT?

196. NO OUTS.

197. SO EVERY KID GETS TO HIT

198. EVERY INNING.

199. THEY DON'T EVEN KEEP SCORE

200. SO NOBODY WINS OR LOSES

201. AND WE ALL GO HOME HAPPY.

202. WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT?

203. WE WERE TOLD WHAT WE WERE

204. GOOD AT.

205. I WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONAUT.

206. MY PARENTS CAME TO ME,

207. YOU CAN'T.

208. YOU'RE ALMOST RETARDED-

209. AND YOUR HEAD WON'T FIT

210. IN THE HELMET.

211. TOM>> I DON'T KNOW—

212. MAYBE I'LL HAVE KIDS—

213. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M COOL ANYMORE.

214. I'M NOT COOL AT THIS POINT,

215. IT'S OVER.

216. IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S GONNA CRAMP

217. MY STYLE AT THIS POINT.

218. WERE YOU EVER COOL, SIR?

219. NO?

220. SEE?

221. YOU'RE OKAY.

222. YOU WERE NEVER COOL—

223. NOW YOU CAN BE THE SAME GUY YOUR

224. WHOLE LIFE.

225. I WAS COOL, NOW I GOTTA BE

226. SOMETHING NEW.

227. I KNOW I'M OUT OF IT.

228. YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?

229. I STILL WATCH THE MTV.

230. LOVE THE MTV.

231. BUT IT BECOMES THE MONITOR FOR

232. HOW OUT OF IT YOU HAVE BECOME.

233. IT'S TRUE.

234. WHEN I WAS TWENTY, I'D WATCH

235. SPRING BREAK.

236. IT WAS NICE.

237. GIRLS IN THONG BIKINIS.

238. WEEEE.

239. GUYS POPPING BEERS, POURING THEM

240. ON HER ASS.

241. WEEEE.

242. WHEN I WAS TWENTY, I MIGHT GO.

243. GET A COUPLE FRIENDS,

244. I'D BE IN FLORIDA IN WHAT?

245. TWO, THREE DAYS.

246. NOW IF I SHOWED UP, MTV SECURITY

247. WOULD TAP ME ON THE SHOULDERS.

248. SIR, PUT YOUR SHIRT ON.

249. GO HOME TO YOUR WIFE.

250. THIS IS EMBARRASSING.

251. NO, YOU'RE NOT SLIM SHADY.

252. I NEED A VH1 SPRING BREAK,

253. YOU KNOW?

254. WE'RE GOING TO FLORIDA.

255. GET TO SOUTH CAROLINA,

256. JUST STOP.

257. GET OUT OF THE CAR, POP A BEER,

258. POUR IT ON MY OWN ASS.

259. HANG OUT, SING JOURNEY TUNES.

260. WHEW!

261. WHEW.

262. LET'S GO HOME.

263. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

264. AND I WANT TO GET HOME EARLY

265. ON SUNDAY.

266. I HATE GETTING HOME LATE

267. ON SUNDAY.

268. 'CAUSE THEN YOU GO TO WORK EARLY

269. ON MONDAY.

270. IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A

271. DAY OFF.

272. WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

273. LESS FRIENDS, TOO.

274. EVERY YEAR YOU'RE ALIVE,

275. LESS FRIENDS.

276. IT'S AMAZING.

277. ASK ANYBODY OVER 30.

278. IF THEY TELL YOU THEY HAVE MORE

279. THAN TEN FRIENDS, YOU KNOW

280. THEY'RE COUNTING CO-WORKERS.

281. ALL MY FRIENDS ALL SPLIT AS SOON

282. AS I GOT MARRIED—

283. LIKE RATS LEAVING A SINKING

284. SHIP.

285. FIRST, 'CAUSE WE GOT MARRIED,

286. AND THEN WE MOVED

287. TO CHELSEA HERE IN THE CITY.

288. TOM, YOU'RE LIVING IN THE GAY

289. AREA.

290. HOW ARE WE GOING TO VISIT YOU

291. IN THE GAY AREA?

292. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, THOUGH,

293. A GAY AREA.

294. WHAT ARE ALL THE SQUIRRELS

295. RUNNING AROUND IN FUSCHIA

296. JUMPSUITS IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD?

297. HERE'S MAIL FOR YOU, AND YOU,

298. AND YOU.

299. MAIL, MAIL, MAIL.

300. PROBABLY WON'T LIVE TO BE VERY

301. OLD, LIVING IN NEW YORK, THOUGH.

302. SCARY PLACE TO LIVE,

303. DON'T YOU AGREE?

304. NOT BECAUSE OF THE CRIME—

305. THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

306. IT'S THREAT OF THE TERRORIST

307. STUFF.

308. 'CAUSE EVERY TIME SOME WACKO

309. ROUND THE WORLD WANTS TO MAKE A

310. POINT, FOR SOME REASON THEY COME

311. TO MANHATTAN.

312. WITH PLANS TO BLOW STUFF UP.

313. AND THEY ALWAYS SAY THEY WANT TO

314. GET BACK AT AMERICANS BY BLOWING

315. UP THE SUBWAYS.

316. HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE SUBWAYS?

317. THERE'S HARDLY AN AMERICAN DOWN

318. THERE.

319. THERE'S GONNA BE ONE GUY

320. DOWN THERE WITH A BOMB—

321. IN THE NAME OF ALLAH,

322. I'M GOING TO...

323. MOTHER?

324. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

325. I ALMOST DIED RECENTLY.

326. LITTLE ADVICE— DO NOT GO ON

327. THE INTERNET AND TRY AND SAVE

328. MONEY ON YOUR FLIGHTS.

329. CHEAP FOR A REASON.

330. I GET THERE— THERE'S NOT EVEN

331. A NAME ON THE PLANE, IT'S JUST

332. A GUY IN GOGGLES, GOING,

333. "LET'S GO.

334. THIS WAY."

335. EVERY TIME, MECHANICAL PROBLEMS,

336. AND THEY'RE SO DUMB THAT THEY

337. TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT'S WRONG.

338. THEY'RE NOT THE BIG GUYS,

339. YOU KNOW, THEY'RE VERY

340. PROFESSIONAL—

341. THEY HAVE A PROBLEM,

342. THEY'RE DISCREET.

343. THEY HAVE PROBLEMS, UH—

344. EVERYBODY WE'RE EXPERIENCING

345. SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

346. JUST SIT TIGHT.

347. WE'RE GOING TO GET THIS PROBLEM

348. FIXED.

349. GET YOU TO YOUR DESTINATION

350. QUICKLY, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY,

351. AS SAFELY AS POSSIBLE.

352. I'M ON THIS PIECE OF CRAP

353. AIRLINE— WE'RE ON THE RUNWAY,

354. ABOUT TO TAKE OFF,

355. GOOD THING WE DIDN'T TAKE OFF.

356. THE LEFT ENGINE ISN'T WORKING

357. WE'RE GOING TO TRY TO GET FUEL

358. FROM THE RIGHT ENGINE TO THE

359. LEFT ENGINE.

360. SO, IF EVERYBODY COULD JUST LEAN

361. TO THE LEFT.

362. OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET

363. A MECHANIC OUT HERE TO TAKE A

364. LOOK AT THIS.

365. I'M THINKING A MECHANIC ON A

366. JET PLANE HAS GOT TO BE SERIOUS

367. BUSINESS, RIGHT?

368. A GUY IN A CLEAN JUMPSUIT,

369. MILITARY HAIR CUT, M.I.T.

370. DEGREES.

371. NOT A MECHANIC, MECHANIC.

372. NOT A GUY WHEN HE GETS THE CALL,

373. IS DOING BONG HITS IN HIS SHOP

374. FIVE MINUTES BEFORE.

375. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY SENT

376. OUT.

377. A WHITE GUY WITH DREAD LOCKS.

378. SO YOU KNOW HE MAKES A LOT OF

379. BAD DECISIONS.

380. THIS GUY'S ON THE PLANE FOR

381. 21/2 HOURS.

382. GOOD NEWS,

383. EVERYBODY.

384. THEY SAY WE'RE READY TO GO.

385. WHO'S THEY?

386. IS THE DREADLOCK GUY THEY?

387. THEY DON'T LOOK THAT BRIGHT.

388. ARE THEY COMING WITH US?

389. NO, THEY'RE GOING HOME BY CAR.

390. ONCE YOU'RE UP THERE—

391. EVERYBODY COMPLAINS ABOUT BABIES

392. CRYING.

393. BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY DO—

394. BABIES CRY.

395. THE KIDS THAT BOTHER ME ARE

396. THE ONES THAT CAN TALK.

397. BECAUSE THEY SAY OUT LOUD

398. ALL THE FEARS I'M TRYING

399. TO SUPPRESS.

400. ON THIS DEATH DEFYING FLIGHT

401. BACK HOME.

402. IT'S LIKE—

403. ALL RIGHT, LIFT OFF,

404. I HOPE THIS IS COOL.

405. KID POPS UP BEHIND ME—

406. "WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

407. WE'RE REALLY REALLY HIGH!

408. THAT MAN TALKS LIKE A LADY.

409. WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

410. TOM>> SCARIER THAN FLYING

411. FOR ME, THOUGH, IS STAYING IN

412. HOTELS.

413. THAT IS CREEPY BUSINESS,

414. ISN'T IT?

415. 'CAUSE OTHER PEOPLE HAVE BEEN

416. IN THOSE ROOMS BEFORE ME.

417. A LOT OF PEOPLE.

418. AND PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING.

419. WE ALL ARE.

420. I AM.

421. YOU ARE.

422. YOU DEFINITELY ARE.

423. NOT NOW.

424. WE LOOK NICE, WE'RE OUT,

425. WE'RE ALL DRESSED UP.

426. YOU PUT ON YOUR NICE...

427. T-SHIRT.

428. LOOK GOOD.

429. BUT WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS.

430. YOU LET YOUR HAIR DOWN.

431. IT GETS KIND OF NASTY.

432. I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.

433. AND NO PLACE DO YOU LET YOUR

434. HAIR DOWN MORE THAN WHEN YOU'RE

435. IN A HOTEL.

436. LET'S FACE IT.

437. YOU DO THINGS IN A HOTEL YOU

438. WOULD NEVER THINK ABOUT DOING

439. IN YOUR OWN HOME.

440. AS SOON AS THAT DOOR SHUTS,

441. PANTS COME OFF.

442. WHOOO!

443. DROP STUFF ON THE FLOOR.

444. I AIN'T PICKING THAT CRAP UP.

445. SIT ON THE END OF THE BED,

446. CLIP YOUR TOE NAILS.

447. BING, BING, BING, BING, BING!

448. HYPOCRITES, THOUGH.

449. I SEE ONE HAIR IN THAT SINK...

450. SECURITY.

451. YOU PUT ME IN A DIRTY ROOM.

452. PEOPLE ARE BAD NEWS.

453. YOU SEE THAT REPORT THEY DID ON

454. THE ABC?

455. THEY TOOK AN ULTRA VIOLET LIGHT

456. THROUGH HOTELS, NICE HOTELS.

457. SEE HOW CLEAN THEY WERE.

458. THEY FOUND SPERM EVERYWHERE.

459. EVERYWHERE.

460. ON THE REMOTE CONTROL.

461. ON THE CEILING.

462. YEAH.

463. WITH HOW MUCH I TRAVEL,

464. HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?

465. THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT'S

466. MINE.

467. CREEPY.

468. IT'S THE TRUTH.

469. MY ANNIVERSARY'S COMING UP,

470. WE'RE PLANNING A ROMANTIC

471. GETAWAY.

472. YEAH.

473. THAT'S EVEN WORSE.

474. EVER TRY THAT?

475. YOU GO TO A BED AND BREAKFAST?

476. OH, YEAH, THAT'S A COMFORTABLE

477. MORNING, ISN'T IT?

478. COMING DOWN AND SHARING COFFEE

479. WITH ALL THE STRANGERS THAT WERE

480. EAVESDROPPING ON YOU THE NIGHT

481. BEFORE?

482. "WELL, GOOD MORNING, COWBOY."

483. I'M GONNA EAT MY MUFFIN

484. IN MY ROOM.

485. I LIKE GOING TO PLACES THAT ARE

486. REALLY WARM RIGHT NOW.

487. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

488. WINTER—

489. THAT'S NICE.

490. I GET OFF THE PLANE,

491. I'M SO WHITE, THE LOCALS THINK

492. I'M AN ANGEL THEY GIVE ME

493. TRINKETS AND THEIR DAUGHTERS—

494. IT'S NICE.

495. I STILL TAKE A LOT OF PICTURES

496. WHEN I'M OUT THERE.

497. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY, 'CAUSE

498. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THEM AT ALL.

499. IT COULD BE THE MOST MEANINGFUL

500. EXPERIENCE TO YOU IN YOUR LIFE.

501. NOBODY GIVES A CRAP.

502. AND I UNDERSTAND WHY—

503. 'CAUSE WHEN YOU SHOW PEOPLE

504. PICTURES OF YOUR EXPERIENCE,

505. WHAT YOU'RE REALLY SAYING IS

506. "I'M BETTER THAN YOU.

507. NO, LOOK, THIS IS ME.

508. LOOK.

509. WHITE WATER RAFTING IN AUGUST.

510. LOOK AT THAT.

511. YEAH.

512. TWO WEEKS.

513. WHERE WERE YOU IN AUGUST?"

514. OH, WORKING, YEAH, YEAH.

515. OH, THAT'S WHEN THE TONER SPILT

516. ON YOUR SUIT?

517. OH, YEAH.

518. NOW, THAT'S ME, BETTER THAN YOU,

519. RIGHT THERE.

520. YEAH.

521. I GAVE MY DAD A DIGITAL CAMERA

522. FOR CHRISTMAS—

523. THAT'S A MISTAKE.

524. HE'S ONE OF THOSE GUYS THAT GETS

525. WACKY WHEN HE TAKES THE PHOTOS,

526. YOU KNOW?

527. HE CAN'T JUST SAY "CHEESE"

528. HE'S GOT TO GET SOMETHING CLEVER

529. IN THERE.

530. YOU KNOW, AT THE LAST MINUTE?

531. OKAY, GET IN, GET GRANDMA.

532. OKAY, ONE TWO THREE, SAY—

533. "DONKEY TURDS!"

534. YOU JUST GET BACK PICTURES OF

535. EVERYBODY LIKE...

536. NO ONE LIKES GETTING YOUR

537. PICTURE TAKEN.

538. IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.

539. IT'S AWKWARD.

540. DO YOU EVER HAVE THAT POSE THAT

541. YOU HIT THAT YOU THINK LOOKS

542. GOOD?

543. SO YOU TRY TO HIT THAT MARK

544. EVERY TIME SOMEONE SHOWS UP WITH

545. A CAMERA?

546. EVERY PICTURE OF ME BETWEEN

547. 13 AND 17 WERE LIKE THIS...

548. WHO'S TOMMY SALAMI NOW?

549. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

550. TOM>> WE GOTTA COME UP WITH

551. STUFF.

552. LOVE.

553. YOU GOTTA TRY AND WORK THAT.

554. I THINK THAT'S THE ANSWER.

555. YOU FIND SOMEONE YOU REALLY

556. LOVE.

557. IT'S NICE, RIGHT?

558. BUT YOU GOTTA WORK AT IT.

559. IT'S NOT AN EASY THING.

560. YOU GOTTA KEEP PRACTICING,

561. YOU KNOW?

562. WE ALL HAVE LIKE 12 SEXUAL

563. TRICKS IN OUR BAG.

564. AND YOU RUN OUT OF THOSE WHEN

565. YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE A LONG TIME.

566. IN THE BEGINNING, IT'S GREAT.

567. HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD

568. THAT—

569. WHEE!

570. LET'S DO IT DOWN HERE!

571. WHEE!

572. THEN YOU GOTTA START COMING UP

573. WITH NEW TRICKS, AND THAT GETS

574. EMBARRASSING.

575. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE MARRIED.

576. IF YOU'RE DATING AND YOU TRY

577. SOMETHING OUT SEXUALLY,

578. IT DOESN'T WORK—

579. YOU NEVER HAVE TO SEE EACH OTHER

580. AGAIN.

581. IF YOU'RE MARRIED,

582. THEY'LL REMIND YOU OF THAT FOR

583. THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

584. YOU BE LIKE, HEY, YOU WANNA GO

585. TRY IT DOWNSTAIRS TONIGHT?

586. THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE LIKE

587. THE TOOL BENCH INCIDENT, IS IT?

588. YEAH, IT WAS THAT BAD—

589. I HAVE A SCAR!

590. MY WIFE WANTS ME TO ROLE PLAY.

591. YOU EVER TRY THAT?

592. THE ROLE PLAY?

593. NO.

594. 'CAUSE IT'S STUPID.

595. I'M LIKE WHO DO YOU WANT ME

596. TO BE?

597. SHE SAYS, ANYBODY BUT YOU.

598. I'M WITH HER 24 HOURS A DAY.

599. HEY, I'M THE PLUMBER.

600. I DON'T WANT TO BE THE PLUMBER.

601. I WANT TO BE BATMAN.

602. SHE WANTS ME TO TALK DURING SEX.

603. I DON'T TALK.

604. WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY?

605. UMM... DONE.

606. WORDS ARE SO GOOFY, AREN'T THEY?

607. THEY'RE HORRIBLE—

608. VAGINA— TERRIBLE WORD.

609. RIGHT, LADIES?

610. YOU KNOW A MAN CAME UP

611. WITH THAT.

612. IF A WOMAN NAMED IT,

613. IT'D BE BEAUTIFUL AND POWERFUL

614. AT THE SAME TIME.

615. IT'D BE LIKE—

616. "EXCELSIOR."

617. YOU TAKE ME SHOPPING—

618. I'LL SHOW YOU "EXCELSIOR."

619. VAGINA?

620. THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU

621. CALL IN SICK WITH, DOESN'T IT?

622. I CAN'T COME TO WORK, DON.

623. WHY NOT?

624. BECAUSE I'VE GOT VAGINA!

625. IT'S ALL OVER MY FACE!

626. BEST ADVICE, THOUGH—

627. IF YOU HAVE LOVE AND WANT TO

628. HANG ON TO IT—

629. THE BEST ADVICE SOMEONE GAVE

630. ME— DON'T BREAK UP OVER LITTLE

631. STUFF.

632. LET ALL THE LITTLE STUFF SLIDE.

633. IT'S TRUE.

634. BREAK UP OVER LITTLE STUFF.

635. THINKING YOU'RE GONNA MEET

636. SOMEBODY NEW, THINKING IT'S

637. GONNA BE GREAT.

638. NO.

639. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FIND?

640. MORE CRAP.

641. WE'VE ALL GOT IT.

642. I'VE GOT IT.

643. MY WIFE'S GOT IT.

644. SHE'S GOT CATS.

645. TWO OF THEM.

646. LOVES THEM TO DEATH.

647. LOVES THESE CATS.

648. I DON'T LIKE CATS.

649. NEVER HAVE.

650. SHE LOVES THEM.

651. SO NOW WE'RE TOGETHER.

652. SO GUESS WHAT?

653. I LOVE THEM, TOO.

654. YEAH.

655. HOW LONG ARE THEY GOING TO LIVE,

656. ANYWAY?

657. TEN YEARS?

658. FIFTEEN YEARS?

659. BARRING AN "ACCIDENT" OR...

660. DOOR LEFT OPEN?

661. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT CAN HAPPEN.

662. I CAN'T HELP IT.

663. I LIKE DOGS.

664. THEY'RE EVERYTHING YOU WANNA BE

665. AS MEN.

666. NO PANTS ON.

667. HEY, HEY, HEY.

668. BRING YOUR GIRLFRIEND OVER,

669. WHAT DOES YOUR DOG DO?

670. A HEAD RIGHT IN HER CROTCH.

671. AH, I THINK I LOVE YOU.

672. CATS ARE FEMININE.

673. WE DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM.

674. THEY'RE MYSTERIOUS.

675. THEY'RE RREEER.

676. VERY SECRETIVE.

677. RRREEEER.

678. YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A CAT HAVE

679. SEX.

680. NOBODY HAS.

681. THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL HASN'T

682. CAUGHT THAT.

683. YOU HEAR IT.

684. LATE AT NIGHT YOU'RE TRYING

685. TO SLEEP.

686. AAAAHHH!

687. OOHH, YEAH!

688. WHO'S YOUR DOGGY!

689. AAAHHH!

690. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!

691. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

692. THANK YOU!

693. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

694. COMEDY CENTRAL.

695. CAPTIONED BY

696. REALTIME CAPTIONING

697. VAN NUYS, CALIFORNIA.