Comedy Central Presents 5x8

1. FROM NEW YORK CITY,

2. COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS...

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4. ALL RIGHT.

5. HEY!

6. HEH, HEH, HEH.

7. HOW Y'ALL FEEL?

8. THAT'S COOL, MAN.

9. I DON'T, I DON'T REALLY CARE, THOUGH.

10. FOR REAL, I DON'T, MAN.

11. IT'S JUST SOMETHIN' I SAY.

12. YOU KNOW, YOU JUST SAY THAT ALL THE TIME,

13. "HEY, HOW YOU FEEL?"

14. TOO SERIOUS.

15. YOU GO, "HEY, HOW YOU FEEL?"

16. "MY BACK—"

17. WHOA!

18. I DON'T REALLY CARE, MAN.

19. YOU COULD DIE RIGHT NOW, IT WOULDN'T MATTER.

20. BUT THIS IS NICE, I LIKE THIS.

21. I GUESS THAT'S MY HOUSE.

22. WELL, WELCOME TO MY PLACE, Y'ALL.

23. THIS IS BULL.

24. I DON'T LIVE THERE, MAN, BUT IT'S NICE, I LIKE IT.

25. HMM... I USUALLY START OUT MY SHOW,

26. I ALWAYS GO, "HEY, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE!"

27. NAH, IT AIN'T THAT GOOD.

28. IT'S OKAY FOR Y'ALL 'CAUSE YOU AT A SHOW, YOU KNOW?

29. I'M AT WORK.

30. I MEAN, HOW MANY PEOPLE SHOW UP ON THE JOB AND GO,

31. "HEY! IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE."

32. WOULD SAY SOMETHIN' LIKE,

33. "LOOK, JUST GRAB THE TRASH CAN AND GET ON THE TRUCK."

34. "YOU NOT IN SHOW BUSINESS, MAN."

35. TO MENTION TRASH MEN,

36. 'CAUSE I JUST LIKE 'EM, MAN,

37. 'CAUSE THEY SEEM TO BE SUCH STRONG INDIVIDUALS.

38. THE CANS,

39. BUT, THEY RIDE ON THE BACK OF THAT TRUCK.

40. THEM TRUCKS STINK.

41. AND IT IT'S LIKE, "EW, WHAT THE... ?

42. EWWW!"

43. BUT THE MAN IS RIDIN' ON THE BACK

44. LIKE HE DON'T SMELL NOTHIN'.

45. IT'S JUST—

46. IN THE CAR

47. HE'LL LOOK OVER THERE AND SAY, "HEY."

48. AND TALK TO HIS STANKIN' ASS.

49. IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

50. SEE THAT'S MY PET PEEVE, MAN,

51. BAD SMELLS, I CAN'T HANDLE BAD—

52. BAD SMELLS,

53. LIKE, YOU KNOW, FARTIN'.

54. IT'S THAT BAD BREATH THING I CAN'T HANDLE.

55. I DON'T MEAN REGULAR BAD BREATH,

56. LIKE ONIONS OR BEER, I'M TALKIN' ABOUT

57. THAT H-H-H-HEAAAVY STUFF.

58. FROM WAY DOWN THERE.

59. 'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS GOT SECRETS,

60. DON'T THEY?

61. "HEY, LEMME TELL YOU SOMTHIN'"

62. MM-MM!

63. AH, AH, AH!

64. I CAN'T HANDLE NONE OF YOUR SECRETS, MAN.

65. MY EYE'S WATERIN'.

66. I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LAUGHING.

67. TO BE SERIOUS,

68. BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO, YOU KNOW, B-S Y'ALL TONIGHT.

69. I WANTED IT TO BE, YOU KNOW, SERIOUS.

70. ON THE LEVEL,

71. 'CAUSE PEOPLE, PEOPLE B-S YOU ALL YOUR LIFE.

72. LIKE, FROM LITTLE-KID STATUS ON UP.

73. I KNOW 'CAUSE I WAS BABY-SITTING A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.

74. OK, I WASN'T BABY-SITTING,

75. WITH THIS WOMAN,

76. SHE WAS BABY-SITTING.

77. MADE ME HER ASSISTANT.

78. AND YOU KNOW, OF COURSE YOU

79. AND WE TRIED EVERYTHING.

80. IN THEIR FACES,

81. I GAVE THEM HENNESSEY, NOTHIN' WORKED.

82. STILL JUMPIN' AROUND.

83. THE BACK WITH A STORY BOOK,

84. AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, READ US A STORY."

85. "LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD".

86. ABOUT THAT STORY.

87. YOU EVER?

88. A HORRIFYING STORY.

89. IT IS!

90. AND IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE, A KID'S STORY.

91. AND YOU, THINK ABOUT THE STORY.

92. AND YOU KNOW, AT FIRST THERE'S THIS GIRL, IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

93. RED RIDING HOOD, SHE'S LIKE A TRICK

94. 'CAUSE SHE WEARS, LIKE, LITTLE HOT PANTS AND STUFF,

95. YOU KNOW,

96. OR SOMETHING.

97. AND YOU REMEMBER, SHE'S LIKE,

98. AND STUFF, SHE TEASIN' ALL THE WOODSMEN...

99. "HI, WOODSMEN!"

100. AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT'S UP, BITCH?"

101. AND SHE'S SKIPPIN' THROUGH THE WOODS,

102. REMEMBER,

103. TO HER GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE, YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED,

104. AND HE ATE HER GRANDMOTHER.

105. THAT IS TERRIBLE, HE ATE HER GRANDMOTHER.

106. MOST PEOPLE SAY, "MY GRANDMOTHER PASSED."

107. WHAT HAPPENED, MAN? HEART ATTACK?

108. STROKE?

109. "NAH, MAN, THE WOLF ATE HER."

110. WHAT?

111. HOW DID HE GET IN THE BUILDING?

112. "I DON'T KNOW WHO BUZZED HIM IN!"

113. A LOT OF WOMEN DO.

114. AS A SELF-DEFENSE MECHANISM.

115. YOU KNOW, YOU GET IN THE ELEVATOR,

116. IT'S JUST YOU AND ONE WOMAN.

117. YOU GO, "HEY, HOW YOU DOIN' ?"

118. "WHO, ME?"

119. IN YOUR EYE.

120. AND SHE GOES, "OH, GRANDMAMA!

121. WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE!"

122. YOU KNOW THIS AIN'T YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

123. AND SHE KEPT ON, "HEY, GRAMMA,

124. WHAT BIG TEETH YOU HAVE!"

125. AND THE WOLF IS LIKE, "I'M TIRED OF PLAYIN' WITH YOU."

126. SO HE JUMPED UP, BUT HE COULDN'T

127. 'CAUSE HE HAD THE DRESS ON, AND SHE TOOK OFF.

128. "WHOO!"

129. THAT'S HER RUNNIN', "WOOOH!"

130. WALL TO GET OUT OF THE PLACE.

131. BUT REMEMBER, SHE'S A WHITE WOMAN IN A SCARY SITUATION.

132. SHE FELL.

133. THAT IS BAD TIMING, RED.

134. TWO MILES THROUGH THE WOODS,

135. IN THE LIVING ROOM.

136. ABOUT TO GET HER,

137. HE'S LIKE, "GRAAAAA!"

138. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO "OH!"

139. I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN, "GRAAAAA!"

140. OOOHHHH!

141. THERE YOU GO!

142. HE'S ABOUT TO GET HER

143. AND DA-DA-DA!

144. CUTS HIS HEAD OFF.

145. WITH A DRESS ON.

146. FELT AT THE FUNERAL.

147. HE'S LIKE, "MAN, ALL THIS TIME

148. WAS A TRANSVESTICLE.

149. WHO ATE MY BROTHERS.

150. THE FAIRY TALES, MAN.

151. SOME OF 'EM DON'T FIT, THOUGH.

152. YOU KNOW, LIKE THE THREE BEARS.

153. THAT'S NOT COOL BECAUSE, I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

154. IT WOULDN'T WORK WITH LIKE, YOU KNOW,

155. BESIDES GOLDILOCKS.

156. I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE, EITHER

157. 'CAUSE GOLDILOCKS, YOU KNOW,

158. THESE PEOPLE'S HOUSES.

159. I MEAN, SHE COMES INTO THE BEARS' HOUSE,

160. SHE WALKS INTO THE YARD, INTO THE HOUSE,

161. AND THEN SHE'S IN THE HOUSE, SHE'S EATING THEIR PORRIDGE.

162. SHE'S LIKE, "OOH!

163. THIS IS TOO HOT!"

164. BITCH, THIS AIN'T YOUR FOOD!

165. ANY CREDIT FOR IT.

166. YOU EVER HEAR THE PHRASE,

167. "WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?"

168. I THINK THAT IS SO GOOD, THERE'S 1,000 DIFFERENT ANSWERS

169. CROSSED THE ROAD.

170. NOW ME, PERSONALLY, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN

171. CROSSING THE ROAD AT ALL.

172. OBVIOUSLY, CHICKENS ARE PRETTY

173. 'CAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN A CHICKEN WHO'S BEEN HIT BY A CAR.

174. I MEAN, THEY GET HURT A LOT OF WAYS,

175. HIT BY A CAR.

176. I THINK AS A SOCIETY,

177. WITH THE ANIMALS WHO DON'T MAKE IT ACROSS THE ROAD.

178. CROSS THE ROAD?

179. HE NEVER MAKES IT.

180. SQUIRRELS HAVE, LIKE, A BIG SELF-CONFIDENCE PROBLEM.

181. YOU EVER SEE 'EM?

182. 'CAUSE THEY'RE QUICK ENOUGH, BUT THEY CAN'T HANG

183. WHEN THEY'RE LIKE, "WHOO! I CAN'T DO THIS!"

184. BAM! OH!

185. WHAT ABOUT THE RACCOON?

186. ALL THE TIME.

187. THE HIGHWAY,

188. THAT'S ALL YOU SEE IS A LITTLE HAT HERE,

189. A LITTLE HAT THERE.

190. DON'T GET IT

191. 'CAUSE THEY HAVE

192. LIKE THE SQUIRREL,

193. TOO MUCH SELF-CONFIDENCE.

194. 'CAUSE LOOK AT THE WAY THEY DRESS.

195. FOR THE FOREST.

196. BIG FUR JUMPSUIT, THE BLACK DRIVING GLOVES,

197. THE STRIPED TAIL, AND LITTLE SUNGLASSES.

198. COME ON, RACCOON,

199. TO PROVE, MAN?

200. AND I'M SURE ANOTHER ANIMAL GOES,

201. "HEY, RACCOON! LOOK OUT FOR THAT TRUCK!"

202. AND HE'S LIKE, "WHAT TRUCK, MOTHER?"

203. 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW THEY TALK, 'CAUSE THEY THINK THEY COOL.

204. BUT BY THEN IT'S TOO LATE.

205. RRRRUM, BAM!

206. THAT'S WHY EVERY TIME YOU DO SEE A DEAD RACCOON,

207. HE'S ALWAYS LOOKIN' BACK.

208. 'CAUSE HE WAS TALKING TO THAT ANIMAL IN THE WOODS.

209. THAT WAS, RIGHT?

210. THE CHICKEN.

211. I LIKE TO HAVE A PET, YOU KNOW,

212. BECAUSE I LIVE BY MYSELF.

213. AND I'M ON THE ROAD SOMETIMES TWO, THREE WEEKS AT A TIME,

214. YOU KNOW, AND IT'D

215. WHO'S HAPPY TO SEE ME,

216. YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY

217. LOOKING THROUGH MY.

218. 'CAUSE WOMEN SEEM TO WANT TO DO THAT ALL THE TIME.

219. THEY'LL LOOK THROUGH YOUR THINGS,

220. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

221. "DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE?"

222. I'M GONNA HAVE A BODY TO HIDE IF YOU KEEP IT UP.

223. WOULD BE LIKE, A MONKEY.

224. 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY WANTS A MONKEY.

225. YOU KNOW, FROM WHEN YOU WERE LIKE, A LITTLE KID

226. YOU'RE LIKE, AH, "I'D LIKE TO HAVE A MONKEY."

227. YOU KNOW, JUST THINK ABOUT HAVING A MONKEY.

228. THAT'D BE SO NICE.

229. YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO STAY THERE.

230. HE CAN FEED HIMSELF, OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR,

231. WORK THE BLENDER, HE CAN EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE.

232. HE CAN'T SAY NOTHIN', BUT HE COULD PICK IT UP,

233. AND YOU KNOW, A DOG SHOWS EXCITEMENT,

234. HE'S LIKE, "HM HM HM HM HM",

235. AND YOU KNOW HE'S HAPPY,

236. ACTUALLY SMILE AND STUFF.

237. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WALK IN THE DOOR AND YOU'RE LIKE,

238. MONKEY!

239. AND HE'S LIKE, "HA HA!"

240. YOU HUG EACH OTHER.

241. WE CAN WATCH TV TOGETHER, WATCH LIKE, DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

242. HE'D PROBABLY SIT THERE AND SAY, "HEY, I KNOW HIM!"

243. YOU DON'T KNOW HIM, MONKEY!

244. I'D TAKE HIM FOR WALKS, TOO, YOU KNOW.

245. BUT NO LEASH FOR MY MONKEY.

246. AS A MATTER OF FACT, IF I HAD A MONKEY,

247. I'D DRESS HIM JUST LIKE ME.

248. WE'D HANG OUT, I'D TAKE HIM TO NIGHTCLUBS AND STUFF.

249. I'D JUST SHAVE HIS MONKEY HAIR OFF,

250. LEATHER PANTS,

251. MUSCLE SHIRT.

252. AH, THAT'D BE NICE, TAKE HIM TO A CLUB.

253. BUT, YOU KNOW,

254. WHO HAPPEN TO BE LIKE, ASIAN OR LATINO,

255. BUT THAT'S THE TYPE OF CLUB WE'D PROBABLY HAVE TO GO TO,

256. YOU KNOW, WE GOT

257. WHERE EVERYBODY'S SHORT.

258. NO, 'CAUSE IF I TAKE HIM TO A REGULAR CLUB,

259. SOMEBODY'S GONNA CATCH ON.

260. SOMEBODY'S GONNA GO,

261. "HEY, THAT MIDGET LOOKS JUST LIKE A MONKEY.

262. SEEN HIM FLIP THREE TIMES."

263. WHO KNOWS, HE MAY GET LUCKY!

264. SITTIN' AT THE BAR, DRINKING HIS LITTLE BANANA DAIQUIRIS.

265. SOME DRUNK GIRL COMES UP, SHE'S LIKE,

266. "HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU?

267. "YOU DON'T TALK AS MUCH AS THOSE OTHER GUYS."

268. AND GO, "HA HA!"

269. 'CAUSE HE CAN'T TALK.

270. WHO KNOWS, THEY MAY EVEN GO HOME TOGETHER.

271. JUST IMAGINE THAT, THEY KISSIN',

272. AND MESSIN' AROUND.

273. OH, MY GOD.

274. YOU KNOW, SHE MAY TOUCH HIM.

275. YOU KNOW, JUST TOUCH HIM.

276. NOW, IF HE WAS A REGULAR MAN,

277. YOU GET HOT, YOU MIGHT THROW

278. AND GO, "YEAH!"

279. BUT HE'S A WILD ANIMAL HIS HOT MAY BE A LITTLE HOTTER.

280. LITTLE MONKEY WIENY'S...

281. "AAAAAHHHHH!"

282. POPS HER RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD.

283. AND SHE JUST FALLS BACK,

284. "OH! YOU LIKE IT ROUGH!"

285. WOMEN GET DISGUSTED, BUT JUST THINK ABOUT IT,

286. A REGULAR MAN COULD NEVER DO.

287. HE CAN DO

288. HIS FEET ON THE GROUND.

289. HE'S RIGHT THERE ON YOUR BACK,

290. "WAH! WAH! WAH!"

291. WITH HIS FOOT.

292. "HOW'D YOU DO THAT WITH YOUR HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS?"

293. "I'M A MONKEY!"

294. 'CAUSE YOU KNOW, A REGULAR MAN,

295. HIS DISMOUNT IS THIS, "UH."

296. BUT HE'S A MONKEY, SO HE'S GONNA DO A LITTLE FLIP,

297. "TA-DAH!"

298. "I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN!"

299. I THINK THAT'S THE END.

300. OKAY, I FEEL A LITTLE ASHAMED

301. I'M TELLING YOU GUYS,

302. BUT, IT'S ALL GOOD, MAN.

303. BACK HERE AT MY ROOM.

304. I GUESS THAT'S MY LIFE.

305. I'VE BEEN ALL OVER THE PLACE.

306. I WENT TO AFRICA LAST YEAR.

307. EVER BEEN TO AFRICA?

308. ALL RIGHT!

309. OKAY, I DIDN'T GO TO AFRICA.

310. I MEAN, I DIDN'T GO TO LIKE,

311. AFRICA AFRICA, LIKE YOU'RE THINKING.

312. BUT, I SMOKED A JOINT AND WATCHED THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL,

313. IT IS THE SAME THING.

314. IN THE JUNGLE.

315. ALL MY CLOTHES OFF.

316. ABOUT THE PYGMIES.

317. YOU KNOW THE PYGMIES, RIGHT?

318. THEY'RE LITTLE DUDES, THEY'RE NOT MIDGETS,

319. THEY'RE JUST LITTLE DUDES.

320. THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY, NO GUNS, NO SPEARS.

321. THEY JUST JUMPED HIM.

322. I MEAN, YOU LAUGH, BUT

323. JUST COME OUT,

324. "AH-AH!"

325. THAT'D SCARE ANYBODY.

326. THAT WENT, "PIK-OW, PIK-OW, PIK-OW, PIK-OW!"

327. YOU KNOW, THE ELEPHANT WAS GOING, "BRRRRRRR!"

328. "PIK-OW, PIK-OW!"

329. KILLING THE ELEPHANT.

330. BUT, YOU KNOW,

331. WHAT?

332. OH, YOU KNOW, I SAID "WE",

333. BECAUSE BY THAT TIME, I JUST STEPPED RIGHT INTO THE TV.

334. I WAS RIGHT THERE WITH THEM, BUTT-NECKED.

335. NOTHIN' ON BUT SANDALS BECAUSE I HAVE VERY SENSITIVE FEET.

336. ELEPHANT BACK TO THE VILLAGE.

337. WE GET BACK, THERE'S A BIG CELEBRATION.

338. YOU KNOW, BEFORE THE BIG FEAST, THERE'S A BIG CELEBRATION.

339. THEY HAVE A CEREMONY, LIKE 50 WOMEN LINED UP IN A CHORUS LINE,

340. AND THEY'RE SINGING THIS

341. THROUGH THE FOREST,

342. THEY'RE ALL LIKE,

343. HEY!

344. THESE ARE NOT HANDS.

345. AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, NOW THIS IS A PARTY RIGHT HERE!"

346. I JUST WENT DOWN THE LINE...

347. TO BE THERE.

348. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

349. FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

350. A LITTLE WHILE.

351. IN CENTRAL PARK.

352. THE STREET, A MILE.

353. NOW, YOU KNOW, THAT'S A VERY LONG WAY

354. BUT I CAN SEE

355. WHEN I'VE BEEN TAKING MY GLAUCOMA MEDICINE.

356. AND I SAID TO MYSELF, "THIS IS THE WOMAN FOR ME."

357. AND I JUST TOOK OFF RUNNING, "WHOOM!"

358. BECAUSE, REALLY, SHE WAS LIKE, ONLY A BLOCK AWAY.

359. BECAUSE SHE WAS KINDA SHORT.

360. NOT REGULAR SHORT, LIKE YOU KNOW, 4'11" OR 5'1".

361. SHE WAS A MIDGET.

362. TO KEEP RUNNING,

363. GOTTEN HER ATTENTION,

364. "HEY YOU IN THE RED DRESS."

365. A T-SHIRT.

366. BUT YOU ALL GO "OOH" AND "AAH",

367. BUT I DATED HER.

368. FOR QUITE A WHILE.

369. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THIS, BUT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY,

370. THERE ARE SO MANY LIKE, LITTLE PRIVATE CLUBS WE WOULD GO TO,

371. I MEAN, WE WOULD GO

372. LIKE FOUR NIGHTS A WEEK.

373. MIDGET PARTIES, MIDGET PARTIES.

374. OKAY, WAIT.

375. THEY WEREN'T CALLED MIDGET PARTIES.

376. 'CAUSE THAT'S LIKE, NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.

377. BUT COME ON, IF YOU'RE

378. AND THERE'S LIKE 200 MIDGETS THERE,

379. IN YOUR MIND, IT'S A MIDGET PARTY.

380. BUT, SO AS I DON'T OFFEND ANYBODY,

381. WE'RE GOING TO CALL IT A "LITTLE GET TOGETHER".

382. THAT'S THE END AGAIN.

383. AND MOST COMEDIANS, THEY END THEIR SHOW LIKE,

384. YOU EVER NOTICE COMEDIANS,

385. WITH LIKE A BIG LAUGH, A BIG JOKE AT THE END,

386. WITH A BIG LAUGH.

387. BUT I FIGURE, WHY DO THAT?

388. I HAVEN'T DONE IT THE WHOLE SHOW,

389. SO WHY START NOW?

390. YOU KNOW, BUT ME, THEY TOLD ME,

391. AT THE END 'CAUSE IT'S JUST TOO MUCH,

392. THEY CAN'T ORDER IN THE THEATER,

393. 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE PEOPLE ARE WHISTLIN',

394. YOU KNOW, WOMEN THROWIN' PANTIES AND STUFF.

395. TONY!

396. SO USUALLY, USUALLY WHEN I'M LEAVING,

397. I JUST, I JUST USUALLY SAY, YOU KNOW, "GOD BLESS Y'ALL,

398. "AND THANK Y'ALL FOR LAUGHING.

399. TONY WOODS"

400. I WOULD JUST WALK THAT WAY.

401. WATCH.

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