Comedy Central Presents 5x8

1. FROM NEW YORK CITY,

2. COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS...

3. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL

4. ALL RIGHT.

5. HEY!

6. HEH, HEH, HEH.

7. HOW Y'ALL FEEL?

8. THAT'S COOL, MAN.

9. I DON'T, I DON'T REALLY CARE, THOUGH.

10. FOR REAL, I DON'T, MAN.

11. IT'S JUST SOMETHIN' I SAY.

12. YOU KNOW, YOU JUST SAY THAT ALL THE TIME,

13. "HEY, HOW YOU FEEL?"

14. SOME PEOPLE TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS.

15. YOU GO, "HEY, HOW YOU FEEL?"

16. "MY BACK—"

17. WHOA!

18. I DON'T REALLY CARE, MAN.

19. YOU COULD DIE RIGHT NOW, IT WOULDN'T MATTER.

20. BUT THIS IS NICE, I LIKE THIS.

21. THIS— I GUESS THAT'S MY HOUSE.

22. WELL, WELCOME TO MY PLACE, Y'ALL.

23. THIS IS BULL (beep).

24. I DON'T LIVE THERE, MAN, BUT IT'S NICE, I LIKE IT.

25. HMM... I USUALLY START OUT MY SHOW,

26. I ALWAYS GO, "HEY, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE!"

27. NAH, IT AIN'T THAT GOOD.

28. IT'S OKAY FOR Y'ALL 'CAUSE YOU AT A SHOW, YOU KNOW?

29. I'M AT WORK.

30. I MEAN, HOW MANY PEOPLE SHOW UP ON THE JOB AND GO,

31. "HEY! IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE."

32. I KNOW YOUR CO-WORKERS WOULD SAY SOMETHIN' LIKE,

33. "LOOK, JUST GRAB THE TRASH CAN AND GET ON THE TRUCK."

34. "YOU NOT IN SHOW BUSINESS, MAN."

35. I WANTED TO MENTION TRASH MEN,

36. 'CAUSE I JUST LIKE 'EM, MAN,

37. 'CAUSE THEY SEEM TO BE SUCH STRONG INDIVIDUALS.

38. NOT BECAUSE THEY PICK UP THE CANS,

39. BUT, THEY RIDE ON THE BACK OF THAT TRUCK.

40. THEM TRUCKS STINK.

41. YOU EVER RIDE UP BESIDE A TRASH TRUCK IN THE SUMMER

42. AND IT IT'S LIKE, "EW, WHAT THE... ?

43. EWWW!"

44. BUT THE MAN IS RIDIN' ON THE BACK

45. LIKE HE DON'T SMELL NOTHIN'.

46. IT'S JUST—

47. AND IF HE SEES A WOMAN IN THE CAR

48. HE'LL LOOK OVER THERE AND SAY, "HEY."

49. LIKE SHE GONNA ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN

50. AND TALK TO HIS STANKIN' ASS.

51. IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

52. SEE THAT'S MY PET PEEVE, MAN,

53. BAD SMELLS, I CAN'T HANDLE BAD—

54. I CAN HANDLE REGULAR BAD SMELLS,

55. LIKE, YOU KNOW, FARTIN'.

56. IT'S THAT BAD BREATH THING I CAN'T HANDLE.

57. I DON'T MEAN REGULAR BAD BREATH,

58. LIKE ONIONS OR BEER, I'M TALKIN' ABOUT

59. THAT H-H-H-HEAAAVY STUFF.

60. YOU KNOW THAT COMES FROM WAY DOWN THERE.

61. AND IT SEEMS LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THAT TYPE OF BREATH

62. NEVER SEEM TO KNOW 'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS GOT SECRETS,

63. DON'T THEY?

64. "HEY, LEMME TELL YOU SOMTHIN'"

65. MM-MM!

66. AH, AH, AH!

67. I CAN'T HANDLE NONE OF YOUR SECRETS, MAN.

68. MY EYE'S WATERIN'.

69. I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LAUGHING.

70. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SERIOUS,

71. BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO, YOU KNOW, B-S Y'ALL TONIGHT.

72. I WANTED IT TO BE, YOU KNOW, SERIOUS.

73. I WANTED TO KEEP IT ON THE LEVEL,

74. 'CAUSE PEOPLE, PEOPLE B-S YOU ALL YOUR LIFE.

75. LIKE, FROM LITTLE-KID STATUS ON UP.

76. I KNOW 'CAUSE I WAS BABY-SITTING A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.

77. OK, I WASN'T BABY-SITTING,

78. I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP WITH THIS WOMAN,

79. SHE WAS BABY-SITTING.

80. SO THAT AUTOMATICALLY MADE ME HER ASSISTANT.

81. AND YOU KNOW, OF COURSE YOU GOTTA PUT THE KIDS TO SLEEP

82. AND WE TRIED EVERYTHING.

83. I SMOKED BLUNTS IN THEIR FACES,

84. I GAVE THEM HENNESSEY, NOTHIN' WORKED.

85. THEY WERE STILL JUMPIN' AROUND.

86. ONE OF THE KIDS COMES OUT THE BACK WITH A STORY BOOK,

87. AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, READ US A STORY."

88. AND I READ THEM "LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD".

89. I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT STORY.

90. YOU EVER?

91. THAT IS A HORRIFYING STORY.

92. IT IS!

93. AND IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE, A KID'S STORY.

94. AND YOU, THINK ABOUT THE STORY.

95. AND YOU KNOW, AT FIRST THERE'S THIS GIRL, IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

96. RED RIDING HOOD, SHE'S LIKE A TRICK

97. 'CAUSE SHE WEARS, LIKE, LITTLE HOT PANTS AND STUFF,

98. YOU KNOW, THE BIG PUSH-UP BRA

99. AND A LITTLE HOOD

100. LIKE SOME SUPER-HERO STRIPPER OR SOMETHING.

101. AND YOU REMEMBER, SHE'S LIKE, SKIPPING THROUGH THE WOODS

102. AND STUFF, SHE TEASIN' ALL THE WOODSMEN...

103. "HI, WOODSMEN!"

104. AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT'S UP, BITCH?"

105. AND SHE'S SKIPPIN' THROUGH THE WOODS,

106. REMEMBER, BUT REMEMBER BEFORE SHE GETS

107. TO HER GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE, YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED,

108. THE WOLF WAS THERE AND HE ATE HER GRANDMOTHER.

109. THAT IS TERRIBLE, HE ATE HER GRANDMOTHER.

110. MOST PEOPLE SAY, "MY GRANDMOTHER PASSED."

111. WHAT HAPPENED, MAN? HEART ATTACK?

112. STROKE?

113. "NAH, MAN, THE WOLF ATE HER."

114. WHAT?

115. HOW DID HE GET IN THE BUILDING?

116. "I DON'T KNOW WHO BUZZED HIM IN!"

117. HE JUMPED IN THE BED AND RED CAME IN

118. AND SHE PULLED THE COVERS BACK

119. AND SHE DID WHAT A LOT OF WOMEN DO.

120. A LOT OF WOMEN USE STUPID AS A SELF-DEFENSE MECHANISM.

121. YOU KNOW, YOU GET IN THE ELEVATOR,

122. IT'S JUST YOU AND ONE WOMAN.

123. YOU GO, "HEY, HOW YOU DOIN' ?"

124. "WHO, ME?"

125. I SHOULD POKE YOU IN YOUR EYE.

126. AND SHE GOES, "OH, GRANDMAMA!

127. WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE!"

128. YOU KNOW THIS AIN'T YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

129. AND SHE KEPT ON, "HEY, GRAMMA,

130. WHAT BIG TEETH YOU HAVE!"

131. AND THE WOLF IS LIKE, "I'M TIRED OF PLAYIN' WITH YOU."

132. SO HE JUMPED UP, BUT HE COULDN'T GET OUT AS QUICK AS HE COULD

133. 'CAUSE HE HAD THE DRESS ON, AND SHE TOOK OFF.

134. "WHOO!"

135. THAT'S HER RUNNIN', "WOOOH!"

136. SHE ONLY HAD FROM HERE TO THAT WALL TO GET OUT OF THE PLACE.

137. BUT REMEMBER, SHE'S A WHITE WOMAN IN A SCARY SITUATION.

138. SHE FELL.

139. THAT IS BAD TIMING, RED.

140. YOU JUST SKIPPED TWO MILES THROUGH THE WOODS,

141. NOW YOU GONNA FALL IN THE LIVING ROOM.

142. AND THE WOLF IS ABOUT TO GET HER,

143. HE'S LIKE, "GRAAAAA!"

144. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO "OH!"

145. I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN, "GRAAAAA!"

146. OOOHHHH!

147. THERE YOU GO!

148. AND RIGHT WHEN HE'S ABOUT TO GET HER

149. THE WOODSMAN JUMPS IN AND DA-DA-DA!

150. CUTS HIS HEAD OFF.

151. THE BIG BAD WOLF DIED WITH A DRESS ON.

152. IMAGINE HOW THE THIRD PIG FELT AT THE FUNERAL.

153. HE'S LIKE, "MAN, ALL THIS TIME

154. AND THIS DUDE WAS A TRANSVESTICLE.

155. SAME GUY WHO ATE MY BROTHERS.

156. BUT I LIKE THE FAIRY TALES, MAN.

157. SOME OF 'EM DON'T FIT, THOUGH.

158. YOU KNOW, LIKE THE THREE BEARS.

159. THAT'S NOT COOL BECAUSE, I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

160. IT WOULDN'T WORK WITH LIKE, YOU KNOW,

161. A DIFFERENT PERSON IN IT BESIDES GOLDILOCKS.

162. I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE, EITHER

163. 'CAUSE GOLDILOCKS, YOU KNOW,

164. SHE LIKE BREAKS INTO THESE PEOPLE'S HOUSES.

165. I MEAN, SHE COMES INTO THE BEARS' HOUSE,

166. SHE WALKS INTO THE YARD, INTO THE HOUSE,

167. AND THEN SHE'S IN THE HOUSE, SHE'S EATING THEIR PORRIDGE.

168. SHE'S LIKE, "OOH!

169. THIS IS TOO HOT!"

170. BITCH, THIS AIN'T YOUR FOOD!

171. SOME PEOPLE COME UP WITH REAL CLEVER PHRASES

172. AND NEVER GET ANY CREDIT FOR IT.

173. YOU EVER HEAR THE PHRASE,

174. "WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?"

175. I THINK THAT IS SO GOOD, THERE'S 1,000 DIFFERENT ANSWERS

176. FOR WHY THAT LITTLE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD.

177. NOW ME, PERSONALLY, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN

178. ABOUT THE CHICKEN CROSSING THE ROAD AT ALL.

179. OBVIOUSLY, CHICKENS ARE PRETTY GOOD AT CROSSING THE ROAD

180. 'CAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN A CHICKEN WHO'S BEEN HIT BY A CAR.

181. I MEAN, THEY GET HURT A LOT OF WAYS,

182. BUT NEVER HIT BY A CAR.

183. I THINK AS A SOCIETY, WE SHOULD CONCERN OURSELF

184. WITH THE ANIMALS WHO DON'T MAKE IT ACROSS THE ROAD.

185. WHY DID THE SQUIRREL CROSS THE ROAD?

186. HE NEVER MAKES IT.

187. SQUIRRELS HAVE, LIKE, A BIG SELF-CONFIDENCE PROBLEM.

188. YOU EVER SEE 'EM?

189. 'CAUSE THEY'RE QUICK ENOUGH, BUT THEY CAN'T HANG

190. WHEN THEY'RE LIKE, "WHOO! I CAN'T DO THIS!"

191. AND SOON AS HE TURN AROUND

192. BAM! OH!

193. WHAT ABOUT THE RACCOON?

194. THEY GET IT ALL THE TIME.

195. EVERY TIME YOU DRIVE DOWN THE HIGHWAY,

196. THAT'S ALL YOU SEE IS A LITTLE HAT HERE,

197. A LITTLE HAT THERE.

198. AND RACCOONS DON'T GET IT

199. 'CAUSE THEY HAVE LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE

200. LIKE THE SQUIRREL,

201. RACCOONS HAVE TOO MUCH SELF-CONFIDENCE.

202. 'CAUSE LOOK AT THE WAY THEY DRESS.

203. THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH FOR THE FOREST.

204. BIG FUR JUMPSUIT, THE BLACK DRIVING GLOVES,

205. THE STRIPED TAIL, AND LITTLE SUNGLASSES.

206. COME ON, RACCOON,

207. WHAT YOU TRYING TO PROVE, MAN?

208. THEN THEY WALK OUT INTO THE HIGHWAY LATE AT NIGHT

209. AND I'M SURE ANOTHER ANIMAL GOES,

210. "HEY, RACCOON! LOOK OUT FOR THAT TRUCK!"

211. AND HE'S LIKE, "WHAT TRUCK, MOTHER?"

212. 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW THEY TALK, 'CAUSE THEY THINK THEY COOL.

213. BUT BY THEN IT'S TOO LATE.

214. RRRRUM, BAM!

215. THAT'S WHY EVERY TIME YOU DO SEE A DEAD RACCOON,

216. HE'S ALWAYS LOOKIN' BACK.

217. 'CAUSE HE WAS TALKING TO THAT ANIMAL IN THE WOODS.

218. AND YOU KNOW WHAT ANIMAL THAT WAS, RIGHT?

219. THE CHICKEN.

220. I LIKE TO HAVE A PET, YOU KNOW,

221. BECAUSE I LIVE BY MYSELF.

222. AND I'M ON THE ROAD SOMETIMES TWO, THREE WEEKS AT A TIME,

223. YOU KNOW, AND IT'D BE NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE

224. IN MY APARTMENT WHO'S HAPPY TO SEE ME,

225. YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY WHO HAS NOT BEEN

226. LOOKING THROUGH MY (BEEP).

227. 'CAUSE WOMEN SEEM TO WANT TO DO THAT ALL THE TIME.

228. THEY'LL LOOK THROUGH YOUR THINGS,

229. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

230. "DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE?"

231. I'M GONNA HAVE A BODY TO HIDE IF YOU KEEP IT UP.

232. I THINK THE PERFECT PET FOR ME WOULD BE LIKE, A MONKEY.

233. 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY WANTS A MONKEY.

234. YOU KNOW, FROM WHEN YOU WERE LIKE, A LITTLE KID

235. YOU'RE LIKE, AH, "I'D LIKE TO HAVE A MONKEY."

236. YOU KNOW, JUST THINK ABOUT HAVING A MONKEY.

237. THAT'D BE SO NICE.

238. YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO STAY THERE.

239. HE CAN FEED HIMSELF, OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR,

240. WORK THE BLENDER, HE CAN EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE.

241. HE CAN'T SAY NOTHIN', BUT HE COULD PICK IT UP,

242. AND YOU KNOW, A DOG SHOWS EXCITEMENT,

243. HE'S LIKE, "HM HM HM HM HM",

244. AND YOU KNOW HE'S HAPPY,

245. BUT A MONKEY CAN ACTUALLY SMILE AND STUFF.

246. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WALK IN THE DOOR AND YOU'RE LIKE,

247. MONKEY!

248. AND HE'S LIKE, "HA HA!"

249. YOU HUG EACH OTHER.

250. WE CAN WATCH TV TOGETHER, WATCH LIKE, DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

251. HE'D PROBABLY SIT THERE AND SAY, "HEY, I KNOW HIM!"

252. YOU DON'T KNOW HIM, MONKEY!

253. I'D TAKE HIM FOR WALKS, TOO, YOU KNOW.

254. BUT NO LEASH FOR MY MONKEY.

255. AS A MATTER OF FACT, IF I HAD A MONKEY,

256. I'D DRESS HIM JUST LIKE ME.

257. WE'D HANG OUT, I'D TAKE HIM TO NIGHTCLUBS AND STUFF.

258. I'D JUST SHAVE HIS MONKEY HAIR OFF,

259. GIVE HIM SOME LITTLE LEATHER PANTS,

260. LITTLE TIGHT MUSCLE SHIRT.

261. AH, THAT'D BE NICE, TAKE HIM TO A CLUB.

262. BUT, YOU KNOW, NO OFFENSE TO ANYBODY HERE

263. WHO HAPPEN TO BE LIKE, ASIAN OR LATINO,

264. BUT THAT'S THE TYPE OF CLUB WE'D PROBABLY HAVE TO GO TO,

265. YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO GO TO SOMEWHERE

266. WHERE EVERYBODY'S SHORT.

267. NO, 'CAUSE IF I TAKE HIM TO A REGULAR CLUB,

268. SOMEBODY'S GONNA CATCH ON.

269. SOMEBODY'S GONNA GO,

270. "HEY, THAT MIDGET LOOKS JUST LIKE A MONKEY.

271. SEEN HIM FLIP THREE TIMES."

272. WHO KNOWS, HE MAY GET LUCKY!

273. SITTIN' AT THE BAR, DRINKING HIS LITTLE BANANA DAIQUIRIS.

274. SOME DRUNK GIRL COMES UP, SHE'S LIKE,

275. "HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU?

276. "YOU DON'T TALK AS MUCH AS THOSE OTHER GUYS."

277. HE JUST LOOK AT HER AND GO, "HA HA!"

278. 'CAUSE HE CAN'T TALK.

279. WHO KNOWS, THEY MAY EVEN GO HOME TOGETHER.

280. JUST IMAGINE THAT, THEY KISSIN',

281. AND MESSIN' AROUND.

282. OH, MY GOD.

283. YOU KNOW, SHE MAY TOUCH HIM.

284. YOU KNOW, JUST TOUCH HIM.

285. NOW, IF HE WAS A REGULAR MAN,

286. YOU GET HOT, YOU MIGHT THROW YOUR WOMAN ON THE BED

287. AND GO, "YEAH!"

288. BUT HE'S A WILD ANIMAL HIS HOT MAY BE A LITTLE HOTTER.

289. SHE TOUCH HIS LITTLE MONKEY WIENY'S...

290. "AAAAAHHHHH!"

291. THE HAIR ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK STANDS UP

292. AND HE TAKES HIS HAND AND POPS HER RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD.

293. AND SHE JUST FALLS BACK,

294. "OH! YOU LIKE IT ROUGH!"

295. WOMEN GET DISGUSTED, BUT JUST THINK ABOUT IT,

296. HE COULD PROBABLY DO THINGS A REGULAR MAN COULD NEVER DO.

297. HE CAN DO THE TRADITIONAL DOGGY-STYLE

298. WITHOUT EVEN PUTTING HIS FEET ON THE GROUND.

299. HE'S RIGHT THERE ON YOUR BACK,

300. "WAH! WAH! WAH!"

301. SMACK YOUR ASS WITH HIS FOOT.

302. "HOW'D YOU DO THAT WITH YOUR HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS?"

303. "I'M A MONKEY!"

304. HIS DISMOUNT WOULD BE COOL

305. 'CAUSE YOU KNOW, A REGULAR MAN,

306. HIS DISMOUNT IS THIS, "UH."

307. BUT HE'S A MONKEY, SO HE'S GONNA DO A LITTLE FLIP,

308. "TA-DAH!"

309. "I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN!"

310. I THINK THAT'S THE END.

311. OKAY, I FEEL A LITTLE ASHAMED AT SOME OF THESE THINGS

312. I'M TELLING YOU GUYS,

313. BUT, IT'S ALL GOOD, MAN.

314. I HAVE TO TAKE A LOOK BACK HERE AT MY ROOM.

315. I GUESS THAT'S MY LIFE.

316. YOU CAN LOOK AT THE ROOM AND SEE I'VE BEEN ALL OVER THE PLACE.

317. I WENT TO AFRICA LAST YEAR.

318. ANY OF YOU GUYS EVER BEEN TO AFRICA?

319. ALL RIGHT!

320. OKAY, I DIDN'T GO TO AFRICA.

321. I MEAN, I DIDN'T GO TO LIKE,

322. AFRICA AFRICA, LIKE YOU'RE THINKING.

323. BUT, I SMOKED A JOINT AND WATCHED THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL,

324. IT IS THE SAME THING.

325. I WAS RIGHT THERE IN THE JUNGLE.

326. I STARTED TAKING ALL MY CLOTHES OFF.

327. THEY HAD A SPECIAL ON ABOUT THE PYGMIES.

328. YOU KNOW THE PYGMIES, RIGHT?

329. THEY'RE LITTLE DUDES, THEY'RE NOT MIDGETS,

330. THEY'RE JUST LITTLE DUDES.

331. AND THE WHOLE SPECIAL WAS ABOUT THEM TRYING TO KILL AN ELEPHANT

332. THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY, NO GUNS, NO SPEARS.

333. THEY JUST JUMPED HIM.

334. I MEAN, YOU LAUGH, BUT IMAGINE EIGHT LITTLE BLACK DUDES

335. WITH NO CLOTHES ON JUST COME OUT,

336. "AH-AH!"

337. THAT'D SCARE ANYBODY.

338. ALL THEY HAD FOR WEAPONS WERE THESE LITTLE STRAWS

339. THAT WENT, "PIK-OW, PIK-OW, PIK-OW, PIK-OW!"

340. YOU KNOW, THE ELEPHANT WAS GOING, "BRRRRRRR!"

341. "PIK-OW, PIK-OW!"

342. THEY STILL HAD A HARD TIME KILLING THE ELEPHANT.

343. BUT, YOU KNOW, AFTER WE FINALLY KILLED HIM—

344. WHAT?

345. OH, YOU KNOW, I SAID "WE",

346. BECAUSE BY THAT TIME, I JUST STEPPED RIGHT INTO THE TV.

347. I WAS RIGHT THERE WITH THEM, BUTT-NECKED.

348. NOTHIN' ON BUT SANDALS BECAUSE I HAVE VERY SENSITIVE FEET.

349. THEN WE HAD TO DRAG THIS ELEPHANT BACK TO THE VILLAGE.

350. WE GET BACK, THERE'S A BIG CELEBRATION.

351. YOU KNOW, BEFORE THE BIG FEAST, THERE'S A BIG CELEBRATION.

352. THEY HAVE A CEREMONY, LIKE 50 WOMEN LINED UP IN A CHORUS LINE,

353. SHOULDER TO SHOULDER WITH HEADDRESSES ON AND EVERYTHING

354. AND THEY'RE SINGING THIS BEAUTIFUL AFRICAN MELODY

355. THAT JUST ECHOES THROUGH THE FOREST,

356. THEY'RE ALL LIKE,

357. HEY!

358. THESE ARE NOT HANDS.

359. AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, NOW THIS IS A PARTY RIGHT HERE!"

360. I JUST WENT DOWN THE LINE...

361. I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE.

362. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

363. I FELL IN LOVE LAST YEAR FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

364. A LITTLE WHILE.

365. I MET THIS WOMAN IN CENTRAL PARK.

366. SHE WAS LIKE A MILE DOWN THE STREET, A MILE.

367. NOW, YOU KNOW, THAT'S A VERY LONG WAY

368. BUT I CAN SEE REAL GOOD

369. WHEN I'VE BEEN TAKING MY GLAUCOMA MEDICINE.

370. AND I SAID TO MYSELF, "THIS IS THE WOMAN FOR ME."

371. AND I JUST TOOK OFF RUNNING, "WHOOM!"

372. AND I GOT THERE A LOT QUICKER THAN I EXPECTED

373. BECAUSE, REALLY, SHE WAS LIKE, ONLY A BLOCK AWAY.

374. IT JUST SEEMED LIKE A LONG WAY

375. BECAUSE SHE WAS KINDA SHORT.

376. NOT REGULAR SHORT, LIKE YOU KNOW, 4'11" OR 5'1".

377. SHE WAS A MIDGET.

378. AT FIRST I WANTED TO KEEP RUNNING,

379. BUT I HAD ALREADY GOTTEN HER ATTENTION,

380. "HEY YOU IN THE RED DRESS."

381. BUT IT WAS JUST A T-SHIRT.

382. BUT YOU ALL GO "OOH" AND "AAH",

383. BUT I DATED HER.

384. AND WE DATED FOR QUITE A WHILE.

385. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THIS, BUT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY,

386. THERE ARE SO MANY LIKE, LITTLE PRIVATE CLUBS WE WOULD GO TO,

387. I MEAN, WE WOULD GO TO MIDGET PARTIES

388. LIKE FOUR NIGHTS A WEEK.

389. MIDGET PARTIES, MIDGET PARTIES.

390. OKAY, WAIT.

391. THEY WEREN'T CALLED MIDGET PARTIES.

392. 'CAUSE THAT'S LIKE, NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.

393. BUT COME ON, IF YOU'RE GOING TO A PARTY

394. AND THERE'S LIKE 200 MIDGETS THERE,

395. IN YOUR MIND, IT'S A MIDGET PARTY.

396. BUT, SO AS I DON'T OFFEND ANYBODY,

397. WE'RE GOING TO CALL IT A "LITTLE GET TOGETHER".

398. I GUESS THAT'S THE END AGAIN.

399. AND MOST COMEDIANS, THEY END THEIR SHOW LIKE,

400. YOU EVER NOTICE COMEDIANS, THEY END THEIR SHOW

401. WITH LIKE A BIG LAUGH, A BIG JOKE AT THE END,

402. WITH A BIG LAUGH.

403. BUT I FIGURE, WHY DO THAT?

404. I HAVEN'T DONE IT THE WHOLE SHOW,

405. SO WHY START NOW?

406. YOU KNOW, BUT ME, THEY TOLD ME,

407. THE PRODUCERS SAID DO NOT DO YOUR BIG ONE

408. AT THE END 'CAUSE IT'S JUST TOO MUCH,

409. THEY CAN'T ORDER IN THE THEATER,

410. 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE PEOPLE ARE WHISTLIN',

411. YOU KNOW, WOMEN THROWIN' PANTIES AND STUFF.

412. TONY!

413. SO USUALLY, USUALLY WHEN I'M LEAVING,

414. I JUST, I JUST USUALLY SAY, YOU KNOW, "GOD BLESS Y'ALL,

415. "AND THANK Y'ALL FOR LAUGHING.

416. AND MY NAME IS TONY WOODS"

417. AND RIGHT AFTER THAT I WOULD JUST WALK THAT WAY.

418. WATCH.

419. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL