Comedy Central Presents 5x7

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Ted Alexandro expresses frustration with his friends, job and love life in this Comedy Central Presents stand-up special.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. PRESENTS...

2. Captioning made possible by

3. THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

4. WOW, ALL RIGHT!

5. THANK YOU!

6. ALL RIGHT!

7. ALL RIGHT... YEAH!

8. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, MAN!

9. HOT— HOT CROWD!

10. PARTY PEOPLE, HUH?

11. YEAH... LIKE TO PARTY, MAN, LIKE TO CELEBRATE.

12. CELEBRATION'S PROBABLY

13. THE NEW YEAR'S CELEBRATION, Y'KNOW?

14. NEW YEAR'S

15. 'CAUSE IT'S SO BIZARRE TO ME THAT WE'RE DRUNK,

16. WE'RE COUNTING BACKWARDS.

17. LIKE, WHEN DID THIS TRADITION START?

18. BACK IN ANCIENT TIMES?

19. HAVE THE COUNTDOWN?

20. IT'D BE LIKE, "X... I-X!

21. V-I-I-I! V-I-I-V!"

22. I'M OUT.

23. "HAPPY NEW YEAR, HOPPOCLEASE, I AM OUT.

24. VOMITORIUM, YES I WILL."

25. RESOLUTIONS AROUND NEW YEAR'S, PEOPLE DO THAT.

26. YOU TRY TO GET IN SHAPE, LOSE WEIGHT, Y'KNOW.

27. I'M TRYING TO SHOP HEALTHIER, BUT CERTAIN THINGS ARE STRANGE.

28. IN THIS COUNTRY?

29. Y'KNOW WHAT I MEAN— "GRADE-A" BEEF?

30. YEAH, LIKE ANYONE'S GONNA WANT THE COW THAT GOT BAD GRADES.

31. IT'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, LET ME GET THE SPECIAL-ED BEEF.

32. "YEAH, FROM THE DYSLEXIC COW.

33. "THE ONE GOING, 'OOM... OOM.'

34. "BANGIN' HER HEAD.

35. "THAT'S THE ONE I WANT.

36. SOME OF THAT BEEF."

37. I'M TRYING TO STAY IN SHAPE, THOUGH.

38. I BELONG TO A GYM NOW... WELL, LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

39. I DON'T BELONG THERE AT ALL, BUT I GO.

40. I GO.

41. THERE'S BIG GUYS AT THE GYM, HAVE YOU SEEN THE BIG GYM GUYS?

42. I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?

43. BIG GYM GUYS...

44. BIG, LIKE BIG PIGEONS JUST WALKIN' AROUND.

45. THEY'RE WORKING OUT TOO, Y'KNOW.

46. LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU WORKING OUT TODAY?"

47. "BACK AND BIs."

48. "WHAT ARE YOU WORKING OUT?"

49. "ASS AND HEAD."

50. I HAD NO IDEA, FIRST TIME I WENT,

51. THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU WORKING OUT TODAY?"

52. I WAS LIKE, "CHILDHOOD ISSUES.

53. FOR THAT?"

54. THEY'RE BIG.

55. TO GIVE YOU A SPOT, TOO.

56. AND THEY YELL AT YOU LIKE, "ALL YOU, ALL YOU!"

57. I'M LIKE, "SOME YOU!

58. "IT'S TOO HEAVY!

59. "A LITTLE BIT ME, MOSTLY YOU!

60. TOO HEAVY!"

61. DIETS THOUGH, YOU KNOW?

62. EAT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

63. THAT'S MY FAVORITE.

64. IT'S ALWAYS LIKE REAL SPECIFIC THINGS.

65. YOU COULD EAT ASPARAGUS,

66. AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

67. YOU COULD JUST EAT, EAT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

68. YOU DRINK WATER,

69. AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

70. AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

71. THEN FROM SEVEN 'TIL WHENEVER YOU GO TO BED, YOU CRY.

72. YOU JUST CRY,

73. 'CAUSE YOU'RE STARVING.

74. YOU'RE REALLY HUNGRY,

75. AND YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO CRY.

76. NOT EASY TO EAT HEALTHY, THOUGH, RIGHT?

77. I GO OVER TO MY MOM AND DAD'S

78. THANKSGIVING DINNER,

79. AND MY MOM ORDERS BOSTON MARKET.

80. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? BOSTON MARKET.

81. IN HER OWN CHINA, RIGHT?

82. WOULDN'T KNOW.

83. AND I WOULD DROP SUBTLE HINTS.

84. WE'D BE LIKE, "SO MA, DO WE GET TWO SIDES WITH THE TURKEY?

85. "IS IT TWO OR IS IT JUST THE CORNBREAD?

86. WHAT'S THE POLICY?"

87. SHE WAS LIKE, "JUST TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND PASS IT."

88. I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW,

89. "BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE AT ALL.

90. "Y'KNOW, I'VE BEEN EATING HERE A LONG TIME, ALL RIGHT?

91. "ALL RIGHT— OKAY.

92. YES, I HAVE."

93. IS DECIDING WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO WITH THE PLASTIC FORKS.

94. Y'KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

95. "ARE WE KEEPING THE FORKS?

96. "ARE WE GONNA KEEP THE FORKS?

97. 'CAUSE YOU CAN WASH 'EM.

98. YOU WASH 'EM, THEN YOU USE 'EM AGAIN.

99. OKAY, SO WE'RE GONNA

100. BUT WE'RE KEEPING THE FORKS?

101. WE'RE GONNA KEEP 'EM...

102. 'CAUSE YOU CAN WASH 'EM.

103. HOW OLD YOU ARE

104. ABOUT THE FORKS.

105. 'CAUSE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I WAS LIKE, "THROW THE DAMN FORKS.

106. "WHO CARES, WE'LL GET MORE.

107. "ON BEHALF OF THE ENTIRE KIDDY TABLE, WE SAY,

108. "THE FORKS.

109. "THAT'S HOW WE FEEL ABOUT THE SITUATION.

110. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH."

111. SO, I'M SINGLE... THANK YOU.

112. AND HOW LAX SHE'S BEEN ABOUT GETTING IN TOUCH WITH ME.

113. I DON'T KNOW, BEING SINGLE

114. AND EUPHORIA.

115. IT'S LIKE LONELINESS RIGHT

116. REST OF THE DAY.

117. JUST REAL HAPPY, LIKE A BALANCE.

118. TELL ME ABOUT THEIR DREAMS.

119. YOU GUYS HAVE FRIENDS LIKE THAT, TELL YOU ABOUT THEIR DREAMS?

120. THEY'RE ALWAYS SO EXCITED, RIGHT?

121. ABOUT THEIR DREAM.

122. THEIRS IS THE WEIRDEST.

123. "I HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM— NO, COME ON,

124. IT WAS SO WEIRD, COME ON."

125. AND IT'S ALWAYS THIS BORING STORY, RIGHT?

126. LIKE, "OH, WE WERE ON THIS BOAT GOING DOWN A RIVER,

127. "BUT IT WAS A RIVER OF GRAVY.

128. "HOW WEIRD IS THAT?

129. "AND WE WEREN'T USING AN OAR,

130. "IT WAS A Q-TIP.

131. IS THAT?"

132. YOU'RE LIKE, "IT ISN'T WEIRD AT ALL,

133. "IT'S BORING.

134. "THERE'S A REASON YOU WERE ASLEEP DURING THIS.

135. I'M DOZING OFF JUST LISTENING TO YA."

136. YEAH, MAN, THEY TELL YOU ABOUT THEIR DREAMS.

137. THEY'RE HUNGRY TOO, RIGHT?

138. THAT'S A BIG FRIEND THING, THEY GOTTA FILL YOU IN.

139. JUST TELL YOU,

140. IT'S GOTTA BE THIS BIG, OVERLY DRAMATIC PRODUCTION.

141. LIKE, "DUDE...

142. "DUDE, I'M STARVIN', MAN.

143. DUDE, MAN, LOOK AT ME, I'M STARVIN' !"

144. RIGHT, THEN THEY GOTTA MAKE THAT LIST FOR YA?

145. "DUDE, ALL I HAD...

146. "ALL I HAD WAS A BAGEL AND A GRAPE.

147. DUDE..."

148. RIGHT— IT'S ALWAYS THOSE SAME KINDA THINGS.

149. AND A RAISIN.

150. "COME ON, DUDE, I'M STARVIN', C'MON..."

151. YOU'RE LIKE, "WELL, EAT SOMETHING.

152. "EAT— WHAT AM I, SPONSORING YOU?

153. EAT, MAKE A SANDWICH."

154. NOBODY YOU KNOW STARVES, LIKE, "DID YOU HEAR ABOUT BOB?"

155. "NO, WHAT HAPPENED?"

156. "HE STARVED TO DEATH."

157. "OH, REALLY— I JUST SAW HIM, HE LOOKED GREAT."

158. "WELL, TURNS OUT ALL HE HAD WAS A BAGEL AND A GRAPE.

159. "YOU BELIEVE THAT?

160. "HE WAS ASKIN' FOR IT.

161. HE WAS ASKIN' FOR IT."

162. I USED TO TEACH, THAT'S WHAT I USED TO DO.

163. A MUSIC TEACHER.

164. YEAH.

165. WHAT, ARE YOU SOME OF MY FORMER STUDENTS OVER HERE?

166. IS THAT WHAT THAT IS?

167. I WISH.

168. THANK YOU, YEAH, I TAUGHT MUSIC FOR FIVE YEARS.

169. ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS.

170. IT WAS WILD TO ME, MAN, JUST LIKE, IT'S SO STRANGE

171. FINDING YOURSELF IN CHARGE, YOU KNOW?

172. ANSWERS TO THE STRANGEST THINGS.

173. RUNNIN' UP TO YOU,

174. "BILLY'S GOT A MARBLE IN HIS ASS."

175. "WHAT?

176. IN HIS ASS?"

177. "DID HE TRY TO BLOW IT OUT OR ANYTHING?

178. "I DON'T— TELL HIM TO HAVE ANOTHER TACO AT LUNCH.

179. "I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T—

180. "I DIDN'T READ THE CHAPTER ABOUT THE MARBLE IN THE ASS.

181. I DON'T KNOW."

182. PUKED IN GRAMMAR SCHOOL?

183. REMEMBER THAT, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE?

184. DIVING UNDER DESKS,

185. RUNNING FOR COVER.

186. YOUR BEST FRIEND,

187. YOU'RE LIKE, "HOLY CRAP, MAN!

188. "I DON'T EVEN THINK WE HAD PEAS AND CARROTS TODAY!

189. "WHAT— HOW DID HE DO THAT?

190. IT'S LIKE MAGIC."

191. A BUCKET OF SAWDUST, RIGHT?

192. WHAT IS HE, LIKE THE PUKE FAIRY?

193. WHAT IS THAT, MAN?

194. LIKE, "HAVE NO FEAR, CHILDREN,

195. "I AM THE PUKE FAIRY.

196. "MAKE A WISH, AND I WILL SWEEP IT UP.

197. I AM THE PUKE FAIRY."

198. PUKE FAIRY, KEEPIN' IT SAFE.

199. IN GRAMMAR SCHOOL?

200. LINING UP, MAN?

201. LIKE TWO SECONDS.

202. IT TAKES ALL DAY.

203. RIGHT?

204. TEACHER'S LIKE, "WHEN I SEE A TABLE THAT IS READY TO LINE UP,

205. "I WILL CALL YOU.

206. "THIS COULD TAKE AS LONG AS YOU WOULD LIKE...

207. "EXCELLENT.

208. TABLE ONE, LINE UP."

209. AND TABLE ONE LOSES THEIR MINDS, LIKE, "WHAAAA!"

210. "TABLE ONE, SIT DOWN."

211. "AHH, COME ON..."

212. THE ART TEACHERS, Y'KNOW?

213. ART TEACHERS.

214. SO BIZARRE, RIGHT?

215. PEOPLE OF THE FACULTY.

216. RIGHT— ALL DISHEVELED, WEARIN' SMOCKS,

217. COVERED IN PAINT...

218. ALWAYS LIKE DIGGIN' THROUGH THE GARBAGE,

219. LOOKIN' FOR BOTTLES,

220. AND THINGS.

221. ALL DISORGANIZED, ALWAYS MAKIN' ANNOUNCEMENTS

222. WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY OUT THE DOOR ALREADY.

223. BE LIKE, "PEOPLE, PEOPLE!

224. "LISTEN UP, PEOPLE!

225. "GET HIM.

226. "PEOPLE...

227. "IF ANY OF YOUR NEIGHBORS

228. "HAVE ANY PAPER TOWEL ROLLS,

229. "START BRINGIN' 'EM IN.

230. "BRING 'EM IN, BRING 'EM IN.

231. "YEAH... YEAH.

232. "BRING 'EM IN.

233. WE'RE GONNA BE MAKING VASES FOR MOTHER'S DAY."

234. VASES.

235. THESE PEOPLE ARE LIKE FRIGGIN' MacGYVER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

236. A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS.

237. BECAUSE AROUND MOTHER'S DAY,

238. AND START YELLING AT US,

239. HOW WE WERE SELFISH, AND ONLY THOUGHT OF OURSELVES.

240. WHICH ONLY MADE IT WORSE,

241. 'CAUSE THEN YOU HAD TO WHIP OUT THE PAPER TOWEL ROLL,

242. LIKE, "UH-HUH...

243. "YOU WERE SAYING?

244. "AND I BELIEVE THIS PASTA-NECKLACE IS YOURS, TOO.

245. "I LOVE YA, MA.

246. NOW PUT ON THE RIGATONI."

247. HBO PRISON DOCUMENTARIES.

248. YOU EVER SEE THOSE?

249. OF PRISON, MAN.

250. THE STUFF THAT GOES ON,

251. LIKE PRISON RAPE,

252. WHO'S WHOSE BITCH.

253. I DECIDED I DON'T WANNA GO TO PRISON.

254. TRIED TO RAPE ME,

255. TRY TO RAPE HIM BACK.

256. Y'KNOW, IT'D BE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

257. "I'M RAPING YOU."

258. "WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY? GET AWAY FROM ME, MAN, I'M RAPING YOU.

259. WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS? GET THIS GUY OFF OF ME!"

260. FINALLY HE'D GET ALL FED UP,

261. LIKE, "I DON'T EVEN WANNA RAPE YOU ANYMORE!"

262. A DIFFICULT RAPE.

263. LIKE, "YEAH, HE TRIES TO RAPE YOU BACK!"

264. "REALLY— CAN HE DO THAT?"

265. "YEAH, HE DOES IT— HE LIKE FOLLOWS YOU AROUND, MAN!

266. IT'S LIKE— IT'S REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE!"

267. YEAH, MAN!

268. SO, YOU GUYS LIKE DOGS, WE HAVE A DOG CROWD HERE, YEAH?

269. COOL... YEAH?

270. I DON'T LIKE DOGS...

271. AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

272. THERE'S THIS BIG CLOUD OF LIES AND DECEIT SURROUNDING DOGS.

273. CREATED BY THEIR OWNERS.

274. THEY'RE ALWAYS MAKING EXCUSES FOR THE DOG'S BEHAVIOR.

275. "OH, SHE JUST LIKES YOU.

276. SHE'S BEING PLAYFUL."

277. "YEAH, WELL SHE'S BITIN' MY ASS.

278. "COULD YOU MAYBE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT?

279. BECAUSE JUST A HUNCH, I MAY NEED MY ASS."

280. IT'S LIKE THEY

281. TO GAUGE WHAT'S

282. IT'S A DOG.

283. WAS JUMPING UP ON YOUR LAP,

284. LICKIN' YOUR CROTCH,

285. I WOULDN'T DISMISS IT WITH, "SHE JUST LIKES YA.

286. "SHE'S BEING PLAYFUL.

287. "GO ON, GRANDMA...

288. "LICK BALLS.

289. "GOOD GIRL, GOOD GIRL.

290. "WHO'S MY GRANDMA?

291. YES, YOU ARE, HA HA HEY... YEAH!"

292. OH, WE'RE A LITTLE SICKER THAN I THOUGHT, AREN'T WE?

293. YES, WE ARE.

294. REPEATEDLY?

295. ALWAYS!

296. AND FOR WHATEVER REASON,

297. TO CORRECT THEM?

298. YOU START TO KINDA LIKE IT?

299. AS KEVIN FOR LIKE EIGHT YEARS.

300. I LOVED IT, UNTIL ONE DAY

301. AND TOLD 'EM MY NAME WAS TED.

302. I WAS SO ANNOYED, I WAS LIKE, "MOM...

303. "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

304. "YOU KNOW I'M KEVIN!

305. AND I WAS MORE THAN HAPPY."

306. AND IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING,

307. THEY WERE LIKE, "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL US?"

308. AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU LIKED ME AS KEVIN.

309. "YOU ACCEPTED ME AS KEVIN.

310. "WHEN I WAS KEVIN

311. "AND EVERYTHING WAS BRAND NEW.

312. AND I'M JUST AFRAID TO LOSE ALL THAT NOW."

313. AND THEY SAID, "LOOK, WE LIKED YOU AS KEVIN,

314. WE'LL LIKE YOU AS TODD."

315. "I SUPPOSE YOU WILL."

316. FOR EACH OTHER, RIGHT?

317. WE HAVE FOR EACH OTHER.

318. ASIAN AMERICAN.

319. LATINO AMERICAN.

320. AFRICAN AMERICAN.

321. CAUCASIAN AMERICAN.

322. I'VE NEVER BEEN TO CAUCASIA...

323. BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL IT IS.

324. POINT IT OUT ON A MAP.

325. OF THE CAUCASIAN.

326. SO I WAS WATCHING THIS AH, FIGURE SKATING SHOW.

327. FIGURE SKATING?

328. YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT?

329. I LIKE WHEN THEY FALL.

330. RIGHT?

331. 'CAUSE YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOT GONNA WIN.

332. LIKE IF YOU FALL, I SAY JUST GET OFF THE ICE.

333. OFF THE ICE

334. BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GONNA WIN.

335. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR PROGRAM,

336. BACK FLIPS,

337. DRIVE THE ZAMBONI,

338. FOR THE JUDGES.

339. YOU'RE NOT GONNA WIN.

340. IT'S LIKE YOUR DRIVER'S TEST,

341. IF YOU HIT SOMEBODY,

342. PULL OVER, YOU'RE NOT GETTIN' YOUR LICENSE.

343. RESCHEDULE, YEAH.

344. THE OTHER DAY.

345. I SAW A COP ON A BIKE, YOU'VE SEEN THIS, I'M SURE.

346. COP, MM...

347. ON A BIKE.

348. AREN'T WE GETTING A LITTLE TOO RECREATIONAL HERE?

349. I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT, THE COP ON A POGO STICK?

350. RIGHT? IT WOULD BE LIKE...

351. "PULL OVER!

352. DON'T MAKE ME CALL THE JUMP ROPE SQUAD."

353. TO THE ETCH-A-SKETCH ARTIST.

354. IT'D BE LIKE, "OKAY, WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?

355. "OKAY...

356. "WAS HE GOING DOWN STAIRS, BY CHANCE?

357. "NO?

358. "OKAY, OKAY...

359. "WHAT'S THAT, HE HAD A SCAR?

360. WELL, YOU'VE GOTTA TELL ME THAT."

361. GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH, GOOD NIGHT!

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