Comedy Central Presents 5x7

1. FROM NEW YORK CITY

2. COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS...

3. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL

4. THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

5. WOW, ALL RIGHT!

6. THANK YOU!

7. THANK YOU— ALL RIGHT!

8. ALL RIGHT... YEAH!

9. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, MAN!

10. HOT— HOT CROWD!

11. PARTY PEOPLE, HUH?

12. YEAH... LIKE TO PARTY, MAN, LIKE TO CELEBRATE.

13. I THINK MY FAVORITE CELEBRATION'S PROBABLY

14. THE NEW YEAR'S CELEBRATION, Y'KNOW?

15. I ALWAYS LIKE NEW YEAR'S

16. 'CAUSE IT'S SO BIZARRE TO ME THAT WE'RE DRUNK,

17. WE'RE COUNTING BACKWARDS.

18. LIKE, WHEN DID THIS TRADITION START?

19. DID THEY HAVE IT BACK IN ANCIENT TIMES?

20. LIKE IN ANCIENT ROME DID THEY HAVE THE COUNTDOWN?

21. IT'D BE LIKE, "X... I-X!

22. V-I-I-I! V-I-I-V!"

23. I'M OUT.

24. "HAPPY NEW YEAR, HOPPOCLEASE, I AM OUT.

25. I WILL SEE YOU AT THE VOMITORIUM, YES I WILL."

26. YOU START TO MAKE RESOLUTIONS AROUND NEW YEAR'S, PEOPLE DO THAT.

27. YOU TRY TO GET IN SHAPE, LOSE WEIGHT, Y'KNOW.

28. I'M TRYING TO SHOP HEALTHIER, BUT CERTAIN THINGS ARE STRANGE.

29. LIKE WHY DO WE GRADE OUR BEEF IN THIS COUNTRY?

30. Y'KNOW WHAT I MEAN— "GRADE-A" BEEF?

31. YEAH, LIKE ANYONE'S GONNA WANT THE COW THAT GOT BAD GRADES.

32. IT'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, LET ME GET THE SPECIAL-ED BEEF.

33. "YEAH, FROM THE DYSLEXIC COW.

34. "THE ONE GOING, 'OOM... OOM.'

35. "BANGIN' HER HEAD.

36. "THAT'S THE ONE I WANT.

37. GIVE ME SOME OF THAT BEEF."

38. I'M TRYING TO STAY IN SHAPE, THOUGH.

39. I BELONG TO A GYM NOW... WELL, LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

40. I DON'T BELONG THERE AT ALL, BUT I GO.

41. I GO.

42. THERE'S BIG GUYS AT THE GYM, HAVE YOU SEEN THE BIG GYM GUYS?

43. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?

44. BIG GYM GUYS...

45. BIG, LIKE BIG PIGEONS JUST WALKIN' AROUND.

46. ALWAYS ASKING EACH OTHER

47. WHAT PART OF THE BODY THEY'RE WORKING OUT TOO, Y'KNOW.

48. LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU WORKING OUT TODAY?"

49. "BACK AND BIs."

50. "WHAT ARE YOU WORKING OUT?"

51. "ASS AND HEAD."

52. I HAD NO IDEA, FIRST TIME I WENT,

53. THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU WORKING OUT TODAY?"

54. I WAS LIKE, "CHILDHOOD ISSUES.

55. IS THERE A MACHINE FOR THAT?"

56. THEY'RE BIG.

57. THEY ALWAYS WANT TO GIVE YOU A SPOT, TOO.

58. AND THEY YELL AT YOU LIKE, "ALL YOU, ALL YOU!"

59. I'M LIKE, "SOME YOU!

60. "IT'S TOO HEAVY!

61. "A LITTLE BIT ME, MOSTLY YOU!

62. TOO HEAVY!"

63. PEOPLE GO ON WEIRD DIETS THOUGH, YOU KNOW?

64. I LIKE THE DIET WHERE YOU COULD EAT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

65. THAT'S MY FAVORITE.

66. IT'S ALWAYS LIKE REAL SPECIFIC THINGS.

67. LIKE FROM NINE TO TWELVE YOU COULD EAT ASPARAGUS,

68. AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

69. YOU COULD JUST EAT, EAT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

70. THEN FROM TWELVE TO SEVEN YOU DRINK WATER,

71. AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

72. YOU COULD JUST DRINK AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

73. THEN FROM SEVEN 'TIL WHENEVER YOU GO TO BED, YOU CRY.

74. YOU JUST CRY,

75. CRY AS MUCH AS YOU WANT 'CAUSE YOU'RE STARVING.

76. YOU'RE REALLY HUNGRY,

77. AND YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO CRY.

78. NOT EASY TO EAT HEALTHY, THOUGH, RIGHT?

79. I REMEMBER LAST THANKSGIVING I GO OVER TO MY MOM AND DAD'S

80. FOR THE TRADITIONAL THANKSGIVING DINNER,

81. AND MY MOM ORDERS BOSTON MARKET.

82. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? BOSTON MARKET.

83. BUT SHE SERVED IT IN HER OWN CHINA, RIGHT?

84. SO THAT THE GUESTS WOULDN'T KNOW.

85. BUT MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND I WOULD DROP SUBTLE HINTS.

86. WE'D BE LIKE, "SO MA, DO WE GET TWO SIDES WITH THE TURKEY?

87. "IS IT TWO OR IS IT JUST THE CORNBREAD?

88. WHAT'S THE POLICY?"

89. SHE WAS LIKE, "JUST TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND PASS IT."

90. I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW, CAN I SEE YOUR MANAGER

91. "BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE AT ALL.

92. "Y'KNOW, I'VE BEEN EATING HERE A LONG TIME, ALL RIGHT?

93. "ALL RIGHT— OKAY.

94. YES, I HAVE."

95. I THINK THE BIGGEST THING AT MY FAMILY PARTIES

96. IS DECIDING WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO WITH THE PLASTIC FORKS.

97. Y'KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

98. "ARE WE KEEPING THE FORKS?

99. "ARE WE GONNA KEEP THE FORKS?

100. 'CAUSE YOU CAN WASH 'EM.

101. YOU WASH 'EM, THEN YOU USE 'EM AGAIN.

102. OKAY, SO WE'RE GONNA THROW THE CUPS

103. BUT WE'RE KEEPING THE FORKS?

104. WE'RE GONNA KEEP 'EM...

105. 'CAUSE YOU CAN WASH 'EM.

106. AND YOU CAN TELL HOW OLD YOU ARE

107. BASED ON HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE FORKS.

108. 'CAUSE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I WAS LIKE, "THROW THE DAMN FORKS.

109. "WHO CARES, WE'LL GET MORE.

110. "ON BEHALF OF THE ENTIRE KIDDY TABLE, WE SAY,

111. "THE FORKS.

112. "THAT'S HOW WE FEEL ABOUT THE SITUATION.

113. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH."

114. SO, I'M SINGLE... THANK YOU.

115. I OFTEN THINK ABOUT MY FUTURE WIFE

116. AND HOW LAX SHE'S BEEN ABOUT GETTING IN TOUCH WITH ME.

117. I DON'T KNOW, BEING SINGLE IS KIND OF A STRUGGLE

118. BETWEEN LONELINESS AND EUPHORIA.

119. IT'S LIKE LONELINESS RIGHT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED AT NIGHT

120. AND EUPHORIA THE WHOLE REST OF THE DAY.

121. JUST REAL HAPPY, LIKE A BALANCE.

122. I HAVE FRIENDS WHO LIKE TO TELL ME ABOUT THEIR DREAMS.

123. YOU GUYS HAVE FRIENDS LIKE THAT, TELL YOU ABOUT THEIR DREAMS?

124. THEY'RE ALWAYS SO EXCITED, RIGHT?

125. PEOPLE ALWAYS GET SO EXCITED ABOUT THEIR DREAM.

126. EVERYONE THINKS THEIRS IS THE WEIRDEST.

127. "I HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM— NO, COME ON,

128. IT WAS SO WEIRD, COME ON."

129. AND IT'S ALWAYS THIS BORING STORY, RIGHT?

130. LIKE, "OH, WE WERE ON THIS BOAT GOING DOWN A RIVER,

131. "BUT IT WAS A RIVER OF GRAVY.

132. "HOW WEIRD IS THAT?

133. "AND WE WEREN'T USING AN OAR,

134. "IT WAS A Q-TIP.

135. HOW WEIRD IS THAT?"

136. YOU'RE LIKE, "IT ISN'T WEIRD AT ALL,

137. "IT'S BORING.

138. "THERE'S A REASON YOU WERE ASLEEP DURING THIS.

139. I'M DOZING OFF JUST LISTENING TO YA."

140. YEAH, MAN, THEY TELL YOU ABOUT THEIR DREAMS.

141. FRIENDS WILL TELL YOU ABOUT WHEN THEY'RE HUNGRY TOO, RIGHT?

142. THAT'S A BIG FRIEND THING, THEY GOTTA FILL YOU IN.

143. BUT THEY CAN NEVER JUST TELL YOU,

144. IT'S GOTTA BE THIS BIG, OVERLY DRAMATIC PRODUCTION.

145. LIKE, "DUDE...

146. "DUDE, I'M STARVIN', MAN.

147. DUDE, MAN, LOOK AT ME, I'M STARVIN' !"

148. RIGHT, THEN THEY GOTTA MAKE THAT LIST FOR YA?

149. "DUDE, ALL I HAD...

150. "ALL I HAD WAS A BAGEL AND A GRAPE.

151. DUDE..."

152. RIGHT— IT'S ALWAYS THOSE SAME KINDA THINGS.

153. LIKE A MUFFIN AND A RAISIN.

154. "COME ON, DUDE, I'M STARVIN', C'MON..."

155. YOU'RE LIKE, "WELL, EAT SOMETHING.

156. "EAT— WHAT AM I, SPONSORING YOU?

157. EAT, MAKE A SANDWICH."

158. NOBODY YOU KNOW STARVES, LIKE, "DID YOU HEAR ABOUT BOB?"

159. "NO, WHAT HAPPENED?"

160. "HE STARVED TO DEATH."

161. "OH, REALLY— I JUST SAW HIM, HE LOOKED GREAT."

162. "WELL, TURNS OUT ALL HE HAD WAS A BAGEL AND A GRAPE.

163. "YOU BELIEVE THAT?

164. "HE WAS ASKIN' FOR IT.

165. HE WAS ASKIN' FOR IT."

166. I USED TO TEACH, THAT'S WHAT I USED TO DO.

167. USED TO BE A MUSIC TEACHER.

168. YEAH.

169. WHAT, ARE YOU SOME OF MY FORMER STUDENTS OVER HERE?

170. IS THAT WHAT THAT IS?

171. I WISH.

172. THANK YOU, YEAH, I TAUGHT MUSIC FOR FIVE YEARS.

173. NEW YORK CITY ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS.

174. IT WAS WILD TO ME, MAN, JUST LIKE, IT'S SO STRANGE

175. FINDING YOURSELF IN CHARGE, YOU KNOW?

176. KIDS EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE ANSWERS TO THE STRANGEST THINGS.

177. KIDS COME RUNNIN' UP TO YOU,

178. "BILLY'S GOT A MARBLE IN HIS ASS."

179. "WHAT?

180. IN HIS ASS?"

181. "DID HE TRY TO BLOW IT OUT OR ANYTHING?

182. "I DON'T— TELL HIM TO HAVE ANOTHER TACO AT LUNCH.

183. "I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T—

184. "I DIDN'T READ THE CHAPTER ABOUT THE MARBLE IN THE ASS.

185. I DON'T KNOW."

186. YOU REMEMBER WHEN A KID PUKED IN GRAMMAR SCHOOL?

187. REMEMBER THAT, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE?

188. RIGHT— KIDS ARE LIKE DIVING UNDER DESKS,

189. JUST LIKE RUNNING FOR COVER.

190. NOBODY KNOWS— IT COULD BE YOUR BEST FRIEND,

191. YOU'RE LIKE, "HOLY CRAP, MAN!

192. "I DON'T EVEN THINK WE HAD PEAS AND CARROTS TODAY!

193. "WHAT— HOW DID HE DO THAT?

194. IT'S LIKE MAGIC."

195. THEN THE GUY COMES WITH A BUCKET OF SAWDUST, RIGHT?

196. WHAT IS HE, LIKE THE PUKE FAIRY?

197. WHAT IS THAT, MAN?

198. LIKE, "HAVE NO FEAR, CHILDREN,

199. "I AM THE PUKE FAIRY.

200. "MAKE A WISH, AND I WILL SWEEP IT UP.

201. I AM THE PUKE FAIRY."

202. PUKE FAIRY, KEEPIN' IT SAFE.

203. YOU REMEMBER LINING UP IN GRAMMAR SCHOOL?

204. LINING UP, MAN?

205. IT SHOULD TAKE LIKE TWO SECONDS.

206. IT TAKES ALL DAY.

207. RIGHT?

208. TEACHER'S LIKE, "WHEN I SEE A TABLE THAT IS READY TO LINE UP,

209. "I WILL CALL YOU.

210. "THIS COULD TAKE AS LONG AS YOU WOULD LIKE...

211. "EXCELLENT.

212. TABLE ONE, LINE UP."

213. AND TABLE ONE LOSES THEIR MINDS, LIKE, "WHAAAA!"

214. "TABLE ONE, SIT DOWN."

215. "AHH, COME ON..."

216. MY FAVORITE TEACHERS WERE ALWAYS THE ART TEACHERS, Y'KNOW?

217. I ALWAYS LOVED ART TEACHERS.

218. BECAUSE THEY WERE SO BIZARRE, RIGHT?

219. THEY WERE LIKE THE HOMELESS PEOPLE OF THE FACULTY.

220. RIGHT— ALL DISHEVELED, WEARIN' SMOCKS,

221. COVERED IN PAINT...

222. ALWAYS LIKE DIGGIN' THROUGH THE GARBAGE,

223. LOOKIN' FOR BOTTLES,

224. AND EGG CARTONS AND THINGS.

225. ALL DISORGANIZED, ALWAYS MAKIN' ANNOUNCEMENTS

226. WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY OUT THE DOOR ALREADY.

227. BE LIKE, "PEOPLE, PEOPLE!

228. "LISTEN UP, PEOPLE!

229. "GET HIM.

230. "PEOPLE...

231. "IF ANY OF YOUR NEIGHBORS OR RELATIVES

232. "HAVE ANY PAPER TOWEL ROLLS,

233. "START BRINGIN' 'EM IN.

234. "BRING 'EM IN, BRING 'EM IN.

235. "YEAH... YEAH.

236. "BRING 'EM IN.

237. WE'RE GONNA BE MAKING VASES FOR MOTHER'S DAY."

238. VASES.

239. THESE PEOPLE ARE LIKE FRIGGIN' MacGYVER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

240. AN EGG CARTON BECOMES A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS.

241. AND IT ALWAYS BACKFIRED ON ME BECAUSE AROUND MOTHER'S DAY,

242. MY MOM WOULD GET ALL DEPRESSED AND START YELLING AT US,

243. HOW WE WERE SELFISH, AND ONLY THOUGHT OF OURSELVES.

244. WHICH ONLY MADE IT WORSE,

245. 'CAUSE THEN YOU HAD TO WHIP OUT THE PAPER TOWEL ROLL,

246. LIKE, "UH-HUH...

247. "YOU WERE SAYING?

248. "AND I BELIEVE THIS PASTA-NECKLACE IS YOURS, TOO.

249. "I LOVE YA, MA.

250. NOW PUT ON THE RIGATONI."

251. SO I WAS WATCHING ONE OF THOSE HBO PRISON DOCUMENTARIES.

252. YOU EVER SEE THOSE?

253. BEHIND THE SCENES OF PRISON, MAN.

254. THEY TELL YOU ALL THE STUFF THAT GOES ON,

255. LIKE PRISON RAPE,

256. WHO'S WHOSE BITCH.

257. I DECIDED I DON'T WANNA GO TO PRISON.

258. I THINK IF A GUY EVER TRIED TO RAPE ME,

259. I WOULD IMMEDIATELY TRY TO RAPE HIM BACK.

260. Y'KNOW, IT'D BE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

261. "I'M RAPING YOU."

262. "WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY? GET AWAY FROM ME, MAN, I'M RAPING YOU.

263. WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS? GET THIS GUY OFF OF ME!"

264. FINALLY HE'D GET ALL FED UP,

265. LIKE, "I DON'T EVEN WANNA RAPE YOU ANYMORE!"

266. THEN WORD WOULD GET OUT ON THE CELL

267. THAT I WAS A DIFFICULT RAPE.

268. LIKE, "YEAH, HE TRIES TO RAPE YOU BACK!"

269. "REALLY— CAN HE DO THAT?"

270. "YEAH, HE DOES IT— HE LIKE FOLLOWS YOU AROUND, MAN!

271. IT'S LIKE— IT'S REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE!"

272. YEAH, MAN!

273. SO, YOU GUYS LIKE DOGS, WE HAVE A DOG CROWD HERE, YEAH?

274. COOL... YEAH?

275. I DON'T LIKE DOGS...

276. AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

277. THERE'S THIS BIG CLOUD OF LIES AND DECEIT SURROUNDING DOGS.

278. CREATED BY THEIR OWNERS.

279. THEY'RE ALWAYS MAKING EXCUSES FOR THE DOG'S BEHAVIOR.

280. "OH, SHE JUST LIKES YOU.

281. SHE'S BEING PLAYFUL."

282. "YEAH, WELL SHE'S BITIN' MY ASS.

283. "COULD YOU MAYBE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT?

284. BECAUSE JUST A HUNCH, I MAY NEED MY ASS."

285. IT'S LIKE THEY LOSE ALL ABILITY

286. TO GAUGE WHAT'S ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR

287. JUST BECAUSE IT'S A DOG.

288. LIKE IF MY GRANDMOTHER WAS JUMPING UP ON YOUR LAP,

289. LICKIN' YOUR CROTCH,

290. I WOULDN'T DISMISS IT WITH, "SHE JUST LIKES YA.

291. "SHE'S BEING PLAYFUL.

292. "GO ON, GRANDMA...

293. "LICK BALLS.

294. "GOOD GIRL, GOOD GIRL.

295. "WHO'S MY GRANDMA?

296. YES, YOU ARE, HA HA HEY... YEAH!"

297. OH, WE'RE A LITTLE SICKER THAN I THOUGHT, AREN'T WE?

298. YES, WE ARE.

299. SO YOU GUYS EVER HAVE SOMEBODY

300. CALL YOU BY THE WRONG NAME REPEATEDLY?

301. ALWAYS!

302. AND FOR WHATEVER REASON,

303. YOU NEVER BOTHER TO CORRECT THEM?

304. AFTER A WHILE YOU START TO KINDA LIKE IT?

305. MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS KNEW ME AS KEVIN FOR LIKE EIGHT YEARS.

306. I LOVED IT, UNTIL ONE DAY MY MOM SLIPPED

307. AND TOLD 'EM MY NAME WAS TED.

308. I WAS SO ANNOYED, I WAS LIKE, "MOM...

309. "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

310. "YOU KNOW I'M KEVIN!

311. THEY NEEDED ME TO BE KEVIN AND I WAS MORE THAN HAPPY."

312. AND IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING, THE NEXT TIME I SAW MY NEIGHBORS

313. THEY WERE LIKE, "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL US?"

314. AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU LIKED ME AS KEVIN.

315. "YOU ACCEPTED ME AS KEVIN.

316. "WHEN I WAS KEVIN THE WORLD WAS ALIVE

317. "AND EVERYTHING WAS BRAND NEW.

318. AND I'M JUST AFRAID TO LOSE ALL THAT NOW."

319. AND THEY SAID, "LOOK, WE LIKED YOU AS KEVIN,

320. WE'LL LIKE YOU AS TODD."

321. "I SUPPOSE YOU WILL."

322. A LOT OF DIFFERENT NAMES FOR EACH OTHER, RIGHT?

323. I LIKE ALL THE DIFFERENT NAMES WE HAVE FOR EACH OTHER.

324. ASIAN AMERICAN.

325. LATINO AMERICAN.

326. AFRICAN AMERICAN.

327. CAUCASIAN AMERICAN.

328. I'VE NEVER BEEN TO CAUCASIA...

329. BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL IT IS.

330. I WOULD LOVE TO VISIT THE MOTHERLAND SOMEDAY

331. IF SOMEBODY COULD POINT IT OUT ON A MAP.

332. HOW I LONG TO FROLIC AMONGST MY PEOPLE

333. AND DO THE DANCE OF THE CAUCASIAN.

334. SO I WAS WATCHING THIS AH, FIGURE SKATING SHOW.

335. YOU GUYS LIKE FIGURE SKATING?

336. YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT?

337. I LIKE WHEN THEY FALL.

338. RIGHT?

339. 'CAUSE YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOT GONNA WIN.

340. LIKE IF YOU FALL, I SAY JUST GET OFF THE ICE.

341. JUST TIP YOUR WEDGY ASS OFF THE ICE

342. AND HOPE THAT NOBODY NOTICES BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GONNA WIN.

343. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR PROGRAM,

344. BACK FLIPS,

345. DRIVE THE ZAMBONI,

346. MAKE SNOW CONES FOR THE JUDGES.

347. YOU'RE NOT GONNA WIN.

348. IT'S LIKE YOUR DRIVER'S TEST,

349. IF YOU HIT SOMEBODY,

350. PULL OVER, YOU'RE NOT GETTIN' YOUR LICENSE.

351. RESCHEDULE, YEAH.

352. SO I SAW SOMETHING FUNNY THE OTHER DAY.

353. I SAW A COP ON A BIKE, YOU'VE SEEN THIS, I'M SURE.

354. COP, MM...

355. ON A BIKE.

356. AREN'T WE GETTING A LITTLE TOO RECREATIONAL HERE?

357. I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT, THE COP ON A POGO STICK?

358. RIGHT? IT WOULD BE LIKE...

359. "PULL OVER!

360. DON'T MAKE ME CALL THE JUMP ROPE SQUAD."

361. I WOULD THINK THE SQUAD CAR COP

362. IS TO THE COP ON A BIKE

363. AS THE SKETCH ARTIST IS TO THE ETCH-A-SKETCH ARTIST.

364. IT'D BE LIKE, "OKAY, WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?

365. "OKAY...

366. "WAS HE GOING DOWN STAIRS, BY CHANCE?

367. "NO?

368. "OKAY, OKAY...

369. "WHAT'S THAT, HE HAD A SCAR?

370. WELL, YOU'VE GOTTA TELL ME THAT."

371. GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH, GOOD NIGHT!

372. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL