1. 1, 2, 3, 4!Copy !req
2. FROM NEW YORK CITY...Copy !req
3. WHEW!Copy !req
4. ALL RIGHT.Copy !req
5. HI, EVERYBODY.Copy !req
6. YEAH, SWEET.Copy !req
7. LOOKIN' NICE
AND FRESHLY WASHED.Copy !req
8. ALL RIGHT.Copy !req
9. WELL, HEY,
FIRST OF ALL,Copy !req
10. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY'S
OUR PRESIDENT, HMM?Copy !req
11. YEAH, YOU CAN SEE THE STRINGS,
MAN, ON THE CHEAP PUPPET SHOW.Copy !req
12. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO
SEE THE STRINGSCopy !req
13. ON THE CHEAP PUPPET SHOW.Copy !req
14. IT'S REALLY SAD THE FATE
OF THE NATION, THE ELECTION,Copy !req
15. WAS DECIDED IN
THE STATE OF FLORIDA,Copy !req
16. 'CAUSE I GREW UP
IN FLORIDA, EVERYBODY.Copy !req
17. AND UH...Copy !req
18. WELL, YOU SHOULD WAIT AND HEAR
WHAT I HAVE TO SAY
ABOUT IT FIRST.Copy !req
19. FLORIDA IS THE SECOND CHANCE
STATE, EVERYBODY.Copy !req
20. PEOPLE WHO'VE SCREWED UP
IN OTHER STATES MOVE TO FLORIDACopy !req
21. FOR THEIR SECOND CHANCE.Copy !req
22. THERE SHOULD BE A SIGNCopy !req
23. "WELCOME TO FLORIDA,
ROLLS DOWNHILL."Copy !req
24. PEOPLE IN FLORIDA SHOULD NOT
BE MAKING DECISIONS FOR
ANYBODY, MAN.Copy !req
25. THEY HAVE HURRICANES.Copy !req
26. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY TELL YA TO DO
WHEN A HURRICANE'S COMING?Copy !req
27. THEY TELL YA TO PUT MASKING TAPE
ON YOUR WINDOWS.Copy !req
28. TAPE, LIKE AN "X".Copy !req
29. "NO HURRICANE.Copy !req
30. NO, STAY AWAY."Copy !req
31. THEY ALSO TELL YOU TO FILL
YOUR BATHTUB FULL OF WATERCopy !req
32. SO YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF
FRESH DRINKING WATER.Copy !req
33. APPARENTLY, THESE PEOPLE HAVE
NEVER SEEN MY BATHTUB.Copy !req
34. I'D DRINK GASOLINE BEFORE
I'D DRINK ANYTHING OUT OF
THERE, MAN.Copy !req
35. ARE YOU KIDDING?Copy !req
36. I GOT GERMS THE SIZE OF
TURTLES FOR GOD'S SAKES.Copy !req
37. I AIN'T TAKIN' NO CHANCES
ON THE TURTLE GERMS.Copy !req
38. IN FLORIDA
THEY HAVE ALLIGATORS.Copy !req
39. ALLIGATORS NEVER EAT BIG PEOPLE
LIKE YOU AND I,Copy !req
40. THEY ONLY EAT
LITTLE CHILDREN.Copy !req
41. AND PETS.Copy !req
42. AND AS SAD AS THAT SOUNDS,Copy !req
43. WHENEVER THEY INTERVIEW THE
PARENTS ON THE NEWS AFTERWARDSCopy !req
44. YOU CAN ALWAYS KIND OF TELL
WHY THE KID GOT EATEN.Copy !req
45. "WELL, JUNIOR WAS AT THE
EDGE OF THE WATER.Copy !req
46. AND HE WAS POKIN' THIS ALLIGATOR
WITH A STICK."Copy !req
47. WE LOST A GOOD ONE,
I'M SURE.Copy !req
48. SURELY THE SPACE PROGRAM
WILL SUFFER...Copy !req
49. NOW THAT JUNIOR IS NO MORE.Copy !req
50. ALL RIGHT, WOO.Copy !req
51. SPEAKING OF THE
SPACE PROGRAM, MAN,Copy !req
52. WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY
I WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONAUT.Copy !req
53. THAT WAS LIKE
MY FIRST DREAM IN LIFE.Copy !req
54. WHATEVER HAPPENS TO CHILDHOOD
DREAMS LIKE THAT, HUH?Copy !req
55. HOW COME THIS AIN'T A ROOM FULL
OF BALLERINAS AND FIREMEN?Copy !req
56. I KNOW WHERE I LOST THE DESIRE
TO BE AN ASTRONAUT.Copy !req
57. I HEARD YOU HAVE TO BE GOOD
AT MATH AND I SUCK AT MATH.Copy !req
58. NATURALLY,
I'M FROM FLORIDA.Copy !req
59. AND I SUCK AT MATH
BECAUSE OF MR.--, MAN.Copy !req
60. MR.-- WAS MY
ALGEBRA TEACHER.Copy !req
61. IT'S MR.-- FAULT I'M NOT
EXPLORING THE MOON TODAY,Copy !req
62. 'CAUSE MR.-- WOULD ALWAYS
ROLL HIS CHALK IN HIS HANDCopy !req
63. WHEN HE WOULD
TALK TO THE CLASS.Copy !req
64. THEN WHEN HE'D TURN AROUND
TO WRITE ON THE CHALKBOARDCopy !req
65. HE'D ALWAYS DISCREETLY
SCRATCH HIS BALLS.Copy !req
66. AND HE WOULD ALWAYS
TURN AROUNDCopy !req
67. WITH THESE BIG CHALK
FINGERPRINTS.Copy !req
68. RIGHT ON HIS NUT SACK, MAN!Copy !req
69. AND I WAS ALWAYS
FAR TOO BUSYCopy !req
70. LAUGHING AT THE
CHALK FINGERPRINTSCopy !req
71. TO PAY ATTENTION TO ANY
OF THE MATH GOING ON.Copy !req
72. "TOM, WOULD YOU STAND AND TELL
THE CLASS WHAT 'X' MEANS?"Copy !req
73. "'X' MEANS IT'S TIME FOR YOU
TO SCRATCH YOUR BALLS AGAIN."Copy !req
74. THAT'S WHY HUMAN BEINGS
ARE NOT THE SMARTEST ANIMAL.Copy !req
75. I DON'T KNOW HOW WE GOT TO
THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN.Copy !req
76. MOST HUMAN BEINGS HAVE A SERIES
OF DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS
IN THEIR LIFETIME, RIGHT?Copy !req
77. DO YOU KNOW THAT MOST EVERY
ANIMAL IN THE KINGDOMCopy !req
78. HAS THE SAME MATE FOREVER,
DO YOU KNOW THAT?Copy !req
79. A WHALE—Copy !req
80. HAS THE SAME WHALE MATE FOR
ITS ENTIRE EXISTENCE, HA!Copy !req
81. A PENGUIN, MAN, A PENGUIN
HAS THE SAME LITTLE PENGUINCopy !req
82. FOR ITS WHOLE LITTLE
PENGUIN LIFE.Copy !req
83. THINK HOW MANY SCREWED UP
RELATIONSHIPS YOU'VE HAD.Copy !req
84. HOW MANY TIMES
YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT WORK.Copy !req
85. A PENGUIN CAN DO IT BETTER
THAN YOU CAN.Copy !req
86. THINK ABOUT IT, MAN,
A PENGUIN CAN LOOK OUT ONCopy !req
87. A SEA FULL OF 8 MILLION
OTHER PENGUINS,Copy !req
88. ALL LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.Copy !req
89. "THERE'S MY BABY!Copy !req
90. BAAABY-DOO!"Copy !req
91. PEOPLE BREAK UP.Copy !req
92. MY PARENTS ARE DIVORCED.Copy !req
93. IT WAS UGLY, MY PARENTS ARGUED
ALL THE TIME BEFORE
THEY GOT DIVORCED.Copy !req
94. I CAME HOME, MY PARENTS STARTED
WEARING THEIR WEDDING RINGS
ON THEIR MIDDLE FINGERS.Copy !req
95. "LOOK AT YOUR RING,
LOOK AT IT!"Copy !req
96. THAT'S WHY I DON'T
UNDERSTAND WHY ANYBODYCopy !req
97. WOULD EVER BEAT
THEIR CHILDREN,Copy !req
98. WHEN DAMAGING THEM
PSYCHOLOGICALLY IS
SO MUCH MORE PERMANENT.Copy !req
99. I'M SO SORRY IF YOU GOT
THAT JOKE.Copy !req
100. THAT MEANS YOU'RE FROM
A BROKEN HOME, TOO.Copy !req
101. MY PARENTS ARGUED
ALL THE TIME.Copy !req
102. I ALWAYS SWORE I WOULD NEVER
BE IN A RELATIONSHIPCopy !req
103. WITH SOMEONE
WHO LIKED TO ARGUE.Copy !req
104. BUT MY LAST GIRLFRIEND,
THAT'S ALL SHE LIKED TO DO.Copy !req
105. AND I SHOULD'VE KNOWN THERE WAS
TROUBLE ON THE FIRST DATE.Copy !req
106. MAN, WE'RE HAVING DINNER,
FROM ACROSS THE TABLE SHE GOES,Copy !req
107. "WHAT KIND OF DRUGS
DO YOU LIKE?"Copy !req
108. I THOUGHT, WHAT AN
HONEST QUESTION.Copy !req
109. I'LL GIVE HER
AN HONEST ANSWER.Copy !req
110. I SAID, "I REALLY LIKE
SMOKING WEED.Copy !req
111. "AND ONCE A YEAR
FOR SPIRITUAL PURPOSES,Copy !req
112. "I LIKE TO DO MUSHROOMS.Copy !req
113. "AND IF I'M WITH THE RIGHT
PEOPLE AT THE RIGHT TIME,Copy !req
114. ECSTASY'S ALWAYS FUN!"Copy !req
115. AND SHE LOOKED AT ME WITH
THIS BLANK LOOK ON HER FACE
AND SAID,Copy !req
116. "I SAID, WHAT KIND OF
DOGS DO YOU LIKE?"Copy !req
117. OOPS.Copy !req
118. I DON'T LIKE DOGS.Copy !req
119. UNLESS THEY'VE GOT A BAG OF WEED
TIED TO THEIR COLLAR.Copy !req
120. HERE, POOCHY,
POOCHY, POOCHY!Copy !req
121. I'M SEEING A NICE GIRL
RIGHT NOW, I HOPE IT WORKS.Copy !req
122. I DON'T EVER
WANNA BE SINGLE.Copy !req
123. IT'S FRIGHTENING BEING SINGLE
IN TODAY'S WORLD, HUH?Copy !req
124. WITH DISEASES
THAT'LL KILL YOU.Copy !req
125. DOING ANYTHING
WITH ANYBODY NOWCopy !req
126. YOU GOTTA SPEND THE WHOLE
NEXT DAY PRAYIN' AND SCRUBBIN'.Copy !req
127. "OH, LORD, OH, LORD!Copy !req
128. "I'LL WASH EVERYTHING
AGAIN REAL GOOD, LORD.Copy !req
129. I'LL CLEAN MY POOPY HOLE
REAL GOOD, LORD."Copy !req
130. 'CAUSE THE LORD LIKES A CLEAN
POOPY HOLE, EVERYBODY.Copy !req
131. WHAT A THRILL TO BE A MEMBER OF
THE CONDOM GENERATION, HMM?Copy !req
132. DON'T YOU REALIZE
EVERY HUMAN BEINGCopy !req
133. IN THE HISTORY
OF HUMAN BEINGSCopy !req
134. GOT TO FEEL WHAT IT FELT LIKE
TO MAKE LOVE NATURALLYCopy !req
135. AND I... PUT A BALLOON
ON MY.Copy !req
136. WHAT A HAPPY PERIOD IN HUMAN
HISTORY TO BE LIVING THROUGH.Copy !req
137. AND THAT OH SO ROMANTIC MOMENTCopy !req
138. "EXCUSE ME, LOVER,Copy !req
139. "WHILE I ROLL A BALLOON
ON MY ...Copy !req
140. "AND TRY TO KEEP
AN ERECTIONCopy !req
141. "THROUGH THE SHAME
AND EMBARRASSMENT...Copy !req
142. OF YOU WATCHING ME ROLL
A BALLOON ON MY."Copy !req
143. BECAUSE WHO KNOWS WHERE YOU'VE
BEEN, YOU LITTLE TRAMP.Copy !req
144. WHERE IS THE
DIGNITY, MAN, HMM?Copy !req
145. LAST YEAR I HAD
A PURPLE CONDOM.Copy !req
146. I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS PURPLE,
I JUST OPENED THE PACKAGECopy !req
147. AND IT POPPED OUT
AND IT WAS PURPLE.Copy !req
148. COME ON, SOMETHING LIKE THAT
SHOULD BE CLEARLY MARKED,Copy !req
149. DON'T YOU AGREE?Copy !req
150. I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT TO BE
REAL CLOSE WITH A WOMANCopy !req
151. TO COME AT HER WITH
A PURPLE.Copy !req
152. IF YOU DIDN'T WRITE
"WHEN DOVES CRY"...Copy !req
153. YOU BETTER NOT BE POKING A
PURPLE AT ANYBODY.Copy !req
154. OR UNLESS YOU'RE "BARNEY"
THE CHILDREN'S DINOSAUR.Copy !req
155. YOU KNOW, HEY,Copy !req
156. AS LONG AS IT'S
COLOR COORDINATED.Copy !req
157. OH, NEW YORK, IT'S SO NICE
TO BE BACK HERE.Copy !req
158. I HAVEN'T, UH, I LIVED HERE AND
MOVED OUT ABOUT A YEAR AGO.Copy !req
159. AND, UH, NEW YORK
KICKS ASS, MAN, YEAH.Copy !req
160. I DON'T LIKE THAT REALLY THICK
NEW YORK ACCENT.Copy !req
161. YOU KNOW, THAT "HEY, YO,
WHAT'S A MATTA WIT YOU,Copy !req
162. YOU FRIGGIN' JACK OFF?"
RIGHT, THAT KIND OF...Copy !req
163. THERE COULD BE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLDCopy !req
164. IF SHE HAD THAT ACCENT, IT WOULD
JUST KILL IT, YOU KNOW?Copy !req
165. "HEY, YO, YOU GONNA TAKE
MY BRA OFF OR WHAT?"Copy !req
166. "SHH, SHH!
DON'T SPEAK."Copy !req
167. "HEY, DON'T SHUSH ME,Copy !req
168. I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA DO IT
ALREADY OR SUMPIN'."Copy !req
169. I'VE BEEN PLAYING,Copy !req
170. I'VE BEEN PERFORMING IN EUROPE
A LOT, EVERYBODY.Copy !req
171. I'VE BEEN PLAYING IN—
I WAS JUST IN ENGLAND.Copy !req
172. AND THAT'S A REAL
HONOR FOR MECopy !req
173. TO GO TO THE
HONKY MOTHERLANDCopy !req
174. AND GET IN TOUCH WITH THE ORIGIN
OF THE DORKY HONKY-NESSCopy !req
175. AND WHERE IT COMES FROM,
YOU KNOW?Copy !req
176. THEY'RE HARD ON
AMERICANS THOUGH, MAN.Copy !req
177. THEY HECKLE YOU IN ENGLAND
AS AN AMERICANCopy !req
178. FOR THINGS YOU HAVE NO IDEA.Copy !req
179. "SCREW YOU AND THE
PANAMA CANAL TREATY OF 1874!"Copy !req
180. "THAT'S GOT NOTHIN'
TO DO WITH— HUH?"Copy !req
181. THEY'RE HARD ON
AMERICANS, MAN.Copy !req
182. THEY FIND OUT
YOU'RE AMERICANCopy !req
183. ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU BECOME
THE SUGGESTION BOX FOR AMERICA.Copy !req
184. PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING
THAT THEY THINK IS WRONG
WITH AMERICA.Copy !req
185. "OH, YOU'RE AMERICAN?Copy !req
186. AMERICANS ARE FAT
AND STUPID AND LAZY."Copy !req
187. LIKE I'M GONNACopy !req
188. "COME HERE, EVERYBODY,
HUDDLE UP!Copy !req
189. COME HERE,
I GOT A MESSAGE!"Copy !req
190. SCREW THEM, MAN.Copy !req
191. I COULDN'T FIND ENGLISH MUFFINS
THE WHOLE TIME I WAS THERE.Copy !req
192. IT WAS STUPID.Copy !req
193. DON'T CALL IT A ENGLISH MUFFIN
IF YOU CAN'T FIND IT IN ENGLAND.Copy !req
194. THE FOOD IS TERRIBLE IN ENGLAND,
THAT'S NO JOKE.Copy !req
195. IF YOU GO THERE, DON'T EVEN
BRING A CHANGE OF CLOTHES.Copy !req
196. WEAR WHAT YOU'VE GOT ONCopy !req
197. AND BRING A SUITCASE
FULL OF SANDWICHES.Copy !req
198. THEY GOT THIS
ENGLISH BREAKFAST, MAN.Copy !req
199. BEWARE— WHAT MAKES IT
AN ENGLISH BREAKFAST,Copy !req
200. THEY POUR BAKED BEANS
ALL OVER YOUR EGGS.Copy !req
201. PRECISELY.Copy !req
202. WHAT AN INCONSIDERATE WAY
TO START YOUR DAY.Copy !req
203. WITH A BUNCH OF ASS FUEL.Copy !req
204. THE FIRST TIME I WAS
IN ENGLAND, MAN,Copy !req
205. AND MY EGGS SHOWED UP
WITH BEANS ALL OVER IT.Copy !req
206. "WAITER, THERE'S BEEN
A MISHAP IN THE KITCHEN.Copy !req
207. AH, SOMEONE MUST
HAVE STUMBLED."Copy !req
208. AND THE DUDE GETS
ALL SASSY WITH ME, MAN.Copy !req
209. "NO, THAT'S ENGLISH BREAKFAST,
THAT'S HOW IT COMES."Copy !req
210. WELL, THE GERMANS SHOULD'VE
DROPPED COOKBOOKS ON YOU
MOTHER.Copy !req
211. ENGLAND'S COOL THOUGH
'CAUSE THEY DRINK A LOT,Copy !req
212. AND I LOVE DRINKIN', MAN.Copy !req
213. YEAH.Copy !req
214. WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE TRUTH?Copy !req
215. HELL YEAH.Copy !req
216. DRINKIN' BOOZE
IS DELICIOUS.Copy !req
217. IN AMERICA, ALL YOU EVER GET IS
THE NEGATIVE SIDE TO DRINKIN'.Copy !req
218. "HE GOT DRUNK AND KILLED
A BUSLOAD OF CHILDREN."Copy !req
219. C'MON, MAN.Copy !req
220. IT'S TIME SOMEONE POINTED OUT
THE GOOD IN ALL, HUH?Copy !req
221. DRINKING CREATES
CONVERSATION, RIGHT?Copy !req
222. YOU GOTTA CALL PEOPLE THE
NEXT DAY AND APOLOGIZE TO THEM.Copy !req
223. HEY... THAT'S GOOD
FOR FRIENDSHIPS.Copy !req
224. "HEY, SORRY I PEED
ON YOUR DOG, MAN.Copy !req
225. "I THOUGHT IT WOULD LIVEN UP
THE PARTY AT THE TIME.Copy !req
226. WHO KNEW YOU'D
BE SO ANGRY?"Copy !req
227. I LIKE TO DRINK
AND HANG OUT, MAN.Copy !req
228. I DON'T LIKE TO DO
SHOTS OF HARD LIQUOR.Copy !req
229. 'CAUSE I CAN'T DO IT COOL.Copy !req
230. WHENEVER I DO A SHOT I ALWAYS
MAKE THAT BOOZE GRIMACE.Copy !req
231. YOU KNOW THAT FACE?Copy !req
232. THAT'S WHY I COULDA NEVER BEEN
A SHERIFF IN THE OLD WEST.Copy !req
233. "HEY, I THOUGHT I
TOLD YOU OUTLAWS,Copy !req
234. YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF TOWN
OR DEAL WITH ME."Copy !req
235. "HALT.Copy !req
236. "STOP IT, BAD MAN.Copy !req
237. FREEZE IN
YOUR TRACKS."Copy !req
238. I GOT BAD HABITS.Copy !req
239. I SMOKE CIGARETTES, BUT HEY,
THERE'S WORSE HABITS, YOU KNOW.Copy !req
240. THOSE COUNTRY HILLBILLIES DO
THAT TOBACCO STUFF IN THEIR LIP,Copy !req
241. THAT— STUFF.Copy !req
242. I DON'T KNOW WHAT SENSATION
IT GIVES THEM,Copy !req
243. MAYBE IT HELPS THEM HATE
MINORITIES BETTER,Copy !req
244. OR SOMETHING, RIGHT?Copy !req
245. BUT UH... I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU SAW THIS, MAN.Copy !req
246. THEY HAD A DUDE ON T.V.
LAST YEAR.Copy !req
247. AH, "20/20" OR ONE OF
THOSE SHOWS, RIGHT,Copy !req
248. AND THE DUDE HAD DONE
THAT STUFF, THE TOBACCO,Copy !req
249. AND HE GOT CANCER AND
THEY HAD TO REMOVE HIS JAW.Copy !req
250. DID ANYBODY
SEE THAT?Copy !req
251. OH, IT WAS GRUESOME.Copy !req
252. THE DUDE HAD NO CHIN.
DUUUDE HAD NO CHIIIN!Copy !req
253. HIS LIPS JUST WENT—Copy !req
254. STRAIGHT DOWN TO
HIS CHEST, MAN.Copy !req
255. AND HE WAS ON T.V.
BEING INTERVIEWED GOING,Copy !req
256. "I DIDN'T EXPECT IT
TO HAPPEN."Copy !req
257. I'M LOOKING AT THIS GUY
AND I'M THINKING,Copy !req
258. HOW DOES THIS GUY
FOLD PILLOWCASES?Copy !req
259. SO, UNLESS YOU WANT
AN UNRULY LINEN CLOSET...Copy !req
260. STAY AWAY FROM THAT.Copy !req
261. ALL RIGHT.Copy !req
262. HEY, LET'S VISIT
THE GLOBE, HMM?Copy !req
263. OUR LITTLE FRAGILE BLUE MARBLE
OF THE EARTH.Copy !req
264. AH, CHINA.Copy !req
265. WE SIGNED A FREE TRADE AGREEMENT
WITH CHINA LAST YEAR, EVERYBODY.Copy !req
266. DOESN'T MATTER, THEY MAKE
EVERYTHING IN CHINA ANYWAY.Copy !req
267. YOU KNOW, WHENEVER YOU BUY
SOME CHEAP, GOOFY STUFF,Copy !req
268. IT ALWAYS SAYS
"MADE IN CHINA" ON IT.Copy !req
269. I THINK CHINA MUST BE THIS
REALLY MAGICAL PLACE, YOU KNOW?Copy !req
270. 'CAUSE THEY MAKE EVERYTHING
WEIRD AND GOOFY THERE.Copy !req
271. I GOT THIS IMAGE OF CHINA—Copy !req
272. LIKE YOU COULD BE IN ANY CITY
IN CHINA AT LIKE, SEVEN A.M.Copy !req
273. AND EVERYBODY'S
HEADING OFF TO WORK.Copy !req
274. YOU'D OVERHEAR STUFF LIKE,
"HEY, XING LAU...Copy !req
275. HAVE FUN AT THE SILLY
JESTER HAT FACTORY."Copy !req
276. "YEAH, MAN, ARE YOU STILL AT THE
BEAN BAG CHAIR ASSEMBLY PLANT?"Copy !req
277. "NAH, THAT COMPANY DECIDED
TO CHANGE DIRECTIONS.Copy !req
278. I'M MAKING THEM LITTLE
FINGER CUFFS NOW."Copy !req
279. AMERICA HAS A UNIQUE WAY OF
SCREWING PEOPLE UP, YOU KNOW?Copy !req
280. I WAS IN TEXAS A COUPLE
OF MONTHS AGO,Copy !req
281. I MET A WHITE SUPREMACIST.Copy !req
282. ARE THERE ANY WHITE
SUPREMACISTS HERE?Copy !req
283. THEY NEVER GO TO
COMEDY SHOWS.Copy !req
284. HOW ARE YOU GONNA
REACH THESE PEOPLE?Copy !req
285. WHAT A SILLY CONCEPT—
A WHITE MASTER RACE.Copy !req
286. ANYBODY WHO STUDIED
BIOLOGY KNOWS,Copy !req
287. THE MORE YOU MIX
THE GENETIC CODECopy !req
288. THE STRONGER OUR IMMUNE SYSTEMS
WILL BECOME TO FIGHT DISEASES.Copy !req
289. AND WE'LL ALL ACTUALLY
LIVE LONGER AS A PEOPLECopy !req
290. IF YOU MIX THE RACES.Copy !req
291. KEEP MIXING THE RACES
UNTIL WE'RE ALL THE SAME
GRAYISH COLOR.Copy !req
292. THEN THERE'LL BE
NO MORE RACISMCopy !req
293. ONCE WE'RE ALL
THE SAME SHADE, MAN.Copy !req
294. "HEY, GRAY."Copy !req
295. "WHO YOU CALLING
'GRAY', GRAY?"Copy !req
296. AND THEN WE'LL ACTUALLY
BE ABLE TO HATE SOMEONECopy !req
297. FOR THE PERSON THAT THEY ARE.Copy !req
298. IT'S EASY FOR ME
TO SAY MIX THE RACES,Copy !req
299. 'CAUSE I'M A BUNCH OF
DIFFERENT RACES, AND AH...Copy !req
300. LIKE WHEN I LIVED
IN NEW YORK CITYCopy !req
301. AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE THESE
ETHNIC DAY PARADES.Copy !req
302. I WOULD GET ENVIOUS,
I ADMIT IT, MAN.Copy !req
303. I'D WATCH THESE PARADES
AND GO, "HUH...Copy !req
304. MAYBE ONE DAY
MY PEOPLE."Copy !req
305. YOU NEVER SEE
A PARADE FOR ME.Copy !req
306. YOU NEVER SEE A QUARTER ENGLISH,
QUARTER FRENCH, QUARTER ITALIAN,Copy !req
307. QUARTER DON'T-KNOW-WHAT-THE-HELL
YOU-REALLY-ARE PARADE.Copy !req
308. HEY, IT'S CONFUSED BASTARD
HONKY DAY PARADE.Copy !req
309. I'M A QUARTER EVERYTHING.Copy !req
310. MY ANCESTORS SCREWED
ABOUT EVERYBODY.Copy !req
311. I WISH I HAD SOME MELANIN SO I
DON'T BURN SO BAD AT THE BEACH.Copy !req
312. OH, THANK GOD,
YOU GOT THAT.Copy !req
313. THEY DIDN'T GET THAT PART
IN TEXAS AT ALL, MAN.Copy !req
314. "MELANIN?
WHAT'S MELANIN?"Copy !req
315. EVERYBODY SHOULD KNOW WHAT
MELANIN IS, MAN.Copy !req
316. I THINK THAT'S WHERE
RACISM COMES FROM.Copy !req
317. WHITE PEOPLE ARE JEALOUS
OF PEOPLE WITH MELANIN.Copy !req
318. YES, THAT'S WHERE
ALL THE HATRED STARTED.Copy !req
319. IT COMES FROM
THOUSANDS OF YEARSCopy !req
320. OF WHITE PEOPLE GETTING
SUNBURNT AT THE BEACH.Copy !req
321. IT COMES FROM WHITE PEOPLE
GETTING ALL PINK AND FLAKY
AND CRISPY.Copy !req
322. "OW, OW, OW,
DON'T TOUCH ME!Copy !req
323. "DAMNIT!Copy !req
324. "PEOPLE WITH MELANIN
DON'T HAVE THIS PROBLEM!Copy !req
325. I'LL GIVE THEM LOWER WAGES!"Copy !req
326. THAT'S HOW IT STARTED, MAN.Copy !req
327. A BAD BURN,
A LONG TIME AGO.Copy !req
328. THAT'S HOW IT STARTED.Copy !req
329. I'VE BEEN SPENDING A LOT
OF TIME IN EUROPE, MAN.Copy !req
330. I'VE BEEN ACTUALLY DATING
A GIRL IN AMSTERDAM.Copy !req
331. YEAH, LIFE'S TERRIBLE
RIGHT NOW.Copy !req
332. IT'S LIKE I WENT TO AMSTERDAM
A FEW YEARS AGOCopy !req
333. AND I WAS HOPING I COULD
MEET A CUTE DUTCH GIRL.Copy !req
334. YOU KNOW HOW YOUR
IMAGINATION GOES CRAZYCopy !req
335. WHEN YOU'RE ON VACATION?Copy !req
336. I WAS LIKE, "MAYBE I COULD
LIVE IN A WINDMILL.Copy !req
337. HEY, MAYBE I COULD BE
A TULIP FARMER, YOU KNOW?"Copy !req
338. BUT THERE'S A BIG
MISCONCEPTION ABOUT AMSTERDAM.Copy !req
339. A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK ALL DRUGS
ARE LEGAL IN AMSTERDAM,Copy !req
340. AND THAT IS NOT THE TRUTH.Copy !req
341. ONLY MARIJUANA,
HASH AND MUSHROOMS.Copy !req
342. AND THEY HAVE STIFFER PENALTIES
FOR HARDER DRUGS,Copy !req
343. LIKE COCAINE AND HEROIN,
THAN WE DO,Copy !req
344. AND THEY HAVE THE LOWEST
PERCENTAGE OF DRUG ADDICTS
IN ALL OF EUROPE.Copy !req
345. SO ANYWAY...Copy !req
346. I WAS IN AMSTERDAM LAST SUMMER,
AND I HAD A HEADACHECopy !req
347. AND I WAS ON MY WAY TO THE
DRUGSTORE TO GET SOME ASPIRIN.Copy !req
348. AND I REMEMBERED,
"HEY, MUSHROOMS ARE LEGAL HERE.Copy !req
349. I COULD TURN THIS HEADACHE
INTO A MAGIC CARPET RIDE."Copy !req
350. NOW, I WANT THE CHILDREN AT HOME
TO SEE THROUGH THE STORYCopy !req
351. AND SEE THAT IT'S REALLY
A BAD STORY THAT I'M TELLING.Copy !req
352. THIS IS REALLY AN UH, UH,
"SAY NO TO DRUGS" PIECE.Copy !req
353. SO I GOT SOME MUSHROOMS...Copy !req
354. AND I'M TRIPPIN'
MY BALLS OFF.Copy !req
355. IT'S A NICE HOT, WARM,
SUMMER NIGHT, MAN.Copy !req
356. THERE'S THIS BEAUTIFUL PARK,
VONDEL PARK.Copy !req
357. IT'S LIKE THE CENTRAL PARK
OF AMSTERDAM.Copy !req
358. AND I'M JUST RUNNIN' THROUGH
THIS PARK, MAN.Copy !req
359. I'M FEELIN' BEAUTIFUL.Copy !req
360. I KICKED OFF MY SHOES,
I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE SHOES.Copy !req
361. I JUST LEFT THEM
AND I'M RUNNIN'...Copy !req
362. I'M FEELIN' BEAUTIFUL.Copy !req
363. I LOOK AROUND,
NO ONE'S IN THIS PARK.Copy !req
364. I JUST START
RIPPING OFF MY CLOTHES.Copy !req
365. I'M RUNNING NAKED
THROUGH THIS PARK.Copy !req
366. I'M COMMUNICATING
WITH THE ONE TRUE GOD...Copy !req
367. THE LITTLE PLANTS
WERE TALKING TO ME...Copy !req
368. TELLING ME I WAS SAFE IN GOD'S
PERFECTLY BALANCED UNIVERSE.Copy !req
369. AND THAT THEY'D
WATCH MY SHOES.Copy !req
370. HOW COME YOU NEVER SEE THAT
PICTURE WHEN YOU'RE IN SCHOOL?Copy !req
371. REMEMBER WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG
AND IN SCHOOLCopy !req
372. AND THEY SHOW YOU A PICTURE
OF SOMEONE ON DRUGS?Copy !req
373. HE'S ALWAYS IN AN ALLEY,
MANGLED AND SCREWED UP, RIGHT?Copy !req
374. HE'S GOT ONE SHOE ON
AND LEAVES IN HIS HAIR.Copy !req
375. THEY NEVER SHOW YOU
THE HAPPY,Copy !req
376. RUNNING-NAKED-THROUGH-
THE-PARK-PICTURE, MAN.Copy !req
377. HEY, I'VE ENJOYED MYSELF
THOROUGHLY,Copy !req
378. THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
EVERYBODY.Copy !req
379. Captioning made possible by
COMEDY CENTRALCopy !req