Comedy Central Presents 5x2

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Maria Bamford is a small town girl who hits the big time in this Comedy Central Presents stand-up special.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

2. ANNOUNCER>> FROM NEW YORK CITY,

3. MARIA BAMFORD.

4. MARIA>> WHOA!

5. YEAH!

6. OH, MAN!

7. THIS IS AWESOME.

8. YOU GUYS ROCK.

9. HOLY COW.

10. THIS IS MY FIRST TIME IN

11. NEW YORK, SO THIS IS AWESOME.

12. THIS IS HOW IT ALWAYS IS?

13. AW, MAN.

14. UM.

15. I'M, UM, I'M FROM A LITTLE

16. LAKE PICWAM, MINNESOTA.

17. I'D LIKE TO SEND A LITTLE SHOUT

18. OUT TO ALL ME PEEPS.

19. LITTLE LAKE PICWAM.

20. MINNWESOINA HIS AT.

21. UM.

22. AH, YEAH.

23. I JUST MOVED ACTUALLY TO

24. LOS ANGELES AND I SOMETIMES

25. I STILL GET A LITTLE HOME SICK.

26. AND THAT'S WHEN I LIKE TO PUT ON

27. MY LED ZEPPLIN CD, PLUG IN MY

28. CURLING IRON, AND JUST GET FULL

29. ON, BALLS TO THE WALL, PRETTY.

30. YEAH.

31. OH, BUT IT IS HARD IN L.A.,

32. THOUGH.

33. THE STANDARDS.

34. WHERE I COME FROM I AM A

35. GODDESS.

36. I JUST SLAP ON SOME BLUE EYE

37. SHADOW AND I HEAD OUT.

38. L.A.

39. IT'S HARD THOUGH, YOU KNOW?

40. IT USE TO BE IN L.A., YOU USE TO

41. HAD TO BE SKINNY.

42. I GOT THAT DOWN, THOUGH,

43. YOU KNOW?

44. NOW IT'S LIKE YOU GOT TO HAVE

45. MUSCLE TONE, THOUGH.

46. SO IT'S ALL I'M TIRED AND HUNGRY

47. AND I HAVE TO GO WORK OUT.

48. PRETTY SOON, I BET IT'S GOING

49. TO BE IMPOSSIBLE.

50. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BE

51. MORBIDLY OBESE, WHILE

52. MAINTAINING THOSE TINY LITTLE

53. TWEETY BIRD ANKLES AND A

54. WANDERING EYE.

55. MY MANAGER, HE GOT ME A

56. SUBSCRIPTION TO SOME LADIES

57. MAGAZINES, SO I COULD GET SOME

58. BEAUTY TIPS.

59. AND IT TURNS OUT I NEED ONLY ONE

60. MAGAZINE 'CAUSE THEY HAVE THE

61. SAME ARTICLE EVERY MONTH.

62. THOSE OF LIKE "30 WAYS TO SHAPE

63. UP FOR SUMMER."

64. "NUMBER ONE- EAT LESS.

65. NUMBER TWO- EXERCISE MORE.

66. NUMBER THREE— NUMBER THREE"...

67. WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?

68. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

69. I THINK EVERYBODY DESERVES

70. TO HAVE YOUR OWN MAGAZINE WHERE

71. YOU'RE IN EVERY PICTURE, LOOKING

72. SUPERFINE, AND EVERY ARTICLE IS

73. ASKING YOU HOW YOU CAN POSSIBLY

74. MAINTAIN YOUR PERFECT 32 AA

75. 32 INCH WAIST.

76. 32 AA, CAN I GET A WITNESS FORM

77. MY GIRLFRIENDS IN JAPAN, COME

78. ON.

79. YEAH, IT IS TRUE ABOUT THE

80. 32 AA.

81. THERE EXQUISITE RARE MINIATURES.

82. I ACTUALLY THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING

83. BREASTS IMPLANTS, BECAUSE I AM A

84. RADICAL MILITANT FEMINIST AND A

85. HYPOCRITE IT TURNS OUT.

86. LIKE MY NEIGHBOR, SHE HAS THEM

87. AND, BUT SHE HAS THEM FOR WORK

88. BECAUSE SHE'S IN PORN.

89. I USE TO LOOK DOWN ON THAT

90. STUFF.

91. YOU KNOW?

92. BUT I REALIZED I'M JUST JEALOUS

93. BECAUSE NO ONE HAS EVER OFFERED

94. ME MONEY TO HAVE SEX.

95. SURE LIKE A BUD LIGHT AND A

96. BASKET OF CURLY FRIES,

97. BUT NOT CASH.

98. THAT HURTS.

99. THERE'S ALSO LIKE THESE

100. DOCUMENTARIES ON TV WHERE

101. THEY'LL HAVE SOME WOMAN NAMED

102. JUICE BOX SAYING HOW GREAT

103. THE SEX INDUSTRY IS.

104. "I WASN'T ABUSED AS A CHILD,

105. I DON'T DO DRUGS, I JUST LOVE

106. SEX.

107. I'M JUST A VERY SEXUAL PERSON.

108. AND WORKING IN AN UNREGULATED

109. INDUSTRY THAT PROVIDES NO LEGAL

110. RECOURSE SHOULD I BE REPEATEDLY

111. VICTIMIZED, GOD IT MAKES ME FEEL

112. HOT.

113. I LIKE TO DO A LOT OF VOICE IN

114. MY ACT.

115. MY MOM TOLD ME, SHE SAID,

116. "MARIA, IF A BOY DOESN'T LIKE

117. YOU, OK, IT IS JUST BECAUSE HE

118. IS INTIMIDATED BY YOUR BEAUTY,

119. BECAUSE YOU ARE THE MOST

120. BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WHOLE

121. WORLD.

122. AND IF YOU WOULD STOP DOING

123. IMPERSONATION OF ME MAYBE OTHER

124. PEOPLE COULD SEE THAT."

125. I HAD A HARD TIME WHEN I FIRST

126. MOVED TO L.A.

127. I HAD LIKE SHOW BIZ TYPES.

128. LIKE MY AGENT WAS JUST LIKE,

129. SHE'S LIKE, "MARIA, WHEN I FIRST

130. MET YOU I WAS CONCERNED I WAS

131. GOING TO BE ANNOYED BY YOU.

132. BECAUSE YOU HAVE A HIGH,

133. GRADING, CHILDLIKE VOICE.

134. AND YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT ABOUT

135. YOURSELF."

136. MY OWN VOICE DOESN'T COMMAND

137. THE RESPECT AND THE ATTENTION

138. THAT I BELIEVE I DESERVE.

139. YOU KNOW?

140. I GO INTO A SHOP AND I'LL BE

141. LIKE, "HI. EXCUSE ME.

142. CAN I GET SOME—

143. "OH, NO LITTLE GIRL, WE'RE NOT

144. SERVING LITTLE GIRLS TODAY."

145. BUT IF I GO ON AND BE LIKE,

146. "HI.

147. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

148. CINDY?

149. "CINDY, I NEED TO SPEAK WITH

150. YOUR MANAGER.

151. THANKS A LOT SWEETHEART."

152. MARIA>> WHEN I WAS A KID,

153. I LIKED TO MIMIC COMMERCIALS

154. A LOT.

155. AND THERE'S THIS GREAT

156. COMMERCIAL OUT RIGHT NOW WHERE

157. IT'S FOR MAKEUP.

158. AND IT'S MELANIE GRIFFITH

159. AND SHE'S GETTING ALL MAD.

160. SHE'S LIKE, SHE'S LIKE,

161. "DON'T DENY YOUR AGE, DEFY IT."

162. IT'S LIKE, TAKING ON THE BEAUTY

163. BUSINESS FROM THE INSIDE.

164. YOU GO 'WORKING GIRL.'

165. I WANT, I WANT TO DO ONE.

166. I'D BE LIKE, "MY OLD LIP COLOR

167. COULD BARELY KEEP UP WITH MY

168. BUSY SCHEDULE.

169. OH, AND THE TIME IT TAKES TO

170. NOTICE THE WIDE DISCREPANCY

171. BETWEEN MY SALARY AND THAT OF MY

172. MALE PEERS I WOULD HAVE TO

173. REAPPLY.

174. OH, AND THE SECONDS TO COUNT

175. THE NUMBER OF WOMAN IN HIGH

176. POLITICAL OFFICES SEATED ON

177. CORPORATED EXECUTIVE BOARDS AND

178. FEATURED IN FILM AND TELEVISION

179. OF THE AGE OF FORTY.

180. MY LIP COLOR WOULD BE AS

181. INVISIBLE AS THIS GLASS CEILING

182. ONLY INCHES ABOVE MY HEAD.

183. YEAH.

184. "HEY, BECAUSE I AM WORTH IT.

185. AND BECAUSE HOLDING MYSELF TO AN

186. IMPOSSIBLE STANDARD OF BEAUTY,

187. KEEPS ME FROM STARTING A RIOT."

188. I LOVE TV.

189. MY FAVORITE SHOW, I DON'T KNOW

190. IF YOU GUYS HAVE SEEN THIS ON

191. E! CELEBRITY HOMES WITH

192. SUSANNE SENA.

193. THAT'S A GREAT SHOW.

194. THEY'LL HAVE LIKE SOME

195. TV CELEBRITY.

196. LIKE MEREDITH BAXTER BERNIE

197. WALKING AROUND HER CASTLE.

198. SHE JUST SAYING STUFF LIKE,

199. "UM, THIS IS THE KITCHEN.

200. THIS IS WHERE MY HEART IS.

201. MY HUSBAND AND I, WE DECIDED TO

202. MOVE TO MALIBU BECAUSE WE JUST

203. LOVE THE FRESH AIR AND THE

204. OCEAN.

205. AND TO WALK OUT TO OUR OWN

206. PRIVATE BEACH WAS REALLY

207. IMPORTANT TO US.

208. BUT, AH—

209. LET'S GO TAKE A LOOK AT

210. THE VIEW."

211. SEE I WANT TO HAVE MY OWN SHOW

212. CALLED 'COMEDIAN HOMES'.

213. WE JUST GO TO THE APARTMENTS OF

214. MY FRIENDS.

215. "THIS IS THE KITCHEN, THIS IS

216. WERE THE BATHROOM, THE BEDROOM,

217. AND THIS IS REALLY WERE THE 400

218. SQUARE FEET OF MY APARTMENT IS.

219. UM, WE, AND WHEN I SAY WE I MEAN

220. MYSELF AND MY MINIATURE HAMSTER

221. BENITA, WE DECIDED TO MOVE TO

222. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES,

223. KOREA TOWN, BECAUSE, THEY DON'T

224. CHECK YOUR CREDIT REFERENCES AND

225. THAT WAS REALLY, REALLY

226. IMPORTANT TO US.

227. I'M A LADIEST.

228. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES IT'S

229. HARD WHEN YOU WORK FOR LIKE A

230. LADY BOSS.

231. LIKE ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE TRIES

232. TO ACT LIKE SHE'S YOUR FRIEND.

233. CALLS YOU HONEY, AND SWEETHEART

234. AND "GIRLFRIEND, HEEEYYYYY.

235. I WANT YOU TO TAKE A BREAK.

236. TAKE A WALK.

237. GET ME A LATTE THAT'S 2% MILK.

238. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT BY NOW.

239. I'M HAVING A PARTY AT MY HOUSE

240. THIS WEEKEND AND I REALLY WANT

241. YOU TO COME.

242. AND MEET SOME REALLY CUTE,

243. REALLY AVAILABLE MEN AT THE

244. DOOR.

245. PARK THEIR CARS, TAKE THEIR

246. COATS, AND SPEAK ONLY WHEN

247. SPOKEN TO.

248. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I SEE US

249. AS EQUALS, AS PARTNERS.

250. EVEN THOUGH I EARN, WHAT IS IT,

251. 850% MORE THEN YOU DO.

252. GET THAT TO ME IN A MEMO, CUZ

253. I'VE GOT TO GO DRIVE AIMLESSLY

254. AROUND LOS ANGELES LOOKING FOR

255. CAVES AND TUNNELS FROM WHERE I

256. CAN GO CALL YOU FROM MY CELL

257. PHONE."

258. SOMETIMES I GET KIND OF A BAD

259. ATTITUDE AT WORK.

260. STOP BEING A TEAM PLAYER.

261. FORGET WHY I STARTED TEMPING IN

262. THE FIRST PLACE, WHICH WAS TO

263. MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

264. I REMEMBER ONE DAY, ONE DAY

265. I WAS SITTING IN THE EMPLOYEE

266. KITCHEN DRINKING NON-DAIRY

267. CREAMER STRAIGHT FROM THE

268. CARTON.

269. AND A GIRLFRIEND, SHE CAME UP TO

270. ME AND SAID, "MARIA, I'VE BEEN

271. TAKING THIS CLASS THAT'S REALLY

272. CHANGED MY LIFE.

273. WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TONIGHT?

274. IT'S AT 7:30 PM AT THE

275. DOUBLETREE SANTA MONICA.

276. THERE'S NO OBLIGATION.

277. AND IT'S FREE."

278. "SURE I'LL JOIN YOUR CULT.

279. ALWAYS WANTED TO BE IN ONE.

280. YOU KNOW?

281. GET TO WEAR A UNIFORM.

282. HAVE ANY MAJOR LIFE QUESTIONS.

283. YOU CHECK THE MANUAL.

284. THERE IS A GOD.

285. THERE IS A PLAN.

286. AND THE SPACE SHIP IS COMING."

287. THEY SAT ME DOWN WITH THE GURU.

288. SHE SAID, "MARIA WHAT'S

289. SOMETHING YOU WANT TO MAKE

290. MANIFEST OUT OF YOUR LIFE?"

291. "LIKE A NEW CAR."

292. "WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?"

293. "A NEW, NEW CAR?"

294. "WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?"

295. "TOYOTA 4-RUNNER SR-5 LIMITED

296. LEATHER INTERIOR THAT RUNS ON

297. DREAMS AND STARLIGHT."

298. SHE GOT MAD AT ME BECAUSE I

299. DIDN'T HAVE THE CASH FOR THE

300. BRAIN WASH WEEKEND.

301. "MARIA, LET'S THINK OF ALL THE

302. WAYS WE CAN GET $495 TONIGHT.

303. DO YOU HAVE A CHARGE CARD?"

304. "NOPE."

305. "DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU CAN

306. SELL?"

307. "I BET MY SOUL MIGHT BE WORTH

308. SOMETHING."

309. "IS THERE ANYONE YOU CAN BORROW

310. IT FROM?"

311. "OH MAN IF YOU COULD SPOT ME?"

312. "MARIA, WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?"

313. "BEARS."

314. "WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?"

315. "THE NORTH AMERICAN GRIZZLY."

316. "WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?"

317. "GOD IT'S.

318. IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE I'M,

319. I'M ALMOST AFRAID OF BEING

320. SUCKED INTO A CRAZY, CREEPY

321. CULT.

322. WHY?

323. WHY AM I SO AFRAID?"

324. AH, MAN.

325. SHE SAID I WAS AFRAID OF

326. SUCCESS.

327. WHICH MAY IN FACT BE TRUE.

328. BECAUSE I HAVE A FEELING THAT

329. FULFILLING MY POTENTIAL WOULD

330. REALLY CUT INTO MY SITTING

331. AROUND TIME.

332. MARIA>> MY MOM'S PRAYING FOR A

333. HUSBAND FOR ME.

334. WITHOUT CEASING CANDLELIGHT

335. VIGIL 24/7 AT MY REQUEST.

336. GOT TO GIVE HER SOMETHING TO DO

337. WITH HER HANDS.

338. I REALLY, I DO WANT TO GET

339. MARRIED.

340. AWW.

341. IT JUST SOUNDS GRRREAT.

342. YOU GET TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING

343. TOGETHER.

344. AND RENT VIDEOS.

345. AND THEN THE KISSING AND THE

346. HUGGING AND THE KISSING AND

347. HUGGING UNDERNEATH THE COZY

348. COVERS.

349. MMMMMM!

350. AW, MAN.

351. SOMETIMES THOUGH, I'M WORRIED

352. I'M NOT, SOMETIMES I'M WORRIED

353. THAT I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED

354. AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO BE DIPPED

355. IN A VAT OF WARM, RISING, BREAD

356. DOUGH.

357. OHHHHH.

358. THAT FEEL PRETTY GOOD, TOO.

359. IT'S HARD IN L.A., THOUGH.

360. 'CAUSE, LIKE A LOT OF OLDER GUYS

361. WILL ASK ME OUT.

362. LIKE GUYS WHO ARE LIKE 30, 40-

363. NO, I MEAN, 50 YEARS OLDER.

364. IT'S LIKE NOOO, RUMPELSTILTSKIN.

365. UH-UH, FATHER TIME.

366. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT

367. BEDTIME STORY, GRANDPA.

368. I TRIED PERSONAL ADS,

369. I DID THE INTERNET.

370. AND THE GREAT THING ABOUT THAT

371. IS THAT I LEARNED I'M NOT ALONE.

372. THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT

373. THERE.

374. SO MANY PEOPLE.

375. I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE

376. WHO ENJOYS FINE DINING.

377. SUNSET WALKS ON THE BEACH,

378. ALSO VERY POPULAR.

379. COME ON PEOPLE GET CREATIVE.

380. I TRIED ACTUALLY A MATCHMAKING

381. SERVICE.

382. CALLED 'IT'S JUST BRUNCH'.

383. "IT'S JUST AN EGG DISH AND A

384. BANANA NUT MUFFIN."

385. THAT'S MY DATING COUNCILOR C.J.

386. I TOLD C.J. THAT I AM NOT

387. LOOKING FOR MUCH I JUST WANT

388. LIKE A REALLY NICE GUY WHO HAS

389. A JOB.

390. AND THE MISSING HALF OF THIS

391. GOLDEN AMULET.

392. SHE LEFT ME A MESSAGE,

393. "HI, MARIA.

394. IT'S C.J.

395. WE HAVE A MATCH, HIS NAME'S JIM.

396. JIM IS 34.

397. HE IS VERY HANDSOME,

398. GREAT SHAPE.

399. I KNOW YOU SAID YOU ARE OPEN TO

400. DIFFERENT RACES, HE'S HALF ELK.

401. HE ENJOYS TRAVEL, ADVENTURE,

402. SAILING.

403. HE IS A PIRATE.

404. HE'S A SEA PIRATE.

405. GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

406. REALLY FUN, FUN GUY.

407. HE IS MARRIED.

408. BUT HE LOVES TO DATE.

409. GIVE US A CALL."

410. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

411. MARIA>> AW, MAN.

412. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH

413. FOR COMING OUT.

414. THIS IS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE.

415. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO

416. SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

417. AND I'D LOVE TO DO A SITCOM.

418. THE THING IS, IS LIKE I'VE HAD

419. SOME MEETINGS WITH THE SHOW BIZ

420. TYPES.

421. AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE A HARD TIME

422. WITH ME.

423. THEY SAY, THEY SAY, "MARIA, WE,

424. UM, WE LOVE WHAT YOU DO.

425. IT'S INTERESTING, WITH YOUR

426. VOICES.

427. IT'S INTERESTING.

428. BUT WHO ARE YOU?

429. IN A SENTENCE OR LESS,

430. WHO IS MARIA BRAMFORD?"

431. "I THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND,

432. YOU KNOW, I JUST THINK—

433. I'M, UM,

434. JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRL.

435. MMMM.

436. TRYING TO MAKE IT IN THE CITY."

437. SO NICE.

438. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

439. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

440. COMEDY CENTRAL.

441. CAPTIONED BY

442. REALTIME CAPTIONING

443. VAN NUYS, CALIFORNIA.