Comedy Central Presents 5x16

1. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

2. ANNOUNCER>> FROM NEW YORK CITY,

3. TODD GLASS.

4. TODD>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

5. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

6. OH, MY GOD!

7. ENOUGH WITH THE MUSIC.

8. WHEW.

9. I DID NOT EXPECT THAT.

10. WELL LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, UM,

11. A LOT OF COMEDIANS, UH,

12. YOU KNOW, THEY MEMORIZE THEIR

13. ACTS.

14. ACTS?

15. THE DAY SO I'M NOT GOING TO LIE

16. TO YOU.

17. I HAVE A LITTLE, UH, YOU KNOW,

18. UH, I AH HAVE A SOMETIMES YOU

19. GOTTA ENJOY LIFE.

20. YOU CAN'T SIT HOME STUDYING

21. ALL DAY, YA KNOW.

22. SO HERE'S WHAT I LIKE TO DO,

23. I DID IN THE 80s AND 90s,

24. AND IT'S 2001 NOW ISN'T IT?

25. YOU'RE RIGHT IT IS AND, UH,

26. HERE WE GO.

27. LET'S START OUT BY DOING THIS.

28. HERE WE GO.

29. AH, WHEW, HERE WE GO.

30. YOU READY?

31. BY THE WAY MY AGENT'S NAME IS

32. T.J. AND UH HE'S BOOKING ME

33. FOR COLLEGE SHOWS.

34. ALRIGHTY.

35. NAME.

36. JESUS.

37. UH, MEN ARE DIFFERENT FROM

38. WOMEN.

39. I'M GONNA KISS THESE BITS

40. GOODBYE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

41. MEN ARE DIFFERENT FROM WOMEN,

42. WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT THAN MEN.

43. HO, HO, HO.

44. HEE, HEE, HEE.

45. DOGS ARE COOL, CATS SUCK.

46. PEOPLE IN L.A. ARE MEAN.

47. PEOPLE IN NEW YORK ARE MEAN.

48. BLACK PEOPLE WALK LIKE THIS.

49. WHITE PEOPLE WALK LIKE THIS.

50. KANGAROOS WALK LIKE THIS.

51. AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH DOUCHE

52. COMMERCIALS?

53. WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH MATTRESS

54. TAGS?

55. WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH DON KING'S

56. HAIR?

57. WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH LITTLE

58. PEANUTS ON THE AIRLINES?

59. WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH MC HAMMER'S

60. PANTS?

61. THE FOLLOWING, THE FOLLOWING HAS

62. BUT THESE PEOPLE PAID ME $50

63. JOSH SNEED, ANDY SCARPATTI AND

64. JOHN BEEDERMAN.

65. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO PEZ?

66. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO FRESCA?

67. GARY COLEMAN'S STAND-IN?

68. THAT FELL INTO THE WELL?

69. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO TAB?

70. THE HENDERSON'S CRAFT SERVICES

71. PEOPLE?

72. I CARE.

73. PISCATELLI, FRIEND OF MINE,

74. I HAVEN'T SEEN SINCE 3rd GRADE?

75. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO POLIO?

76. POLIO?

77. POLLY, POLLY-O, POLLY, PAULY

78. SHORE?

79. WELL AT LEAST OF THEM'S DEAD.

80. JOE PISCAPO AND WHY DIDN'T IT

81. HAPPEN SOONER?

82. THEY'RE OPENING A STARBUCK'S

83. EVERYWHERE NEXT WEEK,

84. THEY'RE GONNA OPEN ONE UP

85. IN MY ASS.

86. OH!

87. TODD>> THANK YOU.

88. THANK YOU.

89. COME ON DIG THE HAT.

90. OH MY GOD.

91. WOW, I GUESS YOU REALLY LIKED

92. THAT ONE.

93. THAT I LOOK LIKE JOHN GOODMAN.

94. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

95. SHE GOES, YOU LOOK LIKE

96. JOHN GOODMAN.

97. THEN SHE GOES, A THIN

98. JOHN GOODMAN.

99. LIKE THAT'S GONNA MAKE ME

100. FEEL BETTER?

101. AH, I SHOULDA SAID YOU LOOK LIKE

102. A PIG.

103. NO A THIN PIG.

104. NO LIKE A REALLY THIN, HOT,

105. SMOKIN', PIG THAT WORKS OUT.

106. LIKE SHE'S GONNA GO, THANK YOU.

107. AH IF YOU DON'T...

108. TODD>> WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE.

109. HERE.

110. LADIES VOICE>> HEY, EVERYONE,

111. GETS A DRINK OF WATER.

112. TODD>> ALL RIGHT FOLKS, I GOT A

113. LOT MORE COMEDY HERE.

114. I, LITTLE JINGLES AND BELLS AND

115. WHISTLES.

116. DO YOU HAVE PARKING AUTHORITY?

117. AUTHORITY.

118. AROUND GIVING PARKING TICKETS.

119. THAT'S GETTING A TICKET,

120. ACT LIKE IT'S YOUR CAR.

121. THEY'RE NOT GOING TO THINK TWICE

122. ABOUT IT.

123. JUST WALK OVER AND GO THAT'S

124. MY CAR, DON'T GIVE IT A TICKET

125. YOU PIECE OF.

126. OH, YEAH, YOU CAN TOW IT,

127. I DARE YOU TO TOW IT!

128. YOU COULDN'T EVEN GET IT TOWED,

129. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU HAVE THE

130. POWER TO TOW MY CAR.

131. YESTERDAY, IS THAT WRONG?

132. NO SERIOUSLY, IS IT?

133. SAYING SERIOUS?

134. I'M LIKE YA KNOW I MEAN LIKE FOR

135. REAL.

136. YOU CAN'T BE LIKE FIFTY AND YOUR

137. BOSS FIRES YOU.

138. FOR REAL?

139. NO LIE?

140. YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO?

141. LOOK AT MY CUE CARDS.

142. WHAT I LIKE TO DO, I LIKE TO

143. DRESS UP AS A PILOT RIGHT.

144. THIS IS A LOT OF FUN, I DRESS UP

145. DRUNK.

146. THAT'S GOOD FUN LADIES AND

147. GENTLEMEN.

148. OH, YEAH, YOU JUST SIT THERE

149. ALL DAY.

150. OH, MY GOD.

151. I THINK I'VE HAD TOO MANY.

152. I REALLY DO IT.

153. THAT'S RIGHT I DO IT.

154. AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?

155. I DO?

156. AND THEN, ALL RIGHT, THEN I,

157. PAWN SHOP AND I GO, HEY YOU WANT

158. TO BUY THIS PACEMAKER?

159. YEAH.

160. I DO IT.

161. THAT'S WHAT I DO.

162. YOU HAVE ANY MAKE-UP?

163. AND THEY GO, WHAT IS IT FOR YOUR

164. GIRLFRIEND?

165. AND I GO YEAH, NO IT'S FOR YOU

166. DOG FACE.

167. YEAH.

168. THAT'S WHAT I DO.

169. I GO TO THE DOG POUND.

170. THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

171. NO ONE KNOWS IT'S NOT MY DOG.

172. THEN SOMEBODY GOES, OH MY GOD

173. YOUR DOG IS SO CUTE.

174. I GO TAKE IT WHORE.

175. AND THEN, YEAH, AND THEN I RUN

176. INTO THE WOODS, ALL JOKES WITH

177. WHORE ARE FUNNY.

178. AND THEN I DRESSED UP, YEAH,

179. KANGAROO, RIGHT.

180. AND I TAKE A DUMP ON SOMEBODY'S

181. LAWN AND THEN THE WIFE GOES,

182. OH, MY GOD, HERBIE THERE'S A

183. LAWN.

184. THEN THE HUSBAND GOES, WHATTYA

185. NUTS?

186. THERE'S JUST A GUY TAKING A DUMP

187. ON OUR LAWN.

188. AND THEN I GET A BLOW UP GIRL.

189. FAKE HAIR AND THEN WHEN THE, UH,

190. PLANE ATTENDANT COMES OVER,

191. I GO EXCUSE ME, DO YOU HAVE MY

192. GIRLFRIEND'S KOSHER MEAL?

193. SHE GOES, OH MY GOD, WE DON'T

194. EVEN HAVE A KOSHER MEAL.

195. I GO, OH GREAT, THEN I TAKE

196. GIRLFRIEND'S ASS.

197. THE WHOLE PLANE.

198. AND I GO GREAT JUST 'CAUSE YOU

199. DIDN'T HAVE HER BLINTZES,

200. NOW SHE'S HAVING A SEIZURE.

201. THANK YOU VERY MUCH EVERYBODY.

202. TODD>> I HAVE A STEP BROTHER,

203. AND HE, AH, HE DIDN'T BELIEVE

204. THAT I'D NEVER SMOKED POT.

205. THE MALL, AND WE GOT HIGH.

206. UM, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

207. AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY I CAN DO

208. ARE HERE.

209. UM, SO THERE WAS A GUY, I,

210. YOU.

211. HE BOUGHT A TREE.

212. AND IF YOU WEREN'T HIGH,

213. IT LOOKED TOTALLY NORMAL.

214. THE MALL.

215. NO BIG DEAL.

216. BUT BECAUSE I WAS HIGH,

217. MY BROTHER GOES, TODD, LOOK HE'S

218. HIDING FROM THE COPS.

219. YOU KNOW THAT LAUGHTER...

220. YOU KNOW THAT LAUGHTER, WHERE

221. YOU'RE LIKE, SHUT UP, I'M GONNA

222. IN MY PANTS!

223. AND IT FEELS GOOD, IT FEELS GOOD

224. TO LAUGH THAT HARD.

225. THERE IN THE BLACK JACKET?

226. AND MY BROTHER, HE WOULDN'T

227. STOP, HE'S LIKE, LOOK THAT GUY'S

228. HIDING FROM THE COPS.

229. UH, BOY DID WE HAVE FUN.

230. DOZE WERE DU DAYS.

231. AH, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

232. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

233. SPEAKING OF GETTING HIGH,

234. I'D LIKE TO DO AN IMPRESSION

235. RIGHT NOW.

236. UM, I'D LIKE TO DO, YOU KNOW

237. WHAT, YELL OUT ANY IMPRESSION

238. I'LL DO IT AND THAT'S THE TRUTH.

239. YELL OUT ANYBODY.

240. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

241. LOST IN A WAREHOUSE?

242. I KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE LIKE.

243. YOU YELL OUT BUT I KNOW WHATCHA,

244. I KNOW WHATCHA YA WANT.

245. HEY, STEVE.

246. READY AFTER THIS.

247. I NEED A LOT FOR MY JOKES,

248. TAP DANCE, ANYTHING.

249. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

250. WHY DON'T YOU JUST WRITE GOOD

251. QUALITY JOKES?

252. I'VE TRIED, IT'S VERY HARD.

253. SO I'VE TRIED TO HAVE LIKE,

254. YOU KNOW, OTHER THINGS GOING ON

255. THAT'S SO YA KNOW SO YOU FORGET

256. ABOUT THE JOKES.

257. OH, HE'S TAP DANCE, OH, OH,

258. WHAT'S HE DOING?

259. UM, YOU KNOW, SMOKE MACHINE,

260. I THROW RAZZLES AT THE AUDIENCE,

261. WHATEVER.

262. UM, RAZZLES?

263. WHAT A REFERENCE.

264. UM, OKAY, I'LL DO MY IMPRESSION

265. OF A GAY, A VERY GAY MAN LOST IN

266. A WAREHOUSE.

267. OH MY GOD, I'M LOST IN A

268. WAREHOUSE, THIS IS GREAT!

269. GENTLEMEN.

270. THANK YOU.

271. HEY, ANDY.

272. SHOE, GET CLOSE ON THAT.

273. NOW THEY'RE GONNA KNOW I'M NOT

274. TAP DANCING.

275. GENTLEMEN, HE'S BEEN WITH ME...

276. FIX MY PANTS.

277. ANYWAY, THIS IS A PART OF MY ACT

278. WHERE I SMOKE.

279. IT LASTS ABOUT A MINUTE, I'M NOT

280. GONNA SMOKE THE REST OF MY SHOW,

281. SO IF THE SMOKE DOES HIT YOU,

282. I APOLOGIZE.

283. WHAT I LIKE TO DO, HOLD ON LET

284. ME LIGHT THIS UP.

285. MMM.

286. KILLING HIM.

287. THAT'S HOW MY DAD SMOKES.

288. A LITTLE GUY.

289. THIS IS HOW ALL DAD'S SMOKE.

290. DAD, ARE YOU ENJOYING THAT?

291. YEAH.

292. HE'D COME WATCH ME PLAY BASEBALL

293. WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I WAS IN THE

294. LITTLE LEAGUES.

295. OF COURSE WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

296. NO, I AM STILL IN THE LITTLE

297. LEAGUES FOLKS.

298. THEY WON'T ADVANCE ME.

299. SEE MY BROTHER'S HERE, SPENCER,

300. LITTLE LEAGUES.

301. PLAYED JACKS, IT DOESN'T HAVE

302. THE SAME FIGHTING EFFECT.

303. BASEBALL.

304. HE'D BE IN THE STANDS, KEEP YOUR

305. EYE ON THE BALL SON, UH-HUH.

306. KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL,

307. DON'T TAKE YOUR EYE OFF THE

308. BALL.

309. MM-MMM.

310. KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL.

311. DAD I'M TOO BUSY WATCHING SMOKE

312. HEAD.

313. HE'D LAUGH SO HARD, HE'D

314. HIS BUTT.

315. THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

316. STEVE, THANKS A LOT, THAT'S HIS

317. JOKE, HE WROTE IT FOR ME LADIES

318. AND GENTLEMEN.

319. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

320. I'D LIKE TO SETTLE DOWN,

321. HAVE A FAMILY.

322. I'M A GOOD PERSON.

323. YOU KNOW...

324. THEY'RE GOING TO EDIT THAT.

325. UM, I HAVE A CAMP, I YOU KNOW,

326. I HAVE A CAMP.

327. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU PEOPLE KNOW

328. THIS, BUT I HAVE A CAMP FOR KIDS

329. WITH NO HANDS.

330. AND SERIOUSLY, YEAH.

331. AND, AH, YA KNOW THAT SONG,

332. IF YOUR HAPPY AND YA KNOW IT,

333. CLAP YOUR HANDS?

334. WELL, LISTEN TO THIS,

335. WE DON'T PLAY IT ANY MORE

336. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, NOW WE PLAY

337. IF YOUR HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT,

338. TABLE.

339. AND UH, THE KIDS LOVE IT.

340. THAT'S, SO CUTE—

341. THAT'S HOW I KNOW I'M GETTING

342. OLDER, SOMETIMES I'M WALKIN ON

343. KID THAT'S SO CUTE, YOU WANT TO

344. SQUEEZE IT, LIKE, TILL IT LIKE

345. POOPS IT'S PANTS, ARRRHHHH.

346. THE MOM'S LIKE, YOU'RE GOING

347. TO KILL MY BABY!

348. I CAN'T HELP IT HE'S CUTE,

349. AAAHHHHH.

350. SOMETIMES, I SEE A DOG THAT

351. CUTE, YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE DOG

352. THAT CUTE?

353. YOU JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE IT, AH,

354. IT DIES.

355. AAAHHH.

356. AAAAHHH.

357. AND PUPPY BREATHE.

358. OH MY GOD, HOW CUTE IS PUPPY

359. BREATHE?

360. PUPPY BREATHE, I'D MARRY HER,

361. SERIOUS, SERIOUS.

362. TWELVE TITS WOULDN'T BE BAD

363. EITHER.

364. BUT, UM.

365. TODD>> WE GOT A BIG CROWD OUT

366. HERE TONIGHT, I'M SURE WE HAVE

367. PROFESSIONS.

368. WE HAVE ANY TEACHERS HERE?

369. LIVING?

370. MY BROTHER SPENCE IS A TEACHER,

371. THAT'S A HARD JOB, I REALLY DO

372. TEACHERS, I LOOK BACK AND I HAVE

373. MY TEACHERS.

374. SOME TEACHERS THAT WERE BAD,

375. YOU KNOW?

376. ONE OF MY TEACHERS, ONCE,

377. SHE GOES, MR. GLASS, WHEN THEY

378. WERE HANDING OUT BRAINS,

379. AND YOU SAID, I DON'T WANT TO GO

380. ANYWHERE.

381. I SAID, YEAH, WHEN THEY WERE

382. HANDING OUT PERSONALITIES,

383. TO BE A MEAN WHORE.

384. HA, HA, HA.

385. THANK YOU.

386. LOOK, I'M JAY LENO.

387. I LIKE THAT MUSIC.

388. GOD, WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF YOU

389. HAD THAT MUSIC IN REAL LIFE?

390. THAT'S LIKE THAT PRESIDENTIAL

391. MUSIC.

392. THEY SAY WE RUN THE COUNTRY,

393. BUT YOU DON'T HEAR THAT MUSIC

394. DOOR EVERY MORNING.

395. YOU'D BE IN A BETTER MOOD,

396. YOU KNOW?

397. EVERY MORNING, JUST WALKED OUT

398. THAT.

399. WOULDN'T YOU BE IN A BETTER

400. MOOD?

401. HI, BOB.

402. HOW ARE YOU?

403. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I FLEW

404. HERE ON AH, WHEN DID I FLY HERE?

405. FLEW HERE ON TUESDAY.

406. AH, FLEW HERE TUESDAY.

407. PEOPLE IN FIRST CLASS, WHEW,

408. IN FIRST CLASS?

409. DON'T THEY HAVE AN ATTITUDE?

410. DID YOU EVER WALK BY THEM,

411. SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO LOOK AT

412. YA, I'M JUST A PIECE OF

413. HEADING INTO THE POOR AREA.

414. SORRY DIDN'T MEAN TO LOOK AT

415. YOU.

416. GET OUR DRINKS FIRST.

417. THE MOUNTAIN FIRST, TOO.

418. OKAY YA PIECE A...

419. ALL RIGHT FOLKS, IT'S TIME FOR

420. MORE IMPRESSIONS.

421. LOST IN A WAREHOUSE.

422. WHY DO THEY CALL IT A WAREHOUSE?

423. YOU DON'T WEAR IT AND IT AIN'T A

424. HOUSE.

425. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

426. GEORGE CARLIN, I MEAN, I ADMIRE

427. GEORGE CARLIN, OF COURSE I DO.

428. I THINK ALL COMICS DO.

429. BITS.

430. LIKE, THE STEWARDESS SAYS GET ON

431. THE PLANE.

432. YOU, I'M GETTING

433. IN THE PLANE!

434. ALL RIGHT, SHUT UP.

435. THE PLANE.

436. AH, WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

437. I'M OFF TO DO A BIG COLLEGE

438. TOUR.

439. SHOWS.

440. HERE?

441. WHAT COLLEGE DO YOU GO TO, SIR?

442. FORDHAM?

443. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

444. JOHN.

445. BRING JOHN UP HERE, I GOT TO

446. SHOW EVERYBODY SOMETHING.

447. GIVE JOHN A LITTLE SOME...

448. GIVE JOHN A LITTLE MUSIC.

449. COME ON, JOHN.

450. AH, JOHN, GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.

451. HOW ARE YOU?

452. COME ON OVER HERE, JOHN.

453. COME ON OVER HERE.

454. YOUR NAME'S JOHN?

455. CAN I CALL YA JA FOR SHORT?

456. HA, HA, HA, HA.

457. SHUT UP.

458. ALL RIGHT.

459. EATIN' INTO MY TIME HERE.

460. UH, YOU GO TO WHAT'S THE SCHOOL?

461. FORDHAM UNIVERSITY.

462. A VERY GOOD SCHOOL.

463. WHAT I NOTICE, WHEN I DO THESE

464. COLLEGE SHOWS, THEY TAKE YOU OUT

465. THE SAME WHEN I WENT TO COLLEGE.

466. WENT TO COLLEGE.

467. BUT FOR THIS BIT, AH, THEY THROW

468. THE KIDS OUT.

469. THEY'RE ROUGH ON THEM.

470. YOU'VE SEEN COLLEGE BOUNCERS.

471. THEY'RE LIKE, GET OUTTA HERE.

472. THAT DOESN'T TEACH A STUDENT

473. A LESSON.

474. A KID A LESSON, YOU HAVE TO DO

475. SOMETHING THAT'S A LITTLE

476. DIFFERENT.

477. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

478. COLLEGE STUDENT, IT WOULD FREAK

479. THEM OUT OKAY.

480. SO HERE WE GO, TURN SIDEWAYS,

481. JOHNNY.

482. "HI" TO ON NATIONAL TV?

483. OKAY.

484. SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

485. PLEASE.

486. YOU KNOW, I GOT A FEW OTHER

487. PLUGS, I GOTTA MAKE MYSELF HERE.

488. SO I'M GONNA SAY LEAVE THOSE

489. LADIES ALONE, RIGHT?

490. YOU GO, I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.

491. ALL RIGHT?

492. THIS, IT WOULD FREAK YOU OUT?

493. I'M GONNA TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME

494. YOUNG MAN, LEAVE THOSE LADIES

495. ALONE.

496. JOHN>> I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.

497. TODD>> OH, YOU WILL, YOU KNOW

498. WHAT?

499. MAYBE YOU'LL START ACTING LIKE A

500. GENTLEMAN.

501. GO SIT DOWN.

502. GO AHEAD.

503. YOU SEE THAT?

504. THAT'S JUST WEIRD.

505. BECAUSE IF YOU'RE AN ADULT

506. AND SOMEONE HITS YOU, YOU KNOW,

507. JOHN, YOU'RE A BIG GUY,

508. YOU'D CLOCK ME BACK, YA KNOW.

509. BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO KNOW?

510. HEY, THAT GUY SPANKED ME,

511. LET'S GET HIM GIRLS.

512. I'M GONNA GO TO PHILADELPHIA

513. TOMORROW TO SEE MY FAMILY,

514. WHICH IS ALWAYS NICE.

515. I HAVE A NIECE.

516. PHILADELPHIA!

517. PHILADELPHIA.

518. SAYING FLUFFY WHEN THEY TALK.

519. WHERE YOU FROM?

520. FLUFFY.

521. FLUFFY?

522. YEAH.

523. YOU KNOW DA FLUFFY EAGLES?

524. THE FLUFFY EAGLES?

525. EAGLES.

526. NO DA FLUFFY EAGLES.

527. FLUFF, FLUFF, FLUFF.

528. IN MY HEAD.

529. YOU KNOW, DID YOU EVER HEAR

530. SOMETHING, LIKE I WHEN,

531. SANDWICH PLACE AT AN AIRPORT,

532. AND I HEARD HIM GO, YEA, DATS

533. FI DOLLAS.

534. IT'S FI DOLLAS.

535. AND THEN I WAS ON THE AIRPLANE,

536. IMITATING HIM.

537. SO I'M LIKE, FI DOLLAS,

538. FI DOLLAS.

539. ME.

540. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

541. THEN YOU FEEL LIKE OH MY GOD,

542. I BETTER EXPLAIN, BECAUSE I

543. TOURETTE'S SYNDROME.

544. I'M LIKE, FI DOLLAS.

545. FI DOLLAS.

546. SO THEN I GO,

547. NO, I'M NOT CRAZY I WAS

548. IMITATING A GUY I HEARD,

549. NEVER MIND, I STILL LOOK CRAZY,

550. YOU KNOW?

551. LIKE I LOOK ANY MORE NORMAL,

552. NO I'M JUST IMITATING A GUY

553. I SAW, FI DOLLAS.

554. FI DOLLAS.

555. GONNA SEE MY NIECE.

556. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO GET HER

557. FOR HER BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR.

558. KATIE, I BOUGHT HER GALLOPING

559. HORSE.

560. ENDED UP BEING A PIECE OF JUNK.

561. DIDN'T EVEN GALLOP, IT LIKE

562. VIBRATED.

563. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.

564. THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

565. THE KID ON IT.

566. NO.

567. THIS THING VIBRATED,

568. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.

569. SHE WAS SITTING ON IT LIKE...

570. SO YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING,

571. BUT I DIDN'T SAY IT, IT'S MY

572. PRECIOUS NIECE, YOU KNOW.

573. THEN MY BROTHER SAID IT,

574. HE GOES, SHE'S GONNA BE ON THAT

575. TILL SHE'S THIRTY, THANKS A LOT.

576. I CAN'T GET MY SISTER OFF OF IT!

577. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A SISTER!

578. HA, HA.

579. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

580. TODD>> I THINK I'M MATURE ENOUGH

581. FAMILY.

582. I UNDERSTAND...

583. BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP,

584. IT'S GREAT, YOU KNOW?

585. IT'S FUN TO ARGUE, YOU KNOW WHAT

586. I MEAN?

587. YOU ARGUE SO MUCH THAT'S HOW YOU

588. REMEMBER WHERE YOU ARE?

589. DIDN'T WE ARGUE HERE ONCE,

590. SERIOUSLY?

591. DIDN'T YOU THREATEN TO WALK

592. HOME.

593. DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE

594. THAT?

595. TO TURN THE CAR AROUND.

596. I'LL TURN THE CAR AROUND!

597. WE'RE HALF WAY TO FLORIDA,

598. GO AHEAD I DARE YA!

599. BWAK, BWAK, BWAK.

600. BUSINESS, WHATEVER I WANTED.

601. TO GET A BIKE.

602. 180 BUCKS

603. FOR A BIKE?

604. I MUST BE IN THE WRONG BUSINESS.

605. WHATEVER I WANTED, LOOSE LEAF

606. PAPER.

607. 3$.

608. I MUST BE IN THE WRONG BUSINESS.

609. ONE TIME I SNUCK A HOOKER HOME,

610. HE OVER HEARD HER CHARGING ME.

611. 180 BUCKS?

612. AND OVER AND OVER.

613. IT'S LIKE TO RAISE CHILDREN.

614. A LOT OF MY FRIENDS DON'T.

615. ONE OF MY FRIENDS, HE'S LIKE IF

616. I HAD KIDS, I'D BE PATIENT WITH

617. THEM TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY.

618. REALLY?

619. I CAN'T WAIT TILL HE HAS KIDS,

620. YOU KNOW, THE SAME GUY AT THE

621. MALL.

622. I SAID YOU'RE NOT GETTING A

623. LARGE!

624. YOU GET A SMALL OR YOU DON'T GET

625. ANYTHING!

626. WITH YOUR KIDS.

627. THEY DON'T CATCH THAT PART.

628. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

629. YOU'RE AT THE MALL AND YOUR KIDS

630. LISTEN, TYLER, YOU GET A SMALL

631. CAN GET ANOTHER SMALL.

632. "BUT I WANTED TO GET A LARGE!"

633. LISTEN.

634. DADDY DOESN'T WANT TO YELL AT

635. YOU, CAUSE HE LOVES YOU, IF YOU

636. GET A SMALL...

637. "BUT I WANT A LARGE!"

638. LISTEN.

639. DON'T CRY BECAUSE DADDY GETS

640. UPSET AND HE...

641. "BUT I WANNA GET A..."

642. AND THEN HERE'S WHEN THE PEOPLE

643. WALK IN.

644. YOUR NOT GETTIN' A LARGE YOU

645. LITTLE PIECE OF!

646. EVERYONE THINKS YOU'RE CRAZY.

647. ALL RIGHT.

648. NOW YOU'RE EVEN MORE MAD.

649. NOW YOU'RE LIKE, HEY, EVERYBODY,

650. I'M NOT NUTS!

651. I AM NOT NUTS, I LOVE MY KID!

652. HE'S A BUTTON PUSHIN',

653. MANIPULITIVE, PIECE OF!

654. THANK YOU VERY MUCH EVERYBODY.

655. THANK YOU.

656. PEOPLE, SERIOUSLY, BEHIND THE

657. SCENES HERE THAT WORK,

658. THE CAMERA PEOPLE,

659. RICK MILL PRODUCTIONS,

660. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

661. COMEDY CENTRAL.

662. VAN NUYS, CALIFORNIA.