Comedy Central Presents 5x16

1. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

2. ANNOUNCER>> FROM NEW YORK CITY,

3. TODD GLASS.

4. TODD>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

5. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

6. OH, MY GOD!

7. ENOUGH WITH THE MUSIC.

8. WHEW.

9. I DID NOT EXPECT THAT.

10. WELL LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, UM,

11. A LOT OF COMEDIANS, UH,

12. YOU KNOW, THEY MEMORIZE THEIR

13. ACTS.

14. HAVE YOU SEEN A LOT OF THOSE

15. COMEDIANS THEY MEMORIZE THEIR

16. ACTS?

17. I HAVE THINGS TO DO DURING

18. THE DAY SO I'M NOT GOING TO LIE

19. TO YOU.

20. I HAVE A LITTLE, UH, YOU KNOW,

21. UH, I AH HAVE A SOMETIMES YOU

22. GOTTA ENJOY LIFE.

23. YOU CAN'T SIT HOME STUDYING

24. ALL DAY, YA KNOW.

25. SO HERE'S WHAT I LIKE TO DO,

26. I LIKE TO START OUT BY KISSING

27. A LOT OF THE BITS GOODBYE THAT

28. I DID IN THE 80s AND 90s,

29. AND IT'S 2001 NOW ISN'T IT?

30. YOU'RE RIGHT IT IS AND, UH,

31. HERE WE GO.

32. LET'S START OUT BY DOING THIS.

33. HERE WE GO.

34. AH, WHEW, HERE WE GO.

35. YOU READY?

36. BY THE WAY MY AGENT'S NAME IS

37. T.J. AND UH HE'S BOOKING ME

38. FOR COLLEGE SHOWS.

39. ALRIGHTY.

40. HE BEGGED ME TO MENTION HIS

41. NAME.

42. JESUS.

43. UH, MEN ARE DIFFERENT FROM

44. WOMEN.

45. I'M GONNA KISS THESE BITS

46. GOODBYE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

47. MEN ARE DIFFERENT FROM WOMEN,

48. WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT THAN MEN.

49. HO, HO, HO.

50. HEE, HEE, HEE.

51. DOGS ARE COOL, CATS SUCK.

52. PEOPLE IN L.A. ARE MEAN.

53. PEOPLE IN NEW YORK ARE MEAN.

54. BLACK PEOPLE WALK LIKE THIS.

55. WHITE PEOPLE WALK LIKE THIS.

56. KANGAROOS WALK LIKE THIS.

57. AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH DOUCHE

58. COMMERCIALS?

59. WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH MATTRESS

60. TAGS?

61. WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH DON KING'S

62. HAIR?

63. WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH LITTLE

64. PEANUTS ON THE AIRLINES?

65. WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH MC HAMMER'S

66. PANTS?

67. THE FOLLOWING, THE FOLLOWING HAS

68. NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING

69. BUT THESE PEOPLE PAID ME $50

70. JOSH SNEED, ANDY SCARPATTI AND

71. JOHN BEEDERMAN.

72. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO PEZ?

73. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO FRESCA?

74. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO

75. GARY COLEMAN'S STAND-IN?

76. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE KID

77. THAT FELL INTO THE WELL?

78. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO TAB?

79. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO HARRY AND

80. THE HENDERSON'S CRAFT SERVICES

81. PEOPLE?

82. I CARE.

83. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO VINNY

84. PISCATELLI, FRIEND OF MINE,

85. I HAVEN'T SEEN SINCE 3rd GRADE?

86. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO POLIO?

87. POLIO?

88. POLLY, POLLY-O, POLLY, PAULY

89. SHORE?

90. WELL AT LEAST OF THEM'S DEAD.

91. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO

92. JOE PISCAPO AND WHY DIDN'T IT

93. HAPPEN SOONER?

94. THEY'RE OPENING A STARBUCK'S

95. EVERYWHERE NEXT WEEK,

96. THEY'RE GONNA OPEN ONE UP

97. IN MY ASS.

98. OH!

99. TODD>> THANK YOU.

100. THANK YOU.

101. COME ON DIG THE HAT.

102. OH MY GOD.

103. WOW, I GUESS YOU REALLY LIKED

104. THAT ONE.

105. SOME LADY TOLD ME THE OTHER DAY

106. THAT I LOOK LIKE JOHN GOODMAN.

107. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

108. SHE GOES, YOU LOOK LIKE

109. JOHN GOODMAN.

110. THEN SHE GOES, A THIN

111. JOHN GOODMAN.

112. LIKE THAT'S GONNA MAKE ME

113. FEEL BETTER?

114. AH, I SHOULDA SAID YOU LOOK LIKE

115. A PIG.

116. NO A THIN PIG.

117. NO LIKE A REALLY THIN, HOT,

118. SMOKIN', PIG THAT WORKS OUT.

119. LIKE SHE'S GONNA GO, THANK YOU.

120. AH IF YOU DON'T...

121. TODD>> WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE.

122. LET ME GET A DRINK OF WATER

123. HERE.

124. LADIES VOICE>> HEY, EVERYONE,

125. STAY TUNED FOR MORE COMEDIC

126. GENIUS RIGHT AFTER TODD GLASS

127. GETS A DRINK OF WATER.

128. TODD>> ALL RIGHT FOLKS, I GOT A

129. LOT MORE COMEDY HERE.

130. I, LITTLE JINGLES AND BELLS AND

131. WHISTLES.

132. DO YOU HAVE PARKING AUTHORITY?

133. EVERY TOWN HAS PARKING

134. AUTHORITY.

135. THERE NOT COPS BUT THEY DRIVE

136. AROUND GIVING PARKING TICKETS.

137. NEXT TIME YOU WALK BY A CAR

138. THAT'S GETTING A TICKET,

139. ACT LIKE IT'S YOUR CAR.

140. THEY'RE NOT GOING TO THINK TWICE

141. ABOUT IT.

142. JUST WALK OVER AND GO THAT'S

143. MY CAR, DON'T GIVE IT A TICKET

144. YOU PIECE OF (BLEEP).

145. OH, YEAH, YOU CAN TOW IT,

146. I DARE YOU TO TOW IT!

147. YOU COULDN'T EVEN GET IT TOWED,

148. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU HAVE THE

149. POWER TO TOW MY CAR.

150. I HAD FORTY-FIVE CARS TOWED

151. YESTERDAY, IS THAT WRONG?

152. NO SERIOUSLY, IS IT?

153. WHAT AGE DO YOU HAVE TO STOP

154. SAYING SERIOUS?

155. I'M LIKE YA KNOW I MEAN LIKE FOR

156. REAL.

157. YOU CAN'T BE LIKE FIFTY AND YOUR

158. BOSS FIRES YOU.

159. FOR REAL?

160. NO LIE?

161. YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO?

162. LOOK AT MY CUE CARDS.

163. WHAT I LIKE TO DO, I LIKE TO

164. DRESS UP AS A PILOT RIGHT.

165. THIS IS A LOT OF FUN, I DRESS UP

166. AS A PILOT AND THEN WHAT I DO IS

167. I GO TO AN AIRPORT BAR AND GET

168. DRUNK.

169. THAT'S GOOD FUN LADIES AND

170. GENTLEMEN.

171. OH, YEAH, YOU JUST SIT THERE

172. ALL DAY.

173. OH, MY GOD.

174. I THINK I'VE HAD TOO MANY.

175. I REALLY DO IT.

176. THAT'S RIGHT I DO IT.

177. AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?

178. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT ELSE

179. I DO?

180. AND THEN, ALL RIGHT, THEN I,

181. I PUT GAUZE ON MY CHEST AND FAKE

182. BLOOD AND THEN I GO INTO THE

183. PAWN SHOP AND I GO, HEY YOU WANT

184. TO BUY THIS PACEMAKER?

185. YEAH.

186. I DO IT.

187. THAT'S WHAT I DO.

188. AND THEN WHAT I DO IS I GO INTO

189. THE MAKE-UP STORE AND I GO DO

190. YOU HAVE ANY MAKE-UP?

191. AND THEY GO, WHAT IS IT FOR YOUR

192. GIRLFRIEND?

193. AND I GO YEAH, NO IT'S FOR YOU

194. DOG FACE.

195. YEAH.

196. THAT'S WHAT I DO.

197. I GO TO THE DOG POUND.

198. I GO TO THE DOG POUND AND I GET

199. A DOG AND THEN I WALK IT THROUGH

200. THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

201. NO ONE KNOWS IT'S NOT MY DOG.

202. THEN SOMEBODY GOES, OH MY GOD

203. YOUR DOG IS SO CUTE.

204. I GO TAKE IT WHORE.

205. AND THEN, YEAH, AND THEN I RUN

206. INTO THE WOODS, ALL JOKES WITH

207. WHORE ARE FUNNY.

208. AND THEN I DRESSED UP, YEAH,

209. THEN I DRESSED UP LIKE A

210. KANGAROO, RIGHT.

211. AND I TAKE A DUMP ON SOMEBODY'S

212. LAWN AND THEN THE WIFE GOES,

213. OH, MY GOD, HERBIE THERE'S A

214. KANGAROO TAKING A DUMP ON OUR

215. LAWN.

216. AND THEN WHAT I DO IS I TAKE THE

217. KANGAROO SUIT OFF REAL FAST AND

218. I THROW IT INTO THE WOODS AND

219. THEN THE HUSBAND GOES, WHATTYA

220. NUTS?

221. THERE'S JUST A GUY TAKING A DUMP

222. ON OUR LAWN.

223. AND THEN I GET A BLOW UP GIRL.

224. AND THEN WHAT I DO IS I TAKE THE

225. BLOW UP GIRL AND I BRING HER ON

226. THE AIRPLANE WITH A JACKET AND A

227. FAKE HAIR AND THEN WHEN THE, UH,

228. PLANE ATTENDANT COMES OVER,

229. I GO EXCUSE ME, DO YOU HAVE MY

230. GIRLFRIEND'S KOSHER MEAL?

231. SHE GOES, OH MY GOD, WE DON'T

232. EVEN HAVE A KOSHER MEAL.

233. I GO, OH GREAT, THEN I TAKE

234. A PIN AND I STICK IT IN MY

235. GIRLFRIEND'S ASS.

236. THEN SHE GOES FLYING ALL OVER

237. THE WHOLE PLANE.

238. AND I GO GREAT JUST 'CAUSE YOU

239. DIDN'T HAVE HER BLINTZES,

240. NOW SHE'S HAVING A SEIZURE.

241. THANK YOU VERY MUCH EVERYBODY.

242. TODD>> I HAVE A STEP BROTHER,

243. AND HE, AH, HE DIDN'T BELIEVE

244. THAT I'D NEVER SMOKED POT.

245. SO ABOUT A YEAR AGO WE WENT TO

246. THE MALL, AND WE GOT HIGH.

247. UM, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

248. AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY I CAN DO

249. IT BECAUSE OF THESE PLANTS THAT

250. ARE HERE.

251. UM, SO THERE WAS A GUY, I,

252. THIS IS A TRUE STORY I SWEAR TO

253. YOU.

254. THERE WAS A GUY AT PIER ONE

255. IMPORTS PROBABLY BOUGHT A TREE—

256. HE BOUGHT A TREE.

257. AND IF YOU WEREN'T HIGH,

258. IT LOOKED TOTALLY NORMAL.

259. IT LOOKED LIKE HE JUST BOUGHT A

260. TREE AND WAS CARRYING IT OUT OF

261. THE MALL.

262. NO BIG DEAL.

263. BUT BECAUSE I WAS HIGH,

264. MY BROTHER GOES, TODD, LOOK HE'S

265. HIDING FROM THE COPS.

266. YOU KNOW THAT LAUGHTER...

267. YOU KNOW THAT LAUGHTER, WHERE

268. YOU'RE LIKE, SHUT UP, I'M GONNA

269. IN MY PANTS!

270. AND IT FEELS GOOD, IT FEELS GOOD

271. TO LAUGH THAT HARD.

272. I SEE YA KNOW THAT GUY OVER

273. THERE IN THE BLACK JACKET?

274. AND MY BROTHER, HE WOULDN'T

275. STOP, HE'S LIKE, LOOK THAT GUY'S

276. HIDING FROM THE COPS.

277. UH, BOY DID WE HAVE FUN.

278. DOZE WERE DU DAYS.

279. AH, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

280. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

281. SPEAKING OF GETTING HIGH,

282. I'D LIKE TO DO AN IMPRESSION

283. RIGHT NOW.

284. UM, I'D LIKE TO DO, YOU KNOW

285. WHAT, YELL OUT ANY IMPRESSION

286. THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HEAR AND

287. I'LL DO IT AND THAT'S THE TRUTH.

288. YELL OUT ANYBODY.

289. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

290. HOW ABOUT I DO A GAY GUY

291. LOST IN A WAREHOUSE?

292. I KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE LIKE.

293. YOU YELL OUT BUT I KNOW WHATCHA,

294. I KNOW WHATCHA YA WANT.

295. HEY, STEVE.

296. GET A LITTLE TAP DANCE MUSIC

297. READY AFTER THIS.

298. I NEED A LOT FOR MY JOKES,

299. TAP DANCE, ANYTHING.

300. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

301. WHY DON'T YOU JUST WRITE GOOD

302. QUALITY JOKES?

303. I'VE TRIED, IT'S VERY HARD.

304. SO I'VE TRIED TO HAVE LIKE,

305. YOU KNOW, OTHER THINGS GOING ON

306. THAT'S SO YA KNOW SO YOU FORGET

307. ABOUT THE JOKES.

308. OH, HE'S TAP DANCE, OH, OH,

309. WHAT'S HE DOING?

310. UM, YOU KNOW, SMOKE MACHINE,

311. I THROW RAZZLES AT THE AUDIENCE,

312. WHATEVER.

313. UM, RAZZLES?

314. WHAT A REFERENCE.

315. UM, OKAY, I'LL DO MY IMPRESSION

316. OF A GAY, A VERY GAY MAN LOST IN

317. A WAREHOUSE.

318. OH MY GOD, I'M LOST IN A

319. WAREHOUSE, THIS IS GREAT!

320. THANK YOU VERY MUCH LADIES AND

321. GENTLEMEN.

322. THANK YOU.

323. HEY, ANDY.

324. EVERYBODY LOVES A LITTLE SOFT

325. SHOE, GET CLOSE ON THAT.

326. NOW THEY'RE GONNA KNOW I'M NOT

327. TAP DANCING.

328. STEVE ROSENTHAL LADIES AND

329. GENTLEMEN, HE'S BEEN WITH ME...

330. FIX MY PANTS.

331. ANYWAY, THIS IS A PART OF MY ACT

332. WHERE I SMOKE.

333. IT LASTS ABOUT A MINUTE, I'M NOT

334. GONNA SMOKE THE REST OF MY SHOW,

335. SO IF THE SMOKE DOES HIT YOU,

336. I APOLOGIZE.

337. WHAT I LIKE TO DO, HOLD ON LET

338. ME LIGHT THIS UP.

339. MMM.

340. MY DAD SMOKES LIKE HIS FACE IS

341. KILLING HIM.

342. THAT'S HOW MY DAD SMOKES.

343. I REMEMBER GROWING UP AND BEING

344. A LITTLE GUY.

345. THIS IS HOW ALL DAD'S SMOKE.

346. DAD, ARE YOU ENJOYING THAT?

347. YEAH.

348. HE'D COME WATCH ME PLAY BASEBALL

349. WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I WAS IN THE

350. LITTLE LEAGUES.

351. OF COURSE WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

352. NO, I AM STILL IN THE LITTLE

353. LEAGUES FOLKS.

354. THEY WON'T ADVANCE ME.

355. SEE MY BROTHER'S HERE, SPENCER,

356. HE KNOWS I WAS NEVER IN THE

357. LITTLE LEAGUES.

358. BUT YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SAY I

359. PLAYED JACKS, IT DOESN'T HAVE

360. THE SAME FIGHTING EFFECT.

361. MY DAD WOULD COME WATCH ME PLAY

362. BASEBALL.

363. HE'D BE IN THE STANDS, KEEP YOUR

364. EYE ON THE BALL SON, UH-HUH.

365. KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL,

366. DON'T TAKE YOUR EYE OFF THE

367. BALL.

368. MM-MMM.

369. KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL.

370. DAD I'M TOO BUSY WATCHING SMOKE

371. COME OUT OF EVERY HOLE IN YOUR

372. HEAD.

373. HE'D LAUGH SO HARD, HE'D

374. A DECORATED CHRISTMAS TREE OUT

375. HIS BUTT.

376. THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

377. STEVE, THANKS A LOT, THAT'S HIS

378. JOKE, HE WROTE IT FOR ME LADIES

379. AND GENTLEMEN.

380. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

381. I'D LIKE TO SETTLE DOWN,

382. HAVE A FAMILY.

383. I'M A GOOD PERSON.

384. YOU KNOW...

385. THEY'RE GOING TO EDIT THAT.

386. UM, I HAVE A CAMP, I YOU KNOW,

387. I HAVE A CAMP.

388. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU PEOPLE KNOW

389. THIS, BUT I HAVE A CAMP FOR KIDS

390. WITH NO HANDS.

391. AND SERIOUSLY, YEAH.

392. AND, AH, YA KNOW THAT SONG,

393. IF YOUR HAPPY AND YA KNOW IT,

394. CLAP YOUR HANDS?

395. WELL, LISTEN TO THIS,

396. WE DON'T PLAY IT ANY MORE

397. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, NOW WE PLAY

398. IF YOUR HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT,

399. BANG YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE

400. TABLE.

401. AND UH, THE KIDS LOVE IT.

402. YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE KID

403. THAT'S, SO CUTE—

404. THAT'S HOW I KNOW I'M GETTING

405. OLDER, SOMETIMES I'M WALKIN ON

406. THE AIRPLANE— YOU EVER SEE A

407. KID THAT'S SO CUTE, YOU WANT TO

408. SQUEEZE IT, LIKE, TILL IT LIKE

409. POOPS IT'S PANTS, ARRRHHHH.

410. THE MOM'S LIKE, YOU'RE GOING

411. TO KILL MY BABY!

412. I CAN'T HELP IT HE'S CUTE,

413. AAAHHHHH.

414. SOMETIMES, I SEE A DOG THAT

415. CUTE, YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE DOG

416. THAT CUTE?

417. YOU JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE IT, AH,

418. YOU JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE IT TILL

419. IT DIES.

420. AAAHHH.

421. AAAAHHH.

422. AND PUPPY BREATHE.

423. OH MY GOD, HOW CUTE IS PUPPY

424. BREATHE?

425. IF I COULD MEET A GIRL WITH

426. PUPPY BREATHE, I'D MARRY HER,

427. SERIOUS, SERIOUS.

428. TWELVE TITS WOULDN'T BE BAD

429. EITHER.

430. BUT, UM.

431. TODD>> WE GOT A BIG CROWD OUT

432. HERE TONIGHT, I'M SURE WE HAVE

433. PEOPLE THAT ARE FROM ALL

434. PROFESSIONS.

435. WE HAVE ANY TEACHERS HERE?

436. DOES ANYBODY DO THAT FOR A

437. LIVING?

438. MY BROTHER SPENCE IS A TEACHER,

439. THAT'S A HARD JOB, I REALLY DO

440. HAVE A LOT OF ADMIRATION FOR

441. TEACHERS, I LOOK BACK AND I HAVE

442. SO MUCH ADMIRATION FOR A LOT OF

443. MY TEACHERS.

444. BUT THEN YOU REALIZE YOU HAD

445. SOME TEACHERS THAT WERE BAD,

446. YOU KNOW?

447. ONE OF MY TEACHERS, ONCE,

448. SHE GOES, MR. GLASS, WHEN THEY

449. WERE HANDING OUT BRAINS,

450. YOU THOUGHT THEY SAID TRAINS

451. AND YOU SAID, I DON'T WANT TO GO

452. ANYWHERE.

453. I SAID, YEAH, WHEN THEY WERE

454. HANDING OUT PERSONALITIES,

455. YOU THOUGHT THEY SAID WHO WANTS

456. TO BE A MEAN WHORE.

457. HA, HA, HA.

458. THANK YOU.

459. LOOK, I'M JAY LENO.

460. I LIKE THAT MUSIC.

461. GOD, WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF YOU

462. HAD THAT MUSIC IN REAL LIFE?

463. THAT'S LIKE THAT PRESIDENTIAL

464. MUSIC.

465. THEY SAY WE RUN THE COUNTRY,

466. BUT YOU DON'T HEAR THAT MUSIC

467. WHEN YOU WALK OUT YOUR FRONT

468. DOOR EVERY MORNING.

469. YOU'D BE IN A BETTER MOOD,

470. YOU KNOW?

471. WHAT IF YOU WALKED OUT YOUR

472. FRONT DOOR AND YOU HEARD THAT

473. EVERY MORNING, JUST WALKED OUT

474. YOUR FRONT DOOR AND YOU HEARD

475. THAT.

476. WOULDN'T YOU BE IN A BETTER

477. MOOD?

478. HI, BOB.

479. HOW ARE YOU?

480. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I FLEW

481. HERE ON AH, WHEN DID I FLY HERE?

482. FLEW HERE ON TUESDAY.

483. AH, FLEW HERE TUESDAY.

484. PEOPLE IN FIRST CLASS, WHEW,

485. DID YOU EVER WALK BY THE PEOPLE

486. IN FIRST CLASS?

487. DON'T THEY HAVE AN ATTITUDE?

488. DID YOU EVER WALK BY THEM,

489. SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO LOOK AT

490. YA, I'M JUST A PIECE OF

491. HEADING INTO THE POOR AREA.

492. SORRY DIDN'T MEAN TO LOOK AT

493. YOU.

494. THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE WE

495. GET ON THE PLANE FIRST AND WE

496. GET OUR DRINKS FIRST.

497. I FEEL LIKE GOING AND YOU HIT

498. THE MOUNTAIN FIRST, TOO.

499. OKAY YA PIECE A...

500. ALL RIGHT FOLKS, IT'S TIME FOR

501. MORE IMPRESSIONS.

502. MY IMPRESSION OF GEORGE CARLIN

503. LOST IN A WAREHOUSE.

504. WHY DO THEY CALL IT A WAREHOUSE?

505. YOU DON'T WEAR IT AND IT AIN'T A

506. HOUSE.

507. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

508. GEORGE CARLIN, I MEAN, I ADMIRE

509. GEORGE CARLIN, OF COURSE I DO.

510. I THINK ALL COMICS DO.

511. SEE I LIKE WHEN GEORGE GETS A

512. LITTLE CARRIED AWAY WITH THE

513. BITS.

514. LIKE, THE STEWARDESS SAYS GET ON

515. THE PLANE.

516. YOU, I'M GETTING

517. IN THE PLANE!

518. ALL RIGHT, SHUT UP.

519. YOU KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS GET ON

520. THE PLANE.

521. AH, WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

522. I'M OFF TO DO A BIG COLLEGE

523. TOUR.

524. ALWAYS LIKE DOING THE COLLEGE

525. SHOWS.

526. DO WE HAVE COLLEGE STUDENTS

527. HERE?

528. WHAT COLLEGE DO YOU GO TO, SIR?

529. FORDHAM?

530. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

531. JOHN.

532. BRING JOHN UP HERE, I GOT TO

533. SHOW EVERYBODY SOMETHING.

534. GIVE JOHN A LITTLE SOME...

535. GIVE JOHN A LITTLE MUSIC.

536. COME ON, JOHN.

537. AH, JOHN, GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.

538. HOW ARE YOU?

539. COME ON OVER HERE, JOHN.

540. COME ON OVER HERE.

541. YOUR NAME'S JOHN?

542. CAN I CALL YA JA FOR SHORT?

543. HA, HA, HA, HA.

544. SHUT UP.

545. ALL RIGHT.

546. EATIN' INTO MY TIME HERE.

547. UH, YOU GO TO WHAT'S THE SCHOOL?

548. FORDHAM UNIVERSITY.

549. A VERY GOOD SCHOOL.

550. WHAT I NOTICE, WHEN I DO THESE

551. COLLEGE SHOWS, THEY TAKE YOU OUT

552. AFTERWARDS AND THE BOUNCERS ARE

553. THE SAME WHEN I WENT TO COLLEGE.

554. WHICH IS AMAZING BECAUSE I NEVER

555. WENT TO COLLEGE.

556. BUT FOR THIS BIT, AH, THEY THROW

557. THE KIDS OUT.

558. THEY'RE ROUGH ON THEM.

559. YOU'VE SEEN COLLEGE BOUNCERS.

560. THEY'RE LIKE, GET OUTTA HERE.

561. THAT DOESN'T TEACH A STUDENT

562. A LESSON.

563. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO TEACH

564. A KID A LESSON, YOU HAVE TO DO

565. SOMETHING THAT'S A LITTLE

566. DIFFERENT.

567. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

568. IF A BOUNCER DID THIS TO A

569. COLLEGE STUDENT, IT WOULD FREAK

570. THEM OUT OKAY.

571. SO HERE WE GO, TURN SIDEWAYS,

572. JOHNNY.

573. IS THERE ANYBODY YOU WANT TO SAY

574. "HI" TO ON NATIONAL TV?

575. OKAY.

576. SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

577. PLEASE.

578. YOU KNOW, I GOT A FEW OTHER

579. PLUGS, I GOTTA MAKE MYSELF HERE.

580. SO I'M GONNA SAY LEAVE THOSE

581. LADIES ALONE, RIGHT?

582. YOU GO, I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.

583. ALL RIGHT?

584. WHAT IF A COLLEGE BOUNCER DID

585. THIS, IT WOULD FREAK YOU OUT?

586. I'M GONNA TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME

587. YOUNG MAN, LEAVE THOSE LADIES

588. ALONE.

589. JOHN>> I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.

590. TODD>> OH, YOU WILL, YOU KNOW

591. WHAT?

592. MAYBE YOU'LL START ACTING LIKE A

593. GENTLEMAN.

594. GO SIT DOWN.

595. GO AHEAD.

596. YOU SEE THAT?

597. THAT'S JUST WEIRD.

598. BECAUSE IF YOU'RE AN ADULT

599. AND SOMEONE HITS YOU, YOU KNOW,

600. JOHN, YOU'RE A BIG GUY,

601. YOU'D CLOCK ME BACK, YA KNOW.

602. BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO KNOW?

603. HEY, THAT GUY SPANKED ME,

604. LET'S GET HIM GIRLS.

605. I'M GONNA GO TO PHILADELPHIA

606. TOMORROW TO SEE MY FAMILY,

607. WHICH IS ALWAYS NICE.

608. I HAVE A NIECE.

609. PHILADELPHIA!

610. PHILADELPHIA.

611. ALWAYS SOUNDS LIKE THEY ARE

612. SAYING FLUFFY WHEN THEY TALK.

613. WHERE YOU FROM?

614. FLUFFY.

615. FLUFFY?

616. YEAH.

617. YOU KNOW DA FLUFFY EAGLES?

618. THE FLUFFY EAGLES?

619. NO I NEVER HEARD OF THE FLUFFY

620. EAGLES.

621. NO DA FLUFFY EAGLES.

622. FLUFF, FLUFF, FLUFF.

623. AND THEN I IMITATE THAT

624. IN MY HEAD.

625. YOU KNOW, DID YOU EVER HEAR

626. SOMETHING, LIKE I WHEN,

627. I ONE TIME I HEARD THIS GUY FROM

628. LONG ISLAND LIKE I WAS AT A

629. SANDWICH PLACE AT AN AIRPORT,

630. AND I HEARD HIM GO, YEA, DATS

631. FI DOLLAS.

632. IT'S FI DOLLAS.

633. AND THEN I WAS ON THE AIRPLANE,

634. I WAS SITTING ON THE PLANE

635. IMITATING HIM.

636. SO I'M LIKE, FI DOLLAS,

637. FI DOLLAS.

638. AND THEN THE LADY NEXT TO ME SAW

639. ME.

640. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

641. THEN YOU FEEL LIKE OH MY GOD,

642. I BETTER EXPLAIN, BECAUSE I

643. THINK TO HER IT LOOKS LIKE I HAD

644. TOURETTE'S SYNDROME.

645. I'M LIKE, FI DOLLAS.

646. FI DOLLAS.

647. SO THEN I GO,

648. NO, I'M NOT CRAZY I WAS

649. IMITATING A GUY I HEARD,

650. NEVER MIND, I STILL LOOK CRAZY,

651. YOU KNOW?

652. LIKE I LOOK ANY MORE NORMAL,

653. NO I'M JUST IMITATING A GUY

654. I SAW, FI DOLLAS.

655. FI DOLLAS.

656. GONNA SEE MY NIECE.

657. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO GET HER

658. FOR HER BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR.

659. KATIE, I BOUGHT HER GALLOPING

660. HORSE.

661. ENDED UP BEING A PIECE OF JUNK.

662. DIDN'T EVEN GALLOP, IT LIKE

663. VIBRATED.

664. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.

665. THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

666. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE LIKE ONE

667. OF THOSE HORSES WHEN YOU PUT IT

668. OUTSIDE THE SUPER MARKET YOU OUT

669. THE KID ON IT.

670. NO.

671. THIS THING VIBRATED,

672. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.

673. SHE WAS SITTING ON IT LIKE...

674. SO YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING,

675. BUT I DIDN'T SAY IT, IT'S MY

676. PRECIOUS NIECE, YOU KNOW.

677. THEN MY BROTHER SAID IT,

678. HE GOES, SHE'S GONNA BE ON THAT

679. TILL SHE'S THIRTY, THANKS A LOT.

680. I CAN'T GET MY SISTER OFF OF IT!

681. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A SISTER!

682. HA, HA.

683. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

684. TODD>> I THINK I'M MATURE ENOUGH

685. TO SETTLE DOWN AND HAVE A

686. FAMILY.

687. I UNDERSTAND...

688. BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP,

689. IT'S GREAT, YOU KNOW?

690. IT'S FUN TO ARGUE, YOU KNOW WHAT

691. I MEAN?

692. YOU EVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP

693. YOU ARGUE SO MUCH THAT'S HOW YOU

694. REMEMBER WHERE YOU ARE?

695. DIDN'T WE ARGUE HERE ONCE,

696. SERIOUSLY?

697. DIDN'T YOU THREATEN TO WALK

698. HOME.

699. DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE

700. THAT?

701. MY DAD USE TO ALWAYS THREATEN

702. TO TURN THE CAR AROUND.

703. I'LL TURN THE CAR AROUND!

704. WE'RE HALF WAY TO FLORIDA,

705. GO AHEAD I DARE YA!

706. BWAK, BWAK, BWAK.

707. MY DAD WAS ALWAYS IN THE WRONG

708. BUSINESS, WHATEVER I WANTED.

709. TO GET A BIKE.

710. 180 BUCKS

711. FOR A BIKE?

712. I MUST BE IN THE WRONG BUSINESS.

713. WHATEVER I WANTED, LOOSE LEAF

714. PAPER.

715. 3$.

716. I MUST BE IN THE WRONG BUSINESS.

717. ONE TIME I SNUCK A HOOKER HOME,

718. HE OVER HEARD HER CHARGING ME.

719. 180 BUCKS?

720. I MUST BE IN THE WRONG BUSINESS

721. AND I KEEP DOING THE BIT OVER

722. AND OVER AND OVER.

723. I HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT

724. IT'S LIKE TO RAISE CHILDREN.

725. A LOT OF MY FRIENDS DON'T.

726. ONE OF MY FRIENDS, HE'S LIKE IF

727. I HAD KIDS, I'D BE PATIENT WITH

728. THEM TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY.

729. REALLY?

730. I CAN'T WAIT TILL HE HAS KIDS,

731. YOU KNOW, THE SAME GUY AT THE

732. MALL.

733. I SAID YOU'RE NOT GETTING A

734. LARGE!

735. YOU GET A SMALL OR YOU DON'T GET

736. ANYTHING!

737. THE PROBLEM WITH HAVING KIDS ARE

738. NO ONE SEES WHEN YOU RATIONALIZE

739. WITH YOUR KIDS.

740. THEY DON'T CATCH THAT PART.

741. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

742. YOU'RE AT THE MALL AND YOUR KIDS

743. LIKE I WANNA LARGE AND YOU GO

744. LISTEN, TYLER, YOU GET A SMALL

745. AND IF YOU FINISH THE SMALL YOU

746. CAN GET ANOTHER SMALL.

747. "BUT I WANTED TO GET A LARGE!"

748. LISTEN.

749. DADDY DOESN'T WANT TO YELL AT

750. YOU, CAUSE HE LOVES YOU, IF YOU

751. GET A SMALL...

752. "BUT I WANT A LARGE!"

753. LISTEN.

754. DON'T CRY BECAUSE DADDY GETS

755. UPSET AND HE...

756. "BUT I WANNA GET A..."

757. AND THEN HERE'S WHEN THE PEOPLE

758. WALK IN.

759. YOUR NOT GETTIN' A LARGE YOU

760. LITTLE PIECE OF (BLEEP)!

761. AND NOW YOUR MAD BECAUSE

762. EVERYONE THINKS YOU'RE CRAZY.

763. ALL RIGHT.

764. NOW YOU'RE EVEN MORE MAD.

765. NOW YOU'RE LIKE, HEY, EVERYBODY,

766. I'M NOT NUTS!

767. I AM NOT NUTS, I LOVE MY KID!

768. HE'S A BUTTON PUSHIN',

769. MANIPULITIVE, PIECE OF (BLEEP)!

770. THANK YOU VERY MUCH EVERYBODY.

771. THANK YOU.

772. HOW ABOUT A HAND FOR ALL THE

773. PEOPLE, SERIOUSLY, BEHIND THE

774. SCENES HERE THAT WORK,

775. THE CAMERA PEOPLE,

776. RICK MILL PRODUCTIONS,

777. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

778. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

779. COMEDY CENTRAL.

780. CAPTIONED BY

781. REALTIME CAPTIONING

782. VAN NUYS, CALIFORNIA.