Comedy Central Presents 5x15

1. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

2. FROM NEW YORK CITY...

3. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL

4. WHOA!

5. WOO!

6. LOOK AT YOU!

7. MY GOD!

8. WOW!

9. LOOK AT YOU! HUH?

10. AND LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS PLACE!

11. HUH?

12. THIS STAGE IS FAR TOO BIG FOR MY PURPOSES, HUH?

13. I WON'T BE GOING OVER THERE AT ALL.

14. SO, I'M FROM IRELAND.

15. HOORAY! HOORAY!

16. IT'S FANTASTIC!

17. YOU'RE ALL IRISH! HOORAY!

18. AND I'M TYPICALLY IRISH, REALLY,

19. IN THE SENSE THAT I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE.

20. Y'KNOW, WHEREVER YOU GO IN THE WORLD

21. YOU'RE ALWAYS GONNA RUN INTO A BIG CROWD OF IRISH PEOPLE.

22. ALL OVER NEW YORK, THE UNITED STATES,

23. ALL OVER EUROPE.

24. I GUARANTEE IT, YOU GO DEEP INTO THE HEART OF THE AMAZON JUNGLE

25. YOU WILL STUMBLE UPON A TRIBE

26. OF PREVIOUSLY UNDISCOVERED IRISH PEOPLE.

27. WITH STICKS AND TIN WHISTLES,

28. AND BIG HAIRY EARS.

29. "ARGH, GO ON,

30. YOU'LL HAVE A DRINK, YOU'LL HAVE ONE!"

31. "COME ON, YOU'LL HAVE A DRINK!

32. COME ON!"

33. HUH?

34. NOW, THE BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IRISH PEOPLE AND AMERICAN PEOPLE

35. IS THAT WE DON'T LIKE TO COMPLAIN,

36. AND YOU'RE VERY GOOD AT IT.

37. IN RESTAURANTS, Y'KNOW,

38. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE FOOD YOU SEND IT BACK.

39. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE CURTAINS, YOU BURN THEM, HUH?

40. IN IRELAND, WE ACCEPT WHAT WE'RE GIVEN.

41. LIKEWISE, IF YOU'VE GOT HAIR, AND YOU GO INTO A BARBER'S,

42. AND YOU GET YOUR HAIR CUT,

43. AND THE BARBER MAKES A COMPLETE MESS OF IT, AND SAYS,

44. "HOW IS THAT FOR YA?"

45. YOU ALWAYS GO, "AH, THAT'S GRAND, THANKS VERY MUCH.

46. "I FEEL LIKE A KING, THANK YOU.

47. YOU'RE A GENIUS WITH THOSE SCISSORS."

48. AND LIKEWISE, I WAS ON THE PLANE, ON THE WAY TO NEW YORK.

49. AND THE STEWARDESS CAME OVER TO ME AND SHE SAID,

50. "WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

51. AND I SAID I WAS IRISH, BECAUSE IT WAS TRUE,

52. AND I DIDN'T WANT TO MESS HER AROUND, Y'KNOW?

53. NOT AT THAT ALTITUDE.

54. AND SHE SAID TO ME, "OH, YOU'RE IRISH, ARE YA?

55. WELL, YOU'LL BE NEEDING THIS, SO..."

56. AND SHE LEFT THE DRINKS TROLLEY THERE BESIDE ME.

57. NOW, WAIT!

58. NOW, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

59. HOW ARE YOU, HOW ARE— ?

60. YOU'RE GOOD? THAT'S GREAT!

61. THAT'S MARVELOUS!

62. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

63. WE'RE NOT WELL IN IRELAND.

64. PEOPLE AREN'T WELL, PEOPLE ARE SICK.

65. THEY'RE SICKER THAN THEY'VE EVER BEEN BEFORE.

66. WE'RE MORE SICK, MORE OFTEN.

67. IS IT THE SAME HERE?

68. "HOW ARE YOU?"

69. "OH, I'VE GOT AN AWFUL BUG.

70. "I'VE HAD IT FOR ABOUT FOUR YEARS NOW,

71. CAN'T SEEM TO SHRUG IT OFF."

72. Y'KNOW, IN THE OLD DAYS PEOPLE JUST GOT ON WITH IT.

73. EVEN THE TERMINALLY ILL.

74. "HOW ARE YOU?" "I'M FINE!"

75. "WHAT ABOUT THE HORRENDOUS PAIN?"

76. "OH, IT HELPS PASS THE TIME!"

77. YEAH?

78. AND OF COURSE, MEN GET MUCH SICKER THAN WOMEN.

79. YOU KNOW THIS?

80. THE SAME SYMPTOMS, MEN SUFFER MORE.

81. AND THERE'S A REASON FOR THIS,

82. WHY MEN EXPERIENCE PAIN MORE ACUTELY THAN WOMEN.

83. AND THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S ALWAYS A PART OF A WOMAN'S BRAIN

84. THINKING ABOUT SHOES.

85. YEAH?

86. OF COURSE, YEAH.

87. YOU KNOW THIS.

88. YOU SEE, WOMEN ARE CAPABLE OF HAVING MORE THAN ONE THOUGHT

89. AT ANY ONE TIME.

90. MEN CAN'T! "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

91. "I DON'T KNOW, I HAVE A RUNNY NOSE."

92. WOMEN CAN BE THINKING ABOUT THEIR RUNNY NOSE,

93. AND THEY CAN BE THINKING ABOUT THEIR WORK,

94. AND WHAT THEY'RE HAVING FOR DINNER TOMORROW.

95. AND THEY'LL BE RECALLING EVERY WORD OF A CONVERSATION

96. THEY'VE JUST HAD WITH A FRIEND,

97. TO FIND OUT IF THERE'S ANY OFFENSE CAUSED OR RECEIVED.

98. Y'KNOW?

99. AND THEY CAN BE PLOTTING THEIR REVENGE—

100. ANY AMOUNT OF THINGS!

101. NOW, I'VE NO RESPECT FOR DOCTORS ANYMORE.

102. I'VE LOST ALL MY RESPECT FOR THE MEDICAL PROFESSION.

103. THEY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

104. YOU GO IN THERE AND THEY SAY,

105. "WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

106. "I DON'T KNOW, IT'S NOT MY JOB TO THINK,

107. IT'S YOUR JOB TO THINK!"

108. "I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE A BUG."

109. "OH, REALLY? THANKS A MILLION!

110. WHAT BUG?"

111. AND THE MOST YOU CAN EXPECT IS A PRESCRIPTION

112. FOR SOME ANTIBIOTICS.

113. NOW, WHERE I COME FROM,

114. WHEN YOU GET A PRESCRIPTION FOR ANTIBIOTICS,

115. YOU DON'T SAY, "WELL, WILL THEY WORK?"

116. OR, "WILL THERE BE ANY SIDE EFFECTS?"

117. NO,"WILL I BE ABLE TO DRINK WITH THESE?"

118. NOW, I KNOW— I CAN SEE FROM HERE—

119. THAT YOU ALL LOOK VERY FIT AND HEALTHY, ALTOGETHER.

120. YOU LOOK GREAT, ACTUALLY.

121. I'M STANDING HERE ADMIRING YOUR MAGNIFICENT TORSOS THERE.

122. CONGRATULATIONS.

123. AND YOUR BIG LEGS, LIKE TREE TRUNKS, HUH?

124. BIG, MOSSY LEGS,

125. SQUIRRELS RUNNING UP AND DOWN THEM.

126. LOVELY— I DON'T HAVE A TORSO AT ALL.

127. THERE'S SUCH A GREAT EMPHASIS HERE, IN THE UNITED STATES,

128. ON LOOKING GOOD AND FEELING GOOD.

129. USUALLY AT AN ENORMOUS EXPENSE TO YOUR PERSONALITY, I FIND.

130. GOOD.

131. WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH.

132. AND THIS FRIEND OF MINE—

133. NOT REALLY A FRIEND, BUT A PERSON I KNOW.

134. IN FACT, I HATE HIM— THIS PERSON I HATE...

135. HE SUGGESTED TO ME THAT I GO ON A "FUN RUN"

136. TO RAISE MONEY FOR CHARITY.

137. NOW I JUST LAUGHED IN HIS FACE.

138. BECAUSE YOU KNOW, THOSE TWO WORDS "FUN" AND "RUN"--

139. THEY SHOULD NEVER BE SEEN TOGETHER IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

140. IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY WITH A BIG LUMP ON THE SIDE OF THEIR HEAD,

141. SAYING, "HEY, LOOK AT MY 'HUMOR TUMOR'."

142. Y'KNOW?

143. RUNNING IS NEVER FUN.

144. RUNNING IS SOMETHING YOU DO

145. WHEN THERE'S A MAN CHASING YOU WITH A KNIFE!

146. YES.

147. AND YOU SEE LOTS OF PEOPLE GOING AROUND NOW

148. WITH LITTLE BOTTLES OF WATER.

149. THEY'RE DRINKING THREE AND FOUR LITERS OF WATER A DAY!

150. YOU SEE THEM THERE—

151. "I'VE GOT MY BOTTLE OF WATER, MMM.

152. "I'M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER.

153. NUM-NUM-NUM-NUM NUM-NUM-NUM-NUM!"

154. SOMEBODY SHOULD TELL THEM WE'RE NOT PLANTS!

155. Y'KNOW?

156. WE'RE HIGHLY COMPLEX BEINGS!

157. WE CAN DRINK COFFEE AND ALCOHOL,

158. WE COULD DRINK GASOLINE IF WE WANTED TO.

159. IF IT WASN'T SO EXPENSIVE.

160. YEAH! YEAH!

161. SO, CONDOMS— THEY'RE USELESS, AREN'T THEY?

162. THEY ARE.

163. THEY'RE USELESS AND THEY'RE INEFFECTIVE,

164. AND THEY BURST.

165. AND YOUR STOMACH JUST CAN'T COPE

166. WITH THE SUDDEN IMPACT OF TWO KILOS OF COCAINE.

167. IT'S A VERY DELICATE ORGAN, THE STOMACH.

168. NOW, SOME OF YOU KNOW THIS,

169. THE BEST WAY TO SMUGGLE DRUGS INTO A COUNTRY,

170. IF THAT'S WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO, AND I'M NOT RECOMMENDING IT.

171. THE BEST THING TO DO IS TO PLACE THEM CAREFULLY

172. IN A DOG'S BOTTOM, LIKE SO.

173. YEAH.

174. JUST SHOVE THEM UP A DOG'S ARSE.

175. BECAUSE AT THE AIRPORT,

176. IF THE SNIFFER DOGS SUSPECT ANYTHING, THEY UM...

177. Y'KNOW, THE OFFICIALS WILL THINK THEY'RE JUST BEING FRISKY.

178. SO IT'S FOOLPROOF.

179. UNLESS OF COURSE, YOUR DOG WEARS SUNGLASSES AND SWEATS A LOT—

180. THAT WOULD GIVE IT ALL AWAY.

181. SO, AH, I SUPPOSE SHEEP GET A LOT HEAVIER

182. WHEN THEY'RE WET, DON'T THEY, HMM?

183. AFTER A BIG DOWNPOUR THEY CAN HARDLY WALK

184. WITH THE EXTRA WEIGHT, CAN THEY?

185. ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE CARRYING PASSENGERS AND LUGGAGE.

186. ARE YOU STILL WITH ME?

187. NOW, COWS— THEY'RE NOT ABSORBENT AT ALL,

188. UNLIKE SHEEP.

189. I MEAN, THE WATER JUST RUNS OFF A COW'S BACK

190. LIKE IT WOULD OFF A LITTLE DUCK'S BACK.

191. AND A DUCK WOULD RUN OFF A COW'S BACK TOO

192. LIKE WATER WOULD OFF A DUCK'S BACK.

193. BUT A DUCK WOULDN'T RUN OFF A SHEEP'S BACK, Y'KNOW?

194. IT WOULD TRY VERY HARD BUT WOULDN'T GET VERY FAR.

195. IT WOULD JUST BE ABSORBED INTO THE WOOL.

196. AND YOU'D HAVE A SHEEP FULL OF DEAD DUCKS.

197. AND THAT'S NO GOOD TO ANYONE REALLY, IS IT?

198. Y'KNOW, THE SHEPHERD WOULD THINK, "THAT'S A UNIQUE PELT,

199. I'LL GET A GOOD PRICE FOR THAT."

200. SO, AH...

201. NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

202. SO ANYBODY EXPECTING SOME HARD-HITTING

203. POLITICAL SATIRE FROM ME THIS EVENING

204. MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY DISAPPOINTED AT THIS STAGE.

205. UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU'RE FARMYARD ANIMALS.

206. AND THEN YOU'LL BE THINKING, "OH, THERE'S A FELLOW

207. "TOUCHING ON THE ISSUES THAT AFFECT US!

208. "THAT WHOLE ABSORBENCY DEBATE

209. "IS RAGING IN THE FIELDS AT THE MOMENT.

210. MRRRR!"

211. ANYWAY...

212. NOW, I AH— I DON'T KNOW AN AWFUL LOT ABOUT NEW YORK,

213. I'VE BEEN HERE A COUPLE OF TIMES.

214. I LOVE NEW YORK, IT'S A MAGNIFICENT CITY.

215. THE THING I LOVE MOST ABOUT IT IS ITS DIVERSITY.

216. Y'KNOW, I NEVER KNEW THERE WERE SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS

217. OF SAYING "YOU!"

218. IT'S FANTASTIC.

219. BUT, ONE THING I WOULDN'T DO HERE,

220. IS I WOULDN'T TRY AND DRIVE IN MANHATTAN.

221. YOU DRIVE LIKE CRAZY HERE.

222. Y'KNOW, I DON'T APPROVE OF DRINK-DRIVING,

223. BUT I'D NEED TO HAVE A FEW DRINKS

224. TO PLUCK UP THE COURAGE TO DRIVE, Y'KNOW?

225. YEAH.

226. IT'S MAD ON THE ROADS.

227. AND THE MOST DANGEROUS PEOPLE ON THE ROAD

228. ARE THE AMBULANCE DRIVERS, THEY'RE RECKLESS.

229. NOW, I HAVE NO RESPECT AT ALL

230. FOR THAT PARTICULAR EMERGENCY VEHICLE.

231. AND THE THING I DISLIKE MOST ABOUT THE AMBULANCE

232. IS THE WAY THEY HAVE THE WORD "AMBULANCE"

233. SPELLED BACKWARDS—

234. EMBLAZONED ACROSS THE FRONT OF THE VEHICLE.

235. NOW, THE THINKING BEING THAT YOU'RE DRIVING ALONG IN TRAFFIC,

236. AND YOU LOOK IN YOUR REARVIEW MIRROR,

237. AND YOU SAY, "OH, THERE'S AN AMBULANCE BEHIND ME.

238. SO I BETTER PULL OVER."

239. THAT'S ASSUMING THAT YOU HAVEN'T HEARD

240. THE INCREDIBLY LOUD SIREN IN THE FIRST PLACE.

241. Y'KNOW, THEY THINK WE'RE IDIOTS, DON'T THEY?

242. SO WHENEVER I SEE AN AMBULANCE COMING TOWARDS ME,

243. DOWN THE WRONG SIDE OF THE STREET,

244. AS THEY OFTEN DO—

245. I THINK TO MYSELF, "HMM, WELL, I HEAR THE SIREN ALL RIGHT.

246. BUT HOW CAN I BE SURE?"

247. Y'KNOW, HUH?

248. HOW CAN I BE SURE, Y'KNOW?

249. GOD, I'M EXHAUSTED ALREADY.

250. I HAVE NO ENERGY AT ALL.

251. I USED UP ALL MY ENERGY IN MY YOUTH,

252. RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE, PRETENDING TO BE A HORSE.

253. I MEAN, THE ONLY EXERCISE I GET NOW

254. WOULD BE A VOMIT ON A FRIDAY NIGHT, SO...

255. IT'S NOT MUCH GOOD TO ME.

256. KEEPS ME IN TRIM.

257. AND I HAD AN OPERATION A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO.

258. NOTHING TOO SERIOUS.

259. JUST HAVING MY PAJAMAS SURGICALLY REMOVED.

260. BUT THIS OPERATION, IT DID INVOLVE ME

261. HAVING MY GENITAL AREA SHAVED.

262. AND I WAS A BIT NERVOUS ABOUT THIS AT FIRST.

263. BUT TO BE HONEST, I'VE BEEN DOING IT EVER SINCE.

264. YEAH, BABY!

265. IT'S JUST ALL THE GUYS IN THE WARD SAID

266. I LOOKED MUCH YOUNGER WITHOUT IT, Y'KNOW?

267. APPARENTLY IT TAKES YEARS OFF ME!

268. WELL, ONCE YOU START SHAVING AN AREA

269. YOU JUST CAN'T STOP!

270. IT GROWS WILDLY OUT OF CONTROL!

271. I'M STANDING UP HERE AT THE MOMENT,

272. IT FEELS LIKE I'VE GOT DON KING'S HEAD IN MY UNDERPANTS!

273. AND THAT'S NOT A VERY PLEASANT THOUGHT, Y'KNOW?

274. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE DON KING.

275. I'M PERMANENTLY EXHAUSTED.

276. I SAW A SIGN ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD THE OTHER DAY,

277. IT SAID, "TIREDNESS CAN KILL."

278. I NEVER KNEW THAT.

279. LAST SATURDAY, I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT WATCHING MOVIES.

280. I COULD'VE DIED.

281. NOBODY TELLS YA THESE THINGS!

282. I LOVE SLEEPING.

283. I THINK SLEEPLESSNESS IS THE ROOT CAUSE

284. OF ALL THE PROBLEMS IN SOCIETY TODAY.

285. PEOPLE DON'T GET ENOUGH SLEEP, Y'KNOW?

286. THEY WORK TOO HARD AND THEY'RE STRESSED OUT.

287. THEY MAKE MISTAKES AND COMMIT CRIMES,

288. AND GROW LONG BEARDS AND RUN AMUCK IN THE WORKPLACE

289. WITH AUTOMATIC WEAPONS.

290. I THINK THERE SHOULD BE A SPANISH-STYLE SIESTA

291. IN THIS COUNTRY, YES.

292. THERE SHOULD.

293. FROM ABOUT HALF-ELEVEN IN THE MORNING

294. UNTIL THURSDAY, WOULD BE ABOUT RIGHT.

295. AND A DOCTOR FRIEND OF MINE WAS TELLING ME TO RELAX.

296. AND HE SAID THE BEST WAY TO RELAX IS TO GO ON HOLIDAYS.

297. AND Y'KNOW, THAT'S FAR FROM BEING RELAXING,

298. GOING ON HOLIDAYS IS THE MOST STRESSFUL THING YOU CAN DO IN YOUR LIFE!

299. YOU'RE IN A BLIND PANIC BEFORE YOU EVEN

300. LEAVE THE HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

301. THINKING OF ALL THE THINGS YOU HAVE TO DO—

302. "OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL THE MILK.

303. AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT DOWN THE DOG."

304. AND—

305. Y'KNOW?

306. AND LEAVING A LIGHT ON

307. DOESN'T FOOL THE BURGLARS FOR A SECOND.

308. THEY KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT!

309. I'M GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE A HAIR DRYER ON FOR TWO WEEKS.

310. SO AS THEY'LL THINK THERE'S SOMEBODY INSIDE

311. WITH A MASSIVE HEAD OF HAIR!

312. THEY'LL THINK DON KING'S LOOKING AFTER THE HOUSE!

313. ANYWAY...

314. SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW THAT IRELAND HAS THE REPUTATION

315. FOR BEING A GREAT LITERARY NATION.

316. YOU WALK INTO ANY BAR IN DUBLIN,

317. APPARENTLY IT'S FULL OF WRITERS AND POETS.

318. MOST OTHER COUNTRIES, THEY'RE CALLED DRUNKS.

319. NOT IN IRELAND.

320. AND LIKE MOST IRISH PEOPLE, I'VE WRITTEN A NOVEL AS WELL.

321. IT'S NOT MY FIRST.

322. I'VE BEEN WRITING FOR YEARS

323. UNDER THE PSEUDONYM MAEVE BINCHY.

324. GOING QUITE WELL.

325. AND THIS PERSON ASKED ME,

326. IF I WAS EVER STUCK ON A DESERT ISLAND—

327. I WAS ON A RADIO TALK SHOW, AND THE PRESENTER ASKED ME

328. IF I WAS EVER STUCK ON A DESERT ISLAND,

329. WHAT TWO BOOKS WOULD I BRING WITH ME?

330. AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE THREAT IMPLIED IN THAT QUESTION.

331. AND I SAID TO HER,

332. "THE FIRST BOOK I'D BRING WITH ME

333. WOULD BE A BIG, PLASTIC INFLATABLE BOOK..."

334. "AND THE SECOND ONE WOULD BE

335. "'HOW TO MAKE OARS OUT OF SAND'.

336. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!"

337. THAT SHUT HER UP.

338. I DON'T LIKE LENDING MY BOOKS TO PEOPLE.

339. Y'KNOW, PARTLY BECAUSE,

340. THEY'RE PART OF YOUR IDENTITY, YOUR BOOKS.

341. AND ALSO, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT I ALREADY KNOW.

342. Y'KNOW?

343. I'VE INVESTED A LOT OF TIME AND EFFORT

344. IN ACQUIRING THAT KNOWLEDGE.

345. I DON'T WANT TO THROW AWAY MY SLENDER ADVANTAGE, Y'KNOW?

346. OF COURSE, I LEND THEM BOOKS, YES.

347. I SAY, "HERE'S 'ANGELA'S ASHES', TAKE THAT.

348. THERE YOU GO."

349. NOW, THE OTHER REASON I DON'T LIKE LENDING BOOKS TO PEOPLE

350. IS THAT PEOPLE HAVE THIS DISGUSTING HABIT

351. OF LICKING THEIR THUMBS BEFORE TURNING A PAGE.

352. I'VE GOT A VEGETARIAN FRIEND WHO DOES THIS,

353. AND HE BORROWS MY BOOKS ALL THE TIME.

354. AND WHAT I DO IS, I SMEAR THE CORNERS OF THE PAGES

355. WITH BITS OF GREASY BACON, YEAH.

356. AND I STICK A SAUSAGE IN THE MIDDLE AS A BOOKMARK.

357. NOW, I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING,

358. THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD,

359. TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM TONIGHT.

360. THERE ARE THOSE WHO HAVE LOTS OF CASUAL SEX WITH STRANGERS.

361. AND THERE'S, THERE'S JEALOUS PEOPLE.

362. AND THERE THEY ARE OVER THERE.

363. THIS COULD BE YOUR LUCKY NIGHT.

364. ANYWAY...

365. AND ACCORDING TO A MAGAZINE I GET CALLED

366. "GROSS GENERALIZATION"-- VERY IMPORTANT PUBLICATION—

367. A PERSON HAS SEX 2,580 TIMES IN HIS OR HER LIFE.

368. THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT OF SEX,

369. IT MEANS I HAVE AN AWFUL LOT OF CATCHING UP TO DO.

370. I USED TO GET THIS IRISH-CATHOLIC MAGAZINE

371. CALLED "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES".

372. IT PAINTED A VERY DIFFERENT PICTURE.

373. I WAS TRYING TO WORK OUT AN AVERAGE.

374. HOW MANY TIMES A YEAR IS THAT?

375. ASSUMING YOU START HAVING SEX WHEN YOU'RE 33...

376. AND YOU KEEP GOING ON TILL YOU'RE MARRIED FOR AWHILE.

377. SOME OF YOU KNOW THAT MARRIAGE IS

378. WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE JOINED TOGETHER TO BECOME

379. ONE DESPERATELY BORING PERSON.

380. AND, NOW IN IRELAND, IT TOOK US QUITE A WHILE TO CATCH UP.

381. I MEAN, WERE VERY SEXUALLY LIBERATED NOW OF COURSE,

382. AS A NATION.

383. BUT IT WASN'T ALWAYS THE CASE, YOU SEE,

384. BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE THE '60s IN IRELAND.

385. WE WENT STRAIGHT FROM THE '50s TO 1972.

386. SO WE DIDN'T EXPERIENCE NOTIONS OF "FLOWER POWER"

387. OR "FREE LOVE", OR WOODSTOCK.

388. WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT, Y'KNOW?

389. WE WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN WHAT TO DO WITH FREE LOVE.

390. WE'D BE SAYING, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?

391. "WHAT ARE YOU AFTER, MY LAND, HUH?

392. GO AWAY."

393. IF IT WAS FREE DRINK, THAT WOULD BE A DIFFERENT STORY.

394. AND THEN AFTER A FEW FREE DRINKS

395. WE'D BE WONDERING, IS THE FREE LOVE STILL GOING?

396. BUT LUCKILY, I HAVE NO INTEREST IN SEX AT ALL.

397. Y'KNOW, IT'S SO UNDIGNIFIED REALLY, ISN'T IT?

398. ATTACHING YOURSELF TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING LIKE THAT.

399. OH!

400. AND MAKING ALL THOSE FACES.

401. AND THOSE NOISES— "HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH."

402. SURELY THERE MUST BE A MORE DIGNIFIED WAY

403. TO EXPRESS YOUR LOVE AND ADMIRATION

404. FOR ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

405. Y'KNOW, LIKE BAKING THEM A NICE CAKE OR SOMETHING.

406. OR JUST LEAVING THEM ALONE FOR AWHILE.

407. THAT WOULD DO.

408. AH...

409. AND SOME PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO REALIZE

410. THAT SEX IS A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF A RELATIONSHIP.

411. LET'S JUST PICK A GENDER AT RANDOM HERE.

412. SOME WOMEN DON'T SEEM TO KNOW ABOUT THIS, Y'KNOW?

413. IT'S NEVER THE RIGHT TIME, Y'KNOW,

414. THEY'VE ALWAYS GOT A HEADACHE

415. OR THEY'RE TOO TIRED, Y'KNOW?

416. OR THEY HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO

417. LIKE PUTTING THINGS IN LITTLE BOXES.

418. Y'KNOW?

419. WELL, TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME, CAN'T THEY?

420. LET'S START THE GENDER WAR.

421. Y'KNOW, THE SHOE WILL BE ON THE OTHER FOOT THEN,

422. WE'LL SEE WHO'S GOT THE HEADACHE, WHO'S TOO TIRED,

423. WHO'S GOT TO PUT THE LITTLE THINGS IN THE BOXES.

424. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

425. SO, A FRIEND OF MINE WAS RECENTLY TELLING ME

426. THAT I SHOULD TELL MY DAD THAT I LOVE HIM BEFORE HE DIES.

427. AND I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS,

428. BUT WHAT IF I GOT THE TIMING WRONG?

429. Y'KNOW?

430. AND HE LIVED FOR ANOTHER 20 YEARS.

431. I DON'T THINK EITHER OF US COULD COPE WITH THE EMBARRASSMENT.

432. I'D HAVE TO KILL HIM.

433. OH, THAT'S ABOUT ALL I KNOW REALLY.

434. YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.

435. I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO COME HERE AT ALL, Y'KNOW.

436. I EXPECTED COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

437. BUT, YOU'VE BEEN MARVELOUS.

438. Y'KNOW, I COULDN'T WISH FOR A BETTER AUDIENCE.

439. IF I PUT MONEY IN A WISHING WELL,

440. I DON'T WISH FOR LOVE OR RICHES OR ANYTHING.

441. I JUST WISH THAT NOBODY ELSE'S WISHES COME TRUE.

442. AND THAT ALWAYS WORKS, Y'KNOW?

443. SORRY ABOUT THAT, IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

444. SO I WISH I HAD A BIG FINISH FOR YOU PEOPLE.

445. AND I WISH I HAD A BIGGER START.

446. AND I WISH THERE WAS MORE BIGNESS IN THE MIDDLE.

447. BUT LIKE I SAID, IT'S NOT "RIVERDANCE", Y'KNOW?

448. AND WHERE I COME FROM WE DON'T EXPECT VERY MUCH.

449. I MEAN, THERE'S A SAYING IN MY HOME TOWN—

450. IF YOU EXPECT A KICK IN THE BALLS

451. AND YOU GET A SLAP IN THE FACE, THEN IT'S A VICTORY.

452. SO...

453. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR LISTENING, GOOD NIGHT.

454. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL