Comedy Central Presents 5x15

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Irish comedian Ardal O'Hanlon jokes about his native country in this Comedy Central Presents stand-up special.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

2. FROM NEW YORK CITY...

3. Captioning made possible by

4. WHOA!

5. WOO!

6. LOOK AT YOU!

7. MY GOD!

8. WOW!

9. LOOK AT YOU! HUH?

10. OF THIS PLACE!

11. HUH?

12. FOR MY PURPOSES, HUH?

13. I WON'T BE GOING OVER THERE AT ALL.

14. SO, I'M FROM IRELAND.

15. HOORAY! HOORAY!

16. IT'S FANTASTIC!

17. YOU'RE ALL IRISH! HOORAY!

18. AND I'M TYPICALLY IRISH, REALLY,

19. IN THE SENSE THAT I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE.

20. Y'KNOW, WHEREVER

21. YOU'RE ALWAYS GONNA RUN INTO A BIG CROWD OF IRISH PEOPLE.

22. ALL OVER NEW YORK, THE UNITED STATES,

23. ALL OVER EUROPE.

24. I GUARANTEE IT, YOU GO DEEP INTO

25. IRISH PEOPLE.

26. TIN WHISTLES,

27. AND BIG HAIRY EARS.

28. "ARGH, GO ON,

29. YOU'LL HAVE A DRINK, YOU'LL HAVE ONE!"

30. "COME ON, YOU'LL HAVE A DRINK!

31. COME ON!"

32. HUH?

33. NOW, THE BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

34. IS THAT WE DON'T LIKE TO COMPLAIN,

35. AND YOU'RE VERY GOOD AT IT.

36. IN RESTAURANTS, Y'KNOW,

37. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE FOOD YOU SEND IT BACK.

38. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE CURTAINS, YOU BURN THEM, HUH?

39. IN IRELAND, WE ACCEPT WHAT WE'RE GIVEN.

40. LIKEWISE, IF YOU'VE GOT HAIR, AND YOU GO INTO A BARBER'S,

41. AND YOU GET YOUR HAIR CUT,

42. MESS OF IT, AND SAYS,

43. "HOW IS THAT FOR YA?"

44. YOU ALWAYS GO, "AH, THAT'S GRAND, THANKS VERY MUCH.

45. "I FEEL LIKE A KING, THANK YOU.

46. YOU'RE A GENIUS WITH THOSE SCISSORS."

47. AND LIKEWISE, I WAS ON THE PLANE, ON THE WAY TO NEW YORK.

48. TO ME AND SHE SAID,

49. "WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

50. AND I SAID I WAS IRISH, BECAUSE IT WAS TRUE,

51. AND I DIDN'T WANT TO MESS HER AROUND, Y'KNOW?

52. NOT AT THAT ALTITUDE.

53. AND SHE SAID TO ME, "OH, YOU'RE IRISH, ARE YA?

54. WELL, YOU'LL BE NEEDING THIS, SO..."

55. THERE BESIDE ME.

56. NOW, WAIT!

57. NOW, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

58. HOW ARE YOU, HOW ARE— ?

59. YOU'RE GOOD? THAT'S GREAT!

60. THAT'S MARVELOUS!

61. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

62. WE'RE NOT WELL IN IRELAND.

63. PEOPLE AREN'T WELL, PEOPLE ARE SICK.

64. THEY'RE SICKER THAN THEY'VE EVER BEEN BEFORE.

65. WE'RE MORE SICK, MORE OFTEN.

66. IS IT THE SAME HERE?

67. "HOW ARE YOU?"

68. "OH, I'VE GOT AN AWFUL BUG.

69. "I'VE HAD IT FOR ABOUT FOUR YEARS NOW,

70. CAN'T SEEM TO SHRUG IT OFF."

71. Y'KNOW, IN THE OLD DAYS PEOPLE JUST GOT ON WITH IT.

72. EVEN THE TERMINALLY ILL.

73. "HOW ARE YOU?" "I'M FINE!"

74. "WHAT ABOUT THE HORRENDOUS PAIN?"

75. "OH, IT HELPS PASS THE TIME!"

76. YEAH?

77. AND OF COURSE, MEN GET MUCH SICKER THAN WOMEN.

78. YOU KNOW THIS?

79. THE SAME SYMPTOMS, MEN SUFFER MORE.

80. AND THERE'S A REASON FOR THIS,

81. MORE ACUTELY THAN WOMEN.

82. AND THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S ALWAYS A PART OF A WOMAN'S BRAIN

83. THINKING ABOUT SHOES.

84. YEAH?

85. OF COURSE, YEAH.

86. YOU KNOW THIS.

87. YOU SEE, WOMEN ARE CAPABLE OF

88. AT ANY ONE TIME.

89. MEN CAN'T! "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

90. "I DON'T KNOW, I HAVE A RUNNY NOSE."

91. ABOUT THEIR RUNNY NOSE,

92. ABOUT THEIR WORK,

93. AND WHAT THEY'RE HAVING FOR DINNER TOMORROW.

94. AND THEY'LL BE RECALLING

95. THEY'VE JUST HAD WITH A FRIEND,

96. TO FIND OUT IF THERE'S ANY OFFENSE CAUSED OR RECEIVED.

97. Y'KNOW?

98. ANY AMOUNT OF THINGS!

99. NOW, I'VE NO RESPECT FOR DOCTORS ANYMORE.

100. I'VE LOST ALL MY RESPECT FOR THE MEDICAL PROFESSION.

101. THEY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

102. AND THEY SAY,

103. "WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

104. "I DON'T KNOW, IT'S NOT MY JOB TO THINK,

105. IT'S YOUR JOB TO THINK!"

106. "I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE A BUG."

107. "OH, REALLY? THANKS A MILLION!

108. WHAT BUG?"

109. FOR SOME ANTIBIOTICS.

110. NOW, WHERE I COME FROM,

111. FOR ANTIBIOTICS,

112. YOU DON'T SAY, "WELL, WILL THEY WORK?"

113. OR, "WILL THERE BE ANY SIDE EFFECTS?"

114. NO,"WILL I BE ABLE TO DRINK WITH THESE?"

115. NOW, I KNOW—

116. FIT AND HEALTHY, ALTOGETHER.

117. YOU LOOK GREAT, ACTUALLY.

118. I'M STANDING HERE ADMIRING YOUR MAGNIFICENT TORSOS THERE.

119. CONGRATULATIONS.

120. AND YOUR BIG LEGS, LIKE TREE TRUNKS, HUH?

121. BIG, MOSSY LEGS,

122. UP AND DOWN THEM.

123. LOVELY— I DON'T HAVE A TORSO AT ALL.

124. THERE'S SUCH A GREAT EMPHASIS HERE, IN THE UNITED STATES,

125. AND FEELING GOOD.

126. TO YOUR PERSONALITY, I FIND.

127. GOOD.

128. WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH.

129. NOT REALLY A FRIEND, BUT A PERSON I KNOW.

130. IN FACT, I HATE HIM— THIS PERSON I HATE...

131. I GO ON A "FUN RUN"

132. FOR CHARITY.

133. IN HIS FACE.

134. BECAUSE YOU KNOW, THOSE TWO WORDS "FUN" AND "RUN"--

135. TOGETHER IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

136. IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY WITH A BIG LUMP ON THE SIDE OF THEIR HEAD,

137. SAYING, "HEY, LOOK AT MY 'HUMOR TUMOR'."

138. Y'KNOW?

139. RUNNING IS NEVER FUN.

140. WHEN THERE'S A MAN CHASING YOU WITH A KNIFE!

141. YES.

142. BOTTLES OF WATER.

143. THEY'RE DRINKING THREE AND FOUR LITERS OF WATER A DAY!

144. "I'VE GOT MY BOTTLE OF WATER, MMM.

145. "I'M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER.

146. NUM-NUM-NUM-NUM NUM-NUM-NUM-NUM!"

147. WE'RE NOT PLANTS!

148. Y'KNOW?

149. WE'RE HIGHLY COMPLEX BEINGS!

150. AND ALCOHOL,

151. IF WE WANTED TO.

152. IF IT WASN'T SO EXPENSIVE.

153. YEAH! YEAH!

154. SO, CONDOMS— THEY'RE USELESS, AREN'T THEY?

155. THEY ARE.

156. THEY'RE USELESS AND THEY'RE INEFFECTIVE,

157. AND THEY BURST.

158. JUST CAN'T COPE

159. OF TWO KILOS OF COCAINE.

160. IT'S A VERY DELICATE ORGAN, THE STOMACH.

161. NOW, SOME OF YOU KNOW THIS,

162. INTO A COUNTRY,

163. IF THAT'S WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO, AND I'M NOT RECOMMENDING IT.

164. IN A DOG'S BOTTOM, LIKE SO.

165. YEAH.

166. A DOG'S ARSE.

167. BECAUSE AT THE AIRPORT,

168. ANYTHING, THEY UM...

169. Y'KNOW, THE OFFICIALS WILL THINK THEY'RE JUST BEING FRISKY.

170. SO IT'S FOOLPROOF.

171. UNLESS OF COURSE, YOUR DOG WEARS

172. GIVE IT ALL AWAY.

173. SO, AH, I SUPPOSE SHEEP

174. WHEN THEY'RE WET, DON'T THEY, HMM?

175. WITH THE EXTRA WEIGHT, CAN THEY?

176. ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE CARRYING PASSENGERS AND LUGGAGE.

177. ARE YOU STILL WITH ME?

178. NOW, COWS— THEY'RE NOT ABSORBENT AT ALL,

179. UNLIKE SHEEP.

180. I MEAN, THE WATER JUST RUNS OFF A COW'S BACK

181. LITTLE DUCK'S BACK.

182. A COW'S BACK TOO

183. OFF A DUCK'S BACK.

184. BUT A DUCK WOULDN'T RUN OFF A SHEEP'S BACK, Y'KNOW?

185. BUT WOULDN'T GET VERY FAR.

186. INTO THE WOOL.

187. AND YOU'D HAVE A SHEEP FULL OF DEAD DUCKS.

188. AND THAT'S NO GOOD TO ANYONE REALLY, IS IT?

189. Y'KNOW, THE SHEPHERD WOULD THINK, "THAT'S A UNIQUE PELT,

190. I'LL GET A GOOD PRICE FOR THAT."

191. SO, AH...

192. NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

193. AT THIS STAGE.

194. UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU'RE FARMYARD ANIMALS.

195. AND THEN YOU'LL BE THINKING, "OH, THERE'S A FELLOW

196. "TOUCHING ON THE ISSUES THAT AFFECT US!

197. "THAT WHOLE

198. "IS RAGING IN THE FIELDS AT THE MOMENT.

199. MRRRR!"

200. ANYWAY...

201. NOW, I AH— I DON'T KNOW AN AWFUL LOT ABOUT NEW YORK,

202. I'VE BEEN HERE A COUPLE OF TIMES.

203. I LOVE NEW YORK, IT'S A MAGNIFICENT CITY.

204. IS ITS DIVERSITY.

205. Y'KNOW, I NEVER KNEW THERE WERE

206. "YOU!"

207. IT'S FANTASTIC.

208. BUT, ONE THING I WOULDN'T DO HERE,

209. IS I WOULDN'T TRY AND DRIVE IN MANHATTAN.

210. YOU DRIVE LIKE CRAZY HERE.

211. Y'KNOW, I DON'T APPROVE OF DRINK-DRIVING,

212. BUT I'D NEED TO

213. TO DRIVE, Y'KNOW?

214. YEAH.

215. IT'S MAD ON THE ROADS.

216. ARE THE AMBULANCE DRIVERS, THEY'RE RECKLESS.

217. NOW, I HAVE

218. EMERGENCY VEHICLE.

219. THE WORD "AMBULANCE"

220. THE FRONT OF THE VEHICLE.

221. NOW, THE THINKING BEING THAT YOU'RE DRIVING ALONG IN TRAFFIC,

222. IN YOUR REARVIEW MIRROR,

223. AND YOU SAY, "OH, THERE'S AN AMBULANCE BEHIND ME.

224. SO I BETTER PULL OVER."

225. THAT'S ASSUMING THAT YOU HAVEN'T HEARD

226. IN THE FIRST PLACE.

227. Y'KNOW, THEY THINK WE'RE IDIOTS, DON'T THEY?

228. AMBULANCE COMING TOWARDS ME,

229. OF THE STREET,

230. I THINK TO MYSELF, "HMM, WELL, I HEAR THE SIREN ALL RIGHT.

231. BUT HOW CAN I BE SURE?"

232. Y'KNOW, HUH?

233. HOW CAN I BE SURE, Y'KNOW?

234. GOD, I'M EXHAUSTED ALREADY.

235. I HAVE NO ENERGY AT ALL.

236. IN MY YOUTH,

237. RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE, PRETENDING TO BE A HORSE.

238. I MEAN, THE ONLY

239. A FRIDAY NIGHT, SO...

240. IT'S NOT MUCH GOOD TO ME.

241. KEEPS ME IN TRIM.

242. A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO.

243. NOTHING TOO SERIOUS.

244. SURGICALLY REMOVED.

245. BUT THIS OPERATION,

246. GENITAL AREA SHAVED.

247. ABOUT THIS AT FIRST.

248. BUT TO BE HONEST, I'VE BEEN DOING IT EVER SINCE.

249. YEAH, BABY!

250. IT'S JUST ALL THE GUYS

251. WITHOUT IT, Y'KNOW?

252. YEARS OFF ME!

253. WELL, ONCE YOU START

254. YOU JUST CAN'T STOP!

255. OUT OF CONTROL!

256. I'M STANDING UP HERE AT THE MOMENT,

257. I'VE GOT DON KING'S HEAD IN MY UNDERPANTS!

258. AND THAT'S NOT A VERY PLEASANT THOUGHT, Y'KNOW?

259. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE DON KING.

260. I'M PERMANENTLY EXHAUSTED.

261. OF THE ROAD THE OTHER DAY,

262. IT SAID, "TIREDNESS CAN KILL."

263. I NEVER KNEW THAT.

264. LAST SATURDAY, I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT WATCHING MOVIES.

265. I COULD'VE DIED.

266. THESE THINGS!

267. I LOVE SLEEPING.

268. IN SOCIETY TODAY.

269. PEOPLE DON'T GET ENOUGH SLEEP, Y'KNOW?

270. THEY'RE STRESSED OUT.

271. AND COMMIT CRIMES,

272. WITH AUTOMATIC WEAPONS.

273. IN THIS COUNTRY, YES.

274. THERE SHOULD.

275. UNTIL THURSDAY, WOULD BE ABOUT RIGHT.

276. WAS TELLING ME TO RELAX.

277. RELAX IS TO GO ON HOLIDAYS.

278. AND Y'KNOW, THAT'S FAR FROM BEING RELAXING,

279. IN YOUR LIFE!

280. YOU'RE IN A BLIND PANIC

281. IN THE FIRST PLACE.

282. "OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL THE MILK.

283. AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT DOWN THE DOG."

284. AND—

285. Y'KNOW?

286. DOESN'T FOOL THE BURGLARS FOR A SECOND.

287. ABOUT THAT!

288. I'M GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE A HAIR DRYER ON FOR TWO WEEKS.

289. SO AS THEY'LL THINK THERE'S SOMEBODY INSIDE

290. HEAD OF HAIR!

291. THEY'LL THINK DON KING'S LOOKING AFTER THE HOUSE!

292. ANYWAY...

293. LITERARY NATION.

294. ANY BAR IN DUBLIN,

295. APPARENTLY IT'S FULL OF WRITERS AND POETS.

296. MOST OTHER COUNTRIES, THEY'RE CALLED DRUNKS.

297. NOT IN IRELAND.

298. AND LIKE MOST IRISH PEOPLE, I'VE WRITTEN A NOVEL AS WELL.

299. IT'S NOT MY FIRST.

300. I'VE BEEN WRITING

301. MAEVE BINCHY.

302. GOING QUITE WELL.

303. AND THIS PERSON ASKED ME,

304. I WAS ON A RADIO TALK SHOW,

305. ON A DESERT ISLAND,

306. I BRING WITH ME?

307. AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE THREAT IMPLIED IN THAT QUESTION.

308. AND I SAID TO HER,

309. "THE FIRST BOOK I'D BRING WITH ME

310. WOULD BE A BIG, PLASTIC INFLATABLE BOOK..."

311. "AND THE SECOND ONE

312. "'HOW TO MAKE OARS OUT OF SAND'.

313. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!"

314. THAT SHUT HER UP.

315. I DON'T LIKE LENDING MY BOOKS TO PEOPLE.

316. Y'KNOW, PARTLY BECAUSE,

317. THEY'RE PART OF YOUR IDENTITY, YOUR BOOKS.

318. AND ALSO, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT I ALREADY KNOW.

319. Y'KNOW?

320. I'VE INVESTED A LOT OF

321. THAT KNOWLEDGE.

322. I DON'T WANT TO THROW AWAY MY SLENDER ADVANTAGE, Y'KNOW?

323. OF COURSE, I LEND THEM BOOKS, YES.

324. I SAY, "HERE'S 'ANGELA'S ASHES', TAKE THAT.

325. THERE YOU GO."

326. NOW, THE OTHER REASON I DON'T

327. BEFORE TURNING A PAGE.

328. I'VE GOT A VEGETARIAN FRIEND WHO DOES THIS,

329. ALL THE TIME.

330. AND WHAT I DO IS, I SMEAR

331. GREASY BACON, YEAH.

332. IN THE MIDDLE AS A BOOKMARK.

333. NOW, I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING,

334. PEOPLE IN THE WORLD,

335. IN THIS ROOM TONIGHT.

336. CASUAL SEX WITH STRANGERS.

337. AND THERE'S, THERE'S JEALOUS PEOPLE.

338. OVER THERE.

339. YOUR LUCKY NIGHT.

340. ANYWAY...

341. "GROSS GENERALIZATION"--

342. A PERSON HAS SEX 2,580 TIMES IN HIS OR HER LIFE.

343. THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT OF SEX,

344. OF CATCHING UP TO DO.

345. "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES".

346. A VERY DIFFERENT PICTURE.

347. WORK OUT AN AVERAGE.

348. IS THAT?

349. SEX WHEN YOU'RE 33...

350. TILL YOU'RE MARRIED FOR AWHILE.

351. BORING PERSON.

352. AND, NOW IN IRELAND, IT TOOK US QUITE A WHILE TO CATCH UP.

353. I MEAN, WERE VERY SEXUALLY LIBERATED NOW OF COURSE,

354. AS A NATION.

355. BUT IT WASN'T ALWAYS THE CASE, YOU SEE,

356. BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE THE '60s IN IRELAND.

357. THE '50s TO 1972.

358. SO WE DIDN'T EXPERIENCE NOTIONS OF "FLOWER POWER"

359. OR "FREE LOVE", OR WOODSTOCK.

360. WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT, Y'KNOW?

361. WE WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN WHAT TO DO WITH FREE LOVE.

362. WE'D BE SAYING, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?

363. "WHAT ARE YOU AFTER, MY LAND, HUH?

364. GO AWAY."

365. IF IT WAS FREE DRINK, THAT WOULD BE A DIFFERENT STORY.

366. WE'D BE WONDERING, IS THE FREE LOVE STILL GOING?

367. BUT LUCKILY, I HAVE NO INTEREST IN SEX AT ALL.

368. Y'KNOW, IT'S SO UNDIGNIFIED REALLY, ISN'T IT?

369. HUMAN BEING LIKE THAT.

370. OH!

371. ALL THOSE FACES.

372. "HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH."

373. FOR ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

374. Y'KNOW, LIKE BAKING THEM A NICE CAKE OR SOMETHING.

375. FOR AWHILE.

376. THAT WOULD DO.

377. AH...

378. DON'T SEEM TO REALIZE

379. PART OF A RELATIONSHIP.

380. LET'S JUST PICK A GENDER AT RANDOM HERE.

381. SOME WOMEN DON'T SEEM TO KNOW ABOUT THIS, Y'KNOW?

382. IT'S NEVER THE RIGHT TIME, Y'KNOW,

383. THEY'VE ALWAYS

384. OR THEY'RE TOO TIRED, Y'KNOW?

385. IN LITTLE BOXES.

386. Y'KNOW?

387. WELL, TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME, CAN'T THEY?

388. LET'S START THE GENDER WAR.

389. Y'KNOW, THE SHOE WILL BE ON THE OTHER FOOT THEN,

390. WE'LL SEE WHO'S GOT THE HEADACHE, WHO'S TOO TIRED,

391. WHO'S GOT TO PUT THE LITTLE THINGS IN THE BOXES.

392. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

393. SO, A FRIEND OF MINE WAS

394. THAT I LOVE HIM BEFORE HE DIES.

395. AND I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS,

396. THE TIMING WRONG?

397. Y'KNOW?

398. ANOTHER 20 YEARS.

399. I DON'T THINK EITHER OF US COULD COPE WITH THE EMBARRASSMENT.

400. I'D HAVE TO KILL HIM.

401. OH, THAT'S ABOUT ALL I KNOW REALLY.

402. YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.

403. I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO COME HERE AT ALL, Y'KNOW.

404. DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

405. BUT, YOU'VE BEEN MARVELOUS.

406. Y'KNOW, I COULDN'T WISH FOR A BETTER AUDIENCE.

407. A WISHING WELL,

408. I DON'T WISH FOR LOVE OR RICHES OR ANYTHING.

409. ELSE'S WISHES COME TRUE.

410. AND THAT ALWAYS WORKS, Y'KNOW?

411. SORRY ABOUT THAT, IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

412. FINISH FOR YOU PEOPLE.

413. A BIGGER START.

414. BIGNESS IN THE MIDDLE.

415. BUT LIKE I SAID, IT'S NOT "RIVERDANCE", Y'KNOW?

416. WE DON'T EXPECT VERY MUCH.

417. I MEAN, THERE'S A SAYING

418. AND YOU GET A SLAP IN THE FACE, THEN IT'S A VICTORY.

419. SO...

420. FOR LISTENING, GOOD NIGHT.

421. Captioning made possible by