Comedy Central Presents 5x14

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Gary Valentine talks about the hardships of being single in this Comedy Central Presents stand-up special.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. FROM NEW YORK CITY,

2. COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS...

3. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL

4. ALL RIGHT, YEAH!

5. THAT'S IT, GOOD NIGHT!

6. AWW, C'MON PEOPLE, LET'S GO, RIGHT HERE.

7. YEAH, COME ON!

8. GIMME SOME OF THIS.

9. CLAP!

10. I WISH I COULD SING, THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME.

11. HOW WE FEELING, NEW YORK?

12. OH, MAN, THERE'S SOME BEAUTIFUL LADIES HERE.

13. CAN I JUST SAY THAT? OH, MY GOODNESS.

14. NOT TONIGHT, BUT LAST NIGHT WE UH...

15. JUST KIDDING.

16. Y'KNOW, NEW YORK HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LADIES IN THE WORLD.

17. I AM CONVINCED OF THAT.

18. IT'S JUST SO TOUGH TO MEET, Y'KNOW?

19. I WAS IN A SUPERMARKET THE OTHER DAY.

20. GREAT-LOOKING GIRL JUST HAPPENS TO TURN AND LOOK MY WAY.

21. JUST AS SHE DID, I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A YAWN.

22. AND I TRIED TO CUT IT SHORT, YOU KNOW HOW YOU—

23. I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES NOW, IT'S SO TOUGH OUT THERE.

24. I WENT ON A DATE THE OTHER NIGHT.

25. I TOOK THIS GIRL TO DINNER, I KNEW IT WASN'T GONNA GO

26. ANYWHERE SEXUALLY 'CAUSE I WAS OUT OF CHLOROFORM AND RAGS.

27. YEAH, WHAT DO YOU DO?

28. I THINK ANYTHING'S BETTER THAN A BLIND DATE.

29. BLIND DATES ARE BRUTAL, BRUTAL, CAPITAL "B" CAPITAL "R"-UTAL.

30. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE NOT CLICKING WITH SOMEONE,

31. YOU KNOW IT RIGHT AWAY, YOU KNOW, YOU PICK HER UP,

32. YOU GO, "HI... I'M GONNA PUKE."

33. YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S ABOUT, IT'S ABOUT KIDS.

34. I WANT KIDS, THAT'S WHAT I WANT, I REALLY DO.

35. MY BUDDIES ARE ALL MARRIED AND THEY HAVE KIDS, Y'KNOW.

36. MY FRIEND, I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS GUY IN TWO YEARS.

37. HE WANTED TO SHOW ME PICTURES OF HIS KIDS THE OTHER DAY.

38. I'M A SINGLE GUY, NO KIDS, HOW DO YOU RELATE TO THAT?

39. "LOOK, HERE'S MY TWO-YEAR-OLD BOY AND MY THREE-YEAR-OLD GIRL."

40. AND I WENT, "OH, WOW, YEAH, SHE'S HOT."

41. WHICH IS WRONG.

42. MY OTHER FRIEND PUTS HIS LITTLE GIRL ON THE PHONE WITH ME

43. EVERY TIME I CALL UP.

44. THAT'S CUTE, ONCE OR TWICE, NOT TEN TIMES.

45. "HEY, JACK, HOW YOU DOING, BUDDY?"

46. "HEY, NOTHING, GARY, JUST HANGING AROUND—

47. WAIT, LISA, SAY HELLO TO GARY."

48. I'M LIKE, "N-NO, JACK, I CAN'T, I GOTTA GET GOING, I DON'T—

49. (bleep)."

50. HI.

51. HI... HI, LIS, HOW ARE YOU?

52. HI.

53. HI...

54. LISTEN, I HEAR DAD BROUGHT YOU HOME SOME ICE CREAM TODAY, HUH?

55. HI.

56. PUT YOUR FATHER BACK ON THE PHONE!

57. THIS IS GOING NOWHERE!

58. I JUST GOT BACK FROM ATLANTA, GEORGIA, ANYBODY FROM GEORGIA?

59. DON'T CARE! ANYWAY, THERE WAS UMM...

60. YOU KNOW, THE THING WITH THE FLIGHT AND THE WHOLE TRAVELING—

61. LUGGAGE, WHY DO THEY BOTHER PUTTING WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?

62. YOU EVER TRY TO PULL YOUR LUGGAGE THROUGH THE AIRPORT?

63. THERE'S NO CONTROL, I KILLED LIKE THREE KIDS ON THE WAY HERE.

64. I HAVE A HUGE SUITCASE AND FOUR MARBLES ON THE BOTTOM,

65. A NINE-FOOT STRAP, IT'S LIKE WALKING A BAD DOG.

66. I'M LIKE, "C'MON, SAMSONITE, C'MON, BUDDY, C'MON, SAMMY.

67. "DON'T LAY DOWN NOW.

68. "DON'T LAY DOWN NOW, COME WITH PAPA.

69. YOU WANNA GO ON THE ESCALATOR, YOU WANNA GO ON THE ESCALATOR?"

70. SO I REALLY WAS IN ATLANTA.

71. I TELL YA, IT'S BEAUTIFUL DOWN THERE.

72. YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH?

73. THOSE PEOPLE HAVE TO RELAX WITH THEIR TEA, YOU KNOW?

74. WE'RE ALL PROUD OF OUR ICED TEA, WE DON'T PUSH IT ON YOU

75. LIKE A CRACK DEALER WHEN YOU GO TO THE RESTAURANT.

76. GOD, YOU SIT IN A RESTAURANT IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA,

77. THE WAITRESSES COME OUT WITH TWO PITCHERS FULL OF THE TEA AND YOU HAVE TO DRINK IT.

78. THEY CALL IT "SWEET TEA", THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL IT.

79. "Y'ALL WANT A SWEET TEA, SWEET TEA?

80. "Y'ALL WANT A SWEET TEA TODAY, HOW ABOUT A SWEET TEA?

81. "Y'ALL WANT A SWEET TEA, HOW ABOUT A SWEET TEA?

82. "Y'ALL WANT A SWEET TEA, HOW ABOUT A SWEET TEA?

83. Y'ALL WANT A SWEET TEA?"

84. "Y'ALL WANT A SWEET TEA, Y'ALL WANT—"

85. I'M BY MYSELF, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

86. "SO Y'ALL DON'T WANT NO SWEET TEA?"

87. UH, NO, WE ALL DON'T WANT NO SWEET TEA.

88. "Y'ALL AIN'T FROM AROUND HERE, ARE YA?

89. "I ASKED THE GUY ON V-3 HE WANT NO SWEET TEA.

90. "HE SAID HE DON'T WANT NO SWEET TEA.

91. I SAID, WHY NOT, YOU DON'T DRINK NO SWEET TEA?"

92. I SWEAR, I COULD DO MY ACT IN A CLOSET BY MYSELF.

93. I DON'T EVEN NEED...

94. LIKE IF THE ROOM WAS EMPTY RIGHT NOW, SAME SHOW.

95. THAT'S JUST HOW I LIKE IT.

96. SHAKING MY ASS FOR THE PEOPLE, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?

97. ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT'S HOW WE SHOULD KISS, JUST RUB ASSES.

98. THAT'S HOW WE SHOULD GREET SOMEONE.

99. KISSING'S SO PERSONAL, I DON'T KNOW EVERY GIRL—

100. "HEY," NO, WE JUST— "HEY, VERONICA, HOW YOU DOING?

101. GOOD TO SEE YA, HOW'S IT GOING?"

102. "THIS IS MY HUSBAND, HANK."

103. "HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON, HANK?"

104. ANYWAY, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE SOUTHERN TWANG, REALLY.

105. LIKE A LITTLE SOUTHERN TWANG ON A GAL, THAT'S A VERY SEXY THING.

106. "HOW Y'ALL DOING, WHAT'S GOING ON, HOW YOU DOING?

107. WELCOME TO GEORGIA, WHAT'S GOING ON?"

108. BUT SOME OF THOSE BACKWOODS PEOPLE, I DON'T KNOW WHERE—

109. I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND THIS GUY, THE PILOT.

110. I GO, "HOW LONG'S THE FLIGHT GONNA BE?"

111. HE GOES, "IT'S GONNA TAKE ABOUT N'OUR."

112. "I'M SORRY, HOW LONG?"

113. "ABOUT AN'OUR!"

114. A BUTTERED WHAT, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING TO ME?

115. "IT'LL TAKE ABOUT N'OUR, 'BOUT N'OUR."

116. HE SLOWED IT DOWN FOR ME, TOO,

117. LIKE THAT WAS GONNA MAKE A DIFFERENCE, "U-RRR.

118. ABOUT AN U-RRR."

119. "U-RR", I'VE HAD DRY HEAVES WITH MORE PRONUNCIATION THAN THAT.

120. HOW LONG IS THE FLIGHT? OH, IT'S ABOUT (heaving).

121. 45 MINUTE FL— (heaving).

122. 35 MIN— (heaving).

123. 20 MINUTE— (heaving).

124. OH, MY GOD, I ALMOST THREW UP THAT LAST TIME, HOLD ON.

125. I WAS AT THE MALL THE OTHER DAY.

126. I'M GONNA GET ONE OF THOSE MASSAGE CHAIRS.

127. THEY GOT THOSE BIG, RECLINING MASSAGE CHAIRS.

128. OH, MY, THEY ARE DELIGHTFUL, I'M GONNA GET ONE.

129. I WAS IN ONE THE OTHER DAY FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES.

130. YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE A DISPLAY MODEL.

131. I STARTED MAKING NOISES, YOU KNOW, YOU FORGET.

132. I WAS LIKE, "AHHHH," THEY KICKED ME OUT.

133. APPARENTLY YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO FACE DOWN.

134. I LIKE TO SHOP, I LIKE TO SHOP FOR CLOTHES.

135. HERE'S A LITTLE TIP, MAN, PEOPLE, WHEN YOU BUY A SWEATER,

136. FOLD IT UP, PUT IT INTO THE DRAWER.

137. I HUNG MINE UP, I HAVE SHOULDER NIPPLES.

138. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF 'EM.

139. YOU CAN'T SUCK THOSE THINGS OUT, COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE WRITE

140. A BOOK ON HOW TO REVERSE A SHOULDER NIP?

141. DID A LITTLE SHOPPING FOR MY MOM...

142. WHAT'S YOUR NAME RIGHT HERE?

143. DENISE?

144. HI.

145. WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

146. DENISE.

147. LITTLE TWITCHY-POO.

148. NICE TO MEET YOU, DENISE, WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

149. NOVEMBER WHAT?

150. NINTH, OH, MY GOD, MY MOM'S AUGUST FIRST.

151. SMALL WORLD.

152. SO I GO UP TO THE COUNTER TO BUY SOME PERFUME FOR MY MOM

153. AND MY SISTER, ALL RIGHT, I WALK UP THERE,

154. THE LADY'S STANDING THERE AND SHE GOES, "MAY I HELP YOU?"

155. I SAID, "YEAH, I'D LIKE TO BUY SOME PERFUME."

156. REAL SNIPPY, SHE GOES,

157. "WELL, HOW OLD'S THE PERSON YOU'RE BUYING FOR?"

158. "WHY, HOW OLD'S YOUR PERFUME?"

159. SHE GOES, "NO, NO, NO, CERTAIN FRAGRANCES FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE.

160. YOU DON'T WANT YOUR MOM SMELLING LIKE A FRENCH WHORE."

161. "UH, NO, THAT'LL BE MY SISTER'S.

162. MOM RETIRED LAST YEAR, THANK YOU."

163. I GIVE THE PERFUME TO MY SISTER, YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DOES?

164. SPRAYS IT ON HER WRISTS.

165. I GO, "YOU COMPLETELY MISSED YOUR NECK."

166. I GIVE THE PERFUME TO MY MOM.

167. SPRAYS IT IN FRONT OF HER AND WALKS INTO IT.

168. I GO, "DID YOU THINK YOU WERE THERE, WHAT'RE YOU DOING?"

169. I CAUGHT HER PUTTING DEODORANT ON ONE DAY.

170. SPEAKING OF DEODORANT, I HAVE ONE ARMPIT THAT SWEATS

171. AND ONE THAT DOESN'T.

172. DOES ANYBODY HAVE THAT PARTICULAR GLAND PROBLEM?

173. I DO, I HAVE AN ARMPIT AND A KNEECAP.

174. AND I USE THE STICK, I LIKE THE DEODORANT STICK.

175. IT'S THE BEST, I THINK.

176. YOU KNOW THE THING WITH THE DEODORANT STICK...

177. WHAT THE HELL'S SO FUNNY, YOU DON'T SEE ANYBODY ELSE LAUGHING.

178. HE HAS ONE TOO.

179. HE HAS WHAT?

180. THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE A ROLL-ON, LOOK AT HIM.

181. WELL, LIKE I TOLD YOU, I LIVE IN L.A. NOW,

182. AND I GOT A HOUSEKEEPER.

183. I'M NOT RICH, I'M JUST LAZY.

184. AND SHE IS THE SWEETEST LADY, SHE COMES EVERY TWO WEEKS—

185. I THINK, I GAVE HER A KEY 'CAUSE SHE CAME AS A REFERRAL

186. AND I TRUST HER AND I GAVE HER A KEY.

187. SHE NEVER GIVES ME A WARNING WHEN SHE—

188. SHE'S A LITTLE HISPANIC LADY AND SHE SPEAKS VERY BROKEN ENGLISH.

189. SHE JUST WALKS IN, "GOO MORNING!"

190. AND I'M LIKE, IN MY UNDERWEAR, "GOOD MORNING."

191. "GOO MORNING!"

192. I GO, "MARTHA, YOU KNOW THERE'S A 'D' AT THE END OF 'GOO,' RIGHT?"

193. "SI, SEÑOR, GOO MORNING."

194. I LEFT THE OTHER DAY, I CAME BACK, SHE GOES,

195. "UH, SEÑOR, THERE'S A PROBLEMO.

196. "I WAS CLEAN THE CAFé MACHINE

197. AND IT'S A BROKE, CAN I HAVE?"

198. "YOU BROKE THE COFFEE MACHINE AND YOU WANT IT?"

199. "SI."

200. "ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD."

201. "GOO, THANK YOU, I'M GONNA GO CLEAN THE BIG-SCREEN TV."

202. "NO, DON'T CLEAN THE BIG-SCREEN TV!"

203. CLEAN THE COBWEBS THAT ARE AROUND HERE.

204. I HAVE A LOT OF COBWEBS IN L.A., L.A. HAS A BIG SPIDER PROBLEM.

205. THEY REALLY DO, AND I AM PETRIFIED OF SPIDERS.

206. I SAW A SPIDER ON THE WALL, I WENT TO HIT IT,

207. IT JUST FELL AND RAN AWAY.

208. I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, HE KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE."

209. WHAT DOES A SPIDER DO, DOES ANYBODY KNOW?

210. IT'S LIKE THE DULLEST EXISTENCE, DID YOU EVER JUST—

211. "I GOTTA GET NEW CONTACTS.

212. "LOOK AT THE WALLPAPERING JOB THIS GUY DID.

213. "YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE REAL BRICKS.

214. JACKASS."

215. "TSS TS-TS, TSS-TS-TS, TSS-TS-TS, TSS-TS-TS...

216. "WISH I COULD WHISTLE.

217. NAH, I THINK YOU NEED LIPS, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I HAVE LIPS."

218. "WHAT AN EXISTENCE, EVERYBODY JUST STARING AT MY ASS."

219. "WHAT'S TOMORROW, SATURDAY?

220. I'M NOT DOING TOMORROW."

221. WHAT DO THEY DO?

222. SO... I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT MY FREE TIME.

223. I'M TAKING AN ARCHERY CLASS 'CAUSE YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

224. I WANNA BE READY.

225. DID YOU EVER STRING A BOW AND ARROW, IT'S TOUGH.

226. TO GET THE LITTLE ARROW ON THE LITTLE NOTCH AND THE STRING.

227. TOUGH STANDING UP, YOU KNOW?

228. I WOULD'VE BEEN THE WORST INDIAN.

229. WHOO!

230. THAT'S A GOOD BIT TO DO IF YOU HAVE ASTHMA.

231. MIGHT WANNA JUST TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES FOR A FEW MINUTES.

232. BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

233. I REALLY DO HAVE ASTHMA, DOES ANYBODY HAVE ASTHMA?

234. OH, YEAH, YOU LIKE IT?

235. I'VE HAD IT SINCE I WAS TWO.

236. WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID, MY PARENTS SENT ME TO CAMP.

237. IT WAS AN ASTHMA CAMP.

238. IT WAS GOOD, AT NIGHT WE ALL SANG SONGS AROUND THE HUMIDIFIER.

239. IT WAS FUN.

240. DIDN'T EVEN NEED HARMONICAS.

241. PLAYED GAMES, YOU KNOW, "FOLLOW THE WHEEZER", THAT WAS GOOD.

242. PRIMATENE MIST ROULETTE.

243. SIX INHALERS, ONE OF THEM WAS FILLED WITH CAT HAIR.

244. TRICKY, VERY TRICKY.

245. "HIDE AND GO SEEK" REALLY SUCKED.

246. "WHY'D WE HAVE TO HIDE IN THE BUSH?"

247. "SHUT UP AND CLOSE YOUR MOUTH."

248. I LOVE WHAT I DO, I USED TO HAVE A TOUGH JOB, MAN.

249. I USED TO BE IN JUST HARD LABOR, Y'KNOW, JUST...

250. I USED TO BE IN THE RIVERDANCE.

251. GOT KICKED OUT FOR USING MY ARMS.

252. "VALENTINE, WHAT KIND OF CRAP WAS THAT?

253. "USING YOUR ARMS IN THE RIVERDANCE.

254. "WE DON'T USE OUR ARMS IN THE RIVERDANCE.

255. "THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED RIVERDANCE, IT MEANS...

256. "NO ARMS!

257. "I THINK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

258. "ANYWAY, I WANT TO SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE, IMMEDIATELY, RIGHT NOW.

259. LET'S GO, C'MON, YEAH, YOU, LET'S GO."

260. OH, BOY.

261. I DID THE OLD TRIP TO THE DENTIST.

262. HATE IT, EVERYTHING HURTS.

263. YOU KNOW THE X-RAY BITE PLATES THEY ASK YOU TO BITE ON?

264. WHAT IS THAT, A BROKEN ASHTRAY THEY'RE STICKING IN MY MOUTH?

265. THEN THEY PUT THAT 200-POUND HORSE BLANKET ON YOUR CHEST.

266. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA THROW ROCKS AT ME, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

267. I HAD THE NITROUS OXIDE FOR THE FIRST TIME.

268. IF YOU'VE NEVER HAD THE NITROUS, ORDER IT, IT'S DELICIOUS.

269. I'M IN THE CHAIR, DENTIST COMES IN,

270. PUTS THE MASK ON MY FACE,

271. TURNS THE MACHINE ON,

272. WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM FOR LIKE, TEN MINUTES.

273. SSSSS...

274. HE COMES BACK TEN MINUTES LATER, I'M NOT EVEN NEAR THE CHAIR.

275. WHERE WERE YOU? I PULLED MY OWN TEETH!

276. THESE ARE DENTURES, I FOUND 'EM IN THE JAR.

277. NO CHARGE!

278. HEY, THAT'S IT FOR ME, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.

279. THANKS.

280. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

281. THANK YOU.

282. THANKS.

283. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL