Comedy Central Presents 5x13

1. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

2. ANNOUNCER>> FROM NEW YORK CITY,

3. DOUG STANHOPE.

4. DOUG STANHOPE>> THANK YOU,

5. VERY MUCH.

6. THANKS.

7. ALL RIGHT.

8. STOP IT!

9. THANKS!

10. ALL RIGHT.

11. OKAY!

12. MY FANS ARE IN THE HOUSE,

13. EVIDENTLY.

14. I WAS IN CHATTANOOGA, TENNESSEE

15. LAST WEEK, AND, UH— OH, YEAH,

16. THANKS FOR FOLLOWING ME—

17. A PLACE THAT IS SO BEHIND

18. THE TIMES THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN

19. GET AIDS THERE YET, PEOPLE.

20. PEOPLE WOULD SHOW UP

21. AND THEY HATE YOU OR WHATEVER.

22. LIKE, MY ACT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE,

23. I UNDERSTAND THAT.

24. AND, LIKE, IT'S ALWAYS—

25. TONE IT DOWN, WE GOT, THE,

26. YOU KNOW, THE OLD PEOPLE.

27. LIKE, FIRST OF ALL,

28. LIKE WHY DOES OLD PEOPLE,

29. WHY DO THEY ALWAYS GET,

30. LIKE I DO SHOWS— I GET CASINOS

31. AND YOU GET ALL THE BLUE HAIRS

32. AND THE WALKERS...

33. AND THEY GO— TONE IT DOWN,

34. THESE ARE OLD PEOPLE.

35. YOU KNOW, WHY DO YOU CODDLE

36. THE OLD PEOPLE?

37. THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR A BUNCH

38. OF SODOMY JOKES, THEY'RE OLD

39. PEOPLE.

40. LIKE MY GENERATION INVENTED

41. SODOMY.

42. THEY WOULD HAVE NO—

43. "IN OUR DAY WE ONLY HAD SEX

44. TO KEEP WARM..."

45. THEY KNOW, THEY'VE DONE

46. EVERYTHING.

47. BUT, THESE OLD PEOPLE GET YOU

48. TO PITY THEM.

49. BUT I USED TO DO BOILER ROOM

50. TELEMARKETING FOR A LIVING.

51. LIKE, HARD CORE FRAUD STUFF THAT

52. GETS BUSTED ON 60 MINUTES EVERY

53. WEEK— THAT'S WHAT I DID!

54. AND I WOULD WATCH—

55. EVERY TIME THEY HAD AN

56. OLD COUPLE ON THE SHOW,

57. THEY'D BUST A PHONE ROOM,

58. THEY'D GET AN OLD COUPLE...

59. "THEY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF US

60. BECAUSE WE'RE OOOLD...

61. AND LIKE, HOW IS THAT AN EXCUSE?

62. 'CAUSE LIKE EVERY TIME I GET

63. INTO AN ARGUMENT WITH SOMEONE

64. OLDER THAN ME, THAT'S THE FIRST

65. THING THEY THROW IN YOUR FACE AS

66. THEIR DEFENSE...

67. YOU DON'T KNOW.

68. WHEN YOU'VE BEEN ON THIS EARTH

69. AS MANY YEARS AS I'VE BEEN

70. AROUND, THEN YOU CAN TELL ME

71. SOMETHING.

72. UNTIL THEN, YOU CAN KEEP YOUR

73. SHUT."

74. BUT AS SOON AS THEY GET SCREWED,

75. IT'S A DIFFERENT STORY.

76. THEY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF US

77. BECAUSE WE'RE OLD.

78. THEY TOLD US WE WON A"--

79. "THEY TOLD US WE WON A BRAND NEW

80. MERCEDES AND THAT ALL WE'D HAVE

81. TO DO IS LEAVE $8,000 DOLLARS

82. IN A BROWN PAPER SACK

83. IN A LOCKER AT THE BUS STATION.

84. WE WERE SKEPTICAL AT FIRST

85. 'CAUSE WE'VE BEEN BURNED LIKE

86. THIS ELEVEN OR TWELVE TIMES

87. BEFORE, BUT IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE

88. OLD."

89. NO, IT'S CAUSE YOU'RE DUMB AS A

90. STICK.

91. IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR

92. AGE.

93. THEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF

94. THE ELDERLY 'CAUSE WE'RE LONELY

95. AND WE NEED PEOPLE TO TALK TO.

96. CALL PHONE SEX.

97. DOESN'T SAY YOU HAVE TO TALK

98. ABOUT SEX, RIGHT?

99. HI, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

100. I'M WEARING A NICE SWEATER

101. I KNIT IN MY KNITTING CIRCLE

102. WITH MRS. YOVINGTON, SHE DRIVES

103. ME THERE ON THURSDAYS

104. BECAUSE I DON'T DRIVE ANYMORE.

105. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

106. CROTCHLESS PANTIES.

107. OH, YOU BETTER PUT SOMETHING ON,

108. YOU'RE GOING TO CATCH COLD.

109. WHAT'S THE WEATHER THERE?

110. MY SON-IN-LAW LIVES IN FLORIDA

111. AND HE SAYS THE ORANGE GROVES

112. FROZE OVER.

113. I'M TERRIFIED OF GETTING OLD.

114. YOU HEAR OLD PEOPLE GO, "WHAT

115. I'VE LOST IN YEARS, I'VE GAINED

116. IN WISDOM."

117. I HAVEN'T LEARNED ONE THING IN

118. 15 YEARS THAT HASN'T JUST

119. DEPRESSED ME MORE.

120. 'CAUSE THEY'RE LYING WHEN THEY

121. SAY THAT— OH, I'M 75,

122. BUT THESE ARE THE GREATEST

123. YEARS, THESE ARE THE GOLDEN

124. YEARS.

125. NO, THEY'RE NOT, YOU DON'T MEAN

126. THAT.

127. I HAD A GREAT LIFE, BUT IT

128. DIDN'T REALLY START KICKING

129. UNTIL AROUND 72.

130. THAT'S WHEN I DISCOVERED

131. BOOZE AND BROADS.

132. NO... THEY SHOULD RAISE

133. THE DRINKING AGE TO LIKE, 60

134. SO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO LOOK

135. FORWARD TO AT THIS POINT, RIGHT?

136. THEY TALK ABOUT THE OLD PEOPLE,

137. WITH THE VIAGRA, BUT THAT'S NOT

138. THE POINT, I KNOW IT'S A BIG

139. WACKY PUNCHLINE, BUT PEOPLE ARE

140. STILL HAVING SEX IN THEIR 70s—

141. DO YOU WANT TO STILL BE HAVING

142. SEX WHEN YOU'RE 75?

143. WHY?

144. EWW!

145. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO BE HAVING

146. SEX WITH?

147. OTHER 75-YEAR OLD PEOPLE!

148. WHEN IN YOUR LIFE HAVE YOU SEEN

149. SOMEBODY 80 YEARS OLD AND SAY,

150. OH, YEAH, THE WAY SHE'S SUCKIN'

151. UP THOSE PEAS THROUGH THAT STRAW

152. IS MAKING ME HARD AS A ROCK!

153. I THINK OF THE TIME AND MONEY

154. AND AMBITION THAT I'VE WASTED

155. THINKING WITH MY GROIN FOR

156. THE LAST 33 YEARS, I DON'T WANT

157. TO BE 90 COMBING MY LAST 3 HAIRS

158. OVER MY HEAD, MY EGGS DRAGGING

159. AGAINST THE CARPET—

160. I THINK SOMETHIN'S COMING MY WAY

161. TONIGHT!

162. I FEEL LUCKY!

163. OOH, LOOK, SHE SMILED AT ME!

164. THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU YOUR

165. PANTS.

166. IT'S TERRIBLE—

167. I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND NOW,

168. BEEN GOING OUT WITH HER FOR

169. LIKE, A YEAR AND A HALF

170. AND I'M NOT SAYING I'M SICK OF

171. POONING HER, BUT I'M NOT

172. HIGH-FIVING MY FRIENDS

173. AFTERWARDS, YOU KNOW WHAT

174. I'M SAYING?

175. IT'S LIKE, AND SHE'S AS WEIRD AS

176. I AM AND THAT BURNS THINGS OUT

177. QUICKER.

178. 'CAUSE LIKE IN THE FIRST

179. THREE MONTHS WE'VE GONE THROUGH

180. EVERY POSITION, EVERY SEX TOY,

181. EVERY ORIFICE.

182. SEX IS A VERY NARROW AVENUE.

183. YOU ONLY HAVE SO MANY HOLES

184. AND PARTS AND EVENTUALLY

185. YOU RUN OUT OF THINGS TO DO.

186. SIT ON ME THIS WAY, AND I'LL PUT

187. MY HAND HERE, AND YOU CAN PUT

188. YOUR FINGER THERE.

189. OH, DID WE DO THAT ALREADY?

190. ALL RIGHT, THEN SPIN UPSIDE-DOWN

191. AND I'LL PUT MY MOUTH HERE AND

192. YOU PUT YOUR HAND THERE—

193. DID WE DO THAT, TOO?

194. OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU DRESS UP

195. LIKE THIS AND I'LL SMACK YOU ON

196. THE ASS WITH THAT AND YOU

197. PLUG THAT IN HERE, STRAP THAT ON

198. THERE, OW!

199. OW!

200. OKAY, MY BAD, MY BAD.

201. OKAY, RIGHT.

202. STRANGLE ME WITH THE CORD,

203. AND WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF

204. LUBRICANT, AND ARE YOU SOBER

205. ENOUGH TO DRIVE?

206. AFTER AWHILE THERE'S NOTHING

207. LEFT TO DO.

208. I HOPE IT COMES FULL CIRCLE—

209. LIKE, ALL THE WAY BACK TO SQUARE

210. ONE WHERE AT SOME POINT,

211. THE KINKIEST THING I CAN

212. THINK OF—

213. I GOT AND IDEA.

214. WHY DON'T YOU LAY DOWN THERE

215. AS AWKWARDLY AS POSSIBLE,

216. I'M GONNA CLIMB ON TOP OF YA—

217. I'LL BE DONE IN LIKE, 30

218. SECONDS, AND YOU START CRYING.

219. HOW ABOUT THAT?

220. DOUG STANHOPE>> MY BROTHER

221. JUST HAD ANOTHER BABY.

222. AND I HAD TO FLY BACK TO

223. RHODE ISLAND TO LOOK AT

224. THE THING, 'CAUSE I'M IT'S

225. UNCLE, AND THERE'S SOME

226. PROTOCOL—

227. AND I'M GLAD HE'S THAT EXCITED

228. ABOUT THE BABY, BUT I DON'T

229. THINK BABIES ARE CUTE OR FUNNY.

230. I HATE SEEING PICTURES OF THEM.

231. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE

232. TO SAY.

233. BABIES ARE LIKE POEMS.

234. THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL TO THEIR

235. CREATOR, BUT TO OTHER PEOPLE,

236. THEY'RE SILLY AND THEY'RE

237. IRRITATING.

238. KEEP YOUR PICTURE IN YOUR

239. WALLET.

240. EVER GET STUCK READING

241. SOMEBODY'S POEMS?

242. WHEN THAT GIRL BRINGS YOUR

243. RATTY ASS NOTEBOOK OUT FROM

244. UNDERNEATH THE BED?

245. I'M GOING TO LET YOU READ

246. MY POEMS.

247. I NEVER LET ANYBODY READ

248. MY POEMS, I'M SO EMBARRASSED,

249. BUT I'M GONNA LET YOU READ ALL

250. OF MY POEMS.

251. OH. THANKS.

252. OOH.

253. WOW.

254. YOU MUST'VE GOTTEN DUMPED

255. BY A LOT OF GUYS.

256. LOOK AT ALL THESE.

257. THAT'S THE WAY BABY PICTURES

258. ARE TO ME.

259. AND EVERY TIME YOU SAY YOU HATE

260. CHILDREN, PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY

261. THE SAME THING.

262. IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT WAS

263. YOUR OWN CHILD.

264. YEAH.

265. WELL, WHAT IF IT WASN'T?

266. WHAT IF I BELIEVED ALL YOU

267. PEOPLE WHO TOLD ME THAT,

268. AND ON YOUR GOOD WORD,

269. I SQUEEZE OUT A RAT OF MY OWN,

270. AND I END UP HATING MY OWN FLESH

271. AND BLOOD JUST AS MUCH AS I HATE

272. THAT SCREAMING PIECE OF

273. ON THE AIRPLANE NEXT

274. TO ME.

275. OR THAT FILTHY KID IN THE

276. DENNY'S BOOTH BEHIND YOU

277. WHO LEANS OVER AND PLAYS IN YOUR

278. HAIR, DROOLS CHEWED UP PANCAKES

279. DOWN THE BACK OF YOUR NECK.

280. AND HIS PARENTS THINK IT'S

281. HILARIOUS, AND YOU'RE HUNG OVER.

282. AND YOU WANT TO—

283. NOT HURT THE KID—

284. BUT SQUEEZE A LEMON IN HIS EYES,

285. SOMETHING THAT'S NOT TRACEABLE

286. BACK TO ME.

287. IF IT WAS MY OWN KID, I COULD DO

288. THAT TO HIM ALL DAY LONG,

289. AND I DON'T KNOW IF THAT WOULD

290. EVER GET BORING TO ME.

291. DO WE NEED MORE CHILDREN?

292. NO.

293. IF YOU NEED A BABY THAT BAD,

294. GO DOWN TO THE POUND AND GET

295. ONE.

296. THERE'S MILLIONS OF...

297. NOT EVEN A BABY...

298. GO GET AN OLD MAN.

299. THERE'S UNWANTED PEOPLE OF ALL

300. AGES, PRE-MADE, WAITING FOR YOU.

301. DID YOU READ THE HEADLINE THIS

302. MORNING?

303. EIGHT MILLION PEOPLE,

304. THE POPULATION IN NEW YORK CITY,

305. IS NOW OVER EIGHT MILLION.

306. FOR THE FIRST TWO MILLION PEOPLE

307. COULD TONIGHT AND TRAFFIC WOULD

308. STILL SUCK IN THE MORNING.

309. STOP SPITTING OUT THE CHILDREN—

310. WE DON'T NEED—

311. I'M NOT TRYING TO SOUND LIKE

312. THAT MUCH OF A PRICK,

313. BUT I RESENT YOUR CHILDREN.

314. WHY IS IT THAT YOU HAVE KIDS

315. THAT NATURAL RESOURCES OF

316. THIS WORLD GET PISSED AWAY

317. LIKE DRAFT BEER AT A FRAT PARTY,

318. AND YOU HAVE KIDS AND YOU

319. BENEFIT AND IT'S AT MY EXPENSE.

320. WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR

321. SCHOOLS?

322. WHY DOES THAT COME OUT OF MY

323. TAX MONEY?

324. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

325. I IN A GIRLS HAIR OUT OF

326. RESPECT FOR THE ENVIRONMENT AND

327. MOTHER NATURE AND NOT ONLY DO I

328. HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR SCHOOL,

329. BUT I HAVE TO DRIVE PAST IT AT

330. 15 MILES AN HOUR BECAUSE YOU'RE

331. NOT AROUND TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR

332. OWN CHILD.

333. WHY IS IT THAT I GET INTO A

334. TAXI CAB AT TWO THIRTY

335. IN THE MORNING, AND I WANNA

336. GO MOON SORORITY GIRLS BECAUSE

337. I'M DRUNK, AND I HAVE ISSUES

338. THAT GO YEARS BACK, BUT I CAN'T

339. EVEN MOON SORORITY GIRLS 'CAUSE

340. THE TAXICAB WINDOW GOES DOWN

341. HALFWAY, 'CAUSE IT'S A CHILD

342. SAFETY WINDOW.

343. WHICH COMPLETELY ECLIPSES

344. THE WHOLE HANGY, TURKEY NECK

345. PART OF THE MOON.

346. WHY EVEN MOON A SORORITY GIRL

347. IF THEY CAN'T SEE THE SWINGING

348. NUT PART OF IT?

349. BECAUSE YOU HAD TO HAVE

350. CHILDREN.

351. 'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO MOW

352. YOUR OWN LAWN WHEN YOU'RE 50.

353. 'CAUSE YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT

354. YOU'D LOOK LIKE IF YOU DIDN'T

355. EAT SO MUCH CAKE.

356. THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T GET

357. THE MUD-CAKED, NICARAGUAN KID

358. OFF THE TV COMMERCIAL BECAUSE

359. IF YOU GOT HIM AND HE DID

360. SOMETHING GREAT, YOU'D ONLY GET

361. HALF-CREDIT.

362. YEAH, IF HE HITS A HOME RUN IN

363. THE WORLD SERIES YOU'D GO,

364. THAT'S MY BOY.

365. KINDA.

366. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

367. DOUG STANHOPE>> I QUIT SMOKING

368. 7 MONTHS AGO.

369. I THINK THAT IF I LIVED ANYWHERE

370. OTHER THAN L.A., I'D START

371. AGAIN.

372. THAT'S WHY I QUIT.

373. I DIDN'T EVEN QUIT FOR

374. HEALTH REASONS, I QUIT BECAUSE,

375. THEY'RE DOING IT HERE WITH

376. THE RESTAURANTS, THEY MADE IT

377. ILLEGAL TO SMOKE IN BARS HERE

378. IN L.A.

379. FOR THE WAITRESSES.

380. BECAUSE WAITRESSES ARE EVIDENTLY

381. DYING BY THE THOUSANDS—

382. BIG 'NAM KILLING FIELDS OF

383. WAITRESSES OUT THERE.

384. CAN'T PRODUCE A BODY, THERE ARE

385. MASS GRAVES OUT THERE SOMEWHERE,

386. BUT THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY

387. WON'T...

388. ANSWER ME THIS, IF SECOND-HAND

389. SMOKE IS KILLING THAT MANY

390. PEOPLE, AND NICOTINE IS THE MOST

391. ADDICTING SUBSTANCE ON THE

392. PLANET, WHY IS NO ONE ADDICTED

393. TO SECOND-HAND SMOKE?

394. DO YOU KNOW ANY SECOND-HAND

395. SMOKERS?

396. DO YOU GET LAID, OR GET IN A

397. STRESSFUL SITUATION AND HAVE TO

398. RUN OUT TO A BINGO HALL OR

399. AN A.A. MEETING AND BREATHE

400. DEEPLY?

401. NO.

402. BECAUSE SOMEONE'S LYING.

403. SECOND-HAND SMOKE IS ANNOYING

404. AT BEST.

405. SORRY.

406. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, IF YOU'VE

407. BEEN A WAITRESS FOR SO MANY

408. DECADES THAT SECOND-HAND SMOKE

409. IS AFFECTING YOUR HEALTH,

410. THEN YOU WERE PROBABLY DEAD

411. ON THE INSIDE A LONG TIME AGO.

412. SO, THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING,

413. SO ANYWAYS...

414. SO THEY MAKE IT ILLEGAL TO SMOKE

415. IN BARS IN L.A., AND THEN,

416. THEY START ENFORCING IT—

417. THEY START HAVING VICE RAIDS.

418. 'CAUSE EVERYONE'S, YOU KNOW,

419. LIKE, SCREW YOU TO THE LAW,

420. YOU KNOW, SO THEY HAVE SOME

421. CRIME-STOPPER DIALS AN

422. 800 NUMBER AND THEN VICE COPS

423. COME IN UNDER-COVER TO THE BAR

424. WHERE THEY GET COMPLAINTS.

425. YOU KNOW, DRESS UP LIKE A SMOKER

426. TONIGHT, BOB, WE'RE GOING IN

427. UNDER-COVER.

428. OOH!

429. IT'S A NON-FILTER—

430. WAIT FOR BACK UP.

431. AND THEY DO, THEY SPRING OUT OF

432. THE PLASTIC BUSHES AND START

433. WRITING TICKETS TO EVERYBODY.

434. IF YOU'RE A VICE COP—

435. ARE THERE VICE COPS IN HERE

436. TONIGHT?

437. YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN FAKE IT.

438. YOU SHOULD GET THE WORST

439. ASS-CANCER THAT AN ANGRY GOD

440. CAN CREATE.

441. I MEAN, HOW DO YOU DO THAT

442. FOR A LIVING?

443. 'CAUSE I READ THESE STORIES,

444. AND YOU THINK— DON'T YOU HAVE

445. REAL CRIME TO FIGHT SOMEWHERE?

446. BUT WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT—

447. A VICE COP DOESN'T FIGHT REAL

448. CRIME.

449. A REAL COP FIGHTS REAL CRIME,

450. BUT A VICE COP'S ONLY JOB

451. IS TO RUIN THE PARTY.

452. THAT'S ALL HE DOES.

453. HE BUSTS YOU FOR SMOKING DOPE,

454. OR GOES TO TOPLESS BARS AND

455. MAKES SURE THERE'S NOT TOO MUCH

456. ASS CRACK IS SHOWING.

457. OOH!

458. GOES TO SMUT SHOPS,

459. AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT

460. WHACKING OFF IN A WHACK OFF

461. BOOTH.

462. OOH!

463. WE NEED YOU IN SOCIETY!

464. YOU'RE A HERO!

465. YOU'RE A BUZZ-KILL.

466. YOU'RE A PAID, PROFESSIONAL,

467. STATE-SANCTIONED BUZZ-KILL

468. FOR A LIVING.

469. EVERY VICE IS ALREADY

470. A PUNISHMENT IN ITSELF.

471. THERE'S NO NEED FOR A VICE LAW.

472. THE PUNISHMENT IS INHERENT IN

473. THE ACT.

474. YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES—

475. YOU GET CANCER AND DIE—

476. YOU DON'T NEED A TICKET

477. ON TOP OF IT, RIGHT?

478. EVERY VICE IS LIKE THAT.

479. YOU WATCH TOO MUCH PORNO—

480. IT DIMINISHES YOUR TASTE FOR THE

481. KIND OF GIRLS WHO WILL ACTUALLY

482. POON YOU.

483. IT'S GOT A DOWN SIDE.

484. THEY ALL HAVE A DOWN SIDE.

485. I'VE DRANK UNTIL I COULDN'T

486. REMEMBER MY OWN NAME,

487. I FIGURED I LEARNED A LESSON.

488. I'VE DONE DRUGS, I'VE DONE COKE

489. UNTIL MY NOSE WAS BLEEDING LIKE

490. THE FOURTH WEEK OF LILITH FAIR.

491. I DIDN'T HAVE TO HAVE SOMEONE

492. TELL ME IT WAS WRONG AFTERWARD,

493. I FIGURED IT OUT, ALL ON MY OWN!

494. I'VE HAD HOOKERS BEFORE,

495. I'VE 6 OR 8 HOOKERS IN MY LIFE.

496. I NEVER WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY

497. GOING, MAN, I GOT A HOOKER

498. LAST NIGHT.

499. WHO'S THE THINKER, BOBBY, HUH?"

500. I COULD'VE POUNDED OFF AND SAVED

501. A $185.

502. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

503. NOW I GOTTA CHECK MY

504. FOR SPOTS FOR THE NEXT

505. SIX MONTHS—

506. I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.

507. TO GO TO JAIL ON TOP OF THAT—

508. THAT'S DOUBLE JEOPARDY—

509. THAT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

510. "I'M A VICE COP, AND I SLEEP

511. GOOD AT NIGHT KNOWING THAT

512. NOBODY'S COMFORTABLY HIGH

513. OR GETTING A REASONABLY PRICED

514. PIECE OF ASS ON MY SHIFT, YEAH,

515. BUDDY.

516. I CAN'T MAKE EVERYBODY AS

517. MISERABLE AS ME, BUT IF I COULD

518. JUST MAKE A DENT IN THE

519. COMMUNITY.

520. IF GOD HAD INTENDED WOMEN TO BE

521. ABLE TO PROSTITUTE THEMSELVES,

522. HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN THEM A

523. FREE WILL AND, UH, A VAGINA".

524. DOUG STANHOPE>> I GOT ROLLED BY

525. A TRANSVESTITE PROSTITUTE ONCE.

526. THAT EVER HAPPEN TO YOU GUYS?

527. ALL OF YOU?

528. REALLY?

529. HERE'S MY STORY...

530. SEE, I'LL HAVE THEM DO A

531. CUT-AWAY OF YOU CLAPPING

532. AND GOING...

533. YEAH, FROM ANOTHER TIME

534. IN THE SHOW AND IT'LL LOOK LIKE

535. YOU GOT ROLLED BY A

536. TRANSVESTITE.

537. I DID, THOUGH, IT WAS LIKE,

538. 9 YEARS AGO AND I LIVED IN

539. PHOENIX AND JUST STARTED DOING

540. STAND-UP COMEDY AND ME

541. AND MY BUDDY, MATT—

542. AND I ALWAYS USE HIS FULL NAME

543. WHEN I TELL THIS STORY,

544. MATT BECKER.

545. WE USED TO GO OUT AND WE'D

546. CRUISE ALL THE SKANKY HOOKERS

547. DOWN ON VAN BUREN—

548. WAS THE STREET—

549. LIKE, WE WEREN'T BUYING,

550. BUT WE'D GET ALL LIQUORED UP

551. AND NO ONE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH

552. US, SO WE'D GO TAKE IT OUT

553. ON THEM, AND YELL STUFF OUT

554. THE WINDOW AND BE IDIOTS

555. AND WHATNOT.

556. BUT ONE NIGHT WE'RE BANGING

557. A U-TURN ON VAN BUREN IN FRONT

558. OF WHAT HAD TO HAVE BEEN THE

559. UGLIEST PROSTITUTE WE'D EVER

560. SEEN IN OUR LIVES, SO WE HAD

561. TO SLOW DOWN AND LOOK,

562. AND AS SOON AS WE SLOWED THE CAR

563. DOWN, SHE JUMPED RIGHT

564. FOR THE DOOR, SHE DIDN'T ASK

565. ANY QUESTIONS, SHE JUST PUSHED

566. HER WAY IN.

567. SHE HAD SOME "OPENING

568. PRESENTATION" WHERE SHE HAD

569. A GUN, OR SOMEONE HAD A GUN,

570. YOU KNOW, HURRY UP AND DRIVE...

571. ALL I KNOW IS THAT WERE SCARED

572. TO DEATH AND WE STARTED DRIVING

573. AND SHE TURNS TO ME AND MATT

574. AND SHE GOES, "I'LL SUCK BOTH

575. YOUR FOR $15!"

576. AND WHEN SHE FIRST GOT

577. IN THE CAR, WE MAY OR MAY NOT

578. HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY A

579. GUY.

580. BUT $15?

581. LOOKS LIKE A GIRL TO ME!

582. LOOK LIKE A GIRL TO YOU?

583. WHAT A LOVELY YOUNG LADY

584. WE HAVE HERE!

585. AND BEFORE I COULD EVEN ANSWER

586. HER, SHE PULLED OUT MY LUNCHES

587. AND STARTED GOING TO WORK—

588. WHICH IS A GOOD WAY TO CLOSE

589. A DEAL IN ANY LINE OF WORK—

590. REALLY, THAT SPELLS "SOLD"

591. NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE DOING

592. FOR A LIVING.

593. SO, I GIVE HER THE $15 OUT OF

594. MY POCKET AND SHE TAKES US DOWN

595. ALL THESE LITTLE SIDE STREETS,

596. WE GET TO A DEAD-END, WE'RE IN

597. THIS DARK RESIDENTIAL AREA,

598. IT'S PITCH BLACK OUTSIDE,

599. AND WE PULL OVER AND WE'RE IN A

600. JEEP, SO I'M HAVING TO SIT UP IN

601. THE HUMP OF THE JEEP, IN BETWEEN

602. THE SEATS, MATT'S SITTING RIGHT

603. HERE WAITIN' HIS TURN,

604. SHE'S GOING TO TOWN AND ME

605. AND MATT ARE JUST TRYING NOT TO

606. LAUGH.

607. 'CAUSE ANY TIME YOU'RE, YOU'RE,

608. YOU'RE GETTING A THAT

609. CLOSE TO YOUR BEST FRIEND,

610. THE TENDENCY IS TO CHUCKLE

611. A LITTLE BIT, RIGHT?

612. BUT I HAVE MY LUNCH IN THE JAWS

613. OF A VERY UGLY, ANGRY CRACK

614. WHORE RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T WANT

615. TO BUST UP LAUGHING—

616. I DON'T WANT TO BE THE REASON

617. SHE SNAPS AND BITES DOWN.

618. SO, I'M TRYING TO BE COOL.

619. I KNOW I'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE

620. WITH MY LIFE AND AT THAT POINT,

621. I FELT HER SCREWING AROUND

622. IN MY BACK POCKET.

623. AND ALL I SAID WAS, HEY,

624. WHATTAYA DOIN'?

625. SHE GOES, "I DINT TOUCH

626. YO' WALLET!

627. WHY YOU ACCUSE ME A TAKIN'

628. YO' WALLET?"

629. SHE HANDS ME MY WALLET BACK,

630. IT'S ON THE FLOOR AT THIS POINT,

631. SHE HANDS IT BACK TO ME AND

632. THERE WAS A $50 BILL,

633. THAT'S ALL THAT WAS IN THE

634. WALLET, AND IT WAS GONE.

635. SO I GO, WHERE'S MY MONEY?

636. SHE SAID, I AIN'T GOT YO' MONEY.

637. AND I'M TRYING TO BE A TOUGH

638. GUY, YOU GIVE ME MY $50

639. RIGHT NOW OR...

640. SHE GRABS ME BY THE HAIR

641. AND SLAMS ME INTO MATT SO HARD

642. THAT MATT GOES RIGHT OUT OF

643. THE DRIVER'S SIDE OF THE JEEP.

644. I PICKED UP ON THE ROLL BAR

645. AND I KICKED HER IN THE HEAD

646. AS HARD AS I COULD.

647. AND SHE JUST GOT PISSED.

648. AND AT THAT POINT,

649. ANY "ILLUSION" THAT THIS

650. IS REALLY A CHICK

651. HAVE GONE RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW,

652. THAT DREAM WAS OVER.

653. YOU CAN SOBER UP AND LOSE YOUR

654. BONERS NOW.

655. SO, I JUMP OUT ON THE DRIVER'S

656. SIDE AND SHE GETS OUT

657. ON THE PASSENGER SIDE,

658. AND I HAVE NO IDEA THAT HAD

659. THE BALLS TO EVEN TRY THIS.

660. BUT I STILL HAD MY WALLET

661. IN MY HAND AND IT WAS DARK

662. ENOUGH OUTSIDE, THAT I COME UP

663. FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE JEEP

664. AND I GO, "GIVE ME ALL YOUR

665. MONEY OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FRIGGIN'

666. HEAD OFF!"

667. AND SHE BELIEVED ME!

668. WHICH SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME

669. EVEN MORE 'CAUSE SHE STILL

670. WOULDN'T GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK.

671. AND SHE THINKS I HAVE A GUN

672. TO HER HEAD—

673. I AIN'T GOT YOUR MONEY...

674. I CAN'T PULL THE TRIGGER!

675. I CAN'T EVEN SQUEEZE OFF

676. A WARNING SHOT, RIGHT?

677. SO, I'M HOPING MATT WILL

678. JUMP IN, A LITTLE

679. "GOOD COP/BAD COP" OVER HERE

680. "BUDDIES".

681. DON'T MAKE HIM DO IT AGAIN—

682. HE IS CRAZY!

683. HE KILLS ALL THE HOOKERS!

684. GIVE HIM THE 50— SOMETHIN'!

685. MATT'S RUNNIN' AROUND ALL PUNCH

686. DRUNK AND RETARDED, LIKE HE

687. JUST FOUND OUT HE' ADOPTED.

688. I'M LIKE, GET IN THE CAR

689. AND DRIVE— GO!

690. FINALLY, I GET HIM IN THE CAR

691. AND WE HAUL ASS OUT OF THERE AND

692. AT FIRST WE'RE WICKED PISSED,

693. BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN COMPLETELY

694. STRIPPED OF ALL OUR PRIDE...

695. SHOULD WE GO BACK AND RUN HER

696. OVER WITH THE CAR,

697. I DON'T KNOW?

698. WE COULD HIT HER IN THE HEAD

699. WITH A TIRE JACK...

700. FINALLY WE CUT OUR LOSSES

701. AND WE DROVE HOME AND IT WAS

702. PROBABLY THE MOST SILENT

703. DRIVE HOME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

704. WE GET ABOUT A MILE FROM

705. THE HOUSE AND FINALLY,

706. MATT LOOKS OVER AT ME AND GOES,

707. "AH-HA!

708. YOU GOT YOUR SUCKED

709. BY A GUY-EYE!"

710. I WENT, SCREW YOU, MAN!

711. SCREW YOU!

712. YOU WAITED IN LINE TO GET

713. A HUMMER FROM A GUY—

714. HOW 'BOUT THAT?

715. AND WHERE'S MY 7.50?

716. GOOD NIGHT!

717. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

718. COMEDY CENTRAL.

719. CAPTIONED BY

720. REALTIME CAPTIONING

721. VAN NUYS, CALIFORNIA.