Comedy Central Presents 5x12

Directed by

Zach Galifianakis dances and sings his way through this Comedy Central Presents stand-up special.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

2. ANNOUNCER>> FROM NEW YORK CITY,

3. ZACH GALIFIANAKAS.

4. ZACH>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

5. GIVE IT UP FOR CLAPPING.

6. SERIOUSLY— CLAPPING— WOW.

7. I WENT TO MY STYLIST TODAY

8. BEFORE THE SHOW AND, UM, SHE WAS

9. LIKE, ZACH— WHAT KIND OF LOOK

10. ARE YOU GOING FOR?

11. I SAID, "JUST GIVE ME

12. THE "'HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA COACH'".

13. OH, YOU'RE OUT OF THAT ONE?

14. JUST GIVE ME "THE RAPIST."

15. OH, YOU'RE OUT OF THAT ONE?

16. JUST GIVE ME THE "OLD SEA

17. CAPTAIN."

18. OH, YOU'RE OUT OF THAT ONE?

19. JUST GIVE ME A "YOUNG SANTA

20. CLAUS."

21. YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO WHEN

22. I'M AT A VIDEO STORE?

23. YOU KNOW, THE QUICK DROP THEY

24. HAVE THERE?

25. I LIKE TO STICK MY PENIS IN

26. THERE.

27. AND THEN LOOK AT THE HELP

28. AND GO— HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

29. IS THIS ANY GOOD?

30. OH, IT'S DUE BACK TUESDAY?

31. WHEN I GO TO EVENTS AND CONCERTS

32. AND STUFF, I THINK THAT A LOT OF

33. PEOPLE THAT YELL OUT "WHOO" OR

34. "YEAH" WHEN THEY LIKE SOMETHING,

35. I LIKE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC WHEN

36. I YELL THINGS OUT.

37. WHEN I'M AT A CONCERT, I LIKE TO

38. YELL OUT THINGS LIKE... THE WAY

39. YOU PLAY YOUR MUSIC IT MAKES ME

40. FEEL GOOD INSIDE!

41. OR INSTEAD OF YELLING THINGS

42. LIKE "ENCORE!", YELL THINGS LIKE

43. "COME BACK AND PLAY SOME SONGS

44. YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED YET!"

45. PLEASE!

46. DON'T BOO, PEOPLE— DON'T BOO.

47. BE MORE SPECIFIC.

48. WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

49. I HATE THAT!

50. I HATE IT!

51. REALITY SHOWS ARE BIG NOW—

52. SURVIVOR, TEMPTATION IS-LAND,

53. THE MOLE.

54. I WANT TO DO A REALITY SHOW,

55. WHERE IT'S 3 RACIST WHITE PEOPLE

56. THAT LIVE IN THE SOUTH BRONX.

57. AND IT'S CALLED "CRACKER HUNT".

58. AND THERE'D BE SCENES WITH THE

59. WHITE GUYS GOING— I DIDN'T CALL

60. YOU "BOY".

61. I WANT TO DO ANOTHER REALITY

62. SHOW, BASED ON THE MOLE,

63. BUT IT'S REALLY ABOUT STD'S,

64. SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES.

65. AND IT'S CALLED "GOD, I HOPE

66. THAT'S A MOLE."

67. NOW I'D LIKE TO DO A FEW

68. CHARACTERS, IF I CAN.

69. THIS FIRST CHARACTER I'VE BEEN

70. WORKING ON IS CALLED THE TIMID

71. PIMP.

72. AND HE'S ON THE PHONE WITH ONE

73. OF HIS HOOKERS, HERE YOU GO—

74. THE TIMID PIMP...

75. "UM, HI, AMBER?

76. HI, HI, IT'S MARCUS.

77. YEAH, I CAN HOLD."

78. ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT

79. CHARACTER...

80. OKAY.

81. THIS—

82. THIS NEXT CHARACTER

83. I'M WORKING ON IS CALLED

84. THE APATHETIC REDNECK AND HE'S

85. ON THE PHONE WITH HIS BROTHER

86. WHO'S GETTING READY TO GET

87. THE DEATH PENALTY...

88. "YEAH, MAN, THAT SUCKS ABOUT

89. THE DEATH PENALTY.

90. YEAH, MOMMA TOLD ME."

91. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH

92. YOUR CAMARO?"

93. I JUST REALIZED HOW STUPID ALL

94. THESE ARE.

95. OKAY, THIS NEXT CHARACTER

96. I'VE BEEN WORKING ON FOR A WHILE

97. IS CALLED THE GAY SNAKE...

98. I REALLY WANT TO LEAVE NEW YORK

99. CITY VERY BADLY, BUT I JUST PUT

100. $6,000 ON MY METRO CARD.

101. GROWING UP, MY DAD WAS LIKE,

102. "ZACH, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY,

103. IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT."

104. AND HE'S SO RIGHT.

105. TAKE THIS SENTENCE FOR

106. INSTANCE...

107. SHE HAD A CRACK BABY.

108. VERSUS... SHE HAD A CRACK, BABY!

109. ZACH>> TODAY I WAS IN MY HOTEL

110. AND I WAS WEARING MY "GIRLS KICK

111. ASS" T-SHIRT, AND WEARING MY

112. ANKLE WEIGHTS.

113. IT WAS LIKE, WHAT AM I GOING

114. TO TALK ABOUT?

115. TALK ABOUT LIFE, ZACH.

116. TALK ABOUT LIFE, THAT'S WHAT

117. PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR.

118. SO HERE GOES...

119. MY ROOMMATE IS ASIAN AND I PLAY

120. THE PIANO A LOT IN THE HOUSE,

121. AND EVERY TIME SHE COMES THROUGH

122. THE DOOR I GO LIKE THIS...

123. (PLAYS A CLICHE

124. "ASIAN" PIANO LINE)

125. SHE'S LIKE, "ZACH, WHY DO YOU DO

126. THAT EACH TIME I COME THROUGH

127. THE DOOR?"

128. AND I'M LIKE, "BECAUSE I DON'T

129. HAVE A GONG."

130. GUYS, HAVE YOU EVER WOKEN UP

131. WITH AN ERECTION AND THEN YOU

132. REALIZE THAT YOU'RE JUST IN A

133. MASSAGE CHAIR AT BROOKSTONE?

134. AND THEN YOU YELL OUT—

135. I'LL TAKE IT!

136. I'VE SINUS PROBLEMS AND IT'S—

137. I'M GREEK AND I HAVE SINUS

138. PROBLEMS AND I KNOW WHY.

139. MY BODY PRODUCES FETA CHEESE.

140. IT'S NOT REALLY A JOKE,

141. IT'S A FACT.

142. ALLOW ME TO OPEN UP.

143. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DRUNK THAT

144. YOU WET THE BED?

145. I DON'T MEAN YOU'RE SLEEPING

146. IN IT, YOU'RE JUST STANDING OVER

147. PISSING ON IT?

148. I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, AND I WAS

149. ON THE WALK OF FAME AND I HAD

150. BEEN DRINKING THAT NIGHT.

151. AND I JUST GOT A HENNA TATTOO

152. THAT SAID "FOREVER".

153. AND I WAS MAKING OUT WITH A

154. SQUATTER IN FRONT OF "RIPLEY'S

155. BELIEVE IT OR NOT".

156. LIKE I SAID, I WAS DRINKING.

157. BY THE WAY, YOU KNOW YOU HAVE

158. A DRINKING PROBLEM WHEN THE

159. BARTENDER KNOWS YOUR NAME AND

160. YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO THAT BAR

161. BEFORE.

162. SO, I'M THERE ON THE WALK OF

163. FAME AND I STUMBLE ACROSS

164. TONY DANZA'S STAR,

165. AND I URINATED ON IT.

166. JUST YELLING OUT— WHO'S THE

167. BOSS, NOW?

168. WOMAN!

169. JESUS CHRIST!

170. I MEAN, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO

171. COMMENT ABOUT THE AUDIENCE,

172. BUT THERE'S A HYENA

173. IN THE...

174. THANK— THANK YOU, THOUGH,

175. THANK YOU.

176. CAN YOU LEAVE?

177. WHY IS IT THAT WOMEN CAN SAY

178. THINGS LIKE, "MY GIRLFRIEND AND

179. I ARE GOING TO BRUNCH"

180. AND NO ONE ASSUMES ANYTHING,

181. BUT AS SOON AS I SAY,

182. "MY BOYFRIEND AND I ARE GOING

183. TO GO SHOP FOR FANNY PACKS",

184. EVERYONE THINKS I'M A GAY.

185. THAT'S RIGHT— A GAY.

186. THREE YEARS AGO MY SISTER

187. WAS DIAGNOSED WITH MULTIPLE

188. PERSONALITIES.

189. AND THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT

190. THAT.

191. BUT SHE PHONED ME THE OTHER DAY,

192. AND MY CALLER ID EXPLODED.

193. I LIKE TO GO TO REALLY BAD

194. MOVIES THAT ARE LIKE IN THEIR

195. 6th WEEK AND THERE'S ONLY

196. ONE OTHER PERSON IN THE THEATER.

197. AND I LIKE TO SIT RIGHT NEXT

198. TO THEM.

199. AND THEY'RE LIKE— EXCUSE ME,

200. AND I'M LIKE— SHHH.

201. I CAN'T HEAR KEANU.

202. I USED TO TEMP HERE IN NEW YORK.

203. I'LL NEVER FORGET, I CALLED A

204. TEMP AGENCY ONCE AND THEY WERE

205. LIKE— "WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANY

206. PHONE SKILLS?"

207. I WAS LIKE— "I CALLED YOU,

208. DIDN'T I?"

209. YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO WHEN

210. I'M MAKING OUT WITH A WOMAN?

211. I LIKE TO WHISPER IN HER EAR—

212. "WILL YOU TOUCH MY VAGINA?"

213. AND SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT?"

214. AND I'M LIKE "THAT'S

215. WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY."

216. ZACH>> I NEED TO CHANGE MY LIFE,

217. I NEED TO CHANGE MY WAYS...

218. I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

219. LAST YEAR MY NEW YEAR'S

220. RESOLUTION WAS TO STOP SAYING,

221. "YOU GO GIRL" TO MYSELF.

222. BUT, I HAVE DREAMS, LADIES

223. AND GENTLEMEN, JUST LIKE

224. EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM...

225. HOPES, ANTICIPATIONS FOR THE WAY

226. I WANT MY LIFE...

227. LET ME SHARE THEM WITH YOU...

228. MY DREAM OF OWNING OR HAVING A

229. 3-BOY COUNTRY TRIO CALLED THE

230. "CHIXIE DICKS".

231. I ALSO DREAM THAT THE SPANISH

232. CHANNEL WILL HAVE ENGLISH

233. SUBTITLES.

234. SO I CAN FINALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT

235. I'VE BEEN LAUGHING AT THIS WHOLE

236. TIME.

237. I ALSO WISH TO MOVE FAR,

238. FAR AWAY.

239. SOMEWHERE IN...

240. MONTANA.

241. AND OPEN A GIANT, ETHNIC

242. HAIR-CARE SUPERSTORE.

243. AND LASTLY, ANOTHER DREAM OF

244. MINE IS TO MOVE TO PAKISTAN

245. OR INDIA...

246. AND BECOME A CAB DRIVER.

247. ZACH>> UM, I UH, I UH, I UH,

248. HAVE A LOT OF, UM...

249. OH, LADY PROBLEMS.

250. AND, UM, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND

251. WEIRD, BUT ALL OF MY

252. EX-GIRLFRIENDS HAVE FORMED A

253. 12-PIECE ACCAPELLA GROUP.

254. AND UH—

255. AND, UH, THIS IS A LITTLE NUMBER

256. ABOUT MY TROUBLE WITH WOMEN...

257. ZACH>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH—

258. THE NIGHT OWLS, EVERYBODY!

259. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

260. COMEDY CENTRAL.

261. CAPTIONED BY

262. REALTIME CAPTIONING

263. VAN NUYS, CALIFORNIA.